An Online Romance Is Still Cheating

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I just discovered that my boyfriend of two and a half years is cheating on me. The problem is, I only know that he is cheating on me because I broke into his email to confirm my suspicions that he was cheating on me.

"Brady" has been acting distant for several months now, and at first I thought it was just the stress of school. He has not been doing well, so I figured I would give him some space and some more time to study. Instead of studying, he started playing World of Warcraft, which is how he met the woman he has been seeing. So far, the romance appears to be online only, but I don't know if I want to stick around to see if it escalates.

If I break up with Brady, he is going to want me to give him a reason; he can be very insistant that way, wanting to know exactly why something is happening when things do not go the way he likes. For this reason, he has alienated a lot of people, including several of my close friends who are all telling me I should "jump ship". The problem is, I am still deeply in love with Brady, and I am afraid that if I leave I will regret my decision - after all, I have no real proof that he has physically cheated on me. Right? I am so confused, Tazi-Kat! I need an unbiased opinion on the matter. Care to give me one?

Signed,
Crazy In Love...Or Just Plain Crazy?

Dear Crazy (In Love?):

You say you have no "real proof" that Brady is physically cheating on you. Would a sexually transmitted infection be proof enough for you that he is cheating? Or would you allow him to convince you that you must have caught it from a dirty toilet seat, or from the steam room at the gym? From the tone of your letter, it sounds to me that you do not wish to be convinced that your boyfriend has been unfaithful to you.

Brady, by your own admission, has "alienated" several of your close friends. Do you wish to drive them away as well by staying with this man even though both your instincts and your investigation have told you that he has not been true to you? Since you ask for my unbiased opinion, I will give it: Leave. Leave now, and don't look back. If Brady insists on a reason, tell him the truth: that you feel you cannot trust him, and without trust a relationship cannot survive.

I realize that two and a half years is a significant amount of time to have invested in a relationship, but can you honestly see yourself spending another two and a half years with this man, knowing what you now know? Give yourself permission to feel angry, and you may be able to see the situation through clearer eyes. Once you have the twin monkeys of guilt and hurt feelings off of your back, you may discover that you don't miss Brady like you expected you would.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. Although you really should not have broken into your boyfriend's email account, that is another letter for another time!

War Of Words Over World Of Warcraft Creates Real Life Miseries

Dear Tazi:

I have an embarrassing problem that is too recognizable for my local advice column, so I am hoping you will print my letter online. I have been dating a woman you would call my "lady friend" for two years now, and everything is great with one exception: our sex life is practically non-existent.

My girlfriend’s 23-year-old daughter “Maxine” lives at home and almost never leaves the house; my girlfriend is not comfortable being intimate while her daughter is in the house (or having me sleep over or sleeping over my place) so it is difficult for us to have any time alone. I know that this problem would solve itself it the problems with Maxine were solved, so I hope you can suggest how to fix her.

At 5’5” and 300+ pounds Maxine is grossly overweight and I believe the reason for her weight problem is her addiction to junk food and to playing World of Warcraft, which she plays like it is her job. Maxine has tried to claim that it is her job to play WOW because she blogs about the game. Tazi, her blog is poorly written and posts sporadically; she makes no money from it and its readership is probably non-existent. Aside from her WOW activities, Maxine has no outside interests, not even a paying job. Her mother has encouraged her to get out and look for a job, but does not push beyond that. She continues to pay all of Maxine’s bills, including her WOW subscription, which is not cheap.
I was left alone with Maxine last week when I stopped by just as my girlfriend ran out to the store for a few items. I snapped on Maxine after she made a rude comment to me – while her mouth was full of junk food. I told her exactly what I thought of her behavior and that she was a disgusting excuse for a human being. Maxine walked off in a huff and, unbeknownst to me, proceeded to eat an entire apple pie that her mother had baked for the church bake sale.

When my girlfriend arrived home about 30 minutes later, she was devastated that her pie was gone and asked what had happened to it. I was disgusted when Maxine blamed me for its disappearance, saying I had upset her so much she sought “comfort food” to assuage her hurt feelings. Tazi, she was wolfing down an entire box of Twinkies when I walked in the door! What was her excuse for that? My girlfriend was not happy about being put in the middle, and we had a huge argument that boiled down to my telling her that our relationship would never advance (she’s hoping for a ring) as long as her daughter remained a “greedy, gluttonous, slothful lump of human flesh” that sponged off of others. I told my girlfriend to think about that and stormed out the door before she could respond; it’s been a week and I still have not heard from her. I miss my girlfriend and would like to make things work, but not as long as Maxine remains...well, to be blunt, a greedy, gluttonous, slothful lump of human flesh that sponges off of her mother.

Signed,
Stuck With A Package Deal?

Dear Stuck With A Package Deal?:

It does not appear that you are “stuck with a package deal”; not after you called a part of that package a “greedy, gluttonous, slothful lump of human flesh”. I cannot see why your girlfriend would want anything to do with you after you said such cruel things about – and directly to – her daughter.

I do not think anyone is going to fall for the “comfort food” excuse Maxine used to excuse herself from eating her mother’s bake sale pie, least of all her mother who lives with her and has seen her daughter’s eating habits. It appears that Maxine was lashing out at her mother in punishment for your comments. However, this is a different issue altogether. It is not up to you – or me – to “fix” Maxine; it is up to you to try to mend your relationship with both Maxine and her mother if you wish to continue with your romantic relationship. The first step in this process is to apologize for your hurtful words – to both Maxine and your girlfriend. Nobody, no matter how greedy, gluttonous, or slothful, deserves to be called a “lump of human flesh”. We are all fallible, and the list you started has four more vices that accompany it: pride, lust, envy, and wrath; you are guilty of at least one of them. You hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of your own eye, and then shall you see clearly to pull out the mote that is in your brother's eye. (Luke 6:42 KJV). See how I am learning to control my wrath? I quoted scripture instead of paw-slapping you!


However, my lady friend has not yet found inner peace through God
I would be remiss if I did not address Maxine’s behavior, and I do hope that her mother is reading this because Maxine clearly needs help. Video games – especially large scale, multi-player, online games like World of Warcraft are extremely habit forming. This particular game has torn apart marriages as one spouse has neglected the other to play the game; a Google search will reveal other horror stories such as loss of jobs due to this gaming addiction. At 23 years of age, it is beyond time for Maxine to shelve the full-time gaming and grow up; this means getting help for her addictions, learning to adopt and adapt to a healthy diet, and getting a job; higher education; or job training. Her mother needs to stop enabling her and give Maxine a reason to look for work and to get a life; suspension of her WOW account, Internet connection, and mobile phone service might be just the incentive Maxine needs.

Perfunctory snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.