Work-From-Home Mom SHOCKED At What Other Mother Did!

Dear Tazi:

I am a full-time professional who happens to work from home. I am not a freelancer, but a telecommuter so I cannot make my own hours; I work within a set of parameters that allow for flexibility, but I still have to put in a full day of work and meet all of my deadlines – I must put in eight documented (although not necessarily consecutively worked) hours between the hours of 7 AM – 10 PM. This wonderful arrangement has allowed me to work full-time and be there for my children before and after school, and for my husband to work as a long-haul trucker during the week. So what is my problem?

Because I am home during the day, people assume that I can take time out to have coffee; go shopping; run errands for them; and generally be the after-school dumping ground for all of their children. While I have absolutely no issue with chaperoning field trips or a play date on a rotating schedule, running to the store for a friend who is ill, or even breaking for coffee with a friend I cannot maintain such a schedule on a daily basis; doing so would result in me working from 7 AM – 10 PM every day just to complete my requisite 8 hour days and to meet all of my deadlines.

I have brought this matter up at the monthly PTA meeting at school, and most of the Moms understand, but there are a few who feel that I am being a “princess”, claiming that their work day starts before 7 AM as they get the kids off to school and ends well after 10 PM as they try to get all of their house chores done. I finally snapped and told them that it is not my problem that their husbands refuse to help out around the house! This elicited a few laughs, a few cold stares, and few silent treatments – nothing I cannot handle. So long as they take it out on me and not my children, I am fine.

Long letter short (too late! Feel free to edit it!) one mother has taken it upon herself to have her child come over my house every day after school. The first few times it happened I thought my son had invited a friend home without asking, and I let it slide. The third time it happened I sat him down and told him that he cannot have his friend over to play every day; that Mommy has “Mommy things” that need to be done, and that he needs to ask me if it is okay to bring a friend home. I thought he was simply trying to avoid punishment when he told me that his friend’s Mom told her child to come over my house after school and play until she gets home from work. I lectured my son about lying and asked him if he would like to tell me the truth, but he insisted that he was telling the truth. I asked his friend about this, and his friend confirmed that this is what his mother had instructed.

Thinking that the children were playing a joke on me, I called the boy’s mother and asked if she knew that her son had been coming to my house after school all week; she replied yes, she knew, and that she had instructed him to do it since I was the one parent she knew would be home during the after school hours, and that I needed to learn to pull my load if I wanted our children to remain friends. Tazi, I was flabbergasted! I was actually flabbergasted!

This woman basically told me that unless I provide her with free after-school child care my son can no longer play with her son. My son loves playing with his friend, and as I have said I don’t mind chaperoning a play date on a rotating or even a reciprocal schedule, but this is ridiculous! I am not comfortable transporting another person’s child in my car, so I can forget about running errands with my child during after-school hours; nor am I comfortable leaving the children unattended while I work in my office (much of what I do involves translation and transcription, so I have headphones on the entire time). What in the world should I do????

Signed,

Flabbergasted

Dear Flabbergasted:

I, too, am flabbergasted at this woman’s nerve! My usual sangfroid has been pierced by her use of her child as a tool to blackmail you. A Paw slap of Disgust for her, and not the kinder, gentler paw slap – claws out on this one!

If your son is able to play with his friend at school – during recess, lunch, physical education – or at a mutual friend’s home, then you may have to curb their friendship to these events only, if having the boy over every day and providing free child-care is the only way to have him over your house.

One way around this evil woman’s demands is to sign your son up for some after-school activities – sports, arts and crafts, marital arts, whatever sparks his interest. Such activities usually meet one to two days a week, so signing him up for two activities will be plenty to fill his after-school time. Your son’s school or your local community center probably offers such opportunities at affordable prices. Once your son’s after-school time is booked, there is no reason for his friend to come over your house. Inform this friend’s mother of that fact, and let her know that she will need to find an alternate source of child-care on the days your son is not home.

If she continues to instruct your son to go to your house after school, call your local community police office (there should be a non-emergency number in the phone book) and explain that the woman has instructed her child to go to your house; your son is not home and you do not wish to take the child into your care for the afternoon; and that there is nobody home at his house. The law officer will take it from there. While this action is extreme, it will be what is necessary to make this woman take responsibility for her child and to stop taking advantage of you. I can guarantee you that once is all it will take to make her stop.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adopted Child Discovers Who She Is, Fears Rejection From Family

Dear Tazi:

I was adopted as a baby, and with my family’s encouragement I decided to look for my birth parents now that I am an adult, getting married, and planning on starting a family of my own. There are questions I need answered, and the only way to get them was to look for my birth family. Well, I found them, and they were overjoyed to meet me. There is just one problem – my parentage is of mixed race, and my adoptive family is terribly racist, so I have not told them that I have found and met with my birth parents.

My birth mother is very light-skinned, and probably at least half-white considering her features (which I have quite obviously inherited), but is still black just the same; my birth-father is quite obviously black. They were just teenagers when I was born and decided to put me up for adoption so I would have a better life than they could offer me. Meeting them – and knowing that I am black and not olive-skinned – has set me on ear. Although I do not consider myself to be racist (I do have black friends, and they don’t seem to think I am a racist) I have grown up my whole life hearing how black people are lazy, poor, and the kind who take no responsibility for their actions. After leaving my birth parents home, all I could hear was my adoptive father’s words ringing in my ears about how [black people] go and have kids without any ways to support them and expect the state to care for their “mistakes”. I felt sick to my stomach thinking that, in my adoptive father’s eyes, I am a “mistake”.

I want desperately for my birth family to be a part of my life and to introduce them to my adoptive family, but I can’t see how that would ever happen. I want to invite my birth parents – and my birth brothers and sister – to my wedding next year, but how do I do that? My adoptive family will find out that I am actually black and completely reject me, I just know it. I don’t want to deny my birth family or keep them a secret, but I can’t see my adoptive family welcoming them with open arms. Or me, once they know who I really am. How can I resolve this situation? My fiancé knows, and he is fine with everything; he has said he can’t wait to meet my birth family and is being very supportive of me. I feel like I am going to have to trade one family for the other.

