New Mom Doesn't Need This Kind Of "Help"

Dear Tazi:

I am a new Mom. I am writing this using the voice-typing feature on my phone as a I hold my sleeping newborn, so please understand and correct the lack of punctuation and any spelling errors you incur. Why am I taking the time I do not have to write this to you? Because my mother-in-law is driving me nuts and my husband is siding with his Mom.

My beautiful baby girl is the first grandchild for my mother-in-law, but the fifth for my Mom (my older brother has four children). This is my first baby, and my mother is just as excited over her birth as I am. I was very nervous about giving birth, so I asked my mother to be in the delivery room with me, since she has gone through this several times herself (I am the third of seven children). My mother-in-law took her lack of invitation to join me in the delivery room as a personal slight, and my husband also got on my case about it, saying it was not “fair” that my mother got to witness the birth but his mother did not. He actually threatened to stay out of the delivery room if his mother could not join us, but did not follow through when I ignored his threats and focused on not stressing during my final month of pregnancy.

I came home from the hospital to find my mother-in-law waiting for me. She immediately grabbed my sleeping newborn out of her carrier and told me that it was “her turn” to spend time with the baby, since my mother and I got to hold her in the delivery room. Tazi, my child is not a trophy! Not once did my mother-in-law visit us in the hospital, where she could have held my baby during her waking periods. My husband was no help at all – he just looked at me and said that since his Mom was taking care of the baby I could take care of dinner! I burst into tears, grabbed my baby, and ran into my bedroom. My mother-in-law blamed my reaction on “fluctuating hormones” and suggested that I was too unstable to care for my own baby. For the past two weeks she has been coming over every day (my husband gave her a key after I locked her out of the house) to offer what she calls help and what I call terrorism.

I have tried to discuss this matter with my husband, but he has accused me of trying to put distance between us and his mother; he says that I am trying to make my mother the only grandmother our little girl will ever know. Tazi, I would appreciate help with the new baby, but not the kind of help his mother offers, which consists of waking her up to hold her and telling me everything she thinks I am doing wrong, from swaddling incorrectly to not vacuuming thoroughly enough. I can’t even push a vacuum right now, but do you think my mother-in-law offers to do it for me? No way! She has a bad back and besides, she is “busy holding the baby”.

I am ready to call my Mom and have her come get me and the baby. I am ready to file for divorce and let my mother-in-law have her son back, since by her side seems to be where he prefers to stand. The one thing holding me back is that my Mom lives a five hour drive from me, so if I leave there will be no turning back. Am I making the wrong decision, Tazi?

Signed,

New Mommy

Dear New Mommy:

Your husband sounds like a first-class Momma’s Boy, and if marriage has not changed him I doubt he is going to cut the apron strings any time soon. An intervention needs to occur before the road to divorce is the only one left to travel.

Your mother-in-law appears to be suffering from feelings of insecurity and a fear of being left out of her son’s life. She appears to want all things to be equal, regardless of the logistics. She also appears to have a screw loose! While it is understandable that she is excited to be a Grandma and wants to spend time with her newborn grandchild, she must know that it is wrong to awaken a sleeping baby! Her motives appear selfish and self-serving, and your husband is living under her thumb. I realize that this is not the life you want for your daughter, to be ruled by manipulation and guilt, but leaving should not be the immediate answer.

I suggest you set up a visiting schedule for your mother-in-law, based upon the baby’s sleep schedule. Let your mother-in-law know that she may visit for one time block per day during the baby’s waking hours. If she wishes to visit while the baby is asleep she will be put to work, helping with the laundry, mopping the floors, or dusting the furniture since she insists that you are doing it all wrong. Tell your husband that he needs to start standing up for you before you decide that your marriage is no longer worth fighting to fix. Be blunt; tell him it is not the “fluctuating hormones” that are speaking, but you – his wife, the woman he promised to honor above all others. Once he sees how serious you are, he might be willing to change.

