"Controlling" Husband Pleases Wife, Irks Sister-In-Law

Dear Tazi:

I am not writing for marital advice but communication advice. Call me old-fashioned, but I am the kind of man who likes to keep a firm grip of control over my wife and children. A man's family is a representation of his name and I will not have that name tarnished by unseemly behavior.

My wife trusts me to command the direction of our marriage and of the well-being of our young children. To that end, her paycheck is direct deposited into my checking account each week (no, it is not a joint account); she dresses quite conservatively; and our children are not allowed to have play dates with children whose families have not been pre-screened and approved of by me. Of course "Mary" is allowed to be a part of this process, but I have the final say in the matter. Our marriage is rock solid, and my children are both respectful, well-adjusted little beings.

My issue is my sister-in-law - my wife's sister - has a problem with how my household is run and never fails to criticize me and my wife at every turn. "Margaret" tells Mary that she needs to be more independent and that she should have her own checking account "just in case". In case of what? I have no plans on abandoning my wife and children and nor does Mary plan on abandoning me.

My wife recently celebrated a milestone birthday, and I threw a large party in her honor. Because it was a party, there was a good deal of food that is normally off-limits to my children, and I allowed them to indulge just a bit with a small portion of cake and ice cream as well as a can of soda each. Margaret, who perhaps had a little too much to drink, flew off the handle at me (in front of my wife, children, and our other guests) and told me I was a "controlling sonofab!tch" and that I needed to loosen the grip I have on her sister (my wife). I kept my cool long enough to ask Margaret to please step outside to discuss things with me, that I will not be disrespected in front of my wife and children, but she ranted that this was my problem - that I wanted complete control over everyone's actions and that she would rant where she wanted, when she wanted (which she proceeded to do).

Mary tried to calm her sister, telling her that our marriage is a happy and healthy one; that she is happy and does not have a problem with the way we live our lives. Margaret continued to rant, saying that marriage is "a partnership, not a dictatorship" but when I tried to talk to her, she left in a huff. Tazi, my marriage is a partnership; however, every partnership has a controlling partner to guide it and that partner is me. When I told Margaret this, she screamed, "You have THAT right!" and walked out of the party, much to my wife's chagrin. Mary then worked on calming our children, who were quite distraught, and unfortunately the party ended up breaking up early at this point.

To her credit, Margaret called the next day to apologize - to Mary, for making such a scene and ruining the party. Her apology also came with a "but" (as in "I'm sorry but...") at which point she proceeded to rail against me and the functioning of my marriage. Again to her credit, Mary made an excuse as to why she needed to end the call and hung-up. Mary has all but given up on trying to convince her sister that she is happy with our marriage, but I have not! How can I get Margaret to understand that my marriage is in ship-shape, and that her concerns for her sister are unwarranted?

Signed,
Good Husband

Dear Good Husband:

To paraphrase from the Book of Ephesians (5:21 - 23), a good wife obeys her husband as she would obey the Lord; in return, to be a good husband a man must love his wife "just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her". While a large part of me cringes at this entire sentiment (for it goes against the very desires of human nature) if you, as a couple, are able to accomplish the extremely high standards set forth here and both husband and wife are happy and fulfilled by the arrangement then I see nothing wrong with it. The Devil, as it is said, is in the details.

Is your wife truly happy being subject to your control? Does she trust you implicitly to put her well-being and the well-being of your marriage and children above your personal desires at all times?  More importantly, do you trust yourself to be able to meet this standard 100% of the time? Do you communicate with your wife on a regular basis to ensure that her thoughts and opinions are being heard and properly considered? Do you run decisions by her or just blindly decide and expect her to follow your will without explanation? These are the details in which the Devil lurks!

I suggest you have a sit-down talk with your wife and really listen to her answers. Does she make eye contact when she assures you that she is perfectly happy? Does she fidget uncomfortably or does she seem sincere? The answers you get - both verbal and non-verbal - will tell you the true state of your marital health. If there are problems, I suggest you and your wife talk to your clergy-person or to a marital counselor for guidance. If there are not, I suggest you try to follow your wife's lead and work to accept the things - and the minds - that you cannot change. Allow your wife to handle her sister and accept the manner in which she chooses to do it.

No one seems to take issue when it's the wife who controls things!

On the matter of household finances, I would strongly urge you to put your wife's name on the household checking account "just in case". Since you ask "just in case of what?" you may want to consider the following: emergencies during which you are unavailable, a medical emergency during which you are stricken and/or hospitalized, an accident that results in your death or prolonged unconsciousness, a vehicle break-down that requires her to have cash to make payment for a tow...the list goes on and on, but I think you get the picture. Your wife trusts you enough to hand over her paycheck to you; respect her enough to allow her access to that money.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #71- Are You Tragically Hip? (Take This Quiz To Find Out!)

Dear Readers:

This week I made the mistake of hopping into Mommie’s purse when she said she was “going to the coffee shop”. I thought this meant Dunkin’ Donuts, but alas and alack I was wrong; she went to Starbucks instead…and then to Panera for lunch…followed by a trip to Pier One, because it was right next door…lamented the loss of the Border’s Bookstore that once operated in the valley she was overlooking…and then culminated my torturous afternoon by stopping into Whole Foods to pick up “a few items”, the bill for which cost more than my yearly food budget. It was then that I had a horrible thought: Could my Mommie be tragically hip?

UrbanDictionary.com defines tragically hip as “being so obsessed with keeping up with the latest counter-culture fads and social pretensions that you lose your ability to think for yourself and suppress any originality you may have ever had…” Uh-oh…she had just visited not one but TWO trendy coffee shops in one afternoon, lamented the loss of a third (because Border’s is nothing more than a coffee shop with books), and paid a visit to the Mother Ship of pretentious hipsters everywhere where she purchased items like imported Greek yogurt (made with real sugar, not corn syrup!) and handcrafted fig jam (also made with real sugar, which should do wonders for her glucose levels).

This cannot end well...

As soon as we got home, but after I shook the hipster slime off of me, I put together the following quiz and forced my Mommie to take it. Thankfully, she failed; it turns out she was just having an off day. As for the rest of you, dear readers, you may want to take this quiz to find out if you are tragically hip…just in case you are and don’t know it!

ARE YOU TRAGICALLY HIP?

