Is This Guy A Gold-Digger Or Is He Simply Enlightened?

Dear Tazi:

I am a doctor, completing my medical residency and looking forward to joining a practice in the near future. A few months ago I met a man at a party for a mutual friend. He seemed like a nice guy, so I gave him my email address when he asked for my phone number, explaining that I am often too busy to take a call but will answer an email during my down time. I also did this because I felt it would give me the chance to get to know him as a person, without all of the awkward early dating stuff. Plus, I don’t have a whole lot of time for dating, so this method allows me to keep him at a slight distance while developing a friendship first. After a few weeks of emailing I thought it would be nice to meet for coffee, and we started seeing each other. For me it was nothing serious, but I think he had other ideas.

“Ted” always kept obsessing over the fact that I am a doctor. He would make comments like, “If we got married, I would love to be a stay-at-home husband!” and then laugh, to lighten the mood. Another of his comments is, “a doctor’s schedule is pretty hectic, if you were to have children, would you want to hire a nanny or have your husband stay at home with them?” I have asked him point blank why he is asking me such personal questions to which I do not have an answer, but he claims that he is just trying to get to know me; that he believes in the importance of having a parent home with the children, and is curious to know how I feel. I responded that I felt his questions were out of line for such an early point in any relationship, and he let them drop.

It has been two months since Ted and I started dating, and he is hinting that he would like to move things along several steps to a much higher level. Whenever a commercial for a jewelry store comes on TV, he asks me what my favorite cut of diamond is “just in case” he needs to know. While out Christmas shopping, he asked me what I thought about the idea of getting engaged on Valentine’s Day; I responded that it would depend on the couple and how long they had been dating.

Tazi, I realize that as a doctor I stand to make a considerable amount of money over my lifetime employment, but right now I am still paying on my student loans. I feel like Ted is pushing for a commitment now so he can argue that he was not after me for my money when I am actually making some. Am I being paranoid? Or is it as Ted says; that he is just trying to get to know me and to see if our life plans are compatible?

Signed,

No Time For This

P.S. Ted is employed, but does not seem to like his middle-income job all that much. He complains about it all the time

Dear No Time For This:

What exactly is Ted’s “life plan”? Has he shared that information with you yet, or is he too busy asking you probing questions and complaining about how much he hates his job in between comments of how he would love to be a stay-at-home Dad to nail down an exacting answer for you?

I believe that your gut instinct about Ted is correct – that he is a gold-digger staking a claim in the hopes that his prospecting will pan out for him in the end. However, I could be wrong; he might just be the enlightened type. I suggest that you talk to the mutual friend who introduced you and seek answers about Ted – is he always so quick to rush into a relationship; has he ever spoke of his dream of being a stay-at-home Dad; is he steadily employed – and listen with a frank ear to the answers given.

Once you have an idea of what Ted is really like, make your decision to stay or go based upon how you feel. Do you feel like Ted wants to be a hands-on father and househusband, or that he sees you as a cash-cow towards a life of ease? Could you respect a man who worked as a househusband while his wife works as the breadwinner? Are you comfortable with the pace of the relationship that Ted is trying to set, and do you think he will slow things down if asked? Once you have the answers to these questions, you will have the answer to your question of whether or not to stay with him.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Whirlwind Romance May Not Stand The Test Of Time

Dear Tazi:

Last month I was miserable about the fact that I did not have a boyfriend and this month I am engaged after a whirlwind romance.  Isn’t it funny how life works?  “Bobby”, my fiancé has not yet given me a real ring so I am wearing a 1 ct. cubic zirconia for the time being.

Bobby’s grandmother always told him that when he got engaged she would give him her diamond, but now that the time has come she is refusing to part with it.  She has said that if I truly am “the one” that she will be glad to see me wearing her ring but she feels that the romance is moving a little too quickly to be certain.  Tazi, she got married after a whirlwind romance, when her husband was being sent off to fight in Korea, and her married lasted until she was widowed!  How can she now hold us to a double standard? 

I have asked Bobby to stand up to his grandmother and point out her hypocrisy, but he refuses.  I am starting to wonder just what kind of man I am marrying; if he cannot stand up to me to his family, will I always come in second place?  My brothers keep poking fun of my temporary engagement ring, saying that a real man would not have bought a fake stone, that Bobby should have invested a couple hundred dollars in a small diamond or in a birthstone ring.  I do not like hearing them talk about their future brother-in-law this way, but since they planted the idea in my head I am beginning to agree with them and am having further questions about what kind of man Bobby really is.  Am I marrying a tightwad?

My parents have been close-mouthed over our entire engagement; they have not congratulated us or offered to throw us an engagement party, but they have not expressed their disapproval, either.  Tazi, do you think that Bobby and I are rushing into things?  Or can whirlwind romances last forever?

Signed,

Blushing Bride to Be

Dear Blushing Bride to Be:

You have been dating your fiancé for less than a month.  Did you know him before that – was yours a close friendship that took a romantic turn?  Or did you and Bobby meet a few weeks ago in the shampoo aisle at Wal-Mart?  Personally, I think that is a great place to meet people because you can be certain of two things – that they use soap and water on a regular basis, and they know a great price on health and beauty products when they see one!  Would I want to marry someone after only knowing them for a few weeks?  In a word, no.