Signed,

Passing…Without Even Knowing It

Dear Passing…Without Even Knowing It:

Your letter is one of the most heart-wrenching letters I have ever received, and the most difficult I have ever had to answer. My heart goes out to you, and I will pray that your adoptive family members are able to overcome their prejudices and accept your birth family into your life and theirs.

Racism is an ugly, ugly trait that can be difficult to overcome – not only for the victims of it, but for those who hold such beliefs that they are somehow superior to others. While I cannot see your adoptive family rejecting you – and I am sure they will be full of excuses as to why you are an “exception” because you are their daughter – it is going to take a great deal of time and understanding on the part of both families before any sort of true acceptance can take place.

The sooner you tell your adoptive parents that you have found your birth parents the better. By keeping them a secret your adoptive parents may think that you are ashamed of your birth parents (considering the way your adoptive parents believe) and you will need to correct them of any such notion. Sit down with your adoptive parents and tell them the truth – that you have found your adoptive family, met with them, and that they are wonderful people who chose to place you for adoption because they were young and unable to give you the kind of life they wanted for you. Tell your adoptive parents that your birth parents are grateful that you were raised to be such a competent, caring adult and that you had a wonderful childhood with all the things that they hoped adoption would provide. Add any other sentiments you feel are appropriate or that you feel need to be said. Then, add that there is just one thing that you know will be of a bother to your adoptive parents, but that you would like them to work on getting past it for your sake, and explain to your adoptive parents that you are not olive skinned, but black. Your adoptive parents may already know this, but if they don’t it is a good way to reveal that, “quite obviously”, your birth parents are also black.

People with strongly held views tend to make exceptions for those they love; I hope that your adoptive parents will be willing to see past their racist views and look at the situation through the eyes of love. Explain to them that you want your birth parents – and your birth siblings – to be a part of your life, and that you will be working on developing a relationship with them, and that you plan on inviting them to your wedding. Be prepared for objections from your adoptive parents, but be firm in telling them that any rejection of your birth family is a rejection of you. Remind them that your birth parents are your blood, a phrase that tends to diffuse resentments and build loyalties.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that bridges can be built between both sets of your parents. Although I doubt they will change their racist views, perhaps your adoptive parents can learn to judge people on a case by case basis. This is all we can ever ask of anyone. Please write back and let me (and my readers) know how things go.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It's Tazi's Second Anniversary! Let's Celebrate!

Dear Readers,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your loyalty over the past two years! It has been a wonderful, bumpy, amazing ride here at Ask Tazi! but I would not have it any other way! Another year has rolled by and this "two week" experimental project is reaching greater and greater heights! For all of you who have shared, re-posted, and forwarded my columns, thank you! Word of mouth is the only way my column travels, and it is closing in on 100,000 lifetime page views. While that is only a drop in the bucket compared to the big, viral blogs out there I am proud that my part-time, barely marketed gig with no merchandising whatsoever (hi, Grumpy Cat!) has done so well!

In honor of my anniversary, I am presenting my Top 5 favorite letters (well, six; I have a two-fer in there)  and/or columns of the year - I hope your favorites are among them! In fact, I am pretty sure they are, since they did so well the first time they were published. Share the love!

...and my web address!

In this first letter, an elderly woman was upset that someone's dog was sharing the love by pooping in her yard! This letter hit home with a lot of people. How about the solutions offered?

Neighbor's Yard Is Not The Place To DropYour Dog's Droppings

I indulged my ego, and you dear readers indulged me! This one was a very popular piece!

Tazi's Corner #14 - Ten Fast Facts About Cats!

Mother-in-Law letters are common, but this one just about broke my heart...although the visual images I was left with made me want to scrub my brain with lye soap!

Mother-In-Law Wants Grandchildren ASAP, 

Reacts Badly To News Of Infertility

Dating is complicated (my lady friend recently left me for another cat!!) and these letters discuss one aspect of relationships: dealbreakers. What are your dealbreakers?

Should Lack Of Intelligence Be A "Deal Breaker"?

Superficial Reasons For Break-Ups Could Point To A Deeper Issue

I re-posted this one while I was on vacation, in honor of my Mommie's graduation from the University of Rhode Island - summa cum laude, with her degree in Gender and Women's Studies

One Need Not Be A Woman To Study Women's Studies

Do you have a favorite letter? Request it in the Comments section of today's column or tweet me @TaziKat and I will re-run it for you! Got a problem of your own that you would like me to discuss? Email me at tazikat@yahoo.com or through the form provided on my site!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Insecure Wife Thinks Husband Is Crushing On Another Woman

Dear Tazi:

My husband is in love with another woman. He denies it, but I see the way he looks at her in church and I know that he drives the long way home just so he can drive past her house (my friends have seen him); he says it is because there is less traffic on that route.

“Melanie” is blonde, curvy, and the perfect height for my husband. She has never had children so she has been able to keep her weight down and her figure looking fabulous because she also has time to go to the gym. She has a glamorous job as a bartender for a popular, upscale dining club and she drives a cute little sports car. She is also ten years younger than me and looks ten years younger than that! I on the other hand am taller than my husband, which I know he hates even though he says he’s fine with it; I am a plus-size woman because I was never able to lose the weight I gained after I had my son; I drive an aging minivan; and work in an office. I suppose I could be described as frumpy, especially when compared to Melanie. Why wouldn’t my husband fall for her? “Deek” only married me because I threatened to leave him and take our son (who was a newborn) with me.

Deek and I were only dating a short time when I got pregnant, and I was so in love I was thought I had enough love for the both of us to make our marriage work. The first few years were a stressful adjustment, but I brushed off those stresses as anything newlyweds with a new baby would experience. By the time my son reached school age I knew my marriage was not working, but by that time Deek was taking classes towards a professional certificate and could not afford to leave me. I thought if we could wait it out we could work things out.

When my son turned six, Deek decided it was time for us to start going to church and for our son to receive his sacraments. Deek was a churchgoer growing up but I never was; however, I let him take our son every week hoping Deek would see how far I was willing to go to make him happy. I did not go to my son’s First Communion because I was sick that day, but I could see how disappointed he was so I promised not to miss his confirmation when he turned sixteen. Well, that was a few months ago and after seeing Melanie in the congregation I had my suspicions as to why my husband like church so much!

