Is This Guy A Gold-Digger Or Is He Simply Enlightened?

Dear Tazi:

I am a doctor, completing my medical residency and looking forward to joining a practice in the near future. A few months ago I met a man at a party for a mutual friend. He seemed like a nice guy, so I gave him my email address when he asked for my phone number, explaining that I am often too busy to take a call but will answer an email during my down time. I also did this because I felt it would give me the chance to get to know him as a person, without all of the awkward early dating stuff. Plus, I don’t have a whole lot of time for dating, so this method allows me to keep him at a slight distance while developing a friendship first. After a few weeks of emailing I thought it would be nice to meet for coffee, and we started seeing each other. For me it was nothing serious, but I think he had other ideas.

“Ted” always kept obsessing over the fact that I am a doctor. He would make comments like, “If we got married, I would love to be a stay-at-home husband!” and then laugh, to lighten the mood. Another of his comments is, “a doctor’s schedule is pretty hectic, if you were to have children, would you want to hire a nanny or have your husband stay at home with them?” I have asked him point blank why he is asking me such personal questions to which I do not have an answer, but he claims that he is just trying to get to know me; that he believes in the importance of having a parent home with the children, and is curious to know how I feel. I responded that I felt his questions were out of line for such an early point in any relationship, and he let them drop.

It has been two months since Ted and I started dating, and he is hinting that he would like to move things along several steps to a much higher level. Whenever a commercial for a jewelry store comes on TV, he asks me what my favorite cut of diamond is “just in case” he needs to know. While out Christmas shopping, he asked me what I thought about the idea of getting engaged on Valentine’s Day; I responded that it would depend on the couple and how long they had been dating.

Tazi, I realize that as a doctor I stand to make a considerable amount of money over my lifetime employment, but right now I am still paying on my student loans. I feel like Ted is pushing for a commitment now so he can argue that he was not after me for my money when I am actually making some. Am I being paranoid? Or is it as Ted says; that he is just trying to get to know me and to see if our life plans are compatible?

Signed,

No Time For This

P.S. Ted is employed, but does not seem to like his middle-income job all that much. He complains about it all the time

Dear No Time For This:

What exactly is Ted’s “life plan”? Has he shared that information with you yet, or is he too busy asking you probing questions and complaining about how much he hates his job in between comments of how he would love to be a stay-at-home Dad to nail down an exacting answer for you?

I believe that your gut instinct about Ted is correct – that he is a gold-digger staking a claim in the hopes that his prospecting will pan out for him in the end. However, I could be wrong; he might just be the enlightened type. I suggest that you talk to the mutual friend who introduced you and seek answers about Ted – is he always so quick to rush into a relationship; has he ever spoke of his dream of being a stay-at-home Dad; is he steadily employed – and listen with a frank ear to the answers given.

Once you have an idea of what Ted is really like, make your decision to stay or go based upon how you feel. Do you feel like Ted wants to be a hands-on father and househusband, or that he sees you as a cash-cow towards a life of ease? Could you respect a man who worked as a househusband while his wife works as the breadwinner? Are you comfortable with the pace of the relationship that Ted is trying to set, and do you think he will slow things down if asked? Once you have the answers to these questions, you will have the answer to your question of whether or not to stay with him.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

After 12 Years Together, Is It Time To Fish Or Cut Bait?

Dear Tazi:

Valentine's Day is approaching and I would like my boyfriend of twelve years to propose to me, but I am starting to think that is never going to happen. Every time I mention the word "marriage" he changes the subject.

"Kyle" and I have been dating since we were 18; we are both now 30, and my biological clock is starting to tick a lot louder than it has in the past! Kyle has said he is okay with having kids before we are married, but I am not. I am stringent with my birth control, just to make sure this does not happen since it is obvious a pregnancy will not be the shotgun that gets Kyle to the alter.

Kyle and I do not live together, at my insistence. While I have my own apartment he still lives at home with his parents. He says that there is no point in moving out since they do not require him to pay rent. Subsequently, Kyle has a large amount of money saved - enough to put a sizable down payment on a nice house or, combined with my savings, to purchase a house with only a very small mortgage - less than $20,000. I have suggested this to Kyle, but he says owning a house together is "too complicated" and has suggested that there would be legal complications if we were to break up.

