Husband's Catch Of The Day Not Always Wife's Delight

Dear Tazi:

My husband loves to fish and, in his defense, will eat what he catches. He will filet the catch and dispose of the mess properly, too, and clean up before entering the house – a total dream for wives of fishermen, I know, but my problem is that “Paul” doesn’t always catch stuff that is…well, mainstream on the scale of edibility.

Paul goes fishing once or twice a week, year-round, regardless of the weather. He has caught some wonderful stripped bass and flounder, but he has also caught things like sea robins, king fish (which are very oily), and tropical fish that I consider too pretty to eat – or so they were before Paul gutted them – and I can barely bring myself to prepare these fish, let alone eat them, and I beg off at the dinner table, saying I am not hungry but then needing a snack later in the evening.

The cooler weather is once again coming to our shores, and Paul is talking about all of the “great winter fish” he expects to catch. I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel like I have reached my breaking point; I can’t bear the thought of cooking up yet another skate or sculpin and need a polite way to tell Paul that while his efforts are appreciated, perhaps he should practice catch and release of his less edible catches. Can you help me with the words I need to say?

Signed,

Catch Of His Life

Dear Catch Of His Life:

As a cat, I love fish, but sculpin and sea robin? Those are rather bony and have very little meat on them! Be glad you don’t have to filet them – with their tough skin and bony plates it can be quite an effort! Paul must love you very much to go through such trouble to provide for you – don’t forget that this is what he sees himself doing: providing for you, and perhaps easing his conscience for taking so much time away from you to indulge his hobby.

Sea Robin: It's what's for dinner?

As much as wives would like them to, husbands cannot read minds; if you cannot bring yourself to tell Paul what you do not like to eat you can tell him what you do like, thus steering him in the right direction. I suggest that the next time you see your husband geared up to go fishing, give him a big hug and say, “I am really in the mood for ______.” (Fill in the blank with a type of fish you like, such as flounder or stripped bass). “Do you think you can bring one home today? If not, I can plan on making _______ for dinner” (Fill in this blank with something else you would want to eat). This dynamic gives your husband something to aim for – catching a specific fish to please his wife – and lets him know that you will not be disappointed if he is unable to fulfill your request; that you will make something other than fish for dinner.

If your husband surprises you and brings home the type of fish you asked for (from his own hook or from the fish market) thank him and tell him how you much you love him, and how happy you are to have such a wonderful provider for a husband. The ego boost should help the lesson stick.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bible-Thumping Husband Needs To Learn Not To Judge

Dear Tazi:

I am a devout Catholic; divorce is not a word that is in my vocabulary and my wife knew this when we married yet she has filed for one, citing “irreconcilable differences”. I have considered contesting the divorce, but my attorney says that all that will do is draw out the process and make it more expensive; in the end, I will lose. I talked to several other divorce attorneys and they all told me the same thing – that I cannot force my wife to remain married to me; the most I can do is try to prove to the judge why I deserve custody of the children and more than half of the marital assets, thus making a divorce financially and emotionally painful for her in the hope that she will reconsider and come back and try to work on our marriage.

The issue started when our children became teenagers. Our daughters are now 14 and 16, with the elder one driving. My wife thought this would be the perfect time for her to get a job to bring in some extra income. I took this as a slap in the face! As the husband, it is my responsibility to take care of my family and “Sarah’s” desire to work outside the home expresses doubt in my ability to properly care for her and our daughters. Teenage girls need a lot of looking after, and an empty house during after school hours is the perfect playground for the Devil’s work! It was while discussing this with Sarah that I discovered a few horrifying truths, including:

Our elder daughter is taking birth control pills! Sarah says that it is because the girl has “painful periods” and the pills help to regulate her cycle and control her endometriosis. I believe this is just an excuse and that surely there are other methods other than this mortally sinful manner to deal with the problem.

Our younger daughter has been reading the Harry Potter books at school and the library, in spite of my insistence that my children not be exposed to this heathenish filth!

My wife has been volunteering at a shelter for people with AIDS. Before we had children, she had worked as a social worker and she said that she missed helping people. She could easily help people through the Church and not expose herself to these sinful people who lie, cheat, and steal in order to fulfill their dirty habits that led to their punishment of disease.

Sarah claims that she has kept this and a lot more secret from me because she knew I would refuse to allow them (she and my daughters) to live their lives, and she is darn right that I would, since this is the way they choose to live! The fact that my wife has been keeping secrets from me has me so enraged I can’t even think straight! Sarah claims that our marriage has been going downhill for years and that I have ignored the problems, but how can I have ignored them if she was keeping them secret?

I am not asking for advice, Tazi; I just needed to get all of this off my chest in a way that people can see that I am not the bad guy here! Thanks for listening.

Signed,

The Righteous One

Dear The Righteous One:

I can see that you are full of anger – also known as wrath; a cardinal vice, if I remember my teachings correctly. You need to learn to let go of it and let peace enter your heart.

You do not ask for advice, but I would like to correct you on one issue you raised: prescription birth control can be a life-saver for those with severe endometriosis, which can be painful enough to stop a woman in her tracks and send her to the emergency room, screaming in pain. Imagine this happening to your sixteen year old daughter…now imagine that she is driving her car to school when the pain strikes. At 16, she is still an inexperienced driver and may not be able to keep control of her car under such circumstances, which could result in a bad accident. Furthermore endometriosis, when left untreated, can lead to fertility problems and repeated miscarriages. Do you believe that this is God’s will for your daughter, when there are simple, safe, and effective medical treatments available?

Pope Francis has recently asked the followers of the Catholic Church to open their hearts to love and to see the person behind the sin; your wife is doing this in her work with those afflicted with AIDS, yet you continue to stand back and judge. Perhaps this is why your wife felt the need to keep secrets from you. As it says in the Bible, you must “first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Mt 7:5 NIV). Call my sin pride, but it’s my column, so I get final say, and this is it.

--Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Missing Lingerie Makes Woman Question Husband's Poker Buddies

Dear Tazi:

I am more than mildly disgusted with my husband right now and totally freaked out by one of his poker buddies. I’ll explain, but it is giving me the heebie-jeebies!

My husband, “Carl”, hosts a poker night on a rotating schedule with his buddies, which means once or twice a month he has the guys over for a game. I had started to notice on the laundry days after his poker games that my panties have not been in the wash. At first I thought it was odd that a single pair seemed to be missing, then more pairs went missing; this last time my favorite pair of silk and lace bottoms disappeared, and I knew something had to be happening! I thought back, and that is when I made the connection to my husband’s poker games and my missing lingerie.

I told Carl about my problem, and my suspicion that one of his poker buddies is stealing my drawers, and he laughed and told me they were probably stuck in the heat vent of the dryer and he would check for me before a fire started. Upset that my husband chose his buddies over me, I emptied the laundry hamper before his last poker game and left a single pair of my panties in there. I showed this to carl and bet him that they would be gone by the end of the night. I then monitored the bathroom, and checked the hamper after his buddies used it; sure enough, my panties were gone after on guy – a creep named “Jared” – used it.

When I informed Carl about what happened I asked him to confront Jared about why he is thieving my panties. Carl was upset, but said it would be “too awkward” to ask that of Jared and suggested that from now on I remove all of my panties before his poker games. Well, duh! That is my plan! Personally, I do not want Jared in my house but my husband says he is an important friend (my husband is a V.P. of Sales and Jared is a local business owner with a lot of connections). I plan of emptying the hamper and locking up my lingerie before leaving the house on Carl’s poker nights from here on, but my question is: What is Jared doing with my lingerie? Carl was visibly upset over the thought of Jared having sexual thoughts about me, but would rather believe that it is all just an innocent misunderstanding. Do you have any ideas what Jared might be doing, so we can ask him point-blank and get over the awkwardness?

