Mother's Favoritism Is Not Going Unnoticed

Dear Tazi:

I am feeling like the worst mother on the face of the entire Earth, the worst mother who has ever lived! I have two children, spaced sixteen months apart. Both pregnancies were wanted and planned, so I have no excuse for the way I treat my children.

For my first son, “Abraham” I did what every new parent does – went all out on everything, from the deluxe baby book; portraits every month; and the most adorable layette you have ever seen. Abraham’s first birthday was celebrated with a huge party, for which I rented a hall and invited family members from all over the country (in spite of the fact that I was pregnant with my second son, “Isaac”).

When Isaac was born, I simply did not have the energy to do all that I had done for Abraham. I did not make a baby book, did not carefully stitch baby clothes – in fact, Isaac barely got anything new at all; most of what he wore were hand-me-downs from Abraham – and I did not invest in the expensive monthly portrait package that I signed Abraham up for before I even came home from the hospital. Isaac’s first birthday party consisted of cake and ice cream in the backyard with my parents and my brother and his family.

This pattern of spoiling Abraham and shafting Isaac has continued over the years, with neither my husband nor I taking any real notice of it, since we figure that Isaac has had advantages that his brother has not, like us not worrying as much about his every move as we did with Abraham and giving him the freedom to do as he pleases in his dress clothes (which are Abraham’s old dress clothes).

Last year, Abraham had a milestone birthday – 10 years old! We threw him a big party, with pony rides and everything because that is what he wanted. We figured we would do the same thing for Isaac the following year until we discovered the overwhelming stress of hosting such a huge party and the difficulty of bringing in one pony for several children. My husband said never again, and I was silently relieved.

Isaac’s 10^th birthday  is coming up, and he keeps excitedly talking about the pony rides and other great things that will be a part of his birthday party, not realizing that it took us months to plan Abraham’s party and that we simply don’t have the energy to do it again. My husband, in a fit of annoyance with Isaac’s excitement, told him to cool it; that he will not be having a pony at his party after the “disaster” that it was at Abraham’s party. Isaac was devastated, and told us that he hated us, that we were the worst parents ever and that Abraham gets everything. Tazi, I feel like Isaac is at least partially correct.

Isaac’s words hit me hard, and I looked back at how we made all of our mistakes as parents raising Abraham and were certain not to repeat them with Isaac, but in doing so we never realized that we were short-changing our younger son. My husband says I need to get over it; that Isaac has benefited in ways Abraham did not but I am not so certain. I have been talking to friends who all say they have done the same – gotten in over their heads with their first children and then laid off with their second and third children. While it is true that I got in “over my head” with some of my plans for Abraham, I never meant to hurt Isaac! I just don’t have the energy to go through it all again!

I have always heard that birth order makes a big difference in a child’s life, and that only children and first-borns grow up to be the leaders – and I think I am seeing why! I feel like my husband and I have given all of our energy and nurturing to Abraham and left Isaac out in the cold. My husband says I am making mountains out of molehills, that by the time his birthday rolls around Isaac will have moved on…and that may be so, but how can I move on? His birthday is the weekend before Thanksgiving and I haven’t got anything “special” planned – just a party at the house. Invites need to go out by November 1!

Signed,

Worst Mommy In the World

Dear Worst Mommy In the World:

I would not say that you are the worst Mommy in the world; that title is reserved for women who smoke crack while pregnant and beat their children raw. You are, perhaps, a misguided Mommy, who has not yet figured out that you cannot give your children everything they want all of the time. Sadly, it is your elder son who is reaping the rewards of this ignorance and your younger son who is reaping its pains. If you continue with this pattern you will sow enmity not only between yourself and Isaac, but possibly between Isaac and Abraham.

I wish you had written to me earlier; I have a four to six week lead time before letters are published, but I bumped yours up to print the week it was received because a child was involved (you’re welcome). You need to be fair to both of your sons. The next time some ah-MAZ-ing idea for Abraham crosses your mind, ask yourself if you will have the energy and resources to repeat this plan for Isaac. Set aside the rose-colored glasses and be completely honest with yourself. If you have even the slightest doubts then work on a Plan B that involves something equally ah-MAZ-ing for Isaac; it does not have to be the same plan, just an equal plan.

Your children are reaching an age where they are acutely aware of what is fair and not fair. Is it fair that Abraham gets treated like a prince while Isaac gets the leavings? I don’t think so, nor do I think it is fair that Isaac has to watch Abraham get a part with pony rides – PONY RIDES!!!! – while he has to settle for something less, in spite of his desire for the same. Autumn is apple picking season. Might it be possible to plan a party for Abraham at a local apple orchard – one that has a pony or two available for guided rides? You could have apple themed games like apple bobbing, Pass the Apple (which is Hot Potato, only with an apple); apple treats like cider and pie á la mode (instead of cake); and every child can take home a bag of apples that they picked themselves! And, of course, there could be pony rides. (PONY RIDES!!!).

Um, no; not this kind of pony!
(I must speak to my Editor!)

I suggest that you take your husband’s advice and stop beating yourself up over what you have done in the past and concentrate instead on how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Germaphobe Crosses The Line Of Common Sense

Dear Tazi:

Cold and flu season is approaching, and I would like to keep my family healthy. We are taking daily doses of Vitamin C with rose hips, a multivitamin with zinc, upping our intake of foods rich in antioxidants, seasoning everything with fresh garlic, and using hand-sanitizer after washing our hands with soap and warm water.

I would like to refrain from shaking hands and hugging people during this time, but my husband says I am being ridiculous and he is not going to risk offending people – especially business contacts – by refusing to greet them in a customary manner. I have told him that if he refuses to follow this simple request that we will not be having intimate relations until the spring and that I will be sleeping in the guest room to ensure a minimal exposure to these seasonal germs. I do not want to alienate my husband, Tazi; in fact, the reason I am going so far to protect my health is that I would like to have another child and do not want to risk miscarriage due to illness. Can you think of a way to get my husband on board with things?

Signed,

Temporarily Germaphobic

Dear Temporarily Germaphobic:

Can you see the major flaw in your plan? You do realize that suspending marital relations with your husband is a sure-fire way to guarantee that you will not get pregnant, right? While I can appreciate your desire to stay healthy, the steps you are taking to boost your immune system should be enough to stay healthy during cold and flu season; there is no reason to avoid physical contact with people who are quite possibly taking similar precautions against illness.

Is there a deeper reason for your fear of germs? Is there something you are not telling me? Have you or someone you know miscarried in the past due to illness? A few sessions with a counselor or a frank discussion with your gynecologist may help to alleviate your fears and put you on the right track to getting pregnant and experiencing a healthy pregnancy. While no pregnancy is guaranteed, proper medical care; a lack of stress; and healthy habits can reduce the risks of miscarriage. Good luck!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Buried Secrets Are Unearthed, Disaster Ensures

Dear Tazi:

I am sick, sick, sick of my sanctimonious aunt telling me how to live my life! “Aunt Clarissa” is the youngest daughter of the eldest son, and I am the eldest daughter of the youngest son, so we are only separated in age by four years, but we are ages apart when it comes to seeing reality.

Clarissa grew up with all the privileges because her father had all the privileges of being the eldest child. He had his life settled when his parents passed away, and used his inheritance to start his own business; my father on the other hand was in college when my grandparents died and had to use the small inheritance he was left to pay his way through his last two years of school. These fortunes found their way to the next generation, with Clarissa going to exclusive private schools and having her college tuition paid for her (Ivy League, of course!) while I wet to public school and took out loans to pay the balance of my tuition that wasn’t covered by financial aid (at the state college).