I decided to start going to Sunday mass with Deek and our son, and they both seemed happy that I would be joining them. I’ve been going all summer now and I see how Deek looks at Melanie. The worst part is when she comes up to me after the mass to say hello and ask how I am doing. I know it is just an excuse to talk to Deek! That woman will take him any way she can! She even had the nerve to offer us a gift certificate to the dinner club where she works as a wedding anniversary present! She said she thought we might like an evening of dinner and dancing, but I know she is just trying to sneak in some time with Deek! I just know it! Why else would she offer? (She claims that she gets one a month to do with what she’s like, and that she was so glad to finally meet me after all these years that she wanted to do something nice for me! Ha!). Deek would like to use the gift certificate, but I told him my thoughts on the whole matter and he told me I am being crazy.

Tazi, can you think of a way that I can prove Deek is cheating on me with Melanie? It may only be an affair of the heart, but that is how these things start – then the next thing you know I will be in divorce court! I am betting that Deek is just waiting for our son to turn 18 so he doesn’t have to pay child support! I am heartbroken over this, and want to save my marriage, but how can I compete with Melanie?

Signed,

Brokenhearted In New England

Dear Brokenhearted In New England:

I am going to say this in the nicest way a kitty cat knows how, which is to say I am going to be blunt: You need to talk to a professional counselor about your low self-esteem issues. You need to learn to trust your husband when he tells you he is not in love with Melanie. You need to ask yourself this very important question: Has Melanie ever expressed the slightest romantic interest in your husband, or is she in a happily committed relationship of her own?

While your marriage may not have had the most fairy-tale beginning that does not mean that it cannot have its own version of and they lived happily ever after. Please stop comparing yourself to Melanie; you do not know what her life is like and it is possible that she envies you – not for your husband, specifically, but for the lovely life you have – a husband, a son, a minivan, and a womanly figure that proudly bears the marks of motherhood. I know of many young women who have struggled with infertility and would gladly give up their “fabulous” figures in return for a child. Melanie may very well be one of these women. You cannot know what another person’s life is like until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Happily Ever After rarely is...

Since your husband and son seemed genuinely happy that you would be joining them for church services, take them at their word and continue to go if this is something you enjoy. After services, try to approach Melanie on your own and get to know her independent of your husband; she may very well  be looking to make friends and be hoping for your acceptance – which could be why she gave you such a nice anniversary present!

Last of all, I would like to say that there is a big difference between having an innocent crush on someone and being in love with that person. It is possible that your husband has a crush on Melanie. Haven’t you ever noticed how good-looking another man is? This does not mean that you are ready to throw away your marriage and commit your life to this man; it just means that you are human and have an appreciation for a pretty face and a charming personality. This, too, shall pass, I am sure, leaving you wondering why you were so upset in the first place.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi’s Corner #57 – Home vs. Schooling

Dear Readers: 

I recently had the uncapitulated joy of clinging to my Mommie as she left for work. There was a bad thunderstorm going on and, as any pet owner knows, we four-legged children do not do well with loud noises. Like it or not, Mommie was stuck with me as I dug my claws into her shirt and accompanied her to her workplace, a local park (she does ecological stuff). I soon regretted this decision.

Lacking my Tazi Sack I had nowhere to snuggle up for a long day of napping and was forced to hide under the desk on the cold, concrete floor. I was treated to a view of feet and the sounds of screaming children who apparently had never been taught how to behave in public. This brings me to the subject of today’s column: Just how much should schools be required to teach and what should parents be responsible for teaching?

I love my Tazi Sack!

Once upon a time, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and my Mommie was just a schoolgirl children were taught proper behaviors – good table manners, how to behave in public, respect for elders (even if they were not your parent), and other ideals that are no longer as fashionable. These habits were taught at home by parents and grandparents; by the time a child was school-age they knew enough not to bite the other children; that hitting an animal is in bad form; that chewing with your mouth open is rude; and that when you enter someone else’s house you obey their house rules, even if they differ from your own. Perhaps most importantly it was taught that when the adult in charge tells you to do something, you do it; that they have a reason for needing things done the way they have asked them to be done and that the child is not to talk back to authority; that is the job of the parent, should they feel that their child was treated unfairly. Are such lessons still being taught in the majority of U.S. households today?

During my short visit to the workplace I witnessed primary school-age children (ages 5 – 10) acting like heathens! When my Mommie requested that they use their “inside voices” while inside her small office; the children ignored her. When she implored the parents to control their children, the parents would respond with some variation of “they’re just excited”. Hmm…so you are telling me that excitement is an excuse for prolonged poor behavior? I can’t wait to let the dog know that! Does this mean you will excuse him when he pees all over your rugs because he is so excited to see you? I didn't think so.

Like animals, children need to be socialized. They need to be taught that what is acceptable behavior for the home may not be acceptable behavior outside of the home. For example, stripping naked and running around in the buff may fly in the privacy of your living room but few will smile if your toddler does that in the middle of Sunday church services. Allowing your child to scream and “express” him or her self in whatever manner they choose may fly at the family dinner table, but I can assure you most restaurant diners – especially those who have worked hard to get their children to behave in a more socially acceptable manner – do not have the same appreciation for a child’s loud and repetitive rendition of the chorus to “Kiss Him Goodbye”. This observation begs the question: at what age should children be expected to behave in a civil manner?

True story: The kid would not...stop...singing it!

I have met children as young as three who understand that please and thank you are appropriate ways of showing respect for someone who has done them a kindness, and children as old as ten whose parents feel that such rules are a little too grown-up for their child, and that when the time comes he or she will learn it at school from watching their classmates or by following their teacher’s example. Just how much are our schools expected to teach? What is the appropriate age that society in general should expect a child to understand the basic principles of good manners?

I come into contact with a lot of teachers, from both near and far, because for some reasons teachers like me I am a quiet and well-behaved cat (most of the time) who enjoys a good snuggle (most of the time; other times I just tolerate it). Some of these teachers have gladly shared with me the following horror stories to print (on the condition that their names and locations remain anonymous) so you, dear readers, can see just how much some parents expect teachers to teach and/or tolerate:

A second grader who thought it was okay to swear at the teacher because he was allowed to swear at home. (The child’s parents were trying to break him of the habit and were hoping ignoring it would make it go away).

A third grader who jumped on his desk while the teacher had his back turned (he was writing on the blackboard) and then proceeded to jump the teacher because “Daddy and I play like this at home”.  I blame the parents for the teacher’s injuries.