Choose the description that best describes you:

1.       You do the bulk of your grocery shopping at…?

a.       Whole Foods

b.      Stop and Shop, Shaw’s, Kroger, or some other major, non-organic chain

c.       Price Rite, Walmart, or another discount grocery store

d.      I generally don’t shop at the store; I grow my own produce or buy it at the Farmer’s Market; can and preserve the surplus; own a dairy cow and a few hens; and culture my own yogurt.

2.       When you go to the coffee shop you usually go to…?

a.       A small, locally owned coffeehouse run by a small businessperson who specializes in exotic blends

b.      Starbucks, Panera, or some other niche franchise catering to organic tastes

c.       Dunkin’ Donuts

d.      I/my friends own the small coffeehouse and drink my own/their product

3.       Do you recycle?

a.       Always…unless there isn’t a recycle bin around, then I just throw it in the regular trash (like on the rare occasion I go to Starbucks, those hypocrites!)

b.      I try my best, but I am not always sure of what goes in which bin

c.       At home because my city/town has a no-bin/no-barrel ordinance

d.      Recycling is practically a religion to me; I also compost

4.       Look at the tags on the clothes you are now wearing. Were your clothes…?

a.       Painstakingly handcrafted by a woman in a second or third-world country and sold to a fair-trade middleman before making their way into your hands

b.      Made in USA by union labor; Union YES!

c.       Made in China, Indonesia, India, or elsewhere in Asia

d.      Made by you (or an immediate family member)

5.       What fabric is your favorite sweater made of?

a.       Bamboo, hemp, or some other non-traditional plant-derived material

b.      Cotton, silk, wool, or maybe even a poly-blend

c.       Um, cloth?

d.      Wool, which I knit myself after spinning the yarn from virgin wool that I purchased from the local shepherdess [Ed. Note: Don’t laugh; I know a woman who does this!]

6.       What kind of car do you drive?

a.       A hybrid (any kind) or a Smart car

b.      An SUV or other vehicle that you wish got more miles per gallon

c.       Something that, stylish or not, gets me to where I need to go and was in my budget when I bought it

d.      I prefer public transportation; walking; and riding my bike to motor vehicles, and only take my subcompact car when I need to go on the highway

7.       Do you know what edamame is? [Ed. Note: My spell-check doesn’t!]

a.       Yes, and I love it! I always buy it when I go grocery shopping

b.      I have heard of it and/or eat it once in a while

c.       No.

d.      Yes; I grow/buy soybeans in the pod and what I don’t process for milk, tofu, and other foods I eat in the whole form

8.       Your music collection:

a.       Went from vinyl to cassettes to CD’s to digital, and back to vinyl because nothing is as pure as vinyl

b.      Is a collection of CD’s and digital…I upgraded from cassettes years ago

c.       I have everything from pre-1988 vinyl to digital; I change with the times but keep my old stuff

d.      I have wind-chimes; play the pan flute; and/or a yard that attracts songbirds. I borrow CD’s from the library.

If you got:

All or mostly A’s: You are the very definition of tragically hip. Let me paw-slap some sense and humility into you before Mother Nature does it for me.

I will use the gentle paw this once!

All or mostly B’s: You are the average, middle/upper-middle class American who may or may not be striving for more (depending on how many A’s you also checked). Keep on truckin’, you are fine just the way you are!

All or mostly C’s: You are frugal and very aware that much of the fact that what it trending now is just that – trendy. Recognize that some of the trends are not all bad, though; fair-trade coffee may cost more but it guarantees that Juan Valdez is not the only coffee grower earning a living wage off of the sale of his product. You could maybe stand to step it up a bit and try the joy that is bamboo clothing (so soft, and it doesn’t rape the soil like cotton!), eat some heart-healthy foods, and ditch that record of Donna Summer singing MacArthur Park. Unlike John, Paul, George, and Ringo’s The White Album it is never going to be worth more than you paid for it.

All or mostly D’s: You are the original environmentalist! There is nothing false about you; you put your money (and your time and talents) where your mouth is and walk the talk when it comes to preserving the earth; Gaia thanks you. Long after the trendiness has passed you will still be doing the things that most complain are a big pain in the ass. Something tells me you are from Vermont…or maybe New Hampshire.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Co-Worker Needs To Stop Being So "Picky"

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I have never seen addressed elsewhere, probably because it is pretty gross and very embarrassing. I work in an office that has cubicles, rather than separate offices, and in one of those cubicles is a coworker with some very disgusting habits. I will call him "Elmer" because he is bald like Elmer Fudd.

Elmer snorts like a pig because of a post-nasal drip, and then hacks it up a few minutes after every snort. The sound effects are horrible, and I try to tune them out with music, which works some of the time; and I can deal with the sound if only because it is the lesser of two evils, the second evil being the visuals. Elmer also picks his nose, and eats whatever he happens to find in there. If someone catches him indulging in this disgusting practice, he will make a joke about it being "snack time"
and offer "a bite to eat" to whomever had the misfortune of catching him off guard. He wipes his nose with his shirt-sleeves, and my male co-workers have informed me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom.

My biggest problem with Elmer's behavior is that I sit in the cubicle next to him, so I am exposed to this spectacle more often than most. I love my job, and when I first started working here I was excited with my cubicle placement, because Elmer happens to be the owner's son. I figured such a placement would help me to quickly move up within the company. After six months, I realized that all "newbies" get placed next to Elmer and, with seniority, they get better placement. I have been seated next to Elmer for over a year now and, being in the middle of a recession, there has been a hiring freeze so there is absolutely no chance of gaining seniority and moving to a new cubicle, far from the atrocity that is Elmer.

What should I do, Tazi-Kat? As I mentioned, Elmer is the owner's son; so I am hesitant to go to HR over this, and it is obvious that Elmer is not about to change his ways.

Signed,
Getting an Earful While Seeing a Noseful

Dear Getting...:

You are right, your issue is pretty gross; and it appears that Elmer lacks the decency to be embarrassed, so there appears to be little that you can do other than approach Human Resources about this issue.

Before going to your company's HR office, you should build a case about Elmer that does not center on the yuck factor, but on the issue of general office health. Elmer's habits are spreading germs around the office, and you have a right not to be so heartily exposed to them.

