The Time To Confront Shoplifting Daughter Is Before She Is Caught

Dear Tazi:

I think my teenage daughter might be shoplifting. Her father and I are divorced, and not on good terms. He is constantly late on his child support, and when he does pay it is never the full amount owed. Other than this he is a good father, which is why I allow him to continue with regular visitation with our daughter.

I mention all of this because lately "Tandy" has been coming home with a lot of small but pricey purchases, like OPI nail polish, L'Oreal lipsticks, and other items that can easily be palmed and hidden in a purse or pocket. Tandy does not receive a regular allowance because she refuses to do her chores, so she does not have spending money for these types of items. Last night she came home with a new DKNY sweater that I know she does not have the money to purchase! When I asked Tandy where she was getting the money to buy all of the things she has been getting, she responded that her father gives her the money to buy them. Can you see why I smell something fishy?

I tried to call my ex-husband to confirm Tandy's story, but he is behind on his child support (as usual) so he was not picking up my calls (as usual). I would like to confront my daughter about her story that her father is buying her stuff because in my heart I believe it to be untrue, but if she is not lying - and he really is buying her all of this expensive stuff - I would like to take him back to court and have his wages garnished to ensure that the money he gives for Tandy will go to pay for her needs - like food, the extra rent on a two-bedroom apartment, school supplies, and warm winter clothing - not the luxuries that she would rather have with the child support money.

I would hate to accuse my daughter of lying - or worse, shoplifting - but I need to get to the truth one way or another. Do you have any suggestions for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Struggling Mom

Dear Struggling Mom:

I can see that you are between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand is the possibility that your daughter is applying the famous five-finger discount to her purchases; on the other hand is the possibility that your ex-husband is trying to buy your daughter's love by letting her use the child support money on frivolities and luxuries. DKNY sweaters range in price from $75 to several hundred dollars - enough to buy an entire wardrobe of warm winter clothing instead of just one piece.

I suggest that you start your search for the truth by calling or emailing your ex-husband, giving him a detailed message of what has been going on, and what you plan to do if he does not give you a truthful response. Be sure to mention the cost of the items Tandy has been bringing home, just in case he tries to cover for the girl. If he does not respond within a few days, you might want to put in a call to the attorney who currently handles your child support issues.  S/he in turn can contact your ex-husband's legal representative, who will be able to explain the seriousness of the situation.

If your ex-husband is in fact purchasing Tandy the expensive goods she has been bringing home, it is time for him to stop, at least until he is current on his child support. You should allow your attorney to handle things from there; s/he will be able to subpoena financial records such as credit/debit card purchases showing the exact amount he has to spend on luxuries for Tandy, but not on child support!

You may, however, have to fact the fact that your ex-husband is not purchasing these presents for Tandy and that she is in fact stealing them or obtaining them through some other less than legit manner. As difficult as it will be, if this is what appears to be the case you must confront your daughter as soon as possible, before she gets caught and confronted by the police. Retailers usually take a hard-line with shoplifters, especially in a difficult economy. A difficult conversation with your daughter could save her legal difficulties down the road.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Private Property Owner Steaming Over Bus Stop Behavior

Dear Tazi:

Due to a problem with bullying (I do not know all the details) a local school bus stop was divided into two, with my front curb being the location of the new bus stop.  I have no problem completing my civic duty and making allowances for a school bus to pick up and drop off children in front of my house - I have even repaved my portion of the sidewalk, filling in cracks just to keep the children safe - but I do have a problem with unruly children running across my lawn and through my driveway on the way to and from the bus stop.

I have a large front lawn with only a few trees, which apparently children find irresistible for use as a makeshift football field.  I have asked the children - on several occasions - not to play on my lawn, that I am afraid that they will get hurt.  Tazi, I do not wish to be held legally responsible for any injuries.  Technically, these children are trespassing, but how do you explain that to an eight year old?  You don't.

This past fall, as one child was "going long" he slipped and fell on some wet leaves in my yard.  Thank goodness he landed on the lawn, but his head landed only inches from my driveway!  After coming to the child's aid and making sure he was okay, I lectured him about playing football on my lawn and told him that I would be calling the school about this behavior.  The child laughed at me and suggested I do just that.  It was then that I realized that I did not know the child's name, and that the school bus would be arriving after I had to leave for work.  This is another concern of mine - children left unattended in my yard when I am not home.

If I could, I would put up a small white picket fence with a gate at the edge of my property line, but local zoning laws prohibit fencing so close to the curb; a fence set eight feet back would look ridiculous, and would still allow a good portion of room for these children to play on my lawn, thus defeating the purpose of the fence and quite possibly adding a new hazard.

I do not know who these children are, so I cannot contact their parents about this issue.  I sincerely doubt that my city council will be able to do anything about it, and I am hesitant to call the police - in the end, these are just children looking to have some fun while waiting for their bus; I just do not want them to do it in a place where I am legally liable for any injuries!  Do you have any suggestions on how to solve this issue, Tazi?

