King Of The Castle Needs To Learn To Appreciate His Queen

Dear Tazi:

I read your letter about housework and unmade beds on Twitter and I knew that I had to write to you!

I am a stay-at-home-mom of three wonderful, active teen and pre-teen boys. This description alone should tell you what my house looks like most days, which is why I work very hard to keep up with all of the housework! I sweep and mop the tile floors daily, and vacuum every other day. The bathroom gets disinfected every day and gets a thorough scrubbing twice a week. I do at least one load of laundry a day, and iron for at least half an hour each day just to keep up with everything. This is on top of meal planning/cooking, grocery shopping, bill paying, and taxiing my sons to their various sports practices and games. Yes, my life is hectic but I would not trade it for anything. The one change I would make is in my husband's attitude.

"Frank" works in construction, and comes home every day dirty from head to toe. He works hard, so it is expected that he will sweat; which in turn makes the dirt, dust, and other debris of his job stick to his skin and clothing. The soles of his work-boots are equally filthy. When he comes home, he refuses to take off his dirty clothes and shoes in the mudroom (and putting on one of the bathrobes provided) before entering the house, claiming that it is his "hard work that pays for this house" and that he "should be allowed to enter it as a King enters his castle". He usually goes on to say that he doesn't know what I do all day that I can't find the time to clean up "a little dirt" that might get tracked in when he enters.

Tazi, he tracks in more than just "a little dirt". After he arrives home, there is a trail of it from the mudroom to the bedroom and then on to the bathroom where he showers. The house - that I spent a good part of the day keeping clean - looks like the Peanuts character PigPen just walked through it! All three of my sons know to take off their dirty shoes before walking in the house; and if their uniforms are muddy they take those off, too, and don a robe before entering. I did not have to do anything special to train them; they just realize that it is an exercise in common sense - and common courtesy - to take these few extra steps to respect all of my hard work. Do you have any ideas on how to get my husband to start towing this line?

Signed,
Not A Scullery Maid

Dear Not A Scullery Maid:

Tell your husband that if he wishes to be treated like the "King" of the castle than he must learn to start respecting you as its Queen! Rather than lock him out of the house until he learns to follow the simple rule of leaving the dirt in the mudroom (which you could try, if all else fails), there is one thing that you could do: take a one week vacation from housework.

As difficult as this may be for you to do, a one week vacation from the cleaning, the laundry, the ironing, etc. will show your husband just what you do all day that he can't seem to notice. Tell your husband that while this is happening, you will be treating your self to the things you enjoy, but never have the time to do - like read a book, take a spa day, lunch with friends, visit your mother, or just take a nap in the middle of the day. Since you cannot completely abandon your family (your boys still need you), keep active with them by teaching them how to do a few simple chores, such as laundry and ironing and simple meal planning (trust me, their future wives will thank you!).

After a few days of this, your husband should start to notice that the cleanliness of the house (and his clothes) is deteriorating rather quickly. If he comments on this, remind him that you are on vacation but that you appreciate the fact that he is finally noticing what you do all day! If you would like, you can offer to end your vacation early if he promises to start using the mudroom for its designed purpose. Hopefully, this experiment will lead to a meaningful conversation between the two of you about appreciating the work that each of you do to keep your loving home running smoothly.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother-In-Law, Daughter-In-Law Face Off Over Laundry

Dear Tazi:

I am having an argument with my mother-in-law, “Joan”, and we are hoping that you can settle it for us.  What is the correct way to do laundry?  I was always taught to separate the clothes into loads of darks, lights, and whites; running each load in the “permanent press” cycle.  Joan believes that you also need to separate the loads by fabric weight and utilize the “heavyweight” and “delicate” cycles, as well.

“Joan” is horrified over the way I wash her son’s clothes, believing that her way is the best.  I say Joan’s way just creates more work and wastes energy by making for smaller loads of laundry, and more of them.  Who is right?

