Wealthy Woman Discovers That Even Money Cannot Buy Sons' Attention

Dear Tazi:

I have two ingrates for children!  I did not raise them this way, but they are just like their father.  They put work before everything and everyone else.  Is it any wonder that they are both married to a couple of golddiggers who only want them for their earning potential?   

I am in my early 60’s and widowed; my workaholic husband died far too young of a stress induced heart attack, leaving me wealthy but lonely.  We lived far from family and his work schedule never allowed for socializing with friends.  I have kept busy since his passing, but am essentially on my own.  Our two sons are always too busy too visit with me, even on the holidays.

Quite recently, I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer that will most likely take my life within the next few months.  Although the news was grave, I am accepting of it.  I have felt fatigued for some time now, and thought it was just stress.  My illness is too far along for treatment to make much of a difference, so I have refused it in order to spend my remaining days peacefully enjoying what time I have left.

When I informed my sons of my decision not to seek treatment for my cancer, they were very upset and encouraged me to try, even going so far as to say that their father would be disappointed in my decision.  When I explained to them that treatment would leave me debilitated and in need of around-the-clock care they offered to hire a private nurse to take care of me.  When I explained to my boys that I would prefer not to receive such intimate care from strangers uneasy looks came over their faces.  The slightest hint that I would like them to step-up and assist me with my end-of-life care was enough to make them change the subject!  They told me that the decision to refuse treatment was my choice and that they would respect it, in spite of their disappointment! 

Tazi, I am still going to need some sort of assistance as my time grows near, and have decided that since I cannot depend upon my sons I will be leaving them nothing to depend upon in my will.  My attorney cannot believe that I would write my sons out of my will, but he is willing to go along with my wishes and is making my will so airtight a [gaseous emission] couldn't squeak out of it!

My question is, Tazi, do you think I am being unreasonable and petty?  Do you think my late husband will be upset with me when I see him again in Heaven?

Signed,

At Peace…Almost

Dear At Peace…Almost:

Do I think you are being unreasonable and petty?  No.  I think you are responding from a place of anger.  Are you certain that this is how you wish to be remembered?  Do I think your late husband will be upset with you over disowning your sons?  That is a question only you can answer.

You have my deepest sympathies for your troubles.  You say that you are accepting of your illness, but it sounds to me that there are still some issues that you need to address – the estrangement of your sons being the biggest issue.  Although their reaction to the possibility of assisting you with your care is reprehensible, it is not uncommon for children to react this way when put on the spot.  Your sons are still trying to process the idea of losing their mother only a few years after their father’s sudden passing; the thought of having a front-row seat to their mother’s suffering was probably more than they could take at that very moment.

Rather than write your sons out of your will, I suggest that you talk to them first.  Explain to them how hurt you are that they cannot make the time to assist you as needed in order to make your passing a peaceful one.  It is possible that your sons fear they are not up to the challenge of caring for you, and fear failing you during this crucial time.  A combination of at-home nursing assistance for intimate care (bathing, medications) and family-care for more standard assistance (a ride to doctor’s appointments, meal preparation) could work well for all involved as well as give your sons and daughters-in-law the opportunity to be close to you during your final months.  I think this will also allow you to get past your anger and sadness and find the peace you have almost found.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  If you have no one else to leave a bequest, I gladly accept donations!  Mommie's student loan payments are cutting into my snack budget!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

For Some, Everything Is A Competition - Even Illness

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law "Betsy" has me wanting to scream! With her, everything is a competition. Back when she and my brother were dating Betsy saw me as a threat because he and I were so close, so she felt the need to one-up me every chance she got. If I won an award, Betsy would talk about how many more awards she had won; if I bought a new dress, Betsy would run out and buy and entire new wardrobe; when I took up photography as a hobby, Betsy invested in a professional digital camera. She even delayed her wedding to my brother because she wanted a nicer venue than the one my husband and I had! You get the picture. The worst part is, Betsy and my brother do not have the money to be making all of these expensive purchases! Because my brother is head over heels for Betsy, he lets her charge whatever she wants tot heir credit cards, with the idea that they will get paid off "eventually". Her attitude upsets not just me, but the rest of my family as well.

