Old School Bully Is A New Man

Dear Tazi:

This week I got an invitation to my 10 year high school reunion. It is the first reunion my class is having, and my wife is looking forward to going. We met after college, and she wants to see "who I was" in high school. Tazi, this is why I don't want to go; I am not the same person I was back then.

Growing up, both of my parents were alcoholics and I used to bully the other kids in school. I guess it was my way of dealing with things at home. I got a lot of detention, which was great because it meant I wouldn't have to go straight home after school, but it also left me surrounded by a bad crowd. I scraped through high school and went to college as an excuse to live away from home without having to pay my own way. I racked up a lot of student loans to pay for my room and board.

When I was 21, I saw my best friend die of a drug overdose, and I realized I needed to get my life straight. I went to counseling, started to take school more seriously, and even qualified for some scholarship money! I live a clean, sober life and work hard to support my wife and our young family. I have no desire to re-visit my past full of mistakes. I feel like I have lied to my wife by not telling her about the man I was back then - all she knows about my younger days is that my parents were alcoholics (still are, which is why I have no contact with them) and that I led a troubled life of my own.

Am I lying to my wife, Tazi? Should I go back to my roots and hope that those people can accept me for who I am now, and forget who I was back them?

Signed,
New Man

Dear New Man:

The great thing about reunions is that they offer us a chance to catch up with people; to hash over old memories; and even to apologize for old hurts. I suggest you go to your reunion, but first prep your wife by telling her the truth about your less than savory past. As your wife, she has the right to know about who you are - past and present. Let her know about the events that molded you as a child, and those that molded you into an adult. I get the sense that she wants to go to the reunion to find out who you were because she is curious to know you better.

People change over the years. The class clown might now be the Vice-President of an Accounting firm; the ugly duckling may now be a total swan; the nerd you picked on may now keep company with the likes of Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Gates...and the school bully who picked on everyone may now be a stand up guy, who feels the need to apologize to those he hurt when he was young. Attending your reunion is an opportunity to give closure as well as get closure on your past. I sincerely hope you choose to attend.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teen Wants To Drop-Out, Learn Lessons From The "School Of Life"

Dear Tazi:

I hate school.  It's boring and I think I could learn a lot more in the School of Life than I am in my local high school.  I will be 16 in January - old enough to drop-out.  My parents have told me if I do that, I can find a new place to live.  I don't think they would actually kick me out, but it is a risk I am willing to take.  What really has me angry is my father.  He owns his own company - a warehouse and shipping place - but he has told me that he doesn't hire people without a high school diploma, a GED, or a good reason for not having either - no exceptions, not even for me.  I don't think this is very fair.  First, my parents tell me I can find another place to live if I leave school, then they won't offer me a job to help me make it until I can find something on my own.  it's like they are forcing me to stay in school.

My Mom is crazy about you, Tazi.  She is always reading your column.  Do you think you can convince her to either ease up or get my father to give me a job?  Without a job, I have to stay in school.

Signed,
Hates School

Dear Hates School:

At sixteen years old, it is not uncommon to hate school.  Many of your peers also think school is boring and that nothing they are learning has anything to do with them.  Many of these students drop-out; some do well for themselves because they have a strong work ethic and generally were holding down a job before leaving school, others discover that dropping out was a big mistake.  Right now, the choice is yours to make - which group do you want to join?

Your comment that you could learn more from the "School of Life" shows a woeful amount of ignorance as to what the School of Life is really like.  Currently, you cannot handle a six-hour workday which requires you to attend 180 days a year, with weekends off; one week vacations every six to eight weeks; and three months off during the summer.  The School of Life may require you to work weekends; days as long as 12-hours, little to no vacation time your first year on the job; no summers off; and low-pay for work harder than you are doing right now.

