Larger-Sized Woman Loses Out Due To Inappropriate Dress

Dear Tazi:

My wife is a very large woman, and I do not have a problem with this. I love her for who she is, not for what the tags on her clothing say. "Rowena" does not feel the same acceptance that I feel for her, and she she works very hard to squeeze into the smallest size she can possibly wear - ignorant of the fact that she looks like an overstuffed sausage ready to burst.

To make the matter even more difficult, Rowena refuses to acknowledge her true size, claiming that clothes are being made smaller these days and that she is really a size 7, not a 22 (when she is truthfully closer to a size 28). When we are out and Rowena sees a woman dressed in clothes that are ill-fitting, she will loudly proclaim that not all women have her body and can wear her size - "a seven", she will always add. When I buy Rowena clothing for her birthday, Christmas, or even just as an unexpected gift she first checks the size tag, and won't even try it on if it is a larger size than she believes she wears.

Tazi, I love my wife - all of her - but I am afraid she is making a fool out of herself by dressing so inappropriately. She was recently passed over for a promotion at work, and was told that the reason was that they hired someone with "a more professional appearance". (The woman they hired is also "plus sized" but dresses to accomodate her curves, so I know my wife is not being discriminated against because of her weight). Rowena works in sales, and she would have made an excellent Sales Manager if not for her insistence on dressing the way she does. (Dress matters in this position because she would be professionally interacting with high level clients).

Rowena is really down about losing out on this promotion, and I think I have found a way to cheer her: I am considering taking her to be fitted for a new wardrobe by a professional tailor - this way, she will have a property fitting, professional-looking wardrobe with clothes that do not have size-tags sewn into them. I realize that this will be an expensive investment, but I have some money set aside and my wife is worth it to me. Do you think this is a good idea? I really don't know who to discuss it with, since my family - my side and Rowena's - all think she is batty when it comes to clothes and her refusal to wear anything that fits.

Signed,
Squeezed

Dear Squeezed:

I think your idea is a marvelous one! A lot of women are very sensitive about their size, and will actually tear out the size tags in their clothing, they are so upset by the number they see. At her heaviest, Oprah Winfrey was humiliated when she discovered that wardrobe had been sewing two suits together - a size 14 and a size 8 - in order to create a designer suit large enough to fit her. While this may sound humorous, I can assure you that for Miss Winfrey it was not!

America is a country obsessed with size - or, should I say, a lack of it, when it comes to women; the thinner a woman is, the better. Where is this image coming from, I wonder? While it is not true that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16, she was curvy and had an hourglass figure; when photographed in a swimsuit, her collar bones never poked out.

She only poked out in the right places!

It is my opinion that your wife needs counseling in order to accept and love herself as she is, not as she once was or as she wishes she could look; however, let that be a step of last resort. I suggest you tell your wife that you think she is gorgeous just the way she is, but if her wardrobe needs a redo than that is what will happen - courtesy of her loving husband! Once Rowena sees how good she can look in clothing that is tailored to her shape, she may be willing to ditch the sausage casings she has been wearing in favor of a more tailored, professional look, which in turn could help her career.

If Rowena refuses your offer, or insists on having the clothing tailored to a skin-tight look, try to coax her into something more appropriate for work. Do not mention her size, but rather say that a looser fit is more appropriate for the office. You could even add that it upsets you when she shows off her curves for the world to see, and that you would rather she reserve the view for you and you alone. You sound like a very generous and loving husband, and I wish you all the best! Shame on your family (both sides) for poking fun of your wife!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Grown Brother Cannot Stop Teasing His Sister, Influencing Her Children

Dear Tazi:

I am a woman in my thirties with a young family. I am trying to teach my children good manners, and to be genteel little beings in order to raise them right. My problem is my brother, “Jason”. The man never grew up – he thinks fart jokes are funny, and will crack on my disgust every chance he gets, usually in front of my children.

Every family dinner closes with Jason commenting how he “has to go take a dump” – something my young boys find hilarious, but is upsetting to me and my husband. We feel this kind of talk is not appropriate at the dinner table, or anywhere else for that matter.

With the holidays upon us, there will be several family gatherings in a short period of time, and thus much exposure to my brother’s sophomoric humor. My husband has asked me to speak to him, but every time I do Jason tells me I am being too serious, that I am raising my children to be “nerds who will get picked on”, and he lays the humor on even thicker than before. My boys are now 7 and 8 – old enough to know better, but still too young to understand why these jokes are inappropriate. My husband has told me that if Jason starts in with the fart jokes and comments about defecation that he will say something to him directly – and that it will settle the matter once and for all. I do not wish for my children to see their father and uncle arguing, so I am looking for a way to ease the tension before it starts.

Signed,
Genteel Lady

Dear Genteel Lady:

For some reason, kids find fart jokes and references to poop funny. I think it is because humans place such a strong taboo on these subjects. I find nothing at all funny about a dirty littler-box, yet that is something that is filled with poop!

Or other random objects that defy explanation...

I suggest that you stop trying to parent your brother and work instead on teaching your children that such subjects are not considered polite to discuss; ask them how they would feel if you invited the family in to watch them while they were using the toilet and tell them that this is basically what they are doing every time they talk about what they do in the bathroom, and what they are doing to someone else if they make fun of that person for passing gas or having tummy trouble that requires an extended trip to the bathroom.

Children – both boys and girls – like to push the limits of good taste when they do not understand why those limits exist. By explaining to them on a level that they can understand (and you know better than I what that level is) you can get the point across to your boys that there is a time and place for everything, and that the dinner table is neither the time nor the place to make crude jokes. Let them know that that your brother is making these jokes because he likes to tease you – I am sure they understand that this is how siblings sometimes interact – and that normally a gentleman does not make those kinds of jokes in front of a lady. By doing this, you are letting them know that your brother’s behavior is unacceptable but the reason for it is the sibling relationship between you two, and not that your brother is no gentleman (even if that may be the case, allow him to save face in front of the children).

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #66 - Hate Speech

Dear Readers:

This week I would like to take about hate speech. I was going to talk about the differences between chivalry and sexism (if you do it for both sexes its chivalrous; if you only do it for women its sexist) when I read a blog/commentary in The Washington Post about hate speech online; about how various protected groups receive better blocks against it than non-protected groups, and how the writer believed that, as odious as she found hate speech, it has its place in a free society; to complain about it can lead to feeling a backlash that can only hurt you or your career.