I am generally not petty, and have learned to ignore Betsy's insecure behaviors, but she recently went beyond the pale and I am not sure I can hold it together around her much longer. What started out as a recent, routine doctor's appointment turned into a living nightmare when a lump was discovered in my breast. The doctor did not want to worry me, but was concerned enough to order a biopsy, the results of which would take a couple of weeks.

I did not want to call a false alarm and worry my family; but I did not want them to wonder why I was suddenly so moody and short-tempered while waiting on the test results, so I told my husband and immediate family - our children, my parents, and my brother. Since I really did not need Betsy's one-upmanship during this time, I did not tell her about my biopsy, but she found out anyway from my brother, who mentioned it in conversation with her.

Thankfully, the biopsy came back normal and I do not have cancer. For this, I am grateful. However, I now have to deal with Betsy carrying on about how I "always have to be the center of attention" and "worried the family half out of mind over nothing" and, worst of all, her own tales of "the many times" she thought she might have cancer but was "strong enough" to keep it to herself. At first, I was concerned that Betsy had gone through cancer scares alone in an attempt to appear brave, but after my mother pressed her she elaborated - her "cancer scares" were no more than WebMD symptom searches, where anything can be cancer if you look hard enough.

Tazi, I want to take the high road, and I have tried to put this past me, but Betsy just announced (over Sunday dinner, no less) that she has a doctor's appointment because she's been having headaches and "might have a brain tumor" and wants to have her symptoms evaluated "like 'Jennifer' did at her last doctor's appointment". Thankfully, I had a mouthful of food and started choking, allowing me to excuse myself before taking Betsy to task. How should I handle things, when this issue arises again?

Sign Me,
"Jennifer"

Dear "Jennifer":

First, let me offer you my congratulations that you are cancer free - such a health scare is like no other, so I can completely understand why you are offended by your sister-in-law's self-diagnosis, and her comparison of her special doctor's appointment with your routine one.

One detail you left our was your family's reaction to Betsy's news. Were they honestly concerned or was there a lot of eye-rolling in her direction? I ask because both extremes will feed Betsy's need for attention - the former a reward for her pleas, the latter a challenge to try harder. Betsy's reaction to your health scare - and her constant need to be the best - stem from a very fragile ego. Whether Betsy suffers from low self-esteem or an inflated sense of self-worth, it is obvious that she sees you as a threat to the love that her husband (your brother) feels for her.

I would advise you to sit down with Betsy and be straight with her. Explain to her - nicely - that you are concerned that she seems to constantly need to compete with you for attention, and that this competition is one-sided; that she is family, and that you wish to have the close relationship that sisters-in-law should have. Tell her that the comments she made about your needlessly worrying the family hurt you and that you did not share your medical news to draw attention to yourself, but rather to explain a sudden change in personality.

I cannot promise that, as a result of this conversation and line of reasoning, Betsy will change her behavior, but she will at least be aware of how you and the rest of the family view it. I would like to recommend counseling for Betsy, but for you to suggest it to her would most likely end badly. I just hope that she is reading this column, and sees herself in your letter.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Depression Has Many Symptoms, Is A Treatable Illness

Dear Tazi:

My life has not been all that great in this busted economy, so I have taken to imagining that my life is ten times better than it ever was. In the evening, when I return home from a job I hate to a small apartment I despise to microwave a frozen dinner (the only kind I can afford) I imagine that I am wealthy, without a care in the world. Since all of my problems could be solved if only I had more money, these fantasies take me away from the cares of my real life. I love my fantasy life, and up until now it has kept me going in my real life.

