Elderly Father Now Reaps What He Sowed...So Why Does Daughter Feel Guilty?

Dear Tazi:

My father is a mean, miserable, crotchety old man who never cared a lick for anyone but himself. When times got tough he divorced my mother and married his secretary – but not before secretly transferring his business to her (for a dollar, to make it legally binding) and hiding all of his other assets. He was living the high life with his new wife, while Mom struggled to raise me and my brothers.  I was working full-time by the age of 16, just to help make ends meet, while my father was driving around in a new sports car – a “gift” from his wife, who held all of their accounts so he could pay as little as possible in child support in order to keep up with his preferred lifestyle.

Shortly before my youngest brother’s 18^th birthday my father’s wife left him, and he was left to rebuild his life with only half of the financial assets. My mother told me not to be so gleeful about his misery, that it was not Christian, and that I needed to learn to forgive; that my father’s leaving had helped to make me the hard working success I was becoming. For my Mom’s sake I have tried to forgive my father, and I thought I had until now.

My father lives two hours away from me and took a massive heart attack last week. He lived through it, but once he is discharged from the hospital he will have to go to a nursing home for rehabilitation, since he lives alone and there will be nobody nearby to help with his care. He will only be allowed a short stay in rehab and then he will be sent back home. My father has called me and told me that I will have to come and care for him; that it is my “duty” as his only daughter.

I have told my father that I already have a full-time job and that I will not be commuting to his house twice a day, before and after work, and on weekends to take care for him. He then suggested that I take a leave of absence from work; I wanted to suggest that he go to Hell, but I remembered my Mom’s words about remaining Christian and instead told him to hire a visiting nurse, that I am sure his health insurance will pay for it.

Tazi, I know that I am doing the right thing by doing what is best for me and that my father is now reaping the seeds he sowed all those years ago…so why do I feel guilty that I am not putting myself out to help the man? Could I be doing more for him? He is my father, even if he is a real stinker of one. More importantly, should I be doing more to help him? He has not asked anything of my brothers, and they in turn would refuse him if he did; my youngest brother hasn’t seen our father since he was 8 years old.  On the one hand, I feel like I am his only hope; on the other hand, I feel like he doesn’t deserve to have hope.

Signed,

??????

Dear ??????:

Not knowing you I cannot tell you why you feel guilty about not helping your father. I can only speculate that you have been raised to forgive, forget, and move on from the hurt. You need to remember that forgiving does not mean painting a target on your back for people to dump all over you once again.

Forgiveness is not for the other person – it is for you. Forgiveness allows you to free your soul from the anger that weighs it down when it is overloaded with the pain of being hurt. While you may want to forgive your father for his physical and financial abandonment of you as a child, you don’t have to thank him for it. You became the successful woman you are today through your own hard work; the only part his abandonment played was to create the need for the determination to succeed.

You may also be feeling a desire to reconcile old hurts before you can fully put them behind you. Your father’s demand that you serve him in his time of need is a reflection of his selfishness (and sexism, since he is only making these demands of you because you are female) and this is a personality facet that he will have to reconcile on his own. If you feel the desire to be there for your father, you should do so on your own terms, not on the terms he dictates to you. If you have the time to spare a weekend or two to go and see him, I suggest you make the effort. Seeing this once proud man reduced to frailty may help you to sort out your emotions towards him and see him for what he is – a fallible human being who has reaped the miseries he once sowed upon others. Although I doubt a loving relationship will ever be rekindled between the two of you, you will at least know that you have done all you can to help, which may ease your conscience when you give his outrageous requests a firm “no”.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reasons For Adopting Always Personal, Often Private

Dear Tazi:

Several years ago I had an abortion. I didn’t tell anyone because I felt it was nobody’s business but my own, and I still feel that way. The child I was carrying was shown to have no brain – just a brain stem to regulate its heartbeat and breathing, and I knew he would die shortly after being born. Maybe this was the coward’s way out, but I do not regret my decision. My parents had sent me away from they found out I was pregnant, and told people that I was spending the semester on student exchange. I told my parents I had a miscarriage and came home.

I am now happily married and my husband and I have made the decision not to have children because of certain genetic diseases on his side of the family. After what I went through the one time I was pregnant, I have no desire to try for another pregnancy. My husband and I have gone to counseling (as a precaution) but we are both quite firm in our decision not to have natural born children. We have decided instead to adopt.

When we announced our decision to our parents, his handled things quite well; mine erupted, saying that they should not be punished because I married a “defective” man and that an adopted child is not a “true” grandchild. They are pushing me to consider IVF with a sperm donor to “carry on the family bloodline”. They cannot understand why I am being “so selfish” and have told me that I will “rue the day” that I made “such a poor decision”.