A fifth grader who told his teacher she was “smokin’ hot”. When sent to the principal’s office, he said that his parents always taught him it was “healthy” to express his emotions and not to keep them bottled up.

A child who insisted on calling her teacher by her first name, instead of “Mrs. Smith” because her parents thought the teacher’s (real) last name was too hard for their child to pronounce. (In their defense, they suggested the child call the teacher “Mrs. [Last Initial]” or “Miss [First Name]” but the kid decided to abbreviate even that because that’s what she calls her “aunties who aren’t real aunties” and the teacher was not an auntie of any kind).

And finally, there is my personal, all-time favorite…

A first grader who was not yet potty-trained because her parents didn't want to “rush” her and believed that she would train when she was ready. The teacher noticed a nasty smell emanating from the student and when she asked the child what it was she replied, “My diaper. I did poops. Will you change me?” (The teacher sent the child to the school nurse, who called the child’s parents and received the aforementioned explanation. And no, the child is not autistic).

I think we can all agree that the line is drawn here; toilet-training belongs at home, not elementary school.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Responsible Teenager...Is Still A Teenager!

Dear Tazi:

I am 18 years old and I have worked since I was 16; part-time during the school year and full-time during vacations. I work as a waitress at a very popular diner, and because I work hard to turn my tables and keep a pleasant personality with all of my customers I earn quite a bit of money in tips (especially from my regulars). Now that I have finished high school I have decided to attend college part-time while I try to figure out what I want to do with my life and work full-time at the diner. I truly love waitressing, but I know that I cannot make it my life’s work. I think I would like to one day own my own diner; my boss says that he cannot do it forever, and his kids don’t want to take over the business so maybe someday I will. Again, I am not certain that I want to do this, but I am taking a class in business and a class in basic accounting at the local campus of my state college while I think things through. My Mom is okay with all of this, so long as I continue my education. You are probably wondering why I am writing to you!

I have almost $30,000 cash saved from work (I told you I do well with tips!) and I would like to buy a new truck. My Mom is flipping out over the idea of putting all my money into a vehicle, but I do not want to take a loan. Because of my age I have no credit history so I would be paying a high interest rate. Mom can’t co-sign because she is not creditworthy (her divorce left her credit in the dumpster a few years ago and she hasn’t completely rebuilt it yet). I pay rent and board every month (have been since I started working), and continue to live at home in order to help out my Mom and I have never missed a payment. This is my money that I have earned through my own hard work, and I think I should be able to spend it as I want, so long as I am responsible with it. It’s not like I am taking it to the riverboat casino and gambling it away!

My Mom has always been good to me, but I am an adult now and I think I should have some say in my own financial matters. Her Mom, my Granny, has taken my side and told Mom that she can’t control me forever, but that just made Mom angry; she doesn't get along very well with Granny. Mom suggested I ask someone impartial for advice and she agreed to “seriously consider” their opinion. I know I could take the money and buy a truck without her leave, but she is my Mom and I would like to respect her. We both love cats, so I have decided to ask you for your impartial opinion.

Signed,

Truck Girl

Dear Truck Girl:

You sound like a very mature and responsible young woman and I admire the respect you have for your mother. It can be very hard for a Mom to let go and to allow her child to grow up, and buying a vehicle – and paying cash for it – is a very grown up decision. You have managed to save quite a bit of money in a very short time. This represents a great deal of hard work and sacrifice on your part, as well as a financial safety net for the future. I can understand why your mother would want you to save some of it for emergencies, but I can also understand why you do not want to pay high finances charges due to your age and a lack of credit history. I am going to suggest a compromise:

Put 50% of the cost down in cash and finance the remainder over 24 – 36 months (the optimal amount of time for the lowest finance charges). In order to establish initial credit, apply for a credit card in your name only and use it to pay for things you would normally pay for with cash. Pay off the balance in its entirety at the end of every month. This way you are building a credit history and avoiding finance charges. After five or six months you will have enough of a credit history to bring your interest rate down to a reasonable level. Check out various financing offers through Lendingtree.com or any other clearinghouse that will send your information to multiple banks that will compete for your business (due to credit reform legislation, inquiries will not affect your credit rating). This compromise will allow you to build a solid credit history just in case you need a bank loan sometime down the road because you want to buy your own diner! It will also leave you with money in the bank to pay for emergencies or even allow you to support yourself should you decide to go to school full-time.

I know waiting to buy your dream truck is not what you would prefer to do, but February is a notoriously slow month for auto sales, so it is a good time to get a good price on a car or a truck, especially since manufacturers are usually offering cash back rebates to the customer and bonus money to the dealer for each sale made; the combination of these two incentives can save you a good chunk of money on a truck!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Twentysomething Virgin Wants A Good Man, Is Willing To Wait

Dear Tazi:

Am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? I am in my mid-twenties and still a virgin, not because of any particular religious beliefs but because I have never had a serious relationship and I respect myself way too much to have a one night stand. I do think that sex should be something special between two people, and I don’t have a timeline for when it should happen, but I would like my first time – and ideally every other time – to be with someone who is special to me; someone who cares about me and isn’t just looking for a hook up.

I have always put my education first, and now that I have finished both my undergraduate and graduate degrees (with honors) I find myself traveling frequently for work, which makes it difficult to meet someone for a relationship. I have tried online dating, but it seems like every guy I meet is only interested in one thing – a regular hook up first while waiting to see where things might end up. At least these guys were honest and up front with me from the start, so they never made it past the first few dates. Some guys even pushed for sex sooner than that, like on the first date or even while we were still just emailing each other!

I have been seeing “Dennis” for about a month now, and he has been quite patient with me in spite of his constant hints and occasional pushy behavior. I am not ready for a physical relationship with him, but I want to somehow let him know that it is not him, it’s me – without sounding like a cheap line people use to let someone down easy. I would like to tell Dennis that I have never had sex before, but I am not sure how he will take it. I don’t want to scare him away, but I also don’t want him to see me as some kind of trophy. I especially don’t want him to think this means I want a serious, committed relationship with him for “X” amount of time until I am ready because I am not even sure that is what I want with him, and I don’t want to lead him on. Should I even tell him about my “status” or keep it to myself? I am really confused about this, and need some good advice!