You call Bobby’s grandmother’s views hypocritical; but you need to see things from “Nana’s” point of view.  Back during the days of WWI, WWII, and the Korean War (I refuse to dishonor veterans by calling it a conflict) many people got married before leaving for war because that is what was expected of them.  In doing so, they often married people who were little more than complete strangers; they then spent their married lives getting to know each other.  Back then, marriage was also looked upon differently.  A person married someone they cared for – not necessarily passionately; it was understood that passion ebbs and flows – but someone with who they had personal compatibility, which does not fade as quickly as honeymoon memories.  In short, falling in and out of love – and back in again – was a process that occurred throughout the life of the marriage, not the courtship.  This sort of arrangement has its pros and cons, but is not a common occurrence in our modern American culture.  Nana’s marriage may have lasted until she was widowed, but this does not mean that the union was a happy one; it may have been a contented one, or there may have been storms behind their closed doors.  Obviously, Nana has reasons for waiting to hand over her diamond.  Whirlwind relationships can last, but the whirlwind feelings generally die down like a hurricane that has made landfall.

Twice you ask me “what kind of man” your fiancé is – is he too scared to stand up for you, is he a “tightwad”?  If these are qualities that you absolutely cannot live with, I strongly suggest that you postpone any wedding plans you may have in  exchange for a longer courtship.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Wants To Know Why Men Keep Hitting On Her

Dear Tazi:

I am a busy, divorced Mom of an active son so I will be short, sweet, and to the point: How come men are coming out of woodwork - everyone from a nurse at the hospital  to a father in my son's class - and asking me "out" in not so polite terms. I'm not flirting or wearing anything remotely sexy and yet I'm getting requests everywhere; it's starting to be a pain!  Mind you I have a claddagh ring on left hand ring finger that is very classy, and custom made for me. I should also state that I have made it clear to these men that I am in a committed relationship, but that still hasn't stopped them.

Signed,

Getting Tired Of All This Attention:

Dear Getting Tired Of All This Attention:

Your claddagh ring sounds lovely, but are you sure that you are wearing it correctly?  According to DiamondRingr.com, this traditional Irish ring is to be worn on the right hand, with the hands and heart facing outward if you are single/looking and inward if you are in a committed relationship or married. If your ring is facing outward, men in the know about this tradition could see it as a signal to make a move.  This, however, does not excuse their use of crude and ungentlemanly language.  A Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust to them!

A Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust is like a Hallmark® card, only more honest!

If your claddagh ring is properly positioned and men are still coming onto you in not so polite terms, I suggest you tell them that "my boyfriend doesn't like it when other men talk to me that way, and neither do I!"  From there, calmly walk away or, if that is not possible, turn away from them so they know you are not interested.  If they continue to pursue you, do your best to ignore them.  Once they realize you are not playing hard to get their fervor will hopefully die.

This last step is very, very important: no matter how much a man continues to vie for your attention, you must ignore him.  The moment you give in to his desire for attention you give him power over you.  Just a spoiled child knows that Mommy will break down buy him a toy if he throws a tantrum, an unscrupulous man will learn what to do to break through your emotional armor and use it against you until you concede to having a conversation with him...or a drink...or dinner...or...(mind you, I am not saying all men are unscrupulous, but from the way you describe the way these men have been hitting on you they do not sound like gentlemen!).

As for how you act and dress, sometimes, all a woman has to do is smile and be friendly for a man to think that she is interested in him.  It is not for you to change your demeanor, but for the men who take it the wrong way to hold their horses and look for actual signs of interest and not interpret common courtesy as a green light into your bed.  Until these neanderthals catch on to the fact that you are not flirting with them, be sure to pepper your conversations with references to your partner and to flash that claddagh ring like a rapper flashes his bling!

Don "Magic" Juan would fit right in with the People of WalMart!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Was the Phone Call Really An Emergency? Or Just A Way Out Of A Bad Date?

Dear Tazi:

I need an honest opinion. What does it mean when you are single, go on a date, and the woman you are with gets an "emergency" phone call that requires her to end the evening early? This has happened to me twice in the past month, both times with ladies I was interested in getting to know better (thus far, it has not happened with women that I was not interested in seeing again). Both times I tried calling the next day to follow up and make sure that everything was okay; and both times the ladies in question were polite and apologetic for having to leave early, but neither time did they suggest making things up to me by meeting me for another date.

I am told that I am an extremely attractive man and that I have a good personality. I am financially stable, I own my own home, and am current on the mortgage. My children are grown and independent and my ex-wife and I are still on good terms; yet I am starting to question if there is something wrong with me! Could I be doing something to put-off women to whom I am attracted and would like to pursue a relationship? Or do you think that these two "emergencies" really were emergencies, and the ladies were just too embarrassed to ask to see me again?

Signed,
CasaNOVA

Dear CasaNOVA:

I like your cutesy play on words, where you capitalize the "NOVA" in your signature! Are you this charming in person, too? [Ed. Note: The phrase "no va" is Spanish for "it doesn't go"]. However, I have to add that what I find charming, some humans may find cloying and annoying. If you overdose a woman on charm, she may start looking for the nearest exit.

I am intrigued by the fact that these "emergency phone calls" only came in when you were on dates with women who interested you; and not with those you did not wish to see again. Could it be that, in your zeal to let them know that you were interested, you were being a tad too aggressive in courting these women? A good date can turn bad quickly when one person starts planning a future that the other party is not yet ready to envision.

When they go on a date, most women have some sort of exit strategy in case the evening does not turn out as planned. Some women are direct; others are more subtle, employing the "emergency phone call" trick, wherein a friend calls their mobile phone to check-in. If the date is going well, the call is ignored; if the date is not going well, a "sudden emergency" can be claimed and the date ended. Never have I heard of a man calling the next day to follow-up and see if everything is okay. Again, this could be seen as charming and polite or it could be seen as overly-aggressive and creepy.

I suggest that you take the time to analyse your own behavior, asking yourself the hard questions to get to the truth of the matter: Are you coming off as a blow-hard? Are you being overly aggressive in your attempts to charm the ladies? Are you pushing to move things along faster (physically or emotionally) than your date would like? You do not say how many recent dates you have had in total - with ladies that interested you as well as with those that did not - so I am unable to see the entire picture. Being cold and flu season, it really could be that the babysitter called because Junior got sick all over the rug.

