Dear Tazi:
I am the eldest of three children; two girls and a boy. My
brother was the youngest child and I say “was” because he is no longer a child
but a 40 year old man. His entire life he has acted outlandishly in an attempt
to be the center of attention. Being the only boy, this may have happened in a
white, two-parent family but we are black and were raised by a single Mom, and that means our experience was
much different than the one Norman Rockwell presented.
Our Mom never babied any of us. She told us that in order to
be successful a black person must try twice as hard as a white person and only
expect to get half as far. We witnessed how hard she worked to become a
successful businesswoman and my sister and I never gave her any more trouble
than can be expected of two girls, and tried to give her a lot less than that.
We helped out around the house without being asked because we knew that was
what was expected of us and did our best in school because Mom always told us
that an education is the key that will open any door. Mom is full of aphorisms
like that, but through the years my sister and I have discovered the truth in
them and have both managed to build solid middle class lives – maybe even
upper-middle class, by some standards! My brother is another story. The man is
a complete train wreck.
“Darnell” had a difficult childhood but he brought it upon
himself by always trying to one-up everyone. His constant need for attention
got on people’s nerves, and our Mom – who wouldn’t stand for it – would often
punish him for his bad behaviors; a slap of the wrist (literally) for
interrupting someone when they were talking to teach him to wait his turn, a
spanking for behavior that posed a danger to himself. My sister and I both
received the same punishments and learned from them, but Darnell whined that he
was being singled out because “Mama likes girls better”. To this day Darnell
cannot see that it is his own behavior that has kept him from experiencing
success and he continues to blame our mother – and now our sister and me – for
his life’s failings.
Darnell graduated high school with high hopes of becoming an
actor because he wanted a stage and an audience for his antics, but discovered
that most theatre production companies require that you study acting in order
to compete with those who have. Darnell went to college to study theatre and
dropped out – three separate times, all for reasons unrelated to things he can
control (of course!). He blamed producers for not casting him, calling them
racist (even though other minority actors were cast); he blamed the school for
cutting off his financial aid (even though he was failing his classes); and
this last time he blamed the family for “not being supportive” of his goals,
claiming the disappointment he felt about us missing an opening night was
enough to send him into a spiraling depression. Tazi, our Mom was in the
hospital recovering from an attack of gall stones! We wanted to be by her side
and were very upset with Darnell for not asking his understudy to cover for
him. From our point of view the spotlight was more important to him than his
own mother!
This past summer, Darnell decided that he needed to move
clear across the country to Hollywood to immerse himself in the acting
business. He cut me, my sister, and our Mom out of his life for discouraging
this move, since he had no job waiting for him and no savings to live off of
until then, but then called us when he needed money for car repairs. My Mom
sent him the money in hopes that he would start talking to her again, but once
the check was cashed he shut us out again.
Darnell keeps in touch with my nephew, and my nephew has
told us he is worried about Darnell. He was living in his car and showering at
a local homeless shelter while he looks for work, but he recently had to sell
his car so now he is living in the homeless shelter, too, and saying that the
experience will make him a better actor. He is claiming that it will help him
to become the next Samuel L. Jackson! He doesn’t seem to realize that Samuel L.
Jackson is still working quite steadily and that producers can call Mr.
Jackson’s agent if they are looking for him!
Darnell has never been good at holding down a regular job,
and has had more jobs than years of life so I can only imagine what his
employment history must look like on paper. I am very worried about my brother
and would like to ask him to come home, but I am afraid if I do that I will be
on the hook for his care (since I was the one who encouraged him to come home).
While I don’t mind helping him get back on his feet after this latest failure I
do not want to have him living with me until success comes along, At 40 years
old I think it is time to give up the dream and grow up!
I have talked to my sister about things, and she says you
just have to let Darnell sleep in the bed he has made; that any attempt at
helping him will backfire and you will be accused of not believing in him. I am
considering writing to him to invite him home for Thanksgiving, and even offer
to pay his airfare if he books it now while prices are still low. I figure once
he is here maybe he won’t go back…but then I am afraid I will be stuck with him
in my guest room. Before he moved, Mom was stuck with him in her basement. Now
that she finally has her house back, I can’t put her through that again. I am
stuck between a rock and a hard place and need an outside opinion.
Signed,
Loving Sister Or Enabling Sister?
Dear Loving Sister Or Enabling Sister?:
You can be both, you know; it isn’t an either/or situation;
in fact it is because you love your brother that you seek to enable him…just
not at such close range that he would actually be living with you. You mention
that you and your sister took to heart your mother’s words and worked hard in
school and in life to find success. This had to be a difficult task, especially
since the reality of your mother’s words reflects a bitter and awkward truth in
a society that likes to claim it is color blind. Could it be that these words
did not inspire your brother but rather angered him? It can be difficult to
find success in life when your viewpoint is colored (was that a pun?) by
wrath. With every perceived slight, with every failure to accomplish his
dream, your brother’s life has slipped further and further down a slope that he
seeks to climb.
For purposes of length and respect for your brother’s
privacy, I had to edit a lot of the details you shared but in each anecdote –
as in the ones I did print – you fail to see your brother’s viewpoint. While I
think he comes off as self-centered (it is
rude to interrupt someone, and he could not expect your family to abandon your
mother’s side while she was hospitalized) you must understand that the life of
an actor is not a traditional lifestyle. Opening night is a huge deal for
anyone involved in a show; to send on his understudy could have been a
career-killing move in a career that is already on life support.
While I think Darnell made a hasty move by moving across the
country without having any way of supporting himself, it is his life to live –
not yours. Maybe this is something he needed to so for himself, and maybe the
reason he cut you out of his life is because he is tired of the discouragement
that he received from you, your sister, and your Mom. While it was generous of
your Mom to come through for him with money for car repairs, it is not up to
you to fix the dynamic between them.
If you want to see your brother for Thanksgiving, then I
suggest you invite him; offer to pay his way only if he refuses on the basis of
transportation costs because to do otherwise might insult him. Now that your
brother has had the chance to live on his own with nobody to offer him support
(financial or in-kind offers like a place to live) perhaps he will better
understand the importance of following through with what is required of him –
acting classes, if not a degree in theater; a polite demeanor that attracts
people, as well as the ability to listen; and acceptance of the fact that not
all dreams are meant to become realities. I know many actors, writers, and
artists who have settled down into lucrative, paying careers who continue to do
community theater and freelance work on the side. You should bring this up to
him only if he talks about the
trouble he is having finding work as a successful actor.
If Darnell talks about wanting to move home, let him talk
and offer your opinion only if he asks for it; this way, you cannot be accused
of discouraging his dreams. Suggest that he make a plan on how to make it
happen first, and even offer to help him structure that plan – work, community
contacts, a professional agent, etc; strike a balance between his goals and the
reality that currently is.
Snuggles,
Tazi
Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.
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