Should A Parent Move In When Spouse Says No?

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law lost her husband (my husband's third step-father) last year and, due to poor financial decisions since, can no longer support the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. She is not about to end up in a homeless shelter - she has plenty of money - but she can no longer afford to take lengthy vacations, travel, or eat out in upscale restaurants a few times a week as she did before she was widowed.

"Agatha" has complained to my husband that she is "devastated" over the changes she is being forced to make and is "wallowing in depression" since the death of her fourth husband. She has asked my husband if she can move in with us to "save on expenses". Her house has a very small mortgage ($500 a month) expenses are taxes, food, utilities, etc. My husband is all for his mother moving in with us, but I have put my foot down and told him no. I do not think it is right for her to move in with us - free of all expenses, which is her request - so she can continue to live a life of luxury while we scrimp and save. My husband understands where I am coming from on this issue, and he says he agrees with my point of view, but ends every argument with "But this is my MOM!". He seems to have forgotten that I am his WIFE!

Agatha has always been the type to take over and demand that things be done her way or the highway - thus her three divorces from four marriages; all three of her husbands left her and I think the fourth died just to avoid the stress of a divorce at age 75. I know if she were to move in with us she would insist on being the woman of the house and try to usurp my position as mother to my children. I know because every time she comes over she criticizes everything I do, from how I clean to what I allow my children to eat.

Are my only choices to let Agatha move in and live with her, or let Agatha move in while I take my children and move out?

Signed,
Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Rock And A Hard Place:

You and your husband need to seek marital counseling - NOW! He says that he understands and agrees with your point of view, yet he chooses to ignore what is best for your marriage in order to please his self-centered mother. Yes, I understand that she is his mother but when he married you he vowed to forsake all others for you - that vow included Mom.

Your fear of losing your position as the woman of the house is also understandable. Your mother-in-law is used to being in control, so she may feel it her right to take over the lives of her son and grandchildren. If you are determined not to allow this to happen - even if it means going so far as to separate from your husband - you need to let him know this; preferably in the presence of a marriage counselor. If neither you nor your husband is willing to budge on this issue, might there be a solution in finding a home to accommodate all of you? A two-family house or a single-family home with an in-law apartment are both possibilities that would also buy you time while you looked for just the right place...in fact, it could take years to find exactly the right place (if you catch my meaning).

In the meantime, while you are buying time, Agatha needs to speak with a financial adviser; develop a budget; and learn to stick to it. The matter of her mortgage is important - regardless of how "small" it is; it is still a fixed expense that must be met every month. If she moved in with you, would Agatha be selling her house or renting it? Either way, it would provide an income for her to assist with the added expense of having her live with you. Do not allow her to move in expense free as long as she can afford to pay something towards her care. Once you lay down the rules and Agatha realizes that she will not be getting a free ride she may be more inclined to stay in her own space. Moving in with a daughter-in-law who doe snot want her there would be no picnic for Agatha, either.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Problems Arise When Mom Wants To Move In...

Dear Tazi:

My mother is older but by no means infirm. She would like to retire from her job but due to poor financial planning in her younger years she does not have enough to last her more than five years. Since she is only 62 she would have to take a reduced social security benefit that would not cover her expenses and she would have to work at least part-time. Mom has decided that she has a better idea – she wants to move in with either me or my brother, rent free, and give us “a little money each month” towards expenses. She has said that the money she saves will become our inheritance.

Tazi, my brother has the ideal location for Mom. He owns a three bedroom house and lives alone. He is not married and has no children. His house sits on a lake with beautiful views and is close to services like shopping centers, grocery stores, churches, and the like. I on the other hand am married with three active children. We live on a working farm and work as teachers full-time during the school year. Our home is several miles from town and twenty minutes from the nearest highway. So…can you guess who Mom has asked to live with?

My brother has refused to take Mom in, saying he can’t afford to take in a border who will not pay rent. Tazi, Mom is not a border – she is Mom! My brother has the space; he just does not want to share it. If Mom were to move in with me my children would have to all move into one bedroom (the two younger share a room already, the elder has her own because she is 10 years older than her twin sisters). I love my mom, but I cannot do this to my children or to my family unit as a whole. In our house EVERYONE pitches in on the farm and Mom would be no exception, even though she has already expressed distaste towards farming.

How do I handle this situation? I can’t force my brother to take Mom in, but I can’t have her living with me, either – there is just no room!

Signed,

Farming Daughter

Dear Farming Daughter:

Your brother sounds like a very selfish man, but before I judge him I am going to assume that he has his reasons for not wanting your mother living with him. Maybe he is a swinging bachelor who thinks having his mother live with him would cramp his style; maybe he doesn’t get along with your mother as well as you think; or he may very well be having financial difficulties.

Your mother’s plan, plainly put, stinks. You need to remember that nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them, so if your mother is firm on moving in with you – and you are willing to let her move in with you – then you need to be the one to set the guidelines, not her. To start, you need to inform her that there is simply no room in your house for someone who is not willing to contribute – financially and through the working of your farm.

The second issue is space. Would you be able to cobble together an in-law apartment in your basement or put an addition above your garage? While you may have to take out a home equity loan to do so, it should be your mother’s responsibility to pay on that loan – this could be her monthly rent payment to you; in return, you are getting value added to your house. If this is not possible, would it be possible for your daughters to share a bedroom for a few years until the oldest is ready to leave for college or a life on her own? I realize this will cause some discomfort, but I don’t think your mother is going to be completely comfortable living with you, either; all involved will have to compromise.

I think to start you should suggest that your Mom come spend the weekend with you to see how she would fit into your lives as a member of your household. After living on a working farm, in a house with a teenager, being miles from the nearest highway and basic services to which she has become accustomed she may change her mind about living with you after all.

I believe the best thing for everyone to do is to sit down with an attorney who specializes in estate planning or family law and draw up a contract by which you can all live.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.