Racism, Racial Phobia Not The Same Thing; One Is Curable

Dear Tazi:

I think I might be racist, but I am not sure. I feel incredibly uncomfortable around black people. I think this is because whenever I turn on the news and see that some violent crime has been committed, the criminal is a black person. I realize that people of other races commit crimes, too, but I feel like if I am going to be a victim of crime it will most likely be committed by a black person. Do these feelings make me racist?

Signed,
Racist?

Dear Racist:

It should bring you comfort to know that almost every serial killer in American history has been white. Ditto with every homegrown terrorist - including assassins and potential assassins - every guy that has ever shot up a school, mall, or movie theater.  Child molesters are more likely to be white men than men of any other race (or women in general), and studies have shown that rapists almost exclusively (over 75% of the time) rape women of their own race. A study by SUNY - Buffalo reports that 92% of white, working-class women have experienced serious domestic violence in the home, as opposed to only 62% of black working-class women (and no, black men are not breaking in and beating on white women!).  Do these statistics help to alleviate your misguided fear that black people are more prone to violence than any other racial group? In fact, it appears that white people have a lock on crazy!

I do not think your irrational fear of African-Americans makes you a racist, per se, since racism springs from feelings of hatred of other races, along with the belief that the white race is superior to all others. I do think that your phobia could morph into full-fledged racism if you do not seek counseling for it. Furthermore, I am concerned about your statement that the only crimes you see reported are committed by black people. Is this your experience? Are you watching a biased news station? Or are these the claims of a racist close to you that has you believing that the overwhelming majority of crimes are committed by black people? A professional counselor could help you dig into the roots of your fear and uproot them once and for all, allowing you to get to know people for who they are - regardless of skin color - and not what you have been taught to believe they are.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unlocked Bike Borrowed Without Permission Is Stolen; Who Is Responsible?

Dear Tazi:

My brother had a brand new bike that he bought with his own money. It cost a lot of money, and he was planning on using it to bike ride across the country this summer. He keeps it in an unlocked shed in our backyard, even though our parents keep telling him he needs to lock up the shed or the bike so it doesn't get stolen. He did neither.

I decided to teach him a lesson by borrowing the bike to go to the store. Since there was no lock on it and I was only going to go inside for a minute or two, the bike was unchained but in full view of the store windows. I must have looked away at the wrong moment because when I came back outside five minutes later my brother's bike was gone! Someone had stolen it!

I walked home from the store with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and when I got home I discovered that my brother had found his bike missing and called the cops to report it stolen. Now, technically the bike was stolen, just not from the shed in our backyard. Our parents have told my brother to "chalk the loss up to experience" and to learn to lock up his valuables. My brother's summer plans are toast, since he would have to spend the money he has saved for his trip on a new bike and then would have no money for the trip anyway.

I want to offer my brother some money towards a new bike, but even if I did it wouldn't be enough to cover both the cost of a new bike and the trip he wants to take so I haven't yet. If I tell my family that I took the bike from the shed and that it was stolen from the store I would be on the hook for the entire amount of a new bike, which I don't have, plus my brother would kill me and my parents would ground me for life. All I wanted to do was teach my brother a lesson, not ruin his whole summer. How can I make things right?

Signed,
No Wheels

Dear No Wheels:

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive! I can understand your motivation, but it was not your place to teach your brother a lesson; in doing so, you have both learned one. Your guilty conscience is not going to disappear all on its own; you will have to come clean about your part in the bike theft for several reasons, starting with the fact that it is the ethical thing to do and ending with the possibility that the store from where the bike was stolen has security cameras that recorded the bike being stolen. By keeping quiet you are are leading the police down the wrong path.

You do not say if your brother's bike was insured under your parent's homeowner's insurance policy, but it would be worth finding out if the loss is covered. Again, in order to make this inquiry you have to admit your part in the wrongdoing. There is no easy way out of what you have done, so suck it up, buttercup, and go directly to your parents with the truth. You will have to pay for a replacement bike for your brother. Summer is still several months away, and there is a lot of snow shoveling and/or yard-work that can be completed between now and then, as well as other odd jobs where you could earn the money to compensate your brother for his loss. You may have to ask your parents to loan you the money until you have earned enough to pay for the bike if you cannot earn enough on your own by summer.

