Gardener Needs To Grow A Heart Full Of Caring

Dear Tazi:

I am an avid gardener who grows everything from seeds. I live in an apartment, and every spring I plant my vegetables and herbs in pots on my large balcony. Since I have limited space, I only plant a few of each crop - tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, eggplant, peppers, lettuce, etc. as well as various herbs for cooking. My vine vegetables hang down off of the balcony, but I keep them trimmed so they are not encroaching on my downstairs neighbors' space.

Every year, my neighbors admire my garden and tell my how lovely it looks. I always offer to show them how to plant and tend to their own gardens, and a few have even taken me up on the offer! Invariably, some people will always ask me to "share" any extra vegetables, but I tell them that I really don't have any extra - my husband and children love fresh veggies and eat them as soon as they are picked!

I have one neighbor who just does not get the message that my vegetables are for my family, not the neighbors. She will admire my garden, comment on how much money I must save growing my own veggies, talk about the high cost of food nowadays, and always ask for some of what I have grown. I politely refuse her and offer to show her how to grow her own garden, but she argues that she does not have the time to tend a garden, and that she does not have a "green thumb".

The growing season has begun again, and I am once again expecting my neighbor to not-so-subtly hint that she would like a portion of my garden's bounty. Short of telling her off, how can I get it through her head that my vegetables are not up for grabs?

Signed,
Urban Gardener

Dear Urban Gardener:

Your family must eat a lot of vegetables in order to go through the bounty of a few of each plant! My Mommie keeps a vegetable garden, so I know that a single tomato plant can result in over 30 tomatoes a month! Her cucumber plants result in even more, and her summer squash plants, while not so bountiful, do grow large fruits. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, though, and assume that you and your family do, indeed, devour all of these veggies.

It sounds to me that your neighbor is having difficulty keeping up with her food bills, and is hoping that you might share what appears to be excess. Fresh vegetables are expensive, and herbs even more so. Rather than shoot down your neighbor, might you plant an extra seed or two and present your neighbor with some seedlings and watering instructions? Tomatoes and cucumbers are hearty plants that do not require a whole lot of attention, just daily watering and plenty of sun. Once she realizes that she can successfully grow her own she will be more inclined to try, and thus less inclined to constantly ask you for your veggies. The extra effort put forth on your part will result in a harvest of good-will among your neighbors, and a good feeling in your heart knowing that you have helped someone in need. Consider the favors others have granted you in your life, and consider this a way of paying it forward.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Assumes Too Much, Sets Off Embarrassing Chain Of Events

Dear Tazi:

I have made a hugely embarrassing mistake, and I have no idea how to make up for it. My husband is a local police officer; he works in the Special Victims' unit, dealing with sexual offenders and other odious crimes. Since we have two small children, I am ever vigilant to keep their Daddy's work at work (he does not discuss his work at home) and keep a regular eye on the sexual offenders' registry, which shows pictures of the registered offenders as well as their addresses.

A few months ago, a single man moved into the house down the street from us. He generally keeps to himself and rarely comes outside. The leader of our Neighborhood Watch told me that he refused her invitation to join; he has also ignored invitations from others who have asked him over for coffee and other "get to know you" get-togethers.

I was curious as to why he was so standoffish, but thought I had figured out why when I decided to run an online background check on him through the sexual offenders registry - I believe that you can never be too careful, especially when you have children! All I had was his last name (it's on his mailbox) and our city/state information, but I was shocked to see his picture come up when I did a search! I immediately reported him to my husband, and asked him to pay a visit to the man.

To my absolute shame, my neighbor is not the sexual offender I accused him of being. He has an identical twin brother who has served time for having relations with a thirteen year old girl and is now registered as a sexual offender. My neighbor is now convinced that the members of the Neighborhood Watch were the accusers, and refuses to have anything to do with anyone associated with the program.

Tazi, I would like to make a public apology to my neighbor and to the Neighborhood Watch, who he has credited with my improper assumption. I am not sure how I should go about doing this, though. I was considering something along the lines of a Christmas newsletter, only it would be a letter of apology sent to all. My husband says to let sleeping dogs lie, but I just can't...