My whole life I have had to deal with Clarissa telling me what to do and how to do it if I wanted to succeed in the “upper circle” in life. She would criticize my clothes, my hairstyle, my friends, my study habits – you name it! By the time I got to college I was used to her “guidance” and could tune her out whenever she tried to “advise” me on what courses to take. She didn’t even have the same major as me!

After graduating college, Clarissa went to work for her father’s company in a job tailor-made for her. She was given a huge salary and a corner office. When she decided to go out on her own, it was with her father’s blessing – and start-up funding! After a rough first year she managed to get her business on track and is quite successful, and I am happy for her. I really am; I am not so aggravated that I would wish failure upon her.

I graduated college two years ago, and am ready to leave the entry-level job I have been working but am having trouble finding the right job in this difficult economy. While I would love to eventually open my own firm, the time is just not right – I still owe around $20,000 in student loans and I need a new car. I would like to pay off my student debt, buy a car, and have some savings to cushion me before I take on a business loan and a new venture. I made the mistake of mentioning these goals to another (older) aunt at a recent family get-together when Clarissa swooped in with her advice.

In front of my whole family, Clarissa started to lecture me on how you need to seize the moment; that if you wait for the perfect time to start a new venture you will never begin it. She then used herself as an example of someone who “made the leap of faith into the world of entrepreneurship” and how it was the best decision she ever made. Tazi, I am embarrassed to say that I lost it on Clarissa. I told her that she was nothing more than a spoiled little rich girl who has always had everything handed to her; I pointed out that she graduated college debt-free, accepted an overpaid job with her father, and then took his money to start her own business, risk free. It was at this point an uncle spoke up, and things got even uglier.

“Uncle Joe” accused Clarissa’s father of taking advantage of their parents’ finances in order to “fleece them blind” before they died. Apparently he had borrowed quite heavily from them to purchase his first home, which he flipped for a whole lot more money; when Grandma and Grandpa died (in a car accident) nobody knew about the debt until several years later, long after the estate was settled and it was too late to seek reimbursement. Before too long, it became a free-for-all with everyone attacking Clarissa and her father – Clarissa for her attitude, her father for his dishonesty. I felt like a jerk for starting it all and quietly slipped out of the party and went home.

It has been three weeks since the blow-out, and Clarissa has not been seen in public. She has not shown for work and her business (an exclusive boutique) has not been monitored. Her salesgirls say that the books have not been balanced because the registers have not been cashed out and that sales are down because popular inventory cannot be replaced because suppliers have not been paid. Much of what she sells is hand-crafted by local artisans who sell on consignment! The salesgirls have actually had to take money from the registers to pay themselves; leaving slips in the drawer with the amounts they were owed!

I would like to call Clarissa and at least offer to get her store back in shape (I am an Accountant) but I am afraid of how she would react if she hears my voice. I have asked other family members to call, but they have said that what Clarissa does it her business, and that they are far too upset with her father to do anything about the situation. One uncle is talking about suing Clarissa’s father for repayment of the loan he took all those years ago, with interest and penalties. The whole situation is such an embarrassing mess for Clarissa that I can see why she doesn’t want to be seen in public; ours is a small town, and gossip travels fast. Should I call Clarissa? Walk into her store and take the reins until she is ready to return? What?

Signed,

Regretful Niece

Dear Regretful Niece:

I think the first thing you should do is call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on Clarissa. The fact that she has been incommunicado for the last three weeks – neglecting her business and her bills – screams for an intervention. With any luck, she had just been hiding and has not done anything to harm herself.

I think the second thing you should do is stop by her house and tell her that you are sorry that you blew up at her, that you had no idea things would explode so horribly all over her and her father, and to tell her that her business is in need of attention and that you will see to it until she is ready to face the world again. Seeing someone else take charge of her business may be what Clarissa needs to be jolted out of her shock and depression. If it is not, follow through and see that the registers are cashed out, the books balanced, the payroll completed, and the artisans paid. You may need to take some vacation time if you cannot complete all of this in your down time, but that is all a part of being a family – making the uncomfortable sacrifices in order to come together during hard times.

Try to understand Clarissa’s point of view: this princess has been knocked off of her throne. She has just discovered that her father is a thief who built his fortune on the rightful inheritance of others. Her entire life has been built upon that theft; everything she thought she knew about her father and herself has been tossed about like confetti into a strong wind. Until now, she has had the cushion of her father’s money to soften life’s blows; now, even that is poison to her. I know it will be difficult, but try to take the high road and find it in your heart to feel some kind of compassion for Clarissa; she is going to need it.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Disney Wedding Is A Wish Her Heart Makes

Dear Tazi:

I have always wanted to go to Disney World, ever since I was a child. My parents never had much money, probably because I am one of eleven children, so our vacations were mainly “staycations” and I never got to go further than the community pool.

I am now in my mid-twenties and with the man I believe I will be marrying – “Jake” and I have talked about marriage, and we are quite compatible, right down to our love of all things Disney. I know that Disney has both wedding and honeymoon packages, and I would love to get married in the Magic Kingdom and then sail off into the sunset on a Disney Cruise. The problem is that Disney weddings limit the number of guests allowed in your package and charge a great deal extra if you go over the set number. I have gone over our finances and crunched the numbers and in order to have my dream wedding Jake and I would only be allowed to have ten people – total – at our wedding, and that includes us, the bride and groom. I wouldn’t be able to invite all of my siblings to be there for my big day!

I suppose I could have a Disney themed wedding, but I wanted the characters there at my ceremony and I don’t think my guests would be too thrilled to dress up as various characters for the day. I have thought about hiring a wedding planner for when the time comes, but that would take money out of my budget so I am going to have to plan this on my own. Well, along with Jake, but you know what I mean.

You have such great ideas, Tazi; your answer to the woman who wanted a Wizard of Oz themed wedding was perfect, and the letter from the woman who was upset about the Elf and Fairy theme wedding was also great. Do you have any ideas on how to put me on the right path to my dream wedding?

Signed,

Hoping To Be A Bride-To-Be

Dear Hoping to be A Bride-To-Be:

First let me congratulate you on your good financial sense. A lot of people are willing to go into deep debt to pull off their dream wedding and end up starting off their married life arguing about money. I am no wedding planner, just an imaginative little kitty, but since Disney is a choice for many brides there is a lot out there for you to work with as you plan your special day!

Many women keep a wedding binder – even before they have met their Prince Charming! These binders are organized with everything from dress ideas to reception music, so starting one now would be a good idea; it will let you know how much you need to save, where you can splurge and where to cut back, and give Jake the general idea that you would be amenable to a marriage proposal!

Although they can be expensive, Disney has a line of weddingdresses based upon the dresses worn by their animated princesses – from Cinderella’s wedding gown (sigh…) to Ariel the mermaid’s bridal dress. If you are going to splurge on something, the dress is where to do it! Start saving!

Since you are going for a full Disney theme, why not have your bridesmaids dress up like Disney princesses; your groom as Prince Charming; and the groomsmen and his footmen or other leading male characters to match with the bridesmaids? Although it would be incredibly tacky to have the officiate dressed like Mickey Mouse, you can carry a “mouse ear” themed bouquet with Disney-themed ribbons and the reception can have an entire Disney theme to it – complete with life-sized cardboard cutouts of Mickey and the gang to a visit from the Mouse himself (you could hire someone to dress up like Mickey and greet your guests as they arrive or rent a costume and find a willing friend to do the honors). There are even Disney-themed wedding cakes, so you are covered there, too, and your music list can include songs from Disney movies – “Candle on the Water” (from Pete’s Dragon) is a beautiful love song; “Bear Necessities” (from The Jungle Book) is just plain fun!