You give an attractive description of yourself, so on paper you sound like the type of man every woman dreams of finding - but sometimes, dreams do not live up to reality. Since you are on good terms with your ex-wife, maybe you could ask her opinion of what might be happening to prematurely terminate your promising dates.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Love Triangle Causes Rift Between Brothers

Dear Tazi:

Have you ever watched the Audrey Hepburn movie Sabrina, the one where two brothers compete for the same woman? I am in a similar situation as that, and I need someone to referee. I will call the woman in question "Katherine".

My brother and I are both divorced and in our fifties, so we are not kids. Katherine is about a dozen years younger than both of us and has never been married, although she has not lacked for male attention. Until recently, I thought her reason for avoiding marriage was because she had never bothered to grow up; but I could not have been more wrong about this amazing woman.

I have always known Katherine from the community but never paid any attention to her except to say hello when our paths crossed. My brother knows Katherine better than I because his ex-wife used to babysit her; however, I never knew he harbored feelings for her until I asked her on a date. That was when [everything] broke loose.

I recently attended a charity fundraiser as a way to network with some business acquaintances (and to support a worthy cause) when I spotted Katherine talking to a potential client of mine like they were old friends. I was surprised to see her there, but was pleased when she waved me over to join the conversation so she might excuse herself for a moment. It was in talking with my potential client that I discovered there is more to Katherine than I realized. I discovered that she is not chronically unemployed and a career student, but works from home as an Event Planner and holds two Masters degrees. I also discovered that she donates her talents to charities and was on the planning board for that evening's event. Seeing her in this new light I was completely taken with her and barely left her side all evening. Before the night was over, I had a date with her for the following weekend.

My mother happened to see a photo from the charity event in the Society pages of the local newspaper. It was a group photo, but my proximity to Katherine caught her eye. My mother has always loved Katherine (they are in the same garden club) so she posted the picture on the refrigerator, which is where my brother saw it when he came to visit. This is where things got ugly.

I won't give you a blow-by-blow, but suffice to say my brother has expressed interest in dating Katherine. He claims that he has been waiting for the right time to ask her out, out of respect for his ex-wife's relationship to her. Tazi, it has been five years since my brother's divorce and he has dated a string of women in that time. It has been seven years since my divorce, and I have dated one woman (a long term relationship that ended two years ago). I am not one to ask a woman out on a whim, and I think Katherine and I really have a connection. My brother has told me if I go out with Katherine I can cross him off of my Christmas card list. I think he is being selfish, he thinks I am being traitorous. I asked our youngest brother to moderate the argument, but he refused to get involved. I saw a copy of your column taped to my mother's refrigerator and thought, "Why not?".

Signed,
"Linus"

Dear "Linus":

It was only after I looked over the IMDB listing for Sabrina that I understood your signature. I suppose I am going to have to watch the movie now, huh? With regard to your problem, I have one question for your brother: Is Katherine even interested in you? As for you, what made you view Katherine in such a negative light before you got to know her better? A Paw Slap of Disgust for each of you, and be glad I am not forwarding your letter to the woman who gives out throat punches!


Photo courtesy of LOL Cats
If this woman means all that your brother claims she means to him, why has he been dating a string of other women while biding his time to ask Katherine out on a date? If she is at all interested in him this has to have broken her heart! It sounds to me that he is jealous because you have "scored" something he wants but cannot have - a date with this woman.

Since Katherine accepted a date with you - that will have most likely occurred by the time this letter is printed - it would be rude of you to suddenly break off all contact with her. If things are going well with Katherine, I say continue to see her. Your brother will have to grow up and get over it. If things are not all that you hoped between you and Katherine, graciously bow out and allow your brother the opportunity to ask her on a date. Whatever you choose to do, you and your brother need to stop talking about Katherine like she is a piece of property. She is a woman, with feelings and a mind of her own.

Perfunctory snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. to your Mom: Thanks for printing and posting my column! It means a lot to me! -T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

What To Do About An "Ex" That Won't Let Go?

Dear Tazi:

My husband “Roger” and I have been happily married for two wonderful years. We met when I answered his online personal ad. Although I was not the only woman he had given his email address and phone number to, I was the only woman he chose to meet in real life. At the time, I was one of several women with whom he was conversing, but once we met he let them all know he had met a woman with who he wanted to pursue a relationship (me).

Every now and then, Roger will get a phone call, text, or email from one of the women who had answered his long ago personal ad, asking how he is doing and if he would like to get together for a drink. To his credit Roger politely informs these women that he is happily married and, having no past relationship with them, asks to be removed from their “little black book”. Most women congratulate him on our marriage, laugh at his suggestion that they have an entire book of potential dates, and never contact him again. The one exception to this is “Mary”.

Mary first contacted Roger a little over a year ago, leaving a message on our answering machine and suggesting that they meet for coffee and to “catch up” on each other’s lives. Roger sent her a short email to let her know he was married to me and that his marital status was the only update that was needed. Mary took this email as an invitation to start a conversation with Roger, asking all sorts of personal questions and asking what it was about me that he found more attractive. Tazi, Roger had never even met her, nor did he have any interest in meeting her after talking to her on the phone. He remembered her as being “pushy” and “demanding” in her search for a man. Roger was too kind to tell her this, and simply ended the conversation by telling her that I was his soul-mate; that when he met me, he just “knew”.

