Inspired Writer Loses Sight Of All Else, Including Respect For Others

Dear Tazi:

My wife considers herself a budding author, and I want to be supportive of her in her attempts to write a novel.  She has always been supportive of me when I have had dreams to follow, but I feel I have reached the point where I need to put my foot DOWN.  My wife, on the other hand, is arguing that I am not trying hard enough to see her side of things and that I owe her an apology for being controlling and stepping on her dream.

"Nancy" decided she wanted to write a book when she saw how successful some bloggers can be when they publish their work in e-text format.  Since self-publishing is free, Nancy decided that she would follow her lifelong dream of writing a novel, since publishing it would not dip into our household budget.  With my wife being a stay-at-home-mom to our one year old daughter, money is tight.  However, I realize the need for a creative outlet and have tried my best to be supportive.

I have worked to respect Nancy's "creative time" and am helping out more around the house and with our daughter's care after work.  I am enjoying the extra Daddy time, and feel that by doing this I am being both a supportive husband and a good father.  Nancy has not complimented me once, saying as a father it is my job to help out when I am home (I work 12-hour shifts).

Nancy has taken to carrying a notebook with her wherever she goes because "you never know when inspiration will strike!"  Nancy keeps the notebook by our bed and writes when she wakes up in the middle of the night with ideas for her story.  My sleep is interrupted as well when this happens, but I keep quiet about it and try to be supportive.  Nancy will be struck by inspiration while we are out on a date (a rare treat), eating dinner, and other times that are inconvenient.  I have tolerated these interruptions until now.

Last week there was a memorial mass at church for my dearly departed mother.  During the middle of the pastor's sermon, Nancy got up and moved to the back of the church.  I was not sure if she was okay until I saw that [darn] notebook of hers!  Apparently, "inspiration" had struck right in the middle of my mother's mass and Nancy felt that it was OK to follow it!

After mass, I told Nancy that from now on when we go out the notebook stays home; that her behavior during mass was inconsiderate and inexcusable.  Nancy got upset and told me that if she didn't stop to write she would have been unable to concentrate on anything but her idea and would not have been fully engaged in my mother's mass anyway.  Nancy furthered that I should be complimented that the memory of my mother "brought on an inspiration" for her book.

It has been a week and things are still tense between us, with each of us believing the other owes an apology and an attitude adjustment.  How do you rule on this one, Tazi?

Signed,
Not a Writer

Dear Not a Writer:

Nancy's behavior was way off course.  She should never have brought her writing notebook to church.  A memorial mass is generally one hour.  If she was unable to be both physically and spiritually present during this important event than she should have excused herself and left the church, not sat in the back of the church while journaling her ideas.  Ideally, she would have shuffled her idea into the back of her thoughts until after the mass!

I often assised my Mommie in the writing of research papers and scholarly commentary, both of which can require a great deal of inspiration (which is what I provide!).

Inspiration can strike at any time or place, so your wife is smart to carry a notebook, but one must also learn to control the urge to immediately act on those inspirations.  Rather than write an entire page (or more) of text, Nancy should simply file away the main point(s) and - at a more appropriate time - jot them down on a memo pad for future reference.  Once the idea is further examined and fleshed out, not every point of inspiration sounds as great as it initially did.

An unobtrusive way to take notes is to excuse yourself to the restroom and record your thoughts.  Many phones offer a voice-record memo feature that can be used for this purpose.  Since speaking is quicker than writing, it will take Nancy much less time to record her thoughts; thus lessening the creative intrusion.  Furthermore, hearing your idea played back in your own voice can confirm or contradict your original feelings on just how brilliant an idea really is.  I believe that this could make for a fair compromise between you and Nancy.

As for who owes who an apology: It appears to me that Nancy is throwing herself into her work with great fervor - to the point where she is not considering your needs.  For this, she owes you an apology; not only for her poor showing in church but for her attitude towards you at home.  I believe that you owe your wife an apology for losing your temper with her; she is not a child, she is your wife and your equal.  Talking down to her was not right, but understandable considering your lack of sleep.  I suggest you both try to start fresh by offering each other a kiss and a snuggle - or whatever it is you humans do behind closed doors.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  Nancy might find inspiration in my list of Tazi's Rules for Successful Writing, a compilation of lessons learned from the Writing and Rhetoric professors at the University of Rhode Island!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Don't Be A Tool; Treat Others Property With Respect

Dear Tazi:

I love my wife with all my heart, and would not trade her for the world. That said, I do have one problem with her: she has a tendency to use my expensive tools improperly.

I work as a contractor, so I have a very well appropriated workshop that is full of specialized tools. My screwdrivers and such may look like something you can pick up at the local Home Depot or Sears, but trust me when I tell you they are quite specialized. I have tried to explain this to my darling wife, but she does not seem to understand that a screwdriver cannot do double duty as a hammer simply by using the opposite end of it. Last week she could not find a staple remover, so she grabbed my chrome-plated awl to do the job. I know because she forgot to put it away and I found it in the office among a pile of twisted staples.

Like I said, Tazi, I love my wife dearly and would never, ever purposely say or do anything to hurt her, but after several years of putting up with this quirk of hers I am reaching the end of my rope! Do you have any suggestions on how to get her to leave my stuff alone?

