Younger Brother Wants Older Brother To Man Up, Mom Is An Enabler

Dear Tazi:

A little background before I tell you my problem: I was 18 when my father committed suicide.  Because he took his own life, his life insurance did not pay out and Mom would have been left destitute if I did not man up and help her.  I took my college savings - money I earned by working summers with my father since I was 10 - and used it as a down payment to buy 50% of Mom's house.  I went to the community college while working full-time to pay the mortgage. It took me several years to do it, but I have graduated a four year school and have paid off the mortgage.  I am now officially 50% owner of our house.

My problem is my older brother, "Larry".  He was 20 when Dad died and [upset] that he could no longer attend the pricey, private college that was bankrupting my parents.  He took out a bunch of student loans, partied for a few more years until his financial aid ran out, and has barely kept his head above water since.  Larry has a small apartment on the ghetto side of town, so when he entertains he prefers to bring his guests to my house.

My mother is always happy to see Larry, and since he hardly ever visits her she will take him any way she can get him, going so far as to allow him to spend the night with his female guests.  (Sorry, Tazi, I cannot call them "lady friends" as they are not ladies!).  I realize my mother has the same right to guests as I do, but a recent event has me putting my foot down.

Larry decided he wanted to throw an NFL Weekend party.  Since his apartment is small, he asked Mom if he could use our basement.  She of course said yes; I knew nothing about it until the day of the party - which lasted two and a half days!  Larry's party started on Sunday morning with the pre-game shows and went straight through Monday Night Football.  The party finally ended at 1 AM Tuesday when I kicked everyone out of the house.  Larry was upset, Mom was relieved - but still insists that Larry should be able to have parties at our house, just not on as grand a scale.

What is upsetting me the most, Tazi, is that Larry left the house an absolute pit!  What's more, he asked Mom and me if we could clean up the mess for him, since he was exhausted from entertaining his guests for two days!  Before you ask, Tazi, I would have thrown him out on his ear a lot sooner if Mom hadn't argued to let him stay, that he hasn't spent this much time "at home" since he was a kid.

Tazi, how can I get my Mom to see that Larry is using her?  I would like to exercise my rights as a homeowner, as well, but every time I try Mom gets all emotional.  I have already offered to buy her out of the house, but she refuses.  I think she knows my first rule will be no more overnights with Larry.  So, Tazi...what do you think?  Is your hair standing on end?

Signed,
Man of the House

Dear Man of the House:

My whiskers are standing on end, too!

To give your cat a full, fluffy coat, try scaring the $%#^ out of it!

I applaud your courage and your willingness to take the risks you did when you were younger, putting your own future on hold to see that your mother could have a secure one.  Just when it seems like men like you no longer exist, a letter like yours shows up in my mailbox!  (Whew!  That was more "likes" than a teenage girl can use in one sentence!).  You have learned many hard lessons in life, and it is time for you to learn one more: you cannot control how other people act, only how you react to their behavior.

It is obvious that you are the more mature of your mother's two sons; it is also obvious that your brother is holding her as an emotional hostage, ignoring her until he needs a place to party and entertain.  It is sad, really, and what is sadder is that your mother appears to realize what he is doing but feels trapped by his behavior.  On the other hand, it appears that your mother fears similar abuse from you should she sell you her half of the house.  You have made your dislike of Larry's visits well known; does your mother fear he will be unwelcome in the house if you were to own it outright?

You and your mother need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with each other.  You have taken on much responsibility from a young age (including starting work and a college savings account at the age of 10) so it is time to sit back and see where all this responsibility has gotten you in life - and to see who you have become because of it.  Are you rigid and unbending when it comes to how you run your house?  Does your mother feel like you are trying to run her life, too, or does she feel independent of you?  Do you feel like your mother still acts like the house is 100% hers so her rules are the only ones that matter?  A family counselor or clergy member would make a helpful mediator, and I hope you will consider contacting one.

Your brother Larry is obviously a manipulative person, but he is still your brother and your mother's son.  I do not suggest you push him out of your lives, but limit the length of his visits to daylight hours - unless he is alone, then you can decide if you would like to extend the invitation to stay overnight.  If he in turn refuses to visit, is it possible for you and your mother to go visit him?  Roads run both ways; it could be that Larry feels left out of the relationship that you and your Mom have with each other.  Make an effort to reach out to him and see if your mother becomes less of an emotional hostage to him.

