Dear Tazi:
Am I a terrible person? I have an inability to express
interest in the lives and doings of others if they do not somehow concern me. For
example, right now, my best friend is going through a prolonged illness that
will require her to have extensive surgery. When we got together for coffee
last week all she talked about was how terrible she has been feeling and how
she is hoping the surgery will correct her problems; all I heard was “blah blah
blah, me me me…”. I realize that other people’s medical problems are not
something most people want to hear about, but I feel like I could have been a
more supportive friend. Instead, I just zoned out on her.
I wish I could say that the only time I zone out on people
is during discussions about other people’s medical issues, but I don’t. I zone
out all the time – in church while the preacher is preaching, at dinner while
my husband and kids are talking about their day, with my Mom when I am on the
phone with her. I am starting to feel very self-absorbed. I have tried to be a
better listener, but all the while I am thinking about what I want to say and
wondering when it will be my turn to talk. Is there any help for me? Can you
suggest some ideas on how I can become a better listener, and thus a better part of the conversation?
Signed,
Feeling Self-Absorbed
Dear Feeling Self-Absorbed:
Recognizing your problem is half the battle. There are many
people like you who do not realize that their behavior is a problem (I will
have a letter detailing the other side of the story tomorrow). Once you recognize
that your behavior is an issue, you can work on solving the problem.
You say that when your best friend was talking about her
very real concerns all you heard was “blah blah blah, me me me”. This is a very
self-centered thing to say! Admittedly, few people want to hear the gory
details of someone else’s health issues, but you could have focused less on the
details and more on your friend’s emotional state. One good thing about
listening is that it allows the listener to steer the conversation towards a
topic that they would prefer to hear. When your friend commented that she was
hoping her surgery would cure her ills, you could have asked her what she is
looking forward to doing once she is cured. This would have directed the
conversation to happier topics that might have been of mutual interest (travel,
sports, hobbies, etc). A conversation is a two-way process that requires all to
take both an active and resting (not restive) part in it.
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| Cats aren't the only ones who are bad listeners! |
You mention that while others are talking all you can do is
think about what you want to say. I suggest that you practice being a good
conversationalist by having a conversation with yourself. Record yourself
speaking, and then play it back to listen to how you sound. Are you bored with
yourself? Do you find what you are saying detailed and interesting? Do you
pause to allow someone else to add their thoughts? In short, are you the type
of person to who others want to listen? Once you discover how you sound to
others, you might be more willing to keep your mouth closed and your ears open.
Play back your recording a second time, this time pausing
the recording to add comments or questions, as if you are merely an interested
listener and not the person speaking. Does your recorded conversation allow for
that? Good speakers can create good listeners. If what you have to say is
interesting to them, people will want to listen to you and ask further
questions of you; they may also start to mimic you, following your cues and
allowing for comments and questions and asking questions of you when they speak
to keep the conversation going back and forth.
If you find that your problem is that you lack empathy for
others rather than good listening skills and a reasonable attention span,
professional counseling may help you get to the root of your issues. I can
understand not wanting to hear all the boring details (as my Mommie’s Grandpa Eddie
used to say, “I asked you for the time, not how to build a clock”), but you
should at least have an interest in the goings-on of your family members.
Snuggles,
Tazi
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