With cold and flu season arriving, now is the perfect time to approach HR about instituting a campaign for the use of tissues and hand sanitizer, along with regular hand-washing. Many offices have a policy that all employees utilize these items to reduce the spread of cold and flu or face sanctions. If the policy is instilled throughout the office, Elmer cannot argue that he is being singled-out for punishment and his father cannot single-out you or the HR Manager for retaliation.

The use of tissues and hand-sanitizer may not put a complete stop to Elmer's unhygienic behaviors, but it should be enough to curb them or at least minimize the spread of his germs. Should Elmer continue to make unsolicited comments after being caught in the act, calmly inform him that his comments are unappreciated and that you would prefer he kept them to himself. By reacting in cool and collected manner, the childish thrill Elmer gets from grossing you out should vanish, and his rude comments along with it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Gender Dysphoria Can Cause Problems In Social Situations

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi:

I am technically a twenty year old woman. I say "technically" because I am not at all feminine. I am completely flat-chested and built like a man. I prefer to dress in men's clothing, wear my hair short and spiked like a man, hang out with men over women (I hate shopping and other girly-girl stuff). From the baseball cap I wear on my head to the Michael Jordans [sneakers] I wear on my feet, I look like a man, just a baby-faced one. My problem is that, since graduating high school where I knew everyone and starting a college where I do not, I now get mistaken for a lesbian, which I am not; or hit-on by straight women who think I am a guy, which is also upsetting. Short of wearing a sign that declares me to be a heterosexual woman, do you have any ideas on how to get around this awkward issue?

Signed,
Dude

Dear Dude:

From the description you give, you fit the description of a female transvestite (which is the scientific term for your style preferences). Among cross-dressers (the preferred term) you are in the minority - most are men who dress as women - but are also among the more socially accepted of the gender diverse.

The fact that you are mistaken for a man by straight women can be corrected by adding simple touches that will not compromise you as a person (for example, jewelry and perfume). If you are truly uncomfortable wearing anything that signals that you are female, you can work towards altering people's perception of you through your use of vocabulary. For example, instead of saying "I have to use the bathroom" you can say "I have to use the ladies' room", thus signaling that you are female by birth. You do not have to be a "girly girl" or dress in pink for the world to understand that you are female; but you will have to make an effort to identify yourself as a straight woman if that is how you wish people to see you.

Most people are accustomed to dividing people into one category OR another; so when someone comes along who fits one category AND another it can be difficult for some to process. Before a woman - straight or lesbian - works up the courage to hit on you, she probably sends out signals that she is interested (flipping her hair, gently touching your arm, etc.). By learning to read these signals, you can self-identify as a straight woman before the conversation takes a turn for the embarrassing.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Embarassing Problem Leads To Office Theft...And Painful Consequences

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I have a very embarrassing problem, made worse by the way I have handled it. I have hemorrhoids, which leave me in agonizing pain and unable to sit still. I am too embarrassed to buy Preperation H at the store, and since they keep it behind the pharmacy counter I cannot secretly take it and leave the money on the service counter.

Last week, I was rummaging through a vacationing co-worker's desk for some white-out when I came across a huge stash of personal needs - feminine hygiene products, toothpaste, floss...and a brand new tube of Preparation H, still in the unopened box. Although I am ashamed to say I took it (and left the money for it), I have to say I am feeling great relief in other areas. My problem is, my coworker returned from vacation to find her product gone as well as the money that I left for her! She reported the "theft" to Human Resources, who sent out a memo about respect for others' personal belongings.

Tazi-Kat, although I am not proud of my part in this whole debacle, I am outraged that someone would take the money I had left! Should I approach my co-worker and explain what I did? Or just let the whole issue pass. What should I do when I need a new tube of cream? I just can't go back to living without it!

Signed,
H.

Dear H.:

I have to say, I am intrigued by your sense of morality. To steal is morally wrong, and I admire your desire to pay for your purchases; but your co-worker's desk is not your personal pharmacy. Since you appear to be positively humiliated over the concept of purchasing hemorrhoid treatment, I would suggest a compromise:

Write a letter of apology to your co-worker for taking her hemorrhoid cream, explaining that you were looking for white-out when you saw your tushy's salvation in a tube and could not resist "borrowing" it before realizing that once you used it the owner would probably not have wanted it back.

You stuck it WHERE? Um, no I don't want it back, thanks...

Mention that you left money for the product, so she knows your intentions were honorable, but pay for the tube a second time (consider it a penance for your actions) by enclosing money with the letter in a sealed envelope that is clearly addressed to your co-worker. You can do this anonymously, if you would like; I will not split hairs.

In the future, you might want to consider home delivery of pharmaceutical products through Internet sites like Drugstore.com or CVS. It will reconcile your embarrassment over being seen purchasing the product with your need to buy it.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Birth Control, Sex Life A Private Matter

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are having an argument over an embarrassing topic, and we need a neutral third party to settle it. I cannot take birth control pills because they make me sick; I hate the way a diaphragm feels; and an IUD is too expensive. My husband "Xander" will not have a vasectomy, so as a solution to this problem we use condoms. Because we are married, we don't want the whole world to know this - like I said, it is embarrassing.

On our last trip to the local drugstore to pick up a few prescriptions and what not, Xander decided to grab a large box of Trojan vibrating condoms (which is not what we use!) and loudly ask me from ten feet away, "Honey, do we need more condoms?" as he shook the box for emphasis. Angry and humiliated, I shouted back, "No dear; we still have plenty at home!". Xander feels that in saying this, I was announcing to the entire (rather crowded) store that we don't have sex very often; I feel that he basically announced to the store that we have a kinky sex life and that we are constantly going at each other. At this point, I do not want Xander touching me until he apologizes; but he feels that I owe him an apology. Who do you think is right, Tazi?

Signed,
Holding Out

Dear Holding Out:

Your story reminds me of one my Mommie once heard, while working in a pharmacy. A woman shyly walked in to buy a box of condoms, and the pharmacist asked her "what size?", referring to the size package she wanted. The woman, not understanding the question, responded, "Well, to tell you the truth, my husband is on the small side..."

I share this story with you so that you and Xander can see that there are much more memorable conversations that occur at the pharmacy, and that your tiff probably does not even make it into the Top 10! Xander was wrong to make such a public announcement in a crowded store, knowing that you would prefer to keep your method of birth control a private matter. A Tazi Paw Tap of Disgust to his nose for breaking your confidence!