I suggest that, for a moment, you look at your situation from an employer's point of view.  If you cannot handle school because it is "boring", what is going to happen if you do not like some aspect of your job?  Will you leave it for another to handle?  Would you be open to learning new skills to advance within the company, or is learning something that does not apply to your immediate living situation just not your thing?  These are questions that may go unspoken, but that a Hiring Manager is asking him/herself.  

I like your father's attitude - many employers are not willing to give a chance to someone without a high school diploma or a GED, even though the potential employee may have had extenuating circumstances as to why they were unable to complete their high school education.  This is something you will quickly discover if you drop out of high school (most states do not allow you to sit for your GED tests until you are 18).

Since you seem so gung-ho about working, I suggest you ask your parents for a compromise: You will stay in school and ask if your father will hire you to work after-school and/or weekends.  This will give you the opportunity to finish your high school education while learning valuable lessons in the School of Life you seek to attend.  If the experience of others has taught me anything, it is that you will soon discover how important an education really is.

If by the start of the next school year you still want to drop out and work full-time, your parents should honor this decision.  They do not, however, have to support your decision - I suggest that you save every dime you make, develop a standout work ethic and plenty of professional references so you can find a full-time job on your own in order to become self-supporting.  If I were you, I would not doubt your parents threat to kick you out of the house - it sounds to me as though your education is more important to them than it is to you.  I am not certain of the laws in your state (or what your state is), but generally it is unlawful to kick an underage youth out of the house.  However, you cease to be a youth on your 18th birthday.  Just saying...

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Wants To Keep Plan To Drop Out A Secret

Dear Tazi:

I have not been doing well in school this year. As of my last report card I was failing two subjects and my grades have not improved any. My parents have refused to pay for summer school again (I went last summer) which means I will have to stay back a year. I can't stand school and I want to drop out. I know that this is a bad idea and that, in my state at least, you need to be 18 before you can test for a GED. I am only 16 1/2 which would mean I would have to wait a year and a half in limbo without a diploma or a GED.

I know a lot of employers will not hire a high school drop-out, so I was thinking about not officially dropping out. This way I can remain on the school roster as a student and work full-time at the same time. This would mean I have to work nights and weekends, but I would at least be able to establish myself in a job and prove what a good worker I am so when the boss finds out I dropped out of high school he wouldn't be so mad. Also, I could keep the fact that I have dropped out from my parents by pretending to go to school in the morning and then coming home to sleep while they are at work.

I am pretty sure my plan is fool-proof, but I wanted to run it by someone before I do it. I don't want to tell anyone because my Mom always says that once you tell someone a secret it is no longer a secret. Can you see any downfalls with my plan?

Signed,
Ready For The Real World

Dear Ready For The Real World:

Starting life in the "real world" based upon a lie is not a good way to start at all. If you are not brave enough to own your decisions than you are not brave enough to face the world on its terms. Based upon the poor grammar and number of spelling errors (all of which I corrected) I am going to assume that English is one of the subjects you are failing. Having a poor grasp on this subject is going to limit the types of job for which you will qualify. Even if your job does not require you to write, most jobs require you to be able to understand written instructions. This is where a high school education will come in handy.

I commend you on your plan to test for a GED, but there is no guarantee that you will pass the test, and you will have to study for it, just as you would for any other test you take in school. The only difference is that this test is a much larger one with a lot more riding on it.

If you were to work full time and not attend school, you would eventually be dropped from the rolls. Depending on your school district you may be dropped after as little as one month of unexcused absences. In the meantime, the school would be calling your parents to report your absence as well as the truant officer to search for and locate you. If you think your parents are upset with you now, wait and see how upset they will be if you follow through with your plan.

If you have not been tested for learning handicaps (dyslexia, ADD, or other issues that can make learning difficult) I suggest you go to your guidance counselor and ask for a screening. Your hatred of school may stem from your poor grades, which may in turn stem from a learning disorder that has gone undiscovered.

I strongly urge you to complete your high school education, but if you are set on dropping out than I strongly suggest you be honest about it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

He's In A Wheelchair; Should She Ask Him To The School Dance?