Tazi, my husband thinks I should tell my parents about my past pregnancy, so they can see that he is not the only “defective” one. I realize that he is hurt by their judgment – I am, too – but I do not see how. They can't handle problems that they think would somehow stain the family name. When my brother spent time in rehab for alcohol and drug abuse they told people he was on an extended business trip to Europe. When my father got fired from his job he told people he was taking a sabbatical to write a book (my father is not a writer). They lie about every misfortune and turn it into something grandiose. I am afraid that they will make up some cockamamie story about the child my husband and I adopt.

So there you have it; my problem is two-fold: Do I tell my parents the entire story about why my husband and I are choosing not to bear children? And how do I deal with their reaction to our adoption plans?

Signed,

Adoptive Mama To Be

Dear Adoptive Mama To Be:

How sad for you that your parents are so insecure that they feel the need to lie about life’s misfortunes, and how terrible for you that you had to bear the burden of loss alone. You seem somewhat defensive of your decision, and although I cannot blame you (it is a touchy, tender subject) your decision was a personal one and does not need to be justified to anyone but you and your conscience. If you had chosen to give birth, it sounds like your parents would have turned your child’s inevitable death into a three-ring circus of denial and lies. I can see why you chose to keep it a secret.

While I understand your parents’ need to mourn the fact that they will not have “natural” grandchildren I find their behavior odious. To suggest that you conceive through a sperm donor is so far beyond the pale that there are no words to describe how truly awful a suggestion it was. Calling your husband “defective” was equally wrong, but lashing out in anger is not the right response.

While your husband certainly – and deservedly – would like to take your parents egos down a few pegs, his first responsibility is to you, his wife. Throwing you under the bus in order to salvage his family honor is not the answer. I suggest you present a united front to your parents and tell them that the genetics of both sides of the family have you concerned. If your parents push for an answer, be flippant and tell then you are afraid that their egocentricities might be caused by faulty genes. This should shut them up.

Once you have adopted your new child, invite your parents over to meet him or her. Do not allow them to treat your child differently than any other grandchild and eventually they will get the message that your child is every bit as much a family member as your blood relatives. If, as your child gets older, you discover your parents treating him or her in a way you don’t approve you can deal with the situation as any parent would – by correcting them or by limiting their interaction with your child. Hopefully, this is one bridge you will not have to cross.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Babysitter Who Sees More Than She Should Must Now Make A Difficult Choice

Dear Tazi:

I am sixteen years old and have a problem that I have never had to face before. I live in a good neighborhood. Most would call it upper-middle class, but we work hard for our money and do not live extravagantly (as my mother says) which is how we can afford our nice neighborhood.

There are two little girls who live across the street from me, "Kelly" and "Elaina". I babysit for Kelly, and can tell you first hand that her parents live beyond their means. I see late notices in their mail every month (they leave them out on the kitchen counter) and the phone is always ringing with bill collectors on the other end of the line. This is important to mention because it proves the lies that they are telling - lies that have put me in a problem spot.

Elaina's family is financially comfortable, from what I hear. They do not flaunt their wealth, but are very generous with others. Elaina's birthday is a month before Christmas, and her parents bought her a brand new pink two-wheeler. It is a very nice bike, and I oohed and ahhed over it when she showed it off to me. I also saw Kelly act very jealous towards Elaina's new bike and she said that she was going to get one just like it for Christmas.

Tazi, two weeks before Christmas I was stuck inside with the flu and I happened to be looking out the window when I saw Kelly go into Elaina's garage and come out with the new bicycle. I thought she was just borrowing it and didn't make a big deal out if it until the next day when a police officer came to my door to ask if I had seen anything suspicious. The bike had been reported stolen! I didn't know what to say, so I just said that I had been inside sick with the flu for the past week.

The next day, Kelly was flaunting "her" new bike, saying her Nana from out-of-state had sent it to her as an early Christmas gift.  When I mentioned how generous a gift the bike was to Kelly's mother, she shrugged and quickly changed the subject. Tazi, I cannot believe that Kelly's parents would be so low as to allow their child to steal another kid's bike and pretend that it was a gift! I would love to go to the police and tell them what I saw, but then I would be out of a babysitting job, which I really need. On the other hand, I am not comfortable babysitting for people who would allow their child to steal.

As of now, I have not done anything. Elaina has not seen Kelly with "her" new bike, so I don't think she knows what has happened. Obviously, this will not stay secret forever and when Kelly is seen with Elaina's bike things are going to get ugly. Should I just leave well enough alone and hope the problem solves itself? Or should I report what I saw to the police?

