It Is OK To Take Time To Grieve Before Sharing Inherited Blessings

Dear Tazi:

Many years ago, when I was just a teenager, I befriended an elderly lady who went to my church. I had originally offered to assist her with her housecleaning as a part of my Confirmation service to others requirement when I discovered that I enjoyed her company – she was like a surrogate grandmother to me, and I continued to assist her long after my service project was complete. Even after I was grown and moved away to college and then a career that took me out of state, “Miss Mildred” and I continued to stay in touch through phone calls and hand-written letters. Miss Mildred had never married, and had no children. She was the last of her surviving siblings, though she had many friends she considered family, including myself; whom she called “Daisy”, after her favorite flower.

I had always thought that Miss Mildred was of limited means, and that she made ends meet by living off of a small pension and her social security. What I mean to say is; I never had designs on her estate. Miss Mildred passed away this past winter at the age of 102, and upon the reading of her will I discovered that she was actually quite wealthy; the owner of several properties, including a grand beach house that had belonged to her late parents, which she willed to me. Upon exploring the beach house I found many small touches that told me how fond Miss Mildred was of me – some pressed flowers from a birthday bouquet I had once sent her; a picture of the two of us at my high school graduation; and many of the letters I had sent her over the years. It was quite obvious to me that this house was special to Miss Mildred, and I want to preserve her memory within it because she was so special and great an influence on me. I became a school teacher because she was one, too!

As a school teacher, I have summers off from working, which will allow me to return “home” and enjoy Miss Mildred’s beach house (I still have trouble thinking of it as my own). The problem is, several of my family members have the same idea and have already told me how much they look forward to staying with me while they vacation at the beach.

Tazi, I do not know how I will feel about this in time, but right now I am not ready to open the doors to people looking for a free place to “crash”. Not only am I still grieving the loss of my dear friend, but I am still in the process of cataloging the inventory of the house; which includes many valuable antiques and at least one large, hidden stash of cash that I found under a loose floorboard I was repairing. I do not want people coming in and treating the place like a hotel. My problem is, every time I look at the walls I see pictures of a younger Miss Mildred and her family enjoying each other’s company on the beach and at the house. I feel that by telling my family “no” to their plans to visit I would be betraying the spirit in which Miss Mildred bequeathed her house to me.

I know I have been blessed, Tazi; is it wrong of me not to share those blessings so soon after receiving them?

Signed,
Miss Mildred’s Daisy

Dear Miss Mildred’s Daisy:

Your letter tugged at my heartstrings and brought a droop of sympathy to my whiskers. You have my deepest and most heartfelt sympathies on your loss. We cats know the intrinsic value of little old ladies who often adopt us for company and in return give us laps for napping! Your Miss Mildred sounds like she was a wonderful woman, and you were a dream to bring happiness and youthful companionship to her.

Your grief is understandable, and I am certain that it is accompanied by more than a small dose of shock at discovering that your friend was of greater means than you realized. To paraphrase the Beatitudes, blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom-sized sandbox! [Ed. Note: To a cat, the beach is one big litter-box]. Your humility towards others has brought you great rewards, and it will be up to you to decide how – and when – you wish to share them with others.

The fact that your family has pretty much announced their plan to stay at your beach house before they have even been invited is in very poor taste. I believe that your Miss Mildred, with her old-fashioned handwritten letters, would excuse you for not having them as guests this summer – or any summer hence until they receive proper invitation, issued by you, into your home. If and when that day comes will be up to you; but right now I suggest that you take the summer to finish your unfinished business.

If and when you decide to start issuing invitations to stay with you, make sure that the terms and conditions of the invitation are clear: that your beach house is a private home, not a bed and breakfast, and that you are not housekeeping or room service. Remind your guests before they arrive that this is your vacation, too, and that you would enjoy their company all the more if you are allowed to enjoy your time off from work. Keep a stiff spine, and don’t back down to any pressure or rude comments that will undoubtedly be hurled towards you.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Gift Piggy" Needs To Go On A Diet

Dear Tazi:

I discovered your column a few months ago and have been enjoying the letters people send to you - past and current - never thinking I would ever feel the need to write to you, until I saw your response regarding giving the gift of jewelry to a woman. I saw my own problem reflected in that letter, but with an added twist.