A few months ago, my boss told me that she would be transferring to a different office and that I would have a new supervisor come summer. I like my old boss, and would have followed her to the out of state office where she transferred, except that there were no openings that covered relocation and I do not have the money to relocate. Do you see what I mean when I say that all of my trouble could be solved if I had more money?

My new boss is awful. I can’t stand working for her. She has no respect for anyone but herself. She came into the office and tried to change how everything is done; the first thing she did was fire all of the non-union employees so she could bring in her own people. My office is now filled with new people who are not nearly as pleasant as my old co-workers. On top of it all, my new boss came to work when she was sick and I caught her cold. This is where my problems get worse.

Since I was too sick to go to work, my doctor gave me a note to stay home. It was so nice not to have to go to work, and since I get paid sick time it did not impact me financially. When I got over my cold, I didn’t want to go back to work, so I lied and told the doctor I was still feeling fatigued and he wrote me out of work for another week. When that week was up, I still did not want to go back to the office so I told the doctor I was still not feeling well enough to return to work. I have [private disability insurance] so I still have money coming in to pay my bills even though I am not working.

My doctor has run all sorts of tests for various illnesses, from chronic fatigue syndrome to mono and all have come back negative. I don’t know how much longer I can stay out of work on medical leave, but the thought of going back leaves me feeling very depressed, especially since I have crawled further and further into my fantasy world since being home all this time. I have started to look for a better job, like I had before the economy went sour, but I am not having much luck. Can you think of any illnesses that I might ask my doctor to test me for, to keep me out of work just a little bit longer? Maybe until I can find a better job?

Signed,

Paradise Lost

Dear Paradise Lost:

I think you might be suffering from a very real illness called clinical depression; if your doctor has not had you screened for it yet I suggest you come clean to him and ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

While having a fantasy life is not uncommon and is actually a healthy way to deal with life’s everyday stresses, regressing into that fantasy life at the cost of living your own reality is not healthy. Your life does not sound very enviable, but pretending to be sick in order to remain out of work on leave is not going to improve your prospects at all. What is worse, and extended illness could actually hurt your chances of finding a new job, should your current employer report on you when called for an employee reference.

If you are suffering from depression there are medicines and counselors who can help you to overcome the symptoms and help you to function outside of your fantasy world. By following a prescribed medical plan, you will be able to work towards making your fantasies a reality – but you have to take the first step and get tested! Depression is a treatable illness. You will not be sent back to work right away, and your bills will be covered by your medical insurance. Since depression is a documented disability, your private disability insurance should cover you while you work towards recovery. I know it is hard, but once you find the courage to do the right thing things will get easier. Please write back in six months or so to let me and my readers know how you are doing!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Germaphobe Crosses The Line Of Common Sense

Dear Tazi:

Cold and flu season is approaching, and I would like to keep my family healthy. We are taking daily doses of Vitamin C with rose hips, a multivitamin with zinc, upping our intake of foods rich in antioxidants, seasoning everything with fresh garlic, and using hand-sanitizer after washing our hands with soap and warm water.

I would like to refrain from shaking hands and hugging people during this time, but my husband says I am being ridiculous and he is not going to risk offending people – especially business contacts – by refusing to greet them in a customary manner. I have told him that if he refuses to follow this simple request that we will not be having intimate relations until the spring and that I will be sleeping in the guest room to ensure a minimal exposure to these seasonal germs. I do not want to alienate my husband, Tazi; in fact, the reason I am going so far to protect my health is that I would like to have another child and do not want to risk miscarriage due to illness. Can you think of a way to get my husband on board with things?

Signed,

Temporarily Germaphobic

Dear Temporarily Germaphobic:

Can you see the major flaw in your plan? You do realize that suspending marital relations with your husband is a sure-fire way to guarantee that you will not get pregnant, right? While I can appreciate your desire to stay healthy, the steps you are taking to boost your immune system should be enough to stay healthy during cold and flu season; there is no reason to avoid physical contact with people who are quite possibly taking similar precautions against illness.