As for your brother, he is not going to kill you; a murder charge would surely ruin his summer plans worse than a stolen bike ever could. He will be very angry with you, and that is his right; however, I believe he has learned the importance of locking his bike at all times. It appears that he has also learned that he cannot trust you. This will be a lesson that is hard to unlearn; you have a lot of making up to do for him. I suggest that you start now by coming clean!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Choosing To Move On Does Not Mean Forgiveness Is Not Sincere

Dear Tazi:

I had been dating my now ex-boyfriend "Greg" for not quite two years when he was arrested for drunk driving. The passenger in the car he hit was seriously injured and almost died, and Greg was criminally charged. I was completely disgusted with what he had done and had no desire to stay with a man who was probably going to end up in jail, so I broke up with him.

Greg assumed that I was breaking up with him out of an immediate sense of anger, and surprisingly respected my decision. I should have known it was too good to be true, because as his trial date approaches, he has been calling me and emailing me, asking if we could try again. He has told me that he recognizes that he was at fault in the accident, and that driving drunk was a foolish and irresponsible thing to do and that he is ready to accept whatever punishment the judge gives him. He is planning on pleading "no contest" to the charges, on the advice of his lawyer, who tells him that pleading guilty will look worse on a criminal record.

Tazi, I believe that by pleading "no contest" to avoid admitting guilt is not accepting responsibility for his actions, and I have told Greg this. When he asked me to wait for him, I flat out refused, telling him that we do not have a future together. I thought this was the end of things, when Greg's mother called me. Apparently, Greg has decided to plead guilty in order to prove to me that he truly accepts responsibility for his actions that night. She is angry with me and has accused me of leading Greg on, implying that we could have a future together if he is willing to plead guilty. This was not my intent.

I emailed Greg to tell him that regardless of his plea we do not have a future together and that he should not be making decisions based on how he thinks I will react. I am strongly against drunk driving on both legal and moral principles, and cannot see myself building a future with someone who has committed this heinous crime. My email did not go over very well, Tazi.

After what I hoped was the final word on the subject Greg's mother called me again and told me that Greg was pleading guilty and "hoping for as much jail time as possible" because he could not see himself living his life without me and that if he was locked up it would make the pain of losing me easier to bear. His mother is now demanding that I tell Greg that I will wait for him - even if it is a lie - so he does not throw away his entire future over our break-up.

Tazi, am I punishing Greg too harshly for his behavior, as his mother claims? Is my refusal to lower my personal standards tantamount to a refusal to forgive Greg his sins? Am I being a hypocrite, as his mother claims, or am I right in my decision to move on with my life and to search for someone who shares my morals?

Signed,
Confused Christian

Dear Confused Christian:

I think you need to take a giant step back from the situation and try to look at it through clearer eyes. Greg's mother is dumping her fears and frustrations on you in an emotionally abusive way. I cannot say I blame her for blaming you - she is upset, and it does appear that her son is dumping responsibility for his bad judgement onto you. This does not mean that his mother's actions are excusable, just explainable.

I suggest that you stand your ground on not getting back with Greg, and not appeasing his mother by lying to him and giving him false hopes that could come back to hurt you in the near future. I think that until Greg'd legal issues are settled one way or the other, you need to keep your distance from him. Greg would be smart to accept his attorney's counsel - that is why he is paying him - and not try to prove a point to you by pleading guilty and accepting a harsher sentence for his crime.

From what you have written, it appears that Greg wishes to plead guilty to prove to you that he is willing to accept full responsibility for his crimes (and make no bones about it, drunk driving is a crime); however, by doing so he may incur a harsher punishment at sentencing - and beyond. It is difficult enough for someone with a felony conviction to rebuild their lives post-incarceration; a plea of "guilty" over "no contest" can make this process even more difficult. In your desire to take the moral high road, do not blind yourself to these facts.

Are you judging Greg too harshly for his behavior? Perhaps. Has Greg apologized to those he has hurt? Has he asked for their forgiveness, and offered to do penance by them? If his actions speak as loud as his words, than yes you are being too harsh. I am not saying you must get back together with Greg, but you must be willing to accept his apology if you wish to call yourself "Christian". Your place is not to judge the sincerity of his remorse, but to work on overcoming the anger you feel towards him.