If after a few months things are still not working, a trial separation may be what is needed. I strongly urge you to seek legal counsel before doing this in order to arrange for proper financial support for your baby and to settle any visitation issues before they arise. A five-hour one-way drive will require that your husband come to see the baby at your mother’s house; there is no way an infant will stand for being separated from her mother for an entire weekend – especially if you are nursing. I do hope that it does not come to this; a loving, two-parent household really is what is best for a child. I will pray for you and your baby.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Whirlwind Romance Results In A Baby...And A Father Who Does Not Know He Is One

Dear Tazi:

Last summer, I fell madly in love with a carny [carnival worker] when the state fair came to town. Last month I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I will let you do the math and figure things out from there. "John" does not know that I got pregnant because by the time I knew, the fair had moved on to a new town and the cell phone number he had given me was disconnected.

The carnival is scheduled to come to town again this summer, and I see no reason why John would not be working it again, since he told me he has been working for the same carnival for the past ten years. I would like to approach him about child support for our daughter, but I am not certain how to go about doing this. I would also like to be able to rekindle our relationship, but I am not so dumb to think he would quit his travelling job to settle down with me and the baby. Besides, he needs an income to support our daughter.

My friends think I am foolish for even considering approaching John, that he probably gave me a fake name a fake background and a fake cell phone number just to get me into bed, but I am not so certain. I think what we had was love at first sight - he seemed just as sad as I did to be moving on after only a week. My baby girl will need a father in her life, and he is the only one she has. I also think it would be wrong of me to deny John the opportunity to have a relationship with our little girl. What do you think, Tazi? Should I approach John when he returns to town; and if so, how?

Signed,
Baby Mama, Maybe More

Dear Baby Mama, Maybe More:

If I were you, I would stop dreaming about the "maybe more" part you are hoping for and concentrate on the part about being a "Baby Mama" because one thing is for certain: you are now the mother of a newborn baby who needs you to remain realistic. The reality of this situation is, your friends are probably right - you were duped by a guy who wanted only one thing, and a baby was not it. You should get started now in your search for John. Do not wait until the carnival arrives in town two or three months from now.

Your first step towards collecting child support for your child should be to contact an attorney. Give him/her the business name of the carnival that John worked for; plus any business contact information for that carnival. If you do not have it or cannot find it, an attorney should be able to look it up in the county records. In order to operate, the carnival would have had to have an operating license issued to them, which would include contact information. If you have a picture of John, give that to the attorney, as well. John may very well be a fake name, but the Human Resources department for the carnival company will have a photo ID of John on file, and the picture can be matched up with the real name, address, and phone number.

Once your attorney has tracked down John, a paternity test will have to be done. This will be required by any court before child support will be awarded. I suggest that you prepare for things to get ugly between you and John. Even if he says he is thrilled to be a father, you know very little about this man so I strongly suggest that you do not allow him time alone with your child. In a worst case scenario, she could end up at the local fire station or other anonymous baby drop-off location just before John heads out of town again.

Once paternity has been established John will be required by law to pay a percentage of his income for child support. Keep in mind that your little girl may not be the only child he has, so you could end up getting a very small amount of money in return for allowing him parental rights. This trade-off may not be worth what you receive, so I advise that you listen to your attorney's advice before accepting any type of financial support from John.

I offer you my sincerest sympathies on your heartbreak, and wish you the best of luck as you begin your new life as a Mom. Do your best to raise her well.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Mom Has Separation Anxiety

Dear Tazi:

I am the mother to a beautiful, healthy eighteen month old baby. He is my first child, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. I would give my life to keep him safe, and that is no exaggeration. My problem is, I am dreading the idea of going back to work because it means leaving my precious baby in the care of strangers at a day-care all day. A baby needs his mother!

I have asked my husband about remaining a stay-at-home-mom until our son is old enough to attend pre-school, and then returning to work on a part-time basis until he starts school, when I would work mother's hours until he is old enough to be able to stay on his own. I realize this is an investment of several years of my life, but I am willing to do whatever I must to give my son the very best life possible. My husband, on the other hand...