Hate speech is just that – speech, and in America we have the freedom of it, so long as it does not cross the line into harassment or destruction of property. For example, the YouTube channel Simple Pick Up documents both rude and crude behavior by men, who shout to women in the street in an attempt to get their attention, if not their phone numbers. The channel has received plenty of negative press, as well as a Change.org petition to have it yanked from YouTube, yet it continues with its antics. Why? Because it isn’t against the law to broadcast bad behavior; the harassment that is being filmed could be considered a legal misdemeanor, but it is up to the victims to file a complaint – not the American public. Personally, I think this online “show” serves a purpose: to weed out the types of men women do not want in their lives. Can you imagine surfing through videos and seeing the guy you’ve had your eye on treating women in this manner?

I have always argued that it is better to know what someone thinks of you – even if it is hurtful – than to not know and allow them to secretly sabotage you. For example, if you are a person of color would you want to work for someone who is secretly racist? If you had the option of knowing someone was racist before you accepted a job working for him or her, would you still take it? Women, if you knew a male employer was sexist would you still work for him? Generally speaking, if a person (man or woman) was anti-Semitic would you want to know this before accepting or refusing to work for that person? What if your employer is a member of NAMBLA? Would you still want even the most tenuous association with this person? Okay, so that last example wasn’t of hate speech, but it does drive home the point: when you associate with someone, people associate that person with you. This means that the habits of those with whom we gather are reflected back upon us.

Personally, I find hate speech odious – a word I have already used but I cannot think of one that better describes my feelings. Odious sounds like odor, which reminds me of a foul smell, and nothing makes me want to retch as much as a foul smell…except for the bigotry that is hate speech. 

Not even being forced to eat cat poo...

As much as I hate it, I, too, believe that hate speech has an important place in a free society: hate speech strips away the polite veneer we put forward for the outside world to see and reveals a person’s true colors. I would ask that those who participate in the act of expressing such opinions have the courage to speak them publicly, and not to hide behind an anonymous online handle like “aryan4life” or “KKKMan”; hiding behind the safety of your computer screen in the warm cocoon of anonymity shows the world that you are nothing more than a pathetic sack of human meat.

I live in the Northeast, which is to say I live in a part of the country where racism and bigotry are unacceptable in polite society, but I am not foolish enough to believe they do not exist in my corner of the world; hate is there, but it remains buried. I have seen women who work unpaid overtime in an attempt to earn a promotion, only to see it go to a man (who did little more than show up at the right place at the right time) because the boss is a sexist who thinks that women belong in the home, raising children, not in the workplace. I have heard tales of Black students being pushed out of a crowded elevator before it reaches their floor, the sounds of white laughter echoing in their ears as they held their heads high in the face of humiliation. With people packed elbow to elbow, it is hard to tell who did it…and the culprit too cowardly to come forward and stand behind their actions. I know gay men who have been beaten for no reason other than their sexuality. I have awoken to find swastikas spray-painted on Jewish temples and Satanic symbols on the walls of my own church. All I ask is that if you are going to cause such damage – to someone’s career, someone’s psyche, someone’s body, or someone’s property – at least have the courage of your own convictions to come forward and admit to them. This way, those who find your beliefs as odious as I find them can know to stay away from you, lest people start to think we are on your side. 

Snuggles to the rest of you, dear readers,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should A Person Tip The Counter-Person For A Plain, Black Coffee?

Dear Tazi:

I am out of work, so my income is very limited. My one treat is to meet my friends at a local coffee shop on Saturday mornings, where I order a plain coffee - no bells and whistles, no mochalattechino-extra-sweet-hold-the-foam; just a regular coffee, which I drink black. If it sounds like it takes very little effort to make my coffee the way I like it, that is because it does take very little effort to make my coffee the way I like it.

Because I drink my coffee so plain and because I am on a strict budget, I do not tip the teenager behind the counter who has the nerve to call herself a "Barista"; a trained monkey could make my coffee! Because I don't tip, the girl is less pleasant to me than she is to my friends; at times, she is downright hostile, practically throwing my coffee at me from across the counter in her rush to move on to the next customer, who presumably will tip her.

I have been considering complaining to the manager about this employee, but when I mentioned this to my group of friends a debate ensued. Some argued that the word "TIPS" is an acronym meaning "To Insure Prompt Service" and that by not tipping I should not be surprised by the poor service; others sided with me, saying that a black coffee is not something that is complicated to prepare and takes far less effort and expertise than a cappuccino or other upscale drink, so a tip should not be expected. Another friend argued that waitresses are paid below minimum wage and that their tips boost their income high enough to make a living, while a fourth friend pointed out that coffee-servers are not considered waitstaff and have to be paid at least minimum wage.

Tazi, my service is prompt; it is just not particularly courteous. My server is a teenager who, from what I have overheard, lives at home with her parents and does not yet have to worry about making a living. Am I committing a social faux pas by not tipping? What is your take on the situation?

Signed,
On A Budget

Dear On A Budget:

My take on the situation is that the little acronym your friend used is grammatically incorrect. To insure something limits your financial liability in the event of litigation; to ensure something is to take steps to guarantee that an event or condition occurs to your satisfaction. Sorry if this is off-topic, but incorrect grammar is a pet peeve of mine! (And of Grammar Girl's...she backs me up on this one!).

As for my opinion of tipping the Barista - which is what she is, if she has been professionally trained to make fancy coffee drinks - is that you should tip according to the amount of effort that went into preparing your beverage. "Barista" is the Italian word for "bartender"; would you not tip the bartender because all they did was pop the cap off of a beer for you? Would you tip him or her a dollar for this service, or would you just leave the coins from your change on the bar?

I admit that pouring someone a black coffee takes no special effort and that the Barista is just doing the job for which she is probably paid minimum wage plus tips. Since her attitude towards you is as bitter as a French Roast I am not going to suggest you tip her in order to improve her personality; this amounts to no more than blackmail on her part - tip me or else I'll be a jerk to you is no way to treat a customer.

If the coffee shop has a comment card than I suggest you fill one out, writing the Barista's name and what she can do to improve her attitude towards customers. If after a reasonable amount of time you do not see an improvement, you should then mention something to the manager. I also suggest that if you or your friends order something that needs to be made to your specific tastes - and if it was made well - that you drop your loose change into the tip jar; it's the courteous thing to do for someone who provides you with good, personalized service. As comedian Chris Rock put it, minimum wage is an insult; it's like saying "Hey, if I could pay you less I would - but it's against the law".

