Relocating Means Learning New Language, Overcoming Old Prejudices

Dear Tazi:

A few months ago I accepted a job transfer to Miami, thinking the change of scenery (and escape from an upstate New York winter) would be a nice change of pace. The one thing I forgot to count on is the fact that Miami is no longer a part of the United States, at least it seems that way.  With more people speaking Spanish than English, I feel like I have moved to Cuba.  I believe that in America we should speak English, but my beliefs are not going to help me get by in this new city where I do not know anybody and do not speak the predominant language.  I feel like an immigrant in my own country, and am very, very frustrated.

I am trying very hard to overcome my anger at those who have moved here to America - legally or illegally - and have not learned English, but it is hard.  Why should I have to learn Spanish when the official language of America is English?  Why shouldn't people who speak Spanish have to learn English?  I am in my forties, and learning a new language is not easy at my age.

People have mentioned that I try Rosetta Stone, but that program is very expensive and I am not sure how I would do in a self-guided program.  I do not have time to take a class at the community college, and I really need to learn at least conversational Spanish to get around this city.  In past columns, you have mentioned that your Mommie is learning Spanish.  Can you tell me any of her secrets for learning this new language?  Or is she failing as badly as I am at trying to learn Spanish?

Signed,

No Habla Español 

Dear No Habla Español:

First let me state for the record that, due to my bearing the onus of an inordinate amount of neglect, my Mommie is doing very well in her attempts to learn Spanish!  Mi mamá trabaja mucho! Before I share some of her tips for learning a new language - I have not decided if you are worthy of them yet - I would like to address the attitude I sense coming from your letter.

To start, you are incorrect in stating that English is the "official language" of the United States.  The U.S. has no official language; English is simply the most commonly spoken one and the most agreed upon for government use as it is the traditionally used language within our borders.  There are those who argue that America should pass legislation declaring English as our official language, but until that happens your argument is on shaky ground.

There are different areas in America where the predominant culture dictates the language most spoken - a good example of this would be among the Amish, who speak a German dialect among themselves and within their communities.  This does not mean that they cannot speak English (they can, and they do when the occasion calls for it), which brings me to another point: you assume that simply because someone is speaking Spanish that they are unable to speak English; this is not always correct.  Many immigrants and first generation Americans are bi-lingual and even poly-lingual, putting the language skills of the native born to shame.

You mention that you are in your forties and that learning a new language at your age is hard.  Many who immigrate to America come here not as children, but as adults and experience the same difficulty learning English that you are experiencing learning Spanish.  It is for this reason that Spanish speaking communities form, eliminating the need to learn English in order to go about one's day to day business.  Again, this is not to say that nobody in those communities speaks English; I suggest you work to find businesses that are bilingual in English-Spanish and patron them while you work to improve your Spanish.  Who knows?  The business owners may even assist you with your Spanish while you are in their stores.

You are right to feel like an immigrant in your own country, because technically you have immigrated to a new community.  Even if that community spoke English, it would be a very different form of English than what you speak in upstate New York; you would have to learn how to interpret the local verbiage and work through the differences in your accents in order to make yourself understood and to understand others.

Being immersed in a new language is actually the best way to learn it - after all, it is how you learned your first language.  The next time you find yourself lost in the world of a new language, try to put aside your anger, fear, and panic and truly listen to what is being said.  Many Spanish words are part of the English language, and many Spanish words sound similar to English words; try to put these words into the context of the situation.  Do not be afraid to tell people that you do not speak Spanish, and ask them to speak slowly (habla despacio, por favor!).  Use as many physical props as possible to get your message across, and listen to the words used in response.  This is a great way to increase your vocabulary.  In time, as your vocabulary increases, your grammar will also improve.

Now, as for how Mommie is managing to do so well in her Spanish class: She first worked on building her vocabulary.  Her Spanish textbook keeps words in groups - physical traits, academic topics, rooms in the house, etc.  She learns each group in turn, and then uses them when speaking to me.  Over the past few months I have learned that I come la comida para gatos (eat cat food); duerme sobre una manta (sleep on a blanket) and that I can be a dolar en el culo! (pain in the...HEY!!!  That is not nice!).

Once you learn some vocabulary, you can learn how to conjugate each verb.  A book like Spanish for Dummies can be very helpful, as can a Spanish to English dictionary, many of which are free online.  The key to retaining what you learn is to practice every day.  Mommie talks to me in Spanish, and reviews the stuff that is giving her trouble right before she goes to bed; while sleeping, her brain untangles the problem and things generally make sense in the morning.

I realize that you say you do not have the time to take a class, but this really is the best way to learn a new language if immersion is not working for you.  Many colleges offer Spanish classes online, so you  do not have to worry about making it to a set class time each week - just about completing the assignments and practicing, practicing, practicing!!!  Perfection will not come overnight, but nobody is expecting that of you.  The fact that you are making an effort will be noticed, and go a long way towards helping you gain acceptance in your new community.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 6: Wife Needs To Find Common Ground - And Language - With Her In-Laws

Dear Tazi:

I am not fond of my in-laws. They are nice people, very warm and outgoing, so it is not like they never accepted me, its just that they do not speak English.

"Mr. and Mrs. P." are from Lebanon, and  only speak Lebanese Arabic, a dialect exclusive to their home country. During the civil war that tore through their country, they moved to Senegal, a country on the coast of West Africa where many Lebanese had resettled. Because their countrymen were already there, there was no need for them to learn the local language and that is what they did - or didn't, I should say.

Where God blesses the rain and
we all take the time to do the things we never have...

