Beautiful Friend Needs To Develop Her Talents

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is outstandingly beautiful. This woman could be a Miss America if she competed in pageants, that's how pretty she is. However, her looks are all she has going for her. She has zero brains and little talent. She works as a receptionist for an office in a busy downtown area, and that is about all she can handle intellectually.

My problem with "Jasmine" is that she is skating through life on her looks. Doors open for her - literally and figuratively - on her good looks. She dates rich guys who buy her whatever she wants, regardless of the cost; she never has to pay for drinks when she goes out somewhere because there is always a line of guys looking to buy her one; and she always gets a good deal on stuff she has to buy herself because her looks make an amazing bargaining chip! I had to pay near sticker for my car while Jasmine got hers for near cost (the salesperson told her she would be "good advertising" for the dealership if she was seen driving one of their cars).

The worst part of all of this is that Jasmine has a heart of gold. After a recent upset regarding her looks, she told me not to hate on her because she is beautiful; that once her looks go people won't give her a second glance while I will be just fine because I am smart and charming. I don't think she meant to give me a backhanded compliment, but that is how it sounded to me. Is there anything I can do to get over my jealousy of Jasmine - short of dreaming that she has a disfiguring car accident by crashing her brand new convertible?

Signed,
The Plain One

Dear The Plain One:

Wow, you really put a lot of emphasis on looks, don't you? While it is obvious that Jasmine is using her looks to get ahead in life, it is as she points out - looks are all she has; once they go, what will she have left?

Although I cannot say that it is fair, it is a reflection of nature that the more attractive beings get the most attention. Even among animals, those who are found to be the sexiest (like me!) get the most attention from the opposite sex, while those who are the cutest and cuddliest (also like me!) get the most attention period. Lucky for me, I wake up looking this fabulous. Humans have to work at it.

I tend to force Mommie to take the extra 15 minutes for cuddles!

I am certain that Jasmine does not roll out of bed looking picture perfect. I am also sure that she invests a great deal of money, as well as time, into looking as amazing as you claim. I doubt she goes to Supercuts for a trim and a highlight, or to the little Korean place on the corner (the one that looks like a bomb hit it) for her manicures. Do you think she uses Suave or Paul Mitchell hair products? Or maybe a Flowbee? How much do you think her makeup costs? Looking beautiful is like cooking or baking: if you start with top of the line ingredients you are going to make something amazing, even if you aren't a very good cook. Have you ever seen a picture of Pam Anderson without her makeup?

Yup. This is her sans warpaint!

Now you have, and are probably wishing you hadn't since it spoils the fantasy she likes to create. The next time you get to hating on Jasmine for her looks, try to imagine her as she wakes up in the morning - bad hair, bad skin, and bad breath. Feeling a little better?


Since she is a friend of yours, rather than hate on Jasmine for her looks, why not encourage her to develop new talents? A receptionist is a position that requires a remarkable speaking voice. Might Jasmine look into using her voice professionally, as a voice-over artist? Encouragement from someone that she sees as "smart and charming" may be what Jasmine needs to depend less upon her looks and more upon her professional talents to become more than just a pretty face. This, in turn, will show you that you are more than just "The Plain One" when reflected against Jasmine's beauty. In fact, you may see what Jasmine sees - a smart and charming career woman who she admires.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Perfection Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend, "Martha", who is perfect in every way possible. Her house is always immaculately clean, her children perfectly poised, and her figure like that of a movie star. Martha's husband is equally good-looking, holds a very impressive job where he makes six-figures, and is as devoted a husband as I have ever seen. Meanwhile, I am 40 pounds overweight, my kids are forever getting dirty, my house looks like a tornado hit it, and my husband is just an Average Joe. I feel like Fred and Wilma Flintstone to Martha's Barney and Betty Rubble. The worst part is, Martha has never, ever given me a reason to dislike her. In fact, she is one of the sweetest people you would ever want to meet; always the first to lend a hand, or to compliment the work of others.