Or you could take the low-road to Tacky-ville

An easy way to defray the cost of the wedding, so you can splurge in other areas, is to plan for a Friday night wedding or a Saturday morning event, avoiding the traditional (and much more pricy) Saturday evening. If you have a morning wedding with reception to follow you could serve brunch instead of dinner, saving on the cost of the overall menu while still providing a delicious meal and an enjoyable experience. I suggest you search for a few wedding planning and bridal websites that will help you with organizing your dream wedding.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

High School Dropout Needs To Face Opportunity Head-On

Dear Tazi:

I have a secret that nobody knows: I never graduated high school and I don’t have a G.E.D. My current employer requires all people have a diploma or equivalency and I got around that by lying on my application, figuring they wouldn’t bother to check (which they didn’t). I have done quite well in my job because I work hard and follow orders, and I don’t mess around when I am supposed to be working. I am polite and respectful to our customers, and am good at solving problems. I am so good at my job that my Manager wants to recommend me for a promotion; she told me that the job requires a degree, but for the right person they could work around that and I could take the job and work towards my degree at the same time. When I told her I didn’t have the money to go back to school (which I thought was a convincing excuse) she told me that the company would pay my tuition, so I shouldn’t have to worry about the cost of it.

Tazi, I am in big trouble! I can’t get into college without having a diploma or G.E.D. and if my company finds out I don’t have either I will be fired instead of promoted! I immediately looked into getting my G.E.D. and the process would take too long to finish before my company would expect me to start taking classes. I told my boss that I had thought things through, and felt that the promotion was not right for me, that I am happy working where I am. She was disappointed, and couldn’t figure out why I would turn down a better job that paid a lot more money, and so far she has brought up the subject twice – the first time right before the company hired someone else, the second time after that person wasn’t working out well with the other employees. I hate disappointing my boss like this, but I don’t know what else to do! Do you?

Signed,

Caught!

Dear Caught!:

Do you want the promotion you are being offered? Do you want the opportunity to go back to school and further your education? If the answer to both of these questions is yes, then you are in luck. Community colleges do not require you to have a diploma or G.E.D. to take courses there. Federal law requires you have one in order to receive financial aid, but since your company would pay for the classes you can skirt this issue; your academic records are your private information, and you do not need to reveal to them the information on your application for admission.

If you want the promotion, or any other kind of job advancement, you will need to talk to your boss about the types of classes you will need to take; if you need to be in a degree program or if you can take a few classes first before deciding to enroll as a matriculating student; and how long the company will give you to complete the degree requirements. At this point you can discuss your academic strengths and weaknesses with your boss. You do not have to reveal your lack of a diploma if you feel it will cost you your job; you can simply say, “It has been a while since I have seen the inside of a classroom, and I may need some remedial coursework in a few subjects.” Community colleges usually offer remedial classes, although not for college credit because the work involved is on the junior high and high school level and is intended to prepare students for college level work. Your company will probably pay for these because it increases your chances of doing well in the degree level classes you will need to take.

A lie, once said, cannot be taken back without repercussions, something you are discovering the hard way. You seem remorseful for your untruth, so I will not paw slap you over you, but encourage you to go forth and correct your mistakes! Don’t let fear hold you back, especially when you have your boss on your side!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #61 - Dates From Hell (Part I)

Dear Readers:

Having recently been discarded by my lady friend for her latest flavor of the month (sigh…I am a bit bitter about it) I unexpectedly find myself on the dating scene. While perusing the lady cats on Twitter I saw a gorgeous female that I would have loved to pursue if not for the distance between us. Since I hate to travel any place further than my Mommie’s voice will carry, I immediately realized that a relationship between me and this lovely Queen could never be… [Big moping sigh]. I found myself wondering if this is what you humans go through in your search for love from someone other than your loyal pet (as if ANYONE could love you more than us!) and put on the call on Twitter for bad date stories and tales of unworkable love. My mailbag was filled with your tales of humor about your romantic woes that I am sure were not humorous at the time. I actually received enough material to write several columns, so I chose my favorite ten tales to share. I will present the first five this week, with my remaining five faves to follow sometime next month.

Our first tale of woe (or should I say “whoa!”) comes from a woman who discovered that her blind date had a completely different definition of “horseback riding” than the rest of us!

Dear Tazi:

You asked for “bad date” stories and have I got one for you! I placed a personal ad on [a popular dating site] and centered my ad around the theme of horses and riding, since I rode competitively as a teenager and still enjoy riding for fun and exercise. I mentioned that I stable my own horse and was looking for someone with the same interests.

I got several responses, most from men who don’t ride or have not ridden in years, judging by their physical condition or ability on the back of a mare. One guy seemed great on paper, and after emailing back and forth about how much we both liked horses I agreed to meet him. He really seemed to know his stuff, and sounded like an active rider. It turns out he was part of some sexual underground movement where men wear harnesses and bits and women are their “grooms”. He showed up at the stable naked under a trenchcoat, except for some kind of leather, S&M -looking outfit and a harness and bit worn over his head. 

Did he look something like this?

He looked at me, confused by the look of shock and horror on my face, and asked me why I didn’t have my crop with me! He told me he was a “mustang” in need of breaking and pretended to rear up and even whinnied! I stammered that there must be some confusion and high-tailed it out of there!

While I am not here to judge, dear readers, let this be a lesson to you all in clear communication! Our next “date from Hell” story is from a man who learned – the hard way – the difference between being a “non-smoker” and “tobacco free”.

Dear Tazi:

After my divorce last year I decided to ask my friends to set me up with any desirable women they knew and thought I would like. My one stipulation was that she be a non-smoker, because I have asthma and cigarette smoke can set it off so bad I end up in the emergency room.

A friend of a friend, who I know through my weekly poker game but not beyond that, told me he knew a woman who was looking for a good man and that he’d see if she was interested in meeting me. He showed me her picture from her Facebook page, and she looked terrific! Long legs that go on forever, stylishly cut chestnut hair that flowed from a cowgirl hat, and a sweet smile; the fact that she didn’t show her teeth in any of her pictures should have been my first hint that something was wrong with this picture!

“Sandy” and I had our first date at a Saturday night Rock ‘n’ Bowl, which I figured would be a nice way to spend the evening – it wasn’t too intimate, bowling was fun, and we could have a few beers while enjoying the music. It turned out that Sandy didn’t like beer all that much, but she loooooved dip! [Ed. Note: “Dip” is chewing tobacco]. It was only after I had ordered us a pitcher of beer that I realized that Sandy hadn’t wanted a beer but the cup I was planning on pouring it in; the pitcher was halfway gone when I saw that I was the only one drinking and that Sandy’s beer cup was still full while a second, empty cup was slowly filling – with a brew that was much darker than the draft I had ordered for us. Sandy caught me staring just as she spit into her cup, and asked if I minded “a girl who dug dip”. It was then that I caught sight of her teeth – a mouthful of tobacco stained enamel and gums. I didn’t even want to think about her breath, and started dreading the thought of her asking me for a kiss goodnight. I just smiled nonchalantly and asked if this could be our last game, that the loud music was giving me a headache and I was feeling a little nauseous (it was true; the sight of her teeth made me want to throw up).

And people say cats have bad breath! Harrumph! Here’s a date from Hell that would leave a bad taste in anybody’s mouth!