Since that email, Mary has taken to sending him forward after forward; emails like “Sending a prayer your way!” or “Sending this to a friend I am thinking of today…” Each of these emails is innocuous in their own right, but when combined paint a picture of someone who refuses to let go of a past that never was. Roger has deleted each one of them without responding, after opening them to make sure that they did not contain anything threatening or stalker-ish. It had reached the point where Roger was receiving ten or more of these forwards a day, so he added Mary’s address to his SPAM block. Her emails now go directly into the trash. You would think this would take care of the problem, but it has not. Apparently, Mary is able to check if the emails she sends have been opened/read. Now that her emails are not being opened, she has taken to contacting my husband via other methods.

Roger has received multiple Facebook friend requests from Mary, and has finally blocked her from contacting him. She repeatedly texts him, asking why they can’t rekindle the friendship they once had. Tazi, there is no “friendship” to rekindle! Unfortunately, Roger’s mobile phone service does not allow him to block numbers, so the best he can do is ignore her – which obviously does not work. Mary’s texts are sent at the most inopportune times – the middle of the night, while we are sleeping; early morning, when we are getting ready for work; or on weekends, when Roger and I are spending time together or socializing with people who actually are friends.

We have looked into getting a restraining order against Mary, but because Roger was never romantically involved with her and she has never threatened violence against either of us we would have to pay for the legal filing (which is not cheap) and there is no guarantee we would be granted an order of restraint, since Mary is only being a nuisance from a distance. I would like to contact Mary myself and ask why she feels the need to disrespect my position as Roger’s wife, but I don’t want to come off as a jealous shrew. I do not feel the slightest bit insecure in my marriage, and am friends with a few of Roger’s actual past girlfriends, but I am getting rather annoyed at the lengths this woman is going to get my husband’s attention. Roger has suggested that we just ignore her and hopefully she will go away on her own. What do you advise, Tazi?

Signed,
Fed Up

Dear Fed Up:

I receive many letters about exes that can’t let go, but your situation is unusual, considering that your husband has never even met or dated the woman who will not let go. I realize it would be a personal inconvenience to have to change your phone number, so I will not suggest that, but I will suggest that your husband turn off his mobile phone when he does not wish to be bothered by it. Since Mary only seems to text at times when the two of you are (assumed to be) together, anyone who needs to contact Roger would be able to reach him by calling your mobile phone. You could even add this suggestion to Roger’s voicemail, telling the caller to “call my wife if you need to reach me”. There is no need to leave your phone number; just be certain that people Roger wants to hear from have your phone number. Should Mary resort to calling your husband’s mobile phone (as opposed to just texting it) she will get the literal message that Roger is unavailable.

As tempting as it may be to contact Mary yourself and tell her off, this would only put you in a bad light and add fuel to Mary’s fire. By acting like a jealous shrew you will be giving Mary the impression that you are one, as well as reason to think that your marriage is unstable. As difficult as it might be, I suggest that you follow through with Roger’s suggestion: ignore Mary, and hopefully she will move on to a more receptive target. Unless Mary suffers from erotomania, she will eventually get tired of being ignored and move on to someone who will be receptive to her overtures.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

May-December Romance In Limbo As Paths Divide

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is financially secure, sophisticated, charming, clean and sober, and fun. So what's the problem? Ours is not quite a May-December romance, but pretty close to it - I would call it May-late October. "David" is almost 25 years older than me; I am in my early thirties.

David and I have been dating four [sic] almost five years now, and I would like to settle down, get married, and have children before it is too late. David is divorced, has adult children from his marriage, and has no desire to father more children at this stage in life. Furthermore, every time I bring up the idea of marriage, David tells me that he is not ready to take that step; doubts he ever will be ready to take it again; and that I should not pin my hopes on such a future with him. I tried breaking up with him over this, but we were both miserable without each other so I came back to him. It was during our time apart that my dissatisfaction with this relationship really started to blossom.

David and I were broken up for about six months; during which time I dated other men who were closer to my age, and even a few years younger. Although they lacked David's worldly sophistication and bank account balance, it was nice to be with a man who could stay out until the city closed down for the night; who could have a few drinks without worrying that they would interfere with his Viagra; and who wasn't mistaken for my father every time we went somewhere where people didn't know us.

Now that David and I are back together, I find myself feeling restless; wishing that he was twenty years younger. Why can't I love him for who he is? I have thought about breaking up with him; but like you said in an earlier column, after Christmas comes Valentine's Day...and then my birthday, in March (and I will be darned if I miss out on a gift after spending another three months with him!)...then it's his birthday, in late April...then summer, and he owns a boat and has membership to a private beach club...then the next thing you know it's October and the holidays are approaching again! Am I shallow? I am not sure if it is my love of the material things David provides that keeps me by his side - or my love of him. What's your professional opinion, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Not A Gold-Digger?

Dear Not A Gold-Digger?

A few sessions with a mental health professional could help you delve deeper into what attracts you to David - be it his material wealth, his age, or just a natural attraction to the man that he is. If you grew up poor without a father-figure in your life, I could see why you would seek financial security and an older man. If you did not; well, again, a social worker or licensed counselor would be able to help you to see inside yourself. I sincerely suggest that you seek the services of one to help you figure out your heart and mind, for your sake and David's. It is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where love of the person takes a back-seat to a love of material things.

Something you said that caught my attention was that the two of you were "both miserable without each other"; yet in the next paragraph you mention that during your six months apart you dated other men, and from the sound of it had the time of your life. What was it that was making you so miserable? If it was the lack of "worldly sophistication and bank account balance" accorded these men, then I would say the answer to your question is YES; it is your love of material things that keeps you by David's side.

If marriage and children is what you truly seek in life, than I would suggest that you wean yourself off of David, because he has made it clear that this is not the life he seeks, nor is it the life he wishes to provide for you.