Signed,

Losing My Shorts At Poker

Dear Losing My Shorts At Poker:

I puzzled over your letter for a bit and came up with a few ideas. You refer to your underwear as “panties” and “Lingerie”, commenting that your favorite pair is “silk and lace”; this tells me that you are not wearing granny panties or even cotton hipsters, but the sexy stuff! You also say that Jared is a local businessman, and that only your dirty laundry is going missing. As creepy as this sounds, could it be that Jared is selling your panties to the highest bidder?

Has Molly Ringwald ever lived this down?

If you look online you will be amazed at what people areselling in the sexual underground; women’s unwashed panties can fetch a high price – and the sexier they are, the more they are worth. The simple, non-sexual answer could be that Jared has started a business selling your unmentionables.

There are of course other possibilities, but I tend to think they would be rather far-fetched; if Jared is a cross-dresser he would prefer to buy his own stuff rather than pilfer from a friend’s wife; if he was in love with you it would show in other ways; and if he was just looking to be kinky other women would have noticed their undies – and maybe their bras and teddies – going missing, too.

If you want to confront Jared, do it bluntly but don’t let him know that your husband is aware of what is happening; let him save face among his friends. Tell him you know that he has been taking your panties and you would like to know why. If he denies, tell him you caught him and that you are more upset about not knowing why than you are about the theft itself. Ask him point-blank if he has started a side-business selling your stuff, and see how he reacts; it may work as the ice-breaker you need to get Jared to open up about why he finds your dirty laundry so valuable.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bat Mitzvah Celebration Second To The Importance Of Ceremony

Dear Tazi:

My daughter will be turning 13 this spring, and her father and I are secretly planning her Bat Mitzvah party. Our religion and our culture are very important to us, and we wish to pass the importance of them onto our daughter; for this reason we are having her concentrate on the solemnity of the event and have her thinking there will be a light reception in the Temple hall after the ceremony. She has no idea that we have planned a large party for her and will be inviting all of her friends, as well as family who will be traveling a great distance to see her.

“Rachel” has attended several Bar and Bat Mitzvahs over the past few years and has seen the great lengths her friends’ parents have gone through to make these special events memorable – formal dances at a local ballroom; a small fair, complete with a midway and rides; a $100-a-plate dinner, to name a few. My husband and I have been very fortunate financially, and will be sparing no expense on Rachel’s party, however we do not want her to turn into a “princess”; for this reason, we have always worked to keep her humble and have not spoiled her.

Rachel is starting to ask what we will be doing for her Bat Mitzvah and throwing suggestions our way – renting a nightclub and hiring PaulyD. from Jersey Shore to DJ it; hosting a spa day for her and all of her guests; and other ideas that only a young teen would suggest. We have planned an evening of dinner and dancing aboard a cruise ship that will cruise to the local islands where the party will continue both on the yacht and the beach. Rachel knows nothing of this; we have told her that she should concentrate on learning her Hebrew for the big day and to leave the reception to us, her parents.

I guess we have done a good job of convincing Rachel that she will not be getting a huge party, because she has started to whine and complain about how we are “the worst parents ever” and how she will be “completely humiliated” in front of all her friends when all she gets is a reception in the Temple hall. When my husband threatened to take even that away if she did not behave, she tried cajoling us by telling us how all of her friends have invited her to huge parties and that it would be rude not to reciprocate. Knowing as we do, her pleas are falling upon deaf ears.

This week it got back to my husband, through one of his business contacts, that Rachel has been bragging to her friends that we will be throwing her the “biggest bash” anyone has ever seen, that we are pulling out all the stops to make it the most memorable party ever. Since Rachel knows none of the details, we had to assume she was bluffing but we asked her anyway. She told us we now had to throw her such a party in order to save face and avoid embarrassment.

Tazi, my husband is livid! He is considering cancelling Rachel’s party altogether and going through with the small reception in the Temple hall that we have told her she will be having. We have tried so hard to instill humility into our daughter, but I do not think humiliating her will be the way to go about doing it. Thus far I have been able to convince my husband to think about his decision, but the final date to cancel and still get our (sizable) deposits back is coming soon and I do not think he has changed his mind.

I know this sounds silly but…well, during the Middle Ages cats saved our people from the plague by eating the rats and mice that infected others. [Ed. Note: The Judaic people kept cats as house-pets, which was uncommon at the time considering that cats were associated with witches and their craft]. My husband has a special affinity for cats, and he loves your comments, always saying you are a “klug ketsle” which means “clever kitty” in Yiddish. Can you think of a better way to teach our daughter the humility we so seek for her, and the understanding that the most important part of her Bat Mitzvah is not the party that follows?

Signed,

Shroyft

Dear Shroyft:

Thank you for the compliments and the faith you place in me to solve your problem! I will do my best to think of a solution that will work for everyone and save your daughter’s magnificent sounding party!

Rachel is at an age where young girls are becoming young women, and midst these changes come changes in attitudes. Girls take their insecurities out on each other, and constantly try to one-up each other to remain on top. It could be that Rachel’s friends were asking her what kind of party she will be having and she panicked. I would not be too hard on her – it can be very hard to remain humble when you are a teenage girl surrounded by angst; although she may not be acting humble on the outside, I am sure that your daughter is feeling plenty humbled on the inside.

Your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah is a huge event for both her and your family, so I suggest you make the celebration that follows about your faith and your family. At a wedding reception, the bride and groom spend an hour or two going to every table and thanking their guests for spending their special day with them, and spending a few minutes making each guest feel like a special part of the event; I suggest you have Rachel do the same at her party. This in and of itself will be an exercise in patience and humility, as well as a wonderful gesture to make your guests feel appreciated for attending, especially those who traveled a great distance to be there.

Although I am not Jewish, I am familiar with many of the traditions surrounding the faith, including tithing. I suggest you tell Rachel now that she will be donating 10% of her cash gifts received from her Bat Mitzvah. Tell her that she should start thinking about where she would like to donate it and why she has chosen that particular organization to receive her tithe. This can be a lesson in both humility, the traditions of your faith and the meanings behind the tithe. You could make this a part of her preparations for her Bat Mitzvah.

Leaving Rachel in the dark about whether or not she is going to have a large and splendid party – making her think that she will be having no party at all, in spite of her bragging – would be the road I would take. Once she realizes the pressure she is putting on you and her father is not working, she will probably start to do damage control among her friends as she tries to back away from her original statements – another lesson on the benefits of keeping a humble tongue in one’s keppelah.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How To Celebrate A 21st Birthday With "Style"?

Dear Tazi:

My 21^st birthday is approaching, and this is a big deal to me and I want to celebrate in style. My friends want to take me out for a night on the town, complete with a limousine to chauffeur us from place to place, but my parents (who I don’t live with!) are freaking out and demanding that I spend my “milestone birthday” with them and the rest of the family.