Dear Tazi:

My date from Hell was not a first date but actually a last date. I had been with “Marcia” for a few months, and the chemistry wasn’t there – for me, at least; had I known how Marcia felt about me I would have broken up with her before I allowed things to go too far. Yes, I was sleeping with her, but I didn’t realize it meant so much to Marcia; it certainly didn’t to me (at the time. I am older and wiser now, so no paw slaps of disgust, please. My wife already gave me one when I told her this story).

Sex was the deal-breaker for me. Marcia was awful in bed, but I didn’t want to break up with her after sleeping with her only once – I didn’t want to be “that guy” that women trashed on the ladies’ room walls. I did mention to a buddy of mine, who was dating an acquaintance of Marcia that I was going to break up with her; that I didn’t feel a spark with her and the sex was bad. I am guessing that is how word got back to Marcia.

I was biding my time, avoiding Marcia so a break-up would not be too painful for her, and hoping that we could just casually drift apart when Marcia called me and insisted that I come over her house so she could make me dinner. She said she had a special evening planned, and she was making a special dish just for me. Being a bachelor who could not cook (still can’t) I am a sucker for a home-cooked meal, so I made the date, figuring I could always break up with Marcia the following week.

Dinner was fabulous – Marcia made a complicated veal dish that she had pulled from a gourmet cookbook. The side dishes looked like something that you would see on a cooking show, and the bread was homemade. I was starting to have second thoughts about breaking up with Marcia, when she served the dessert.

Marcia had baked a beautiful cake, complete with butter-cream frosting and what appeared to be a thick layer of lemon pie filling between the cake layers. Marcia told me that it was “lemon flavored jelly” and she wasn’t lying, she just wasn’t being entirely truthful. It turns out that the lemon jelly she used to fill the cake was made with petroleum jelly, dyed yellow and flavored with lemon Jell-O mix. As I choked on it and tried to get the sticky stuff out of my mouth Marcia freaked out on me, calling me every name imaginable as she grabbed me by the shirt collar and threw me out the door, yelling after me about how evil I was for telling her friends that she was bad in bed. Like I said, it was the last date we had. I never did call her to apologize (this admission just earned me another “paw slap” from the woman the woman I married). If Marcia is reading this, I hope she knows that she got the last laugh and that it was on me.

Am I an evil kitty for laughing at your misfortune? I understand that bad sex can be a deal-breaker, but under the circumstances I think you got what you deserved! Speaking of deal-breakers, this next story is full of them.

Dear Tazi:

My friends always tell me that I am too picky when it comes to guys and that I need to lighten up a bit. I don’t like the idea of wasting my time with someone who I know will not be a good fit for my life, so I have always kept high standards for myself: non-smoker, light drinker; never married, no kids; college educated or at the very least professionally employed. When my college roommate told me she had the “perfect guy” for me I was a little leery, but agreed to meet him because Valentine’s Day was coming up and I didn’t want to spend the day alone – again.

My first date with “Chad” was a coffee date at a coffee lounge near campus – comfortable couches, low lighting, and folk music playing in the background. I was in between classes and only had an hour to spare, which made for the perfect “out” if things did not go well. My first impressions of Chad had me silently thanking my roommate for setting us up, and I was reluctant to leave after the hour was up; Chad was equally interested, so we agreed to meet for dinner that weekend.

That Saturday, I spent the day getting ready for my big date with Chad – I got a manicure and a pedicure, bought a new dress, had my hair professionally styled, and made certain that I looked perfect; when Chad told me how great I looked, I thought that all my efforts had been worth it. Boy was I wrong!

Over dinner, Chad opened the conversation by saying, “Now that we have gotten to know each other I don’t feel uncomfortable asking you a few personal questions. Shall we have a drink? I don’t want to waste my money on dinner if you don’t measure up to what I am looking for in a woman.” I was floored! I had just spent a few hundred dollars and an entire afternoon getting ready for our date and he didn’t want to plunk down for dinner unless I met his qualifications? Not knowing what else to say, I agreed.

Chad started asking me several deeply personal questions – from the intimate to the downright embarrassing, like if I wanted children, and if so how many, to how many men I have slept with and if I have (or ever have had) a sexually transmitted disease. When I told him I wasn’t comfortable answering these types of questions on a second date Chad told me he “needed to know” because he didn’t want to sleep with me if it would result in an STD or an unwanted child. I frostily told Chad that it was too soon for him to even be thinking such things about me when he interrupted me and told me that we may as well end our evening here; that he wasn’t going to spend “upwards of $50 on dinner if sex wasn’t on the table”. He then threw a $5.00 bill on the bar and wished me a good night and good luck finding “the one”. The $5.00 didn’t even cover the cost of our bar tab, and since he had driven us to the restaurant I had to call a cab to get home!

I wish I could say my night ended there, but the story continues. After I got back to my apartment my roommate told me that Chad had called and given her an earful about my “high standards” and how I wouldn’t even give him a chance, about how I shut him down every time he tried to start a conversation with me. Just as she started to lecture me I walked to my room and shut the door. I’d had enough for one evening!

I guess there are worse things than spending Valentine’s Day alone, huh? Here is one woman who may have preferred to do just that – if things hadn’t had a happy ending after all!

Dear Tazi:

My date from Hell happened one Valentine’s Day, before I met my husband and was desperately single. I used to hang out at the bar of a local restaurant, and it was there that I’d met a guy who seemed a little off around women, but I figured he was just shy. I was amazed at his fine taste in clothes, is perfectly manicured fingernails, his knowledge of fine wine, and just about everything else you would see on a TV show like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which was popular at the time.

“Harold” asked me out the weekend before Valentine’s Day, apologizing for the late invite but explaining that he had been shy about asking me out. I thought that was cute, so I said yes. It was Valentine’s night, and Harold took me to a very expensive, very exclusive restaurant. I assumed that he must have made the reservation months in advance and was flattered by the advance planning he did in hopes that he could overcome his shyness and that I would say yes. I guess I was so desperate I would have believed anything.

Dinner was sensational, and our waiter was very handsome and attentive but the maître d’ kept giving us dirty looks, like we were something the cat had dragged in (sorry Tazi. I am sure you only drag in the finest of dead creatures!). The evening was pleasant but uneventful until our waiter presented us with a dessert menu. At that moment, the maître d’ stormed over to our table and said, “Go ahead and stuff your face with it, you fat cow!”

I was horrified and was about to say something when Harold burst into tears and yelled back at the maître d’, “You know I am an emotional eater! If you weren’t so verbally abusive I wouldn’t be so fat!” It was then that I realized that Harold was gay, and that the maître d’ had been, until recently, his boyfriend, which explained why he was able to get such a great table; whoever made the reservation knew he had connections.

As the fracas continued, I wanted to melt into the floor. Harold’s boyfriend had broken up with him because Harold was still closeted from his family; his boyfriend had accused him of being ashamed of being gay and secretly liking women; I was Harold’s “revenge date”. Seeing how I was caught in the middle, the waiter gracefully offered me his arm and escorted me from the table, joking that he would be applying for the “newly opened maître d’ position”. Lucky for me, my story has a happy ending!

Before walking me out, my waiter offered me a free piece of strawberry shortcake to make up for my trouble – all he needed was my contact information, to give to the General Manager. As it turned out that waiter paid for the dessert out of his tips and kept my phone number for himself – and am I ever glad that he did! We have been happily married for seven years now!

P.S. My husband never did get the maître d’ job, but he never expected to, either; the maître d’ was the restaurant owner’s nephew!

What a great love story! I do hope that Harold and “the maître d’ ” were able to work out their differences, but I am glad that their differences worked out for you!

