Is She His Wife - Or His Live-In Maid?

Dear Tazi,

My husband accepted a job nearly six months ago that we believed exhibited a lot of opportunity. Since then, it has been a lot of empty promises. He received an average salary for someone who works a 40 hours week. Expected bonuses, retirement plans and health insurance never manifested.

The business operates in three locations which are geographically distant seven days per week, nearly 24 hours per day. He has taken only 5 days off since October. Those days off are actually days he works from home via phone. He averages 95 hours per week and his health and family life have suffered greatly.

Tazi, we are hard workers in my home. I work three part time jobs and go to school full time. I understand the difficulties of having to work hard to get ahead but I have taken on all household matters, caregiving for his dogs and my step-daughter. I love her but she needs her father, too, in the absence of her natural mother. I feel like the hired help when I am leaving for work in the early hours just as he is showing up from work. I basically live alone in my marriage. I have asked my husband to limit his work schedule to 60 hours per week and he say he will, but fails miserably at fulfilling that request. I do not think I am being a miserable bat by making this request.

I have a value for pets far greater than most humans. Recently, I unexpectedly lost a pet that meant the world to me. He assured me he would come home and called a short time later to cancel because he was told to go to a meeting. He showed up 12 hours later. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. A four day domestic war ensued.

My husband believes that if you love someone that is all that matters. I have tried to explain to him that love is important, but, respect, partnership, and cohabitation are just as important. I am ready to move on from a person I love profoundly over the whole matter. I can not get the man to keep a doctor’s appointment with his schedule so counseling surely will not fly.

Where do I go from here?

Signed,

The Hired Help

Dear The Hired Help:

The expression "love conquers all" can have two meanings - it can conquer all hardships, or it can conquer you as a person. In your efforts to single-handedly keep your marriage and family afloat, it appears that love is conquering you, and your husband is not home often enough to see the toll it is taking. 

While love IS very important, there are other, equally important promises made when one takes wedding vows - to honor and cherish, forsaking all others, until death parts you. Or for as long as you both shall live. Or 'til death do you part. There are many ways to say it, but the bottom line is, your husband is not honoring and cherishing you the way you would like to be honored and cherished, and his is forsaking you for his employers! Is he aware of this fact? While these are things that are ideally discussed in a marriage counselor's office, you can discuss them with each other with a little advance planning. When people go to a counselor, they often keep a mental list of what they want to discuss and how it makes them feel; if you and your husband can take the time to do this and find an hour a week to calmly discuss these mental lists perhaps you will be able to work things through on your own. Let your husband know that committing to this time is a sign that he is still committed to your marriage in the way you need him to commit to it.

Many men believe that their "job" in a marriage is to care for the financial needs of the family, and that by working every waking moment (as in your husband's case) they are being a good husband by being a good provider. Once upon a time this may have been true, but nowadays - with wives working, and in your case working three jobs - husbands are no longer the sole financial providers to a family; nowadays, husbands need to provide social supports (emotional, intellectual) to their wives and families as well. It appears that you are the only one providing this kind of support, and that the well is running dry. Your husband needs to be made aware of these facts and commit to change, starting by accepting the fact that he is being short-changed at work, and in turn short-changing his loved ones - you, his daughter, and even the dogs - financially and emotionally. 

Even this Superwoman had help from Mrs. Brady and the kids!

One thing you do not mention is whether or not your husband actually enjoys working so much for so little. I know this question sounds daft, but some people are workaholics, and they thrill to the thought of accomplishing just one more task, just one more sale before calling it a day, regardless of how much money they are making for doing it - the sense of a job well done, of praise from the boss is all that they need. For people like this, work is their entertainment, and they cannot understand why everybody else does not feel the same. If this describes your husband, then you will need to approach him from his point of view, pointing out that the "joys and accomplishments" of work should leave time for life's other joys and accomplishments - time with a loving spouse that leads to a successful marriage; father-daughter dates that will help her grow into a well-adjusted adult woman (read: one without Daddy issues!); and most importantly, the ability to be there for those they love when those they love need them the most! If this tact does not work, you could also point out to your husband that all of his hard work is lining the pockets of the company owners - not his own. 

I strongly believe that six months is more than enough time to invest in a job to see if it is the right fit - most companies have a three month probationary period, during which time both sides can decide if the job is a good fit for the worker and if the worker is a good fit for the job. In many areas of the country the economy is improving and employers are willing to invest in workers who have the type of work ethic you and your husband have! It is past time for your husband to tell his employers that the time has come to shape up or he will ship out - before you offer your husband the same ultimatum. (He sounds like he would do well in Marketing or Sales, both fields that pay well and can offer a structured, 40-hour-a-week work schedule when the worker insists upon it). 

On a more personal note, I would like to offer my condolences on the loss of your beloved pet. We fur and feather covered creatures are family members, too, and from the sound of it your pet was your non-human child. A Paw Slap of Disgust (hard, not soft!) to your husband for not being there for you in your hour of need. When The Feline Uprising is complete, I shall make him clean the litter boxes of a thousand lactose-intolerant cats, sans gloves, and I shall make sure that we all drink heavy cream and use the cheap, non-clumping litter until he has paid his penance!

Snuggles,

Tazi 

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is He The Father, Or Is She A Scam Artist?

Dear Tazi:

I met my husband of four years in church.  Like many people, he had a "past" and had come to the Church seeking forgiveness and renewal.  While we were dating, "Thomas" informed me of his loose behaviors and assured me that he was a changed man.  His commitment to me and to God are truly astounding, and I know that my husband is now as pure a man as a human can possibly be; I have long since accepted his past, as I know it led him to becoming the man he is today.

We have been trying to conceive for two years, and have realized that children are probably not in our future.  After much soul-searching and prayer, we had come to accept this idea when out of the blue a woman from Thomas' past contacted him and informed him that he is the father of her twelve year old son; that the boy has become an out of control "punk" and that she can no longer handle him by herself.  She demanded that Thomas "man up" and be a father to his child - starting with twelve years of back child support payments.

Tazi, we were both surprised to hear that Thomas has a son, and are more than happy to make him a part of our family, especially after giving up all hope of ever having children; however, we are not in a position to pay twelve years of back child support for a child we only just found out existed!  Thomas is angry that this woman from his past never contacted him before now, and is justifiably upset and feeling like his son was stolen from him by this woman, who had been a one night stand.  In all fairness, Thomas says he never gave out his phone number to women he "hooked up with" back then.

When Thomas asked how this woman had found him, she responded that she had tracked him down through Facebook and that she had been searching for him for years.  Tazi, she could not have been searching very hard - Thomas was always listed in the phone book and has several friends and acquaintances in our small town.  Before he reformed, he could always be found at the same bar, seven nights a week.  Because she never told Thomas of his son's existence and never made a claim of paternity, we feel that Thomas does not owe a dime in back child support.  When Thomas told his son's mother this, she broke down and cried saying she could not afford a lawyer to sue him for the money, and that she needed it to pay her mortgage or her house would end up in foreclosure.

Tazi, my husband and I are starting to feel like this woman only "found" him because she is hurting for money and thought him an easy target.  Going forward, we would like to play a part in this boy's life and to let him know that his father did not abandon him.  We have offered to start a college fund for him (as a way of making up for back child support) but all the boy's mother said was "that doesn't do me any good now!"