Signed,
Handy Smurf

Dear Handy Smurf:

I have always wondered finally who won Smurfette's heart - Handy Smurf or Hefty Smurf. Smurfette never did strike me as the do-it-yourself type, so you two must make a pretty good match. (Okay, I know that you aren't really a mythical blue creature, I just could not resist!).

I am sorry to hear that your wife has been digging around in your toolbox and taking things. Have you considered maybe buying her a set of inexpensive tools all her own? Many manufacturers make a variety of tools for around the home that are designed with women in mind (you can even get them in pink, so they will never be confused with your tools).

If purchasing your wife tools exclusively for her use does not alleviate the problem, might you consider putting a lock on your toolbox so she cannot get into it? Normally, I am adverse to having one spouse keep their things locked away from the other; but tools, when used improperly, can cause serious and permanent injuries. You can think of it as an investment in her health, the health of your tools, and the health of your marriage. However, before taking this step, take a moment to explain to your wife just why you are doing it. Nothing piques a woman's curiosity more than a locked box. Just ask Pandora.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #26: Let's Eradicate The Use Of "Baby Mama"

Dear Readers:

As a cat, I am often confused by your human habits – like why you leave the house to go to work instead of sleeping all day, why you dislike the dead animals we bring you, and why you have a need for caffeine in the morning. These habits all pale in comparison to the way you disrespect yourselves and each other.

There is a phrase that never fails to raise my hackles, one that will probably be getting more and more use now that Kanye West and KimKardashian are expecting a baby. The phrase – which Mr. West used to introduce Ms. Kardashian at a recent concert – is “Baby Mama”. 

UrbanDictionary.com – the leading source for up-to-the-minute definitions of cultural slang- defines “baby mama” as “The mother of your child(ren), whom you did not marry and with whom you are not currently involved.”. Further definitions go into detail of how a “baby mama” was never her “baby daddy’s” girlfriend but rather a casual sex partner or a one-night stand. Regardless of the type of past relations that brought the child into existence, the title of “baby mama” is usually used in a derogatory or passive manner, said with so little care or emotion as to impart the impression that the woman in question means nothing – and never did – to the man whose child she bore. If this is not the ultimate disrespect for a woman – to see her as nothing more than an incubator for human seed – than will someone please explain to me how much worse it can get!

Men, to call the woman who bore your child your “baby mama” denies her very person-hood; it denigrates her; it denies her the right to claim a place in your past or your present – and most likely your future – as she is denied the social position of “girlfriend”, “ex-girlfriend”, or even “ex-wife” and is referred to as someone who is connected to you exclusively through your child, as if she is nothing to you but someone you tolerate her in order to have access to your offspring. I understand that relationships end, not all of them well, and when there are children involved you cannot just walk away, no matter how much you would like to do just that. I understand that lives move in different directions, that people change, and that past feelings are washed away with time…but for the sake of your child, don’t forget those past feelings; be a real man and acknowledge your past for what it was, not how you would like to present it to future conquests. Regardless of what you would like to believe, reproducing is not manly; almost anyone can do it. Respecting your child's mother and being there to help raise your child is what a real man does.

If, at the end of the day, all your “baby mama” is to you is a woman you had meaningless sex with and see as a piece of human [garbage], it says a lot more about you as a person than it does about her; it says that you are not man enough to treat your child’s mother with the respect owed to the woman who makes up half of your child. By disrespecting your child’s mother you are disrespecting your child; by calling her [garbage] you are saying your child is half [garbage], too. If, at the end of the day, all your “baby mama” is to you is a woman you had meaningless sex with and see as a piece of human [garbage], it also says that you are more animal than human, so controlled and blinded by your sexual urges that you lack the common sense to wear a condom.

Women, I hear you cheering, but you are not off the hook here! I applaud you for choosing to raise the child(ren) that you were not planning on having, but being a Mom means earning the respect of that title, and demanding that respect once you have earned it. Be a Mother, not a muther. Resist the urge to bad-mouth your child’s father; you never know when your little one might be within hearing distance. Learn to put your wants second to your child’s needs – this may sound like a no-brainer, but this desire does not come instinctively to all women. Most importantly, do not allow anyone – from your child’s father to your own family – call you a “baby mama”! Do not embrace the term as a compliment because it is not! Do not be fooled into thinking it makes you someone in the eyes of your child's father; it makes you nothing but a notch in his bedpost!! Demand to be referred to by your name first, and then your title of “my child’s mother"; refuse to allow someone else to determine your identity, especially if that someone thinks so little of you in the first place.

Young ones are the most precious gift we can receive in this life, and like all gifts we have the responsibility to cherish them, but we also have the responsibility of raising them to be responsible, caring (or at least altruistic) beings. If the animal world can do this, surely the human world can, too. Children learn not only the lessons we teach them, but the lessons we do not realize we are teaching them. Do you want your child to see his or her mother as nothing more than a piece of [garbage]? In 2013, let’s work to eradicate the use of the term “baby mama” and work towards respecting the women who have born members of the next generation - and that goes double for the women who need to learn to respect themselves.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.