To answer your second question, I do not feel that a refusal to lower your standards is a refusal to forgive Greg's sins. You have the right to move on with your life and to search for someone new, but I suggest that you unload the emotional baggage you are carrying before you attempt a romantic relationship with someone new.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Hopes For a Future With Man With A Past

Dear Tazi:

I met a wonderful guy at a Labor Day party hosted by a friend. He is everything I have been looking for in a man, but there is a problem. "Matt" is a Level 1 registered sex offender. Several years ago, while still in his twenties, he had a sexual relationship with a fourteen year old girl. She got pregnant, and when Matt refused to pay for an abortion (it is against his moral beliefs) her parents pressed criminal charges against him. He was convicted, and spent a year in jail; with nine years suspended. He will be on parole until 2016.

Matt swears to me that the girl in question did not look fourteen, swore she was twenty, and that had he known the truth he would never have had sex with her. I believe him, because he seems like such a sincere guy and we did meet through a mutual friend whom I respect; but I am concerned because I have a young daughter (she is eleven). I have yet to introduce Matt to my daughter, or any of my family members. I also have not told anyone about Matt's past, because I feel that it his story to tell, not mine.

My friend tells me that Matt is a great guy, but that if she had a young daughter she would not be hanging out with him. My friend is divorced with no children, so she has no problem finding a date. She doesn't know how difficult it is for a single mother to find a good man. A part of me thinks my friend is jealous of my budding romance with Matt, but another part of me thinks she is trying to look out for me. I am so confused, Tazi!

Signed,
Looking For Love...In All The Wrong Places?

Dear Looking for Love...:

I am going to start by addressing your unwillingness to disclose Matt's past to anyone, because you feel it is "his story to tell". If you were to bring Matt to your home, I am certain that your neighbors with young children might not feel the same way about your silence. So long as Matt is on parole, he is required to meet certain guidelines, which may include staying away from children and the places that they gather. Before setting your sights on a future with this man, you need to investigate his past - and the conditions of his parole - much more thoroughly.

A Level 1 sex offender is at a very low risk of re-offending, and cases such as Matt's often fall under this classification. A Level 1 sex offender is not considered to be a predator; but as a parent your job is to put the safety of your daughter first. If I were you, I would hesitate to introduce Matt to her until you are certain that you know him as a person and that he is someone with whom you wish to build a future. This is good advice to any single parent who dates, but especially since you are dating someone who comes with a questionable past.

Matt may very well be a "wonderful guy" now, but there was a time that he was willing to have a purely sexual relationship with a person whose real age he did not know; and I am inclined to believe that he did not try very hard to find out anything more than what was beneath her clothes. A fourteen year old may "look" twenty, but as soon as they open their mouths their education and maturity levels will show. A conversation about where they went to school, who they grew up with, what kind of music they listened to and the like can reveal much about a person's true age.

From the timeline you provide, it appears that Matt is now in his thirties. I do not believe in punishing someone for a past that they have left behind them, so you have my blessing to give this relationship a chance - so long as you listen to your friend's advice. At this point in time, she knows this man better than you; until you know Matt on a deeper level - which takes time and patience - I would take the relationship slowly. If Matt is as wonderful as you say he is, he will understand and allow you to set the pace of the relationship.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Babysitter Who Sees More Than She Should Must Now Make A Difficult Choice

Dear Tazi:

I am sixteen years old and have a problem that I have never had to face before. I live in a good neighborhood. Most would call it upper-middle class, but we work hard for our money and do not live extravagantly (as my mother says) which is how we can afford our nice neighborhood.

There are two little girls who live across the street from me, "Kelly" and "Elaina". I babysit for Kelly, and can tell you first hand that her parents live beyond their means. I see late notices in their mail every month (they leave them out on the kitchen counter) and the phone is always ringing with bill collectors on the other end of the line. This is important to mention because it proves the lies that they are telling - lies that have put me in a problem spot.

Elaina's family is financially comfortable, from what I hear. They do not flaunt their wealth, but are very generous with others. Elaina's birthday is a month before Christmas, and her parents bought her a brand new pink two-wheeler. It is a very nice bike, and I oohed and ahhed over it when she showed it off to me. I also saw Kelly act very jealous towards Elaina's new bike and she said that she was going to get one just like it for Christmas.

Tazi, two weeks before Christmas I was stuck inside with the flu and I happened to be looking out the window when I saw Kelly go into Elaina's garage and come out with the new bicycle. I thought she was just borrowing it and didn't make a big deal out if it until the next day when a police officer came to my door to ask if I had seen anything suspicious. The bike had been reported stolen! I didn't know what to say, so I just said that I had been inside sick with the flu for the past week.