Signed,

Laundered Out Out West

Dear Laundered Out Out West:

I have to say that yours is one of the more interesting letters I have received on a practical household problem, and I thank you for sending it! To answer your question, you are both correct.

To wash your brights – especially reds – with your whites is to invite discoloration of your fabrics; not to mention that washing your darks in hot water can cause them to fade. On this the two of you agree so there is no argument to settle!

This is what my litter-mate looked like 

after a washing in hot water!

To separate by both color and fabric weight creates twice as many loads of laundry (if not more) with less laundry per load and while I realize that you can adjust the load size to save on water, you are still using electricity to power the washer for each load.  On this point, you are correct.  However, Joan also has a point. 

 I am not trying to be diplomatic in saying this, but practical; lingerie and other undergarments can be damaged on a cycle with a faster agitation speed.  I learned this the hard way when Mommie needed me to help her with the laundry (imagine, asking your cat to help you with the laundry!) and I was too lazy to sort.  The point goes to Joan here. 

The solution to your problem would be to ask your husband how he prefers his clothes to be washed – and if he prefers his Mama’s way of doing it to let her do his laundry!  Think of it as a load (or two) off of your busy schedule.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  Always remember to check the pockets before you launder!

And don't forget the fabric softener!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Chef Has Problems Simmering At Home

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional chef at a high end restaurant.  I mention this because I am beginning to think that my (live-in) girlfriend is only staying with me for my cooking.  I love my job. "Gina", however, thinks that because I am a chef I should do all of the cooking.  When I say I would rather not, she pouts and claims that I am "holding out" on her; that I am giving my best to my customers and saving nothing for her.  Tazi, this is not true.

I enjoy cooking, and do my share of the cooking at home.  I have no problem with cooking breakfast or brunch on days that I work evenings, and enjoy cooking dinner on my nights off.  I do all of the laundry and keep the house neat, if not clean.  Gina, in return, has been doing less and less over the past several months.  When I mentioned this to her, she got very upset and accused me of being sexist and accusing me of implying that housework is a woman's job, which is why I must not want to cook for her.  Gina then told me that if I wasn't such a good cook she would have left a long time ago.  I was so angry, I stormed out of our apartment and spent the night at my brother's place.  In my defense, I texted her about an hour later to let her know where I was and that I would return when I was calm enough to face her.  Since it was getting late, my brother suggested I crash at his place.

When I came home the next morning, I had decided it was best for me to pack my stuff and find another place to live, at least while I sorted out my thoughts on where my relationship with Gina was going.  Tazi, you think I had been gone for a week considering the way Gina greeted me!  She was all apologies, saying that she didn't mean a word of what she said; that she was just angry; and could we kiss and make-up.  Well, we did and things were OK for a few weeks, but Gina is starting to fall back into her old habits of doing little and whining when I refuse to do more.  I am starting to believe that she meant what she said about only staying with me for my cooking.  What do you think, Tazi?  I need an opinion, and am kind of embarrassed to ask the guys about it.

Signed,
Chef K.

Dear Chef K.:

While I cannot say for certain what your girlfriend did or did not mean, it does look as though she enjoys the perks of dating a chef more than she enjoys the responsibilities of being part of a committed couple.  While it must be nice to have a high-end chef cooking one's every meal, those who receive need to see things from the chef's point of view.  You are right in feeling used over Gina's demands that you cook every meal, and angry that she has tried to twist your request for an equal splitting of the house-chores into a sexist demand for her to be a Little Suzy Homemaker.

And then he woke up...

I will lay it on the line for you, since that seems to be what you want: I think it is time for you to go ahead with your original plan and move out of your shared apartment with Gina until you can figure out where it is your relationship is going and upon what it is actually based.  It does not sound as if there is mutual respect between the two of you, which needs to be the basis of a lasting relationship.