Signed,

Wondering In New Orleans

Dear Wondering In New Orleans:

You are a smart lady to think of your future first; some of the most successful women in America today have done just what you are doing – putting education and career first, boys second. Your views on sex are your own and I do not think them weird, nor do I think there is anything wrong with you; you are well-balanced between strict, traditional/religious beliefs and more modern/extremely liberal views on the subject. I think that when you meet the right person, you will be ready and that you should not rush into something because someone has pressured you for sex or promised a commitment that you don’t even want in return for it.

As for how you should deal with Dennis…having lost my nads at a very young age I have to hit up my guy pals for their opinions, and they have informed me that there are three different types of reactions you can expect from a guy when you tell him you are a virgin:

The first – and preferable reaction – is the good man’s reaction. He will tell you that he understands, and is willing to wait for you. He will ask you to be patient with him – that if he pushes you it is because he is so attracted to you, and not to take it personally; just tell him that you are not ready and he will continue to wait until you are…and if you feel that point will never come, to please be honest with him about your feelings.

The second reaction is the “runner”. Some men don’t know how to handle this kind of news and freak out, never to be heard from again. While it can be hurtful and embarrassing be glad that he left; someone with so little emotional maturity would not make a very good romantic partner, so count your lucky stars and move on.

The third – and worst reaction – is the guy who responds as if bedding you is some kind of challenge, your virginity a trophy in praise of his manhood. This is the guy who will say he will be patient and understanding but immediately starts formulating his plans to seduce you. If you find he is suddenly plying you with over the top romantic gestures and copious amounts of alcohol, be on the alert; this man is trying to scam you!

It can be difficult to figure how a man will react to this news, especially if you have only recently started dating, so my buddies offered a few suggestions, ranging from not saying anything at all until you are certain where the relationship is going to texting him the information, to having a conversation about the matter over coffee. I suggest you choose the path that you are most comfortable with, prepare yourself for the worst and then hope for the best.

Always remember that it can take time to find the right person – you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince – and that giving yourself away may result in more dates but that doesn’t mean that any of them will be with the kind of man you can see yourself with long-term. Quality over quantity is what I always say!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Freshman Feels Pushed To Study What Parents Want

Dear Tazi:

I started college this summer because my parents wanted me to get a jump on my degree, so while I was finishing my senior year of high school I was also enrolled in college writing and college math. It made for a pretty boring summer, and I only got a little over a month off before I had to get ready to start classes again. My parents want me to major in History so I can go to law school and eventually join my father’s firm. While I don’t mind the idea of being a lawyer, I don’t want to study History. Or Political Science. Or any other Pre-Law program for that matter. I want to study Psychology and Criminology and learn why criminals commit crimes. I like the idea of being a Prosecutor and working for the District Attorney, and maybe even running for Attorney General someday. My ultimate goal in life is to be a judge, and I can’t see that happening if I go into Corporate law at my father’s firm.

I know that I could make a lot more money working for my father’s firm than I could working for the state, but I have grown up surrounded by money and privilege and don’t enjoy it too much. I like doing simple things like fishing, camping, and hunting. I have worked as a file clerk for my father for two summers now (yeah, in addition to my classes) so I have had some exposure to what it is like to work in his firm and one of the things it requires is very long hours, seven days a week. There would be no time for recreation if I went to work for him

I have some money set aside from my grandparents (my Mom’s parents) that they left me when they died, so I can pay for my own schooling if my parents threaten to cut me off for not studying History. This is not why I am afraid of telling them my plans for my future. My father’s law firm was founded by my great-grandpa (his grandpa) and tradition is big where I come from, and even bigger than is normal for these parts in my family. I don’t want to be the person who ends that tradition. I also don’t want to live a life that will make me miserable, either. I feel like either way I lose. Can you think of a solution, Tazi Kat?

Signed,

Confused And On The Cusp Of Manhood

Dear Confused And on The Cusp Of Manhood:

I assume you are 18 years old or just about, so don’t worry too much about being confused, and don’t worry about what to tell your parents just yet. Many college students end up studying something different from what they intended to study when they first started. You will not be required to actually declare a major until your junior year, so I suggest for now you concentrate on taking a variety of courses that interest you – be they in History, Political Science, Criminology, or Psychology. Many of these courses will double as general education credits, so you will be working towards your degree requirements while you explore all of your options.

The important thing to do is to keep your parents in the loop regarding your interest in your studies. No parent wants to be kept in the dark only to discover upon graduation that their child will not be going to graduate school because they changed their major to art (true story!). The great thing about law school is that you can do your undergraduate work in almost any field; History and Political science just happen to be two of the most common choices. Once your parents catch on that your interests fall outside these traditional subjects you can look for your opening to discuss your future plans – which by then may be completely different than what they are now.

Be prepared to handle your parents expected disappointment in a mature manner. You do not need to rely on their money to pay for your education, so there is no reason to flip out on them if they threaten to cut you off financially. Explain to them that the family legacy is important to you, and that your goal is to bring honor to that legacy; holding elected position or even a judgeship is no small accomplishment! You may even be surprised to learn that your father will understand that Corporate law is not what interests you, and that he will be willing to work with you to go in your own direction, working on cases that don’t dovetail into his firm’s main area of concern but that concern some of his more important clients. Remember that you will need to work internships while an undergraduate and as a law student, so try not to burn the bridges that exist between you and your father. All any parent wants for their child is happiness and success; try and work with your parents to achieve both while standing firm to your own principles. Consider it a preview of your life’s work to come.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi’s Corner # 56 – Fair Wages For Fair Work

Dear Readers: 

As I write this the big news is fast-food workers asking for $15/hour and striking to get it. Perhaps it will be outdated in a week (which is when it will print) but for now it is dirtying my litterbox, to coin a phrase, and I want to discuss it!

If you recall my last column, Tazi’s Corner #55 – Potential vs. Practice (A Labor Day Lesson) – you know my feelings on political subjects; I don’t like to get involved in them. This issue, however, does not strike me as political but rather as ethical – work ethical, to put it succinctly.