One last thought: Larry's two-and-a-half day NFL basement bash should have never happened the way it did.  The next time he seeks to throw a party at your house, draw up a written contract that details how many people will be there, how long the party will last, the condition the basement is to be left in prior to Larry's leaving at the end of the party, and any other conditions you wish to enforce.  You, your Mom, and Larry must all sign it.  Should the rules of this contract be broken, you will have every right to demand that Larry's guests leave your house - by police escort, if necessary.

I wish you luck!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man-Child Needs To Grow Up Before It's Time To Retire

Dear Tazi:

What am I going to do with my son?  Seriously, I need to know what to do with the man!  “Robert” is 43 years old, never married, and still living with me without contributing to the household expenses.  He has never, ever moved out of his childhood bedroom and still sleeps in the twin bed he had growing up.  Robert originally went to college to study Criminal Justice because he wanted to be a police officer.  Unfortunately, after four years of college he failed the physical exam for every police force in the region due to his slow running skills.  Apparently, a police officer that cannot run fast is not an asset to the force.  Although he never told me so exactly, I believe this is what also kept him out of the Army; which he applied for after being rejected by more than a dozen police outfits. 

Robert took an unfulfilling, dead-end job in office supply sales to make ends meet when he decided what he really wanted to do was teach.  I think he liked the idea of a flexible schedule and summers off, he insisted that he wanted to “help mold the minds of the next generation”.  Four years later (spent getting a second Bachelor’s and a Masters in Education) Robert decided he did not like teaching, but would “tough it out” until he was able to pay off his student loans (I paid for his first degree only). 

Robert has spent the last ten years teaching on-again off-again and complaining how much he hates his job, calling out sick as often as he is allowed – sometimes too often, which has resulted in his termination.  Contrary to popular belief, teachers can get fired; especially if they do not have tenure or even seniority.  I showed him your letter about jobs that you can do with a degree in education that do not involve teaching, but he said he had no interest in any of them. 

Robert has now decided that the reason he has been so unfulfilled in his work and romantic relationships is because God is calling him to be a man of the cloth.  He is looking into entering the seminary to study for the Roman Catholic priesthood, which would be fine with me if it did not mean I would have to pay off the remainder of his student debts and send him a monthly stipend to ensure he does not incur further debt while “studying for God”. 

If Robert did not have such a spotted past when it came to his career, I would be more than happy to assist him in this new endeavor; however, I am afraid that Robert is looking for free room and board from someone new now that I am getting older and looking to retire to Florida.  Do you think I should take a chance on my son, Tazi?  Or should I allow him to take this leap of faith on his own?

Signed,

Losing Faith

Dear Losing Faith:

Your son is 43 years old and still trying to find himself, this is obvious.  If you would like to continue supporting him; have the means to do so; and honestly believe that the reason he has failed in all of his career endeavors so far is because he is being thwarted by God in order to push him on the right path than by all means go for it.  If you have doubts, though…

The fact that your son chose a career in which he was not physically able to perform is regrettable, but I will give him a pass.  I believe everyone is entitled to a do-over; his just happened a little sooner than expected.  The fact that your son hated teaching from the moment he set foot in the classroom leads me to believe that you are correct in thinking he was seeking summers off rather than fulfilling a desire to “mold the minds of the next generation”. 

You have done what you can in assisting your son in his quest for career fulfillment.  You have generously allowed him to live with you free of charge so he could pay off his student loans that much sooner.  You have no reason to feel guilty should you decide to let your son sink or swim on his own.  It is not like you are telling him to jump off of a cliff and promising that angels will catch him (Matthew 4:11); you have been his angel for quite some time.  If the priesthood is your son's desire, he can make a financial plan that involves paying off his student loans and saving up for his future as a seminarian – and as a Catholic priest, because the “free room and board” deal ends at retirement.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adulthood Means Making your Own Decisions, Standing By Them

Dear Tazi:

I am 25 years old and have moved out into my own apartment after finishing my Masters degree in Finance this past spring.  I have a great job, a great apartment, and great friends, but life is not all that great.  While I lived at home, my parents took care of everything for me.  I never had to worry about cooking dinner - it always just appeared on the table.  Cleaning was done by the maid and I paid a laundry service to take care of my dirty clothes and bed linens.  The cat was always fed if I did not have time to feed him, and all I had to do was concentrate on school.

Now that I am living on my own, I am discovering that life is a lot harder than I realized!  If I forget to take something out of the freezer for dinner, I still have to make dinner or pay to eat out; either that or make a sandwich or grab a bowl of soup.  I never realized how much energy it took to keep a household running - grocery shopping, bill paying, and the like all must be done on a regular schedule.  I always knew this needed to be done - I do have a graduate degree in Finance - but I also thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.

