Gardener Needs To Grow A Heart Full Of Caring

Dear Tazi:

I am an avid gardener who grows everything from seeds. I live in an apartment, and every spring I plant my vegetables and herbs in pots on my large balcony. Since I have limited space, I only plant a few of each crop - tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, eggplant, peppers, lettuce, etc. as well as various herbs for cooking. My vine vegetables hang down off of the balcony, but I keep them trimmed so they are not encroaching on my downstairs neighbors' space.

Every year, my neighbors admire my garden and tell my how lovely it looks. I always offer to show them how to plant and tend to their own gardens, and a few have even taken me up on the offer! Invariably, some people will always ask me to "share" any extra vegetables, but I tell them that I really don't have any extra - my husband and children love fresh veggies and eat them as soon as they are picked!

I have one neighbor who just does not get the message that my vegetables are for my family, not the neighbors. She will admire my garden, comment on how much money I must save growing my own veggies, talk about the high cost of food nowadays, and always ask for some of what I have grown. I politely refuse her and offer to show her how to grow her own garden, but she argues that she does not have the time to tend a garden, and that she does not have a "green thumb".

The growing season has begun again, and I am once again expecting my neighbor to not-so-subtly hint that she would like a portion of my garden's bounty. Short of telling her off, how can I get it through her head that my vegetables are not up for grabs?

Signed,
Urban Gardener

Dear Urban Gardener:

Your family must eat a lot of vegetables in order to go through the bounty of a few of each plant! My Mommie keeps a vegetable garden, so I know that a single tomato plant can result in over 30 tomatoes a month! Her cucumber plants result in even more, and her summer squash plants, while not so bountiful, do grow large fruits. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, though, and assume that you and your family do, indeed, devour all of these veggies.

It sounds to me that your neighbor is having difficulty keeping up with her food bills, and is hoping that you might share what appears to be excess. Fresh vegetables are expensive, and herbs even more so. Rather than shoot down your neighbor, might you plant an extra seed or two and present your neighbor with some seedlings and watering instructions? Tomatoes and cucumbers are hearty plants that do not require a whole lot of attention, just daily watering and plenty of sun. Once she realizes that she can successfully grow her own she will be more inclined to try, and thus less inclined to constantly ask you for your veggies. The extra effort put forth on your part will result in a harvest of good-will among your neighbors, and a good feeling in your heart knowing that you have helped someone in need. Consider the favors others have granted you in your life, and consider this a way of paying it forward.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Neighbor Is Revealing More Than Just His Charming Personality

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My new neighbor "Michael" is a delightful young man in every way possible but one. It is apparent that his mother never taught him the importance of drawing the bedroom curtains before changing clothes, because he fails to do so on a regular basis. My concern with this is that his bedroom window faces my children's bedroom window. My girls are rather young - 4 and 2 1/2 - so they do not yet understand that the view is an inappropriate one, and I try not to make a big deal out of things when I see them - I simply draw the window blinds.

I would like to say something to Michael about his lack of modesty, but I am afraid that such a conversation would be awkward and embarrassing, to say the least. I am divorced from my children's father; but he is still very protective of me and the girls so I cannot ask him to speak with Michael, either. An anonymous note seems so impersonal, plus I am pretty sure he would be able to figure out it came from me, since my house faces his bedroom window. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be very helpful, Tazi-Kat.

Signed,
Getting An Eyeful

Dear Getting An Eyeful:

Your situation is a sticky one, and requires a delicate but direct approach to solve. Since you are not comfortable speaking directly to your new neighbor, why not send a personal note? It need not be anonymous, just politely worded. For example, you could say something like this:

Dear Michael,

I hope you are settling into your new home, and enjoying your new neighborhood. I know we are happy to have you living next door, as you are perfectly delightful in so many ways! However I have, on occasion, noticed an issue that has left me with concern regarding my young daughters.

I am not certain if you have realized it, but your bedroom window faces my children's bedroom. My children, being naturally curious, love to look out the window and watch the world go by; and on occasion, they have noticed that you do not close your bedroom curtains. I realize that you may not have had time to shop for any yet; but the longer you go without them the greater the chance that my girls will catch you in a state of undress or other intimate moment. I am afraid this might lead to an awkward moment for both of us, so I thought I would be best to mention this sooner rather than later.

I thank you for your anticipated understanding, and look forward to seeing you in person (just not through the bedroom windows, if you catch my meaning!).