There are reasons low-skill, low wage jobs exist. Simply put, it is because there is a need for them. These jobs, however, are in high demand because the under-educated and unskilled are not in demand for other jobs, creating one market for a large number of people, from teenagers to former homemakers who are looking for a little extra money. The laws of supply and demand state that when you have more workers than you do jobs, the terms are not all that friendly towards labor. Minimum wage is, as comedian Chris Rock once said, an insult. It basically tells an employee “if I could legally pay you less, I would”. While I agree that the minimum wage should be increased to match the rate of inflation, I do not believe it should outstrip the value of the job.

In all sincerity, I do not think a job flipping burgers at McDonald’s is worth more than double the current minimum wage. The position is not on par with being the grill chef at a fine dining establishment, nor does it require a degree from Culinary School. Low wage, unskilled jobs should be a starting point in one’s working life, an inspiration to train for something better, not a lifetime career choice. Corporations like McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Donuts (among others) actually have college scholarship programs for their employees, as well as training opportunities for promotions to management, all of which can lead to better paying positions that pay the living wage people are seeking (which is pretty low for a teenager living with Mom and Dad) and that require a fair workload to earning ratio. This brings me to my next point: Executive pay.

Once upon a time CEO’s and other executives made, on average, 40x what the average worker made; now that number is approximately 400x what the average worker makes, when you include perks like bonuses and stock options. (Before he retired, former Disney CEO Michael Eisner was making more per second than his park workers made per hour. Disney Corporation is leading the charge against hiking the Federal minimum wage, claiming it is unaffordable for their business and would hurt their stockholders. How is this defensible?).

Now I realize that bonuses and stocks are not guaranteed, that bonuses can be rescinded and stocks can lose money and that accepting them in lieu of cash is a gamble; but when your base pay is more than enough to live a life of extreme comfort that risk is a low one. Moreover, if it were a high risk option, why would so many executives gladly accept such compensation packages? These men and women did get where they are by taking risks, but not by taking stupid risks; rather, calculated risks that stood a good chance of paying a good dividend. Whether it was working unpaid overtime as an entry-level worker or accepting a promotion that meant frequent travel (and thus time away from family) these risks had a good chance of paying off in the near future and the sacrifices made were worthy of the rewards received. In short, the risk of losing money on these variable compensations is low, while the chance of gain is quite high.

That being said, why not offer these options to all employees of publicly traded corporations – from entry level to executive? Stock can be offered in lieu of a pay raise, keeping workers at the minimum wage but with a small share of the company and quarterly dividends paid or reinvested for more stock. Another way to accomplish this would be through a small, weekly payroll deduction taken each week and put towards the employee price per share of company stock, in addition to a pay raise sufficient to bring minimum wage up to what it should be to remain steady with inflation. In a short time, dividends received will more than cover the weekly deduction and “McJobs” would suddenly be a more attractive employment option that would offer a living wage for those willing to invest in their future.

Whether a company realizes it or not, human resources are their most important resources. Without employees, a company cannot run; happier employees mean more productive, more loyal workers (as Costco discovered when it raised its hourly wage to $11.50/hour and actually saved money in the long run due to lower employee turnover). Employees must remember that a high paying job is a privilege, not a right. A person has the right to be paid the minimum wage that is set by the government and a right to not be discriminated against on the basis of age, sexual orientation, gender, religious affiliation, or creed. Note that educational level, lack of skills and work ethics are not among the protected characteristics; it is up to the employee to make the changes that will make them a more valued employee. Prove yourself to be irreplaceable and you will find your value reflected in your paycheck – if not with your current employer than with one who realizes your worth. Strike over a demand for grossly inflated pay and all you will see is a day’s wages lost.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. CLICK HERE to read about a bill that supports limiting the amount of tax deductions businesses can take for bloated CEO pay (thus reducing taxpayer subsidies.) It is sponsored by Rhode Island's U.S. Senator Jack Reed (D) and Connecticut U.S. Senator Richard Blumenthal. Then, think about it: Your charitable giving deductions are limited. Your medical expense deductions are limited. Why are businesses not limited for their "operating expenses"?

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

You Are Never Too Old To Give Up On A Life's Ambition

Dear Tazi:

I am 77 years old, but I like to think of myself as a young 77. My husband of 60 years recently passed away after a long illness, and I find my days quite empty without him. My children and grandchildren are all grown, so I have no responsibilities to others to tie me down during the day, which is why I am thinking of doing something I have always dreamed of doing since I was a little girl: taking ballet lessons.

I grew up poor and married young, and the children soon followed – six of them, in all, and five that lived to adulthood. I saw every one of them through college, and helped to raise my grandchildren, as well, all of who are now professionals. I would like to chase my dream now that I have the time, but I am wondering if the time for that has passed. Am I being a foolish old woman or do you think I have the right to follow my dream?

Signed,

Nana Suzie

Dear Nana Suzie:

So long as you are in good enough physical shape to learn the movements of ballet, I cannot think of a single reason why you should not don some slippers and a tutu and pas de chat until your heart is contented! I suggest that you check with your local YMCA or community/senior center to look into beginner classes for adults. You may even be able to find classes designed specifically for senior citizens.

If you cannot find any available classes, ask if the studio would be willing to start offering classes for adult/senior beginners. It has been said that for every one person who asks a question there are ten others who are interested in the answer; that would make for eleven people who would be interested in a senior’s ballet class!

Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams, Nana Suzie! You have more than earned the right to do it!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When One Partner Wants Children And The Other Does Not...

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now, and he wants to get engaged. We never seriously discussed the future (we are both 20) and I thought this was something we should do before talking about getting married. We are pretty compatible, but we have one major issue that we cannot seem to overcome: children. He wants them; I can’t stand the thought of being a parent.

I was raised by a wonderful foster family from the age of 10 to the age of 15 because my parents were deemed to be unfit. I wasn't physically abused; in fact, my parents never touched me – ever. I was never hugged, never tucked into bed, never received any kind of physical affection. When I turned 15 my older sister – who had just finished college a year early – legally adopted me and I have been with her ever since. We had the same upbringing, and she always makes sure I know that I am a worthwhile person and that our parents (who were drug addicts, which is why they lost custody of us) loved us, but that they had a bad addiction that made them want drugs more than our company. My sister is planning her wedding right now, and she wants to have a big family. I am happy for her, and look forward to having nephews and nieces. I mention all of this so you can see the whole picture and know that I am a well-adjusted adult who simply does not want to have children.