My problem is with my friends.  None of them have really grown up yet.  None of them are married and they all either still live at home or in bare-bones apartments with each other, where they can't afford furniture but have a sweet 80" flat-screen HDTV.  Because my apartment is the nicest and most well-maintained, they all want to hang out at my place.  Having my friends over once in a while during the week or on weekends is nice, but Tazi I have both work and the responsibilities mentioned above to manage!  I would like to explain this to them, but every time I try I break down and join them in having fun; after seven years of college (undergraduate and graduate school) I think I deserve a little fun.

Unfortunately, the "fun" has been interfering with my sleep schedule, and it has been showing at work.  My supervisor is a really nice man, and he asked me if I was having problems in my personal life to cause the kind of stress I am exhibiting...I lied and told him that my mother has been sick and that I have been spending my nights at home assisting her.  Tazi, I felt like such a jerk lying to my boss but I didn't know what to say!  I was afraid I would lose my job if I told the truth!

I realize what I have to do to get my life back on track: Tell  my friends that the party is over, start getting enough sleep at night so I can do my job properly in the morning, and end the lie about my Mom being sick. I am planning for her to make a quick recovery, so I can leave the lie in my past, but how can I get my friends to straighten out and see that I am serious about being a professional?

Signed,
Financier

Dear Financier:

I would say that Step 1 should be to call your Mom and apologize for dragging her name into your lie.  Your desire to cover your butt is how rumors get started; squash them immediately and resolve to never lie again!

Step 2 is to get your friends back to their apartments and end the weeknight partying.  This is a lot easier than you think; you simply explain to your friends what you have told me: that living the live of a professional is tiring, keeping a clean and organized apartment is time consuming, and you simply do not have time to party with them during the week.  Then, you lock the doors to your apartment and do not open them should your friends be ignorant enough to come knocking.  I realize this course of action will not be an easy one to take, but adulthood means making your own decisions and being responsible for the consequences.  The decisions you have made thus far are not working out for you, so it's time to try a different path.

Step 3 is to realize that you cannot force your friends to "straighten out" any more than they can force you to party with them; all you can control is your own behavior and your own boundaries.  This may put some distance between you and your friends because, sad to say, it sounds as if you have outgrown them, which brings me to Step 4:  Cultivate some new friendships.

The field of Finance is a large one, where networking can help you get ahead in the world.  I suggest that you  try joining some professional organizations and attending the events they sponsor.  You will meet new people whose lives are more in tune to your own and you will be able to promote your career at the same time.  In time, as your current friends start to grow up, they will understand your position and may or may not decide to reach out to you again.  If they do, give them a second chance; some people take more time to mature than others.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Living With Mom Post-Graduation Brings Difficulties With It

Dear Tazi:

I am almost 23 and lived on my own for the last three years of college. When I graduated and my job offer fell through I had to move home with my mother - much to her delight and my shame. My mother has always hoped I would move back home with her, feeling that a young woman should only leave home "in a white dress or a pine box". My way of thinking is much more modern. I am not financially irresponsible, and have enough money in savings to provide for all of my expenses - including rent - for several months. I moved home because I did not want to be out of work and out of savings when my student loans came due. Now I am starting to wish I had thrown caution to the wind.

I have been home for about 8 months now and my mother is driving me crazy! She expects me to obey a midnight curfew on weekends and a 10 PM curfew during the week because "respectable people are not out later than that!". If by chance I meet someone and want to go on a date she insists that he come inside to meet her before we go out (which is why I usually agree to meet people for drinks and take my own car). If I forget and leave my phone laying around she will pick it up if it rings, grilling the person on the other end of the line about who they are and what their business is with me. Mom says she is just looking out for me, but it is very upsetting to me! Potential employers could be calling and I don't want her to scare them off by making me sound like a little kid who can't take care of herself!

I have a job as a waitress, so I make pretty good money. My bills are paid and I am able to add a little to my savings every month, but I am in need of a new car and in the meantime I am sure there will be unexpected repairs, so I am not wild about the idea of moving out on my own again...but nor am I wild about staying here with my mother. Last week she decided to do my laundry for me and nearly fainted when she discovered I wear Victoria's Secret and not the white cotton briefs she used to buy me when I was a kid. It's not like I am some kind of promiscuous slut (to use Mom's phrase), but I am a woman and I want to feel like one! What would you advise, Tazi? I feel like I have no placed to go but down.