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sister Schedules Cesarean For HIS Birthday! Is He Overreacting?

Dear Tazi:

My birthday has always been special to me, and I know I am being childish...but I can't help it! My birthday is my day to be the center of the universe for 24-hours. I give a lot to others, and it is the one time I am comfortable getting back some of the attention I give.

My sister - who was always the center of attention, regardless of the day or event - is expecting her first child. Due to complications, the doctor has strongly recommended a Cesarean birth and has offered her a few possible days for the procedure, one of which is my birthday. Even though any other day was as good, she chose to give birth on my birthday, thinking it would be "fun" for me to share a birthday with my first-born niece. I do not think this will be "fun" and I think my sister knows this; I think she is using her child to see me overshadowed once again.

Growing up, "Sally" was always given a pass by our parents because she was younger and she was a girl. Being older and a boy, responsibility was always ladled on me. The older I got, the more responsibilities I was given. Sally always got to do what she wanted, which was usually to follow me around and do whatever I was doing. I was never so glad to move away to college, although I have come to value Sally as a sister now that we are both adults. I guess that's why this hurts so much - it's Sally getting to be the center of attention (again) at my expense.

I asked Sally if she would reconsider having her baby on my birthday, that my birthday is the one thing I have for myself and that I don't want people to forget about it in the excitement of the new baby, but she didn't take it well. She was very hurt, and started to cry, saying she couldn't believe I would take out my issues on an innocent little baby. Tazi, I don't think I have issues; I just want to feel like I am coming first...for once. Am I wrong for asking Sally to reschedule?

Signed,
Always Second

Dear Always Second:

Scheduling a Cesarean birth is not like making an appointment with the hairdresser; it requires several schedules to come together all at once to make sure that everything goes according to plan. For this reason alone I am going to ask you not to ask your sister to reschedule her birth date again. Once was enough!  I will ask you to try and see things from Sally's point of view:

From your letter, it sounds like Sally idolized you when she was growing up, and that there is still quite a bit of love for you. I do not doubt the sincerity of her wish - that her child share a birthday with you because she loves you and wants her child to have that connection to you, not because she is trying to steal your day. Is there room in your heart to share your special day with your first-born niece? Think of the special bond the two of you will have, having been born on the same day! You can be "birthday buddies" as well as Uncle and niece! I should think that this would bring you twice the attention!

Try to remember that the only way people will forget that it is your birthday as well as your niece's is if you let them forget - so do what I do and make a big, fat, hairy deal out of the day!

For a cat, this IS enthusiastic! 

Most important, remember that not everyone you know will know your niece, so there will always be people around to wish you - and you exclusively - a very happy birthday.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I would like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to a very special girl who was born on my Mommie's half-birthday (that's today): HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY A.G.T.!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is $500 A Year Too Much To Spend On Hair Care?

Dear Tazi:

I have long, curly hair that requires quite a bit of maintenance to keep looking good. I go to the hairdresser for a trim every eight weeks, and purchase salon products to wash and style my hair. I realize these are expensive, but I use them sparingly so one bottle of shampoo will last me for several months so the cost evens out a bit when compared with the brands sold in retail stores (which do not work as well on my hair; I have tried them all and I have to use more for less results).

My problem is that my husband is nagging me about the amount of money I spend on hair care. As year-end approaches, he has added up the total amount of my salon visits and hair products, and showed me that I have spend roughly $500 on cuts, highlights, and washing/styling products so far this year. He compared my spending to his hair-care spending, commenting he gets his hair cut once a month at the barber and spends only $15 per cut. I know we need to watch our budget, but I don't believe that my personal appearance should suffer for it!

I pointed out to my husband that he was not counting the price of his dandruff shampoo and conditioner ($10/set) and that he goes through one bottle of each per month, adding $120 to his "tab". I pointed out that his monthly supply of [men's hair coloring] is another $10/box, adding another $120 to his "tab", bringing it to a total that is darn close to mine! He argued that his products are necessary and that mine are not.

I asked my husband what he meant when he said his products were "necessary" and he told me that my highlights are "for fun" while his hair coloring is necessary to hide his gray and give him a youthful look in the workplace. He told me that I could easily go to a chain salon rather than the boutique and save a few hundred dollars per year. While this may be true, I have a great working relationship with my hairdresser and I do not wish to abandon it to save a few hundred dollars. I have suggested we look for other ways to save money, but he is being adamant that my hair care has to go - and has suggested that I cut my hair off into a pixie cut to accomplish this!

Tazi, it has been two days and I am still not speaking to my husband. Maybe I am being vain...but I love my hair! It is my one indulgence, whereas my husband has several. I think he should have to give up golf...or video games...or his cable-TV sports package...or something! Right?

Signed,
Stay At Home Mom

Dear Stay At Home Mom:

I thought your husband was a control freak until I got to your signature. Now I see that he is a control freak with a God complex. It appears that your husband thinks that because he earns the paycheck he should have full say and control over how it is spent. I disagree with this - just because your work does not result in a paycheck does not mean that it does not result in an increased bottom line for your family budget.

While you do not work in a professional office, I can understand your desire to look nice. Being a stay-at-home-Mom can result in stained clothes, frayed nerves, and unshaven legs all in the name of putting the children first, so it is nice to be able to have one thing about yourself that keeps you connected to the woman you were before you became a Mom. She's still in there; let her shine through!  It will make you a better Mom by making you a happier woman. Is this something you can explain to your husband?

If your husband wants to save a few dollars, I suggest that he cut back in the areas you suggest - so long as it doesn't kill his career! Wouldn't want the gray hair to say "old" instead of "experience"! Seriously, though, if golf and pro-sports games are how he networks with his business connections, they will have to stay; however, I find his accounting for your every penny while discounting his own costs to be a real problem.

I suggest that the two of you sit down together and examine why your husband feels his treats and perks are more deserved than yours; you may have to do this in the office of a marriage counselor, but perhaps that is what your marriage needs at this point (there is no shame in this; think of the counselor as a coach - even the great Tom Brady listens to Coach Belichick!).

I also suggest that you look at your budget as a whole, and not cherry-pick items that your husband thinks are too expensive. The bottom line just may be getting weighed down by his excessive spending, and not your occasional perk.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Elderly Father Now Reaps What He Sowed...So Why Does Daughter Feel Guilty?