--Tazi-Kat

It's Never Too Late To Apologize For Bad Behavior

Dear Tazi:

I am an idiot. No, I am a jerk. No, I am an idiot and a jerk! Several years ago I allowed an amazing woman to walk out of my life because I was not ready for a relationship and wanted to play the field. I grew up with "Alexandria", and never forgot about her because we live in the same parish so I see her around every now and then - at the grocery store, the Post Office, and other places like that; sometimes, I even go to church because I know that she will be there. This is how I know that she has been happily involved with someone for the past four years.

When I first heard that Alexandria was seeing someone, I was happy for her - and relieved that she had moved on with her life after I broke her heart. It wasn't that I didn't have feelings for her; it was that I wasn't ready to settle down with one woman. I was only thirty and still enjoying playing the field, while she wanted someone more serious. I am now thirty-eight and playing the field has lost its charm. Yes, there were women out there who were younger and prettier than Alexandria, but they all expected me to take care of them - from buying them their every drink from the moment I meet them to buying them expensive jewelry for every holiday. Alexandria used to tell me that a gift of jewelry is a sign of a serious commitment, and I am starting to feel the same, now that I am older, which is why I have bought a diamond tennis bracelet for her.

I realize that Alexandria is with someone, and I am not trying to tempt her away and back into my arms; I just want her to know how important she is to me and that I have finally seen the light - that a good woman is hard to find. I want to tell her that I was an idiot to let her walk away and that I am a jerk for walking all over her feelings all those years ago. I want her to know that, come what may, she will always hold a special place in my heart.

My mother has accused me of trying to start trouble for Alexandria, of going back to the roots I tried to poison, now that I am old and washed up. My sister has reminded me that Alexandria would probably refuse the bracelet anyway, and that I should return it while I still have the receipt. While Mama is wrong, my sister is probably right which is why I was wondering if you think it would be okay to put the bracelet - along with an anonymous note - in Alexandria's mailbox, where she is bound to find it.

Signed,
Lovelorn in Louisiana

Dear Lovelorn in Louisiana:

Were you drunk when you wrote this letter to me? It has been eight years since you broke up with Alexandria! She has been in a serious relationship for four - which, incidentally, does not mean it took her the prior four years to get over you! While an apology for past bad behavior is never the wrong thing to do, you appear to be moved by the wrong motivation.

If you truly care about Alexandria - as a childhood friend or as something more - you will leave her be to move through life without you. Your idea of leaving her a diamond tennis bracelet in her mailbox reeks of stupidity. For one, it is a rarely prosecuted Federal crime to leave anything but duly posted U.S. mail in someone's mailbox. Second, how anonymous would your note actually be, and what affect do you think it would have on her current relationship?

I suggest that you return the tennis bracelet, while you still can, and forget about your plan to woo Alexandria. Next, I suggest you stop going to church in order to stalk this woman! While many couples have met during church, services in the Lord's house are not Match.com events! If you are sincerely called to attend mass, do so out of humble piety...and then after mass you might want to approach Alexandria and apologize for past wrongs against her. You don't have to give a sermon to her, just ask for her forgiveness for the bad blood you feel between the two of you. You may be surprised to discover that she has forgotten all about it and put it behind her years ago.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

LinkedIn Is Not "Facebook Plus", Should Not Be Used For Romantic Connections

Dear Tazi:

I am a sophomore in college and am sick and tired of dating immature little boys who think they are men just because their birth certificate says they are. I have asked my older sister if she could set me up with someone more mature, but she tells me that I am too young, and besides she would not feel comfortable setting me up with one of her friends or colleagues (there is a 10 year age difference between us).

I recently received a "connect" request from a friend to join LinkedIn. She is a year older than me and very smart. She will be graduating college a year early because she took early enrollment courses while still in high school and has gone to school summers, which has put her a year ahead in her program. Anyway, she put together a LinkedIn profile because she is looking for work and wanted to have a professional online profile where she can network with people who will make her look good. She asked me to create a page because I am a Dean's List student and she wants to show people that she hangs out with responsible and mature people.

While I was on LinkedIn I noticed a lot of really good looking men who are not much older than me (mid-twenties) and have fantastic jobs! They don't say how much they are earning, but it looks like big bucks from their job descriptions and the pictures of them in suits and ties! In addition to connecting with people I know I have scoped out a few people who work in the field I hope to go into after I graduate - you know, to network with them and to hopefully score a sweet internship or even a paid part-time job. And yes, I have asked several of the cute guys I found to connect with me because I am hoping to meet someone special. Someone mature, who has his life in order and is looking for a good woman for more than a good time.

I am not overly obvious about my intentions, always choosing men who attended the same college as me (so it looks like I am trying to connect with the alumni) or who know someone I know. My problem is that I requested one of my sister's co-workers. He recognized the last name and since my sister and I look a lot alike he figured out the connection and assumed I was looking to connect because I have an interest in their professional field (she is a lawyer, and I am a Political Science major, so duh...I can see why he would think that way. He even commented about it to my sister, and asked if I would be applying for an internship with their firm. While I thought he was expressing interest in me it turns out he is gay and is really just interested in helping me out because he respects my sister's work.

My sister on the other hand figured out what I was doing in about three seconds flat and freaked on me! She is demanding that I pull my LinkedIn profile and stop using it to try and get a date. I don't think I am doing anything wrong, and besides I have a perfectly legit reason for being on LinkedIn - to help my friend boost her image and yes to make business contacts of my own for when I graduate in two years. My sister has threatened to tell our Mom and while I don't know what she would do I know what she could do and that would make my life pretty miserable.

I don't think what I am doing is all that wrong! I haven't hit on anyone (outright) yet and have had no complaints about the comments I have left for people and the emails asking to meet for coffee. What do you think? Am I wrong for lookin gout for my own future?

