Dear Tazi-Kat:
I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is financially secure, sophisticated, charming, clean and sober, and fun. So what's the problem? Ours is not quite a May-December romance, but pretty close to it - I would call it May-late October. "David" is almost 25 years older than me; I am in my early thirties.
David and I have been dating four [sic] almost five years now, and I would like to settle down, get married, and have children before it is too late. David is divorced, has adult children from his marriage, and has no desire to father more children at this stage in life. Furthermore, every time I bring up the idea of marriage, David tells me that he is not ready to take that step; doubts he ever will be ready to take it again; and that I should not pin my hopes on such a future with him. I tried breaking up with him over this, but we were both miserable without each other so I came back to him. It was during our time apart that my dissatisfaction with this relationship really started to blossom.
David and I were broken up for about six months; during which time I dated other men who were closer to my age, and even a few years younger. Although they lacked David's worldly sophistication and bank account balance, it was nice to be with a man who could stay out until the city closed down for the night; who could have a few drinks without worrying that they would interfere with his Viagra; and who wasn't mistaken for my father every time we went somewhere where people didn't know us.
Now that David and I are back together, I find myself feeling restless; wishing that he was twenty years younger. Why can't I love him for who he is? I have thought about breaking up with him; but like you said in an earlier column, after Christmas comes Valentine's Day...and then my birthday, in March (and I will be darned if I miss out on a gift after spending another three months with him!)...then it's his birthday, in late April...then summer, and he owns a boat and has membership to a private beach club...then the next thing you know it's October and the holidays are approaching again! Am I shallow? I am not sure if it is my love of the material things David provides that keeps me by his side - or my love of him. What's your professional opinion, Tazi-Kat?
Signed,
Not A Gold-Digger?
Dear Not A Gold-Digger?
A few sessions with a mental health professional could help you delve deeper into what attracts you to David - be it his material wealth, his age, or just a natural attraction to the man that he is. If you grew up poor without a father-figure in your life, I could see why you would seek financial security and an older man. If you did not; well, again, a social worker or licensed counselor would be able to help you to see inside yourself. I sincerely suggest that you seek the services of one to help you figure out your heart and mind, for your sake and David's. It is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where love of the person takes a back-seat to a love of material things.
Something you said that caught my attention was that the two of you were "both miserable without each other"; yet in the next paragraph you mention that during your six months apart you dated other men, and from the sound of it had the time of your life. What was it that was making you so miserable? If it was the lack of "worldly sophistication and bank account balance" accorded these men, then I would say the answer to your question is YES; it is your love of material things that keeps you by David's side.
If marriage and children is what you truly seek in life, than I would suggest that you wean yourself off of David, because he has made it clear that this is not the life he seeks, nor is it the life he wishes to provide for you.
--Tazi-Kat
I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is financially secure, sophisticated, charming, clean and sober, and fun. So what's the problem? Ours is not quite a May-December romance, but pretty close to it - I would call it May-late October. "David" is almost 25 years older than me; I am in my early thirties.
David and I have been dating four [sic] almost five years now, and I would like to settle down, get married, and have children before it is too late. David is divorced, has adult children from his marriage, and has no desire to father more children at this stage in life. Furthermore, every time I bring up the idea of marriage, David tells me that he is not ready to take that step; doubts he ever will be ready to take it again; and that I should not pin my hopes on such a future with him. I tried breaking up with him over this, but we were both miserable without each other so I came back to him. It was during our time apart that my dissatisfaction with this relationship really started to blossom.
David and I were broken up for about six months; during which time I dated other men who were closer to my age, and even a few years younger. Although they lacked David's worldly sophistication and bank account balance, it was nice to be with a man who could stay out until the city closed down for the night; who could have a few drinks without worrying that they would interfere with his Viagra; and who wasn't mistaken for my father every time we went somewhere where people didn't know us.
Now that David and I are back together, I find myself feeling restless; wishing that he was twenty years younger. Why can't I love him for who he is? I have thought about breaking up with him; but like you said in an earlier column, after Christmas comes Valentine's Day...and then my birthday, in March (and I will be darned if I miss out on a gift after spending another three months with him!)...then it's his birthday, in late April...then summer, and he owns a boat and has membership to a private beach club...then the next thing you know it's October and the holidays are approaching again! Am I shallow? I am not sure if it is my love of the material things David provides that keeps me by his side - or my love of him. What's your professional opinion, Tazi-Kat?
Signed,
Not A Gold-Digger?
Dear Not A Gold-Digger?
A few sessions with a mental health professional could help you delve deeper into what attracts you to David - be it his material wealth, his age, or just a natural attraction to the man that he is. If you grew up poor without a father-figure in your life, I could see why you would seek financial security and an older man. If you did not; well, again, a social worker or licensed counselor would be able to help you to see inside yourself. I sincerely suggest that you seek the services of one to help you figure out your heart and mind, for your sake and David's. It is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where love of the person takes a back-seat to a love of material things.
Something you said that caught my attention was that the two of you were "both miserable without each other"; yet in the next paragraph you mention that during your six months apart you dated other men, and from the sound of it had the time of your life. What was it that was making you so miserable? If it was the lack of "worldly sophistication and bank account balance" accorded these men, then I would say the answer to your question is YES; it is your love of material things that keeps you by David's side.
If marriage and children is what you truly seek in life, than I would suggest that you wean yourself off of David, because he has made it clear that this is not the life he seeks, nor is it the life he wishes to provide for you.
--Tazi-Kat
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