Lack Of Trust Can Damage The Relationships You Value The Most

Dear Tazi:

I must be the biggest cretin on the face of the planet. My live-in boyfriend has been acting very secretive for the past several months, so I was convinced he was cheating on me. He would say he was working overtime to explain long absences, yet I never saw any additional cash in our joint bank account so I assumed the worst.

After three months of this suspicious behavior, I secretly checked the call log on his cell phone and was crushed to discover several phone calls lasting 20 minutes or more to my best friend! I confronted "Jason" and asked him how long he had been sleeping with my best friend. He denied all of my accusations and told me I was "acting crazy" and that he would never cheat on me, but he could not give me a good reason why he had logged so many calls to my best friend. He actually had the nerve to say that I must have used his phone to call her!

I told Jason to pack his stuff and get out, but he refused so I did. Of course my best friend tried calling me to tell me that she was not sleeping with Jason, but I wanted nothing to do with her. I stayed in a cheap motel for two weeks, when Jason called to tell me he wanted to talk and asked me to meet him at a local restaurant. It was a week before my 30th birthday, and I really didn't want to be turning 30 all alone, so I gave in with the hope that maybe we could salvage our relationship.

When I got to the restaurant, I got the surprise of my life. Jason and my best friend had been in close contact for the past several months. It turns out that they were planning my surprise birthday party. Jason had been working overtime all this time, too; he used the money to fly my parents in from the East coast so they could be here to celebrate with me.

Jason acted like everything was normal all through my party, so I thought everything was okay between us, but after the party he told me we really did need to talk. He told me that he loved me, but that we needed to take a big step backwards in our relationship until I can learn to trust him. He asked me to move back into our apartment, but is staying in the guest room until our lease is up, and then wants to see where we are before he decides if we should continue living together, or even stay together as a couple. Since Jason is close to my best friend, I asked her to talk to him for me, but she replied - quite coolly - that she already had, and that she had at least convinced him to give me another chance.

Tazi, I can't understand why they are both still so angry with me. Why can't they see things from my point of view? They would have thought the same thing if they were in my shoes! Wouldn't they? How can I make things right with the two most important friends I have - my boyfriend and my best friend?

Signed,
Hating 30...So Far

Dear Hating 30...So Far:

Quite honestly, I don't think your boyfriend would immediately jump to the conclusion that you were cheating on him with his best friend. Judging by the fact that you accused him of cheating on you; tried to kick him out; and moved into a cheap motel when he refused, yet he still went through with his plan to throw you a surprise birthday party, I would say that your boyfriend is a class act.

The fact that you showed a lack of trust in your best friend as well as your boyfriend tells me that you have some serious trust issues and a complete lack of faith in the people you should be trusting the most. I would advise you to use this "time-out" in your relationship to try and figure out why you this is so. Professional counseling could help, but I think couples counseling would work best; once Jason understands why you acted the way you did the process of healing and forgiveness can begin for him, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. If the only reason you are with your boyfriend is because you don't want to be "30 and alone", perhaps it is time to make your split a permanent one. You also owe your best friend an apology for your accusations.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The "Other Woman" Really Isn't, But She Still Needs To Go!

Dear Tazi:

I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend since I moved away from his hometown two years ago.  We have had frequent visits back and forth to see each other and we call or Skype daily, but these past several months something has felt “off” between us.  Every time I mention this to him, he tells me I shouldn't worry, that he is just stressed over things at work.

I decided to surprise him with an unexpected visit this past weekend, but I was the one who got the surprise – when I found out that he has another woman living with him!  It turns out he met her in a bar one night and she was too drunk to drive home and had no money for cab fare (she drank it all up).  Since she lived on the other side of town, “Alan” let her crash on his couch – and she’s been there ever since!

Alan insists that there is nothing going on between them, that “Sheila” was out getting drunk that night because her roommate had kicked her out of their apartment.  He says he felt bad for her and that she had nowhere to go so he couldn't send her out into the street.  He also told me that Sheila is the real reason he has been so stressed lately.  He is afraid that she thinks something is eventually going to develop between them, even though he has made it clear to both of us that I am the only woman he loves.

Tazi, should I trust Alan at his word?  He has always been honest with me in the past, but we have never had anything this huge come between us.  Also, should I tell this woman that she can no longer live on my boyfriend’s couch, since I doubt Alan will tell her himself?