I hate to even think it, but I am starting to think that this woman is a scam artist.  Thomas does not remember her, but to his (dis?)credit, he admits to having "a lot of one night stands back in the day".  We have suggested going to court to prove paternity and  arrange for joint custody and visitation, but this woman just freaked out and accused us of trying to take her son away from her.  We have talked to the boy on the phone, but have yet to meet him in person.  Do you think we are being scammed, Tazi?  Should we contact an attorney - or even the authorities?

Signed,
Wanting to Do the Right Thing

Dear Wanting to Do the Right Thing:

Infertility can be heartbreaking, but please do not let your eagerness to start a family lead you down a path of deceit.  I cannot say if this woman is a scam artist or not, but things do not sound all that kosher to me.  However, your husband's past plays a part in this soap opera, too, complicating what should be a very easy issue to solve.

Thomas is either the father to this child or he is not.  The fact that he has been absent for the first twelve years of the boy's life is not his fault, and it is admirable that you both wish to make amends by starting a college fund for the boy.  Before you do any of this, you should contact a reputable family law attorney.  A simple, painless DNA test will establish paternity of the child your husband has supposedly fathered and you can move forward from there.

If Thomas is not the child's father, you will need to decide whether or not to call your local authorities.  I believe that you should.  This woman could be a scam artist or she could honestly believe that your husband fathered her child, and she is now in a desperate enough place that she needs his help.  She mentioned that her son is a "punk", which means she could be looking for more than money; she could be looking for a father for her son.  The fact that she does not wish to involve the courts leaves me wary of her intentions.

If your husband did indeed father this boy, a court will rule on child support payments - past and future - as well as a visitation schedule and custody issues.  I think your idea of setting up a college fund for the boy is a wonderful idea, and should be presented to the judge, if it comes to that point.  You and your husband will both need to reassure the boy's mother that you do not seek to replace her in her son's life, that you simply seek to be an added part of his life.  It is your husband's right as a father, and I am happy to see that you are embracing the idea of being a stepmother.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Persecuted" Man Needs To Accept Personal Responsibility For His Actions

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I know that life is not fair, but why is it that I am persecuted more than others? I am currently unemployed because at my last job they kept changing my weekly hours to accommodate their scheduling needs without regard to my personal schedule. I finally got sick of having to choose between canceling my plans and not getting paid, so I quit, figuring I could collect unemployment on the basis of discrimination because I was the only person whose schedule was ever changed around like this. They say it was because I listed "open to close" as my availability when I applied for the job, which I did, but still! Nobody takes that to mean somebody is willing to live their life around work instead of work around their life! Do you see what I mean about being persecuted? My unemployment was denied, so I am now without an income or a reference from my former employer, making it even more difficult to find work.

Because of my employment situation, I have fallen behind on my child support payments to my ex-girlfriend for our son. My mother has been making the payments for me so "her grandchild" will not have to go without, but then she turns around and tells me that the payments are a "loan that [she] doesn't expect to be repaid". She said she will simply not purchase me any Christmas or birthday presents for the foreseeable future, and that any remaining debt will be subtracted from my inheritance when she passes. Talk about unfair! One minute, my son is "her grandchild" and the next his care is my sole financial responsibility!

On top of all this, my son's mother "Cherri" got married this past summer and is now moving two hours away! It is bad enough that she has sole custody of our son, but now another man gets to play the part of my son's Dad while I am the one stuck paying child support! Cherri's husband makes well over $100,000 a year, so they do not need my money, but they are taking it "on principle". Once again, life is kicking me while I am down.

Further complicating matters is the fact that my current mode of transportation is unreliable and I cannot depend on it to make a 4-hour round trip to see my son every other weekend, so I now only get to see him once a month, when his mother brings him down to visit with my Mom. This situation is not acceptable, but when I took Cherri to court to demand more visitation the judge sided with her, saying if I want increased visitation I should find a way to take advantage of the twice weekly and regular weekend visits I have already been granted. The judge completely ignored the fact that I don't have reliable transportation and therefore it should be Cherri's responsibility to bring our son to me. A boy needs time with his real Dad! Now on top of losing the case I owe my Mom even more money for attorney's fees, which the judge ruled I must pay. Persecuted again!

Icing this cake of persecution, Cherri is now pregnant and my son is excited about "becoming a big brother". I feel like this baby will be the nail in the coffin on my relationship with my son, as he will want to spend more and more time with his "new family" than with me. Like I said, life keeps kicking me when I am down. I would like Cherri to explain to our son that this baby will only be his half-sibling, and not a real brother or sister, just like his step-father is not his real Dad. I suggested this to her, and she had the nerve to laugh in my face! How can I get her to take my concerns seriously? About additional visitation, as well as the other issues?

Signed,
Dumped On By Life

Dear Dumped On:

I don't usually publish letters as lengthy as yours, but I was afraid if I edited it any further than I already have - or simply did not respond to it - you would feel that I, too, am "persecuting" you by censoring your voice. In all your rambling, however, you forgot to mention one important fact: What is your current living arrangement? Do you live in your mother's basement? Or do you have a girlfriend that pays your rent? Or maybe you live in your current (but unreliable) form of transportation? I am just curious to know how you are managing to stay off of the streets and out of the homeless shelter with no income and no apparent savings while being "persecuted" from all sides. Surely you have some sort of support system in place?

Having a mom who pays your child support so your son does not have to go without (and so you do not lose your visitation) and also pays your attorney's fees hardly seems to me like a form of persecution, so I would suggest you ease up on her. As for your unemployment situation, you are the one who quit your job without securing alternate employment, so this strikes me as your own poor decision making as opposed to persecution by your employer or the unemployment office. The fact that your former employer kept changing your weekly hours is unfortunate, but well within their rights.

I get the impression that you love your son and want to spend time with him, but only when it is convenient for you and then only on your terms. I realize that a four-hour round trip is a long way to travel in unreliable transportation, but there are other ways to communicate and visit with your son. A virtual visit through a webcam is free, and a wonderful way to spend time with your son on a daily basis. Phone calls are also a wonderful way to stay in touch between in-person visits.

As for your attitude towards your son's "new family": it stinks! When Cherri and her husband got married, her husband got an instant family. The fact that you fear your son is seeing this man as an additional Dad reveals to me that the man treats your son well. For this, you should feel grateful, not persecuted. I suggest you make an effort to be a more active presence in your son's life (even if this means getting to know Cherri's new husband, and accepting your son's joy at becoming a big brother) and stop complaining about having to pay child support. Children hear more than you realize, and it would be a shame if your son overheard you complaining about your financial responsibility to him.

Perhaps the reason you feel so persecuted is because it is easier to blame the world for the problems that are of your own making than it is to take ownership of them. Try taking responsibility for your mistakes, straightening out your financial situation (preferably with a paying job, and not more “loans” from your Mom), and making the sacrifices that are required of you to be a good parent. Maybe then Cherri, your mother, and others will start to take your concerns seriously.

-- Tazi-Kat

(No snuggles for you!)

Underage Romance Can Lead To Some Very Adult Legal Isuses

Dear Tazi:

I am 14, and very mature for my age. My mother, who has not dated since my father left when I was just a baby, has started seeing a very nice man that she really seems to like. I am happy for her, because I know she put her life on hold to raise me. Now that I am practically grown, it is her time to enjoy some of the things life has to offer.