Tazi, "Frank" has told me that I have to return to work as soon as possible, that i have stretched my maternity leave long enough and that we need my paycheck to survive. Tazi, Frank is a skilled worker who makes a much bigger paycheck than I do, and with the cost of day-care taking up 50% of my take-home pay the amount of money I bring in could easily be made up if Frank were to pick up an overtime shift once a week. Overtime is plentiful at his job, so it is not an issue of whether or not he can get it but of whether or not he will take it.

When I suggested this idea to Frank, he flat-out refused to commit to working overtime so I can stay at home with the baby. He said his job is stressful and tiring enough without having to take on an extra shift that would take him away from me and the baby for an extra 14 hours a week (Frank works 12 hour shifts, with an hour commute each way). Each of us thinks the other is being selfish. I am considering telling my employer that I have decided to be a stay-at-home-mom and let the chips fall where they may (since I think they may have already figured that out), but I don't think this will go over too well with my husband, who is already jealous of the time I get to spend with the baby while he is at work. Who do you think is right, Tazi - me or my husband?

Signed,
New Mommy

Dear New Mommy:

First let me congratulate you and your husband on the birth of your first child! Becoming a parent is a joyous, stressful, life-altering event as I am certain you are discovering! Having seen new moms and their babies before, I have witnessed the incredible bond between mother and child and can see why you would not want to leave your child in day-car to return to work - especially if you will essentially be working a 40 hour week for half the paycheck. However, I can also see your husband's side of the story.

You say that Frank is "jealous" of the time you get to spend with the baby while he is at work. If this is true, I can see why he would become resentful at the idea of working an additional 12-hour shift every week in order to make up for the loss in pay as you spend even more time with your child. I can tell you that this resentment would build exponentially if you were to force his hand by quitting your job, so I do not advise that you do this. Rather, I suggest that you and your husband sit down and discuss the issues that are on your mind.

You feel strongly about being a stay-at-home-mom, and have your reasons for feeling this way. Your husband has strong feelings about your returning to work, and his feelings are equally valid. You believe that a child needs his mother; which is something you can provide by staying at home. Your husband believes that your family needs both the extra paycheck and the presence of a father, something he can provide if you return to work. By suggesting that Frank take on an overtime shift every week, you reduce him to nothing more than a paycheck (in his eyes) which is very hurtful; by demanding that you return to work for (essentially) half-pay is equally hurtful to you. Additionally, the fact that you planned out the next several years of your life without asking for your husband's input had to hurt him. The two of you need to stop hurting each other, and the only way to do this is to openly communicate with each other.

A proven way to effectively communicate is role reversal. I suggest that you and your husband find a neutral time to discuss things between you - say, after the baby has gone to bed but before you two are both so tired you are irritable. You can play the role of Frank and Frank can play the role of you. This activity will force you to think as you believe the other is thinking and reveal these feelings to the other. You may be very surprised at what you discover. Once all the cards are on the table, you will be able to see a much clearer picture and can make a decision from there.

One possibility that you may not have explored is for you to work part-time - half-days five days a week; full days two-days a week; or some combination of the two. This will cut down on the day-care bill and allow you to spend more time with your child so you don't feel so resentful about going back to work. I realize the separation anxiety you are feeling must be overwhelming; but find comfort in the fact that babies are social creatures and enjoy being around other babies. If you find that this solution does not work for you, re-visit the issue with your husband and ask again about being a stay-at-home-mom for the nect year of your son's life, after which point he will be old enough for pre-school. After a steady diet of nap schedules, dirty diapers, endless laundry, and everything else that comes with being a stay-at-home-mom to an infant, I am surprised that you do not crave the company of adults and the intellectual stimulation of an outside job.

I wish both you and your husband the best of luck, and your little one the best of health! Remember, a happy home is the best gift you can give your child.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should She Be "Forced" To Stay At Home With Special Needs Child?

