Siblings As Roommates Can Lead To Squabbling

Dear Tazi:

I am a senior in college and will be graduating in a few months and unless a full-time job comes through real soon it looks like I will be moving back home with Mom. I would really not prefer to do this after four years of living on my own, but I cannot afford to keep my apartment on my own, and my two roommates will be moving back to their hometowns.

I started selectively putting the word out that I am looking for new roommates, telling a few trusted friends who know what I am looking for in a roommate. The problem is that my sister's boyfriend was one of those people, and he accidentally let it slip that I was looking for a roommate. I love my sister, but have no desire to live with her - which is what she wants now that she knows I am looking for a roommate.

"Janie" keeps talking about how great it will be if we live together, how it will be just like things were when we were growing up - which is the problem. When we were growing up, Janie always tried to boss me around and was constantly butting into my business. On top of this, Janie is an incredibly controlling neat freak while I prefer a more relaxed atmosphere. I am not a slob, but I do have a tendency to leave my shoes in the living room and the toilet seat up, both habits that send Janie into screaming fits of rage.

I don't want to hurt my sister's feelings, but how can I do that and get out of having her move in with me?

Signed,
Roommate Dilemma

Dear Roommate Dilemma:

The simplest way to tell your sister that you do not want to be her roommate is to be straightforward and honest without being brutally honest. Tell Janie that you have given a great deal of thought to the idea of her being your roommate, but that you are afraid that your vastly different lifestyles would drive a wedge between the two of you, and instead of growing closer as siblings you would probably grow apart. This response will not only address your desire find a roommate more compatible with your lifestyle, it will also address what I believe Janie is fearing: that as you both age, your close sibling relationship is starting to fade.

It is obvious from Janie's sentimental memories of your childhood that she remembers things differently than you, and that she cherished the time you two had together growing up. When is the last time you spent any real time with your sister? Between your studies and work and her own life's obligations, time together as siblings has probably taken a back-seat to other priorities. Now that you are moving forward in your life, why not fill some of your free time with family?

I suggest that you let Janie know that you will be continuing your search for new roommates, but would like to make a point of spending time with her - say getting together for lunch  or drinks after work once a week. Once Janie realizes that she is still important to you and that you value your relationship with her she will probably back off on the idea of being roommates - especially when you remind her of how you prefer to keep the toilet seat in the up position.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Roommate From Hell" Makes College Living Unbearable

Dear Tazi:

I just started my sophomore year of college and have been assigned the worst roommate ever. The guy is a disgusting slob. He leaves dirty sweat socks and underwear all over the place, he smells bad because he never showers, and he has got to weigh close to 400 pounds which makes him sweat like a pig. I am telling you, he is the roommate from Hell!

“Joe” and I live in the newly built dormitory on campus, and the place is state of the art so everyone wants to live in it. Upperclassmen get first choice but since so many of them move off campus into apartments a lottery is held among underclassmen for the remaining slots. This is how Joe and I got assigned as roommates.

This past summer I tore my ACL while playing soccer, so I need the bottom bunk in my room; there is just no way I am able to climb up to the top bunk. Joe refuses to take the top bunk, and I suppose that is a good thing considering his size, so he has separated the beds. This means that where there was once open space there is now a bed, making the room very, very crowded, even without a roommate that takes up a lot of space (with his stuff that he spreads everywhere; that wasn’t a crack on his size).

Joe is constantly snacking and leaves wrappers and dirty dishes and soda cans everywhere, so even though the school year just started and we live in a new residence hall, we got ants and had to have the place exterminated. Because it’s a shared room, we BOTH got written up for uncleanliness leading to room damage, so I have been docked my damage deposit. I am appealing this since it was Joe’s trash that attracted the bugs.

Last night was the final straw. It was early in the evening – only about 8:00 – when Joe flopped onto his bed and pulled out a [dirty magazine]. He started [masturbating] right in front of me! I was so freaked out and grossed out that I had to say something, to which he replied that if I didn’t like it I could leave. I ended up going to the library to read rather than hang around there, but I don’t think I should be driven from my own room because of this guy. When I got back to the room, he hadn’t completely cleaned up after himself – wadded up tissues were on the floor by his bed.

I would like to put in for a new roommate, but that means I will be the one who has to move, not Joe, and the other dorms on campus are not nearly as nice as the one I am in now – or rather, as nice as the one I am in now could be if I didn’t have to contend with Joe and his disgusting smells and habits. Everyone who has met him comments on how nasty he is, and wonders how I can put up with him. Tazi, can you think of any way I can get rid of this guy while keeping my dorm room?

Signed,

Wanting To Eat My Cake And Have It, Too

P.S. I used to tease my girlfriend about how much she “would love to have a problem worthy of print” for your column; now I have one all my own!

Dear Wanting To Eat My Cake And Have It, Too:

Where do I start? I am so excited that you phrased that old expression properly – because it is possible to have your cake and then eat it, but once you eat your cake you cannot still have it! I am also flattered that your girlfriend loves my column so much that she wants to be a part of it – thank her for me, for her loyal readership! I would argue that your teasing has earned you your predicament, but no one deserves such living conditions, so I will just sit here and appreciate the irony of your situation…mmmmmm, irony! It’s like cake for the snarky in me!