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible person for wishing SOMETHING bad will befall Martha - after all, into everyone's life a little rain must fall, right? Other times, I feel terrible about wishing ill on someone as nice as Martha. What is wrong with me, Tazi? I love my husband and my children, and I think I have a pretty good life...until I see all that Martha has, and find myself wanting more.

Signed,
Green-Eyed Monster

Dear Green-Eyed Monster:

From your signature, I believe you already know what is wrong: You are jealous of all that Martha has, and are thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Try to remember that the reason for that may be because that is where the cesspool is hidden.

Rather than concentrate on what you do not have that Martha does, why not try to concentrate on all that you do have? Your husband may be an "Average Joe", but is he dependable and loving and a good provider? What is so "average" about that? Your children may be "forever getting dirty", but that means that they are outside playing and having a good time, instead of sitting in front of the TV playing video games. As for your figure, are you unhappy with how you look? Or only how you look in comparison to Martha? You are correct in thinking that Barney and Betty Rubble were the more glamorous couple when compared to Fred and Wilma Flintstone; but Fred and Wilma were a great couple in their own right! (Remember, Betty and Barney were not without their own issues, having suffered infertility! Bam-Bam, you may recall, was adopted).

The next time you find yourself wishing something bad will befall Martha, try to remember all of the blessings in your life; and recall the story of Richard Cory, a poem by the New England writer (he was from Maine) Edwin Arlington Robinson. You will never know the full story of someone's life until you are able to walk a mile in their shoes. A little rain must fall into everyone's life, but there is a chance Martha received her share at an early age. Try to be happy for your friend's blessings, and I am certain she will count you among them. Good friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. For those who are interested, below is the poem I mention...

Richard Cory
by Edgar Arlington Robinson (1869-1935)

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favoured and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good Morning!" and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich, yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine -- we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread,
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet in his head.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Average" Person Doesn't Know How Special She Really Is!

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am an average person. I have an average income for someone my age, I am average looking, I live in an average neighborhood, drive an average car...I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture: I am boring. My best friend "Kate" is the exact opposite of me. Kate is fascinating. She is the woman that every person wants as their best friend - why she picked me, I have no idea. Kate is the woman who always looks completely put-together from the moment she rolls out of bed; I am the woman who looks like she could use a makeover. Kate is the woman who leads a charmed life; I am the woman who struggles to accomplish mediocrity.

Kate gets straight A's in school with what appears to be minimal effort. She is organized and disciplined without being a total geek; she has her choice of guys to date, but says she does not have time for a serious commitment, and does not wish to involve herself in a casual relationship. In other words, she is single by choice. Kate is the leader of every cool committee or club in school, and she manages to delegate responsibility so well that people actually want to do the work for her - she never has to beg people or do more than her share of work because it did not get done by those who fell through on their word. Every promise people make to Kate is honored.

The other day, Kate confided in me that she is feeling "rather blue"; that her life is not what she would like it to be and that she feels like she cannot be herself any more - like she has to be the person people have come to think she is at all times. Quite honestly, I was shocked because she makes it look so easy; and even though I hate to admit it, I was glad that Kate is unhappy. I mean, why should one person get to hog all the happiness? I realize this makes me a horrible friend, and I would like to somehow get over these feelings. I have no money for counseling, and would feel weird talking to a total stranger. A cat on the other hand...well, talking to a cat feels right. Can you offer me any words of advice, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Average Jo

Dear Average Jo:

As a cat, I can understand why you would be jealous of your friend Kate because many people are jealous of me and the life that I lead. Because I am a house-cat, people assume that my life is all naps, treat, soft blankets, more naps, and play-time; but I do have some very serious responsibilities! I keep the backyard rodent population under control, guard my Mommie while she sleeps, and tolerate all of the hugs and snuggles household visitors seek of me. On top of all this, there are times when I would actually like some affection but everyone is too busy to give me some! Has it occurred to you that maybe this is how your friend Kate is feeling? That she is so busy being all that people expect of her that she does not have time to just let it all hang out?