Snuggles to all who shared, and you my dear readers,

Tazi

P.S. Got a "Date From Hell" to share? Contact me via the form on this site or send me a tweet @TaziKat!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband's Catch Of The Day Not Always Wife's Delight

Dear Tazi:

My husband loves to fish and, in his defense, will eat what he catches. He will filet the catch and dispose of the mess properly, too, and clean up before entering the house – a total dream for wives of fishermen, I know, but my problem is that “Paul” doesn’t always catch stuff that is…well, mainstream on the scale of edibility.

Paul goes fishing once or twice a week, year-round, regardless of the weather. He has caught some wonderful stripped bass and flounder, but he has also caught things like sea robins, king fish (which are very oily), and tropical fish that I consider too pretty to eat – or so they were before Paul gutted them – and I can barely bring myself to prepare these fish, let alone eat them, and I beg off at the dinner table, saying I am not hungry but then needing a snack later in the evening.

The cooler weather is once again coming to our shores, and Paul is talking about all of the “great winter fish” he expects to catch. I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel like I have reached my breaking point; I can’t bear the thought of cooking up yet another skate or sculpin and need a polite way to tell Paul that while his efforts are appreciated, perhaps he should practice catch and release of his less edible catches. Can you help me with the words I need to say?

Signed,

Catch Of His Life

Dear Catch Of His Life:

As a cat, I love fish, but sculpin and sea robin? Those are rather bony and have very little meat on them! Be glad you don’t have to filet them – with their tough skin and bony plates it can be quite an effort! Paul must love you very much to go through such trouble to provide for you – don’t forget that this is what he sees himself doing: providing for you, and perhaps easing his conscience for taking so much time away from you to indulge his hobby.

Sea Robin: It's what's for dinner?

As much as wives would like them to, husbands cannot read minds; if you cannot bring yourself to tell Paul what you do not like to eat you can tell him what you do like, thus steering him in the right direction. I suggest that the next time you see your husband geared up to go fishing, give him a big hug and say, “I am really in the mood for ______.” (Fill in the blank with a type of fish you like, such as flounder or stripped bass). “Do you think you can bring one home today? If not, I can plan on making _______ for dinner” (Fill in this blank with something else you would want to eat). This dynamic gives your husband something to aim for – catching a specific fish to please his wife – and lets him know that you will not be disappointed if he is unable to fulfill your request; that you will make something other than fish for dinner.

If your husband surprises you and brings home the type of fish you asked for (from his own hook or from the fish market) thank him and tell him how you much you love him, and how happy you are to have such a wonderful provider for a husband. The ego boost should help the lesson stick.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bible-Thumping Husband Needs To Learn Not To Judge

Dear Tazi:

I am a devout Catholic; divorce is not a word that is in my vocabulary and my wife knew this when we married yet she has filed for one, citing “irreconcilable differences”. I have considered contesting the divorce, but my attorney says that all that will do is draw out the process and make it more expensive; in the end, I will lose. I talked to several other divorce attorneys and they all told me the same thing – that I cannot force my wife to remain married to me; the most I can do is try to prove to the judge why I deserve custody of the children and more than half of the marital assets, thus making a divorce financially and emotionally painful for her in the hope that she will reconsider and come back and try to work on our marriage.

The issue started when our children became teenagers. Our daughters are now 14 and 16, with the elder one driving. My wife thought this would be the perfect time for her to get a job to bring in some extra income. I took this as a slap in the face! As the husband, it is my responsibility to take care of my family and “Sarah’s” desire to work outside the home expresses doubt in my ability to properly care for her and our daughters. Teenage girls need a lot of looking after, and an empty house during after school hours is the perfect playground for the Devil’s work! It was while discussing this with Sarah that I discovered a few horrifying truths, including:

Our elder daughter is taking birth control pills! Sarah says that it is because the girl has “painful periods” and the pills help to regulate her cycle and control her endometriosis. I believe this is just an excuse and that surely there are other methods other than this mortally sinful manner to deal with the problem.

Our younger daughter has been reading the Harry Potter books at school and the library, in spite of my insistence that my children not be exposed to this heathenish filth!

My wife has been volunteering at a shelter for people with AIDS. Before we had children, she had worked as a social worker and she said that she missed helping people. She could easily help people through the Church and not expose herself to these sinful people who lie, cheat, and steal in order to fulfill their dirty habits that led to their punishment of disease.

Sarah claims that she has kept this and a lot more secret from me because she knew I would refuse to allow them (she and my daughters) to live their lives, and she is darn right that I would, since this is the way they choose to live! The fact that my wife has been keeping secrets from me has me so enraged I can’t even think straight! Sarah claims that our marriage has been going downhill for years and that I have ignored the problems, but how can I have ignored them if she was keeping them secret?

I am not asking for advice, Tazi; I just needed to get all of this off my chest in a way that people can see that I am not the bad guy here! Thanks for listening.

Signed,

The Righteous One

Dear The Righteous One:

I can see that you are full of anger – also known as wrath; a cardinal vice, if I remember my teachings correctly. You need to learn to let go of it and let peace enter your heart.

You do not ask for advice, but I would like to correct you on one issue you raised: prescription birth control can be a life-saver for those with severe endometriosis, which can be painful enough to stop a woman in her tracks and send her to the emergency room, screaming in pain. Imagine this happening to your sixteen year old daughter…now imagine that she is driving her car to school when the pain strikes. At 16, she is still an inexperienced driver and may not be able to keep control of her car under such circumstances, which could result in a bad accident. Furthermore endometriosis, when left untreated, can lead to fertility problems and repeated miscarriages. Do you believe that this is God’s will for your daughter, when there are simple, safe, and effective medical treatments available?

Pope Francis has recently asked the followers of the Catholic Church to open their hearts to love and to see the person behind the sin; your wife is doing this in her work with those afflicted with AIDS, yet you continue to stand back and judge. Perhaps this is why your wife felt the need to keep secrets from you. As it says in the Bible, you must “first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Mt 7:5 NIV). Call my sin pride, but it’s my column, so I get final say, and this is it.

--Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Missing Lingerie Makes Woman Question Husband's Poker Buddies

Dear Tazi:

I am more than mildly disgusted with my husband right now and totally freaked out by one of his poker buddies. I’ll explain, but it is giving me the heebie-jeebies!

My husband, “Carl”, hosts a poker night on a rotating schedule with his buddies, which means once or twice a month he has the guys over for a game. I had started to notice on the laundry days after his poker games that my panties have not been in the wash. At first I thought it was odd that a single pair seemed to be missing, then more pairs went missing; this last time my favorite pair of silk and lace bottoms disappeared, and I knew something had to be happening! I thought back, and that is when I made the connection to my husband’s poker games and my missing lingerie.

I told Carl about my problem, and my suspicion that one of his poker buddies is stealing my drawers, and he laughed and told me they were probably stuck in the heat vent of the dryer and he would check for me before a fire started. Upset that my husband chose his buddies over me, I emptied the laundry hamper before his last poker game and left a single pair of my panties in there. I showed this to carl and bet him that they would be gone by the end of the night. I then monitored the bathroom, and checked the hamper after his buddies used it; sure enough, my panties were gone after on guy – a creep named “Jared” – used it.

