An Elvish Wedding Leaves Guest Out Of Her Element

Dear Tazi:

This past June I attended the wedding of a dear friend’s daughter; it was the most unorthodox wedding I have ever attended and I am not certain how to handle the fallout from events that occurred that day.

“Phoenix”, as my friend’s daughter now calls herself, insisted on holding the wedding outdoors; down a long, brambly trail near a swamp where a man dressed in the strangest robes I have ever seen performed the ceremony in a language I have never heard. Later when I asked, Phoenix informed me that the language was Elvish; that we were on their lands and that we needed to be respectful of their culture. With this in mind, she requested that I remove my shoes because the heels were poking holes in the soil. Tazi, I was not going to remove my shoes in that swampland and informed Phoenix of this fact. She refused to accept my decision and told (not requested – told) me to leave. I left, but not before retrieving the generous wedding gift I had offered to the couple.

Tazi, you can imagine my shock when my friend called me this week to ask about the wedding gift I had given to her daughter. Phoenix claims that it “went missing” around the time I told her that I had a headache and left early. Tazi, I was speechless! I did not claim to have a headache and leave; I am angry that Phoenix would lie to her own mother to cover for her rude behavior; and am shocked that she still expects to receive a wedding gift after she dismissed me from her reception! Unprepared to answer, I told my friend I would see to replacing the check I had written to Phoenix as a wedding gift and suggested that the wind may have blown it away – or perhaps the elves that lived in the swamp commandeered it as a damage deposit. My friend did not know what I meant by this, so I told her that her daughter would understand perfectly.

Tazi, I like to think I got my message across to Phoenix, but I cannot be sure. Do you think I should write her a note explaining why I took back the card and enclosed check I had offered as a gift? Or should I just let the whole thing go? I am not sure what to say if my friend brings up the subject again.

Signed,
Madame Tradition

Dear Madame Tradition:

I can understand why you took your gift back when you left, although it was a terrible breech of etiquette when you did. I will allow you to get away with it, considering the way you were treated, if you give the correct answers to the following questions:

1. Was Phoenix aware that you had presented a gift? Or was she just guessing that you put a card with a check in it into the collection basket? (The latter is the correct answer).

2. If Phoenix was aware that you provided a card, did she know that there was money in it? Or, again, was she just guessing that a gift was enclosed? (Again, the latter is the correct answer).

3. Did you write a check for Phoenix and her husband or did you slip cash in the envelope? (Wrote a check is the correct answer).

4. Was the envelope opened when you took it back and left? (Please say that it was unopened).

If Phoenix was aware that there was a gift enclosed in the card and knew of the amount enclosed, you are obligated by the rules of etiquette to return it to her. If this is the case and you provided cash in the envelope, you are obligated to return it to her because once a gift is given it becomes the property of the recipient. If Phoenix is merely guessing that you provided a gift and/or a card, you are under no obligation to give it back, but your friendship with her mother may depend upon it.

I would not write a letter to Phoenix, as this would provide tangible proof of the riff that has occurred between the two of you, and will most likely drag your friend into the middle of it. A short phone call to Phoenix can straighten the entire situation. Tell her that in her distress over the Elves she must have mistaken your reason for leaving, and offer to let her mother know the true reason for your early departure. If the woman has any scruples at all she will drop the demand for a gift.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I'm a cat and even I know that Elves habituate in the woods, not the swamps! J.R.R. Tolkien must be rolling in his grave right now!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Message About Tolerance From A Regular Ask Tazi! Reader

Dear Readers:

I have decided to take the day off from giving advice, and hand the reins over to a guest writer - Maya Lincoln, writer for the Community College of RI's student-run newspaper, The Unfiltered Lens, and faithful reader of Ask Tazi!

