The Time To Confront Shoplifting Daughter Is Before She Is Caught

Dear Tazi:

I think my teenage daughter might be shoplifting. Her father and I are divorced, and not on good terms. He is constantly late on his child support, and when he does pay it is never the full amount owed. Other than this he is a good father, which is why I allow him to continue with regular visitation with our daughter.

I mention all of this because lately "Tandy" has been coming home with a lot of small but pricey purchases, like OPI nail polish, L'Oreal lipsticks, and other items that can easily be palmed and hidden in a purse or pocket. Tandy does not receive a regular allowance because she refuses to do her chores, so she does not have spending money for these types of items. Last night she came home with a new DKNY sweater that I know she does not have the money to purchase! When I asked Tandy where she was getting the money to buy all of the things she has been getting, she responded that her father gives her the money to buy them. Can you see why I smell something fishy?

I tried to call my ex-husband to confirm Tandy's story, but he is behind on his child support (as usual) so he was not picking up my calls (as usual). I would like to confront my daughter about her story that her father is buying her stuff because in my heart I believe it to be untrue, but if she is not lying - and he really is buying her all of this expensive stuff - I would like to take him back to court and have his wages garnished to ensure that the money he gives for Tandy will go to pay for her needs - like food, the extra rent on a two-bedroom apartment, school supplies, and warm winter clothing - not the luxuries that she would rather have with the child support money.

I would hate to accuse my daughter of lying - or worse, shoplifting - but I need to get to the truth one way or another. Do you have any suggestions for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Struggling Mom

Dear Struggling Mom:

I can see that you are between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand is the possibility that your daughter is applying the famous five-finger discount to her purchases; on the other hand is the possibility that your ex-husband is trying to buy your daughter's love by letting her use the child support money on frivolities and luxuries. DKNY sweaters range in price from $75 to several hundred dollars - enough to buy an entire wardrobe of warm winter clothing instead of just one piece.

I suggest that you start your search for the truth by calling or emailing your ex-husband, giving him a detailed message of what has been going on, and what you plan to do if he does not give you a truthful response. Be sure to mention the cost of the items Tandy has been bringing home, just in case he tries to cover for the girl. If he does not respond within a few days, you might want to put in a call to the attorney who currently handles your child support issues.  S/he in turn can contact your ex-husband's legal representative, who will be able to explain the seriousness of the situation.

If your ex-husband is in fact purchasing Tandy the expensive goods she has been bringing home, it is time for him to stop, at least until he is current on his child support. You should allow your attorney to handle things from there; s/he will be able to subpoena financial records such as credit/debit card purchases showing the exact amount he has to spend on luxuries for Tandy, but not on child support!

You may, however, have to fact the fact that your ex-husband is not purchasing these presents for Tandy and that she is in fact stealing them or obtaining them through some other less than legit manner. As difficult as it will be, if this is what appears to be the case you must confront your daughter as soon as possible, before she gets caught and confronted by the police. Retailers usually take a hard-line with shoplifters, especially in a difficult economy. A difficult conversation with your daughter could save her legal difficulties down the road.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Wedding Is Not A Fundraiser, Don't Treat It Like It Is

Dear Tazi:

I am planning my wedding and am having some trouble with the guest list. I am a young bride, and my husband to be and I have not had the time to put aside much money for our future. We figure our wedding guests will help us get off to a good start in life by giving us a wedding shower and wedding gifts to help us set up house and tuck a little money aside. The problem is that many of my friends are in college. This means they will not have the money to give cash/gifts that are equal to or greater than the value of their plate charge.

The purpose of a wedding, as I said, is to help a young couple get their start in life, not to put them into debt so you can enjoy a good party. However, I am the first of my friends to get married and don't want it to seem like I am snubbing anybody by not inviting them, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.

I would like to send out two different wedding invitations - one with an invite to the ceremony, and a second with an invite to the reception, as well. The people who can afford to cover their costs and even give a little more will receive the second invite; those who would end up costing us would be invited to the wedding ceremony only. While my mother sees the practicality in my decision my future husband and his parents are "appalled" that I would even think such a thing. They have called me a "little gold-digger" and have questioned if I am the right woman for their son. Kitty, I am just trying to be practical here! I don't see my future in-laws kicking in with the cash to cover the cost of the reception!

