Smell Of Cigarette Is The Smoking Gun that Shot-Down This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

When I met my girlfriend six months ago, I knew she was a smoker. I do not date smokers, and told her so when she asked for my phone number (we met at a party). She told me she was working on quitting, so I took a chance on her. After three months I thought she had quit and was very proud of her. I have been nothing but encouraging in her efforts to quit, and I thought she had successfully managed to quit. Admittedly, she never actually said that she had managed to quit, but it appeared that she had.

Last night, I stopped by "Angel's" house after work and smelled cigarette smoke. I was so disgusted that I walked right back out and went home. Angel called to ask what was my problem, so I told her: I felt like she had lied to me about quitting, since it was obvious to me that she had been smoking. Angel told me that she had a very difficult day at work and broke down and had a cigarette, as she sometimes still does when she is stressed. Obviously, if she immediately turns to cigarettes to help her cope with stress she hasn't truly quit.

I let Angel know how disappointed in her I am, and that I need some time to think about the future of our relationship. Angel feels that I am being unreasonable and controlling, and told me that if I cannot accept her weaknesses along with her strengths than I shouldn't bother thinking things through because our relationship is over. I feel like I should be the one making the decision whether or not to end things - after all, I was the one who was wronged by her behavior. I called her this morning to tell her this, but she hung up on me before I was even done speaking my piece.

Tazi, I feel like Angel owes me an apology - for her dishonesty about not completely quitting smoking and for her rudeness on the phone this morning. I know that she reads your column every day, which is why I am writing to you. I know that if she sees my letter she will see just how hurtful her behavior has been, and that she offer me the apology I feel I deserve. I am still not certain I want to give this relationship a second chance; but I think I deserve the option to at least consider it.

Signed,
Smoke-Free

Dear Smoke Free:

It would appear that you are also girlfriend-free if you have not spoken to Angel by the time this letter is printed.

Your attitude strikes me as very demanding - not only of me, but of Angel as well. Quitting smoking can be extremely challenging for many people, so if Angel managed to quit, for the most part, in just a few months I give her a lot more credit than you are. In all fairness, Angel never said that she had successfully quit; just that she was "working on quitting" - it was you that assumed she had managed to kick her habit completely, and you who owe her an apology for being so judgmental.

Nobody is perfect, and you freely admit that Angel never said she had managed to completely quit smoking. Since you have not seen - or smelled - evidence that she has been smoking, I believe it is safe to assume that she has made great strides in her attempts to quit smoking, and that your faith was not misplaced. As for your belief that you should be the one making the decision about whether or not to end the relationship, I have to side with Angel on this matter: You are being controlling. No one party has the sole right to decide to continue or end a relationship with another person; the other person can make decisions, too. Sometimes the decision made is not to our liking, but something we must accept nonetheless.

I will stop short of agreeing that Angel owes you an apology for hanging up on you, in spite of the fact that I believe it was quite rude, because I feel that you are not telling me the whole story that led up to her prematurely ending the conversation. I will end by pointing out that Angel makes a second, very valid point. In order for a relationship to work, you must be willing to accept a person's weaknesses. As Marilyn Monroe put it, "If you can't handle me at my worst you sure don't deserve me at my best".

Snuggle (Just one!),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teen Selling Cigarettes To Kids Could See Jail Time If Caught

Dear Tazi:

This February my father would have been 60. I saw "would have been" because Dad died from cancer 20 years ago, when I was just a teenager. He left behind my Mom, me, and my two younger sisters, as well as his own parents and brothers and sisters. Even the family dog seemed to grieve him. Dad was a smoker from the time he was 18; he died of bladder cancer, which is a common cancer among smokers.

I am now a parent of two teenagers myself, and I have discovered that my elder child smokes. I went through the roof when I found this out, and demanded to know where he was getting cigarettes and who was selling them to him.When I found out it was an 18 year old who lives in the neighborhood, I reported him to the police. Because he was not caught in the act of buying cigarettes for minors the police could not do anything more than scare him straight by saying they would be watching him. Now my son is upset with me for dousing his connection. He hasn't told anyone it was me who called the police because he is afraid his peers will take it out on him, and he has told me I have ruined his life. I argue that I may have saved it.

My wife is upset because the kid buying cigarettes for our son is the child of one of her book club members. She would like to say something to her, but I argue that this will just stir up a hornet's nest. After all, the police did come to lecture the other woman's son and threatened to arrest him if he was caught practicing this criminal behavior. My wife has said that this woman does not believe her son was the culprit and that the police are trying to "frame" him and she feels that this woman is simply sticking her head in the sand; that by telling her that her child was breaking the law she can curb her son's immoral; behavior now before he steps it up and starts selling alcohol to minors in a few years.

What do you think, Tazi? Should we let sleeping dogs, er cars, lie? Or should my wife say something to her book club buddy?

Signed,
Responsible Dad

Dear Responsible Dad:

My deepest condolences on the loss of your father at an early age. Such a loss has left its mark on you in many ways, and surely includes your disgust for cigarette smoking. Do your children know that this is how you lost your father? Whether they do or not, now may be the time to discuss your loss with them. They are old enough to understand not only how it affected you then, but how it affects you now as a parent who must see his children grow up without their grandfather and how you do not want to lose one of them to the dangers of smoking. It is difficult to drive a point home with teens, but try. They may be touched deeper than they let you know.

As for dealing with the neighbor's son: he is not your son to reprimand. The fact that this mother wants to stick her head in the sand may simply be a defense mechanism she uses in public because she is embarrassed by her son's behavior. To bring up such a subject at a book club meeting would be cruel. I say allow the matter to sit. Right now, it is not an elephant in the room. Unless it becomes one, MYOB.

The fact that the police have scared this young man straight with the threat of arrest for selling cigarettes to minors is wonderful, but may be fleeting. When this young man realizes that the police are not following him - and he is in need of the extra cash he was making by selling cigarettes at mark-up - he may start selling them again. If he starts selling to your child, approach the mother at that point and let her know what is going on and that you are handling things on your end and that she needs to handle things with her son - hopefully, before the police take notice.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.