The man she is dating also has a child - a 19 year old son named "Chuck" who I like a lot. Chuck has told me I am "one fine looking female" and would like to "see where things can go" between us. I realize that there is an age difference between us; but girls mature faster than boys, so there really isn't much of an age difference between us at all!

My one concern is that by dating Chuck, it may complicate things between my Mom and his Dad. Chuck agrees with me on this point, and says that this is why we would have to keep our romance a secret. I do not like the idea of keeping the fact that I have a boyfriend a secret, and told Chuck that; so for now, we are staying just friends. Tazi, do you have any advice on how to get Chuck to see that being public with our relationship is the only way we can grow as a couple?

Signed,
Molly From the South

Dear Molly From the South:

I am from the North, so I realize that we have a bit of a culture clash between us, starting with at what age it is appropriate for a young girl to enter into a relationship; however, the law is quite clear on this matter. All 50 states and the District of Columbia have what is called a Unrestricted Age of Consent. That is the age where it is legally acceptable for a man over the age of 18 to enter into a romantic/physical relationship with a girl who is under the age of 18. In no state is 14 the age of consent. You do not say which specific state you are from, but no state has set the age younger than 16 - and more than a few Southern states set the age at 17 or even 18. I believe this to be the real reason that Chuck would like to keep your romance a secret. It would not matter if your mother objected; if a romance between the two of you were discovered, the authorities could arrest Chuck and send him to jail.

The fact that Chuck would like to "see where things can go" between the two of you while keeping things a secret leads me to believe that he is after only one thing, and that you would be wise not to give in to him. Thus far, from what I can gather from your letter, you seem to have made some very mature choices. Paws up to you! Please do not let your romantic feelings for Chuck get in the way of making clear-headed choices.

Please remember that dating, hugging, holding hands and kissing are not illegal in any state; so long as it does not cross the line into "3rd base" behavior (groping, fondling, etc.). IF your mother is okay with you dating Chuck AND Chuck is willing to play by these rules, I would give a cautious O.K. to move forward - but only because it is your mother's approval that you need, not mine. You all might want to keep in mind that Chuck may one day be your step-brother.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

War Of Words Over World Of Warcraft Creates Real Life Miseries

Dear Tazi:

I have an embarrassing problem that is too recognizable for my local advice column, so I am hoping you will print my letter online. I have been dating a woman you would call my "lady friend" for two years now, and everything is great with one exception: our sex life is practically non-existent.

My girlfriend’s 23-year-old daughter “Maxine” lives at home and almost never leaves the house; my girlfriend is not comfortable being intimate while her daughter is in the house (or having me sleep over or sleeping over my place) so it is difficult for us to have any time alone. I know that this problem would solve itself it the problems with Maxine were solved, so I hope you can suggest how to fix her.

At 5’5” and 300+ pounds Maxine is grossly overweight and I believe the reason for her weight problem is her addiction to junk food and to playing World of Warcraft, which she plays like it is her job. Maxine has tried to claim that it is her job to play WOW because she blogs about the game. Tazi, her blog is poorly written and posts sporadically; she makes no money from it and its readership is probably non-existent. Aside from her WOW activities, Maxine has no outside interests, not even a paying job. Her mother has encouraged her to get out and look for a job, but does not push beyond that. She continues to pay all of Maxine’s bills, including her WOW subscription, which is not cheap.
I was left alone with Maxine last week when I stopped by just as my girlfriend ran out to the store for a few items. I snapped on Maxine after she made a rude comment to me – while her mouth was full of junk food. I told her exactly what I thought of her behavior and that she was a disgusting excuse for a human being. Maxine walked off in a huff and, unbeknownst to me, proceeded to eat an entire apple pie that her mother had baked for the church bake sale.

When my girlfriend arrived home about 30 minutes later, she was devastated that her pie was gone and asked what had happened to it. I was disgusted when Maxine blamed me for its disappearance, saying I had upset her so much she sought “comfort food” to assuage her hurt feelings. Tazi, she was wolfing down an entire box of Twinkies when I walked in the door! What was her excuse for that? My girlfriend was not happy about being put in the middle, and we had a huge argument that boiled down to my telling her that our relationship would never advance (she’s hoping for a ring) as long as her daughter remained a “greedy, gluttonous, slothful lump of human flesh” that sponged off of others. I told my girlfriend to think about that and stormed out the door before she could respond; it’s been a week and I still have not heard from her. I miss my girlfriend and would like to make things work, but not as long as Maxine remains...well, to be blunt, a greedy, gluttonous, slothful lump of human flesh that sponges off of her mother.

Signed,
Stuck With A Package Deal?

Dear Stuck With A Package Deal?:

It does not appear that you are “stuck with a package deal”; not after you called a part of that package a “greedy, gluttonous, slothful lump of human flesh”. I cannot see why your girlfriend would want anything to do with you after you said such cruel things about – and directly to – her daughter.

I do not think anyone is going to fall for the “comfort food” excuse Maxine used to excuse herself from eating her mother’s bake sale pie, least of all her mother who lives with her and has seen her daughter’s eating habits. It appears that Maxine was lashing out at her mother in punishment for your comments. However, this is a different issue altogether. It is not up to you – or me – to “fix” Maxine; it is up to you to try to mend your relationship with both Maxine and her mother if you wish to continue with your romantic relationship. The first step in this process is to apologize for your hurtful words – to both Maxine and your girlfriend. Nobody, no matter how greedy, gluttonous, or slothful, deserves to be called a “lump of human flesh”. We are all fallible, and the list you started has four more vices that accompany it: pride, lust, envy, and wrath; you are guilty of at least one of them. You hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of your own eye, and then shall you see clearly to pull out the mote that is in your brother's eye. (Luke 6:42 KJV). See how I am learning to control my wrath? I quoted scripture instead of paw-slapping you!


However, my lady friend has not yet found inner peace through God
I would be remiss if I did not address Maxine’s behavior, and I do hope that her mother is reading this because Maxine clearly needs help. Video games – especially large scale, multi-player, online games like World of Warcraft are extremely habit forming. This particular game has torn apart marriages as one spouse has neglected the other to play the game; a Google search will reveal other horror stories such as loss of jobs due to this gaming addiction. At 23 years of age, it is beyond time for Maxine to shelve the full-time gaming and grow up; this means getting help for her addictions, learning to adopt and adapt to a healthy diet, and getting a job; higher education; or job training. Her mother needs to stop enabling her and give Maxine a reason to look for work and to get a life; suspension of her WOW account, Internet connection, and mobile phone service might be just the incentive Maxine needs.

Perfunctory snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Seeks Favor With Un-favored Daughter After Favorite Sons Say No

Dear Tazi:

I was born out-of-wedlock, and my mother never misses a chance to remind me that she could have had an abortion or put me up for adoption, but no; she carried me to term and kept me in spite of the social scandal it was at the time. Growing up, I was made to feel like I was not good enough; and when Mom got married and had five children (all boys) with her husband, I became a persona non grata.

When I turned eighteen I escaped my parents’ house and moved away with a friend. I met my husband, “Donald”, while working at a coffee shop. He was in his final year of business school at the time and really could not afford to buy a coffee every day; but he really wanted to see me, too! (This explained why he always bought a small coffee, and paid for it with loose change). When I told my parents how we met, they said it would never last and that a man who could not even afford a coffee was not the kind of man I should marry.