Do you think my friends will be insulted and feel snubbed if I only invite them to the ceremony and not the reception? The ceremony is the most important part of a wedding anyway.

Signed,
Bride On A Budget

Dear Bride On A Budget:

You wouldn't consider charging a cover at the door of your reception, would you? Then don't exclude guests who you think cannot afford to line your pockets. A wedding reception is not a fundraiser, so please do not treat it like one. Your guest list should reflect your close and personal ties with your guests, not the size of their wallets.

When planning a wedding the first thing you should do is decide on a budget that you can afford - by saving, cutting back, working overtime, and if necessary borrowing and using cash gifts to pay down the debt. In short, you must plan within your budget and not budget with a plan to find a way to make others pay for your celebration.

If you cannot afford to have the wedding of your dreams while including all of your guests, than you must cut back on the wedding you are planning. One idea is to have a "coffee and..." with your receiving line after your ceremony followed by a small, intimate reception for immediate family only while hosting a large, backyard bash for all of your friends and family after you return from your honeymoon. Another idea is to postpone your wedding until you have the cash to pay for all of your guests meals without expecting some sort of quid quo pro in return. (The irony of this is that by the time you are done saving they may be through with school and making enough money to pay for the kind of gifts you are seeking). Whatever you choose to do, choose to be inclusive. Those you snub today are unlikely to forget the slight when the stakes are much higher than a chicken dinner.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

After Six Months, Mom Is Still Waiting On Wedding Portraits

Dear Tazi:

I am concerned because my son and daughter-in-law have been married for six months now and they have not yet ordered their wedding portraits. I was hoping to receive one as a Christmas gift, so when I did not get one I inquired as to when I might be receiving a copy of their wedding portrait. My son responded that they were still trying to decide on what pictures to order, how many of each, and what sizes.

The pictures are rather expensive, but my husband and I have offered several times to cover the cost as a wedding gift. I am starting to feel as though our gift is not appreciated and am considering saying something to my son, but my husband says to let it go that “the kids” both have very demanding jobs, student loans to pay, and are busy setting up house together (they did not live together before they were married).

I understand that my son and daughter-in-law lead busy lives, but one would think that ordering their wedding portraits would be a priority! My daughter-in-law has already sent me a thank you card, thanking us for the “generous gift of wedding portraits” – and it was most appreciated – but I would really appreciate seeing our gift delivered and displayed, along with an 8x10 or 5x7 for my own home. How much longer should I have to wait, Tazi?

Signed,

Impatient?

Dear Impatient?:

Although six months is a long time to wait for wedding photos, it is no longer an unheard of wait. Many couples order not only their formal portraits, but an entire wedding album, complete with behind-the-scenes photos of the day (the bride in her dressing room, candid shots of the groom and his groomsmen, etc.). These albums often contain upwards of 100 pictures, and it can take quite a bit of time for a bride and groom to settle on which photos they want to choose.

With regard to a wedding portrait of the bride and groom, most photographers now post the weddings they photographed to their websites. A serial number and a secure password will redirect you to a private page featuring all the photos of the day – from the formal portraits of the bride and groom and their wedding party to casual shots taken throughout the reception. Ordering information is also provided so loved ones and guests can order photos for themselves. You can nudge your son and daughter-in-law into ordering their portraits by viewing the photos yourself and offering your opinion on the ones you like best, and which one you would like to have for yourself. This suggestion may sound a bit too direct, but it appears that direct is the way to go in this matter.

The only other reason for the delay that I can think of is, if you have already given the portrait money to your son and daughter-in-law, it has been spent on other pressing financial matters – such as student loans, rent, or living room furniture. I do not condone the use of such funds, but if this is what has been done you will have to deal with things from there. If you think that this is the case, I suggest that you order your own copy of whatever portraits you desire, and explain to them that you were far too eager to display their portrait to wait for them to get around to ordering.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.