If you are financially responsible for the lease and cannot move out until it is up for renewal you may have to stay in this difficult situation until that time has come.  I suggest that you handle such a scenario by talking with Gina now about what it is you need from her to keep your relationship afloat, and what it is you need to do for yourself to give you the fortitude to renew your commitment to her.  The communication in your relationship appears to be sorely lacking.  This might be the wake-up call you both need.

Snuggles,
Tazi

 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom Is Tired Of Being Cinderella, Seeks Respect From Husband And Children

Dear Tazi:

My husband has the annoying habit of leaving dirty dishes all over the house. He also leaves his laundry on the floor (as opposed to throwing it in the laundry hamper three feet away), his shoes in the living room, and the toilet seat in the raised position. In short, he lives like a pig and expects me to clean up after him, like I have nothing else to do after I get home from work!

I would not mind this so much if our two sons were not starting to take after him, tripling the mess that I have to pick up and teaching the boys bad habits in the process. Whatever I say to them in reprimand is met with the response, "But Daddy does it!". I have asked my husband to try, and he says he will and things get better for a few days or even a few months...but then he will backslide and the mess returns.

I am worn out and I can't stand it! I never thought my life would amount to this! I never had to do housework growing up, and was always told that if I married well I would not have to start because I would be able to afford a maid. In college, I used to make fun of my feminist friends, calling them "shrews" but I look at them now and their husbands are equal partners in their marriages - something I wish I had. I swallowed my pride and asked one of my feminist friends for advice and she told me that it's not about feminism, it's about "respect" and that I need to demand some. I thought I was. How do I enforce the changes I want so see?

Signed,
Cinderella In Reverse

Dear Cinderella In Reverse:

Your feminist friends are kinda sorta right - their success at home is not about feminism, it's about respect, which is what feminism at its core is all about - respecting a woman as you would a man. It seems that you are upset not about the dirty laundry on the floor and the toilet seat being left up, but by the disrespect behind these actions. Your husband and your sons refuse to make even the smallest effort on their part which in turn results in a large effort being made on your part, and it is not fair.

I suggest that you stop making the effort to make their lives perfect because it is resulting in your life being miserable. The next time your husband leaves his laundry on the floor, remind him that if it is not in the laundry hamper it will not be washed. Then, follow through by not washing that which is on the floor. As soon as he runs out of clean shirts he will learn that his poor behavior has consequences. (Since this will not work with the children I suggest you train them to do their own laundry. It is not a difficult chore; I know seven year olds that do it! Old enough to give lip means old enough to do chores!).

At my house shoes left out in the middle of the living room are fair game for me to barf in, so this does not happen very often.

No; just the ones left laying out!

If you don't have a cat who barfs in shoes you could make errant shoes disappear to a place only you know, never to be seen again without the promise that they will be put away next time; a second offense could result in a treasure hunt for the shoes. For children, I recommend a docking of allowance to drive the point home quickly.

As for the dirty dishes...I am not cool with the idea of leaving them there for the offender to put them in the sink/dishwasher because this could lead to a bug problem. I suggest you reverse roles with your husband and tel him that from now on it will be his job to do the dishes - all of the dishes, which will include picking up those that have been left around the house. Explain to your husband that you do not want to make his life miserable; you only want him to offer you the kind of respect that he himself would like to receive. Remember that nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Aging Mother Could Use Help, But Would Prefer The Gift Of Time

Dear Tazi:

My mother is getting older and is unable to do all of the things she used to do, especially when it comes to living independently. Although she is still able to live in her own home, she has difficulty getting around, which makes chores difficult to complete.

I would like to lighten Mom’s load, but whenever I offer to do something for her, she either refuses or suggest I join her while she completes the chore. For example, I know how difficult it is for Mom to walk for a prolonged period of time, so I offered to do her weekly grocery shopping. She refused, but said I could come along and do it with her if I wanted. I am a working Mom myself, and my free time is limited; I do not wish to spend it replicating the chores that Mom is doing on her own.