When I informed Carl about what happened I asked him to confront Jared about why he is thieving my panties. Carl was upset, but said it would be “too awkward” to ask that of Jared and suggested that from now on I remove all of my panties before his poker games. Well, duh! That is my plan! Personally, I do not want Jared in my house but my husband says he is an important friend (my husband is a V.P. of Sales and Jared is a local business owner with a lot of connections). I plan of emptying the hamper and locking up my lingerie before leaving the house on Carl’s poker nights from here on, but my question is: What is Jared doing with my lingerie? Carl was visibly upset over the thought of Jared having sexual thoughts about me, but would rather believe that it is all just an innocent misunderstanding. Do you have any ideas what Jared might be doing, so we can ask him point-blank and get over the awkwardness?

Signed,

Losing My Shorts At Poker

Dear Losing My Shorts At Poker:

I puzzled over your letter for a bit and came up with a few ideas. You refer to your underwear as “panties” and “Lingerie”, commenting that your favorite pair is “silk and lace”; this tells me that you are not wearing granny panties or even cotton hipsters, but the sexy stuff! You also say that Jared is a local businessman, and that only your dirty laundry is going missing. As creepy as this sounds, could it be that Jared is selling your panties to the highest bidder?

Has Molly Ringwald ever lived this down?

If you look online you will be amazed at what people areselling in the sexual underground; women’s unwashed panties can fetch a high price – and the sexier they are, the more they are worth. The simple, non-sexual answer could be that Jared has started a business selling your unmentionables.

There are of course other possibilities, but I tend to think they would be rather far-fetched; if Jared is a cross-dresser he would prefer to buy his own stuff rather than pilfer from a friend’s wife; if he was in love with you it would show in other ways; and if he was just looking to be kinky other women would have noticed their undies – and maybe their bras and teddies – going missing, too.

If you want to confront Jared, do it bluntly but don’t let him know that your husband is aware of what is happening; let him save face among his friends. Tell him you know that he has been taking your panties and you would like to know why. If he denies, tell him you caught him and that you are more upset about not knowing why than you are about the theft itself. Ask him point-blank if he has started a side-business selling your stuff, and see how he reacts; it may work as the ice-breaker you need to get Jared to open up about why he finds your dirty laundry so valuable.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bat Mitzvah Celebration Second To The Importance Of Ceremony

Dear Tazi:

My daughter will be turning 13 this spring, and her father and I are secretly planning her Bat Mitzvah party. Our religion and our culture are very important to us, and we wish to pass the importance of them onto our daughter; for this reason we are having her concentrate on the solemnity of the event and have her thinking there will be a light reception in the Temple hall after the ceremony. She has no idea that we have planned a large party for her and will be inviting all of her friends, as well as family who will be traveling a great distance to see her.

“Rachel” has attended several Bar and Bat Mitzvahs over the past few years and has seen the great lengths her friends’ parents have gone through to make these special events memorable – formal dances at a local ballroom; a small fair, complete with a midway and rides; a $100-a-plate dinner, to name a few. My husband and I have been very fortunate financially, and will be sparing no expense on Rachel’s party, however we do not want her to turn into a “princess”; for this reason, we have always worked to keep her humble and have not spoiled her.

Rachel is starting to ask what we will be doing for her Bat Mitzvah and throwing suggestions our way – renting a nightclub and hiring PaulyD. from Jersey Shore to DJ it; hosting a spa day for her and all of her guests; and other ideas that only a young teen would suggest. We have planned an evening of dinner and dancing aboard a cruise ship that will cruise to the local islands where the party will continue both on the yacht and the beach. Rachel knows nothing of this; we have told her that she should concentrate on learning her Hebrew for the big day and to leave the reception to us, her parents.

I guess we have done a good job of convincing Rachel that she will not be getting a huge party, because she has started to whine and complain about how we are “the worst parents ever” and how she will be “completely humiliated” in front of all her friends when all she gets is a reception in the Temple hall. When my husband threatened to take even that away if she did not behave, she tried cajoling us by telling us how all of her friends have invited her to huge parties and that it would be rude not to reciprocate. Knowing as we do, her pleas are falling upon deaf ears.

This week it got back to my husband, through one of his business contacts, that Rachel has been bragging to her friends that we will be throwing her the “biggest bash” anyone has ever seen, that we are pulling out all the stops to make it the most memorable party ever. Since Rachel knows none of the details, we had to assume she was bluffing but we asked her anyway. She told us we now had to throw her such a party in order to save face and avoid embarrassment.

Tazi, my husband is livid! He is considering cancelling Rachel’s party altogether and going through with the small reception in the Temple hall that we have told her she will be having. We have tried so hard to instill humility into our daughter, but I do not think humiliating her will be the way to go about doing it. Thus far I have been able to convince my husband to think about his decision, but the final date to cancel and still get our (sizable) deposits back is coming soon and I do not think he has changed his mind.

I know this sounds silly but…well, during the Middle Ages cats saved our people from the plague by eating the rats and mice that infected others. [Ed. Note: The Judaic people kept cats as house-pets, which was uncommon at the time considering that cats were associated with witches and their craft]. My husband has a special affinity for cats, and he loves your comments, always saying you are a “klug ketsle” which means “clever kitty” in Yiddish. Can you think of a better way to teach our daughter the humility we so seek for her, and the understanding that the most important part of her Bat Mitzvah is not the party that follows?

Signed,

Shroyft

Dear Shroyft:

Thank you for the compliments and the faith you place in me to solve your problem! I will do my best to think of a solution that will work for everyone and save your daughter’s magnificent sounding party!

Rachel is at an age where young girls are becoming young women, and midst these changes come changes in attitudes. Girls take their insecurities out on each other, and constantly try to one-up each other to remain on top. It could be that Rachel’s friends were asking her what kind of party she will be having and she panicked. I would not be too hard on her – it can be very hard to remain humble when you are a teenage girl surrounded by angst; although she may not be acting humble on the outside, I am sure that your daughter is feeling plenty humbled on the inside.

Your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah is a huge event for both her and your family, so I suggest you make the celebration that follows about your faith and your family. At a wedding reception, the bride and groom spend an hour or two going to every table and thanking their guests for spending their special day with them, and spending a few minutes making each guest feel like a special part of the event; I suggest you have Rachel do the same at her party. This in and of itself will be an exercise in patience and humility, as well as a wonderful gesture to make your guests feel appreciated for attending, especially those who traveled a great distance to be there.

Although I am not Jewish, I am familiar with many of the traditions surrounding the faith, including tithing. I suggest you tell Rachel now that she will be donating 10% of her cash gifts received from her Bat Mitzvah. Tell her that she should start thinking about where she would like to donate it and why she has chosen that particular organization to receive her tithe. This can be a lesson in both humility, the traditions of your faith and the meanings behind the tithe. You could make this a part of her preparations for her Bat Mitzvah.

Leaving Rachel in the dark about whether or not she is going to have a large and splendid party – making her think that she will be having no party at all, in spite of her bragging – would be the road I would take. Once she realizes the pressure she is putting on you and her father is not working, she will probably start to do damage control among her friends as she tries to back away from her original statements – another lesson on the benefits of keeping a humble tongue in one’s keppelah.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How To Celebrate A 21st Birthday With "Style"?

Dear Tazi:

My 21^st birthday is approaching, and this is a big deal to me and I want to celebrate in style. My friends want to take me out for a night on the town, complete with a limousine to chauffeur us from place to place, but my parents (who I don’t live with!) are freaking out and demanding that I spend my “milestone birthday” with them and the rest of the family.

I understand that my parents are afraid I am going to get freaky drunk and do something stupid, but I don’t really like alcohol; I have tired it and it tastes gross. I do like to go dancing, and am very excited that I will finally be old enough to get into all of the good clubs, not just the 18+ ones where the staff watches you like an overprotective grandmother. I have tried to explain this to my parents, but they keep telling me that “It’s not you we are worried about; it’s everyone else!” They are afraid that I am going to end up in trouble because of my friends, and are insisting I spend my 21^st birthday at the country club with them for dinner and dancing. Tazi, the music they play there [stinks]. It’s all stuff for older people, nothing like the dance music I like.