Dear Tazi:

My father is a mean, miserable, crotchety old man who never cared a lick for anyone but himself. When times got tough he divorced my mother and married his secretary – but not before secretly transferring his business to her (for a dollar, to make it legally binding) and hiding all of his other assets. He was living the high life with his new wife, while Mom struggled to raise me and my brothers.  I was working full-time by the age of 16, just to help make ends meet, while my father was driving around in a new sports car – a “gift” from his wife, who held all of their accounts so he could pay as little as possible in child support in order to keep up with his preferred lifestyle.

Shortly before my youngest brother’s 18^th birthday my father’s wife left him, and he was left to rebuild his life with only half of the financial assets. My mother told me not to be so gleeful about his misery, that it was not Christian, and that I needed to learn to forgive; that my father’s leaving had helped to make me the hard working success I was becoming. For my Mom’s sake I have tried to forgive my father, and I thought I had until now.

My father lives two hours away from me and took a massive heart attack last week. He lived through it, but once he is discharged from the hospital he will have to go to a nursing home for rehabilitation, since he lives alone and there will be nobody nearby to help with his care. He will only be allowed a short stay in rehab and then he will be sent back home. My father has called me and told me that I will have to come and care for him; that it is my “duty” as his only daughter.

I have told my father that I already have a full-time job and that I will not be commuting to his house twice a day, before and after work, and on weekends to take care for him. He then suggested that I take a leave of absence from work; I wanted to suggest that he go to Hell, but I remembered my Mom’s words about remaining Christian and instead told him to hire a visiting nurse, that I am sure his health insurance will pay for it.

Tazi, I know that I am doing the right thing by doing what is best for me and that my father is now reaping the seeds he sowed all those years ago…so why do I feel guilty that I am not putting myself out to help the man? Could I be doing more for him? He is my father, even if he is a real stinker of one. More importantly, should I be doing more to help him? He has not asked anything of my brothers, and they in turn would refuse him if he did; my youngest brother hasn’t seen our father since he was 8 years old.  On the one hand, I feel like I am his only hope; on the other hand, I feel like he doesn’t deserve to have hope.

Signed,

??????

Dear ??????:

Not knowing you I cannot tell you why you feel guilty about not helping your father. I can only speculate that you have been raised to forgive, forget, and move on from the hurt. You need to remember that forgiving does not mean painting a target on your back for people to dump all over you once again.

Forgiveness is not for the other person – it is for you. Forgiveness allows you to free your soul from the anger that weighs it down when it is overloaded with the pain of being hurt. While you may want to forgive your father for his physical and financial abandonment of you as a child, you don’t have to thank him for it. You became the successful woman you are today through your own hard work; the only part his abandonment played was to create the need for the determination to succeed.

You may also be feeling a desire to reconcile old hurts before you can fully put them behind you. Your father’s demand that you serve him in his time of need is a reflection of his selfishness (and sexism, since he is only making these demands of you because you are female) and this is a personality facet that he will have to reconcile on his own. If you feel the desire to be there for your father, you should do so on your own terms, not on the terms he dictates to you. If you have the time to spare a weekend or two to go and see him, I suggest you make the effort. Seeing this once proud man reduced to frailty may help you to sort out your emotions towards him and see him for what he is – a fallible human being who has reaped the miseries he once sowed upon others. Although I doubt a loving relationship will ever be rekindled between the two of you, you will at least know that you have done all you can to help, which may ease your conscience when you give his outrageous requests a firm “no”.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi’s Corner #65 – The Commercialization Of Christmas (Quiz)

Dear Readers:

Now that Halloween has passed the Christmas decorations are going up in earnest and the complaints that Christmas has become too commercial (and that Hanukkah, as one reader put it, “gets shafted”) are flying fast and furiously. People are screaming that we skip right over Thanksgiving and large retailers from Target to Nordstrom are listening by waiting until the day after Thanksgiving to put up the Christmas decorations. The truth is they are up before Thanksgiving is actually over; you just don’t actually see them until the stores open their doors at Midnight on Black Friday, the first official minute after Thanksgiving (which ironically forces employees to give up their holiday to come in and decorate).

Do you see the hypocrisy here? Are you a part of the problem or a part of the solution? After researching the matter until I was thoroughly exhausted (and keep in mind that cats get exhausted quickly and easily) I came up with the following quiz for you to take – and send to your friends to take – to see if you are a part of the reason that Christmas* has become so commercialized:

*I do not mean to leave out my Jewish brethren, but this year Hanukkah starts the day after Thanksgiving and is completely left out of the annual madness. Feel free to have fun with this quiz just the same; I included an option for you on every question! No offense is meant to my Atheist, Wiccan, Muslim, and other readers of non-traditional American beliefs either; have fun pointing out the hypocrisy that has taken over the season.

The Commercialization Of Christmas Quiz

By Tazi J. Kat

1.       If you send them, when do you buy your Christmas cards:

a.       Before Thanksgiving, as soon as I see them for sale, so I can have them signed, sealed, and ready to deliver the weekend after Thanksgiving

b.      Sometime between Christmas and New Year’s (you can get a great sale price after the holiday!)

c.       I am Jewish. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find Happy Hanukkah cards among all this Christmas stuff???

2.       Your wrapping paper is decorated with pictures of:

a.       Santa Claus, Christmas trees, skating penguins, and other winter themes

b.      The Madonna and Child, scenes from a manger, and other religious pictures

c.       I’m Jewish! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find wrapping paper with Menorahs on it among all this Christmas stuff???

3.       It’s sometime between Midnight and 6:00 AM on Black Friday and lucky you, you have the day off from work! Where are you?

a.       Out shopping – this is when you get the best sales on the best stuff! It will all be gone by 8 AM!

b.      At home, sleeping. There’ll be other sales between now and Christmas

c.       I’m Jewish! I’m at home preparing the big feast I am hosting tonight, in celebration of Hanukkah. (Incidentally, my gift shopping is long done; thanks for all the Hanukkah sales, retailers!)

4.       To you, the meaning of Christmas is:

a.       An opportunity to spend time with my loved ones and to show love through the giving and receiving of presents (we have to have presents!)

b.      A celebration of my religious faith

c.       A day off with pay, thanks to the religious-bias of the Federal holiday system that requires me to take personal days to observe Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (yep; I’m Jewish!)