Dear Tazi:

I have always been a go-getter and a career woman. I did not marry until I was well into my thirties, owned my own home, was debt-free except for my mortgage, and had a healthy savings account. My parents divorced when I was young and it sent my mother into a spiral of poverty that took her years to recover from financially, although I don't think she ever did emotionally. Because if this, I have always said that IF I married (not it is a big "if"!) I would remain financially independent of my husband, and I have. I pay the mortgage and the house remains in my name only. We have a joint checking account for bills as well as separate accounts for personal use. My pre-marriage savings account is mine alone, although we do have a joint savings account to which we both contribute. I know this sounds weird to a lot of people, but it works well for us and we never argue about money - unlike most couples we know - and I have the peace of mind of knowing that if something should happen to us as a couple I will not end up on assistance. (All this would not have been necessary if he had agreed to sign a pre-nup!)

All has worked well in our marriage until last month, when I found out that the baby I am carrying has Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome). Because I am older for a first time mother (I am now 41) my doctor wanted to check for it, and sure enough it appears that my child will have Down's Syndrome and all of the challenges that go along with it. While it is a huge shock and not what I expected, I am handling things in stride; my husband is not.

As soon as I was able I started looking into programs and early intervention to help give my baby the best life possible! I have joined a support group and am learning how to be a good mother to a special needs child, and I have even met the children of some of my group members - all are very sweet and well behaved, some are even participants in the Special Olympics! Taking charge of my situation by preparing for what comes next has helped me to focus my life, and I feel that continuing to work full-time will help me not only to provide for my child financially, but will make me a better mom by not forcing me to give up a career I love to stay at home with a baby.

My husband thinks it is "ridiculous" that I would even consider continuing to work full-time and is insisting that I quite my job and make "Junior" my life from this point forward. I have only just entered my third trimester, and my doctor says it is okay for me to continue working while pregnant. My husband wants me to give my two weeks notice now. We have had some heated discussions over this, and neither of us will budge. My husband has accused me of not wanting to give up financial control (to which I responded, "now who is being ridiculous!"). He has offered to take over the mortgage if I put his name on the house (I refused); he has tried to guilt me saying, "a baby needs his Mama, and a special needs baby needs her even more" (like I hadn't already realized this). He has even gone so far to suggest that I don't love our baby and that is why I am planning on "abandoning him" to care-takers while I work.

Tazi, I do not see leaving my child in the care of professionals trained to work with special needs children as abandoning him! It is not like I will be institutionalizing him! Plenty of parents send their children to day-care; this is simply a day-care that specializes in working with children who have Down's Syndrome! I have suggested that my husband quit his job and be a stay-at-home father, which just raised more issue - the fact that I make more money than he does, his idea that men are not as as capable with children as women, and again his idea that I somehow feel the need to financially dominate in the face of my fears of divorce.

I love my husband, and I do not want to divorce him - ever - but he can make decisions, too. Now that I have a baby on the way, I feel that is all the more reason to look out for my pre-marital financial interests. How can I make my husband see that I am not being selfish? That everything I have planned is for my baby's future?

Signed
Expecting A Special Boy

Dear Expecting A Special Boy:

I can understand your desire to remain financially independent from your husband, given your personal history; your mother's divorce left some deep scars when it imparted some deep wisdom upon you. Since it is too late for you and your husband to sign a pre-nuptial agreement you will have to work within the confines of your state laws. Some states have community property laws (most famously California, less well-known is Massachusetts); this means that all property becomes marital property, regardless of whether or not it was owned before or after you married, and will be split accordingly should the marriage be legally dissolved.

Since your husband is putting such pressure on you to retire to motherhood and depend on him for financial security - as well as grant him partial ownership of your domicile - you should talk to an attorney about your legal rights in this situation. If you live in a non-community property state your rights will be different than if you live in a community property state. You may discover that you can grant him a percentage of your house, as opposed to half ownership, which may ease his mind about which you love more - him or your property.

