Man Uses Woman's Fear Of Public Toilets To Hide His Infidelity

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I have not seen addressed elsewhere, and I am embarrassed to ask my doctor about it: I am unable to defecate in a public bathroom.  I have no problem with peeing, but when it comes to farting or pooping I hold it in until I get home. 

This school year I moved away to college and my problem has caused some complications.  I only live a few hours from home, so I can return home on weekends, but a daily commute would be too much.  I thought I would have a private bathroom to share with only a few people, but my dormitory is old and has two ladies rooms per floor – which means I am sharing my bathroom with an entire floor!

I have managed to learn to “hold it in” until after everyone is asleep, but this is a college campus and people go to bed late – generally after midnight every night!  I wish I could hold it until the weekend, but I can’t.  My record is three days.

While showering today I noticed some strange bumps on the inside of my butt-crack.  They were about the size and consistency of a raisin.  I think I have anal warts!  My boyfriend insists he has been faithful to me since I went away to school and that I must have gotten them from the public toilet seat.  Could this have happened, Tazi?  I know there are all sorts of nasty germs lurking on public toilet seats, which is why I don’t like using them, but I always thought genital/anal warts were sexually transmitted.  Is my boyfriend right?  Or do you think he is lying to me?

Signed,

Itchy Down There

Dear Itchy Down There:

Your boyfriend could technically been telling the truth when he said he has been faithful since you went away to school; he could have cheated on you while you were still at home.  The fact that he blames your infection on something he knows you fear – public toilet seats – makes me believe that he is being less than honest with you.

Condyloma – the medical term for genital warts – is transmitted through skin to skin contact with an infected person.  Is it possible to contract it from a toilet seat?  Anything is possible, I suppose, but the chances of this happening are about the same as me turning green and growing a second tail.  

Now about that second tail…

Now is not the time to assign blame.  Now is the time for both you and your boyfriend to go to a doctor and get treated for this viral infection.  Left untreated anal warts can spread to the rectum and the colon, and possibly lead to anal, rectal, or colon cancer in later years.  Additionally, if you are unlucky enough to have contracted condyloma accuminatum the warts will spread and grow until your tushy looks like it has a cauliflower growing out of it!  (I have seen pictures of it in Mommie’s sexual health textbooks). 

Due to the graphic nature of such pictures, I have only linked to them here.

If these pictures are not enough to scare you into seeking medical treatment I do not know what else to tell you, except good luck in your future attempts to “pinch one off”!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  You should never be too embarrassed to tell your doctor anything!  S/he is the person you have trusted with your health; you must trust them with your behavior, too!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.