I am reaching my wit’s end with Mom and her complaints that she simply cannot keep up with all that needs to be done, and how she is exhausted after everything is complete. I have offered to pay for services from laundry to landscaping, but Mom feels those services are a waste of money. She thinks you should not pay someone to do something that you could do yourself, and has suggested that I just come over and help her instead. I am considering just hiring some help for Mom, above her objections, so she does not have such a heavy burden to bear. My husband thinks this is a bad idea, and that we should offer to do these chores for her ourselves.

Tazi, I do not look forward to doing more housework after I finish cleaning my own house, and I cannot fathom how my husband will find the time to keep up with Mom’s yard on top of our own. My husband says that we should “suck it up” for Mom’s sake, but I am having a hard time doing that. What is your opinion of the situation, Tazi?

Signed,

Double Duty

Dear Double Duty:

Has it occurred to you that your mother might want you to accompany her on her trip to the grocery store because she enjoys your company and would like more of it? This could also be the reason that she is refusing the paid services you are offering to hire for her; it’s possible she is hoping you will offer to come over yourself and assist her with the housework and have a nice mother-daughter visit while you are at it.

I realize that you do not wish to do extra housework on top of your own, or to replicate your mother’s chores by accompanying her as she does them, but as Mary Poppins taught us all as children, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down! What could be sweeter than spending time with your aging mother?

I wish my sandbox cleaned itself this way!

 If you do not have the time to undertake all of the chores, talk to your mother about which ones she has the most difficulty with and do those for her. If your children are old enough to undertake chores, you could make helping your mother a family event, with everyone taking on one or two chores; if the children are too young to complete chores they could have a nice visit with Grandma while you and your husband - who sounds quite willing - take care of completing your mother's vacuuming, laundry, ironing, landscaping, car washing, grocery shopping, etc. Many hands can make for light work.

If I have not yet convinced you to put a little time aside to assist your Mom, please consider this: children learn what they live. If they see you and their father assisting your elders, they too will learn the importance of respecting them - and of assisting you when you are too aged to do all that needs to get done. I hope you can find it in your heart to make the selfless decision.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Marital Stress On The Mend Thanks To A Tazi Suggestion!

Dear Tazi:

I want to thank you for the advice you gave about “Fred” and his Elf of the Shelf antics. You told the letter writer if Fred’s forgetfulness about lowering the toilet seat was “the biggest problem in her marriage” she should consider herself lucky. Your advice has me looking at my marriage in a whole new way.

My husband of seven years, “Barry”, is a plumber. This is the second marriage for both of us, so we are not young kids with stars in our eyes. Every day Barry returns home from work and his clothes are filthy, smelly, or otherwise in need of laundering. Barry does his best to aim for the laundry hamper when changing, but misses almost every time. He claims that when he gets home from work all he wants to do is toss off his clothes and relax; that he spends the greater part of his day kneeling under sinks, next to toilets, or working on underground pipes and the last thing he wants to do is bend over to pick his laundry up off of the floor. He feels that the fact that he makes an effort should count for something.

Barry’s attitude would annoy me to no end, especially since I am a busy stay-at-home Mom (we both have custody of our teenage children) who works hard to keep the house clean and presentable, in addition to everything else that must be done to keep the household running smoothly. I had reached the point where I was ready to blow my stack with him when my mother forwarded me a link to your Elf on the Shelf on the toilet letter. I showed the letter to Barry and asked if this was what was becoming of us – were we turning into a couple who fought against each other instead of with each other?

Thanks to your column, Barry and I had a long talk. He felt that I did not appreciate how hard he worked and how achy his muscles were when he returned home; I felt that he was being disrespectful of how hard I worked to keep the house looking nice for him. Together, we talked through our aggravation and have been working on improving our relationship, working with each other instead of against each other. It has only been six weeks, but Barry’s “aim” has greatly improved and he is even keeping a score-sheet to record how many “points” he scores. Turning this chore into a game has improved both of our moods, and should Barry lapse I remind myself, as I pick up his clothes without complaint, that my marriage could have much bigger problems. Our children have all noticed the difference in our attitudes, and have commented on how much happier we seem since starting “Laundry Basketball” and have suggested other “games” to make the drudgery of chores fun.