Tazi, I would like to marry Kyle but like I said I am seriously having doubts as to whether that is ever going to happen. Do you think I am just fooling myself into believing that I will have my happily ever after with Kyle? Should I just break up with him and move on with my life? All of my girlfriends from high school and college are now married with children and I feel like my life is passing me by as I wait for Kyle to catch up with me. Other times, I feel like Kyle is my life and that I should simply adjust my expectations to meet reality.

Signed,
Wanting More

Dear Wanting More:

You have been with Kyle since you were a teenager. As you have discovered, the past twelve years have been a time of education, career training and accomplishments, and personal growth - at least for you. It sounds to me like Kyle's personal development ended in high school.

While only you can decide if you want to stay with Kyle or leave him, I will offer you my opinion on the situation. If you choose to stay with Kyle, you will have to accept that what you have now is the best you will ever have. If a man (or a woman) chooses to remain single past the age of 30 there is little chance they will change their mind and choose to marry. Kyle has told you that he likes his life just the way it is; if you want to stay with him, you will need to adjust your dream to the reality he is offering. Can you do that?

If you decide that all Kyle has to offer you is heartbreak as you watch your dreams of marriage and motherhood slide into the abyss then you need to find the courage to kiss him goodbye ("Na Na, Hey Heys" optional). As painful as it is to leave any relationship, you may discover that once you are single there are other men more worthy of your time and affections. You may even feel a sense of relief, like the Band-Aid you have been afraid to rip off of a wound has finally been removed.

I suggest that you make a list of the pros and cons of your situation. What does Kyle bring to your life that another man cannot? If you can't find anything, then it is time to break things off with Kyle, give your heart time to heal, and set out on your search for a man who can - and will - offer you what you need. Should Kyle finally open his eyes and beg you to take him back you will want to let your head - not your heart - handle the situation.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should He Ask Her To Marry Him On A Gift-Giving Holiday?

Dear Tazi:

I am preparing to propose to my girlfriend of almost one year.  I would like to do it on Christmas Day, but my buddies are all telling me not to do it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  They say that if our engagement breaks off before we get married the ring could be considered a Christmas gift and she would have the right to keep it, whereas if we got engaged on a different day - say New Year's Eve - I would have the legal right to retain the ring if the marriage doesn't take place.  Do you know if this is true, Tazi?

I love my girlfriend very much, and I don't see us breaking up before we get married, but you really never know what is going to happen.  I have paid a lot of money for the ring, so if we were to break up I would want to get it back.  Should I wait until New Year's Eve to ask her to marry me?  Or should I go ahead with my original plan?

Signed,
Almost Engaged

Dear Almost Engaged:

I think you should wait.  Indefinitely.  Your girlfriend has not yet said yes to marrying you and already you are planning what should happen to the ring if your engagement ends. While you may see this as a manner of practical thinking, I see it as placing a higher value on the ring than on the woman you love.

I am also wondering why you are so concerned about the possibility of a break-up before you get married.  If you think your engagement will not last than you should not be getting engaged.  Furthermore, you give your girlfriend very little credit in the class department.  If your theoretical engagement were to break up, why are you so certain she would not offer to return the ring?  If she were to leave you, giving the ring back would be the first item on her "to do" list; if you were to leave her and ask for the return of the ring, a gentleman would give the lady time to mourn the demise of her relationship, a lady would return the ring within a few months time.

If you are dead-set on getting engaged this holiday season, I suggest that you buy your girlfriend a spectacular Christmas gift and hold the engagement ring until New Year's - not because I foresee a legal battle for the ring, but because this plan should ease your fears of losing the rights to what you consider yours.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  You do realize that diamonds have a horrible resale value, right? If you were to try and sell the ring, you might get back as little as 10% of your purchase price.  Not many people want to buy a ring from a broken engagement - they see it as tainted with bad luck, and I can't blame them for their superstition (said the black cat!).  If you were to keep the ring, do you honestly think another woman would accept an engagement ring purchased for someone else?  My mailbag tells me no.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.