5.       You wish people…

a.       “Happy Holidays” or “Seasons Greetings”; I don’t want to offend anyone and besides there are several holidays happening in December

b.      “Merry Christmas”, since America is overwhelming Christian, but will stand corrected if the person celebrates something else and wish them a “Happy ______”

c.       Would recognize that not everyone celebrates the Christian holidays and that the Judaic culture has contributed a great deal to the American culture – like that bagel and schmear they are eating

6.       You take your Christmas tree down:

a.       The day after Christmas – the holiday is over

b.      Sometime between January 1 and the day after the Feast of the Epiphany – Christmas is 12 days long

c.       I don’t have a Christmas tree to take down (but my menorah comes down the day after Hanukkah ends)

7.       What are your thoughts on 24/7 Christmas songs on the radio:

a.       I love them and look forward to them starting in mid-November

b.      I think they should hold off until Christmas week, and even then I switch the station to one that plays a mix of music

c.       Why in the world are Barbara Streisand and Bette Midler (two nice Jewish girls!) singing Christmas songs? Oy vey!

8.       Do you take your kids to see Santa at the mall?

a.       Yes; in fact, we go to the Santa parade and breakfast every year to watch him arrive

b.      Yes, but usually not until mid-December, if at all. Christmas is about Christ, not Santa!

c.       Hey, Santa! I’m Jewish! 

9.       On Christmas Eve/Day, do you attend religious services?

a.       No. My kids are young and really wouldn’t understand the meaning of it. Maybe when they are older, but then again I haven’t been to church in years so maybe not

b.      Always, without fail, unless I am sick in bed which means I am also too sick to celebrate Christmas

c.       Do you really need to ask? 

Bringon the Chinese food and pay-per view!

10.   The day after Christmas you feel:

a.       Let down. So much work went into it and now it’s all over for another year

b.      Contented. Christmas has a way of filling my soul with faith and warn feelings

c.       Hung over. Let me tell you, I had a wild time at this year’s Matzo Ball!

BONUS QUESTION!

11.   Do you own an Elf on the Shelf?

a.       Yes, and I move it faithfully every night! I even pull it out for other holidays, too!

b.      No/My answer may as well be no for all the attention I pay to it.

c.       I am so glad that Hanukkah has not been co-opted by the retailers!

If you got:

Mostly A’s: You are part of the problem about which so many people are complaining. If you are one of the complainants you need to, as Michael Jackson suggested, start with the man in the mirror and make that change. If on the other hand you are happy just the way you are you may want to keep that opinion to yourself lest Bill O’Reilly and his FOX News followers come after you with pitchforks and flaming clubs.

Mostly B’s: You are doing your best to keep Christ in Christmas, and have the right to complain that the holiday has become far too commercial. Your next step is to write or email retailers and let them know that you will not stand idly by as they turn your Advent period into a three-ring circus. To stay silent is to give your blessing.

Mostly C’s: I thank you for staying with me this far! I hope your Hanukkah preparations are going smoothly and that your Festival of Lights is a joyous one! (Only two weeks to go – have you finished your shopping yet? Can you save me a honey puff or two?).

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Long-Time Friendship Teetering Over Lack Of Guest Soaps, Respect

Dear Tazi:

Maybe I am being petty and maybe I am not, but I think my issue has more to do with respect for another person’s property than it does about the cost of soap. That’s right; soap.

Against my better judgment I hosted a few house-guests this past summer – old friends of my husband, “Barney and Betty”. The week of their arrival I scrubbed my house from top to bottom and made sure everything was shiny and clean. Since we only have one bathroom in my house, I put out extra towels – not guest towels, mind you, because I do not think I should have to spend good money on towels that won’t get used except for when I have overnight guests which is rare, but freshly washed clean towels for anybody’s use.

My guests used their towels once and then put them in the laundry, requiring me to put fresh towels out the next day which was an inconvenience for me, but a minor one that I allowed to pass. What upset me is that, at the end of the weekend, Betty threw out the fresh new bar of soap I had put in the bathroom. When I found it in the trash I asked who put it there and Betty replied that she did; she

thought she was doing the right thing by tossing “the guest soap” so I didn’t confuse it with my regular bar of soap. I explained to Betty that she did not toss “the guest soap” because there was no guest soap – that fresh bar of soap was for everyone to use. Betty shot me a look like she had just eaten something bad and choked out an “Oh”. That was all! No apology for throwing away an entire bar of soap!

It has been several weeks since their visit and I never received a thank you card from Betty thanking me for my hospitality, but my husband, “Fred”, just got off the phone with Barney who mentioned that they will be in town again for the holidays and would love to see us. I told Fred that I would never host them again after the way Betty acted, first throwing away a perfectly good bar of soap and then failing to thank me for my hospitality! Fred told me that it wouldn’t be a problem; that Betty and Barney would be staying at a hotel. The way Fred said this left me with suspicions as to why.

I pushed my husband into telling me what he knew but was not telling – it was obvious he was keeping a secret from me – and he broke down, telling me that Betty felt I was “unhygienic” and she had been “physically ill” over the idea of using someone else’s bar of body soap. Well! If Miss High and Mighty needs her own, personal bar of soap to scrub her nether bits than she can just stay at a hotel!

I have no desire to see Betty again; not until she apologizes to me for throwing out my soap and reacting like it was something contaminated when I told her that it was not her personal bar. Fred says I am making too big a deal out of things; that Betty and Barney were our guests and that I should have let them go on thinking that we had set a guest bar of soap out for them. He says when you really think about it, using someone else’s bar of body soap is a rather intimate act, and he can see why Betty would be upset. I say he is full of hogwash! A bar of soap is clean; it is an antibacterial agent that is used to clean the skin and kill germs, so it is not like you are going to catch some kind of disease off of it (and for the record I do not have any diseases!).

Fred has asked me to set aside my anger with Betty and forgive the slight of not sending a thank you note; that from her point of view it is she who deserves an apology. Have I broken some kind of rule of etiquette by not putting out guest soap? Or am I the wronged party here?

Signed,

Wilma

Dear Wilma:

I can see your point about soap being an antibacterial cleaning agent, but I can also see your husband’s point of view – that a bar of body soap is used to scrub our intimate places – so I can understand why Betty felt physically ill over the idea of your, ahem, “vajayjay” and “tuchus” snuggled up to the soap she is now lathering all over her body.   