Dear Tazi:

I have secretly been in love with the same boy since middle school.  I am now a sophomore in high school, and my school's annual Winter Ball is next month.  I would really like to ask my crush to go with me, but I am afraid it would be awkward.  You see, the boy I like is in a wheelchair.  Would it sound insensitive if I were to ask him to a school dance?

"Dax" is an amazing guy.  He is cute, friendly, and always surrounded by friends and making people laugh.  He is the kind of person you can hang with all day and not even notice his wheelchair until you get up to leave, and realize that he has to take the long way to the exit because he needs to use the ramp.  I think he would have a good time at the Winter Ball, even if he can't dance.  I know lots of guys don't dance, but go because their girlfriends make them, so Dax wouldn't be the only guy not dancing if he went with me and I could dance with the other girls whose dates don't dance.  If I explained things to him this way, do you think Dax would say yes to going to the dance with me?

Signed,
Winter Blues

Dear Winter Blues:

I think if you told Dax everything you just told me he would be super insulted that you assume he is unable of getting around on the dance floor.  Disabled does not mean unable.  Whether Dax enjoys dancing or not is a matter of his personal preferences, not his chair.  I know plenty of men with two perfectly working legs who can't dance worth a lick!  Many people in chairs are capable of pulling moves non-paraplegics can only dream of doing, like popping a wheelie while spinning in a circle - with or without an attractive date sitting on their lap, arms thrown around their shoulders!

You write that Dax is "an amazing guy" who is "always surrounded by friends and making people laugh".  How do you think he would feel if he was excluded from the dance because of the wheelchair that you otherwise do "not even notice"?  If you want to ask Dax to the dance - and he is interested in spending time with you - I do not see why he would refuse.  Several years ago my Mommie went to a Winter Ball with a date who was in a wheelchair.  She had an awful time because her dress was improperly sewn and the rear seam tore, but her date had an awesome time tearing up the dance floor while Mommie searched for a needle and thread.  After the dance, they went clubbing and danced some more!

If you aren't certain about how to ask Dax to the dance, try the casual approach.  Ask him if he is considering going, or if anyone has asked him yet; judge by his response as to whether or not he seems interested in going and decide what move to make from there.  Asking someone you like on a date can be a nerve-wracking experience, so just take a deep breath and act like you always do when you are around Dax...unless you normally act like the giggly airhead girls seem to turn into when they are around their crush, in which case try to act like you do around your best friend.

Please write back and let me know how things turn out for you!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adoptee Faces Issues When Tracing Family Tree

Dear Tazi:

I have always known I was adopted - my family celebrates both my birthday and my adoption anniversary - and I have never felt unwanted or curious about my birth parents. I have a wonderful family and know that this is the reason my birth mother put me up for adoption - so I could have a better life than she could give me.

This year in my History class we are tracing our family trees, so naturally I chose to trace my adoptive family's tree - they are my family and I am a part of them. To me, this was an absolute no-brainer; I don't even think of my family as my "adoptive" family, even though I know we are not blood relatives.

It turns out I have some pretty cool ancestors! I have been able to trace my family back to both sides of the War of Northern Aggression/American Civil War and may even have Native American Indian ancestors, too! Personally, I think my family tree is by far the most interesting of all my classmates but that could also be because it is my family tree. My problem is that a few of my classmates have accused me of cheating.

One girl in my class made a big deal of pointing out that I am not "REALLY" related to any of the people in my family tree because I was adopted, and to do a "true" family tree I should have to hunt down my "true roots". A few of her (snobby) friends agreed with her and complained to the teacher, who asked me if I would be interested in finding out about my "real" family. Tazi, I walked out of the room. If I didn't I think I would have punched the guy.

Obviously, I got sent to the Vice-Principal's office for walking out of class but I didn't get in trouble because the Vice-Principal didn't know what to do about the situation. He mumbled something about talking to the teacher and sent me to the Guidance Counselor to "talk things out with a professional". The counselor was really nice and helped me calm down and even made me laugh when she called my History teacher a name I am not supposed to repeat.