I understand that my parents are afraid I am going to get freaky drunk and do something stupid, but I don’t really like alcohol; I have tired it and it tastes gross. I do like to go dancing, and am very excited that I will finally be old enough to get into all of the good clubs, not just the 18+ ones where the staff watches you like an overprotective grandmother. I have tried to explain this to my parents, but they keep telling me that “It’s not you we are worried about; it’s everyone else!” They are afraid that I am going to end up in trouble because of my friends, and are insisting I spend my 21^st birthday at the country club with them for dinner and dancing. Tazi, the music they play there [stinks]. It’s all stuff for older people, nothing like the dance music I like.

I have told my parents that they can plan dinner at the club for another night, but they are insisting that I make my plans for another night. I have told them they can make whatever plans they want but I am going to do what I want and they can’t stop me. I realize that this makes me sound like a bratty little kid, but this is important to me and my friends. I am an adult and should be allowed to make my own decisions. The problem is that my decision leaves me feeling terrible, like I am disappointing my parents. How can I resolve this to make them happy while not selling out to them?

Signed,

Almost 21

Dear Almost 21:

Something you will discover (if you have not already) is that even though you are an adult and living on your own, you will always be your parents’ child. It is difficult for them to let you grow up because they love you and want to keep you safe, but also because they want to hold onto family traditions – such as celebrating milestone birthdays together.

Turning 21 is a milestone birthday in America because it signifies the next step into adulthood. When you turned 16, you earned driving privileges; when you turned 18, you earned voting privileges; now that you are 21, you are earning drinking privileges and the benefits that go along with them, such as entry to nightclubs where alcohol consumption is allowed. Within the past five years you have gone from someone who is completely dependent upon your parents to an independent adult. While it may seem like a long stretch to you, for your parents it feels like it happened almost overnight, and they are still adjusting to these changes.

While renting a limousine to take you from location to location is a wonderful birthday gift, the purpose behind it – so your friends can overindulge – concerns me. Reckless drinking is a dangerous habit to develop, and can lead to alcoholism in the long run and physical injury and sexual assault in the short run. It is not that your parents don’t trust you, but like they say they do not trust those around you. Being sober can help you keep your wits about you in an emergency, but being surrounded by drunken revelers like those who participate in “I’m Schmacked” events heighten the possibility of an emergency situation occurring. Your friends may be looking to use your 21^st birthday as an excuse to overindulge. With all of this in mind, I am going to suggest a compromise that should work for everyone:

Is this how you want to remember your special night?

(Here in the Northeast) nightclubs close at 2 AM or even later, so people do not start to show until 10 PM, and clubs do not start to fill up until 11 PM. This will give you plenty of time to have dinner with your family at the country club, have a dance or two with your Dad, accept birthday wishes from others who have seen you grow up, and then get to the club to go dancing with friends of your own age group. I suggest you have them pick you up at the country club; if your friends have been “pre-gaming” during this time they will most likely be fairly well intoxicated, giving you a preview of what your night with them will entail. At this point, you can decide to stay with your family and send your friends on alone or join them in their revelries. With any luck, your friends are sincere about wanting to celebrate with you, not because of you and will have stayed sober until the main event so you can all enjoy an evening of dancing.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

11 Years Old Is Too Young For A Sexy Halloween Costume!

Dear Tazi:

My daughter is eleven years old and has told me that she wants to dress up as Miley Cyrus for Halloween. A few years ago I would have been okay with this choice, but her behavior as a young adult has been scandalous. While I had no problem with “Maria” watching Miley as the wholesome Hannah Montana I caught highlights of her performance at some recent awards show and am horrified at how far she has fallen from grace!

I dodged my daughter’s request by suggesting she come up with a list of different costumes to wear for Halloween and we could go through them together to decide on the most practical costume for her. I live in the Midwest, and the weather can get a bit cold by the end of October – much too cold to wear what I saw Miss Cyrus wearing at that awards show! Maria rolled her eyes and said she wouldn't mind the cold, that this would be her last year trick-or-treating and she wanted a really cool costume. I told her to get working on her list!

Tazi, Maria and I have always made her Halloween costumes – an annual mother-daughter project. I am bittersweet that it will be ending, and I would like to keep my little girl an innocent girl for as long as I can. I know she is growing up and will soon be into “sexy” Halloween costumes, but eleven is much too young for this! How do I  get around this issue without coming off as an overbearing witch who refuses to allow my daughter even the smallest amount of freedom – like the freedom to choose her own Halloween costume?

Signed,

Wringing My Hands Over This:

Dear Wringing My Hands Over This:

Stop that, you’ll get wrinkles and old looking hands age a woman – just look at Madonna!

Note the red Kabbalah bracelet...

In fact, I want you to think back to when you were young; when Madonna was all the rage and all young girls (maybe even you) wanted to be just like her. How many of them grew up to be “boy toys” or “material girls”? Exactly. Your daughter’s idolization of Miley Cyrus may be upsetting, but it is just a phase – she is pushing the limits of the boundaries set forth for her; push back too hard and she will rebel, too gently and she will think she can get away with anything. I think you have struck a good balance in attempting to get her to consider other costume ideas.

Halloween used to be about having fun and stockpiling candy, but over the last several years “sexy” costumes have become all the rage – a “sexy piece of fruit” costume earned a “Throat Punch” around this time last year, which makes me wonder how far costume designers will go to come up with original ideas!

While you are assuming your eleven year old daughter wants to dress up like Sexy Miley, she may just want to throw on a Hannah Montana wig and go as a younger, more sanitized version of Miley Cyrus. You can hope for that and ask her if she wants to go shopping for a Hannah Montana wig for her Halloween costume; if Maria bucks at this idea, it is time for a sit-down conversation about why she wants to go out as Miley Cyrus and to what extreme she is planning on going. Eleven years old is not too young to feel peer pressure to look sexy; it is nauseatingly young, at least in my opinion, but it is not too young. Children – especially girls – grow up very fast in the age of media. It could be that Maria thinks a risqué costume will increase her popularity; do your best to convince her that some kinds of popularity are not worth the cost.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is It Ever OK To Announce Someone Else's Pregnancy To The World? (NO!)

Dear Tazi:

My mother tells me I have I have “egg on my face”, and while I admit that I made the biggest mistake of my life when I announced my sister’s pregnancy on Facebook before she had told our family and friends, I think my apology was good enough and that a second one is not required..

 “Jana” is not on Facebook, so I had no way of knowing that our family and close friends did not yet know, and I was excited to share my news that I was going to be an Auntie!

When Jana found out that I had let her “secret” leak, she was furious! She told me that it was her pregnancy and that she should be the one to announce it. Tazi, I realize this; I am not stupid! I waited a full week after Jana told me she was expecting before I posted the joyous news to myFacebook page. I figured that would be enough time for her to get the word out to everyone. How was I to know that she was keeping the news a secret until she reached 12 weeks? She didn't tell me this!

When I apologized to Jana and told her I did not know that she hadn't spread the word yet, she told me that I should have known not to say anything because she did tell me she was “only 8 weeks along”. I asked Jana what that had to do with anything and she told me, “Everybody knows you don’t announce a pregnancy to the world until you are at least 12 weeks along!” I have never heard of this superstition, and think it’s crazy that Jana should have expected me to keep quiet about the news for a whole month! If she didn't want anyone to know she was pregnant she should have kept the news to herself! Once you tell someone a “secret” it’s no longer a secret!

It has been a month since Jana and I have talked, and our Mom thinks I should try apologizing to Jana again – a “sincere” apology, as if my first one wasn't sincere enough! I think if Jana cannot accept my apology then that should be her problem, not mine. I am sure once the baby is born she’s going to want me to be there for her! Our mother says to stop being so petty and to extend the olive branch. Am I being petty? Because I certainly feel like the one owed an apology!