It has been ten years since our wedding (which my parents refused to attend) and Donald and I are still happily married. He owns his own investment firm, and he are financially stable in spite of the difficult economy. Overall, we are successful as a couple and individuals and I am happy with my life. Now, my mother is trying to ruin it.

Mother’s husband recently left her for a younger woman, and she is devastated. She is unable to support herself and has not worked in years – my step-father is well-off – and has no marketable skills or the desire to learn any; instead, she is demanding to move in with Donald and me.

Once again my mother is reminding me that she could have had an abortion or turned me out, but she raised me anyway, and now that she needs a home and someone to care for her I am coldly turning my back on her. Before I could say anything, Donald stepped up and told her off! He told her she was a horrible mother to me and that he would never, ever allow her to live with us; that anyone who would dare speak so abusively to his wife was not welcome in our home. Tazi, have I told you yet how much I love my husband?

My problem now is that my mother has told everyone she knows that my husband is an ogre who refuses to allow her to set foot in my house; that he is keeping us separated against my will. My five half-brothers have all called and left nasty messages for us saying how awful we are that we won’t take Mother in during her time of need. Tazi, all five of them own their own homes and have plenty of room for her! They simply refuse to offer her living space because, as the youngest told me, “you’re the daughter; you get her, that’s how it goes”.

Tazi, I do not mind what my brothers say about me and Donald – I know that it is simply their way of trying to get me to buckle so they won’t get stuck with Mother – but I am upset that Mother’s friends think my husband is some kind of evil, controlling beast. Should I try to make contact with them to correct the impression my mother has given? Or do you think that would further complicate things?

Signed,
Cinderella

Dear Cinderella:

I am so glad you found your Prince, because your mother sounds like a very abusive woman. You sound like you have adjusted quite well in life, in spite of your difficult upbringing, and I am very impressed with the way your husband stands by your side to protect you. Normally, I would question whether or not you were okay with him speaking up to your mother on your behalf; but it sounds like you had no problem with him handling this particular fastball. So long as he allows you to speak your mind independently, and only acts the role of Knight in Shining Armor when he knows this is your preference, I have no issue with his actions. Is your mother aware that this is the dynamic between you and Donald? If not, I can see why she would think him “an ogre”.

Moving forward, I would give your mother’s friends more credit than you currently are; remember that your half-brothers have also refused to take dear old Mother into their homes, and this is not something that will go unnoticed in the gossip circles. Calling your mother’s friends to give your side of the story will only add fuel to this raging fire.

Your mother is obviously in a bind, one that I am certain she will manage to get out of on her own. As cruel as her statements to you have been, they do hold a lot of truth; only a strong woman would have been able to go against the tide of the times and have a child out-of-wedlock. Do not allow your mother’s guilt-tripping to derail your life.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Speed-Uh-Oh! Step-Daughter Catches New Dad In Awkward Swim Suit!

Dear Tazi:

I am a newly married, former single mother. My husband is of a higher economic class than I was before we wed, but he has always made it clear that what is his is mine; that we are married and that I should not feel like a guest in our home. It has been an adjustment for me to go from penny-pinching and coupon-clipping to living in a mansion with all the amenities, but my daughter has readily adjusted - perhaps bit too readily, which brings me to my problem.

"Jason", my husband, was a swimmer in college and has kept up with his sport ever since, continuing to swim competitively; hence, when he swims laps in his (our!) in-ground pool he wears a Speedo-style suit. Jason is also rather well-endowed, but he is not the type of man to flaunt himself. I cannot stress this last part enough!

My daughter "Tiffany" is fourteen, as are most of her friends. Last week, during a heat wave, she invited half a dozen of her girlfriends to come over for a swim. She did not ask permission first; as I said, she has readily adjusted to our new lifestyle. When Tiffany and crew arrived to swim, Jason was doing laps in the pool. Seeing that Tiffany and her friends wanted to cool off and splash around, he generously ended his workout a few laps early. While getting out of the pool he had to cross the patio to retrieve his towel, and all eyes were upon his manly physique.

Jason, like most men, was completely oblivious that that he was being observed and walked into the house without incident. My daughter was humiliated at what she called Jason's "inexcusable display" and has told me she wants an apology from Jason and a promise not to wear a male bikini around her friends again. I have tried to explain to my daughter that this was Jason's house first and that she needs to adjust her behavior accordingly; that he was kind enough to accommodate her unexpected company and that the next time she wants to bring friends over she should ask permission.

Tazi, Tiffany refuses to see anybody's point of view but her own. She tells me that I need to assert myself as the woman of the house and that Jason needs to change his behaviors now that there is a teenage girl in the house. She has told me that if I do not say something to Jason she will. All I want is peace in my new marriage and my new home. I want us to feel comfortable here, but I do not want to make Jason uncomfortable; he has had so much to adjust to as it is. Do you think Tiffany's demands are unreasonable? Should I ask my husband to change to a more modest swimsuit? He only wears it when he is doing laps; otherwise, he wears more modest-style trunks.

Signed,
In-Between

Dear In-Between:

The demands of a new marriage and the blending of a family can be stressful enough, without adding teenage angst to the mixture. At fourteen, your daughter is going to be embarrassed at everything that puts her in an unwanted spotlight, and she is going to have an attitude of entitlement about her that can only come from the confidence of being a teenager. Resist the urge to slap her silly and repeat after me: This is just a phase, and she will outgrow it soon.


Tiffany's demand for an apology and accusation that Jason created an "inexcusable display" of his body are out of line with what actually occurred. Tiffany was the one who barged in on Jason during his swim time; she is the one who should be apologizing for cutting short his workout and putting him on the spot. Please remind her of this fact. Your reminder that the house was Jason's place before it became your family home is the type of thinking that your husband is trying to help you to overcome. It sounds to me like compromise can come from all sides in this matter.

You say that Jason was oblivious to the stir his physique caused. This is a very good thing, considering the females who were noticing him were all decidedly underage. Knowledge of the stir he caused would only serve to make him uncomfortable around Tiffany's friends, so mentioning this fact is probably not a good idea. You could start the conversation by saying that Tiffany felt awkward barging in on him while he was swimming, and perhaps you could create a pool schedule - time when Jason can do his laps uninterrupted, and time where open swim for all is allowed. This will accommodate everyone while embarrassing no one. To ask Jason to change his swimwear would be wrong, considering he still swims competitively. The uniform may be outrageous, but the skimpiness of the suit shaves several precious seconds off of a swimmer's time.

Overall, you could learn a few things from your daughter about adjusting to your new home; your daughter still has a few things to learn about manners and respecting others. I wish you luck on becoming the family that you all dream of becoming.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's The Parents And Not The Bride That's A 'Zilla!

Dear Tazi:

I am getting married this summer – in the same church that my parents and grandparents did – and I am having a problem with my guest list. My parents have long been legally separated (since I was a very young child), but due to moral beliefs (and financial comforts) they have never divorced. My mother has enjoyed her freedom from being one-half of a couple, and has never expressed interest in meeting anyone new; my father, on the other hand, has had one girlfriend after another, each one younger than the last. He has been with his current girlfriend for two years now (a record). She is only eight years older than me.

Dad has told me how disappointed “Courtney” is that she was not asked to be in my wedding party, and he has told me that she “had better” be invited to the wedding or he will not be attending. Tazi, I never even considered asking Courtney to be in my wedding party, so I have no idea why she is so disappointed. I also have no plans on issuing Courtney a separate or inclusive invitation to my wedding, but was going to address my father’s invitation with “and Guest” out of courtesy to him. When I informed him of this plan, Dad did not take it too well, accusing me of offering Courtney an “unvitation”.