Signed,
Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed:

Where do I begin? I could address your original behavior (an online background check with nothing more than a last name? Really?) but you seem contrite, and you had the best interests of your children at heart, so I will let you slide without a Paw Slap of Disgust this time; you seem to have learned your lesson.

If you have such a burning desire to apologize to your neighbor, why not do just that? There is no need to make a huge production out of it; in fact, I think sending out a public apology will only serve to further embarrass your neighbor, who has already suffered enough humiliation and invasion into his private life. I suggest that you send a handwritten not to your neighbor (you obviously have his address) apologizing for your behavior and taking the full and proper blame for this unfortunate accusation. If from there he chooses to apologize to the members of the Neighborhood Watch for his accusations against them then that is his business and his alone. It is not your place to apologize to the Neighborhood Watch for additional false accusations.

Let this situation be a lesson learned. From now on, please leave the detective work to your husband and remember not to assume anything!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Homeowner Seeks To Curb Inappropriate Nighttime Behaviors

Dear Tazi:

I have an awkward problem that presents no obvious solution. I own my own home, towards the end of a dead end street, and next door to my house is an undersized lot not suitable for building. The owner lost an appeal for a change of zoning to allow him to build and since then has left the land to go fallow. Because of this the already wooded lot has become quite overgrown and unsightly but providing the seclusion the local teens like, if you catch my meaning.

The lot next door has become something of a local "make out" spot as well as a place for other teenage activities. Every Saturday, Sunday, and (sometimes) Monday morning I have to clean up after the visitors from the night before. If I am lucky, it is just empty beer cans and liquor bottles; if I am not lucky, it is used condoms and vomit.

I remember what it was like to be young and looking for a good time, so I am hesitant to call the police to report these activities. On the other hand, I really do not want these activities taking place directly across from my house. I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought of approaching the offenders, but can think of no other way to get them to respect the fact that my neighborhood is a respectful, residential place. Do you have any ideas I can try, Tazi? I am open to all suggestions.

Signed,
Not In My Backyard

Dear Not In My backyard:

This situation is one type of NIMBYism I am comfortable promoting. The fact that these young - and quite possibly not so young - people are leaving copious evidence of their activities is rude, disrespectful, and downright unacceptable. You say that you are uncomfortable with reporting these night-time activities to the police; would you be comfortable reporting them to the land owner? He may be in a tiff because his land is not suitable for building, but he is still responsible for what occurs on his property and if someone is injured while partying on it he may be legally liable.

If reporting the activities taking place on his property does not phase the land owner enough to bring about action on his part, you may want to consider installing motion-detection floodlights on the edge of your property. If you put them facing outward they will turn on when someone trespasses on the property next door, exposing that which prefers the privacy that the dark offers. Once the word gets out that light is being shone on the matter the problem should solve itself.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Neighbor Gets Snubbed For Being Single

Dear Tazi:

I am 40 years old and have finally accomplished my dream of owning my own home! I have saved and invested since I was 18, and when the right house in the right neighborhood went up for sale I was able to purchase it with only a small mortgage. I have never married and have no children, which made it a little easier to save, but now I am questioning if I did the right thing (buying in this neighborhood, not avoiding marriage and motherhood).

The neighborhood I live in is a pleasant mix of old and young. I spent my first few months settling in and organizing, and only had the opportunity to meet my next door neighbors on either side of me – both older, retired couples whose children have moved out of state. This week, while weeding the front yard garden, I saw a woman about my age walking by with three children. I said hello and this is how the remainder of the conversation went:

Woman: Do I know you?

Me: No, I just moved into the neighborhood a few months ago. I’m “Cassie”

Woman: Oh. I didn't think I recognized you from the playground.

Me: Playground?

Woman: Yes, that’s where all of the Moms take their kids to go play.

Me: Well, that explains why you have not seen me there! I don’t have any children; but if that is where all the women of the neighborhood gather I will have to come down and say hello!

Woman: That’s probably not a good idea. You don’t seem to have anything in common with us.

Me: Really? Why do you say that? I am sure we all have lots in common!