The next day, Kelly was flaunting "her" new bike, saying her Nana from out-of-state had sent it to her as an early Christmas gift.  When I mentioned how generous a gift the bike was to Kelly's mother, she shrugged and quickly changed the subject. Tazi, I cannot believe that Kelly's parents would be so low as to allow their child to steal another kid's bike and pretend that it was a gift! I would love to go to the police and tell them what I saw, but then I would be out of a babysitting job, which I really need. On the other hand, I am not comfortable babysitting for people who would allow their child to steal.

As of now, I have not done anything. Elaina has not seen Kelly with "her" new bike, so I don't think she knows what has happened. Obviously, this will not stay secret forever and when Kelly is seen with Elaina's bike things are going to get ugly. Should I just leave well enough alone and hope the problem solves itself? Or should I report what I saw to the police?

Signed,
Bicycle Blues

Dear Bicycle Blues:

I understand that you need your babysitting job, but how long do you think it will be before these people try to cheat you? They have already proven themselves capable of stealing from a child. Do you still trust them to do right by you? If you are not careful, your bill for services rendered may be the next "past due" notice they receive when they run out of money to pay you.

If I were you, I would contact the police and tell them what you saw. You may be allowed to remain anonymous, especially if the people involved crumple when confronted with their crime. if, however, they choose to stand by their story an investigation will take place - there will be a paper trail of the gift charges and delivery - and your story may be needed to bolster the truth.

As difficult as it can be to stand up for what is right, in the end it will help you. If you try to hide the crimes of others, you may develop a reputation of being untrustworthy, whereas if you come clean you reputation will shine, which could lead to new and better babysitting opportunities.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes, The Past Must Remain There

Dear Tazi:

Ten years ago our beautiful daughter "Denise"was murdered.  Her case remains unsolved.  Our daughter was raised in a good Christian home, and she was given all the advantages she needed to get ahead in the world, but when she turned 18 she also turned her back on all of that and started hanging out with the wrong crowd.

At first the police believed Denise's death was drug related, but her autopsy showed no evidence of drug use; there were no further leads, few suspects, and the case went cold fast.  She became just another black youth who fell victim to the streets.  My husband and I were understandably inconsolable - and furious: at the world; at ourselves for somehow failing her; at the police for not finding evidence as to who killed Denise.

At first, all suspected her boyfriend - a seedy, older man who smoked and drank and was rumored to be violent, but he swears he was "on a three day bender" when Denise was killed.  He had no one to witness his alibi, and was the prime suspect but there was no evidence against him.  He has since cleaned up his act, found God, and works as a volunteer for the Church.  He feels guilty that he was unable to save Denise, and we have accepted his pleas for our forgiveness.  We realize that he did nothing wrong.

As you can see, we have all tried moving forward with our lives.  The pain of losing our daughter will never cease for my husband and I, but it does change.  Like an old wound, scars remain and some days the pain is more noticeable than others, but it is nothing like the raw wound it was when we first lost our daughter.

Now that ten years have passed, her high school class is having a reunion and would like us to attend to witness a short memorial to Denise (she was very popular in high school).  My husband and I would like to politely refuse.  We would also like to ask that the planners refrain from having a memorial.  The time for that was ten years ago.  We are happy that people remember her for the wonderful young woman Denise was, and we would like that memory to remain.  We fear a memorial will simply bring up the details of our daughter's killing - they are gruesome - and replace the memories that people have of her.  We do not want the old wounds torn open.

I have written to several advice columnists on this issue, Tazi, but none have responded.  Could you please respond?  The reunion - and memorial - quickly approaches!

Sincerely,
Grieving Parents

Dear Grieving Parents:

You have my utmost sympathies on the loss of your daughter; your pain and grief are unimaginable, so it is completely understandable that you do not wish to attend an even that would tear open your wounds.  I am hoping that I have printed your letter in time for you to show it to the planners of the reunion and memorial.  I realize how much fortitude it must have taken to write your letter; speaking such sentiments may prove to be too much.

I suggest that you enclose a copy of your letter in with a note to the planners of your daughter's reunion, asking them to understand your feelings on the issue.  Sometimes, people do not consider the harm that they may be doing when they try to attempt something good.  Although you cannot prevent Denise's former classmates from holding a small memorial if that is their wish, you do not have to attend it.  It is my hope that they will honor your wishes, and instead place a small table off to the side, with the pictures of all from the class who have passed - including your daughter - with a small "We Remember..." sign.