Signed,
Future Professional

Dear Future Professional:

Linkedin is not "Facebook Plus", where people are willing to reveal even more personal information about themselves than they would ever dream of revealing on social media. This is why LinkedIn has very strict privacy settings and why many people use them. In many cases, if you do not know someone's email address you cannot even send them a request to connect! This should tell you something: that LinkedIn is not a dating/hookup site! If you are interested in that there are plenty of online personal site for you to peruse.

He's looking to make a professional connection, not a love connection!

For the sake of your (future) professional credibility I suggest you stop pursuing a romance through your professional profile and instead work towards making industry connections, as your friend is doing. Start with making a basic profile and posting classes taken and samples of the work completed in those classes. Note any awards and honors you have received (Dean's List is a big one, so don't sell yourself short!). Keep your profile picture tasteful; use a professional looking head-shot if you have one, not a picture of you in a string bikini. mention your career goals, and try to connect with people who would be willing to help you achieve them (like your sister's coworker). If any of your professors are on LinkedIn, politely request to connect with them so you can keep in touch with them once your class is through; an academic recommendation can go a long way when you lack professional work experience. Finally, remember that on a site like LinkedIn - or any social media - you are not only representing yourself but the people who choose to connect with you. Don't disappoint them by acting like a lovesick child.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. While I can understand your frustration with "immature little boys who think they are men" you need to cut them some slack; they are enjoying their youth. Today's immature college boys are tomorrow's business professionals. Continue to demand respect from them and you will be surprised at how quickly they can man up around you!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Laws of Physics Meet The Laws Of Society In An Unlikely Romance

Dear Readers:

In honor of my 10th birthday this week (6/26) I am taking a week-long vacation! For your entertainment, I am re-posting some classic columns that you may have missed the first time!

--T.K.

Dear Tazi-Kat:


I am 25 years old, recently completed my PhD in Physics, and for the first time in my life I am in LOVE! ♥ ♥ ♥ I have not dated much in the quarter-century that I have been on this earth, because I have dedicated my time to educating myself, but I know a good man when I see one.  “Earl” is everything a woman could want in a man – he is kind, romantic, responsible, and treats me well.  He always calls when he says he will, and we never, ever argue.  The one snag in our relationship is that Earl is currently ten years through a twenty year sentence for assault with a deadly weapon. 

Earl was 18 and foolish when he committed the crime, and tells me he has since seen the error of his ways.  Do you see what I mean when I say he is responsible?  Many men would not own up to such behavior, insisting they are innocent and were unfairly convicted; but not my Earl!  He has been using his time in the penitentiary to earn his high school diploma, has completed anger management counseling, and has also taken some courses through the community college.  He wants to go to law school after he is paroled, and become a Prosecutor in order to give back to the community from which he took.  Doesn’t he sound every bit as wonderful as I have described?

Earl has told me that he wants to marry me after he finishes law school, but I don’t want to wait that long!  I want to become his legal wife as soon as possible, so I can be there for him as he bravely faces the struggle of paying his debt to society.  I am willing to have a small, jailhouse ceremony for now; and then a big celebration once Earl is released, but he is adamant about waiting.  Tazi-Kat, what can I do to convince Earl to marry me now, like I want – and then again later, like he wants?

Signed,

Lady-in-Waiting

Dear L-I-W:

I realize the one has to kiss a lot of frogs to find their prince, so I have to ask: Are you certain that Earl is not just another frog?  Though rare, some romances that start behind prison walls do lead to marriage; however, most are just scams perpetrated on lonely women by crafty con-men.

Are you sending Earl money on a regular basis?  If so, you need to stop immediately.  Tell Earl that you have hit a financial rough spot and cannot send him any cash for the next few months, and then watch his reaction closely.  Does he understand, or does he get angry?  Is his first reaction to say he understands, but then to pressure you for money within the first few weeks?  Does he put a guilt trip on you in order to get you to relent and continue to send money?  If anything but gentle and continuous acceptance is the result; run, don’t walk, away from this relationship, singing "Goodbye Earl" all the way.  You are probably one of many women that Earl is stringing along for financial gain.  

If possible, contact the Warden of the prison where Earl is incarcerated and report that you have been in regular communication with Earl.  The Warden will be more familiar with Earl – and his background – than you are, and he can confirm or correct any of the details Earl has given you about his life.  The truth you discover may be different than the tale that Earl has told you; so be prepared for your heart to break, and to learn from this life experience.  If the Warden confirms all that Earl has told you, then I wish you nothing but the best – and I suggest to Earl to stop dragging his feet, because a catch like you may not wait around forever.  Regardless of the outcome, speaking with a professional counselor to help you deal with the stress of the entire situation may be something you find very helpful.  

--Tazi-Kat

Man Ask For (And Tazi Gives!) Tips On How to Spot A Gold-Digger

Dear Tazi:

I am a very wealthy man, one who was born into money and has worked hard to multiply what was left to me in trust by my grandparents. I was raised with good manners; exercise regularly to keep physically fit; have interests that range from sports to fine art; donate to charity and hold politically moderate views.

My marriage ended amicably after my wife and I grew apart, and I have been on the singles scene for about five years now. During that time I have dated several women whose ages have ranged from mid-twenties to mid-forties. All have been well-mannered, educated, and gainfully employed, but I could not shake the feeling that they were with me for the financial security I could offer them. One woman went so far to complain that the Valentine’s Day gift I bought her did not reflect my financial worth – a polite way of calling me cheap, I guess. Tazi, I am not cheap! I believe a gift should reflect the level of affection someone holds for another, not the balance of their checking account. Obviously, I broke up with that one.

I have met the women I have dated in various places – church, restaurants, and political gatherings, to name a few venues – but for some reason I only seem to attract gold-diggers; the last one tried to fake a pregnancy in order to get me to marry her – you should have seen the look on her face when I told her that I have had a vasectomy! I have tried dating women who are of secure financial means themselves, but most of them are either too busy with their careers to find time for a relationship or they are the “desperate housewife” type that secured their fortunes through marriage and divorce and are now on the hunt once more.