The use of bath sponges (or “shower poofies” as my Mommie calls them) and liquid soaps and bath gels have largely overcome the issue of whether or not it is OK to share a bar of body soap with someone other than your intimate partner (hand soap is still OK). I am going to suggest that both you and Betty let the matter drop and pretend it never happened.

In the future, should you host house-guests, you may want to invest in a cheap bath sponge and a trial sized bottle of shower gel for your guests to use. As humans become more and more conscious of germs and how they spread, they are becoming more and more aware of the ways they come in contact with each other – and the communal bar of body soap is something that leaves a lot of people feeling unclean, no matter how much they scrub with it.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Seventh Grade Lunch-Room Love Can Be A Soap Opera

Dear Tazi:

I am in the seventh grade and I broke my arm during gym class and now I need someone to carry my books for me to and from class. Usually my best friend “Kara” does it for me, but sometimes Kara and I are going in different directions so that is when I need someone else to do it for me. A boy in my class, “Derek” has been carrying my stuff for me when I go to math and science, because Kara and I are in different classes then and Derek is in both my math and science class.

My boyfriend “Carl” found out that Derek was carrying my books for me and got really mad. He yelled at me and told me that he doesn’t want Derek or any other boy carrying my books for me and that I should ask someone else to do it. I don’t want to be mean to Derek because he has been so nice to me and I think telling Derek that my boyfriend doesn’t want him carrying my books would be mean so I told Carl that he could tell Derek himself because I wasn't.

Carl caught up with Derek at lunch today and told him he would beat him up if he heard that Derek was still carrying my books, and Derek told him to go ahead and try. Derek knows Tae Kwan Do which I think is something like karate and Carl told him that Derek would like that, wouldn’t he, to beat up on a guy with his karate moves. Derek called Carl stupid and told him that Tae Kwan Do isn’t karate and that he wouldn’t waste his moves fighting a loser like Carl when he could just beat him up regular. That was when a teacher came over and broke things up, but Derek promised to meet Carl “anytime, anywhere”.

Now Carl is really mad at Derek because he made him look like a chicken who is afraid to fight and he keeps yelling at me that it is my fault that Derek made him look stupid in front of everybody. If I hadn’t let another boy carry my books he would never had to stand up to Derek like that. I don’t think it was my fault at all and I don’t like the way Carl is talking to me and blaming me for the way Derek embarrassed him.

My best friend Kara says that she thinks Derek likes me and that is why he carries my books for me and why he stood up to Carl, to try and impress me. Now that I know this and now that Carl is acting like a big jerk I want to break up with Carl and date Derek, but only if I know for sure that Derek likes me. Carl and I have been dating for three weeks now and that is a long time to invest in a relationship. I don’t want to throw it all away for something that might not last and end up with no boyfriend at all. My friends all say I should definitely date Derek, but I am not sure I like Derek that way. I think I just like the way he stood up to Carl and the way he carries my books for me. He makes me feel special. Is that what love is?

Signed,

Looking For Love

Dear Looking For Love:

My, what a complicated situation you have! Seventh grade can be tough, no doubt about it! From what you tell me, it does sound like Derek likes you and yes, when someone likes you they try to make you feel special. It sounds to me like Carl does not try to make you feel special but instead tries to control you. This is not a good thing. I realize that in the world of a twelve year old girl three weeks is a lot of time to invest in a relationship, and I know that being without boyfriend can seem like a fate worse than death, so you need to ask yourself: can you see yourself spending another three weeks with Carl, especially if staying with Carl means having to do what he says? You are too young to be committing yourself to a boy who will dictate your every move and decision. Wait; let me re-phrase that: nobody should commit his or her self to someone who is going to dictate their every move! You are a partner, not a pet!

Whether you break up with Carl or not should have nothing to do with how you feel about Derek and everything to do with how you feel about being with Carl. If you do not want to continue your relationship with Carl then you should break up with him, even if it means being alone. Sometimes, when we are looking for love, we take a wrong turn or two and end up in a dead-end. When that happens, you need to turn yourself around and find your way back onto the path that will move you forward. Maybe Derek is on that path and maybe he is not, but is certainly seems to me that Carl is a dead end!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Cheap Friend Uses Creative Math To Avoid Paying Fair Share

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is beyond cheap. Whenever a group of us get together, she will refuse to split the tab evenly if her meal came to less than the average amount because it is costing her more than she would have to pay otherwise. If it comes to more than the average amount she will agree to split the tab evenly, because this means she is saving money.

“Danica” plays this little game in such a way that we can’t force her to pay a fair share. For example, sometimes she will order a moderately priced meal and when the bill comes she will say that she only has enough cash to cover what her meal came to – not the few dollars more to cover the average. She will offer to put the entire tab on her debit card if everyone will give her the cash to deposit. Of course nobody has exact change and it would be difficult to ask the server to make change for so many of us, so we all throw in a $20 bill and Danica ends up paying almost nothing for her meal. Other times, Danica will order a more expensive entrée and quietly put in $15 – $20 as her “share” of the tab, even if her part of the meal came to much more. Either way, she makes out in the end and the rest of us end up paying a good deal more than our share.

My group of friends ranges in number from six to ten people, depending on who is available, and we try to get together once a month, so some of us are there one month but others and have not been able to catch onto Danica’s tricks. Danica and I are among the few that do manage to make the get-togethers every month, which is why I have been able to catch onto her money-saving trick. Quite honestly, I am disgusted. I would like to approach Danica about this problem, but I don’t want to cause bad blood within the group. It is not like Danica is struggling for money – she has a good job and lives at home with her mother, who does not charge her rent, so there really is no reason why Danica should not contribute her fair share. Can you think of a way around this problem that does not involve directly accusing Danica of being cheap – even though I know she is?

Signed,

Generous To A Fault

Dear Generous to A Fault:

How is it that all of you happen to have a $20 bill on you when you go to lunch? Could it be that you stop by the ATM before going to the restaurant where you all meet up for your meal? To me, this is the most logical explanation as to why none of you have smaller bills. I suggest that the next time you are getting ready to go to lunch, call Danica before she leaves the house and suggest that she stop by the ATM before heading to the restaurant so she will have enough cash on her to pay her share of the tab. This gentle hint should not go unheeded if in fact Danica has been trying to cheat the other members of your party into paying for her lunch.