Signed,

Wronged Sister

Dear Wronged Sister:

A sincere apology should never, ever, under any circumstances contain the word “but”; invariably a lame excuse follows it, thus negating all sincerity and remorse expressed. To apologize is to acknowledge responsibility for a gaffe, not to try and explain it away.

I can fully understand why Jana was upset that you spread the word of her pregnancy. Nobody, but NOBODY, has the right to announce another couple’s pregnancy before them. Some would go as far to say that this privilege is exclusive to the one carrying the child, but I think a father-to-be should be allowed to tell people, too; after all, he had a part in making things happen! In the case of a lesbian relationship where one of the partners is carrying, the other partner should also be allowed to share the news. A grandparent-to-be, with permission, should be allowed to divulge the news to their friends that the parents-to-be do not socialize with but overall it is the parents’ news to share first – and foremost. Unless you have expressed permission to share the news, keep your lips zipped! Got it? Now go apologize to your sister for your boneheaded move using ONLY conciliatory words with no excuses for your slip.

This only works if you are of the feline persuasion 

Next, I would like to take a moment to clear your thinking about the “superstition” of waiting until the second trimester to announce a pregnancy. The vast majority of miscarriages occur within the first trimester, with the vast majority of those occurring within the first six weeks*. Many women prefer to wait until they have completed their first trimester before announcing the news of their pregnancy in order to avoid the need to share the news of a first trimester loss. I cannot even imagine having to announce something so personal and painful! Have I clearly illustrated your sister’s point of view? It has nothing to do with “superstition” (although some may say an early announcement may jinx them) and everything to do with personal privacy. While not “everyone” knows this you can now consider yourself schooled on the subject.

Snuggles,

Tazi

 *At this point the medical term for loss of a pregnancy is “spontaneous abortion”; the term miscarriage does not apply until the second trimester but I am not going to argue with those who use it sooner. I just clarify here so I don’t get jumped by those who are strict about interpreting the difference.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Values Money Over Love...Or Does She?

Dear Tazi:

I met my boyfriend “Charlie” through my best friend. He is her husband’s best friend since childhood. We met at a party and really hit it off and, because I assumed he ran in the same social circles as I, I readily agreed to see him again. I soon discovered that Charlie makes less money than I do – a lot less. It turns out that he only has a high school diploma, while I have an advanced degree.

When Charlie told me he had met my best friend’s husband “at school” I assumed he meant college or graduate school, not elementary school! Since we got along so well there was no way I could blow Charlie off without coming off as a snobby b—ch, so I acted like the difference in our earnings did not bother me and agreed to keep seeing him, figuring things would shortly fizzle.

It has been sixteen months and Charlie and I are still together. We have many of the same interests, which surprised me since my tastes tend to run towards the sophisticated, habits I picked up in college like wine tastings and theater. Charlie has been asking me about advancing our relationship. He would like to move in together, and since I own my own home and he rents it only makes sense for him to move in with me. Charlie would be a great homeowner; he is very handy around the house and can fix anything, and he enjoys landscaping and gardening. In fact, he has kept my yard looking exceptional ever since we started dating! I just can’t get past the money thing.

Charlie has offered to pay for half of my mortgage as well as half of the expenses, which will eat up about 75% of his paycheck but only around 30% of mine, should we split things this way. I know in my heart that this is not fair – that a relationship should be 50-50 – but I worked hard to earn my degrees without going into heavy debt and have continued to work hard to keep up my professional certifications. I am having a problem with the idea of parting with an additional 20% of my paycheck just so Charlie can keep more of his.

Do you think I will ever get past this problem with money? Do you think I should encourage Charlie to go to college and earn a degree? He seems pretty happy doing what he does (he assists a local contractor) and I would hate for him to take up a career he hates just for me. Was it a mistake to let things go this far? Should I just break up with him, even though I do love him?

Signed,

Uncertain In Carolina

Dear Uncertain In Carolina:

Which do you love more, Charlie or money? If the roles were reversed and Charlie made more than you, would you consider this to be a problem? Would you want to put in 50% of your paycheck while Charlie added 50% of his own to your shared finances? Would you prefer that you combine both paychecks and consider all monies household monies? If you can answer these questions truthfully, you will be on your way to knowing why you are having such problems with Charlie’s earning potential.

Quite honestly, you strike me as snobby. You discovered wine tastings and theater in college? My, you are so sophisticated! Most people discover wine while still in high school, while rummaging through Mom and Dad’s liquor cabinet in search for something to bring to a party, along with theater when they try out for the school play or are forced to read Shakespeare for their English class. While a higher level of education can expose a person to more “sophisticated” cultural offerings and a higher paycheck can make those offerings more attainable, such delights are not exclusive to the collegiate arena.

If you insist on reducing everything to money, I suggest you tally up the value of the services Charlie provides to your home. Landscaping and gardening? A landscaper will cost you a minimum of $25 a week to mow the lawn; gardening will go about the same but per hour, leaving you with at least a $200/month tab, if the lawn is mowed and the garden weeded on an alternating weekly schedule. A call to a handyman five times a year will go you another several hundred if not a few thousand in fees, barring any major catastrophes like a broken water heater or hurricane damage, which would put you much further into Charlie’s debt…let’s tack all of that onto Charlie’s financial worth and take it off of your own…are your salaries starting to line up yet, or do you need him to change the oil in and maintain your vehicle, too?

If you have a great relationship with someone, don’t try and put a monetary value on it. If in the end you still can’t see the value Charlie brings to your life (love, companionship, free lawn care), then you need to break up with him so he will be free to find a woman who deserves him. I feel sorry for you; you have a fortune right in front of you but cannot see his value.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

Dear Readers:

Were you aware that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Well, you are now; and I am here to make you even more aware of it with some fast facts about breast cancer – starting with the fact that the illness is not exclusive to women! Roughly 10% of breast cancer patients are men, which is one reason why the men out there should pay attention, too!

Twelve Facts To Help Make You More Aware 

Of Breast Cancer

1. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime

2. 85% of all people diagnosed with breast cancer have no family history of the disease

3. Although Black/African-American women have a lower incidence of breast cancer, they have a higher mortality rate. It has been shown that they are often afflicted with a faster spreading strain of the disease. Early detection can save lives!

4. The most significant risk factors for breast cancer are gender (being a woman) and age (the older you are, the higher your risk) – regardless of whether or not you are a smoker!

5. Breast cancer is second only to lung cancer among U.S. women who have died of cancer

6. There are almost three million survivors of breast cancer in the U.S. today, making them the largest group of all cancer survivors

In memory of Bridget J. "Birdie" Winiarski Dybala
October 30, 1921 - August 15, 1995

7. Almost 90% of breast cancers that are asymptomatic will be caught by mammograms and treated early, when recovery rate is the highest

8. Former First Lady Betty Ford was the first major American celebrity to come forward and talk about the disease, and worked as an advocate for funding of breast cancer research for more than 30 years

9. Although scientists do not know why, the left breast is more prone to cancerous tumors than the right – so give that sister a little extra attention during your monthly self-exam!

10. The United States has the most (reported) cases of breast cancer than anywhere else in the world

11. Nursing your babies (breastfeeding) can drastically reduce your chances of developing breast cancer

12. One in 40 women of Ashkenazi (Eastern European) Jewish descent carry the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene, the gene which mutates to cause many types of breast cancer. This is approximately 1000% higher than women in the general population, so if you are of Ashkenazi descent, you have all the more reason to do a monthly self-exam! It isn't dirty; it's medical!