I met "Victoria" on Christmas Eve, at a party at a friend's house. She was actually a friend of a friend of the host, joking that she was "crashing the party" because she didn't want to sit home alone on Christmas Eve. At first, I was charmed by her adventurous spirit; going out to a party on Christmas Eve where she knew virtually no one. We spent the evening talking, and before I left we exchanged phone numbers. I was pleasantly surprised when Victoria called me the next day to wish me a Merry Christmas, and to ask if it was too late to ask me out for New Year's Eve. Never having had a woman initiate a date before, I was flattered and accepted her offer.

When we got together for New Year's Eve, Victoria told me that she was disappointed that I did not bring her a "belated Christmas gift". I thought she was joking, and laughed it off when she told me I could make it up to her for Valentine's Day. We had a great night out, and started seeing each other on the weekends and occasionally during the week. For Valentine's Day, I brought Victoria flowers, a box of Godiva chocolates, and took her to a local jazz club for a light dinner and dancing. I thought we had a great night, but Victoria was playfully pouty because I didn't buy her jewelry. Like you, I feel that six weeks is far too soon to be buying a woman such an intimate gift. Victoria then joked (or so I thought) that I could make it up to her for St. Patrick's Day, since her birthstone is the emerald.

St. Patrick's Day just passed, and Victoria and I went out for a night on the town. I took her to an upscale Irish pub where we had dinner and several pints of Guinness and what I thought was a great time. The next day, though, Victoria emailed me to say she was disappointed that I had not taken the hint that she wanted an emerald! Attached to the email was a picture of a very expensive emerald ring, linking to the website where it could be purchased with the comment that it was "on clearance" and would not last long [Ed. Note: The letter writer enclosed the link. You can view the ring by clicking here].

Tazi, I was positively floored by Victoria's request, and had no idea how to respond so I told her I would have to think about it, just to buy myself some time. On the one hand, I have never met anyone like Victoria - she is a fun, free-spirited woman who makes me want to grab opportunity and squeeze every last drop out of it. On the other hand, she seems to have an absolute obsession with receiving (but not giving) gifts. When I mentioned to her that I have yet to receive any sort of gift from her, Victoria responded that the gift of her time and the wonderful mood she puts me in is what she has offered me; and she honestly seemed offended that I did not consider these "gifts" to be of equal value to the emerald ring she wants me to buy her. Is her reasoning logical? Because at times I feel a little guilty for not purchasing her the one thing she desires; but on the other hand, when I start to feel this way, I want to slap some sense into myself. Thoughts?

Signed,
Empty Hands

Dear Empty Hands:

Let me guess: Victoria suggested that you put the ring in the Easter basket full of goodies that you also were not planning on buying her, right? I have a name for people like Victoria, one I heard on that old TV show Just Shoot Me, and that name is a gift piggy! I realize from what you have written that you are quite taken with Victoria, but please remember that this woman started asking you for presents on your very first date! She then spent the first two months of your relationship trying to guilt you into buying her expensive jewelry, and it sounds like the guilt trip you are on has reached its final destination.

If I were you, I would sit down with Victoria, and explain to her that a gift of jewelry - especially an expensive ring - is a public sign of a deep, serious, and powerful commitment. At least, that is what the Josten's salespeople said when they were attempting to sell my Mommie a college ring. I would like to think that the same reasoning applies when a person is considering buying an expensive ring for another - that is it an outward symbol of the committed, loving relationship that binds the two of them. If Victoria cares for you more than she cares for expensive jewelry, she will understand this and accept that you are not ready to purchase her the bauble she wants and will hopefully stop "joking" about her disappointment. If she cares more for jewelry than she does for you, I am afraid this conversation will spell the end of your relationship. If that is not something you can accept, then buy Victoria the emerald ring; knowing that she is with you not for your love, but for your willingness to buy her presents in return for her presence.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My Mommie's birthstone is also the emerald! She is currently staring at the picture of the ring and saying "My preciousssssss" in a decidedly Gollum-like voice! --T.K.




Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.