To follow is a thought-provoking opinion piece that Miss Lincoln wrote for original publication in The Unfiltered Lens; one that I thought it worthy of a larger audience. I do hope you enjoy it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

My feelings of how "tolerance" is being misinterpreted
Written by: Maya Lincoln

As someone who has an interest in promoting tolerance and acceptance of all diverse backgrounds, I question this very issue about tolerance. Why do I have such questions (and confusion) about what tolerance is and what it is not? Well, here is my reason:

Just recently, I have heard the same stories as everyone else about the removal of the prayer Banner at Cranston West and the renaming of the Christmas tree at the Rhode Island State House to "Holiday Tree" by Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chaffee. I have even gotten into serious discussions on my Facebook page with my friends and others who are on my "friends" list about these exact issues with the recent events and about what tolerance meant to all of us. Now I as a firm believer in tolerance, I am accepting of all the different diverse cultures, religions, and beliefs, in which the citizens of Rhode Island offer. However, when does having to rename a tree or even removing a banner at a school due to its religious significance have to do with tolerance? Well, this is a big confusion to me. As I was growing up in both the 1980's and the 1990's, there was a big emphasis on teaching tolerance of all diverse backgrounds and also the issue of political correctness. However, instead of teaching tolerance, my friends and I often see that we are inadvertently teaching intolerance. I was taught, by both my parents and my teachers, that tolerance is accepting everyone from all diverse backgrounds, no matter what they are. I was also taught that part of tolerance is being allowed to show pride for my background (a bi-racial woman with an Autism Spectrum disorder) without being harassed and/or judged by anyone else. That also includes anyone should be allowed to proudly display anything from their cultural background without being harassed and/or having to "hide" and not display it due to others who may not share the same background.

Now, I know about the laws dealing with the separation of church and state. This law allowed Governor Lincoln Chaffee to rename the tree displayed at the State House as the "Holiday Tree". But unfortunately, I have also witnessed such events occurring in situations, in which the "separation of church and state" law does not apply. Even in the apartment complex in which I live at, I witness others having to remove decorations from their own doors based on it "offending" someone else. My neighbors were quite upset and I happened to have "harped" in on their conversation, in which they had the same questions and concern that I had. How does displaying a Christmas wreath on one's door offend their non-Catholic neighbors? I know it may not be a part of their religious beliefs, but I would not get insulted if they were to display a Menorah or a decoration related to what their culture celebrates. How about when an openly gay student wears a Rainbow sticker with the words "Gay Pride" written on it and others say they are "offended" or "disgusted" by it? A person's sexual orientation should not offend anyone, nor should wearing a symbol that represents their community should either. I hear things where individuals feel uncomfortable and even offended by cultural or religious displays because those displays do not represent their own beliefs. I see that they may be uncomfortable, but to go as far as being offended, that is bit puzzling to me.

But just how is the displaying of cultural, religious, other diverse backgrounds offending? I could see if these displays had offensive words or signs such as ethnic slurs or even swastikas, in which it would be offensive. However, displaying a holiday decoration or wearing something that shows pride for one's culture is not offending, but actually beautiful. How about instead of complaining of being "offended" or even having someone remove a cultural or religious display, why not display something from all diverse cultures to that display. If anything, I would love such a diverse display because it shows the beauty that this world is: a world that has many diverse backgrounds, cultures, and religions all sharing this wonderful planet, living together in peace and harmony.

So my solution to all of this: Instead of hiding and removing our displays from our diverse background, we all should display something from all of our backgrounds. Whether it be a multi-cultural display of holiday scenes, or every student in the whole school wearing an article of clothing with a symbol or decoration of their heritage, it should be displayed and loved. No matter what your diverse backgrounds maybe, show it, be proud, and accept yourself and others, as well. Showing this pride will allow us to see all the wonderful diversity this world has to offer and that we all belong in this world. The world is meant to be a "colorful" place, one with all different backgrounds, cultures, religions, and other beautiful and wonderful diverse differences. Besides if we all looked the same and did the same things, this world would be a very boring place to live in.

Copyright Maya Lincoln and The Unfiltered Lens. Used With Author's Permission.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.