From what you describe, your husband is using your child to increase his own sense of worth in your relationship. This is an issue best handled in a marriage counselor's office. It could be that your husband solely concerned about your child and that he really is a complete doofus around babies, and if that is the case a counselor - and some parenting classes - will better help him adjust to the reality that he will not be as inept a parent as he thinks. If he is not attending the group therapy sessions that you are attending, he needs to start. The two of you are partners in a marriage and will be partners in parenting so it's time to start acting like partners and working together!

Even if you can do it all yourself!

After your child is born you will be medically required to take some time off of work. Can your husband take paternity leave during this time so the two of you can bond with your son together? This would really be the best for all involved, as each of you will be able to see how the other is managing emotionally and as a new parent. You will be able to learn from each other and make decisions as a couple. You may discover that you want to take a few years off from the office or work from home; your husband may see how your work fulfills you in a way that makes you a better mom while at the same time discovering that being a stay-at-home father is exactly whast he has always wanted to do with his life. You may even decide that your original plan is what works best for everyone,  including your son. Like they say, a baby changes everything. Be prepared!

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Attitudes, Like Dirty Diapers, Are Difficult To Handle

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who always claims that I steal her ideas. When we go shopping together and I see something I like, she claims that she was "planning on buying it" for herself and that if I buy it she can't. Of course, when I don't buy it she makes a huge fuss and tells me not to act like such a martyr.

When our daughters were turning 1 (they were born only a month apart, which is how I met "Carla") I planned a large, Sesame Street themed celebration complete with a person I hired to dress up like Elmo during the party. I requested no gifts for my daughter, but asked for children's books to be donated to the local children's hospital. Of course, Carla claimed that she had planned something similar, right down to the charitable giving. She further claimed to anyone who would listen that she did not do it because I had "stolen" her idea, which is why she had a small backyard party for family only.

Personally, I am a little scared of Elmo...

Our daughters are now 18 months old, and I have not been spending as much time with Carla because in addition to running around after my toddler, I am expecting another baby! My husband and I are thrilled, and decided to share the news with everyone via an email birth announcement and a pregnancy web page we created through a free site. I know this sounds over the top, but my husband is a Web Designer, and he wanted to do his part to be involved with my pregnancy.

Everyone I know has been happy for me, and has said that they love the website, which includes (among other things) photos of my husband and I turning our home office back into a third bedroom and a "Guess the sex of the baby?" button where people can vote for whether they think I will have a boy or a girl. Guess who has accused me of being insensitive to her attempts to get pregnant, and of stealing her idea for a pregnancy website? Yup, it is Carla!

Tazi, I had no idea that she was trying to get pregnant - she never said anything - and as for the website being her idea, the woman has zero social media presence! I find it hard to believe that she would go from nothing to all-in overnight. How, how, how should I deal with this woman, short of cutting her out of my life, which I am afraid is what is going to happen once my pregnancy hormones kick-in?????

Signed,
Expecting More Than A Baby

Dear Expecting More Than A Baby:

It is obvious that Carla is extremely jealous of you and your style and creativity. As annoying as this is, there is nothing you can do to change Carla, so you will have to work on how you react to her. If there is an article of clothing you wish to buy and Carla exclaims that she wants it, buy it anyway and joke that you will call her before you get dressed so you don't look like twins (or so you can look like twins, whichever your preference). Should you be making plans for a party and Carla claims you are stealing her ideas, suggest that she go ahead with it anyway because children's charities can always use more assistance.

If Carla continues to rain on your parade over your current and ongoing project (your pregnancy website), encourage her to create her own and ask for the link so you can post it on your site so mutual friends will know about it. Basically, turn Carla's complaints into an effort to make her feel more included. If this does not stem the flow of complaints it should at least make her see that you are onto her little game.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #26: Let's Eradicate The Use Of "Baby Mama"

Dear Readers:

As a cat, I am often confused by your human habits – like why you leave the house to go to work instead of sleeping all day, why you dislike the dead animals we bring you, and why you have a need for caffeine in the morning. These habits all pale in comparison to the way you disrespect yourselves and each other.