I have to add, though, that your smart-remark right back to Xander, while difficult to resist, obviously hurt his feelings. If this is the first time that Xander has broken your confidence, I would let it slide and offer an apology to him in return for an apology from him. Once apologies have been given, I suggest you kiss and make-up. Marriage is difficult enough without holding a grudge over a bruised ego.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Elderly Aunt Leaves Legacy Without Even Realizing It

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi-Kat,

You remind me so much of my beloved Spats, except that your paws are all black and Spats has the most adorable white booties on his paws! I am writing to you today to ask your advice on a question I have regarding inheritance.

I am a 96 year old lady, who never married and has no children of my own; just several nephews and nieces, as well as grand-nephews and nieces, and even one great-grand nephew! Before my siblings all passed (I am the youngest of 11!), my nephews and nieces would visit me regularly with their children in tow. As the years passed on, so did my siblings and the visits from their children became fewer and far between until they completely stopped about 10 years ago.

A few months ago, my youngest grand-nephew, "Carl" started college. For his American History class, he had to interview someone who has lived through important moments in American history. I was quite flattered when he chose me because, as he said, "Aunty Nana, you have lived through so much history!" I suppose that was a polite way of saying I am old, but I also suppose it is true!

As a part of his project, Carl stopped by to visit me on several occasions to ask me questions about my memories of important events in U.S. History - the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the assassination of President Kennedy, the civil rights movement of the 1960's, and the like. I have truly enjoyed Carl's visits, and I think he enjoyed them, too, because he has continued to visit with me on a weekly basis; even though his project is now complete.

Tazi-Kat, until Carl started visiting me, I thought I had nobody to whom I could bequeath my sizeable estate when I pass. I was going to leave everything in trust for Spats, and then to charity when he passed; but now I am considering re-writing my will and, after making financial accommodations for Spats and a donation to my local ASPCA, leaving the remainder of my estate to Carl. My concern is that Carl is still young, and I fear his interest in spending time with me will be fleeting. I do not wish to bribe him into spending time with me, but I do not wish to leave an inheritance to one who deserts me in my old age. It is for this reason that I am not leaving anything to my nephews or nieces.

I am also concerned that if I do leave everything to Carl, he will see it as a door to Easy Street and leave school before he completes his education. His goal is to be a History teacher, like I was before I retired. I know how difficult it is to live on a teacher's salary - my fortune comes from investing well - so I know that an inheritance will be helpful to Carl should he continue on this path. My Spats loves him, and animals are a good judge of character, plus he seems like such a good, sincere young man. He introduced me to the Facebook that all of his cousins use to keep in touch with each other, and shows me the pictures they post of themselves so I may see what is going on with them. It was on the Facebook that I saw your column, too! Such a smart kitty you are! Do you have any advice for an old lady like me?

Signed,
Aunty Nana to 35

Dear Aunty Nana:

You sound like a lovely lady, old or not, and if I were there with you I would cuddle up on your lap and purr to show you how nice I think you are!

It is shameful that many of our country's elderly are left to live out their final years alone, so I can see why you appreciate your grand-nephew's visits and his interest in what you have to say. Judging by the fact that he wants to be a History teacher, I would say that his interest in you and all that you have lived through is quite sincere. His absence from your life up until this point should not be held against him - he would have been no older than 8 years old the last time he saw you, and may very well not have known of your existence up until a few months ago - so I would not worry about him suddenly becoming too busy to spend time with you.

I can understand your concerns about Carl's youth and for that reason, should you decide to leave your estate to him, it should be left in trust for him until he

A) Reaches a certain age (say 25)
B) Completes his education and finds employment in his field or
C) Both of the above

This plan will guarantee that Carl is old enough (and hopefully mature enough) to handle a sizable inheritance and has completed his education. When a person goes through the trouble of earning a degree and in Carl's case, two degrees - a Bachelors and a Masters, as a graduate degree is required to teach in many states - they generally are not in a hurry to completely abandon it; regardless of their financial situation.

Please keep in mind, though, that you may have many years still ahead of you to mentor Carl and encourage him in his studies, so try to put worry aside and enjoy your time together. Whether you realize it or not, mentoring is what you are doing during your weekly visits with your grand-nephew; and this is a gift that no amount of money could ever buy! Long after you have passed on, the financial cushion that you leave Carl - however small or sizable - will be appreciated; but the time you spent with him is a legacy that will mean all the more.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: Remembering Pearl Harbor

Dear Readers,

Today is the anniversary of the Pearl Harbor bombings. There is a lot of controversy about whether or not to "celebrate" this day in light of the U.S. actions that ended World War II; however, I do not believe that remembering those lost to armed conflict is in and of itself "celebrating" - nor do I believe such losses are something to celebrate, regardless of who has fallen or on which side of the U.S. border they lived.

I ask that for a moment, you pause to remember not the cause of the attack on Pearl Harbor nor the retaliatory military actions taken by the United States, but the memory of those who died on December 7, 1941. May remembering that human lives were lost help us to remember to pause in our anger towards others and work towards non-violent solutions.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Environmentalist" Husband Goes Too Far For Wife's Bathroom Comfort

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I are having a disagreement about a very important issue - toilet paper. Not over which way it should hang, but the use of it in general. I will admit that I am frugal, but I am also an environmentalist and I have a problem with the idea of killing trees to wipe one's bottom. I figure that we use washable/reusable cloth diapers for babies and came up with a similar idea for adults: reusable toilet cloths.

I was at the hardware store and I noticed that they sell reusable rags at a very low price - 12 for $1! The rags are large and absorbent, so when doing #2 you could easily finish the job with only one rag or two, as opposed to several sheets of toilet paper that will just be flushed down the drain and into the environment. Once soiled, the rags could be thrown into an diaper genie, sans the plastic bags, and laundered at the end of the week! As for #1, men don't have to wipe themselves and women only need blot before tossing the rag into a laundry hamper. Urine is sterile, so this should not pose a problem. My wife thinks differently.

"Julia": has absolutely refused to sign onto the idea of environmentally-friendly toilet paper. I think this is unfair, since she uses more toilet paper than me (because she uses it for #1 and #2) and I earn the larger paycheck between the two of us; therefore, more of my earnings are going towards toilet paper. However, it is like I said - it is not about the money; it is about the environment!