Signed,

#1 Lady

Dear #1 Lady:

It appears that your boyfriend is in a heap of #2, if you catch my meaning!  I can imagine your shock and indignation at discovering this lie of omission camping out on your boyfriend’s couch, and believe that your anger is understandable; your boyfriend DID lie to you about the true reason for his stress, but I believe this was a lie born out of fear of how you would react to his soft-heartedness for a woman in need.  This, however, does not let him off the hook!

How is it that you have visited your boyfriend over the past several months and not noticed evidence of another woman in the house?  Does he spend the week before your visit eradicating all evidence of her presence and then send her out drinking (and in search of someone else’s couch) just prior to your arrival?  Or have visits to his place stopped since Sheila moved onto his couch?

I hate to put it so bluntly, but your boyfriend is being a wimp.  He has admitted that having another woman in his life is stressing him out to the point where it is affecting his relationship with you, the woman he loves, yet he refuses to take steps to resolve the situation.  You and Alan need to sit down and have a serious talk about this disturbing situation.

Personally, I suggest getting a cat.  That should solve your problem in no time!

As much as you would like to tell Sheila to get OUT of your boyfriend’s apartment and out of his life it is not your place to do this; it is Alan’s, and he must man up and take care of the situation.  I suggest he set a date by which time Sheila must leave his house, and tell her that the locks will be changed on that day.  If her things are still there they will be packed up and put into a storage area for pick-up.  Once Alan explains the reality of the situation to Sheila her bubble that they will one day be together should burst.  If Alan refuses to take steps to rid himself of this other woman you will have to decide from there if can live with this or without him.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

There Is A Difference Between Secrecy And Privacy

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and he is always keeping secrets from me!  "Joe" always goes out and doesn't tell me where he is going.  If I find out where he went it is because I asked, not because he told me.  I never know who he is texting or Facebooking on his phone - when I try to see he blocks the phone and tells me to cut it out, that I am invading his privacy.  I feel like Joe has two sides to his life; one that he shares with me and one that he does not.  I want to be part of his entire life, not just the parts he allows me to see.

Yesterday all [heck] broke loose and I am ready to end the relationship over his attitude.  Joe and I were hanging out when he got up to use the bathroom.  He left his phone behind, so I decided to check his text messages to see what he is hiding from me, but his phone was locked with a security code!  I see no reason why he has this feature, and I told him so when he got back.  Rather than give me an answer he demanded to know why I was trying to use his phone when I had mine with me.

I told Joe that I did not like that he keeps so many secrets from me and demanded that he let me see his call and text history.  He told me that he was not keeping secrets but that his phone history was a private matter and that I need to learn to trust him.  I told him to stop turning the issue into something that was my fault; that he is the one keeping secrets.  I gave him an ultimatum: his secrets or me.  He just stared at me, so I walked out before he responded.  Now I am wondering if I should call to demand his answer.

Signed,
Boyfriendless?

Dear Boyfriendless?:

There is a big difference between secrecy and privacy.  Secrecy is accompanied by feelings of guilt; fear that someone will find out what you are doing; and overly defensive behavior.  Privacy is a matter of respect for another's personal life.  For example, Joe should not have to tell you where he is at every moment of the day; nor should he have to tell you who he has been texting and what has been said.  If he is texting directly in front of you and ignoring you to have a text conversation with another this is rude, but it is still a private conversation.  If I were you I would worry if he left the room to talk or text; since he is doing it in front of you he is not keeping the conversation a secret, just private.

The fact that Joe is willing to tell you where he went after you discover that he went out tells me that he is not keeping secrets from you; rather, it sounds like you are insecure in your relationship.  Have boyfriends past cheated on you?  Has Joe ever done anything (within reason) to make you question his fidelity?  Joe could make more of an effort to make you feel like a part of his life, but trust me when I tell you that most of what he does when he is not with you would probably bore you to tears.  Do you really want to hear about his trip to the store to buy milk?  Or his text conversation with his best friend that consists of one word answers?

You were wrong to try and sneak a peek into Joe's call and text history; this is an invasion of privacy.  As for the security code on his phone, has it occurred to you that maybe Joe keeps sensitive personal information in there - like credit card numbers and other financial information?  Nowadays, a phone is a mini-computer; Joe is wise to keep a digital lock on it.

I think you should call Joe and apologize for issuing such an unreasonable ultimatum.  Explain to him that his behavior makes you feel insecure, and ask him to meet you halfway - you can work on your insecurities and he can work on opening up to you.  Relationships are about compromise; it is time the two of you start.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Learns the Hard Way Not To Loan Out Her Credit Cards

Dear Tazi:

I am in deep financial trouble and I don’t know how to get out of it. While we were dating, I allowed my now ex-boyfriend “Roger” to use my credit cards for emergency purchases, like clothes for work or gas to put in his car. He had been out of work for a while before we met, so when he found a job he had no good clothes to wear to it or any way to buy gas to get there until his first paycheck. Because he had to be added to the payroll, and there was a mix-up with his social security number it took him almost a month to get his first paycheck. After he got paid, rather than pay me back the money he owed me, he decided to go out and celebrate his new job with his friends, leaving me at home.