Woman: Yes, but you don’t have children.

Me: Is that a problem?

Woman (looking at me like I am stupid): You wouldn't understand; you aren't a Mom. You probably work during the day, too, right?

Me: Yes, how else would I support myself?

Woman: You have no husband, either?

Me: No, I am single and a home-owner. Is that so unusual?

Woman (eyeing me suspiciously): Yes. I have to go now.

She then hurried off, corralling her children (who were playing tag) and yanking them down the street muttering to them.

I didn't know what else to say, so I finished gardening and asked one of my next door neighbors if everyone was so unfriendly. They told me they did not know; that they did not really associate with the younger people on our street. They then invited me to join them for their card night, a sweet offer but I would really like to make friends with people my own age!

I am considering putting together a nice goodie basket – fresh fruit, chocolates, muffins, bottled water, etc. – and taking a walk down to the playground to see for myself if the rest of the younger neighbors are just as stand-offish and unwelcoming as this other woman was. Do you think this is a good idea? Should I have a house party instead? I just want to feel at home in my new neighborhood!

Signed,

“Cassie”

Dear “Cassie”:

A house party would require parents of young children to hire a babysitter, so this idea – while well intended – may further alienate you from your younger neighbors. I do, however, love your idea of a playground goodie basket! You could announce yourself with a friendly wave and a jovial “Hello! I’m Cassie! I’m new to the neighborhood, and I hear this is where all the young, hip people hang out!”

Speaking of young and hip, I am a young and hip cat! Can I come with you? Who can resist a sweet little kitty in a goodie basket?

No autographs, please...well, okay; maybe just a few...

The woman you met may be the possessive, insecure type who is afraid that her friends will all want to play with the new girl and not her. I know this sounds like fourth-grade playground antics, but some people never grow up. While she may have a point (or two, which I will get to in a moment) her delivery of them was poor. There was no excuse for her absolute rudeness. A Paw Slap to her!

And a mean paw slap at that!

Before you go to the playground with your cornucopia of yum-yums, try to remember that among married women, an unmarried (or divorced or widowed) woman can sometimes be seen as a threat – especially if she is pretty and the other woman’s marriage is not all that stable. It is stupid and petty, I know, but humans can be territorial, just like any other animal. You may discover that these Moms are rather cliquish and do not have room in their circle for someone who does not have children. If they are Overachieving Moms who like to brag they may not have time for a woman who does not have children. After all, how can they boost their egos by tearing down yours when they can’t guilt you about how you don’t spend enough time making precious memories with your kids when you don’t have any? [Ed. Note: Not all OA Moms are like this…].

There may also be some pretty cool Moms there who would LOVE to have a normal, adult-centered conversation; one that does not revolve around toilet training, the latest cold making the rounds, and the best way to get Play-Doh out of a shag carpet. One thing is for certain, you will not find out anything for sure until you make the effort to get to know the people in your neighborhood. Jump in without expectations; this way you can be pleasantly surprised if you discover your neighbors are warm and friendly and avert disappointment if they are not. I wish you luck and much happiness in your new home!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Being Neighborly Is Not Always Easy, But Always Right

Dear Tazi:

I have a horrible new neighbor and I don’t know what to do about her! When she moved in this past spring, I noticed that she was planting a garden. I walked over to introduce myself, and casually mentioned that I, too, fancied gardening. When she asked me what I grew I told her of all the flowers that I plant, and offered to bring her with me the next time I went shopping for plants. She haughtily replied that she is a “real” gardener. “Amelia” told me that she grows a sustenance garden – she plants seeds every spring and grows enough vegetables to support her eating habits, pickling and canning the excess at the end of the season. I was shocked at this woman’s rudeness! Who is she to decide what constitutes a “real” gardener?

I had not spoken to Amelia since, figuring that we were not meant to be friends or even friendly neighbors, when she decided – without consulting me – to cut down a large tree that overhung my yard and provided shade for some of my plants. When I told her how upset I was she told me that it was her tree and her property and that she needed the space to extend her garden, and besides that the tree created too much shade for her tomatoes. Tazi, this woman has no respect for other people’s property!