So ladies (and gentlemen), pay attention to your bodies, your risk factors, and Maxine! Get checked!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reformed "Player" Wants To Show He Is A Changed Man

Dear Tazi:

Growing up I was the kid who always got picked last for team sports – if I got picked at all. If there was an extra person, I was the one left out so the teams would be even; sometimes the other kids would rather play a person short than have me on their team. I was that awkward, and it hurt.

After high school I moved away to go to college and discovered sports like track and cross country and cycling – sports that didn't require the ability to throw or hit a ball or coordinate with a teammate. I excelled at these sports and in no time at all my body changed from being awkward and gangly to physically fit and muscular. Girls started to take notice of me, and I am ashamed to say I started to act like a kid with free reign in the candy store. I know that some of these women were just looking for a good time, but there were others that really liked me and I must have hurt them with my less than honorable behavior.

While I have no problem at all returning to my hometown for holidays and school reunions – in fact, I love going back and showing off how awesome I now look – I am a little ashamed to go to my college homecomings, where I will see the people who only remember me as a jackass jock; that’s not who I am…at least, not deep down inside.

It has been ten years since I graduated college and I am now married and my wife is pushing to go to my college homecoming with me this year so she can see where I was a star athlete and meet all of my friends from college. “Kara” feels that she is somehow missing out on knowing who I am because she has never met anyone from my college years; she has been to my hometown with me many times, and knows I was an awkward child/teenager so now she wants to see where my “transformation” took place. I am afraid that Kara will discover what a player I was and be disappointed in me; I am also afraid that I will see some of the women I hurt and that they will react badly upon seeing me again and maybe even tell my wife about my past. I don’t want to keep secrets from Kara, so how do I get around all of this?

Signed,

Reformed

Dear Reformed:

I am so happy to hear that you got over your own awesomeness and can now see how hurtful your behavior was to women who were interested in who you were as a person and not for your awesome body. You say that you do not want to keep secrets from your wife but you have done just that for all this time; you have kept your past a secret from the one woman who should know all about you. I can see why Kara is pressing to attend your college homecoming.

For the sake of your wife, who does not deserve to hear the truth from someone else, I suggest you track down your old flames via Facebook or some other social media (perhaps your college has a class page) and apologize for the way you treated them all those years ago. Contrary to what the singer Timbaland says, it is never too late to apologize. Then, explain to your wife why you are so reluctant to attend your reunion. You do not have to go into all of the gory details; simply state that you were quite the ladies’ man in college, having spent your grade school years an unpopular dork, and that your behavior got a little out of hand. Tell her you would rather remain perfect in her eyes, so you have skimmed over the less honorable parts of your past and hope that she can forgive you for telling this lie of omission. Finally, ask her if she still wants to attend your college homecoming and honor her request if she says yes. I suggest you make your travel reservations as soon as you finish reading this – homecoming is on its way!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #59 - RIP Miss Jingles, Beloved Pet

Dear Readers:

It is rare that I step our from behind the curtain, so to speak, and write a column from the human point of view; this is, after all, Tazi’s Corner – a fact he frequently reminds me of with a glare so withering you have to be of the feline persuasion to actually accomplish it. It looks a little something like this:

As you can see from the title, my beloved pet mouse Miss Jingles (aka Jinxie, aka Jinx) passed on this week. She had been ill and oscillating between fading fast and bouncing back, as so many of us humans do when we face our terminal days. Around 5 AM Tuesday morning, Tazi let out a soft, mewling cry (unusual for him; he usually screams at that hour) and I knew that my “little Miss Jinx” was gone; Saint Francis had offered her his hand and she gently took it in her delicate paw, leaving behind her earthly shell as her spirit stepped onto a higher plane.

I know there are some who would argue that she was “just a mouse”, and even those who would argue that animals have no soul and therefore cannot go to Heaven, and probably more than a few who embrace atheism and believe that dead is dead…but I know those of you who believe like that are far outnumbered by animal lovers who have faith in the existence of the Rainbow Bridge that our pets are said to cross. Far before her time on earth expired, that was what Miss Jingles had become – a pet.

Miss Jingles. She hated having her picture taken.

Jingles came to me purely by accident. I was working my seasonal job at a state park, educating visitors about the ecology of land and ocean. One of the exhibits in my small office was a beautifully colored milk snake that was refusing to eat the crickets we tried to feed it, so my boss brought a feeder mouse back from the pet store – a little white one that, in spite of my disgust for small rodents, I thought was kind of cute. Regardless, and not without a little guilt, I released the mouse into the snake cage where she gleefully explored her surroundings – until she came face-to-face with the snake and tried to claw her way up the slick glass sides of the tank. As a Naturalist I understand that the snake needed to eat, but I was just far too tender-hearted to watch; I felt like I had just thrown Daniel into the lion’s den…

Like Daniel in the lion’s den, though, the snake did not eat the mouse. Since leaving the mouse in the tank was cruel to the mouse, and the unspoken reason for her being in there in the first place was making small children cry, the mouse was removed and put into a holding tank until the end of the day. The next morning I came into the office expecting to see that the mouse had been consumed only to discover that she had built a small nest in the snake tank, arranging grass blades and small twigs into a comfortable bed. The snake continued to ignore her, even as she climbed onto the rim of its water dish; took a long drink; and then commenced washing herself. My fellow Naturalist and I looked at each other and realized that we could not sacrifice this small creature to the snake, who was so obviously disinterested.

What could we do? The mouse had been bred to be fed, and had no ability to survive in the wild, so we could not release her into the park; and there was no way we could return her to the pet store to be sold as food to another snake – that would have been inhumane. So we kept her, caretakers to this little white rodent who much to our dismay was worming her way into our hearts. At the end of our season, when the weather got too cold to keep our unheated office open, the mouse – named Mr. Jingles, after the mouse in the Stephen King book The Green Mile and renamed Miss Jingles when we discovered she had no, ahem, jingly bits – came home with me. I was to be her caretaker, not her owner and certainly not her “Mommie”. I promised myself I was not going to get attached, considering the short lifespan of a mouse!

It’s amazing how animals make the transformation from random creatures that show up on our doorstep to beloved pets. When I brought Jingles home, she was no more than a cute, fuzzy attraction; a curiosity for Tazi, who went from high-fiving her through the class to sitting on top of her tank, jealous of any attention she might receive yet protective of his new friend. With the onset of winter, that tank made its way out of my basement office (it was cold down there) and into the family room upstairs, where my transformation from Caretaker to Mommie was complete. Jingles was no longer just a moral responsibility to me; she was officially a member of the family.

People who know me well know that although I am very outgoing and very spiritual I do not go through life with an open heart towards others. I am slow to trust and even slower to allow people into my inner circle because people can be cruel and the worst kind of people are people who are cruel because they derive some sick form of pleasure out of it. Sometimes it feels like schadenfreude is America’s favorite pastime. People will point and laugh when someone slips and falls, rather than run to their side to assist them; I read letters of others’ misfortunes and wonder how people can be so cruel…then I turn to Tazi and ask him why people cannot be more like pets.

It’s funny how we anthropomorphize our pets, giving them human characteristics and emotions and assuming we know what they are feeling…and I suppose I have received enough Paw Slaps of Disgust from Tazi to know that when I walk past his treat trough and fail to offer a small distribution that he actually is disgusted and angry with me for denying him the savory joy of a nom-nom.