I figured Roger would pay me back the money he owed me when he got his next paycheck (he gets paid every two weeks), but that was the end of the month and his rent and utilities were due, so I figured I would have to wait another few weeks. Two weeks later, when I asked Roger for the money, he dumped me. He said he couldn't stay with someone who was going to constantly pester him about money.

Tazi, I feel so used, but that is only part of the problem. Roger charged almost $2,000 to my credit card for fancy clothes, shoes, and other things he said he needed for work. I do not have the money to pay this off, and can no longer afford to make the minimum payment, which has gone up because the balance is so high.

I have tried talking to the credit card company to tell them that the purchases obviously were not mine, so I should not have to pay for them; Roger is the one they should be harassing for money. The credit card companies have told me that unless Roger stole my card or otherwise used it without my permission I am responsible for the charges. I tried going to the police, but they told me that since I gave Roger permission to use my credit card it is a civil matter, not a criminal one, and they cannot help me.

Tazi, Roger has changed his phone number so I can no longer call him to ask him to pay me the money back, and my credit is in a downward spiral so I can’t even take out a bank loan to pay off the credit card. There is no one in my life who will loan me money; my own mother told me that if I can’t pay my credit cards what expectation others have that I will pay them? I looked into going to a payday loan service, but the interest rate is even higher than the rate on my credit cards, with less time to pay back the balance.

Tazi, would you be able to loan me the money to pay off my credit cards?

Signed,

Tapped Out

Dear Tapped Out:

No. No I will not loan – or give – you the money to pay off your credit cards. For one I don’t know you; for another I am not a bank; and, to give a third reason, if I had the money to loan it would go straight to my Mommie to put towards her student loans. An education is an expensive thing – something you have learned by getting schooled by your ex-boyfriend.

I am printing your letter as a warning to others not to trust their financial stability with someone they hardly know. You do not say for how long you and Roger were dating, but mention that he was out of work before you met, and presumably found a job around the time you started dating. This means you were together less than a month when you gave him free reign with your credit cards.

Since you cannot make the minimum payment on your credit cards, I suggest you talk to the card issuer about working out a payment plan. Your ability to make purchases will probably be suspended during this time but at least your credit will start to improve. Do not refuse to pay the balance on your credit accounts – the purchases may not have been for you, but they were made with your permission which means you are responsible for paying the bill.

You may be able to recover some of your loss in small claims court, which would mean suing Roger for a breach of agreement, but you must be able to prove that Roger agreed to pay the charges he put on your credit account. This will be difficult if Roger was not listed as an additional user on your account. Sad to say, it looks like you will have to chalk this loss up to experience – and know to never loan out your credit cards again.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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Guest Writer: A New Family For Foster Child; Some Advice For An Adoptive Mom

Dear Readers:

Yesterday, I received a wonderful letter in response from someone who had been hoping for a follow-up from the young boy in foster care who wrote to me last December. (Yesterday's letter was from the boy's overjoyed adoptive mother, whose adoption of the child is now official).

Today, I hand the reigns to "A Friend From the System" who shares her story, and some advice for the new mother. It is moments like this that make what I do so rewarding, and I thank all who make them happen!

--T.K.

Dear Jamal's Mom,

Congratulations to you, Jamal and the rest of your family. Thank you so much for giving Tazi, and me, an update; I was wondering how things went. I am very pleased to hear that my response to Jamal’s letter gave him the encouragement that he needed to speak to the judge and tell him what he truly wanted. I am sure that the judge listened to him intently. Now, it is time for me to add to Tazi’s advice to you as Jamal’s A-Mom.

The court system will (unless things have changed over the years) seal the adoption records and make it very hard for Jamal’s mother to come looking for him. As for telling Jamal what really happened to his B-Mom that is something only you can tell if Jamal is ready to hear. However, not knowing can have an effect on him. My B-Mom passed away when I was 6 years old. While I was in the foster home (no, I was not adopted by them, but by another family) I was always told that my B-Mother died in a car accident; I am sure Tazi’s mom remembers me talking about that. That was the story that was passed to my A-Mom as well. I, for years, remembered things a bit differently. I remembered trying to wake her up off the couch, and she would not wake up. That made me very curious as I grew up. My A-mother could not tell me anything differently, as that is what she was told too. So, I grew up believing that. As I got older, and became pregnant with my first child, I found I had a real need for medical information that I could not get. (THIS is what Jamal will truly need as he gets older.) I recommend that if you access to any of this, you save it for Jamal, it will be easier for him and his family (when he gets older) to fill out medical forms. Not knowing where I came from put me into a depression.