Tazi, all I want is to meet a nice woman who will love me for who I am, not for my finances. What do you think I am doing wrong?

Signed,

Richie Rich

Dear Richie Rich:

A good way to attract gold-diggers is to flash your wealth. Whether you realize it or not, there is a good chance you are dropping hints to your economic status. For example, what kind of car do you drive? Do you buy your pants off the rack or have them custom tailored? Are your shirt cuffs monogrammed? Are your jeans plain old reliable Levis or do you wear $150 Hugo Boss’? Do you wear flashy jewelry or a luxury watch? Do you get regular manicures? Each of these questions by itself will not tell anyone much, but combined can paint a picture of how much disposable income you have, and how you like to dispose of it.

 A woman who is after you for your money will be able to tally up these things in a single glance; a woman who is interested in you as an all-around person will appreciate that you are nicely dressed, but will probably not know the value of your wardrobe and accessories. A woman who is after your money may offer a compliment along the lines of “I love your Harry Winston”; in recognizing that you spent over $10,000 on a watch you are being flattered. A woman with no such aims would just say she likes your “nice watch” (the exception to this being if she works in the jewelry industry and would recognize a Harry Winston).

There are many other ways to sniff out gold-diggers, but it usually involves spending time getting to know them. Someone who is on a serious mission to marry wealth will have a game plan that will be hard to recognize when you first meet him or her (men can be gold-diggers, too!). In talking with some of my wealthier contacts over a glass of cream (wine for them), they offered the following warnings:

1.       Beware of flattery. Women who are after your money may refuse to allow you to buy them a drink, dinner, or popcorn at the movies thinking this reverse psychology will work, but every one of them will work to flatter you. Put your ego aside and ask yourself if her compliments are sincere. “I know my pot belly isn’t sexy, so don’t tell me you find it attractive”, offered a friend.

2.       Is she overdressed for the occasion? If you are sitting at the bar in a mid-priced restaurant and she walks in looking like she’s dressed to go clubbing in downtown Manhattan, be on your guard; she is hoping you will see her as someone you can take to fancier places.

3.       If you are at an upscale venue, do her clothes match what the other women are wearing or do they have a discount aura about them? Maybe the price tags are still attached somewhere? Does she show up week after week in the same designer outfit? If she is trying hard to look like she has more money than she actually does, this is a bad sign. As one man put it, “I hang out at the sports bar, too, and I would rather meet a woman there because it means we have similar interests. When I see a woman trying to pass off a knock-off as the real thing, I get suspicious. If she isn’t being honest about who she is with the crowd, how can I expect her to be honest with me?”

4.       How does she treat the bartender? Another source told me he hates “women who are rude to the bartender…it’s like she thinks he is hitting on her because he is being nice to her, and she doesn’t have time for someone who makes his money tending bar.”

5.       Trust your gut. If you get a bad feeling about the woman you are romancing, follow your instincts. Humans are the only animals who do not do as their instincts tell them, and they usually end up paying the price for it.

I hope these tips are helpful and wish you luck in finding the right woman to open your heart to, without having to open your wallet as well!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Young Is Too Young To Give A Gift Of Fine Jewelry?

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I are having a disagreement about our 14-year-old son. It has to do with dating and money. A few summers ago “Brady” met a young lady at a party and they have been “dating” ever since, albeit the fact that it is “long distance” since neither of them are old enough to drive and she lives twenty minutes away and is not on a direct bus route. They see each other a few times a month, Skype a few times a week, and text daily. She is a lovely girl, and a good influence on my son – his school grades have vastly improved (she is an honor roll student) and he now puts the manners we have tried to instill in him into practice.

We give Brady an allowance of $20/week, with the agreement that $5/week goes into his personal savings for large and/or expensive purchases. Over the years we have increased his allowance based upon his responsibilities, always with the agreement that a few dollars go into his personal savings. He has managed to save a tidy sum, as well as learn the value of a dollar and the importance of hard work.

The other night over dinner, Brady informed his mother and me that he would like to buy his girlfriend an “open heart” pendant that he saw advertised on TV. My wife practically choked on her dinner and – without consulting me – declared that he absolutely would not be purchasing his girlfriend fine jewelry; that he is far too young to give such a serious gift; and that she will not allow him to spend such a large sum of money. Brady responded in kind, telling his mother that he can spend his money any way he wants, and stormed away from the dinner table.

Later that night I brought up the subject with my wife, telling her that I believe she overreacted; that Brady has been dating his girlfriend for two years now; and that he would like to give her a token of his affection to remind her of him, since they are so often apart. My wife once again reacted poorly, and I am afraid I spoke some ugly truths to her, ending with my personal belief that she is trying to keep our son her little boy and not allow him to grow up.

The next morning, things were still a little icy between my wife and I when Brady handed us a printout of a letter you answered on a very similar topic; however, I believe the people involved in that situation were all adults. My wife and I are both wondering what kind of advice you would give regarding our situation. We have agreed to follow your advice.

Signed,
Connecticut Father

Dear Connecticut Father:

I believe the letter to which you refer dealt with the issue of how soon is too soon to give a gift of jewelry; and you are correct, the issue was between two adults. My advice in your situation will be a little different, but first we all need to look at the big picture.

Your son is not planning on buying his lady friend a diamond engagement ring or even something that comes in a pale blue box (that was a reference to Tiffany’s, for those not in the know!).

