Once A Cheat, Always A Cheat?

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years, but I am always afraid that he will cheat on me. Why? Because when we met he had a girlfriend. We were dating for six months when I found out about her, and told him it was either her or me. He chose me, which I thought was wonderful, but I recently found out from a reliable source that his first girlfriend at the time had her suspicions and was getting ready to leave him anyway. Now my victory feels quite hollow, and explains my fear that he will cheat. I feel like a consolation prize.

“Jack” is very good looking and very outgoing, so I am always nervous when he goes out somewhere without me – even if it is just to the office. He insists that I am being paranoid; that he has learned his lesson and that he would never again cheat, that it is far too stressful to handle two women, but this just makes me worry that he will simply leave if he finds another woman who interests him. I feel so insecure and sometimes wish that I had left him when I discovered he was cheating on his girlfriend with me. I consider leaving still, but two years is a long time to be with someone, and a large investment of my life. I would like to get married and have children sometime within the next few years, so I am unsure if I should give up what I have to search for something new.

Signed,

Cheated

Dear Cheated:

Your signature speaks volumes, and I believe that you are being cheated out of the joys of a loving, trusting relationship. Have you felt this type of insecurity in past relationships, or only with Jack? The answer to this question could go a long way in helping you to decide your next move.

Two years is a good amount of time to invest in a relationship, but compared to the rest of your life it is the blink of an eye. You say that you would like to get married and have children sometime within the next few years, but you make no mention of what Jack wants. Two years from now you could be exactly where you are now – insecure and hoping for a proposal that may or may not happen.

You state that you feel like a “consolation prize”. Did you at first feel like a trophy when Jack “chose” you over his other girlfriend? If so, this could have colored your view of the situation, presenting things different than the reality that surrounded you. I believe that you know what you need to do, even if it is not necessarily what you want to do, and that is leave Jack and get over this cheat. Yes, I called him a cheat. Although I do not subscribe to the idea of once a cheat always a cheat, I do not get the impression that Jack has said or done anything to reassure you that he has changed; if he truly loved you, he would be making every effort to make you feel that way, starting by assuaging your insecurities, not by calling you “paranoid”.

I strongly suggest that you seek professional counseling before making any major decisions. It appears that you have lost your sense of self-worth somewhere along the line; a counselor can help you to find it and to assist you in finding the path that is best for you to take – with or without Jack by your side.

Snuggles,

Tazi


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