Leaving The Past Where It Belongs Can Be Difficult When Meeting Someone New

Dear Tazi:

Many years ago, when I was still young, I made some stupid mistakes and fell in with the wrong crowd.  I used and sold drugs, and ended up in jail because of it.  I have done my time and have completed my probation, and have rebuilt my life following a straight and narrow path.  I go to church, donate money to charity, and live a quiet, middle-class life.  I would like to meet a woman to share my life with, but it seems that they are all scared away by my past.

I now believe in always being honest, so my past is something I mention early on when I start seeing someone new – I do not want to be accused of keeping it secret, should a relationship develop, and I want any relationship that develops to be based upon honesty and trust.  My friends all tell me that my past is in my past and that is where I should keep it; that my honesty is scaring women away, but like I said, I can’t see myself building a relationship on a dishonest foundation.  Tazi, do you think there is a woman out there who can accept me for who I am now, while forgiving me for who I once was?

Signed,

New Leaf

Dear New Leaf:

While I congratulate you on turning your life around and becoming a productive, law-abiding member of society, I’d like to remind you that there is a difference between honesty and complete transparency.  How much of your past are you mentioning and how soon are you mentioning it?  As charming and successful as you may be now, I highly doubt that a woman wants to hear about your criminal record on a first date!  The chances of this revelation leading to a second date are, as you have probably found, slim to none.

I suggest that upon meeting a new romantic interest you take the time to get to know each other for you who are now and who you seek to become in the future.  This groundwork can take several dates to form, and will give each of you the chance to decide if you want something more from each other.  Who knows?  You may decide that the woman who interested you a few weeks ago is not your type; why would you want to reveal such personal information about your past to someone who will not be a part of your future?

Once you feel that a lasting connection is forming – either romantic or platonic – the subject of both of your pasts can be brought up in conversation.  Talk to each other about your childhoods; the morals with which you were raised; and ease into the less comfortable subjects, explaining that your past is what encouraged you to become the person you are today, and the past is where your poor behavior will remain. 

The great thing about pasts is that everyone has one, and they all contain information we would rather keep to ourselves.  The great thing about finding the right person is that they love you for who you are – past and all – and still want to be with you not in spite of your past, but because it has helped to make you the person you are today.  I wish you much luck in your search for Miss Right!  Please let me know when you have found her!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.