As I turned 18, I attempted to locate by B-father. I was unlucky for many years due to the fact that Rhode Island sealed my birth records and the state of Massachusetts altered my birth certificate [Ed. Note: The letter writer is from Southern New England]. For the last 12 years (I am now 42), I have been doing genealogy of my birth family, with the help of my A-mother, who does this professionally. Back when we first started the genealogical search, we contacted the state of Rhode Island for a copy of my B-Mom’s death certificate. As it turns out, I was correct and she did not die in a car accident, but rather a drug overdose. About 4 years ago, I found that my B-father died in 1992 in California, alone and in a nursing home.

I have also found a biological uncle through my search; we still talk to this day and have actually met. I found out that He had tried to come looking for me, but was not successful as the adoption had been sealed. I am telling you all of this, so that you can see how difficult it is to locate someone after an adoption. If Jamal so chooses, when he is old enough, there are registries he can sign up on, I know, I did when I was looking for my B-father. One of the many ones out there is http://registry.adoption.com/.

My B-Mom had a friend that adopted her granddaughter due to circumstances similar to Jamal’s. She was told that her B-Mom had died. As a teenager, her mother actually DID die, and her grandmother, now mother, told her this and she became very confused and unhappy. As you can see, it is important for Jamal to know “where he came from”, but you, as his mother, need to determine when it is best for him to hear the ugly details.

Sincerely,
A Friend From The System


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Celebrate With Caution When Drinking Heavily!

Dear Tazi:

Last year, my 21st birthday fell on the weekend following St. Patrick's Day. Because St. Patrick's Day fell on a Thursday, people were celebrating the whole weekend through, drinking enough to blind a large farm animal (as my Grandma used to say) and unfortunately choosing to drive themselves home. I was one of those revelers (I AM Irish!) and because it was my birthday, I was out with several friends; one of whom was actually a friend of a friend, who was invited along because he agreed to be our designated driver.

I suppose I should have known better than to put my trust into someone I did not know, but I was just so excited about turning 21 and finally being able to go out and party that I didn't think anything of it. I wish my story could end with something stupid, like the designated driver got drunk and I had to call a cab; but things went much more badly than that. Our designated driver stayed sober all night, and drove every one of us home safely - until I was the only person left to drop off. Instead of taking me home, he drove me to a local park - a place my parents would have called a "make-out spot", but this guy had more than "making out" on his mind! Long story short? THANK GOD the local police were patrolling the park, and saw me struggling to get away from the "nice guy" who had offered to be my designated driver!

The police ended up giving me a ride home that night, even though I chose not to press charges against the guy who tried to rape me. I did tell our mutual friend what a slime the guy is and - what a surprise - I am no longer friends with her, because she refused to believe me; claiming that I was "too drunk to know what was happening". This is the reason I am writing to you, and is the message I want to impart to St. Patrick's Day revelers.

With St. Patrick's Day falling on the weekend this year, there will certainly be many more people out celebrating. We have all heard about the importance of not drinking and driving or of designating a driver; but I was never taught about the dangers of choosing the wrong designated driver! I want your readers to ask themselves this question: If someone is offering to be my designated driver, why are they offering? Is it because they don't drink? Is it because they believe in putting responsibility before fun? Or is it because they are hoping to have an advantage being the only sober person among the drunk people? I got lucky that night and managed to escape; but I can only imagine what might have happened if those police officers hadn't happened along.

Signed,
Erin (Go Bragh)

Dear Erin:

Your story is a sobering one (no pun intended) and offers a lesson that could only have been learned through experience. Although most people who offer to be the designated driver do so with a pure heart, there are some who do it in order to take advantage of drunken revelers. The lesson you learned was an important one: that just because someone is friends with a friend does not mean that they will be a friend to you!

To my Irish readers, I wish you a happy, healthy, and blessed St. Patrick's Day! To all who plan to go out and celebrate the holiday, I wish you a safe and healthy evening; and remember: If you are going to drink, don't drive! If you are going to drive, don't drink!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. to Mr. and Mrs. J.J.D. of Colorado: A very happy 5th anniversary to you!! May Irish eyes continue to smile upon you!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.