It's not all spa days and catnip toys, you know!

As for Kate's looks, as beautiful as I think my Mommie is, I have learned that no woman "rolls out of bed" looking completely put-together. Your friend Kate is no exception to this, and I am certain she has bad hair days just like everyone else - she has just learned to hide them better, and that could very well be the crux of Kate's blue mood. When we hide our true feelings, negativity builds up inside of us - just as it has been building up inside of you!

You may want to find some time to spend with Kate, just the two of you. Go grab a coffee or lunch, and be honest with her as you have been with me. Tell her you are feeling jealous of how amazing she is, and how average you feel you are. I am sure that in Kate's eyes, you are anything but average - after all, you are her best friend, and that means you are someone very special in her eyes. Take the time to find out who the real Kate is - the woman behind the perfect image. You may discover that she has been so busy pretending to be herself that she no longer knows who she truly is. Often times, the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence, but that is because the cesspool lies directly beneath it.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Jealous Brother-In-Law Sows Trouble Where There Is None

Dear Tazi:

I am a happily married woman, a full-time Mom, and a part-time worker outside my home. My husband works very hard at his job so I can stay at home with the children and work part-time while they are in school. He handles all of the yard work while I do the inside cleaning; he washes dishes and I do the laundry; and for the most part we split all of the house chores 50/50. I have a very satisfying life that I would not trade for anything. What is my problem? My brother-in-law “Julian”.

Julian never misses a chance to criticize his brother “Joseph”, suggesting that he does not work hard enough; that he doesn’t help out enough around the house; and that he doesn’t spend enough time with the children. Julian – who is twice divorces – says he is only trying to “help” my marriage so Joseph and I do not end up traveling the road he did – twice. Julian does not have children, and both his wives made more money than him, which is another reason they continued to work full-time after they got married. I see absolutely no comparison between our marriages.

My husband and I recently had a HUGE fight about a man I work with who refuses to respect the boundaries set between us. My husband is not usually the jealous type, but this one guy sets him off. Apparently, he made mention of it to Julian during their weekly golf game because Julian rushed right in to “comfort” me “on the impending failure of my marriage” and told me he understood my desire to be unfaithful. Tazi, I have no such desire! Thankfully, my husband believes me when I tell him that.

Should I just ignore Julian’s “help” even though it bothers me? Or should I tell him to mind his own business once and for all? My husband suggests that I consider the source and let sleeping dogs lie, but for some reason this is renting space in my head.

Signed,

Happily Married

Dear Happily Married:

I think the question you need to be asking yourself is WHY Julian’s behavior bothers you so much. Do you feel like he is coming on to you when he tries to “comfort” you? Are you upset because you feel he is putting down your husband? Is it something else entirely? Once you figure out why Julian’s behavior is so bothersome you will be able to figure out how to react and respond to it.

If you think Julian is just jealous of all that his brother has – loving wife, children, happy marriage – I suggest that you let his comments slide; responding to them will only serve to further stoke Julian’s jealousy and his search for reasons why your husband does not deserve a wife like you.

Make this your mantra

Most importantly, you need to talk to your husband, since he seems to think that Julian’s behavior is no big deal. While he may not be upset by it, it is upsetting to you which makes it your husband’s concern. Ask him to keep your marital issues between the two of you and out of Julian’s earshot, explaining to him that Julian has been taking things several steps too far and that you are not comfortable being around him when he reacts as he does.

In the end, the next time Julian expresses his concerns, simply smile and let him know that you appreciate his concern but that you like the way your marriage is just fine, and that you like to keep the inner workings of it between the two people directly involved in it – yourself and your husband. Repeat as necessary.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Attitudes, Like Dirty Diapers, Are Difficult To Handle

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who always claims that I steal her ideas. When we go shopping together and I see something I like, she claims that she was "planning on buying it" for herself and that if I buy it she can't. Of course, when I don't buy it she makes a huge fuss and tells me not to act like such a martyr.