If, at the end of the meal, Danica starts to play her game of cheat-the-tab you can comment then, suggesting that the tab  would be divided more equitably if you all made change for a $20 bill and paid the amount closest to the nearest dollar owed. If an explanation is requested, simply smile and say “I always end up paying several dollars more than the cost of my meal and my wallet is starting to feel the hit”.  No further explanation will be needed, as there will be others at the table who have experienced the same.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Numberphobic" Needs To Learn Math!

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I am not sure how to address: I am an adult and I have never learned how to count money or balance a checkbook.

I never had an allowance as a child; my parents always paid for everything or gave me exact change for things like movie tickets with friends. For Christmas and birthdays I would get gift cards, so I never had to worry about making sure the cashiers gave me proper change. As an adult, I put everything on my credit card and pay the balance at the end of the month or use my debit card, making darn sure that the balance is high enough that my charges will not result in overdraft. I have never over-drafted and I have excellent credit, so I must be doing something right!

My situation becomes a problem because my boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together – and sharing our expenses. He has asked me to take care of the finances because he believes I am good with money, seeing as how I pay off my credit cards every month and have never, ever bounced a check. How do I tell him the truth, that I can’t do basic math?

Signed,

Numberphobic

Dear Numberphobic:

Take a deep breath and exhale slowly, letting out your stress and fear with it. Doesn't that feel good? Now, repeat after me: “I am not the only adult in America who cannot count money”. Believe it or not, you aren't. A lot of Americans cannot handle this basic concept, and with the propensity of credit and debit card use rising all the time the issue is becoming more and more severe – so much so that community colleges and community centers are offering course in basic business math, where students learn how to count money and make change; reconcile a checking account statement; calculate simple and compound interest; and figure commissions and taxes on sales and purchases.

Cats are good at math, but not this good!

Your boyfriend has asked you to take charge of your finances because he thinks you are good at it. Could it be that he, too, has never mastered the skill of handling money? I suggest that the best way to tell your boyfriend that you cannot do basic math is to tell him that you cannot do basic math. The direct way is always the best way to deliver a simple truth. Explain to him that you have never over-drafted your accounts because you prefer to use a credit card or gift card to pay for purchases, which cannot overdraft, and that you have never actually reconciled your checking account at the end of the month. He may be surprised, but that shock is only because you appear so capable.

If your boyfriend knows how to count money and balance a checkbook, ask him to teach you; it can be a project you undertake as a couple and a step in the right direction for you as individuals, and as a couple. I firmly believe that both members of a relationship should be aware of the joint finances. If your boyfriend is also weak in the area of personal bookkeeping the two of you should take a class together in order to get these skills down pat. Consider it just one more way the two of you can grow as a couple.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Son Of A Wayward Mom Needs A Way Out

Dear Tazi:

I am 15 years old and the byproduct of a one-night-stand that my mom had. I have a younger brother and his Dad was a boyfriend of my Mom’s in the loosest of terms. I think “friend with benefits” would be a better description.

I remember how when I was little my Mom would always bring guys home to sleep over. I was supposed to call them “uncle” but I never did. I remember once when I was seven or eight a woman called the house and left a message on the answering machine calling my Mom a “whore”. I never did find out who that woman was, but I did learn the meaning of the word whore and had to admit that my Mom fit the description. She was always accepting expensive presents from these guys. My grandparents never defended my Mom when people looked down on her or talked bad about her and I am afraid it is because everything people were saying was true.

I started high school this year, and there are kids from other middle schools than my old one so I am meeting a lot of new people. One of the kids I go to school with is a very pretty, popular girl that everyone likes. I’ll call her “Kris”. When her Mom came to pick her up from school the other day she saw me with my Mom and recognized Mom from a long time ago when I was just a kid. I guess Kris’ Mom told her a few stories about my Mom because today there was a stupid fight in the cafeteria.  I asked Kris to a school dance, not realizing that she had a boyfriend. He overheard me asking and before she could answer he told me to “go f—k [my] mother, that every other guy in the county has so why not me?”

The insult really hurt because I know the guy was exaggerating but I didn't know what to say. Mom still brings guys home every weekend (I now stay at my grandparents’ house on weekends because of it). I want to tell my Mom that she is embarrassing me and that I am worried about her but I don’t know how. I also want to protect my little brother from the things that I am hearing and he might when he gets a little older. I love my Mom but I don’t like the way she lives her life. I am hoping people will just forget what they have heard. Do you think they will?

Signed,

Son Of A W____

Dear Son Of A W____:

First, you need to wash your mouth out with lye soap for referring to your mother by that nasty word (which I have censored!)! What she is in the eyes of others does not change the fact that she is the woman who gave birth to you! She is your mother and you will respect her! Do you understand? Like Bill Cosby says, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"

Now available on T-shirts!

Now, I sincerely doubt your mother is going to change her habits at this late date, so I am going to suggest that you do your best to distance yourself from them. Ask your grandparents if you can have a key to their house so you can come over as needed, when needed, in order to feel safe and comfortable. Make sure your mother has some form of personal protection in case one of her “dates” turns violent (I recommend pepper spray by the bedside and 9-1-1 on speed dial); tell her point-blankly that you are worried about her safety and that her behavior is starting to affect the way people are treating you.

If someone makes a rude comment about your mother, look the person squarely in the eye and say “I didn't realize your Mom was the Virgin Mary!” then walk away. The more emotional you get when you react the more people are going to try and get a reaction out of you. In high school, everyone is trying to fit in and someone is always standing out so sooner or later this, too, shall blow over and someone else will be the headline of the week.

If you can, enlist the services of your school guidance counselor or another trusted adult who has been trained to deal with the difficult logistics of this situation. Your mother’s behavior is abusively unstable – to herself, and to you and your younger brother. You should not have to flee to your grandparents’ house every weekend in order to avoid running into your mother’s latest bed-partner. Hopefully, an intervention will open your mother’s eyes to all that is happening around her.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

College Student Wants Ski Trip; Parents Want Family Time During Semester Break

Dear Tazi:

I am away at college, several hours from home, so I don’t see my family as often as my parents would like. This is my senior year and my friends are all planning a ski trip for the winter break, the second week in January. I would like to go, but it would mean not visiting my family since I cannot afford both airfare home and to the Vermont resort that they have booked. Can you see where this is going?

For the past three years I have paid my own airfare to and from college as the compromise I made with my parents when they gave me their blessing and support to attend school so far from home. This is the final year I will have with my friends and I would like to spend the semester break with them. I will be paying the rent on my apartment over the break, so I might as well stay here and continue to work my part-time job instead of spending six weeks at home alone, bored, and scrounging for temp work for five of them. My parents see things differently.