I have told my parents that they can plan dinner at the club for another night, but they are insisting that I make my plans for another night. I have told them they can make whatever plans they want but I am going to do what I want and they can’t stop me. I realize that this makes me sound like a bratty little kid, but this is important to me and my friends. I am an adult and should be allowed to make my own decisions. The problem is that my decision leaves me feeling terrible, like I am disappointing my parents. How can I resolve this to make them happy while not selling out to them?

Signed,

Almost 21

Dear Almost 21:

Something you will discover (if you have not already) is that even though you are an adult and living on your own, you will always be your parents’ child. It is difficult for them to let you grow up because they love you and want to keep you safe, but also because they want to hold onto family traditions – such as celebrating milestone birthdays together.

Turning 21 is a milestone birthday in America because it signifies the next step into adulthood. When you turned 16, you earned driving privileges; when you turned 18, you earned voting privileges; now that you are 21, you are earning drinking privileges and the benefits that go along with them, such as entry to nightclubs where alcohol consumption is allowed. Within the past five years you have gone from someone who is completely dependent upon your parents to an independent adult. While it may seem like a long stretch to you, for your parents it feels like it happened almost overnight, and they are still adjusting to these changes.

While renting a limousine to take you from location to location is a wonderful birthday gift, the purpose behind it – so your friends can overindulge – concerns me. Reckless drinking is a dangerous habit to develop, and can lead to alcoholism in the long run and physical injury and sexual assault in the short run. It is not that your parents don’t trust you, but like they say they do not trust those around you. Being sober can help you keep your wits about you in an emergency, but being surrounded by drunken revelers like those who participate in “I’m Schmacked” events heighten the possibility of an emergency situation occurring. Your friends may be looking to use your 21^st birthday as an excuse to overindulge. With all of this in mind, I am going to suggest a compromise that should work for everyone:

Is this how you want to remember your special night?

(Here in the Northeast) nightclubs close at 2 AM or even later, so people do not start to show until 10 PM, and clubs do not start to fill up until 11 PM. This will give you plenty of time to have dinner with your family at the country club, have a dance or two with your Dad, accept birthday wishes from others who have seen you grow up, and then get to the club to go dancing with friends of your own age group. I suggest you have them pick you up at the country club; if your friends have been “pre-gaming” during this time they will most likely be fairly well intoxicated, giving you a preview of what your night with them will entail. At this point, you can decide to stay with your family and send your friends on alone or join them in their revelries. With any luck, your friends are sincere about wanting to celebrate with you, not because of you and will have stayed sober until the main event so you can all enjoy an evening of dancing.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

11 Years Old Is Too Young For A Sexy Halloween Costume!

Dear Tazi:

My daughter is eleven years old and has told me that she wants to dress up as Miley Cyrus for Halloween. A few years ago I would have been okay with this choice, but her behavior as a young adult has been scandalous. While I had no problem with “Maria” watching Miley as the wholesome Hannah Montana I caught highlights of her performance at some recent awards show and am horrified at how far she has fallen from grace!

I dodged my daughter’s request by suggesting she come up with a list of different costumes to wear for Halloween and we could go through them together to decide on the most practical costume for her. I live in the Midwest, and the weather can get a bit cold by the end of October – much too cold to wear what I saw Miss Cyrus wearing at that awards show! Maria rolled her eyes and said she wouldn't mind the cold, that this would be her last year trick-or-treating and she wanted a really cool costume. I told her to get working on her list!

Tazi, Maria and I have always made her Halloween costumes – an annual mother-daughter project. I am bittersweet that it will be ending, and I would like to keep my little girl an innocent girl for as long as I can. I know she is growing up and will soon be into “sexy” Halloween costumes, but eleven is much too young for this! How do I  get around this issue without coming off as an overbearing witch who refuses to allow my daughter even the smallest amount of freedom – like the freedom to choose her own Halloween costume?

Signed,

Wringing My Hands Over This:

Dear Wringing My Hands Over This:

Stop that, you’ll get wrinkles and old looking hands age a woman – just look at Madonna!

Note the red Kabbalah bracelet...

In fact, I want you to think back to when you were young; when Madonna was all the rage and all young girls (maybe even you) wanted to be just like her. How many of them grew up to be “boy toys” or “material girls”? Exactly. Your daughter’s idolization of Miley Cyrus may be upsetting, but it is just a phase – she is pushing the limits of the boundaries set forth for her; push back too hard and she will rebel, too gently and she will think she can get away with anything. I think you have struck a good balance in attempting to get her to consider other costume ideas.

Halloween used to be about having fun and stockpiling candy, but over the last several years “sexy” costumes have become all the rage – a “sexy piece of fruit” costume earned a “Throat Punch” around this time last year, which makes me wonder how far costume designers will go to come up with original ideas!

While you are assuming your eleven year old daughter wants to dress up like Sexy Miley, she may just want to throw on a Hannah Montana wig and go as a younger, more sanitized version of Miley Cyrus. You can hope for that and ask her if she wants to go shopping for a Hannah Montana wig for her Halloween costume; if Maria bucks at this idea, it is time for a sit-down conversation about why she wants to go out as Miley Cyrus and to what extreme she is planning on going. Eleven years old is not too young to feel peer pressure to look sexy; it is nauseatingly young, at least in my opinion, but it is not too young. Children – especially girls – grow up very fast in the age of media. It could be that Maria thinks a risqué costume will increase her popularity; do your best to convince her that some kinds of popularity are not worth the cost.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is It Ever OK To Announce Someone Else's Pregnancy To The World? (NO!)

Dear Tazi:

My mother tells me I have I have “egg on my face”, and while I admit that I made the biggest mistake of my life when I announced my sister’s pregnancy on Facebook before she had told our family and friends, I think my apology was good enough and that a second one is not required..

 “Jana” is not on Facebook, so I had no way of knowing that our family and close friends did not yet know, and I was excited to share my news that I was going to be an Auntie!

When Jana found out that I had let her “secret” leak, she was furious! She told me that it was her pregnancy and that she should be the one to announce it. Tazi, I realize this; I am not stupid! I waited a full week after Jana told me she was expecting before I posted the joyous news to myFacebook page. I figured that would be enough time for her to get the word out to everyone. How was I to know that she was keeping the news a secret until she reached 12 weeks? She didn't tell me this!

When I apologized to Jana and told her I did not know that she hadn't spread the word yet, she told me that I should have known not to say anything because she did tell me she was “only 8 weeks along”. I asked Jana what that had to do with anything and she told me, “Everybody knows you don’t announce a pregnancy to the world until you are at least 12 weeks along!” I have never heard of this superstition, and think it’s crazy that Jana should have expected me to keep quiet about the news for a whole month! If she didn't want anyone to know she was pregnant she should have kept the news to herself! Once you tell someone a “secret” it’s no longer a secret!

It has been a month since Jana and I have talked, and our Mom thinks I should try apologizing to Jana again – a “sincere” apology, as if my first one wasn't sincere enough! I think if Jana cannot accept my apology then that should be her problem, not mine. I am sure once the baby is born she’s going to want me to be there for her! Our mother says to stop being so petty and to extend the olive branch. Am I being petty? Because I certainly feel like the one owed an apology!