Your problem, although disgusting and extreme, is not exclusive to you. A lot of people have problems with roommates who have lower standards of cleanliness than they. Joe’s personal hygiene (or rather, lack thereof) and his personal habits cross the line between difference of personal preference into outright abuse. You should not be forced to move out of your residence hall because of this abuse.

Is he as bad as this?

If you have not done so already, I suggest you follow up on your appeal of the damage assessment of your room and tell the powers that be that Joe is the one who caused the damage and that he refuses to change his habits. Invariably, another call to the exterminator will be needed if he keeps up with his casual housekeeping and it may be possible to have him evicted for it. However, you need to document the situation. Take pictures of your room – if you can, while Joe is sitting there surrounded by his own filth – as proof of who is doing the damage.

Joe’s personal habits are a little less easy to bring under control. You cannot force a person to shower, but you might be able to report him to one of the Resident Assistant’s for his masturbating in front of you; this is a form of indecent exposure. You should not be forced to leave your room because of his behavior; if you can bring yourself to report it to an RA the next time it occurs, you can mention that it is not the first time this has happened. RA’s are trained to deal with all sorts of uncomfortable situations, and this will be further documentation of his casual and careless treatment of your shared space. Again, with any luck, Joe will be evicted from the dormitory. If eviction does not occur by the end of the semester, you may have to resign yourself to moving into a new room, and possibly into a new residence hall. It would be the lesser of two evils.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Giving Thanks For Time Away From Roommate

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am a junior in college and have a roommate from Hell situation. After living in a dorm for two years, I have moved into off-campus housing this semester. I have two roommates, one of whom I can't stand. She is loud, lazy, and inconsiderate. She leaves her dirty laundry all over the place, refuses to wash her share of the dishes, keeps her stereo on all day and all night, and is generally just a miserable person with whom to live. She is also my best friend since junior high school.

This is "Lisa's" first experience living "away" from home (we are about 1/2 an hour away from our hometown). When we both lived at home with our parents, Lisa's mother made her keep her room clean, her music at an appropriate level, and complete household chores, so I never got to see the loud and messy side of Lisa. When we agreed to live together, it was with the understanding that everything would be split three ways with our third roommate, someone who was introduced to us through my college's housing department. I thought it was understood that this meant housework as well as bills, but Lisa is not holding up her end of the bargain. Although her rent is paid on time she does nothing else to contribute to the running of our household.

Our other roommate - who is a dream to live with - is getting fed-up with the situation and has threatened to move out if Lisa's behavior does not improve; and has asked me (as her best friend) to talk to her about the situation. Thus far, I have not worked up the courage to do it, and Roommate #3's patience is wearing thin. I have been taking my stress out at the gym and not on Lisa, so I don't think she realizes how unhappy I am with her.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and I cannot wait to go home to get away from all of this for a few days; but this year Lisa's parents have decided that they are going to take a Thanksgiving cruise - just the two of them, now that they have an "empty nest". This has left Lisa with nowhere to go for Thanksgiving, and she has been loudly complaining about it for the past week. It is obvious that she is trying to solicit an invitation to my Thanksgiving table, but I really need some time away from her in order to re-evaluate our living situation from a distance and draw up a game-plan for next semester (I may be writing to you again, Tazi-Kat!).

My question is, is there a polite way to rebuff Lisa's hints for a Thanksgiving invite? And do you think ignoring her requests will irreparably damage our friendship?

Signed,
Seeking Some Peace

Dear Seeking Some Peace:

You are discovering a truth that many young people have discovered over the years: that best friends do not always make the best roommates. Since you have not let on that you are upset with Lisa, it is not fair of you to hold her behavior against her - although she will probably start to think something is wrong if you continue to ignore her hints about Thanksgiving.

Growing up is a process that occurs over time, at different rates for different people. For Lisa, this is probably the first time she has ever been left alone on the holidays and she could be feeling abandoned by her parents. As her best friend, she needs you to be there for her during this time of transition.

I realize that you need some time away from Lisa, but Thanksgiving Day isn't exactly the best day to choose. No decent person deserves to be alone on the holidays. I have no idea what Lisa's parents were thinking when they chose to take off and leave their daughter alone on Thanksgiving - their last chick may have flown the nest, but she is well within circling distance of it. Perhaps they thought their daughter's best friend would extend an invite to her table?

The Thanksgiving holiday is but one day, and most colleges and universities dismiss students the day before, allowing for a 5-day break and a nice visit home. Since you and Lisa only live 1/2 an hour away from home, you should be able to accommodate Lisa at your Thanksgiving dinner and have plenty of time alone to assess your living situation. An invite to dinner is not an invite to spend the entire week at your place.

I suggest that - with your host/hostess' O.K. - you invite Lisa to have Thanksgiving dinner with you, impressing upon her the fact that you have a lot of things do get done over the holiday break and the invite does not mean that you will be spending the entire long weekend together. Do make an effort to get together with Lisa at some point over this time, though, should she seek to spend more than just one day with you. This will go a long way towards reassuring Lisa that you can still be friends should you decide that you can no longer be roommates.

--Tazi-Kat