My boyfriend is insisting that my past has “tainted” me and that with counseling I can “overcome” my fear of being a parent. Tazi, I am not afraid of being a parent; I simply do not want to be a parent! “Jerry” says that this is a deal-breaker for him, and that we may as well break up now than go through the process of pretending that things are going to work between us. While I do not want to break up, I am not going to change my mind. I tell Jerry thing, and he suggests that maybe I will change my mind and that he will give me some time to think things through. A week will go by and he will bring up the subject again, and I will tell him that I have not changed my mind or considered counseling.

I am getting pretty sick of Jerry’s attitude and am thinking of breaking up with him on principle. I feel like he is trying to control my future and make my decisions for me. I know I will be perfectly miserable without him at first, but that as time passes I will get over it. I am not so sure I can say the same thing about staying and having children just to please him. I don’t want to burden my sister with this, since she is busy with wedding plans of her own, and my foster family is super religious so I know what they will say – that God’s mission for a woman is to marry and bear her husband’s children, something I obviously don’t agree with on many points. What do you think, little kitty? Got any insight for me? A big snuggle right back at you if you do!

Signed,

Young But Mature

Dear Young But Mature:

The decision to have or not have children is an extremely personal one, and each person’s reasons are unique to them. Might you change your mind as you get older? It is a possibility, but not one that anyone should build their future around, least of all your current boyfriend. Jerry needs to respect you for the woman you are today, not as the woman he hopes you will one day become.

I know people (men and women) who have had children because their spouse wanted them, while they would have preferred to remain child-free. In general, the parent who did not want children shows tolerance for them, but that is a far cry from joy; they love their children, but they do not like them or enjoy their presence. If you know now that you do not want children I recommend that you take precautions to ensure that you will not have them; just refrain from anything with permanence (tubal ligation, hysterectomy). This way, on the off chance that you do change your mind, your options will remain. Once you reach a certain age – say, 30 – more permanent solutions would be reasonable to consider. I say this because I have also met people who swore that they did not want children only to change their minds as they got a little older. Until then, you should discuss long-term birth control methods with your doctor, most of which have an effectiveness rate of greater than 99.99%. While there is an excellent chance that you will not change your mind, women who have followed this path have told me they are glad that they did.

As for your dealings with Jerry…you are both young and while that is not a guarantee of a break-up it does mean that the two of you will continue to grow and change as you experience life as independent adults. There is no guarantee that you will grow together as opposed to grow apart, as you are currently discovering. You are right to stand up for yourself and not let Jerry bully you into questioning your feelings on parenthood or any other subject upon which you disagree. It is obvious from his repeated ultimatums (we should break up/I will give you another week to think about it) that Jerry does not want to break up with you, so it seems to me that you will have to be the one to end things. Be strong and remember that a break does not always mean a break up; it just means that you need some time apart from each other to figure out some things that need figuring.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Naughty Nurse Wants To Trade Costume For A Real Uniform

Dear Tazi:

I am 35 years old, and a former teenage mother. My boyfriend was much older than me and took off when he learned I was pregnant. My daughter is now grown and on her own, and I would like to go to college – a dream that never came true because I was busy raising my child.

I have done well in life because my parents made me finish high school, but then they were killed in a car accident when I was just 18 and my daughter 3, so I was forced to take a full-time job and put school on hold after only a few weeks of college. I cannot say I am proud of all of the jobs I have held, but they were all legal and they paid the bills and put food on the table. Yes, I worked in the adult entertainment business. Now that I am getting older I would like to have a more solid foundation – I am currently working as a cocktail waitress at a gentleman’s club, but I overheard some men saying I am “a bit long in the tooth” for such a job and I have realized that I am going to need a college education or some kind of specialized training and move on with my life.

I have always dreamed of being a nurse, and would like to go back to school for nursing. I have always been good at science and math, and my work background has taught me to be able to stand up for myself while being polite at the same time. My fear isn’t going back to school; my fear is that my past will come back to haunt me and that nobody will want to hire me. I suppose I could move to a new area where nobody knows me, but I would still have to put down my past employment on a job application. Am I just dreaming, or do you think I could one day be a real nurse?

Signed,

A Naughty Nurse

Dear A Naughty Nurse:

There is a reason the past is called the past – because it is over and done with and left behind. I have checked with the officials at my state’s community college and they have informed me that as long as you do not have a criminal record there is nothing standing in the way of you becoming a nurse should you pass all of the required coursework and your licensing exam.

Nursing school is a tough road to travel, as any nurse can tell you, but it is also a worthwhile journey. Once your prerequisite classes are completed (courses like Chemistry, Anatomy and Physiology, General Psychology, etc.) you will be required to leave your full-time job to concentrate 100% of your time on your Nursing classes. Yes, Nursing School is that intense! Students who succeed in Nursing School know this, and bank money wile completing their preliminary classes so they don’t have to live off of student loans while completing their Nursing classes. This is the best advice I can offer you on how to prepare for Nursing School.

Time to trade this...

for this!
(and the respect that goes along with it!)

You are smart to show concern about your employment history, so I suggest that you work to stand-out in your academic studies. A straight-A student can be forgiven a lot of personal peccadilloes and be allowed a fresh start at life. You have done what you needed to do to raise your daughter, and there is no shame in that. Hold your head high as you enter the next chapter of your life.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Is It Time To Stop Enabling A Person's Failure?

Dear Tazi:

I am the eldest of three children; two girls and a boy. My brother was the youngest child and I say “was” because he is no longer a child but a 40 year old man. His entire life he has acted outlandishly in an attempt to be the center of attention. Being the only boy, this may have happened in a white, two-parent family but we are black and were raised by a single Mom, and that means our experience was much different than the one Norman Rockwell presented.

Our Mom never babied any of us. She told us that in order to be successful a black person must try twice as hard as a white person and only expect to get half as far. We witnessed how hard she worked to become a successful businesswoman and my sister and I never gave her any more trouble than can be expected of two girls, and tried to give her a lot less than that. We helped out around the house without being asked because we knew that was what was expected of us and did our best in school because Mom always told us that an education is the key that will open any door. Mom is full of aphorisms like that, but through the years my sister and I have discovered the truth in them and have both managed to build solid middle class lives – maybe even upper-middle class, by some standards! My brother is another story. The man is a complete train wreck.