So why do we treat our pets like humans, when it is other humans that cause our miseries? Because humans can also bring us joy and pets give to us the best that humans have to offer with none of the pain. I think the best thing about pets – and the reason Tazi is the face of this column and not me – is that we can trust them to keep our secrets. The dog will no sooner gossip about you behind your back than it would take your new sports car for a joyride and hope you don’t notice that small dent it put in the fender. We can trust our pets to be there for us, no matter how bad a day they have had. Have you ever seen a Labrador retriever in a bad mood?

Over the years I have had many pets – mostly dogs (Tazi is my second cat) and a few childhood fancies, like the pet bunny I got for Easter the year I turned seven or the squirrel that would knock on my front window in hopes of scoring a nut – and the loss of each has never failed to leave a large, gaping hole in my heart. In a way, pets are our children that never outgrow their need for us, never go through the wild, teenage years that make us wonder whatever happened to our sweet little child, never grow up to move away and marry someone that everyone else just knows is a mistake. For those of us who choose to be child-free our pets are our children, and while the loss of one cannot compare to the loss of a human child (nor would I ever compare the two), to lose a pet is to lose an important member of the family – perhaps the one family member that everyone loves best.

This past Tuesday morning Miss Jingles was returned to the park where I work, carried in the hollow of a toilet paper roll, the ends stuffed closed, which was always her favorite place and fashion to nap. It seemed appropriate; I couldn't bear the thought of her fur getting matted and dirty as I lay her in the earth. She was very meticulous about staying clean! As I look out of the door to my office, I can see the field where I placed her earthen vessel; a small boulder streaked with sparkling white quartz marks the spot, and is surrounded on three sides by full blooms of yellow flowers – daisies and seaside goldenrod, a stalk of which I broke off and planted above her remains.

As I walked away I caught myself singing the Hymn of St. Francis. A favorite of mine since childhood I finally understand its meaning; it is in giving of ourselves that we receive. I gave a piece of my heart to a little white mouse and in return received the joy that only unconditional love can bring. Rest in peace, Miss Jingles; you were the luckiest mouse that ever lived…and I was lucky to have had you in my life.

Thank you for listening, dear readers.

--KJM

Rest in peace, little lady...

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Control Freak" Mother Needs A New Hobby

Dear Tazi:

I love my Mom dearly, but she is the biggest control freak I know! I lived at home until I got engaged, and then I moved in with my fiancé (who is now my husband). Mom assumed that my years under her roof left me completely unprepared to run my own house, so she decided that she needed to teach me how to keep house. At first, I was grateful for the lessons in how to make a home run smoothly, but it has been five years and she still won’t let me run my own household!

Every time my Mom visits me, she feels the need to start rearranging my kitchen drawers “to make them more efficient”, refolding the bathroom towels “the right way”, and going through my pantry to “make sure everything is fresh and healthy”; she will throw out anything that is within six months of expiring and anything she feels is not healthy.  She is driving me NUTS!

If I tell Mom to sit down and relax, she will fidget like crazy – I can tell that she would much rather be reorganizing my laundry shelf than having tea with me. On days such as these mom does manage to control herself, but then a few days later I will come home from work to find that Mom has let herself in and has rearranged everything as she thinks it should look.

How can I get her to stop doing this? I organize my home in such a way that it works for me and my husband. It is not Mom’s way, but that doesn’t mean it is not the right way!

Signed,

Strangled by Apron Strings

Dear Strangled By Apron Strings:

I think your Mom needs a hobby. You lived at home well into adulthood, and I am guessing that you were the center of your mother’s attention for most of that time. Now that you are an adult who can care for herself, your Mom has a great deal of time on her hands and nothing to do with it; consequently, she is reverting to her old habit of taking care of you.

You do not mention if your mother is married, divorced, or widowed, but I am going to guess that your father is not in the picture – otherwise, she could focus all of her attention on him.  The next time that you and your Mom decide to get together for coffee, why not do so at a local coffee shop? I often see retirees and homemakers gathered at such places for coffee and conversation; it is quite possible that she will see someone she knows and be able to renew old friendships and even if she does not, she will be away from your pantry and linen closets!

To tackle the other half of your problem – your mother’s need to take care of you – I suggest that you keep her in the loop with whatever is going on in your life, and ask her opinion on various events – in your life, your community, and in the world. Your mom needs to feel both needed and valued, and asking her opinion is the best way to accomplish both. Once you have managed to keep some space between your personal areas and your Mom, you can work from there to make sure the changes stick. Suggest a class, a weekly event, or a volunteer project that can keep your mother occupied so her idle hands will not do devilish things to your home.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is She Really Bisexual, Or Just A "Thesbian"?

Dear Tazi:

My college age daughter just told me she is bisexual, but I am not sure if she really is or if she is a “thesbian”. My husband and I are very liberal, and have long been supporters of gay rights and equality for all. While neither of us has a problem with our daughter being bisexual, we are not certain that she actually is – we think she may be pretending in order to seem more attractive to men. Here’s the whole story:

“Brandi” came out by tweeting to all of her friends and followers that she is bisexual. While I realize times have changed and people are more accepting of homosexuality and bisexuality, my husband and I are from a time when people of alternative sexuality were beaten and killed simply for being who they truly are. I think of how Matthew Shepard was murdered for being gay, and I get upset when I think my daughter is making a mockery of his legacy.

When I told Brandi that she should take her sexuality a bit more seriously, that posting on Twitter is sure to give the wrong impression, she got angry with me and accused us of not accepting her for who she is. My husband stepped in and told her that was nonsense and that we looked forward to meeting her girlfriends. That was when Brandi rolled her eyes, gave us an, “Oh please” and said “It’s not like that.” She told us that she was still going to be dating men, but letting them know that she enjoyed being with women, too, and that if she found one she liked she may have to stray a little. She told us that she wants to eventually get married and have children, but for now she wants to “have fun” with her sexuality.

Tazi, can you see why I think Brandi is not truly bisexual, but is pretending to be to attract guys? She was never the type to date much in high school, and now that she is in college she is feeling left out as all of her friends start planning their weddings to their high school sweethearts. I am torn about talking to Brandi about her sexuality.  I just want her to know of the struggle generations before her went through to gain acceptance, and for her to appreciate the roads that were paved by others. I want her to really think about what she is doing, and I want to be sure she is not playing games at the expense of someone else’s sacrifice.

Signed,

Rainbow Mom

Dear Rainbow Mom:

I can understand your hesitance to accept your daughter’s bisexuality, considering the way she publicly announced it; however, times have changed quite a bit over the last few decades and people are both more aware and generally more accepting of same-sex relationships. October 6^th will mark 15 years since Matthew Shepard was killed. Perhaps you can sit down with Brandi and talk to her about him as a way to honor his memory, explain to Brandi why you feel as you do, and give her a chance to open up to you on a deeper level than what gets posted to her Twitter feed.

While there is a possibility that Brandi is using her sexuality to get attention from men, this poses the additional issue of what type of man she is hoping to attract, so let’s table that thought for a minute and assume that Brandi really and truly is bisexual. Does she have any kind of support services at her school where she can hang out and feel comfortable and safe? Has she made connections with others in the GLBQT community? Does she plan on having committed or open relationships, and does she understand the importance of protecting herself from STD’s and HIV/AIDS? Does she understand that her attitude could easily lead to being sexually abused by a domineering male partner? Essentially, you need to discuss with her all of the things you would discuss if she were straight, plus a few added questions. Your activism in the gay community should have put you in contact with dozens of people who will be willing to assist you in getting your points across to Brandi without sounding like you are condemning her; lean on them to help.