When our daughters were turning 1 (they were born only a month apart, which is how I met "Carla") I planned a large, Sesame Street themed celebration complete with a person I hired to dress up like Elmo during the party. I requested no gifts for my daughter, but asked for children's books to be donated to the local children's hospital. Of course, Carla claimed that she had planned something similar, right down to the charitable giving. She further claimed to anyone who would listen that she did not do it because I had "stolen" her idea, which is why she had a small backyard party for family only.

Personally, I am a little scared of Elmo...

Our daughters are now 18 months old, and I have not been spending as much time with Carla because in addition to running around after my toddler, I am expecting another baby! My husband and I are thrilled, and decided to share the news with everyone via an email birth announcement and a pregnancy web page we created through a free site. I know this sounds over the top, but my husband is a Web Designer, and he wanted to do his part to be involved with my pregnancy.

Everyone I know has been happy for me, and has said that they love the website, which includes (among other things) photos of my husband and I turning our home office back into a third bedroom and a "Guess the sex of the baby?" button where people can vote for whether they think I will have a boy or a girl. Guess who has accused me of being insensitive to her attempts to get pregnant, and of stealing her idea for a pregnancy website? Yup, it is Carla!

Tazi, I had no idea that she was trying to get pregnant - she never said anything - and as for the website being her idea, the woman has zero social media presence! I find it hard to believe that she would go from nothing to all-in overnight. How, how, how should I deal with this woman, short of cutting her out of my life, which I am afraid is what is going to happen once my pregnancy hormones kick-in?????

Signed,
Expecting More Than A Baby

Dear Expecting More Than A Baby:

It is obvious that Carla is extremely jealous of you and your style and creativity. As annoying as this is, there is nothing you can do to change Carla, so you will have to work on how you react to her. If there is an article of clothing you wish to buy and Carla exclaims that she wants it, buy it anyway and joke that you will call her before you get dressed so you don't look like twins (or so you can look like twins, whichever your preference). Should you be making plans for a party and Carla claims you are stealing her ideas, suggest that she go ahead with it anyway because children's charities can always use more assistance.

If Carla continues to rain on your parade over your current and ongoing project (your pregnancy website), encourage her to create her own and ask for the link so you can post it on your site so mutual friends will know about it. Basically, turn Carla's complaints into an effort to make her feel more included. If this does not stem the flow of complaints it should at least make her see that you are onto her little game.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Accident Leads To Anger, Jealousy - And A Need To Move On

Dear Tazi:

A few years ago I was in a car accident. I was not hurt, but my car was totaled. It was an old car, with over 300,000 miles and not much book value to it, but it ran. The person who hit me was uninsured, and had almost no assets so I couldn't even sue him personally to collect on my loss. My insurance company paid me a just under $1,000, but there was no way I would find a reliable used car for that kind of money - I looked! I ended up having to buy a new car.

The guy who hit me was held for financial responsibility and had his license suspended. He filed for bankruptcy a few months later, and discharged this claim against him, and got his license back. I thought that was the last I would ever see or hear of him, but then a few weeks ago the local paper reported that he won $10,000 on the lottery! In the story he was quoted as saying he planned to buy a new car, since he lost his in an accident a few years ago and blah, blah, blah...

Tazi, I wanted to punch this guy in the face! Who does he think he is? I had to borrow money and pay interest on it to get a used car through a dealership and am still paying it off and this guy gets to drive something new? How fair is that? I contacted my lawyer to ask if I had a case against him but was told that I don't; the initial case was settled when I collected against my own insurance. I looked the guy's phone number up and left a message, but he never returned it. I have written a letter to the local paper explaining why the guy doesn't have a car, but it didn't get printed. I just feel like this guy owes me something. Right now, I am resisting the urge to break the windows on his new car.

My girlfriend says I should let this go, that I needed a new car anyway and that the insurance settlement gave me my down payment. This is true, but I can't let go that this guy gets a new car interest free. What's your take on things, Tazi?