I am not exactly sure why I am writing to you about this, but I think it is for a couple of reasons. The first is that I want people to understand that an adopted kid's main family is the family that adopted them; the people who raised them are their "real" family! The second reason is that I am really angry with those snobby girls that accused me of cheating, and with my teacher for asking such a stupid question. Sometimes writing stuff down helps me get my feelings out of my head. The third reason is to ask you what you think. Do you think those girls are right? I know you print a lot of stuff about adoption and even have friends who are adopted, so I want to know.

Snuggles right back at ya, little cat!

Signed,
Tracing My Ancestry...I Think

Dear Tracing My Ancestry...I Think:

You humans are so silly with your distinctions. Cats see all animals as other cats, just bigger or smaller; aggressive or non-aggressive. To a cat, you humans are just really big, non-aggressive cats who are unfortunate enough to have been born without tails.

Your use of the term "War of Northern Aggression" tells me that you hail from the Southern United States, as no self-respecting Yankee would ever refer to the Civil War by that name (just like with the Battle of Bull Run/Manassas, the winner gets the naming rights). Now that I am done digressing I will get to my point...It has been my experience that people from the Deep South and New England blue bloods have one thing in common: they are both very concerned with bloodlines and personal background. It appears that your classmates are insanely jealous that your family bloodline is much more impressive than theirs, which is why they are attempting to discredit you and your ancestry project.

As far as I am concerned, your family's bloodlines are just that - your family's bloodlines. Since you are a member of your family they are your bloodlines, too! If these girls continue to give you a problem, tell them that a family tree is meant to represent the loving ties that bind people together and not just the genetic ties that occur by happenstance. Then, hold your head high and walk away from these girls who appear to have the intellectual depth of a puddle

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Son Of A Wayward Mom Needs A Way Out

Dear Tazi:

I am 15 years old and the byproduct of a one-night-stand that my mom had. I have a younger brother and his Dad was a boyfriend of my Mom’s in the loosest of terms. I think “friend with benefits” would be a better description.

I remember how when I was little my Mom would always bring guys home to sleep over. I was supposed to call them “uncle” but I never did. I remember once when I was seven or eight a woman called the house and left a message on the answering machine calling my Mom a “whore”. I never did find out who that woman was, but I did learn the meaning of the word whore and had to admit that my Mom fit the description. She was always accepting expensive presents from these guys. My grandparents never defended my Mom when people looked down on her or talked bad about her and I am afraid it is because everything people were saying was true.

I started high school this year, and there are kids from other middle schools than my old one so I am meeting a lot of new people. One of the kids I go to school with is a very pretty, popular girl that everyone likes. I’ll call her “Kris”. When her Mom came to pick her up from school the other day she saw me with my Mom and recognized Mom from a long time ago when I was just a kid. I guess Kris’ Mom told her a few stories about my Mom because today there was a stupid fight in the cafeteria.  I asked Kris to a school dance, not realizing that she had a boyfriend. He overheard me asking and before she could answer he told me to “go f—k [my] mother, that every other guy in the county has so why not me?”

The insult really hurt because I know the guy was exaggerating but I didn't know what to say. Mom still brings guys home every weekend (I now stay at my grandparents’ house on weekends because of it). I want to tell my Mom that she is embarrassing me and that I am worried about her but I don’t know how. I also want to protect my little brother from the things that I am hearing and he might when he gets a little older. I love my Mom but I don’t like the way she lives her life. I am hoping people will just forget what they have heard. Do you think they will?

Signed,

Son Of A W____

Dear Son Of A W____:

First, you need to wash your mouth out with lye soap for referring to your mother by that nasty word (which I have censored!)! What she is in the eyes of others does not change the fact that she is the woman who gave birth to you! She is your mother and you will respect her! Do you understand? Like Bill Cosby says, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"

Now available on T-shirts!