Signed,
Not A Parent (Obviously)

Dear Not A Parent (Obviously):

Your concerns are valid ones.  My front yard has a school bus stop across the street from it; thankfully, the children are chaperoned by parents who see that they are well-behaved and respect the boundaries set forth by the neighboring property owners.  I can only imagine the nightmare that would occur if these parents were not so conscientious! PAWS UP to parents who do this!  ("")  ("")

Since you do not know the identity of the children in your yard - or the identity of their parents - I suggest that you contact your local school board.  It should be they who control the placement of school bus stops; if it is not, they will know who to contact regarding this matter.  Politely explain the situation and your concerns, as you have here, and emphasize your concerns over liability. The fact that a child narrowly escaped a serious head injury is cause for deep concern for all parties involved.

The School Board should have a list of addresses within the radius that the school bus stop in front of your house serves and a letter to parents can be sent to those addresses, explaining the situation and the responsibility that they bear, as parents, in teaching their children to respect the property of others.  If your community participates in the D.A.R.E. program, perhaps an associated officer (one that the children know and trust) can come and check on the children to make certain that they are following the rules, and enforce the rules if the children are disregarding them.

I highly doubt that it will come to this, but if these aforementioned steps do not solve the issue you may have to file a formal complaint, with your City Hall, against your School Board, stating that they have failed to enforce your rights as a private property owner and demanding that the school bus stop be moved elsewhere...thus making it somebody else's headache.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Day At The Park Was Not Walk In The Park For This Dad

Dear Mr. Tazi Kat:

I am fuming! I went to the playground today with my 3-year-old daughter only to find a group of older girls (they looked about 12, and some were wearing makeup) sitting on the swings and refusing to leave. I politely asked if my daughter could use the playground equipment, but these girls refused to budge. The swings are really the only playground toy that she can play on - monkey bars are too high; she is too small for a see-saw; and the slide scares her. It was not like these girls were actually swinging on the swings - they were just sitting there gossiping!

After about 20 minutes of running around, my daughter was getting antsy to use the swings, so I once again approached the group of girls who had commandeered the swings and asked if my child could use them for the purpose intended. The lead girl let out a huge sigh and asked me what part of "no" did I not understand? Infuriated, I called the Sheriff's Office to complain; but when an officer arrived on the scene to question the girls, they told him that I was harassing them and making them feel very uncomfortable! The officer actually came up to me and asked if I had proof that the child I claimed as mine (my daughter) really was my child, and grilled me like I was some kind of sexual predator scoping out the playground under the guise of being a good father!

Tazi, to start my daughter looks just like me; plus I have at least a dozen photos of her and my wife (her mother) in my wallet. Second, I am an upstanding member of my community! This, however, did not matter: I was asked to leave the playground because I was getting a little hot under the collar, which I regrettably did. What is this world coming to when a group of ill-mannered pre-teens can force a parent and young child out of a playground? I would like to file a complaint of my own with the Sheriff, but my wife tells me that I should just let sleeping dogs lie before my reputation ends up tarnished. What say you, Mr. Kat?

Signed,
A Good Father

Dear Good Father:

While it was admirable of you to take your daughter to the playground, and while it sounds like the pre-teen girls who were already there were quite rude, you must understand that the playground is still a public park where all kinds will gather and the police - who were not there to witness the events - need to take extra precautions when dealing with children.

It is obvious that the girls on the swings were a group of Queen Bees looking to start trouble in order to boost their own sense of power and ego, and you had the unfortunate experience of stumbling upon their nest. Because they chose to complain about you to the law officer who showed up (after you called them!) I think it would be a good idea to file a complaint that will tell your side of the story - that you were there with your young child and attempted to secure a swing for her from a group of overage youngsters who were loitering. Be certain to mention that it was you who called the Sheriff's office in the first place, and that you did not appreciate the thinly veiled accusations that you were a sexual predator. Once your side of the story is on file for the record (something the reporting officer should have taken at the scene) you should let the situation drop, lest further trouble find you in the form of the parents of these pre-teen girls.

As I said in the opening of my response, a public park - especially a playground - attracts all kinds, including those with less than honorable intentions towards the youth who gather there. I, for one, would rather be briefly hassled by a police officer who is looking to protect the children of my community than see a predator believed when he casually points to someone else's child and claims him/her as his own in an effort to blend in with the rest of the playground crowd.

Since, by your own admission, your daughter is too young to use any of the playground equipment - with the exception of the swings - maybe you could look for a better location for her to play outdoors; one where there is more for her to do (many children like the swings, and they are not always available, even when there are no pre-teen girls hogging them). In the meantime, you could file this experience away as an example of the woman you do not want your daughter to become, and continue to actively parent her in such a way that as she grows, she will learn how to respect her elders and treat those younger than her with the kindness that she would like to receive.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.