I realize the tree was on her land, but cutting it down was not very neighborly. I am planning an end-of-summer block party (I hostess one every year) and was originally planning on inviting her as a way of helping her get to know the neighbors, but now I am purposely considering excluding her. My grown children tell me that I am being petty, and that I should treat her as I would like to be treated; that Christ said to love thy neighbor and to turn the other cheek. I am not very religious (their father was, and I suppose that is where they get it from) so their words are falling on deaf ears – or at least they would, if the words were not from my children.

Should I do as my children ask and invite this odious woman? I feel like it is she who owes me an apology and that by inviting her she will think all is okay between us when it is not.

Signed,

A REAL Gardener

Dear A REAL Gardener:

Your new neighbor may suffer from a form of Autism, which makes it difficult for her to empathize with other people, or she could just be a self-centered person. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt? Her comments about what constitutes a “real” gardener were hurtful, but from what I read this is the attitude of a lot of people who have sustenance gardens; I find it to be very uppity and chic (remember when shopping organic was the new “in” thing?); as soon as the next big thing comes along most of these people will abandon their gardens and move on to it. Try not to take Amelia’s words to heart.

Or you could choose to do a little trimming of your own

As for the cutting down of a tree: it was on her property and was her tree to do with as she liked. If the situation were reversed and you did not want the tree you would have been within your rights to trim back the portion that overhung your yard; try to see this from that point of view. Would it be possible to put up an inexpensive awning to shade your low-light loving plants?

I do believe that excluding Amelia from your annual block party will do more harm than good. Not only will it hurt Amelia’s feelings to be snubbed, but it will make you look like a very small person in front of your friends and neighbors. Including Amelia will show that you are above petty arguing and that, in spite of the differences between the two of you, you would like to welcome her to the neighborhood and help her to get to know the people who live there. To say or do otherwise would be cruel; a person does not have to be a Christian or a follower of any religious practice or belief to possess a sense of compassion towards others. You may even surprise yourself by discovering, once you get to know Amelia better, that you have common interests. When the opportunity to make a new friend presents itself, you should go for it!

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Neighbor's Yard Is Not The Place To Drop Your Dog's Droppings!

Dear Tazi:

I have a neighbor who allows his dog to relieve itself on my lawn.  This neighbor is not even courteous enough to pick up his dog’s droppings – he just leaves them there for me.  The worst part?  My neighbor owns a Saint Bernard, so the droppings are enormous. 

I know that you addressed this issue once before – and suggested that the homeowner gather the feces for delivery to the dog owner’s yard – but I get sick to my stomach just approaching the droppings.  The smell and the texture turn my stomach.  I am an elderly woman and do not have the strength to lift a large shovel that would put some distance between me and the offending product, and I do not have the extra money to spend on a Pooper Scooper – besides, it should be the dog owner’s financial responsibility, not mine.  I hate to bother the Sherriff’s office with such a trivial matter, but it is not trivial to me!  My granddaughter told me to ask myself, “What would Tazi do?” which is how I discovered your charming column, so I am asking: What would you do, Tazi?

Signed,

Grandma Minnie

Dear Grandma Minnie:

First, I would jump in your lap for a nice big cuddle!  Grandmas make for the best cuddles! 

Next, I would show you a copy of this blog post by Publicly Painful, so you would know that you are not alone in your problem; then, I would call the Sherriff’s office and file a complaint against the dog owner.  Your problem is not trivial to you, and as a taxpayer you have every right to utilize the services of local law enforcement to protect your property and peace of mind. 

What your neighbor is doing is probably against the law – most municipalities have laws about cleaning up your dog droppings.  These laws exist for several reasons; aside from aesthetics it is important to clean up domestic droppings because it attracts rats.  That’s right!  Rats eat dog poop – as well as other nasty stuff.  Why do you think they live in the sewers?  Your neighbor is leaving a steaming pile of trouble on your front lawn; the Sherriff’s office can see to it that this (comparatively) small problem does not get any bigger.  Have courage and your problem will be taken care of by those with the authority to do it!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  The original letter was about a cat, but thank you for reading it!  Your interest is appreciated! --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.