I think my idea could really catch on, once we start it! I have even offered to launder the toilet cloths for Julia, since the ick factor seems to be what bothers her. I think once our friends and family see what we are doing they will want in on it, too, just like they did when they saw my low-flow toilet and shower head all those years ago! I tried bringing home some cloths and a diaper genie, but Julia locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out until I returned them. Is there any way to get my wife to see the reasonableness of my plan? It really is what's best for the environment!

Signed,
Frugal Environmentalist

Dear Frugal Environmentalist:

I have often joked about someone being so cheap that they recycle toilet paper, but never actually knew people like you existed. You say three times that you are only thinking of the environment and not your wallet...who are you trying to convince - me or you? Because it appears that your wife certainly is not convinced!

While we are on the subject of the environment, let me settle your hash here and now: after it leaves the body urine ceases to be sterile! It contains urea, which is made up of carbon dioxide, ammonia, and other pollutants that the body seeks to excrete. Why would you want to leave urine soaked rags in your bathroom, exposed to the air? Furthermore, I don't care how much bleach you use to launder your feces-smeared rags; I cannot imagine putting a load of clothes into the same washing machine as the one used to launder these "toilet cloths"

If you are seeking an environmentally-friendly way to take care of bathroom business, I suggest you buy environmentally-friendly toilet paper. There are several brands that are carried by local and national retailers that are quite affordable, too.

I have no idea where to buy this; I just love the name!

In the future, I suggest you discuss such matters with your wife before unilaterally deciding to make such drastic changes to your home. Might I suggest - since you insist that it really is all about the environment - you look into installing a composting toilet? It would allow you to reduce your carbon footprint by giving back to Mother Nature every time you "go"!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Girlfriend Upset Over Infidelity - But Is Boyfriend Or Best Friend To Blame?

Dear Tazi:

I am a high school junior and the girl I thought of as my best friend has been [having a romantic fling with] my boyfriend! How could she do this to me? I trusted her around him and this is how she repays me? Some friend, huh?

It happened at a party that I was supposed to go to but didn't because I was sick. I asked "Mariella" to keep my boyfriend company and did she ever! My boyfriend told me that she must have spiked his drink because he felt all stupid and had no idea where he was or what was going on and the next thing he knew he was [having sex with] Mariella. I have obviously forgiven my boyfriend, but I never want to speak to Mariella again - especially since she is claiming that things happened the other way around - that my boyfriend spiked her drink! She even tried filing a police report against him, but the police said there was a lack of evidence to pursue to case! Can you believe her?

I am thinking of starting a rumor that Mariella has a disease "down there", but I am afraid people will think that she got it from my boyfriend or that she gave it to my boyfriend and that now I have it. I have tried looking online for something really crushing to her - like maybe HPV - but the only way I would know that she had that is if I saw it (ewww) or if she gave it to my boyfriend and I saw it on him (no way!). I know you are going to tell me to forgive her and forget it, but this is my boyfriend we are talking about!

Signed,
Disrespected

Dear Disrespected:

I have read through your letter three times, and I am not sure what you are asking me. Are you asking a question or did you just write to me to vent? You are right that I am going to tell you to forgive Mariella, but I will not tell you to forget. Instead, I am going to ask you to listen - to her side of the story, and to what any impartial observers might have to say.

Why are you so quick to defend your boyfriend over your best friend? What kind of hold does this man have over you that you are willing to put your blind faith in him - even after your best friend went to the police and tried to have him charged with raping her? Are you certain that you are reacting as you are out of love for your boyfriend and not out of shame of the idea of him cheating on you?

As you have figured out, you cannot start a rumor about someone without the effects of it rubbing off on you, so I suggest that you drop that idea as quickly as you thought of it.

Although HPV can infect other parts of the body...

 I also suggest you talk to your school guidance counselor about the anger inside of you. You sound like a very hurt and confused young woman, and my heart goes out to you; however, you are going about solving the issue very poorly. A guiding hand from an adult familiar with all involved is your best bet for getting through all of this and moving forward.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Religious Differences Between Siblings Lead To More Than A Difference Of Opinion

Dear Tazi:

My brother is very religious. I am not. I respect his views, but he does not respect mine, telling me that it is his "duty as a Christian to bring the word of Christ" to me - which he attempts to do quite frequently, which is why I try to limit our contact with each other. (The operative word here is "try").

"Joshua" is my only sibling, so in spite of our differences I do try to be there for him when he needs me - which is also frequently. Apparently, following the word of Christ has not led him to a steady job with a paycheck high enough to cover his debts. When I mentioned this to him once, in jest, he got upset and told me that his "rewards are in Heaven". Have I painted a clear enough picture for you?

A few weeks ago, Joshua's car - which was pretty run-down to begin with - finally died on him. It was a day that he actually happened to have a job interview for a good paying job in his professional field, so I loaned him my car. When I got it back the gas tank was empty (I was not surprised) but there was an addition to my dashboard - a small crucifix on a stand had been super-glued directly under by rear-view mirror. The crucifix is made of pewter, so it is not some cheap plastic chotchkie that cost him  a dollar at the religious relics store.

I am very upset with Joshua for a) defacing my vehicle. Super-glue can do some damage and b) spending gas money on a decorative item that I don't even want! When I explained to Joshua that what he did was wrong, he gave me a new reason to be upset with him: he told me he'd had my car blessed for me while he was out. WHO does this sort of thing to someone else's stuff? The blessing does not bother me; it is the fact that he felt the need to have my car blessed - like it is the Satanmobile or something!

I have told Josh that I don't appreciate his spending gas money on decorations for my car and that I would appreciate it if he didn't drive it all over town when he is only supposed to be going to a job interview (his church, where he had my car blessed, is across town). Joshua's feelings are now hurt, and our mother has asked me to apologize to Joshua "in the spirit of the season". I understand her request but feel that it brushes aside my feelings on the matter, as if Joshua's feelings are more important because they coincide better with her own (she is religious, but not super-so). Should I apologize to Joshua for offending him and just never loan him my car again? Or should I stand my ground, and never loan him my car again? (Either way, I am never loaning him my car again!).