Extra Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Beauty Pageants Are Not For Every Child (Or Every Parent!)

Dear Tazi:

I have absolutely HAD IT with my ex-husband! What ever it was I once saw in the man has disappeared from both view and memory, and the only reason I still have contact with him is because he is the father of my daughters, ages 5 and 3 (not that he does much fathering).

"Jordan" is a horrible failure in life because he refuses to commit to seeing a project through to its finish. He will start out with the best of intentions, but then things will get hard; inconvenient; or both and he he will simply give up because he is no longer enjoying himself. Of course there will always be reasons for why someone else is to blame for his failure - from his supervisor at work giving him too many hours and burning him out (which is why he quit his last job) to being too distracted to concentrate because it was basketball season and he had money riding on the game (his excuse for failing out of the vocational program that he INSISTED was going to turn his fortunes around). Do you need to here more? I have several, but each one ends the same way: with Jordan quitting mid-way through and being unable to pay his child support because he can barely support himself.

Thankfully, I do not NEED Jordan's child support money to get by - my current husband and I both make excellent incomes, and any money we receive from Jordan is banked for the children's futures. As of this writing, Jordan has not paid child support in almost two years. Because he is not paying support, I have the legal right to withhold the children from him, which is something I have not done because I feel it would only hurt my children to cut Jordan out of their lives completely. However, I am seriously considering taking that path after Jordan's latest shenanigans.

Jordan has been watching the TV reality series Toddlers and Tiaras, and has decided that he would like to travel the country as "manager" to our girls as they compete competitively in beauty pageants. His plan to cover the expenses is to have local businesses "sponsor" our daughters, charging more than the actual expenses and keeping the overage as his "manager's cut". He believes that the money the children could earn if they win would bring them fame and fortune and, as their manager, would put him on the path to financial solvency as he accepted new "clients" with each pageant win. I am absolutely, positively, 100% against such an idea! And besides that fact, neither of my girls is the pageant type - both are more into athletics than ruffles and lace - and I will not force them down this path. On his last visitation day, he tried to get both girls to "frill up" for photographs and head-shots, and both girls came home hysterical, crying to the point of exhaustion.

Jordan has threatened to take me to court and sue me for access to the girls in order to put his "business plan" into play, saying the judge will see that he is trying to do what is best for all involved, and that I am not only standing in his way but turning the girls into tomboys, as well. I doubt he would win, but I can't help but wonder, "What if??". My husband has suggested we counter-sue for the termination of Jordan's parental rights, which would allow my husband to legally adopt the girls. Both of my daughters love my husband, and consider him to be more of a father than Jordan...but still, I am hesitant to seek termination of parental rights. Jordan IS their birth father, after all. What do you think, Tazi?

Signed,
Wondering How Far To Push

Dear Wondering How far To Push:

I can tell from the tone of your letter that there is no love left between you and your ex-husband, so I find it admirable that you still care for his feelings and seek to nurture a bond between him and your daughters. My question is, are you certain that this is what is best for the children? If Jordan was physically abusing them, would you still try to maintain visitation with him? I am certain the answer to that question is "no", so why are you trying to maintain a relationship when it is obvious that Jordan is mentally abusing your girls?

For a child to come home crying "to the point of exhaustion" because she was forced to "frill up" for photographs makes me wonder what kind of photographs Jordan was taking! I am not accusing the man of sexually exploiting his daughters, but the red-flag is there...exploitative photos of children that fall just short of pornography are often used as a way to build a client base of buyers who want to see more, as well as acclimate the children to taking these kinds of pictures. If I were you, I would demand to see any photos that Jordan took of the girls while they were "frilled up". If he refuses or claims to have deleted them from his camera, I would see that as a further red flag, and end Jordan's access to the children immediately.

You asked for my advice, so I have given it. You did not ask for my personal opinion, but I feel compelled to give it anyway: If your daughters consider your husband to be their father, and your husband is willing to adopt them as his own, I suggest that you entertain the idea. Jordan does not sound like any kind of role model for your young children. A termination of parental rights does not mean you must terminate all contact and visitation - if you want, Jordan can still remain a part of your daughters' lives; but he will have no legal say in which to attempt his hairbrained - and possibly crimminal - schemes.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.