If your neighbor is as delightful as he seems, I am sure he will understand your position and at the very least cover the window with a sheet or towel until he can hang some proper curtains or blinds; and hopefully, you will have a few more years before you need to inform your daughters about the "facts of life".

-- Tazi-Kat

New Neighbor Gets Snubbed For Being Single

Dear Tazi:

I am 40 years old and have finally accomplished my dream of owning my own home! I have saved and invested since I was 18, and when the right house in the right neighborhood went up for sale I was able to purchase it with only a small mortgage. I have never married and have no children, which made it a little easier to save, but now I am questioning if I did the right thing (buying in this neighborhood, not avoiding marriage and motherhood).

The neighborhood I live in is a pleasant mix of old and young. I spent my first few months settling in and organizing, and only had the opportunity to meet my next door neighbors on either side of me – both older, retired couples whose children have moved out of state. This week, while weeding the front yard garden, I saw a woman about my age walking by with three children. I said hello and this is how the remainder of the conversation went:

Woman: Do I know you?

Me: No, I just moved into the neighborhood a few months ago. I’m “Cassie”

Woman: Oh. I didn't think I recognized you from the playground.

Me: Playground?

Woman: Yes, that’s where all of the Moms take their kids to go play.

Me: Well, that explains why you have not seen me there! I don’t have any children; but if that is where all the women of the neighborhood gather I will have to come down and say hello!

Woman: That’s probably not a good idea. You don’t seem to have anything in common with us.

Me: Really? Why do you say that? I am sure we all have lots in common!

Woman: Yes, but you don’t have children.

Me: Is that a problem?

Woman (looking at me like I am stupid): You wouldn't understand; you aren't a Mom. You probably work during the day, too, right?

Me: Yes, how else would I support myself?

Woman: You have no husband, either?

Me: No, I am single and a home-owner. Is that so unusual?

Woman (eyeing me suspiciously): Yes. I have to go now.

She then hurried off, corralling her children (who were playing tag) and yanking them down the street muttering to them.

I didn't know what else to say, so I finished gardening and asked one of my next door neighbors if everyone was so unfriendly. They told me they did not know; that they did not really associate with the younger people on our street. They then invited me to join them for their card night, a sweet offer but I would really like to make friends with people my own age!

I am considering putting together a nice goodie basket – fresh fruit, chocolates, muffins, bottled water, etc. – and taking a walk down to the playground to see for myself if the rest of the younger neighbors are just as stand-offish and unwelcoming as this other woman was. Do you think this is a good idea? Should I have a house party instead? I just want to feel at home in my new neighborhood!

Signed,

“Cassie”

Dear “Cassie”:

A house party would require parents of young children to hire a babysitter, so this idea – while well intended – may further alienate you from your younger neighbors. I do, however, love your idea of a playground goodie basket! You could announce yourself with a friendly wave and a jovial “Hello! I’m Cassie! I’m new to the neighborhood, and I hear this is where all the young, hip people hang out!”

Speaking of young and hip, I am a young and hip cat! Can I come with you? Who can resist a sweet little kitty in a goodie basket?

No autographs, please...well, okay; maybe just a few...

The woman you met may be the possessive, insecure type who is afraid that her friends will all want to play with the new girl and not her. I know this sounds like fourth-grade playground antics, but some people never grow up. While she may have a point (or two, which I will get to in a moment) her delivery of them was poor. There was no excuse for her absolute rudeness. A Paw Slap to her!

And a mean paw slap at that!

Before you go to the playground with your cornucopia of yum-yums, try to remember that among married women, an unmarried (or divorced or widowed) woman can sometimes be seen as a threat – especially if she is pretty and the other woman’s marriage is not all that stable. It is stupid and petty, I know, but humans can be territorial, just like any other animal. You may discover that these Moms are rather cliquish and do not have room in their circle for someone who does not have children. If they are Overachieving Moms who like to brag they may not have time for a woman who does not have children. After all, how can they boost their egos by tearing down yours when they can’t guilt you about how you don’t spend enough time making precious memories with your kids when you don’t have any? [Ed. Note: Not all OA Moms are like this…].

There may also be some pretty cool Moms there who would LOVE to have a normal, adult-centered conversation; one that does not revolve around toilet training, the latest cold making the rounds, and the best way to get Play-Doh out of a shag carpet. One thing is for certain, you will not find out anything for sure until you make the effort to get to know the people in your neighborhood. Jump in without expectations; this way you can be pleasantly surprised if you discover your neighbors are warm and friendly and avert disappointment if they are not. I wish you luck and much happiness in your new home!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.