Every Christmas my extended family gets together for a big celebration and I am expected to be there, which is why I went last year only to find that half of my cousins were not there – they were off with their boyfriends or girlfriends families! I am tired of coming home to see people I only see once a year, but have done it out of respect for my parents. Now that my generation is starting to drift off and do their own thing for the holidays, I think I should be allowed to do the same. My parents disagree and are arguing that after I graduate I may never come home again and they want to have “one last Christmas’ with me. I would buy this argument if they didn’t give my older sister the same argument ten years ago, only to see her move home after college and find a job only a few miles away.

How can I get my parents to see the logic in letting me spend this one last holiday with my friends, since they will most likely have moved on by this time next year?

Signed,

Growing Up

Dear Growing Up:

If it hadn’t been for your school email address I would have thought you were pranking me with a Very Brady Christmas story! You have to admit the resemblance of your story to Cindy Brady’s is very c lose! However, I am not going to advise you to pull a Cindy and pull out on your friends because Mom and Dad have called you home; I am going to suggest you put your big girl pants on and face the situation head-on.

Explain to your parents that last Christmas your cousins all went their own way, and that the Christmas they expected was not the Christmas that occurred. Explain to them that you and your friends will most likely not be staying in the Midwest after graduation and that this may be the only big trip you will get to take with them. Tell them that you have an apartment, a job, and responsibilities were you are now and that six weeks back home between semesters is five weeks too much, since everyone but you is at work during the day. Then, tell your parents that you cannot afford both airfare home and airfare to Vermont and that you will be going to Vermont! If they want to see you for Christmas, they will have to pay your airfare home. This is their half of the compromise. Your half will be to sacrifice a few weeks pay and/or vacation time to go home and spend the week between Christmas and New Year’s with your family.

If your parents threaten to pull their financial support out from under you, you will have to decide which is more important to you – graduating student-loan free or making college memories on a ski trip. It is hard to put a price on either one, but like your signature says you are “growing up”; part of doing that is learning to make the hard decisions life throws at you.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Americans! Remember To Change Your Clocks Tonight!

Dear Readers:

Tonight ends Daylight Savings Time in the states that observe it (see, Arizona? I didn't forget about you!).

Remember to turn your clocks back an hour before you go to bed tonight, and to make sure that your pets' food and water bowls are full. While you may sleep in an hour, they will be up - and hungry - at their regular time. For me, That is 2 AM.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A House Divided Needs To Tone Down The Debate

Dear Tazi:

I live in a house divided. My college student daughter (who still lives at home) has always had more moderate political beliefs than her very conservative father (my husband) but over the last few months, as Congress has become more and more contentious, so has the relationship between my family members.

I will admit that I have never been politically active, but I try to keep abreast of the goings on by reading the newspaper. My husband subscribes to the National Review and the Limbaugh Letter while my daughter prefers more liberal but mainstream publications like Time and the New Yorker. Both seem well-read, so when they go at it over the dinner table I find it hard to try and moderate between the two of them. I have tried to implement a “no political talk at the dinner table” rule, but they just move it into the den while I am trying to watch Wheel ofFortune and Jeopardy! Can you think of any way to put a halt to the cantankerousness between these two?

Signed,

Stuck In the Middle

Dear Stuck In the Middle:

Since your family has found a way around your “no political talk” rule you will need to find a way to get them to respect each other’s arguments. If they refuse to agree to disagree, I suggest that you implement a “scholarly source” rule. As a college student, this is something that may sound familiar to your daughter.

None of the sources your family reads for their information can be considered scholarly, regardless of their popularity or media success. A scholarly source is one that uses hard and fast research and interviews with certified experts in the field, and keeps personal opinion and political slant out of the news that they are reporting.

The next time your family starts bickering, ask them to name their source of information; if they cannot, then the argument is to cease until they can show accurately researched support for their case. This rule will serve two purposes: first, it will give you the peace and quiet you seek; second, it will make the arguments that do occur better researched and therefore more difficult to argue against, since you cannot fight facts (no matter how much you try). Eventually, they may decide that it is not worth all the effort required; at that point you can suggest that they take their argument to the local coffee shop where such debate is regularly welcomed, giving them some father-daughter time and you house to yourself during your nightly TV programs.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Lazy Co-Worker Leaves Hard Worker In A Spot

Dear Tazi:

I have a co-worker who does absolutely nothing. Our jobs are pretty autonomous, so we don’t have to report to the boss or have him check in on us very often. While I take this level of trust as a compliment and work hard to prove I am worthy of it, my co-worker “Eliot” takes advantage of it.

Eliot and I are on salary, so we do not have to punch a time clock – we just fill in a form at the end of the week with the hours we worked. While I arrive early every day to settle in, grab my coffee, etc. Eliot comes in an hour late and immediately takes an extended coffee break. If someone has a question he ignores them, so people have learned to come to me instead which puts the bulk of our workload on me. Eliot then leaves an hour early every day, and puts in for a full eight hours on his time sheet.

I want to say something to my boss about Eliot, but we are union workers so the most that would happen would be that Eliot gets a verbal warning, and then a written warning if it happens again. In the meantime, I would be stuck working with him in a very uncomfortable environment – I am the only one who knows what Eliot does (or rather doesn’t) all day, so he would know it is me who reported him. I love my job, but Eliot is making me miserable!

Signed,

Worthy Employee

Dear Worthy Employee:

You don’t have to tell your boss what is going on in order for your boss to see what is going on; there are ways of alerting him without coming right out and telling on Eliot.

The next time Eliot starts shirking his duties, coming in late, or leaving early, contact your boss with a reason why his presence is immediately needed. Your boss will probably notice Eliot’s absence, even if he does not comment on it. After a few times, your boss should catch on that you are trying to get him to take notice of Eliot’s absences and may ask you about it. If he does, don’t cover for Eliot; tell your boss that he “always does this” but you were not comfortable complaining about him because you have to work with him. Form there your boss can make it look like he discovered Eliot’s poor work habits without any help from you.

Union or not, you have the right to a harassment-free workplace. If Eliot starts acting hostile towards you in any way, report it to Human Resources and they will see that Eliot is punished for his retaliatory acts. It is workers like Eliot that give union workers a bad name!

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.