Signed,
Quickly Sliding Into Hell

Dear Quickly Sliding Into Hell:

It is obvious your mother is very conservative, on the verge of puritanical; while this is not a common viewpoint these days you are living in her house, where she sets the rules. Ergo, you must follow the rules she sets down for you, including those about curfews and introducing her to people you will be bringing into the home. Think of it as motivation to keep saving for your own place while you continue to search for a new job. (incidentally, when you meet people for drinks and drive yourself, I hope you limit yourself to one and don't drive for at least two hours after finishing it! Either that or stick to non-alcoholic beverages!).

Because your mobile phone is your personal property - as is your laundry - your mother should not be touching it. It is difficult for parents to respect their grown children as adults because they still see them as the little child they carried; however, boundaries need to be set. Try keeping your phone out of the common areas when it is not on you, and explain to your mother that potential employers will not appreciate receiving the third degree when they call to set up a job interview.

If the situation at home becomes untenable - or if it is already there - you have a few options for moving out on your own again. The first - and obvious choice - is to find a roommate or two and get your own apartment. If you do not want a roommate and don't mind living in small quarters a micro-apartment may be the right choice for you.

Only 300 square feet, but it's all yours for around $500 a month!

Many cities now offer micro-apartments that allow people to combine living spaces in order to save money - notice that there is no bedroom, only a living room that doubles as a sleeping area. Micro apartments are generally located in the downtown or common areas of cities, so there is no need for you to have a car - you are within walking distance of most places you need to go and are close to public transportation for whatever else you may need. If neither of these ideas appeals to you, I suggest you suck it up and respect the fact that your mother is allowing you to live at home rent free while you look for a job. Appreciate what you have.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unemployed Adult Son Needs To Pick Up His Efforts

Dear Tazi:

My adult son is living at home after being laid-off from his job and being unable to find work. I don't mind having "Jerry" here; he is my son, after all. I do mind the fact that he is a slob who has been treating my home like a hotel and me like his maid. I work hard all day and do not want to have to come home to a dirty house! Jerry has been here for three months now, and has not lifted a finger to help around the house or clean up after himself. Worse, he creates messes in the common areas and leaves them for me to find. I did not raise him to be this way!

When I first noticed Jerry's poor house habits, I ignored them, figuring he was preoccupied with his job search. That was a big mistake, because they only got worse from there! I thought he might be suffering from depression or some other mental illness, but all of his screenings came back negative  I have told Jerry that if he cannot clean up after himself he can find another place to live, but had no answer when he asked me "Where am I supposed to go?". I don't have the heart to send him to the homeless shelter, Tazi.

Do you have any suggestions on how to get my son to start pulling his own weight? He's 32 years old, so he is not a child, which is why I feel awkward yelling at him like he is one. I raised him to be neat and tidy, hoping I was doing his future wife a favor, but there is no news on that front, either. Where did I go wrong?

Signed,
Buried In My Own Home

Dear Buried In My Own Home:

You did not go wrong, so please do not blame yourself for Jerry's slovenly habits. You raised your son to be "neat and tidy" and presumably respectful of women. He is the one who has chosen to ignore those guidelines and go his own way. As I see it, there are two ways to deal with your problem: continue to clean up after Jerry or leave his messes for him to clean up himself. The latter may be the better way, in this case.

When Jerry leaves a mess in the common areas of the house, pick it up and place it on his bed. Now, it is his problem to deal with and he will either have to put it away or have it fall on the floor when he gets into bed at night. Do this for clothing, shoes, (clean) food wrappers, and other items he sees fit to leave laying around. Refuse to change his sheets or do his laundry for him - these are things he is quite capable of doing for himself, but will not as long as you do it for him.

Dirty dishes should be deposited in the sink, but there is nobody telling you that you have to wash them for Jerry. Eventually, he will run out of clean dishes and have to wash them himself. If Jerry complains, hand him a sponge and some soap and tell him to have at it! If Jerry complains, tell him that until he is working full-time he will be working around the house. Spring is coming and the lawn will need to be cleaned up and then mowed on a regular basis. There are probably other things that will need to be completed, as well. The economy is picking up and employers are now hiring at a good clip! If Jerry is still having trouble finding a job the trouble could be in that he is not looking hard enough. Working him around the house may be just the motivation he needs to step-up his job search.

In the end, if none of this works I suggest that  you change the locks and, weather permitting, lock Jerry outside until you come home at the end of the day. Your house will remain clean while still giving Jerry a private place to sleep at night.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.