Now, I sincerely doubt your mother is going to change her habits at this late date, so I am going to suggest that you do your best to distance yourself from them. Ask your grandparents if you can have a key to their house so you can come over as needed, when needed, in order to feel safe and comfortable. Make sure your mother has some form of personal protection in case one of her “dates” turns violent (I recommend pepper spray by the bedside and 9-1-1 on speed dial); tell her point-blankly that you are worried about her safety and that her behavior is starting to affect the way people are treating you.

If someone makes a rude comment about your mother, look the person squarely in the eye and say “I didn't realize your Mom was the Virgin Mary!” then walk away. The more emotional you get when you react the more people are going to try and get a reaction out of you. In high school, everyone is trying to fit in and someone is always standing out so sooner or later this, too, shall blow over and someone else will be the headline of the week.

If you can, enlist the services of your school guidance counselor or another trusted adult who has been trained to deal with the difficult logistics of this situation. Your mother’s behavior is abusively unstable – to herself, and to you and your younger brother. You should not have to flee to your grandparents’ house every weekend in order to avoid running into your mother’s latest bed-partner. Hopefully, an intervention will open your mother’s eyes to all that is happening around her.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Aspiring Journalist Must Learn To Ignore Discouragement

Dear Tazi:

I am a junior in high school and have worked on my school paper since middle school. I love journalism, and my goal in life is to be a professional journalist someday. My classmates all want to work for papers like the New YorkTimes or the Washington Post, but my dreams are a little less…I guess the word is “dry”. My dream is to have a byline with the New York Post.

I love The Post’s over the top style and ability to present the news as it is, with its no holds barred headlines, human interest stories, and awesome celebrity news and photos I think it is one of the more interesting newspapers out there, and I want to be a part of making it all happen!

In the past, my journalism teachers have all been supportive of my dream, but this year’s teacher is not. “Miss Jones” has told me that she only teaches serious journalism students and that the time has long passed for me to give up my “childish dream of working for a tabloid”. I do not consider The Post to be a tabloid newspaper simply because it does not conform to the stuffy image of other newspapers.

I feel like Miss Jones is not being fair to me and am upset that she keeps telling me to set my sights in a “more serious direction”. I feel like she is refusing to take me seriously as a student because my dream doesn't come into focus on her radar. I have tried talking with my academic counselor about the unfair treatment, but it got me nowhere. The counselor told me not to put all of my eggs in one basket, that there are a lot of opportunities out there that I am ignoring by focusing solely on one paper. Tazi, do you think this is true? Should I give up on my dream of one day writing for the New York Post? Or should I follow my heart and accept whatever consequences come my way.

Signed,

Cub

Dear Cub:

My lifelong dream is to one day be famous enough to make it onto Page Six of the New York Post. In my case, the fact that I am far too shy to ever leave my yard and travel to New York makes my dream much less realistic than yours.

Every successful newspaper fills a niche, and while the NewYork Post is not in the same class as the New York Times, it is hardly the WeeklyWorld News. The Post brings people the news in a less pretentious, easy to read manner, and sprinkles it with a style that makes people feel good about themselves for reading the news. I think your goal to be a part of this is quite admirable!

My advice to you is not to give up on your dream, but to steadily work towards that dream. Try starting by writing for your local paper – print or online. Papers from your community newsletter to Patch are always looking for people who are willing to write in return for experience and additions to their portfolio – something like an internship, except without the professional guidance. I also suggest that you speak with your career counselor about internship opportunities. Many of these positions are unpaid, but some offer a stipend and all offer the opportunity to learn from the pros while you work on improving your professional skills.

The New York Post is a very large paper centered in the largest news market in the world; to hope to start your professional career with them would require starting at the very bottom – several steps below where you might start with other, smaller papers and possibly outside the departmental range of where you would like to work. Rather than make your dream job your starting point and set yourself up for disappointment, why not make it a second or even third step in your career? By doing this you will have already proved yourself worthy of the job by climbing your career ladder rung by rung instead of reaching several levels above your current skills. Experience is a wonderful teacher!