Signed,
Unapologetic

Dear Unapologetic:

I think that you and Joshua both owe each other apologies. Joshua was very wrong to use all of your vehicle's gas and not replace it. He was also very wrong to use money that should have gone for gas to buy you a present that he knew you would not appreciate. Finally, he was wrong to super-glue a statuette of anything to your dashboard without your expressed permission. For this he owes you a big ol' mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!

Although it could have been worse than an innocent crucifix!

On the flip side...are you certain that your brother got your car blessed because he viewed your persona vehicle as some kind of "Satanmobhile"? Was it possible that he felt blessing the vehicle was his way of asking God to watch over you and keep you safe while you are driving? Have you never heard of the annual Blessing of the Bikes? And honestly, if Joshua thought your vehicle was Satan's Caddie he would never have asked to borrow it in the first place!

It is possible that your mother has chosen to get involved and ask you to apologize to your brother because he has been bemoaning his case to her and she believes an apology received will be the quickest way make him stop. It is wrong of her to take sides in an argument between her children; however, if you both wish for her to moderate the issue than you may want to print out a copy of this letter and show it to both your Mom and your brother. There is a dreadful lack of clear and peaceful communication between you and Joshua that can only lead to further problems down the road - regardless of the path either of you choose to follow.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Loss Of Lifelong Best Friend Makes Woman Question Mourners Motives

Dear Tazi:

A friend of mine recently passed away and I am grieving her deeply. My problem is that her children, who are also grieving her, seek to lean on me in their grief so that we can "mourn together". "Josephine" was my oldest, dearest friend and as a sister to me. We were each other's honor maid/matron in our wedding parties and never did a week go by without one of us calling the other or visiting - if only for a few minutes. Our friendship spanned over 50 years and her unexpected passing feels all too untimely to me.

Josephine's children are all grown with families of their own, and over the last ten years or so they had drifted away from their mother, as children will do once they have lives of their own. Because of busy schedules - theirs and their children's - Josephine's children rarely came to see her; it was she who made the effort to attend her grandchildren's soccer games, ballet recitals, and band concerts. Josephine hosted every holiday celebration, partly out of tradition and partly because her daughters/daughters-in-law would insist on limiting the guest list so as not to have to cook a huge feast for 20 - 30 people. Josephine's table was open to all who wished to celebrate with her - family and friends.

I cannot help but feel upset and a little angry that her children - who did not appreciate their mother enough to make time for her when she was alive - suddenly want to put on a huge show of love now that she is gone. One of Josephine's daughters even asked me if I could "help" her put together a big family Christmas like her mother always did, in memory of her mother, claiming she didn't have the first clue of where to start! One of Josephine's sons has told me that I am the closest link he has to his mother, and could I please consider sitting in her place at his daughter's ballet recital next month. I have never been asked to attend one before, and I have a feeling that neither parent will be attending; that they are looking for a free babysitter.

Can you think of any way that I can push Josephine's children back a step or two to allow me to grieve my loss in peace? I understand that they are grieving, too, but I fear it is for all the wrong reasons.

Signed,
At A Loss In More Ways Than One

Dear At A Loss In More Ways than One:

You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your best friend. Such a long-lived and close friendship is a gift that you obviously treasured and do not wish to see tainted by the advance of the fair-weather friends that remain. You do not mention how close Josephine's children were to you when they were younger; just that they moved on with their lives and from their mother as they got older. I do not doubt they are mourning the loss of their dear mother; are you certain that they seek to use you to take over the responsibilities she once handled? Is it possible that you are misreading their intentions? Could it be that in their guilt over neglecting their late mother they are reaching out to the one who was most connected to her?

Beautiful, but a lot of work - especially for a working Mom!

I would suggest that right now you strike a balance between giving Josephine's children the benefit of the doubt and maintaining the distance you need to comfortably mourn your loss. If you are not at ease with the idea of helping to plan a big holiday dinner with Josephine's children, tell them that. I am sure you have family of your own to attend to during this time. Might you invite Josephine's children and grandchildren over for coffee and dessert after their Christmas dinner? With regard to attending a child's ballet recital, how close are you to this particular child? Would seeing you there in the audience bring her a swell of happiness or would you simply be another face in the crowd? Each of these requests needs to be taken on an individual basis, and carefully considered. If it is something you feel would help to ease your pain and/or strengthen existing ties, go for it. If not, you are well within your rights to politely decline all offers.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Candle Season Means Candle Safety

Dear Tazi:

My wife loves those scented jar candles that are so popular, and i have to admit they do make the house smell nice. My problem is that "Edna" isn't mindful of where and when she lights them. I work second shift, and will frequently come home to find that Edna has fallen asleep on the couch, candles still lit. She claims that the warn glow of the candle and the sweet scent makes her sleepy, and that she does not mean to fall asleep, and that the candles must be safe to leave unattended, otherwise they wouldn't be a multi-million dollar industry!

I am of the mind that there is no such thing as a "safe" unguarded candle once it has been lit and would like Edna to stop lighting the candles when she is home alone. So far, we have been lucky and nothing has caught aflame other than the candle wicks, but I don't want to press my luck. Can you offer a convincing argument or some easy tips to follow for candle safety? Edna loves you and she loves your column!

Signed,
Burning Up

Dear Burning Up:

I am in agreement with you that there is no such thing as a "safe" lit but unattended candle. Firefighters hate these things because they witness the damage and destruction that can be caused by them. A curious pet can knock one off a shelf or table, breaking the tempered glass; the candle can burn too low and get too hot and set fire to the place where it is placed; a breeze can blow the flame onto curtains or curtains onto the flame and the entire house can go up in minutes! Then again, you could also be trampled to death by a crazy mob of Walmart shoppers while out Christmas shopping, the odds of which seem to increase every year.

Since a person needs to balance safety with personal enjoyment of life's little pleasures, I think that you and your wife need to strike a bargain about when she strikes a match! To follow are some candle safety tips that come courtesy of the National Candle Association (presumably of America, judging by their contact information). If Edna can agree to follow all of them, all of the time, I see no issue with lighting a relaxing light.

Candle Safety Rules to Live By

(click link for printable version)

Always keep a burning candle within sight.  Extinguish all candles when leaving a room or before going to sleep.   