The truth is, Tazi, I would prefer that Courtney not be present at my wedding at all. My father is still married by law, if not in spirit, and this will be a church wedding. The presence of his girlfriend by his side would be wholly inappropriate! I do not mind so much if she comes to the reception, because that will be held in a banquet facility that is not affiliated with the church.

My grandmother, who is paying for my wedding, is scandalized that my father would even consider bringing Courtney to the church and is outraged over the ultimatum; however a church is a public building and I would have to right to ask her to leave if he did bring her, so long as she was not being disruptive. A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be one of the most special days of her life, and I feel like mine is an impending disaster!

Signed,
August Bride

Dear August Bride:

You are right that a church is a sacred place, and for a married man to sit with his legal wife on one side and his girlfriend on the other would be quite scandalous, as well as disrespectful. Could the Pastor of the church have a word with your father about the Church’s view on this matter? Maybe hearing from a man/woman of the cloth will be enough for your father to see that you are not the only one who finds this arrangement to be disrespectful.

In reading between the lines of your letter, I get the distinct impression that you are displeased with the way your father has lived his life since his separation from your mother. You do not mention your age, just that your parents have been separated since you were “a very young child”. I will assume that you are around the age of 25, which is the average age of a bride in America today, meaning your parents have been separated for about 20 years. You say that he has had “one girlfriend after another” during this time, the longest relationship being two years. Yikes! That is a lot of women to parade in and out of a child’s life. I can see why you do not feel a sense of closeness to Courtney. This is the issue that I think you need to address.

You are an adult now, and you need to start acting like one. Rather than have your father act as a go-between for you and Courtney, I suggest you contact her yourself. Invite her out to coffee (people are less likely to make a scene in a public place) and tell her what your father has told you: that she is disappointed that she was not asked to be a member of your wedding party. If she truly is disappointed, this topic could be a springboard into why she feels disappointed. Considering your closeness in age it is possible that she is seeking a sisterly relationship with you. Is this something you could accept?

Once the ice is broken between the two of you, calmly and rationally explain to Courtney the awkward situation you are in: that you have no problem with her coming to the reception, but that your parents are still technically married; that the church is a sacred place (for several reasons); that your grandmother – who is paying for the wedding – is practically apoplectic over the idea of Courtney attending the ceremony and sitting by your father’s side.

You could then suggest the following, if Courtney does not offer a solution of her own that is to your liking: She could (A) Skip the ceremony and attend the reception or (B) Offer to attend the ceremony but sit separate from your father, in the seats reserved for the guests (as opposed to in the front pew with the parents and grandparents of the bride and groom). If Courtney has any class at all, she will put aside her hurt feelings and accept her role as a martyr to good taste. In my opinion, her acceptance of this role will raise her stock in the eyes of all involved.

If Courtney refuses to accept any of the options offered to her and cannot come up with a reasonable option of her own, you will have done all that you can and should inform your father that his presence at your wedding will be missed. I have yet to find a man who would miss his daughter’s wedding over such a petty issue – especially when you will have had jumped through hoops to resolve it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

This Blended Family Needs A Little Less "Stirring"

Dear Tazi:

I am a member of a "blended" family. I live with my mother, my step-father, and my step-sister. I adore my step-dad, and he really seems to like me, too. My step-sister and I get along great, and I call her my sister when my Mom isn't listening. Mom is the one problem with the blending of my family. For some reason, she dislikes "Cassie" and treats her like garbage, which results in Cassie not respecting Mom. My step-dad travels a lot for work, so he is not always around to see things, and we do not want him to know that "his girls" are having difficulties while he is away (my Mom never treats Cassie poorly when he is around!).

Cassie has told me she thinks of me as a sister, but that she can't stand my Mom. She has stopped short of calling my Mom names in front of me, but I have heard her use some nasty words with our friends. It makes me angry to hear someone call my Mom those names, but at the same time I can't defend my Mom because Cassie is right about the way my Mom treats her.

I have approached my Mom privately and asked her why she treats Cassie like she does, but she denied treating her "any differently" than she treats me. When I caught Mom talking down to Cassie for no reason, I pointed out the behavior, but then Mom just got angry with me and told me to mind my own business. Tazi, how my Mom treats Cassie IS my business! She is not only my step-sister, she is my friend. We are the same age (both 14) and in the same classes at school. I can see how my Mom's treatment is affecting Cassie, and it is not good. I want to tell my step-dad, but I really don't want to take sides against my Mom. What can I do, Tazi?

Signed,
Stuck In The Middle

Dear Stuck In The Middle:

You are a wonderful sister for wanting to keep harmony in your home, and a wonderful daughter for wanting to stand by your Mom; but all of this discord is leaving your life less than harmonious! What to do, what to do?

When your Mom married your step-dad, the two of them agreed not only to marry each other, but to take on the responsibility of parenting each other's children. If your step-father is traveling frequently, your mother could feel like he has simply dumped Cassie on her while he takes off to pursue a jet-setting lifestyle. Even though travelling for work is hardly ever pleasurable, to the people stuck at home with the day-to-day responsibilities of running the house and raising children it can appear quite glamorous. If this is the case, your mother might be taking this stress out on Cassie because she cannot - or will not - take it our on her true target: her husband.

It could be that your mother truly is not aware of how she treats Cassie, or it could be that she is insecure in her new marriage and Cassie is a reminder that her husband was once partnered with another woman. Either way, the air needs to be cleared in order for everyone to move forward. If Cassie has not done so already, she really needs to talk to her father - and her mother, if she is in the picture - about your mother's treatment of her, and her father needs to step-up to make certain that "his girls" really are doing alright while he is away.

If neither of you are comfortable approaching your parents about this issue, you could try talking to a trusted teacher, guidance counselor, or spiritual adviser. You mention that your mother's treatment of Cassie is noticeable at school; her teachers have most likely noticed the change in her attitude and/or behavior, as well. If Cassie cannot do this for herself, please step-up and do it for her. It will not be a betrayal of your mother; rather, it could be the saving grace that both she and Cassie need.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adult Daughter Jumps To Conclusions About Young Step-Mother

Dear Tazi:

I am in my mid-twenties. I own my own home and have a wonderful relationship with my life partner. I am financially independent of my parents and live within my means so as to live debt free. I made these choices after seeing how screwed up money can make people! My family is not Paris Hilton wealthy, but I would be a liar if I said I did not grow up among the upper class, country club set. I am not ashamed of where I come from, it’s just as I said; money makes life a lot more complicated – which is why I am writing to you. Money is once again complicating my life.

Last year, my father married his gold-digging girlfriend “Daisy”. She is half his age, and only a few years older than me. Dad refused to see her for the person she is, even though she had no problem with revealing her true colors to my sister and me. I won’t get into the details, but the woman is evil. She is also pregnant, even though Dad was adamant about not having more children.

I discovered Daisy’s condition when I stopped by after work to see my father. Daisy was in the parlor with one of her friends commenting on how a baby will “cement the relationship, especially if it is a boy”. Daisy saw me there, smiled an evil grin, and told me that she was going to give my father what my mother could not! Tazi, I felt sick to my stomach. My father has always told my sister and me that he loves us and never regretted having daughters. Daisy and I got into it, and some unpleasant things were said; including how she planned on “taking care of things” to make sure she only gave my father boys. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but now I might.