Signed,
Angry and Aggravated

Dear Angry and Aggravated:

My take on things is that you got dealt a horrible hand in this situation and that busting out this other man's windows - or in any other way harassing him - will only make things worse for you. As hard as this is, you need to let go of your anger; if you can't do that on your own, try seeking professional help from a licensed counselor.

Not to make you angrier, but you are only seeing one side of the story - your own. Has it occurred to you that this other man's life has probably not been a bed of roses these past few years? You say that he had "almost no assets" and then had to declare bankruptcy. He had to be hard up if he could not pay financial responsibility of less than $1,000.  Bankruptcy is not a choice to be made lightly.

With a recent bankruptcy on his credit, this man is probably seen by many as unreliable. This will have made it difficult for him to find a job or advance at a job or rent an apartment. He will also be unable to finance a car, and after Uncle Sam takes his share of the lottery winnings, this man will have about $7,000 left over. I realize that is $6,000 more than you got for your car, but it is hardly enough to buy a new car; in today's market it might buy a 10 year old vehicle (not including sales tax, registration fees, etc.). Are you feeling a bit better now?

Life has handed you lemons, I am not denying you that, but I doubt the other guy's life is the bowl of cherries you think it is. Concentrate on moving on with your own life, and seeing the positive side of the situation. As your girlfriend pointed out, you needed a new car, and the insurance settlement gave you more than you would have received in trade for your old car; as you have pointed out, you were not injured in the accident. Those are two things to be thankful for; I suggest you keep busy by looking for more.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife's Puss In Boots Obsession Leaves A Puss On Husband's Face

Dear Tazi-Kat:

Since my problem involves a cat (sort of) I thought I would write to a cat for an answer. My wife of seven years is in love...with "Puss" from Puss in Boots. Ever since his first appearance in Shrek 2, when he makes that wide-eyed pleading look, "Elaina" has been hooked. Now that Puss has his own movie, she is beside herself with excitement and has gone to see it over thirty times so far - and it has only been in theatres for a few weeks!

Our young sons are thrilled that their Mom loves Puss as much as they do, and they run around the house imitating the feline and intoning lines from the movies in a pretty darn good imitation of the character. This sends Elaina into fits of laughter, which in turn grates on my nerves. I hate to admit it, but I think I am jealous of her affection for Puss! Is this normal? Is it healthy? Or am I crazy for feeling this way?

Signed,
Bootless

Dear Bootless:

If you read my profile, you will see that Puss is one of my personal heroes, so I will try to remain unbiased...but will you just look at those wee little boots? How many cats do you know that can wear boots?

The feelings you are feeling are perfectly natural, so I would not say you are crazy. Your wife has become obsessed with Puss (not that I can blame her! Have you seen how well he dances?) and the attention and affection that she would normally shower upon you is being directed towards an animated character. The fact that Puss is not a real physical being does not make this slight any less hurtful, but is probably what is making you question why you feel so jealous.

The next time your wife starts to gush over Puss, remind yourself that if Puss were in fact a real-life feline like me, your wife would probably run screaming from the room when confronted by a talking cat who walks on his hind legs, dresses in "no pants" pants, carries a sword, and parades around on his hind legs wearing thigh-high boots.

In the meantime, try to understand what it is about Puss that your wife loves so much: he is brave; he is romantic; he is a good dancer; and he is attentive to the ladies, making each woman he sees feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Plus, that sultry voice! Women love him and men want to be him! He is the feline version of the dude from the Dos Equis commercials! Oh, now I'm gushing...sorry about that.

In order to woo your wife away from Puss and back into your arms, try to incorporate some of Puss' traits into your relationship with your wife on a day-to-day basis. Sweep her off her feet and tell her she is beautiful, dance with her in the kitchen when there is no music playing, kiss her like you did the very first time, offer her a glass of leche - or wine, if that is what she prefers - and tell her how much you love her! Such efforts will not go unnoticed, and she will be sure to take more notice of you...and less of that dashing feline in the expensive footwear.

--Tazi-Kat