Signed,

Wronged Sister

Dear Wronged Sister:

A sincere apology should never, ever, under any circumstances contain the word “but”; invariably a lame excuse follows it, thus negating all sincerity and remorse expressed. To apologize is to acknowledge responsibility for a gaffe, not to try and explain it away.

I can fully understand why Jana was upset that you spread the word of her pregnancy. Nobody, but NOBODY, has the right to announce another couple’s pregnancy before them. Some would go as far to say that this privilege is exclusive to the one carrying the child, but I think a father-to-be should be allowed to tell people, too; after all, he had a part in making things happen! In the case of a lesbian relationship where one of the partners is carrying, the other partner should also be allowed to share the news. A grandparent-to-be, with permission, should be allowed to divulge the news to their friends that the parents-to-be do not socialize with but overall it is the parents’ news to share first – and foremost. Unless you have expressed permission to share the news, keep your lips zipped! Got it? Now go apologize to your sister for your boneheaded move using ONLY conciliatory words with no excuses for your slip.

This only works if you are of the feline persuasion 

Next, I would like to take a moment to clear your thinking about the “superstition” of waiting until the second trimester to announce a pregnancy. The vast majority of miscarriages occur within the first trimester, with the vast majority of those occurring within the first six weeks*. Many women prefer to wait until they have completed their first trimester before announcing the news of their pregnancy in order to avoid the need to share the news of a first trimester loss. I cannot even imagine having to announce something so personal and painful! Have I clearly illustrated your sister’s point of view? It has nothing to do with “superstition” (although some may say an early announcement may jinx them) and everything to do with personal privacy. While not “everyone” knows this you can now consider yourself schooled on the subject.

Snuggles,

Tazi

 *At this point the medical term for loss of a pregnancy is “spontaneous abortion”; the term miscarriage does not apply until the second trimester but I am not going to argue with those who use it sooner. I just clarify here so I don’t get jumped by those who are strict about interpreting the difference.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Values Money Over Love...Or Does She?

Dear Tazi:

I met my boyfriend “Charlie” through my best friend. He is her husband’s best friend since childhood. We met at a party and really hit it off and, because I assumed he ran in the same social circles as I, I readily agreed to see him again. I soon discovered that Charlie makes less money than I do – a lot less. It turns out that he only has a high school diploma, while I have an advanced degree.

When Charlie told me he had met my best friend’s husband “at school” I assumed he meant college or graduate school, not elementary school! Since we got along so well there was no way I could blow Charlie off without coming off as a snobby b—ch, so I acted like the difference in our earnings did not bother me and agreed to keep seeing him, figuring things would shortly fizzle.

It has been sixteen months and Charlie and I are still together. We have many of the same interests, which surprised me since my tastes tend to run towards the sophisticated, habits I picked up in college like wine tastings and theater. Charlie has been asking me about advancing our relationship. He would like to move in together, and since I own my own home and he rents it only makes sense for him to move in with me. Charlie would be a great homeowner; he is very handy around the house and can fix anything, and he enjoys landscaping and gardening. In fact, he has kept my yard looking exceptional ever since we started dating! I just can’t get past the money thing.

Charlie has offered to pay for half of my mortgage as well as half of the expenses, which will eat up about 75% of his paycheck but only around 30% of mine, should we split things this way. I know in my heart that this is not fair – that a relationship should be 50-50 – but I worked hard to earn my degrees without going into heavy debt and have continued to work hard to keep up my professional certifications. I am having a problem with the idea of parting with an additional 20% of my paycheck just so Charlie can keep more of his.

Do you think I will ever get past this problem with money? Do you think I should encourage Charlie to go to college and earn a degree? He seems pretty happy doing what he does (he assists a local contractor) and I would hate for him to take up a career he hates just for me. Was it a mistake to let things go this far? Should I just break up with him, even though I do love him?

Signed,

Uncertain In Carolina

Dear Uncertain In Carolina:

Which do you love more, Charlie or money? If the roles were reversed and Charlie made more than you, would you consider this to be a problem? Would you want to put in 50% of your paycheck while Charlie added 50% of his own to your shared finances? Would you prefer that you combine both paychecks and consider all monies household monies? If you can answer these questions truthfully, you will be on your way to knowing why you are having such problems with Charlie’s earning potential.

Quite honestly, you strike me as snobby. You discovered wine tastings and theater in college? My, you are so sophisticated! Most people discover wine while still in high school, while rummaging through Mom and Dad’s liquor cabinet in search for something to bring to a party, along with theater when they try out for the school play or are forced to read Shakespeare for their English class. While a higher level of education can expose a person to more “sophisticated” cultural offerings and a higher paycheck can make those offerings more attainable, such delights are not exclusive to the collegiate arena.

If you insist on reducing everything to money, I suggest you tally up the value of the services Charlie provides to your home. Landscaping and gardening? A landscaper will cost you a minimum of $25 a week to mow the lawn; gardening will go about the same but per hour, leaving you with at least a $200/month tab, if the lawn is mowed and the garden weeded on an alternating weekly schedule. A call to a handyman five times a year will go you another several hundred if not a few thousand in fees, barring any major catastrophes like a broken water heater or hurricane damage, which would put you much further into Charlie’s debt…let’s tack all of that onto Charlie’s financial worth and take it off of your own…are your salaries starting to line up yet, or do you need him to change the oil in and maintain your vehicle, too?

If you have a great relationship with someone, don’t try and put a monetary value on it. If in the end you still can’t see the value Charlie brings to your life (love, companionship, free lawn care), then you need to break up with him so he will be free to find a woman who deserves him. I feel sorry for you; you have a fortune right in front of you but cannot see his value.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

Dear Readers:

Were you aware that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Well, you are now; and I am here to make you even more aware of it with some fast facts about breast cancer – starting with the fact that the illness is not exclusive to women! Roughly 10% of breast cancer patients are men, which is one reason why the men out there should pay attention, too!

Twelve Facts To Help Make You More Aware 

Of Breast Cancer

1. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime

2. 85% of all people diagnosed with breast cancer have no family history of the disease

3. Although Black/African-American women have a lower incidence of breast cancer, they have a higher mortality rate. It has been shown that they are often afflicted with a faster spreading strain of the disease. Early detection can save lives!

4. The most significant risk factors for breast cancer are gender (being a woman) and age (the older you are, the higher your risk) – regardless of whether or not you are a smoker!

5. Breast cancer is second only to lung cancer among U.S. women who have died of cancer

6. There are almost three million survivors of breast cancer in the U.S. today, making them the largest group of all cancer survivors

In memory of Bridget J. "Birdie" Winiarski Dybala
October 30, 1921 - August 15, 1995

7. Almost 90% of breast cancers that are asymptomatic will be caught by mammograms and treated early, when recovery rate is the highest

8. Former First Lady Betty Ford was the first major American celebrity to come forward and talk about the disease, and worked as an advocate for funding of breast cancer research for more than 30 years

9. Although scientists do not know why, the left breast is more prone to cancerous tumors than the right – so give that sister a little extra attention during your monthly self-exam!

10. The United States has the most (reported) cases of breast cancer than anywhere else in the world

11. Nursing your babies (breastfeeding) can drastically reduce your chances of developing breast cancer

12. One in 40 women of Ashkenazi (Eastern European) Jewish descent carry the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene, the gene which mutates to cause many types of breast cancer. This is approximately 1000% higher than women in the general population, so if you are of Ashkenazi descent, you have all the more reason to do a monthly self-exam! It isn't dirty; it's medical!

So ladies (and gentlemen), pay attention to your bodies, your risk factors, and Maxine! Get checked!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.