It has been two months since that conversation with Daisy, and she has not yet told my father she is expecting. I feel as though she is betraying him by telling her friends before telling him, but obviously I do not believe it is my news to break to him. However, I have a bad feeling that she is planning on having an abortion if she is carrying a girl, which would explain why she is keeping her pregnancy from my Dad. Do you think I should tell my Dad what’s going on?

Signed,
Gatsby Girl

Dear Gatsby Girl:

I admire your maturity and your efforts to earn your own way in the world, rather than depend upon your family’s income to support a lavish lifestyle. I also admire your loyalty to your father, and can understand your bitterness towards Daisy, especially if she is as bad as you describe. Please remember, though, that your father chose to marry her and you need to learn to respect his choice even if you cannot bring yourself to accept her.

Regarding your conversation with Daisy: Are you certain that she is pregnant? Remember, you walked in on a private conversation and only heard one part of it – how a baby “will” cement her relationship with your father, but not that is already has. When the two of you “got into it”, did Daisy actually say she was expecting? There are medical means that allow a couple to choose the sex of their baby; could this be what Daisy meant when she said she would “take care of things” to ensure a boy? I realize that you do not think highly of Daisy, but to assume she would abort a child because it is female is quite a stretch, notwithstanding things like cost and recovery (both physical and emotional). None of this would be easy to hide.

My advice to you is to sit down with your father and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. If Daisy feels that her marriage needs cementing it could be that all is not as your father expected. As his daughter, I believe that your father would appreciate you taking an interest in his life – period – so I suggest you start by asking him to coffee just to catch up on each other’s lives. If all goes well, make it a weekly thing – father-daughter time does not have to stop just because you are both adults; spending time together can help to adjust the dynamic between the two of you to a more equal footing. Once communication between the two of you has been reestablished you, you can consider bringing up what you overheard Daisy saying, so long as you do not use an accusatory tone. In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear (especially if you heard it through the grapevine!)..

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child's Safety Must Come Before Hurt Feelings

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue with my ex-husband and I am not certain how to deal with it. I liked the response you gave to the Mom whose ex-husband wanted to turn their daughters into toddlers with tiaras; and I am hoping you can give me some good advice, too.

"Edgar" (my ex) has suffered from what he calls phantom illness and the rest of the world calls hypochondria. I know that sounds harsh and judgmental, but he has been medically diagnosed with hypochondria - a diagnosis he refuses to accept. Edgar has claimed everything from depression (which only affected his ability to work, not to party, hang out with friends playing video games, or do anything else he enjoyed) to fibromyalgia (which again did not affect his ability to do things he enjoyed, including weightlifting). Essentially, if it is an illnesses that cannot be medically proved or disproved through definitive tests, Edgar has claimed to have it. After five years of this, I finally divorced him.

I am currently engaged to be married this June, and my son could not be more happy with my choice! He keeps asking me when he can start calling "Kyle" his step-dad, and is very excited that he will be have a big brother in Kyle's older son (who adores my son, as well). Seeing this family dynamic start to form has made me very happy, but Edgar very upset.

My ex-mother-in-law called me yesterday to tell me that Edgar seems truly depressed, and is talking about "ending it all" since he feels that he is "no longer needed". I have little to no contact with Edgar, except as it relates to our son, so I am unable to tell if Edgar is serious or exaggerating. I have said little to Edgar about my upcoming wedding, but I know that it is all my son talks about to whoever will listen, so I am pretty sure that Edgar is aware of our child's excitement, which I believe is what has triggered Edgar's veiled threats of suicide.

I once read a news story about a man who set fire to his house, killing both himself and his two precious sons. The visitation was supervised by a social worker, but the man locked her out once the children were inside the house. This tragedy has me on high alert for what I would normally just regard as Edgar being Edgar. I am petrified that Edgar will follow through on his threat to "end it all" and take my son with him when he does. Because of this, I have decided it best to suspend Edgar's visitation rights with our son (I have sole custody) until I feel that Edgar is well enough to handle himself emotionally. I informed him of this yesterday, while on the phone with his mother (he lives with her, and she picked up the other line when I asked her to simply put Edgar on the phone).

My decision has upset more than a few people, most especially Edgar and his mother; who feel my decision is what will put Edgar over the edge, leading him to make good on his threat. His mother actually told me that if her son kills himself it will be "[my] hands that his blood is upon". Dramatic, huh? Their reaction truly cemented my decision, and I plan on standing firm upon it.

Now that you know the background of my story, I am hoping that you can advise me on how to tell my son that he will not be seeing his father for a while. I do not wish to lie to my child; but I feel the truth will be a little to much for him to handle (he is only 7-years-old). Can you give me some words to work with, Tazi? I am afraid that anything I say will involve speaking poorly of Edgar, and I am trying to take the high road.

Signed,
"Poe" Me

Dear "Poe" Me:

I like your choice of signature! I am assuming this is why you chose to call your ex-husband "Edgar" in your letter! Paws up for your creativity! Now, onto your problem...

Edgar has been diagnosed with a form of mental illness - hypochondria - that responds well to treatment for most people but is something he refuses. The fact that he refuses to believe the diagnosis, coupled with the fact that his proclaimed illnesses are all impossible to test for with any scientific certainty (lab tests, X-rays, etc), makes me wonder if Edgar is simply a scam-artist and his latest claim - suicidal tendencies - is an attempt to manipulate you emotionally. I am happy to see that you are not falling for it; however, any threat of suicide is something that must be taken seriously.

I, too, remember all too well the tragedy of those two boys from Utah; and I can see why this news story would make any parent a nervous wreck. Therefore, my advice to you is two-fold. I believe your first step should be to report Edgar's threats of suicide to a proper authority. Your attorney should be notified as to the reason you are withholding visitation, especially if it has been court-ordered. The courts may then order Edgar committed for a psychiatric evaluation. Once one has made a threat of suicide, the state can step in and force an evaluation. This may sound cruel and over-reactionary, but it really is the best and safest way to ensure Edgar's well-being and, by extension, your son's. Do not allow visitation to continue until Edgar has been properly evaluated and is receiving treatment. Your attorney can assist you with this matter.

Your second step is to explain to your son why he cannot see his father. Explain to him that his father is sick, and that is making him act cranky and in a way that is not very nice. Tell your son that his father needs to get treated to make sure he can be the best Dad he can possibly be; and in order to do that he needs to spend some time by himself to make sure he doesn't take his bad mood out on your son. This should be enough information for your son to process, without overwhelming him with the details. I wish you all the best with this delicate situation; and many blessings in your new marriage!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Choice Between A Rock And A Hard Place Is A Difficult One To Make

Dear Tazi:

I am a college student, and I am paying my own way through school. My mother and step-father let me live at home without paying rent, but that is all they do for me. I have to buy my own food, and contribute to the cost of the monthly utilities in addition to paying my tuition - which I have to cover in full because I do not receive financial aid; my step-father refuses to submit his tax return, and since I am only 19 I am considered a dependant student. My Mom does not work, and is listed as a dependant on my step-father's taxes. My father passed away when I was six, so I have nowhere else to turn for a tax return to submit.