Signed,
Bicycle Blues

Dear Bicycle Blues:

I understand that you need your babysitting job, but how long do you think it will be before these people try to cheat you? They have already proven themselves capable of stealing from a child. Do you still trust them to do right by you? If you are not careful, your bill for services rendered may be the next "past due" notice they receive when they run out of money to pay you.

If I were you, I would contact the police and tell them what you saw. You may be allowed to remain anonymous, especially if the people involved crumple when confronted with their crime. if, however, they choose to stand by their story an investigation will take place - there will be a paper trail of the gift charges and delivery - and your story may be needed to bolster the truth.

As difficult as it can be to stand up for what is right, in the end it will help you. If you try to hide the crimes of others, you may develop a reputation of being untrustworthy, whereas if you come clean you reputation will shine, which could lead to new and better babysitting opportunities.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

College Education Could Be The Beginning Of A New Life For Young Student

Dear Tazi:

I come from a very small town in a part of the country where people still marry their high school sweethearts and buy the house they grew up in from their parents when Mom and Dad are ready to move to Florida. Don't get me wrong, I love my small town - and the people in it, especially my boyfriend "Randy" - but I have always yearned for more! My favorite movie of all time is Sweet Home Alabama, and I often imagine myself in the role of Melanie Carmichael [the Reese Witherspoon character] - until she decides to leave New York behind and settle back down in her hometown.

My family has lived in our town for seven generations now - nobody has ever left, not even to go to college. My teachers have always told me that i am very bright and that I could be somebody if I furthered my education past high school, but my parents always said there is no way they could afford to pay for me to go to college. Late last year, I secretly sent out applications for colleges and I just got the news that my first choice wants me! They have even offered me a full academic scholarship, so I would not have to worry about how to pay for it! When I told my parents the news, Mama cried tears of joy; and Daddy told me he was proud of me, which from him is high praise, indeed! The local newspaper did a write-up about me, and put the story on the front page; and the local diner where I work cut the story out and posted it on the wall for everyone to see. Everyone is so happy for me, I feel like a local hero! The only person who is unhappy is my boyfriend, Randy, who is against me traveling away for school.

Randy and I have been seeing each other since I was 14, and he is the only boy I have ever dated. Randy told me that was hoping that we would get married after he graduates high school (he is a year behind me, because he stayed back a year when he was little) and that my leaving for school would change everything. He is convinced that I will forget all about him and meet someone new while I am away. He suggested that we get married at the end of the school year, and he can come away with me; but I am not certain that is something I want. For one thing, I want Randy to finish high school. For another thing, I am afraid that if I get married I will not be able to handle the responsibilities of college and being a wife. Plus, if I were to get married I couldn't use birth control and I know there would be no way i could handle college and babies. Last of all, I have always hoped that I would grow up to move to a big city, like Atlanta; but Randy has no desire to leave our hometown for good.

What should I do kitty-cat? I don't want to break up with Randy, but I do want to go away to college and start a new life! Do you think it's possible to have it all?

Signed,
Miss Independence

Dear Miss Independence:

You may feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now; so I want you to think back to four years ago, right before you started dating Randy. Do you remember what you were like? What was your favorite way to spend your free time? What were your favorite TV shows and books? How much have you changed over these four years? I doubt that you are still the young girl you were when you and Randy started dating. Think for a minute about the dreams you held back then...have you accomplished them?

Now, think about the dreams you hold for your future. What do you hope to accomplish in your four years of college? Do you hope to pledge a sorority? Write a book? Design your own line of clothing? Cheer for a Division 1 cheer-leading squad? Graduate with distinction? Now, for the most important question of all: Do the dreams you have follow the same path as Randy's dreams? Or can you see the two of you growing apart as you both continue to grow up?

The "you" that Randy fell in love with may not be the same woman who returns home from college. Randy is fully aware of this fact, and would like to prevent any such change from occurring by keeping you at his side, be it in your hometown or away on a college campus. Would you be willing to sacrifice your dreams in order to see Randy's fulfilled? The tone of your letter tells me the answer to that question is no.

At this point in time, I would advise you not to make any rash decisions one way or the other. Enjoy the time that you and Randy have together and enjoy your senior year of high school! When the time comes for you to prepare to leave for school, ask Randy to give you one year away at school without any pressure to come back home. One thing you will experience once you get to college is culture shock. You will be surrounded by countless new people from countless different backgrounds. You may take to college and the city like a duck takes to water or you may find that there is a big difference between what we dream and the reality that those dreams can bring.

During this time away at school, you will be able to sort out your feelings for Randy, your hometown, and what exactly you would like your future to include; while Randy will be able to decide what is best for his future. You may both discover some hard truths about life, including the fact that we can't always have everything exactly as we want it. Whatever you discover, I think time and experience will tell you the zip code of where your heart truly resides.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.