If it turns out that Brandi is a “thesbian”, as you call her, you will be able to address this issue after she understands that you love and accept her just as she is, but that her behavior is disrespectful to those who truly are bisexual. As with every civil rights movement, people have fought and died in the fight for acceptance; pretending to be bisexual in order to boost your own ego is despicable.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Virgin Shares Her Bed But Not Her Body, Much To Mother's Disbelief

Dear Tazi:

I was raised devoutly Christian and remain so as an adult. I have been blessed to meet a man who respects my beliefs, although he does not share all of them. “Manuel” and I have been dating for three years now, and due to financial difficulties we have decided to move in together. I think this is the right move for our relationship, because we would like to get married someday and I would like to make sure we are compatible as living-mates, as we are as live-mates.

Although we are renting a one-bedroom apartment, Manuel and I are not having sex. I am a virgin and am saving myself for marriage. Manuel respects me, although he admits it is frustrating to sleep in the same bed with me and not be able to consummate our relationship. I have taken to wearing long cotton and flannel night gowns to ease his tensions. My problem is my mother.

Mom does not believe that Manuel and I are maintaining our chastity. She has condemned me for “living in sin” and has told me she will not come to my wedding if I do not “rectify this abomination immediately”. I don’t think she would actually skip my wedding – my brother lived with his girlfriend and was having sex with her (I know because she was three months pregnant by the time their long-planned wedding date rolled around) and Mom still came to his wedding, even after threatening to disown him and calling his wife every name in the Book.

My problem isn’t my fear of losing my relationship with my Mom; it’s her belief that I have turned away from the teachings of my church and her belief that I am lying to her. How can I convince her that I am still the good girl she raised, and will remain that way until my wedding night?

Signed,

Saving Myself

Dear Saving Myself:

One of the downers of being an adult is needing to take responsibility for your actions. Another downer is cutting the apron strings when you would rather keep them firmly tied in place of the umbilical cord that once kept you attached to your mother. Your mother has accused you of lying; you know you are not. Why do you feel the need to prove to her that you are telling the truth when there is no way – short of a gynecological exam – to prove to her you are still her “good girl”? If your mother cannot take you at your word, this is her problem; you should not be making it yours.

I suggest you meet your Mom for coffee or for lunch or whatever you feel comfortable doing as you broach this subject with her. Tell your mother that you are disappointed with her. Explain that she raised you in faith, and that you continue to follow that faith; her accusations against you are hurtful and untrue. Tell her what you have told me: that you want to make sure that you and Manuel are as compatible as living-mates as you are as life-mates, and that living together not only accomplishes this end but also helps to save money, which you can put towards the wedding you hope to one day have.

One a somewhat related note, for the sake of Manuel’s mental health, your mother’s concerns, and general appearances, you might want to give up the double bed and invest in a set of twin beds (your mother may even want to assist with the cost). This compromise is not ideal, but compromises rarely are.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Vegetarian Clashes With In-Laws Over How To Raise Her Child

Dear Tazi:

I am a vegetarian (non-vegan) and a new Mom. My husband became a vegetarian before I met him, but was not raised a vegetarian as I was; his family still eats meat. I am not one of those sanctimonious vegetarians that everyone sees in the news and assumes that all vegetarians are like that. I eat a vegetarian diet because it is how I was raised and I believe in the health principles of a plant based diet. Numerous studies have shown that red meat is not a healthy choice, and most of the animal products farmed today are full of hormones, antibiotics, and other chemicals that are not good for our bodies. These are the reasons my parents went vegetarian, raised me vegetarian, and why my husband and I are raising our daughter vegetarian.

My mother-in-law, “Francine” cannot understand the value of a vegetarian diet and has accused us of “abusing” our baby daughter because we are not feeding her meat. I have tried to explain to her that as a newborn she should not be getting anything but breast milk and that once we start her on solid food she will eat a plant based diet – grains and veggies at first, and legumes when she is old enough. Francine insists that a child needs meat to grow up healthy and strong.

I have heard Francine’s rants before – all through my pregnancy, when she insisted I needed to eat meat “for the sake of the baby” – and I can turn a deaf ear to them, but she has crossed a line and I am not sure how to deal with it. Francine called child welfare services on me (making no mention of my husband, her son) to ask for a welfare check on my baby, claiming that I was abusing her! When child welfare arrived they obviously found nothing wrong. They refused to tell me who made the complaint, but I was able to figure out that it was Francine when they told me that someone complained that I was “starving” my child.

Hen my husband got home from his office that night, I told him what happened and although he was upset he said we had no proof that it was his Mom who called; it could have been one of his brothers, but yes it would have been at Francine’s bidding. I would like to approach my mother-in-law about this matter, but my husband would prefer to let it go, claiming no harm; no foul. What’s your impartial opinion?

Signed,

Feeling Fouled

Dear Feeling Fouled:

As offensive as Francine’s behavior was (and yes, I too believe that she was behind the complaint; if not directly than indirectly) there is not proof that she actually reported you to child services. However, if she did I am sure she is just dying to find out when it happened, what was said, and how you reacted to the visit. Don’t give her that satisfaction! By leaving her to wonder about the outcome she will undoubtedly find a way to bring up the subject, at which point you can thank her for her concern and explain that child services is 100% on your side. Try not to argue with Francine about this matter, but plainly state that her job as a grandmother is to love the child; the job of raising her belongs to you and your husband. As embarrassing as a visit from social services must have been, they now have it on record that your daughter is healthy and residing in a good home.

I can see how Francine’s heavy-handedness will be a problem down the road – if she is ever left alone with your daughter through mealtimes, I can easily see her presenting your girl with a hamburger or a piece of fried chicken and suggesting that she give it a try. If your daughter grows up to be like most children, she will immediately reply “I don’t like that!” to any unfamiliar food that is presented. As a vegetarian parent, I am sure you already know it will be up to you to teach your child about her special diet; until she is old enough to understand and recognize these parameters on her own you may want to limit Francine’s mealtime visits.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. NPR offers some great tips on raising a vegetarian child, starting with telling the pediatrician about it! 

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Termination Of Parental Rights Difficult, More So When Child Is Native American

Dear Tazi:

My eight year old daughter is the light of my life and I would do anything I can to make her happy – but I am stuck and don’t know what to do right now. “Amy’s” father walked out on us while I was eight months pregnant. My current husband, “Gerald”, is the only father Amy has ever known. Amy knows that he is not her “real” father but she calls Gerald “Daddy” and tells him that she wants him to be her “real Daddy”. Amy has friends who are adopted, and she has told us on several occasions that she wants Gerald to adopt her.

Gerald and I have always shielded Amy from the truth of why he has not legally adopted her, telling her that the legal process can be tricky and she needs to be old enough to tell the judge that this is her idea and that she will not be changing her mind when she gets a little older. Up until now, she has seemed satisfied with that explanation, but for the past few years, as her birthday approaches, she asks if she is old enough for Gerald to adopt her.