Is there a deeper reason for your fear of germs? Is there something you are not telling me? Have you or someone you know miscarried in the past due to illness? A few sessions with a counselor or a frank discussion with your gynecologist may help to alleviate your fears and put you on the right track to getting pregnant and experiencing a healthy pregnancy. While no pregnancy is guaranteed, proper medical care; a lack of stress; and healthy habits can reduce the risks of miscarriage. Good luck!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Brother-In-Law Is A Hard Pill To Swallow

Dear Tazi:

My brother-in-law is one of those people who thinks they know everything and has no qualms about expressing their opinion whenever they feel like it. There is no such thing as a private conversation when you are around "Bill" because he butts into every conversation he happens to overhear, and excuses his behavior by suggesting that those who want privacy discuss matters elsewhere. Tazi, I am not talking about coffee-shop conversations (although he buts in plenty there, too, and always with his uneducated opinions); I am talking about private conversations taking place away from others.

My wife "Ellie" - who is technically of no relation to Bill (Bill is my sister's husband) - was recently diagnosed with cancer. She is handling the diagnosis quite well, all things considered, and was discussing her prognosis (which is very good) with my mother after Easter dinner, while the two of them were in the kitchen doing the dishes. Bill happened to be passing by on his way to the bathroom when he overheard the conversation, and felt the need to share his "uneducated medical opinion"; which included telling my wife that chemotherapy is a waste of time, that it only makes you sicker, and is a scam doctors pull to keep you coming back for treatment. He then went into a long spiel about how a special diet high in antioxidants could cure her cancer "the natural way, the way God intended". Things went downhill from there, with Bill cornering Ellie for almost half an hour and not allowing her to get a word in, edgewise. My mother has always been on the meek side, so she had no idea how to tell Bill to stop. I had been outside with the children during this time, preparing for our annual egg hunt; otherwise, I would have come to my wife's side.

Ellie was very upset by Bill's verbal attack, but managed to pull herself together for the remainder of the day; I, on the other hand, was livid and would have told Bill off if it were not such a special day for my family. This is not the first time Bill has pulled such inappropriate behavior, but I would like it to be the last. I am considering writing a letter to Bill and my sister to let them know how angry I am over his treatment of my wife; but Ellie says to just let it go - that Bill is never going to change and to rock the boat would only damage family relations. I wish I could be so forgiving, Tazi, but someone has to stand up to Bill and I would like the satisfaction of being the one to put this guy in his place.

Ellie and I have agreed to abide by your opinion, Tazi. Do you think I should write that letter to Bill?

Signed,
Itchy Trigger Finger

Dear Itchy Trigger Finger:

Your brother-in-law sounds like a real jerk. The sad part is, he probably thinks he is a likable guy and is doing people a favor by sharing his opinions and "uneducated medical" advice with them. Because of this, any attempt to correct him will fail miserably and, as your wife said, damage family relations. I am going to suggest you write that letter to Bill anyway. Just don't send it.

When we take the time to vent our feelings in a letter, we also pour out the negative emotions that are pent up inside of us. Just the act of writing a letter to Bill, telling him off in ways you have so far only dreamed of, will lift the burden of anger that is weighing on you. I fully understand your desire to tell Bill where to go, and I believe this desire sprouts from the instinct you feel to protect your wife, especially now that she is ill. I suggest you indulge that desire by protecting her in ways that she actually needs protecting, like being there for her emotionally and allowing her to break down when she needs to let go; and making yourself available to her when she needs assistance around the house. The purpose of this is several-fold: not only will you be "protecting" your wife and fulfilling your role as a supportive spouse, but you will be quietly showing Bill (and others who may be watching) the correct way to be helpful when someone is going through illness.

In time, your wife will recover - in spite of Bill's dire (but uneducated) prognosis, and he will be the one with egg on his face, instead of in his Easter basket. As much as I feel for you and your wife, the person I feel for the most is your sister - after all, she is the one stuck living with Bill.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.