A Jane Seymour “Open Hearts” pendant is a very affordable, even for a young person, with pendant appropriate for teenage couples priced around $80. For your son, this represents an investment of one month’s allowance, which is not entirely unreasonable…although I am not entirely comfortable with this price point considering his age. However…

Since your son has faithfully followed your rule that he save a portion of his weekly allowance for high end purchases, I am hesitant to suggest that you dishonor your end of the agreement. Fourteen is a difficult age, a point in life where a young person starts looking for ways to express their independence; Brady’s desire to give his girlfriend something that reflects his feelings for her.

I think you should have a father-son talk with Brady about his intention to purchase his girlfriend a piece of fine jewelry. Explain to him that just as his mother did not react well, his girlfriend’s parents may have the same reaction when they discover a boy has made such a purchase for their daughter. Try to get to the reason why Brady wants to buy his girlfriend this pendant. Is it because he fears that other boys are expressing interest in her? Is it because she has expressed an interest in this piece of jewelry? How would he feel if something were to happen and the two of them were to break up; would he be alright with her keeping the pendant? A gift, once given, cannot be demanded back. If at this point Brady still wants to buy his girlfriend the pendant he has in mind I suggest that you allow it, on the conditions that he ask her parents’ permission to give it and that the price remain within reason.

Once you have ironed out all of these details with Brady, I suggest that you lay down a few ground rules about how he is allowed to spend his money in the future. This should help to circumvent any future arguments about money while still allowing him the independence that a fourteen year old boy craves.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  A nice alternative would be a few Alex and Ani bangles! The are a great way to show you care, won't break the bank, are made of fine materials, and are very fashionable! Plus, they are made in the USA!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

She's In Love With Justin Bieber!

Dear Tazi:

Is it possible to be in love with a man who doesn't even know I exist? I know it sounds crazy - and that he is crazy in love with Selena Gomez - but I am in love with Justin Bieber. At first I just thought it was a stupid crush, but then I saw him in concert; and I swear he looked right at me several times during the show...and I felt something like I have never felt before! When that crazy woman accused him of fathering her baby, I went nuts! All I could think was that she HAD to be lying - that Justin would never lower himself to sleep with a groupie; but then, how do I know that, really? I really don't KNOW Justin Bieber as a person - just what I see in the media. My obsession with Justin has reached the point where my boyfriend left me over it; and yet, I really don't miss him. I think I would miss Justin more.

Tazi, the worst part of my problem? I am old enough to know better! I am in my mid-twenties, and Justin is just a kid. But still...I dream of one day being one less lonely girl, and of being Justin's favorite girl. Never say never, right?

Signed,
That Should Be Me!

Dear That Should Be Me!:

I almost didn't publish your letter because of all the Justin Bieber links I had to enclose in it. Did you really have to make that many references to his songs????? [Ed. Note: In order for non-Bieber fans to understand the references, song titles have been linked to the videos]. However, I have published it, so I will offer you the following advice:

Come back down to earth, and accept the fact that you and Justin Bieber will most likely never be a couple. You have a celebrity crush, which is perfectly normal; but you have allowed it to invade on your everyday life, which is unhealthy. If your boyfriend was not someone you were serious about, I could understand why you would not miss having him in your life; but if you are breaking off successful relationships for a fantasy crush I would suggest you take stock of where your life is headed.

You need to ask yourself why you are so obsessed with Justin Bieber. Is it his boyish looks? His sensitive song lyrics? Does he somehow embody traits that you are seeking in a man? If this is the case, you need to start looking for an appropriate mate who embodies these traits. Or is it possible that you are afraid to pursue a relationship with someone attainable, and are using Justin Bieber as an excuse to keep interested and available men at arm's length? Some soul searching, and some serious discussions with a trusted friend or counselor could help you to answer these questions; as well as assist you in moving forward with your life, and putting your crush on Justin Bieber back into perspective.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband Turns The Tables On Wife's Power Ranger Crush

Dear Tazi:

I started reading your column on the advice of a friend, and have been working my way through your "Past Missives of Great Import". When I got to the letter about the man whose wife is obsessed with Puss in Boots, I knew that I had to write to you.

My wife is also obsessed with a fictional character; in "Betty's" case, it is the Red [Mighty Morphin] Power Ranger. Betty is close to a decade younger than me, and grew up watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and "Jason" (that's the red Power Ranger's real name) was her first crush. Betty has held onto her Power Ranger fantasy and often delves into her childhood by watching reruns of the show, usually with a dreamy look on her face whenever Jason is on screen. Thanks to Netflix and OnDemand, Betty can get her fix pretty much any time she cares.

At first I was quite upset with Betty's obsession with "another man", but then I realized that she swooned over this Red Power Ranger not because of the way he fills out a Spandex® suit but for the qualities he embodies: bravery, loyalty, and chivalry. Seeing this, I realized that I often fell short in these areas. How often did I ignore my wife's requests to come kill a large spider for her? How many times did I leave her to make Sunday plans with her Mom because I was too busy watching the game on TV? When was the last time I held a door open for her or surprised her by taking her out to dinner for no reason other than she deserved a break from the kitchen?

For her birthday this past November, I surprised her by dressing up as the Red Power Ranger (the Spandex® did not look as good on me, but Betty did not seem to mind). I dashed into the house with flowers in hand, swooped my wife up in my arms, told her that I loved her and that I wanted to be her hero! Since that day, I have made the extra effort to pay attention to my wife's needs, and have found that my needs are getting extra attention as well (*wink**wink*). As for the Power Ranger costume, let's just say it is being put to good use!

Signed,
Jason's Replacement

Dear Jason's Replacement:

Thank you for sharing your story! In my original letter, I suggested that the husband work to embody some of Puss' more endearing traits. I am glad to see that such a suggestion can yield positive results. I just hope that your Red Power Ranger suit is not making too regular an appearance, lest your wife start to prefer you in it over regular clothing!

Snuggles,
Tazi