Tazi, the truth is that Amy’s father was a Native American Indian and his tribe has made quite a bit of wealth through casino gaming – wealth that comes to Amy through tribe-sponsored child support and eventually benefits that every adult member of the tribe receives, should she decide that tribal membership is what she wants; so far, she has had no involvement in her father’s culture. Because of the way the law works with Indian children, Gerald and I would have to petition the tribe for a release for Gerald to adopt her. If Amy’s birth father decides he wants to be a part of her life again, I will be forced to allow that to happen – even though he is a lazy drunkard who abandoned me while I was pregnant! Even if he does not want anything to do with Amy, she would lose a lot of financial benefits if Gerald were to adopt her – from the child support I now receive to vestment in the tribe.

While I admit the child support money is helpful, I would make do without it if that was all Amy stood to lose. I only want what is best for my daughter and the future that she currently has is perfectly secure, while her present home life is a happy one. How can I risk throwing that all away? How can I explain to her why I have decided as I have – to not let Gerald legally adopt Amy?

Signed,

Amy’s Mom

Dear Amy’s Mom:

If your decision was solely a financially motivated one my answer would be different than the one I am going to provide. A secure financial future is never a guarantee; casinos can and do fail, as many are in the current economy. If you can “make do” without your daughter’s child support your best move to provide her a secure financial future would be to save and invest that money on her behalf. So ends one part of your problem. Now to address the more complicated part: the legalities of terminating parental rights.

The termination of parental rights is difficult under mainstream circumstances, but your daughter’s direct Native American heritage invokes the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA 1978). I have no doubt that your daughter’s tribe is going to want a say in things, especially if her father lives on the reservation. I cannot say I disagree with this legislation.

The purpose of the ICWA is to ensure that Native American children are given the opportunity to be come culturally aware of their heritage and to participate in tribal customs and celebrations; to be taught history from the tribal point of view (which differs vastly from what you read in most history books); and to allow the child to maintain ties with his or her extended tribal family. Have you done any of this for Amy? Or have you simply erased all sense of anything having to do with her birth father?

I suggest that you contact your local Bureau of Indian Affairs and ask for an appointment to discuss your situation. At eight years old, Amy is at an age where she will have questions about who she is and where she came from (and I don’t mean that in a purely biological sense). When her birth father abandoned you, he also cut Amy off from any connection to her tribal family – aunts, uncles, cousins, and others who are a part of who she is. What is best for your daughter is not always the easiest path for you as a parent.

Explain to the Bureau representative that your child’s father (ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-lover…whatever he is) cut off all contact with you when you were eight months pregnant. Explain that he was an unemployed alcoholic and the habits he exhibited. You call him “a drunkard” which leads me to believe he was violent, as well. The Bureau of Indian Affairs should be willing to work with you on this matter to ensure that your daughter’s welfare is put first at all times. Although it is unusual for parental rights to be terminated by the tribe (who would have jurisdiction if your ex lives on tribal lands), arrangements can be made to protect your daughter.

Although Gerald may not be able to legally adopt Amy, there are things you can do as a family to make Amy feel like she is part of a complete circle. I suggest that you have your own, family-oriented “adoption ceremony” or, if you are religious, ask your clergy to bless you as a family in the eyes of your church or synagogue. Make the event special for Amy; something that she will always remember. It will be especially important to do this if Amy is to get involved with her tribal family. She needs to know that even though legal bonds can be dissolved, those tied with heartstrings can never be broken.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Roommate From Hell" Makes College Living Unbearable

Dear Tazi:

I just started my sophomore year of college and have been assigned the worst roommate ever. The guy is a disgusting slob. He leaves dirty sweat socks and underwear all over the place, he smells bad because he never showers, and he has got to weigh close to 400 pounds which makes him sweat like a pig. I am telling you, he is the roommate from Hell!

“Joe” and I live in the newly built dormitory on campus, and the place is state of the art so everyone wants to live in it. Upperclassmen get first choice but since so many of them move off campus into apartments a lottery is held among underclassmen for the remaining slots. This is how Joe and I got assigned as roommates.

This past summer I tore my ACL while playing soccer, so I need the bottom bunk in my room; there is just no way I am able to climb up to the top bunk. Joe refuses to take the top bunk, and I suppose that is a good thing considering his size, so he has separated the beds. This means that where there was once open space there is now a bed, making the room very, very crowded, even without a roommate that takes up a lot of space (with his stuff that he spreads everywhere; that wasn’t a crack on his size).

Joe is constantly snacking and leaves wrappers and dirty dishes and soda cans everywhere, so even though the school year just started and we live in a new residence hall, we got ants and had to have the place exterminated. Because it’s a shared room, we BOTH got written up for uncleanliness leading to room damage, so I have been docked my damage deposit. I am appealing this since it was Joe’s trash that attracted the bugs.

Last night was the final straw. It was early in the evening – only about 8:00 – when Joe flopped onto his bed and pulled out a [dirty magazine]. He started [masturbating] right in front of me! I was so freaked out and grossed out that I had to say something, to which he replied that if I didn’t like it I could leave. I ended up going to the library to read rather than hang around there, but I don’t think I should be driven from my own room because of this guy. When I got back to the room, he hadn’t completely cleaned up after himself – wadded up tissues were on the floor by his bed.

I would like to put in for a new roommate, but that means I will be the one who has to move, not Joe, and the other dorms on campus are not nearly as nice as the one I am in now – or rather, as nice as the one I am in now could be if I didn’t have to contend with Joe and his disgusting smells and habits. Everyone who has met him comments on how nasty he is, and wonders how I can put up with him. Tazi, can you think of any way I can get rid of this guy while keeping my dorm room?

Signed,

Wanting To Eat My Cake And Have It, Too

P.S. I used to tease my girlfriend about how much she “would love to have a problem worthy of print” for your column; now I have one all my own!

Dear Wanting To Eat My Cake And Have It, Too:

Where do I start? I am so excited that you phrased that old expression properly – because it is possible to have your cake and then eat it, but once you eat your cake you cannot still have it! I am also flattered that your girlfriend loves my column so much that she wants to be a part of it – thank her for me, for her loyal readership! I would argue that your teasing has earned you your predicament, but no one deserves such living conditions, so I will just sit here and appreciate the irony of your situation…mmmmmm, irony! It’s like cake for the snarky in me!

Your problem, although disgusting and extreme, is not exclusive to you. A lot of people have problems with roommates who have lower standards of cleanliness than they. Joe’s personal hygiene (or rather, lack thereof) and his personal habits cross the line between difference of personal preference into outright abuse. You should not be forced to move out of your residence hall because of this abuse.

Is he as bad as this?

If you have not done so already, I suggest you follow up on your appeal of the damage assessment of your room and tell the powers that be that Joe is the one who caused the damage and that he refuses to change his habits. Invariably, another call to the exterminator will be needed if he keeps up with his casual housekeeping and it may be possible to have him evicted for it. However, you need to document the situation. Take pictures of your room – if you can, while Joe is sitting there surrounded by his own filth – as proof of who is doing the damage.

Joe’s personal habits are a little less easy to bring under control. You cannot force a person to shower, but you might be able to report him to one of the Resident Assistant’s for his masturbating in front of you; this is a form of indecent exposure. You should not be forced to leave your room because of his behavior; if you can bring yourself to report it to an RA the next time it occurs, you can mention that it is not the first time this has happened. RA’s are trained to deal with all sorts of uncomfortable situations, and this will be further documentation of his casual and careless treatment of your shared space. Again, with any luck, Joe will be evicted from the dormitory. If eviction does not occur by the end of the semester, you may have to resign yourself to moving into a new room, and possibly into a new residence hall. It would be the lesser of two evils.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.