Never burn a candle on or near anything that can catch fire.  Place candles away from drapes, bedding, carpets, books, paper, flammable decorations, etc.   Drafts can also blow lightweight curtains or papers into the flame where they could catch fire.   

Keep candles out of the reach of children and pets.  Don’t place lighted candles where they might be knocked over by children or pets.   

Trim candlewicks to ¼ inch each time before burning.  Long or crooked wicks cause uneven burning and dripping.   

Always use a candleholder specifically designed for candle use.   The holder should be heat resistant, sturdy and large enough to contain drips or melted wax.  

Be sure the candleholder is placed on a stable, heat-resistant surface.  This will also help prevent possible heat damage to underlying surfaces and prevent glass containers from cracking or breaking.   

Keep the wax pool free of wick trimmings, matches and debris at all times.  Always read and follow the manufacturer's use and safety instructions carefully.  Don't burn a candle longer than the manufacturer recommends.   

Always burn candles in a well-ventilated room.   Don't burn too many candles in a small room or in a "tight" home where air exchange is limited.  

Don't burn a candle all the way down.  Extinguish the flame if it comes too close to the holder or container. For a margin of safety, discontinue burning a candle when 2 inches of wax remains or ½ inch if in a container.   
Never touch or move a burning candle when the wax is liquid.  

Never use a knife or sharp object to remove wax drippings from a glass holder. It might scratch, weaken, or cause the glass to break upon subsequent use.   

Place burning candles at least three inches apart.  This ensures they won't melt one another, or create drafts that can cause the candles to flare.   

Use a snuffer to extinguish a candle.  It's the safest way to prevent hot wax splatters.  

Never extinguish candles with water.  The water can cause the hot wax to splatter and might cause a glass container to break.   

Be very careful if using candles during a power outage.  Flashlights and other battery- powered lights are safer sources of light during a power failure.   

Make sure a candle is completely extinguished and the wick is no longer glowing before leaving the room.  

Extinguish a candle if it flickers repeatedly, smokes, or the flame becomes too high. The candle isn't burning properly. Let it cool, trim the wick, check for drafts and then re-light.  

Never use a candle as a night light.         

©  2008 National Candle Association    Visit www.candles.org for more information.

I don't know about you, dear readers, but I have learned a lot of new things about candle safety form reading this list! If you are a candle lover, be sure to click the link to download the printable version of this list and hang it in a conspicuous location!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Parents Of Adult Children Divorce...

Dear Tazi:

I am a thirty-something woman, married to a wonderful husband with two young children. Like all marriages mine has its ups and downs but my husband and I always work through them, keeping in mind the vows we took to always love, honor, and cherish each other. When my sister and I were growing up, we knew our parents had their differences and we witnessed how they always worked through them in order to make their marriage work. With their marriage as a model, I learned that there are times when a marriage takes more work than you would like, but in the end you will be glad you made the effort because the bad times do not last forever!

Tazi, I feel like my world has been turned on its ear...my parents have told my sister and me that they have decided to separate and will be getting a divorce! They have been married for almost 40 years! How can this be happening? Mom broke the news to me a week before Halloween, while Dad told my sister. They wanted to let us know before the holidays so the stress of hiding a lie would not ruin them for us. Like knowing that my parents don't love each other anymore is going to make for a happy holiday season?

My Dad has moved into an apartment while my mother remains in the house - my childhood home - and prepares it for sale. Neither my sister or I have told our children what is going on, and we would like to withhold this information until after the holidays. Right now, when we go over to visit and they ask "where's Grandpa?" my mother always says he is away on a fishing trip with friends. So far, he has been coming by to see his grandchildren once a week and has been acting like nothing is wrong, only that he has a new-found hobby of fishing.

I have no idea what to do or what to think about anything - including my own marriage. Am I doomed to the same fate as my parents? I mean, if they can't make things work what hope do the rest of us have? How to I tell my children that Grandma and Grandpa are breaking up? What do I do if (heaven forbid) one or both of my parents wants to bring a "friend" with them for Christmas dinner or our annual New Year's Eve party? My husband has been an absolute rock through all of this, telling me that every marriage is different; that he loves me and the challenges that come with being married - that he would choose it over being single any day - and that when the time comes, we will break the news to our daughters together.

I feel like I am acting like a little kid, whining about how Daddy doesn't live here anymore...I feel like I should be strong for my children...I feel like my parents should suck it up and work things out and be adults about this! And then, when I think these thoughts, I feel like I am being selfish; like my parents only stayed together because of me and my sister and took it until they just couldn't take any more. I think my one question for you, dear sweet kitten, is "How?" How do I handle the fact that my world is crumbling without crumbling myself?

Signed,
Numb

P.S. I know counseling would help, but right now I just don't have the time for it!!!

Dear Numb:

You have my sympathies for your entire situation. Divorce is never easy, and the longer a person's parents have been together the harder it is for a child to imagine them not being together - especially when that child is now a grown adult with children of her own, as you are.

Your husband is right; every marriage is different and you need to keep this in mind. Do not assume that your marriage is doomed to failure because you took lessons from a couple who are now separating, and do not assume that your parents no longer love each other! Your parents may no longer be "in love" or even love each other the way a husband and wife should love each other, but I doubt that these feelings have been replaced with apathy. Your parents have spent the better part of their lives with each other; they have two children together as well as grandchildren - what affects one will affect the other, if only because it affects the people they hold dearest to their hearts. No matter the physical distance they put between themselves, they will always be a part of each other's lives. You need to recognize this fact, and your parents need to recognize it, too, if they have not already.

Since you have not told your children about Grandma and Grandpa's separation, the impending sale of their house, or anything other than Grandpa's new fishing hobby I believe that you should let your parents know that you would like this Christmas to be about family only, and that they are not to invite a date to join them at your home. Point out that you have not broken the news to the children, and that you would prefer to ease them into the idea of Grandma and Grandpa living separately. Tell them that you do not want your children to be hurt in the cross-fire of a divorce, so that you expect both of your parents to remain an active part of their lives and to remain civil to each other while doing so! As difficult as this can be, it can be done!

Looking ahead, you will have to accept the possibility that one or both of your parents will be dating other people by this time next year. I do not believe the holidays are the time to spring someone new on the kids (of either generation), even if they have adjusted to the separation. A neutral time, place, and event is the best way to go about doing this, but that is another issue altogether.