There is a phrase that never fails to raise my hackles, one that will probably be getting more and more use now that Kanye West and KimKardashian are expecting a baby. The phrase – which Mr. West used to introduce Ms. Kardashian at a recent concert – is “Baby Mama”. 

UrbanDictionary.com – the leading source for up-to-the-minute definitions of cultural slang- defines “baby mama” as “The mother of your child(ren), whom you did not marry and with whom you are not currently involved.”. Further definitions go into detail of how a “baby mama” was never her “baby daddy’s” girlfriend but rather a casual sex partner or a one-night stand. Regardless of the type of past relations that brought the child into existence, the title of “baby mama” is usually used in a derogatory or passive manner, said with so little care or emotion as to impart the impression that the woman in question means nothing – and never did – to the man whose child she bore. If this is not the ultimate disrespect for a woman – to see her as nothing more than an incubator for human seed – than will someone please explain to me how much worse it can get!

Men, to call the woman who bore your child your “baby mama” denies her very person-hood; it denigrates her; it denies her the right to claim a place in your past or your present – and most likely your future – as she is denied the social position of “girlfriend”, “ex-girlfriend”, or even “ex-wife” and is referred to as someone who is connected to you exclusively through your child, as if she is nothing to you but someone you tolerate her in order to have access to your offspring. I understand that relationships end, not all of them well, and when there are children involved you cannot just walk away, no matter how much you would like to do just that. I understand that lives move in different directions, that people change, and that past feelings are washed away with time…but for the sake of your child, don’t forget those past feelings; be a real man and acknowledge your past for what it was, not how you would like to present it to future conquests. Regardless of what you would like to believe, reproducing is not manly; almost anyone can do it. Respecting your child's mother and being there to help raise your child is what a real man does.

If, at the end of the day, all your “baby mama” is to you is a woman you had meaningless sex with and see as a piece of human [garbage], it says a lot more about you as a person than it does about her; it says that you are not man enough to treat your child’s mother with the respect owed to the woman who makes up half of your child. By disrespecting your child’s mother you are disrespecting your child; by calling her [garbage] you are saying your child is half [garbage], too. If, at the end of the day, all your “baby mama” is to you is a woman you had meaningless sex with and see as a piece of human [garbage], it also says that you are more animal than human, so controlled and blinded by your sexual urges that you lack the common sense to wear a condom.

Women, I hear you cheering, but you are not off the hook here! I applaud you for choosing to raise the child(ren) that you were not planning on having, but being a Mom means earning the respect of that title, and demanding that respect once you have earned it. Be a Mother, not a muther. Resist the urge to bad-mouth your child’s father; you never know when your little one might be within hearing distance. Learn to put your wants second to your child’s needs – this may sound like a no-brainer, but this desire does not come instinctively to all women. Most importantly, do not allow anyone – from your child’s father to your own family – call you a “baby mama”! Do not embrace the term as a compliment because it is not! Do not be fooled into thinking it makes you someone in the eyes of your child's father; it makes you nothing but a notch in his bedpost!! Demand to be referred to by your name first, and then your title of “my child’s mother"; refuse to allow someone else to determine your identity, especially if that someone thinks so little of you in the first place.

Young ones are the most precious gift we can receive in this life, and like all gifts we have the responsibility to cherish them, but we also have the responsibility of raising them to be responsible, caring (or at least altruistic) beings. If the animal world can do this, surely the human world can, too. Children learn not only the lessons we teach them, but the lessons we do not realize we are teaching them. Do you want your child to see his or her mother as nothing more than a piece of [garbage]? In 2013, let’s work to eradicate the use of the term “baby mama” and work towards respecting the women who have born members of the next generation - and that goes double for the women who need to learn to respect themselves.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.