I work full-time and had to drop my school schedule down to part-time because I did not have the time or money to continue as a full-time student this semester. I want to major in Nursing, which is a full-time program and a full time job all rolled into one, so I am currently trying to save as much money as possible so I can take time away from work once I enter Nursing school. This has put me in a tough spot financially.

I do all I can to cut expenses. I buy all of my clothes at thrift shops, and what I can't get there I buy at discount stores. I do not drive my car, so I do not have to pay insurance, and as the weather has gotten colder I have bought extra blankets and sweaters so I do not have to turn the heat on in my part of the house. Because of all this frugality, I AM MISERABLE!!! Do you have any idea what it is like to have to buy your bras from the local factory seconds store? (Of course not, you're a cat, but you know what I mean!).

My elderly grandmother is quite wealthy, and is in need of home-care. She has offered to let me come live with her (for free; room, board, utilities, and use of an insured car included!) and give me a small weekly stipend if I agree to leave my job and make caring for her my full-time job, scheduling my classes for late-morning through mid-afternoon while she is at the senior center. This opportunity sounds like a dream come true! It will give me experience in the field of home health care; it will get me out from under my step-father's roof; and will give me back all that I have had to give up in order to complete my education. So what's the catch? My grandmother is a flaming racist, and my step-father is black. It is for this reason that my Mom is estranged from my grandmother; and she thinks that my grandmother is only offering me the job of caring for her to spite her and my step-father.

At this point, I am not sure if I would care if my grandmother was a Mexican drug lord so long as it got me out from my Mom and step-father's grip, but I am afraid that my situation will end up as my Mom is predicting: decide in haste, repent at leisure. She has told me that if I leave to live with my grandmother I will not be welcome back in our home. School let's out for the semester in early May, and I don't go back until the end of August, so I have the summer to make a decision if necessary (Grandma is not rushing me. She has told me to take my time to think about it). What would you do if you were in my situation, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Arkansas Cinderella

Dear Arkansas Cinderella:

I read through your letter twice, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and both times I noticed that you never refer to your mother and step-father as your "parents" - your mother is always "Mom" and your step-father is always "my step-father". You do not say for how long they have been married, but it sounds to me that there is absolutely no father-daughter bond between you and your mother's husband. With your mother financially dependent upon your step-father, I can see why she would side with him on all fronts.

Although their treatment of you sounds extreme, it is their house and their rules apply - although I would think they would be willing to cut you some slack in consideration of your academic schedule and career goals. Since they have not, you have every right to do what you feel you must in order to put yourself on the path to success. I realize that your grandmother is a "flaming racist", and although I cannot approve of her attitude, it is not my place to pass judgment upon her - that will be up to you in deciding whether or not to accept her offer.

Should you choose to accept your grandmother's offer to come live with her in return for home-care and other incentives, you must be prepared to hear what she has to say on the subject of your mother's marriage. Your grandmother may surprise you by having nothing at all to say on the subject. In reaching out to you, she could be making an attempt to reconcile with your mother - people tend to do such things when they are nearing the last of their years.

If, however, your grandmother chooses to spout hateful comments about your mother and her choice of husband you - as a compensated employee - will have to tolerate her comments (to a large extent) or resign your position as her home-care aide. Once you can honestly answer how you think you would react to such racist commentary about your Mom and step-father you will know whether or not you should accept your grandmother's offer. It sounds to me that you have to choose between a rock and a hard place. You have my sympathies.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat

Children Need To Learn Manners; Step-Mother Needs To Learn Tolerance

Dear Tazi:

I am a step-mother to two children, ages 7 and 8. Although I never planned on being a Mom to any child, let along someone else's, I am adjusting to my new role. My one big issue is the fact that my husband's children have the most atrocious manners I have ever seen.

"Billy" (the 8 year old) and "Lisa" (the seven year old) will eat with their fingers instead of utensils, burp loudly without covering their mouths, and wipe their mouths on their sleeves and their hands on their pants - even though they are instructed to use a napkin. After every meal I must vacuum the floor beneath the table because of all the food these two drop around them. Getting them to wash their hands and faces before bed is a major chore, and stopping them from digging through the trash for sweets is a lost cause. Whenever I enlist their father, they just whine that they don't have to do it at Mommy's house, and he caves because he doesn't want to be "the mean parent".

If I did not keep Billy and Lisa's bedrooms clean they would be uninhabitable. They are both sullen and rude, not only to me but to other adults as well. Quite honestly, I am more than a bit embarrassed to claim them as my step-children! I am at my wits' end and have reached the point where I dread visitation days and weekends because I know the headaches that are going to occur. Short of taking off for the spa every other weekend can you think of how I can make this situation more manageable?

Signed,
Not A Step-Monster, Just Particular

Dear Not A Step-Monster, Just Particular:

Are you sure you are not a step-monster? I am wondering that myself, considering your "embarrassment" over claiming your step-children as your kin and your reference to them as your "husband's children". How do you think this makes the children feel? If I were Billy or Lisa I would resent you, too, and would act up in every way possible in order to make you feel miserable.

Divorce is never easy on young children, and a parent's remarriage to someone who "never planned on being a Mom" is a difficult adjustment for them, too. To make matters even more difficult, a child does not have the emotional maturity needed to deal with the situation. You cannot expect a young child to be the adult in this situation; you must suck it up and accept the fact that you married a man with children, which makes you a parent whether you want to be one or not.

I suggest that you start to lay down some ground rules that the children are to follow. Enlist in the help of your husband in enforcing these rules, and tell him that he cannot allow his children to emotionally blackmail him. One of the first things children of divorce learn is how to manipulate their parents by pitting them against each other. He and his ex-wife need to work together to present a united front for the mental and emotional health of their children.

And that means setting an example!
Children learn from what they see!

One thing all children know is that the rules in one house can be different from the rules of a different house. The next time your step-children arrive for a visit, their father and you need to sit down with them and explain that there are rules at your house that must be obeyed - just like there are rules at school, and rules at friends' houses, even if there are no such rules at Mommy's house. Then, you let them know that in your house everyone eats with utensils, uses a napkin, and washes properly before and after meals. You tell them that everyone must clean up after themselves; that beds must be made and that clean clothes are put away while dirty clothes go in the laundry. Point out that you and their Dad must obey these rules, too, so it is not like they are only rules that children must obey. Explain to them that rules may seem unfair, but that they are there to make things fair for everybody. Following rules is part of being a good person and a good citizen!

Your husband may want to have a talk with his ex-wife, as detestable as he may find that; she needs to know that the children are shaming her with their poor manners and he needs to know if this is the sort of behavior she is allowing. If it is, you and your husband may need to look into taking physical custody of the children due to neglect. Digging through the trash for sweets? That's for the dogs!

I believe that you and your husband would both benefit from parenting classes. I suggest you see if your local community center offers them, and sign up for some ASAP. Once you learn how to parent you will see your stress levels recede.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Division Of Space Between New Step-Sisters Is A Tricky Problem To Solve

Dear Tazi:

I only just discovered your column so you will probably print this after the fact, but here is my problem anyway. My Mom is getting remarried New Year’s Eve (2012) and the man she is marrying has an 8-year-old daughter, “Cindy”. She’s a cute kid, and I have nothing against her, but I am 15-years-old so I really have nothing in common with her, either.