Thank you, Tazi!

Sincerely,
Happily Married The 2nd Time Around

Dear Happily Married The 2nd Time Around:

I am so happy to hear that my column assisted you through your marital stress! It is rewarding to know that my little kitten self played a small part in helping you with the heavy lifting of improving your relationship with your husband. I am purring all over!

I like to think Vince Lombardi came back as a cat

Please spread the word that www.asktazi.com is the place to go for advice, entertainment, and a little break from your own reality!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An Unmade Bed Leads To Larger Issues In This Marriage

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My beautiful and loving wife and I are having a disagreement, and I want your opinion. I was raised that after you wake up in the morning you make the bed. I would sooner walk out of the house naked than leave without making the bed! My wife, on the other hand, does not make the bed and will leave it unmade all day because "nobody sees it, and we are just going to mess it up again when we sleep in it tonight." I have tried to explain to her that a freshly made bed feels better than one that has been left unmade all day; and that leaving it unmade results in needing to change the sheets twice a week, instead of just once a week like she does now (she also refuses to catch on to this hint).

Her refusal to make the bed is really starting to grate on my nerves, because I do not have the time to make the bed before my hour commute to work. Coming home at the end of the day and seeing an unmade bed puts me in a bad mood; and lately during the day I have been thinking about coming home and seeing an unmade bed, which sours my mood before I even leave the office.

My wife and I have two young children who are still in cribs, and I am dreading the day that they get "big boy beds" because I am afraid that will just mean more unmade beds littered throughout the house. I have tried to let go of this issue, but I just can't - and it is starting to affect how my wife treats me while we are in bed. How can I make her see reason, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Neat Nick

Dear Neat Nick:

I will admit that I love the feel of a freshly made bed. There is something about creeping up under the bedspread and tunneling under the bedclothes that makes me purr! if you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will see a picture of me doing just that! Now, about your question: Before I can answer it, I need to ask you a few questions myself!

Is your wife a full-time homemaker or does she have a career, too? Are the sheets falling off of the bed, necessitating that the entire bed be remade or are they just a bit messy each morning? And does one of you sleep later than the other or do you both wake at the same time?

If your wife is a full-time homemaker, I cannot see why she cannot find five minutes - at some point during the day - to make the bed, even with two young children in her care. Little ones take naps during the day, granting harried Moms a reprieve. I realize your wife needs her "me time", but taking 5 minutes (or 10, if the bed is completely torn apart) to complete a chore that would make her husband infinitely happier and the house look infinitely cleaner does not seem like too much to ask.

If your wife also holds down a career in addition to being a Mom and homemaker, I would say that you need to pitch in more - in spite of your hour-long commute to work - or complain less. Even though men today help out with the housework far more than their fathers and grandfathers ever did, the fact remains that the bulk of housework and childcare still falls upon women’s shoulders. The fact that your wife is treating you differently in the bedroom - and I am assuming this statement was a complaint - tells me that the division of household labor may be the issue your wife is having.

If having the bed made is that important to you, offer to assist your wife with this morning chore - regardless of whether or not she is a homemaker or paid career woman. Unless she sleeps until after you leave for work (and with two little ones, I highly doubt that is possible), this should not present a problem. I believe she will appreciate that you are willing to make an effort to do something that you want done, instead of just demanding that she do it for you. Often times, marriage is about compromise; and this is one of those issues where compromise sounds necessary.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. For the sake of decency, I hope that you were speaking metaphorically when you said you would sooner leave the house naked than leave without making the bed! This could lead to some awkward moments at the office, or even arrest for indecent exposure!