Mr. and Mrs. P. moved to America a few years later when one of Mr. P.'s brothers, who got out of Lebanon right before the war started, sponsored their immigration to America. Mr. P.'s brother had done very well for himself, living in Michigan, learning English, and working for the automotive companies. Mr. and Mrs. P. saw his success and jumped at the chance to join him.

Mr. and Mrs. P. have now lived in America for more than 30 years, and have done moderately well for themselves, especially when you consider that fact that neither one of them speaks a word of English! At my wedding to their son two years ago, they gave the toast in Lebanese and my uncle-in-law graciously translated, courteously adding that these were his sentiments, as well. Since that day, I have been expected to learn Lebanese Arabic. My husband has tried to teach me, but having been born and schooled in America English is his first language. He never had any formal training in Lebanese, just what his parents taught him and he learned to speak it as he learned English. However, he cannot read or write it so it is difficult for him to teach me. There are no Lebanese Arabic courses offered where we live, but there are plenty of ESL classes that my in-laws could take, if they showed the initiative.

My husband and I just found out that we will be expecting a baby in 2014 and we are very excited about it! I was somewhat upset that I could not tell my in-laws myself; that my husband had to tell them and I had to stand there and listen to them talk. I tried to catch a few words, but they spoke very fast and I could not understand. They seemed upset with my husband, but then turned to me all smiles. It turns out that they were concerned that my husband and I are too young to be parents (my husband and I are both 24).

I would like to have a better relationship with my in-laws, for the sake of my marriage and for the relationship that they will one day have with their grandchild(ren). I see their language slipping away as the world around them Americanizes and their language is lost to the new generations. I would like my husband to suggest to his parents that they start to learn English, but he is hesitant, saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". I will not leave them alone with my child knowing that they cannot speak English. What if there was an emergency and they needed to call the doctor or 911? My husband says I am overreacting, that the baby isn't even here yet and already I am borrowing trouble, but I just want to be prepared! Am I being unreasonable in wanting my in-laws to learn English? I'll even accept Spanish, considering its common use here in America! I studied the language in high school and college and am fluent enough to have a conversation.

Signed,
Mother-To-Be

Dear Mother-To-Be:

Your concerns are valid ones, but then so is your husband's argument. If his parents have not learned another language in the 30+ years since they have left Lebanon I doubt that they are suddenly going to try. As for your end, learning to speak a foreign language is difficult enough without said language being a locally spoken dialect in a country that is approximately 6,000 miles (9,500 km) away from you.

I suggest that you try to work on a few key words and phrases with your husband that you will need to be able to communicate with your in-laws. These phrases can be about their general health and well being or specific to the care of your baby. Your husband should also teach you to understand a few key responses to these questions so you will understand what is being said back to you. Since the modern Arabic alphabet is not something you understand, write down the words phonetically with their English translation beneath them. Your husband needs to do the same for his parents, except to have them write the words in Arabic with the English phonetic pronunciation. With any luck, his Arabic will improve as much as yours. There are many online translation programs that can help you get started, as well as learn-at-home programs like Rosetta Stone, if you are willing and able to make the financial investment. Think of it as an investment in your child's culture as well as an investment in family unity.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Asking A Favor Can Require Courage; Respond Accordingly

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a man I will call "Ernesto" for three months, and I like him a lot. He is not native to this country, but his English is pretty good. It could use improvement, but it is better than my high school Spanish so I don't make a big deal out of his grammatical mistakes. My problem is that Ernesto does.

Ernesto is very self-conscious of his speaking skills, having learned English by watching TV and listening to educated people talk. He has asked me to please correct him when he speaks "imperfectly". I have told Ernesto that a lot of native English speakers do not speak proper English and to not make a big deal out of it, but he has told me his dream is to speak flawless English and in order to do so he needs to have his mistakes corrected as he makes them, or else he will not know that they are mistakes.

Tazi, I am his girlfriend not his ESL teacher! I suggested to Ernesto that he try taking a few adult education courses at the local community center, but he was offended and told me he didn't think his English was that bad. I explained to him that he took what I said the wrong way and told him that I am not comfortable pointing out his errors. Ernesto has told me that my "reluctance" to help him with his problem shows and that he fears it will create "vicissitude" in our relationship. Tazi, I am not even sure what that word means and I told Ernesto to stop talking like a Word a Day Calendar, that no real American talks that way!

Ernesto was very hurt by my reaction and has barely spoken to me for a week. We still see each other; he just does not say more than a few words. Do you think I was too harsh on him? Should I risk embarrassing him to help him learn better English?

Signed,
Not A Teacher

Dear Not A Teacher:

I can think of a few words to describe what you are, but I am afraid that they are not very nice - in any language. To ask the kind of favor Ernesto asked of you can take a lot of courage and the way you responded - with disinterest and insults - was downright cruel. I realize you do not wish to embarrass Ernesto by correcting him in front of others, but he has requested that you do so. Might you reach a compromise and make a mental note of his errors to bring up with him in private?

You give me the impression that Ernesto's native language is Spanish. Might you ask him to teach you Spanish (because knowing a second language is a huge career boost) while you assist him with his English? In doing so you will learn that the Spanish you learn in high school is much more formal - and a lot less accurate - than the Spanish spoken in most areas of the world, especially in Latin America where the vernacular is much different than mainland Spain.

If you really like Ernesto, you will learn to be more sensitive of his feelings, be more willing to assist him when he asks a simple favor, and be open to compromise in order to find a solution to the challenges of dating someone from a culture that is different from your own.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.