Speaking of teachers, I suggest that you ignore your teacher’s criticism. She may mean well, but she cannot predict what future successes or failures await you. Twenty years ago, my Mommie failed Chemistry. Her teacher passed her with a “D” because he felt badly for her and figured she would never be taking another Chemistry class again; she now tutors the subject professionally and works as a Chemistry Laboratory Teaching Assistant.

I wish you much luck, and hope to one day see your byline in the New York Post! Let me know when it happens!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Legacy Does Not Wish To Continue The Family Tradition

Dear Tazi:

I am a high school senior at a very prestigious private school in Massachusetts. My parents required me to apply for early acceptance at Harvard; because I make a very competitive candidate, and because I am a legacy, there is an excellent chance that I will be accepted into this fine institution.  My problem is that I do not want to go to Harvard. I have spent the last fourteen years of my life attending private preparatory schools where I have lived among the world's most privileged; been pushed to excel beyond what is expected of other students my age; and isolated from reality. I feel like a bird in a gilded cage! I want to spread my wings and fly!

I would like to apply for acceptance to some of the nations more prestigious public schools, like the University of Michigan, UConn (I play basketball), Penn, and especially the University of Texas at Austin! My parents will not hear of such a dream, and insist that if I do not go to Harvard than they will not finance my education any further. In addition to playing sports and participating in Student Government and other extracurricular activities, my grades seat me in the top 1% of my class. I do not think financing my education will be an issue, since I am certain I will qualify for academic grants and scholarships. My parents did not appreciate this rebuttal, and threatened to cut me off completely if I do not agree to attend Harvard. As tempting as it is to consider making it on my own, I know that real life is not like a television show; to be cut off completely at the age of 18 is actually quite frightening.

I cannot talk to any of my academic counselors at school, Tazi; they would not understand. Plus, their job is to encourage behaviors that best represent the school, and seeing an alumna off to Harvard would look very good for the school. Can you think of any way I can win this argument with my parents? Or am I to continue to follow their rules for the rest of my life?

Signed,
Not A Kardashian

Dear Not A Kardashian:

You sound like a young woman with more than just academic intelligence; you sound like you have a sense of adventure, combined with a sense of practicality, with a good dose of reasoning skills added to the mix. I am happy that you acknowledge the fact that life is not like a TV show; this is something that some people still need to learn.

Looking at the situation from your parents point of view, I see a few factors at work. First is their desire for their daughter to succeed in life at the level where they hope you will be entering the world. I get the distinct impression that they do not expect your first job to be an entry level one. Second, you mention that you are a legacy. Would you be the second generation to be a Crimson, or do you come from a long line of "John Harvards"? [Ed. Note: The mascot, people; not the brewpub!].  These factors, along with Harvard's reputation for academic excellence, could explain your parents push for you to stay in the Bay State.

Did you know that the University of Texas at Austin only accepts 15% of non-resident students into its freshman class every year? It is also one of the most competitive schools in the nation, public or private. Did you know that Thomson-Reuters ranked Harvard #2 worldwide for academic excellence?  It ranked a few points behind the California Institute of Technology; University of Michigan ranked 18th (which is not too shabby!). More importantly, do your parents know this?

I suggest that you gather non-biased information from reputable sources about each of your preferred schools, along with information about Harvard.  Compare and contrast each of the schools until you find what you feel is the best fit for you, and from there present the information to your parents in a logical manner, explaining to them why you feel your first choice school is the best choice for you - including the fact that a public school will fulfill your desire to interact with people of all socioeconomic levels. Remind your parents that an unhappy student is less likely to succeed in life than one who is comfortable with their surroundings.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Did you know that President John F. Kennedy, a Harvard graduate, once called his alma mater "the [University of] Michigan of the east"?  He did!  You can Google it!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.