I know that the winter holiday season can be a very busy time of year, but you may want to look into finding a counselor now to talk to in the new year. A good counselor will probably be booked several weeks (or even months) min advance, so ask your family doctor, clergy, or trusted friend for a referral and make the call as soon as possible. The coming stretch will be a rocky one for all involved, but try to remember that this is not about you, that you are not the cause of your parents separation or of their long-lived marriage. Also remember that nobody knows what goes on inside someone else's marriage except for the two people living inside of it. Trust me, it helps.

Extra Snuggles AND A Cuddle,
Tazi

P.S. You really think I am a dear sweet kitten? I am purring all over!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #69 - The Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs EVER!

[Ed. Note: Email readers may not see the embedded videos. Please click on the song titles to open a new window and view/listen].

Dear Readers,

Now that December is here many of you are tuning in to the Christmas songs that radio stations have been running 24/7 since Halloween! Last year, I published a well-researched list of really bad Christmas songs, and the one complaint I got was that I published it too late to save your eardrums! This year - due to popular request for a re-run - I am once again presenting my list of Worst Christmas Songs Ever. If you think I have left one off of the list, let me know via Twitter @TaziKat and I will see about adding it to my website! Now, without further ado, I present....

Tazi-Kat’s List of the

Top Five Worst Christmas Songs Ever (That We All Love!)

#5 – Last Christmas, originally recorded by Wham!

As my Woman’s brother pointed out, this song is not a Christmas song; it is “a breakup song! George Michael just added the word ‘Christmas’ to it and set it to a jingly beat!” I used to kinda-sorta like this song (until the cast of Glee covered it); now, it ranks at #5 on my list.

#4 – Christmas Shoes, by New Song/Bob Carlisle

The reason this song is so pathetically bad is that is designed to bring people to tears over someone else’s misfortune, but when you actually dissect the lyrics you find several large problems with the entire scenario, starting with the fact that a little boy is allowed to run to the shoe store, by himself, while his mother lay on her deathbed! Yeah, that’s very believable…actually, it is more believable than a kid knowing his Mom’s shoe size.

#3 – Father Christmas, by The Kinks 

Perhaps one of the more rockin’ Christmas songs out there, I admit that I have been caught tapping my tail to the beat! However, the whole song is about how a bunch of young, poor children of unemployed parents mugged Santa and made violent requests like “a machine gun, so I can scare all the kids down the street”. The song then suggests that we all “remember all the kids who got nothin’ while you’re drinking down your wine”. Haven’t these people never hear of Toys for Tots or other charities that assist with holiday gifts for the poor?  There is no reason why deserving children should receive nothing for Christmas. On the other hand, children who mug Santa do not deserve presents…

#2 – We Wish You An Adequate Festive Period, by The Happees 

Although the picture of a cat with human hands instead of paws gives me the creeps, my Woman personally loves this song and has been posting it to Facebook (ad nauseam) for the past few Christmases as a joke between she and her closest music obsessed friends. Unfortunately, not everybody is feeling the love for “Dracula laughing for no reason”, which is why this song makes it to #2 on my list (I am saving the #1 spot for a very special song!). A warning for all who choose to play this song: You will not be able to get it out of your head! (My Woman once posted this song to RI Governor Lincoln Chafee's Facebook page in protest of his calling the State House Christmas Tree a "Holiday Tree").

#1 – Do They Know It's Christmas?, by Band Aid 

This song has a very catchy tune, but have you ever listened to the lyrics? They are fraught with bad information! This song deserves a list of its own, so here are the Top 5 worst lyrics in the Worst Christmas Song Ever!

5.      “There’s a world outside your window, it’s a world of dread and fear, where the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears”

Has Band Aid never heard of the Nile River? It’s only the longest river in the world, running for over 4,000 miles, from Northeastern Africa straight through to the Eastern-central part of the continent! Additionally, there are dozens of rivers that flow through the various regions of the African continent, and let's not forget Lake Victoria; it's the main reservoir of the Nile River, and the largest fresh-water lake in the world!

4. “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime…”

In 1899, author Joseph Conrad referred to Africa as “the dark continent”; apparently, Band-Aid still sees it that way, generalizing the continent as one giant, generic region, and not a multitude of different countries and climates that make up this vast land that spans the world's two hemispheres. (FYI, Band-Aid: Many regions of the African continent see snow).

3. “Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow”

Okay, I have already pointed out that the Nile river flows through the Eastern portion of the African continent (through Uganda, Ethiopia, Sudan, Burundi, and Egypt, to be precise), but I have a problem with the rest of this statement, too. The entire continent of Africa is not a desert! The African continent is home to many lush and tropical regions that are perfect for growing crops and trees. The eastern coast of Africa (including the island of Madagascar) is a tropical rain forest, while the average rainfall across the continent varies from 20 – 60 inches per year, which is similar to rainfall amounts in countries like the United States and the United Kingdom!

2. “Here’s to them underneath that burning sun”

The assumption that the entire continent of Africa is constantly under a “burning sun” is just pure ignorance. I realize this song is about Ethiopia (which is never actually mentioned in the song), but does Band Aid realize that Ethiopia has three seasons, and that they are not “hot, hotter, and hottest”? Do they also know that the month of December (a.k.a. “Christmastime”) falls during the coolest season of the year in Ethiopia, with temperatures ranging from 16 degrees C/61 degrees F (in the highlands) to 28 degrees C/82 degrees F (in the lowlands)? This means that if you are toasting Ethiopians at Christmastime, they are quite comfortable, possibly even a little chilly, and not dehydrating under a burning sun.

1. “Well tonight that God it’s them, instead of you”

This has to be the biggest “****; you” in the history of music! What makes it worse is that Bono – yes, the humanitarian and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, that Bono – intones the words, advising us to take a moment as we celebrate in our “world of plenty” to be grateful that we are not among the starving and drought-ridden people of the never-directly-mentioned Ethiopia. Why not ask us to give from our plenty? That seems like the proper thing to ask…

Bono's cat, circa 1985?

I hope you have all enjoyed my Worst Christmas Song Ever Countdown! Feel free to add your own in the comments section below, on my Facebook page, or via Twitter, through the hashtag AskTazi or directly by tweeting @TaziKat.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.