Because my mother owns her own house and “Bradley” rents, he will be moving in with us after the wedding. Again, I have no problem with this so long as he respects my privacy and doesn’t turn my life into a Lifetime TV movie! My problem is that Bradley has visitation with Cindy one day a week (a non-overnight visit) and two weekends a month for overnight stays. He and my Mom have decided that, since Cindy will not be with us full time, she does not need her own bedroom. They are keeping our third bedroom/office as an office and expect me to share my bedroom with Cindy!

Tazi, my mother told me that I will have to give up my double bed to make room for two twin beds, and that I will have to get all new furniture to match the furniture that they will be buying for Cindy. The kid is only going to be sleeping over four nights a month! I do not see why I have to split my bedroom full-time or get rid of my stuff to make room for her! They get to keep their “study” instead of turning it into a guest bedroom!

I know that sounds bratty, but I have tried to make a calm and reasonable argument with my mother but it didn’t work. Bradley went all father-figure on me and told me that this was his home now, too, and that meant it was his daughter’s home as well and that we were to make her feel welcome. Like I said, Tazi, Cindy is a cute kid, but she is A) a kid, and will probably want to decorate the room like a kid’s room and act like a little kid when she is in there and B) she is not going to be around all that much. My mother told me that if I could think of a reasonable solution to the problem we could take that route instead, but I don’t know what to suggest that does not involve me giving up my space. Can you think of a solution – quickly? Bradley wants to go furniture shopping ASAP.

Signed,

Soon-To-Be Stepsister

Dear Soon-To-Be Stepsister:

I get the distinct impression that you do not care for Bradley. While this may seem neither here nor there, it is an important factor in the dynamic you describe. You do not say how long your parents have been divorced, but I get the impression that for the last few years (at least) it has been just you and your Mom, and now there are new people entering your home and your private life. This can be a big adjustment on its own, but to add on the stress of losing 1/2 of your bedroom to a child 1/2 of your age who will only be there to occupy it 1/10^th of the month…this can present an overwhelming amount of stress.

Try not to blame your Mom, but to see things from her point of view. She has just become a stepmother and is trying to make her new stepdaughter (who is going through her own stresses right now) feel like a welcome part of the family. In her zeal to impress this welcome upon both Cindy and Bradley, you are the one getting unfairly pushed.

If your mother and stepfather are adamant about keeping their office space an office and not a hybrid office/guest room, the only other solution is to put Cindy in your room. Personally, I do not believe that an eight year old should be sharing a room with a fifteen year old. Unless the two are extremely close, this is a recipe for argument and disaster! I suggest that, rather than split the room down the middle – which I agree is an unfair division of space – or invest in a whole new room of furniture – which can be expensive – that your parents invest in a trundle bed for Cindy. A trundle bed stores neatly under the main bed and can be pulled out for use as necessary. Hopefully, you will be willing to create some space – say two drawers worth – in your dresser for Cindy to put her stuff, and perhaps even a little bit of closet space, as well. This plan will allow Cindy to feel welcome without infringing on your rights to personal space, too. Furthermore, it will cut down on the problem of not having something she needs because it’s a t Daddy’s house, because with the exception of a few essentials she will be packing up her stuff when she leaves each Sunday night.

I suggest you show your letter to your Mom, as well as the response I have given; then, open up a real conversation on the topic of your personal space – and what I think are your fears of coming in second to your new stepsister.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Beauty Pageants Are Not For Every Child (Or Every Parent!)

Dear Tazi:

I have absolutely HAD IT with my ex-husband! What ever it was I once saw in the man has disappeared from both view and memory, and the only reason I still have contact with him is because he is the father of my daughters, ages 5 and 3 (not that he does much fathering).

"Jordan" is a horrible failure in life because he refuses to commit to seeing a project through to its finish. He will start out with the best of intentions, but then things will get hard; inconvenient; or both and he he will simply give up because he is no longer enjoying himself. Of course there will always be reasons for why someone else is to blame for his failure - from his supervisor at work giving him too many hours and burning him out (which is why he quit his last job) to being too distracted to concentrate because it was basketball season and he had money riding on the game (his excuse for failing out of the vocational program that he INSISTED was going to turn his fortunes around). Do you need to here more? I have several, but each one ends the same way: with Jordan quitting mid-way through and being unable to pay his child support because he can barely support himself.

Thankfully, I do not NEED Jordan's child support money to get by - my current husband and I both make excellent incomes, and any money we receive from Jordan is banked for the children's futures. As of this writing, Jordan has not paid child support in almost two years. Because he is not paying support, I have the legal right to withhold the children from him, which is something I have not done because I feel it would only hurt my children to cut Jordan out of their lives completely. However, I am seriously considering taking that path after Jordan's latest shenanigans.

Jordan has been watching the TV reality series Toddlers and Tiaras, and has decided that he would like to travel the country as "manager" to our girls as they compete competitively in beauty pageants. His plan to cover the expenses is to have local businesses "sponsor" our daughters, charging more than the actual expenses and keeping the overage as his "manager's cut". He believes that the money the children could earn if they win would bring them fame and fortune and, as their manager, would put him on the path to financial solvency as he accepted new "clients" with each pageant win. I am absolutely, positively, 100% against such an idea! And besides that fact, neither of my girls is the pageant type - both are more into athletics than ruffles and lace - and I will not force them down this path. On his last visitation day, he tried to get both girls to "frill up" for photographs and head-shots, and both girls came home hysterical, crying to the point of exhaustion.

Jordan has threatened to take me to court and sue me for access to the girls in order to put his "business plan" into play, saying the judge will see that he is trying to do what is best for all involved, and that I am not only standing in his way but turning the girls into tomboys, as well. I doubt he would win, but I can't help but wonder, "What if??". My husband has suggested we counter-sue for the termination of Jordan's parental rights, which would allow my husband to legally adopt the girls. Both of my daughters love my husband, and consider him to be more of a father than Jordan...but still, I am hesitant to seek termination of parental rights. Jordan IS their birth father, after all. What do you think, Tazi?

Signed,
Wondering How Far To Push

Dear Wondering How far To Push:

I can tell from the tone of your letter that there is no love left between you and your ex-husband, so I find it admirable that you still care for his feelings and seek to nurture a bond between him and your daughters. My question is, are you certain that this is what is best for the children? If Jordan was physically abusing them, would you still try to maintain visitation with him? I am certain the answer to that question is "no", so why are you trying to maintain a relationship when it is obvious that Jordan is mentally abusing your girls?

For a child to come home crying "to the point of exhaustion" because she was forced to "frill up" for photographs makes me wonder what kind of photographs Jordan was taking! I am not accusing the man of sexually exploiting his daughters, but the red-flag is there...exploitative photos of children that fall just short of pornography are often used as a way to build a client base of buyers who want to see more, as well as acclimate the children to taking these kinds of pictures. If I were you, I would demand to see any photos that Jordan took of the girls while they were "frilled up". If he refuses or claims to have deleted them from his camera, I would see that as a further red flag, and end Jordan's access to the children immediately.

You asked for my advice, so I have given it. You did not ask for my personal opinion, but I feel compelled to give it anyway: If your daughters consider your husband to be their father, and your husband is willing to adopt them as his own, I suggest that you entertain the idea. Jordan does not sound like any kind of role model for your young children. A termination of parental rights does not mean you must terminate all contact and visitation - if you want, Jordan can still remain a part of your daughters' lives; but he will have no legal say in which to attempt his hairbrained - and possibly crimminal - schemes.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.