“Darnell” had a difficult childhood but he brought it upon himself by always trying to one-up everyone. His constant need for attention got on people’s nerves, and our Mom – who wouldn’t stand for it – would often punish him for his bad behaviors; a slap of the wrist (literally) for interrupting someone when they were talking to teach him to wait his turn, a spanking for behavior that posed a danger to himself. My sister and I both received the same punishments and learned from them, but Darnell whined that he was being singled out because “Mama likes girls better”. To this day Darnell cannot see that it is his own behavior that has kept him from experiencing success and he continues to blame our mother – and now our sister and me – for his life’s failings.

Darnell graduated high school with high hopes of becoming an actor because he wanted a stage and an audience for his antics, but discovered that most theatre production companies require that you study acting in order to compete with those who have. Darnell went to college to study theatre and dropped out – three separate times, all for reasons unrelated to things he can control (of course!). He blamed producers for not casting him, calling them racist (even though other minority actors were cast); he blamed the school for cutting off his financial aid (even though he was failing his classes); and this last time he blamed the family for “not being supportive” of his goals, claiming the disappointment he felt about us missing an opening night was enough to send him into a spiraling depression. Tazi, our Mom was in the hospital recovering from an attack of gall stones! We wanted to be by her side and were very upset with Darnell for not asking his understudy to cover for him. From our point of view the spotlight was more important to him than his own mother!

This past summer, Darnell decided that he needed to move clear across the country to Hollywood to immerse himself in the acting business. He cut me, my sister, and our Mom out of his life for discouraging this move, since he had no job waiting for him and no savings to live off of until then, but then called us when he needed money for car repairs. My Mom sent him the money in hopes that he would start talking to her again, but once the check was cashed he shut us out again.

Darnell keeps in touch with my nephew, and my nephew has told us he is worried about Darnell. He was living in his car and showering at a local homeless shelter while he looks for work, but he recently had to sell his car so now he is living in the homeless shelter, too, and saying that the experience will make him a better actor. He is claiming that it will help him to become the next Samuel L. Jackson! He doesn’t seem to realize that Samuel L. Jackson is still working quite steadily and that producers can call Mr. Jackson’s agent if they are looking for him!

Darnell has never been good at holding down a regular job, and has had more jobs than years of life so I can only imagine what his employment history must look like on paper. I am very worried about my brother and would like to ask him to come home, but I am afraid if I do that I will be on the hook for his care (since I was the one who encouraged him to come home). While I don’t mind helping him get back on his feet after this latest failure I do not want to have him living with me until success comes along, At 40 years old I think it is time to give up the dream and grow up!

I have talked to my sister about things, and she says you just have to let Darnell sleep in the bed he has made; that any attempt at helping him will backfire and you will be accused of not believing in him. I am considering writing to him to invite him home for Thanksgiving, and even offer to pay his airfare if he books it now while prices are still low. I figure once he is here maybe he won’t go back…but then I am afraid I will be stuck with him in my guest room. Before he moved, Mom was stuck with him in her basement. Now that she finally has her house back, I can’t put her through that again. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and need an outside opinion.

Signed,

Loving Sister Or Enabling Sister?

Dear Loving Sister Or Enabling Sister?:

You can be both, you know; it isn’t an either/or situation; in fact it is because you love your brother that you seek to enable him…just not at such close range that he would actually be living with you. You mention that you and your sister took to heart your mother’s words and worked hard in school and in life to find success. This had to be a difficult task, especially since the reality of your mother’s words reflects a bitter and awkward truth in a society that likes to claim it is color blind. Could it be that these words did not inspire your brother but rather angered him? It can be difficult to find success in life when your viewpoint is colored (was that a pun?) by wrath. With every perceived slight, with every failure to accomplish his dream, your brother’s life has slipped further and further down a slope that he seeks to climb.

For purposes of length and respect for your brother’s privacy, I had to edit a lot of the details you shared but in each anecdote – as in the ones I did print – you fail to see your brother’s viewpoint. While I think he comes off as self-centered (it is rude to interrupt someone, and he could not expect your family to abandon your mother’s side while she was hospitalized) you must understand that the life of an actor is not a traditional lifestyle. Opening night is a huge deal for anyone involved in a show; to send on his understudy could have been a career-killing move in a career that is already on life support.

While I think Darnell made a hasty move by moving across the country without having any way of supporting himself, it is his life to live – not yours. Maybe this is something he needed to so for himself, and maybe the reason he cut you out of his life is because he is tired of the discouragement that he received from you, your sister, and your Mom. While it was generous of your Mom to come through for him with money for car repairs, it is not up to you to fix the dynamic between them.

If you want to see your brother for Thanksgiving, then I suggest you invite him; offer to pay his way only if he refuses on the basis of transportation costs because to do otherwise might insult him. Now that your brother has had the chance to live on his own with nobody to offer him support (financial or in-kind offers like a place to live) perhaps he will better understand the importance of following through with what is required of him – acting classes, if not a degree in theater; a polite demeanor that attracts people, as well as the ability to listen; and acceptance of the fact that not all dreams are meant to become realities. I know many actors, writers, and artists who have settled down into lucrative, paying careers who continue to do community theater and freelance work on the side. You should bring this up to him only if he talks about the trouble he is having finding work as a successful actor.

If Darnell talks about wanting to move home, let him talk and offer your opinion only if he asks for it; this way, you cannot be accused of discouraging his dreams. Suggest that he make a plan on how to make it happen first, and even offer to help him structure that plan – work, community contacts, a professional agent, etc; strike a balance between his goals and the reality that currently is.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. Last week marked the 50^th anniversary of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s historical “I Have A Dream” speech, which echoed sentiments expressed by the Black Sociologist W.E.B. DuBois in his book, The Souls of Black Folk (1903), "sometime, somewhere, men will judge men by their souls and not by their skins" (I mention this here because he is all but forgotten!). How far we have come towards attaining the goals expressed by Drs. DuBois and King (and countless others) I cannot say; I can only say that all peoples, regardless of color, must continue to strive towards the goal of equality for all, so that someday no mother will have to teach her child to expect less success for more effort!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Neighbor Gets Snubbed For Being Single

Dear Tazi:

I am 40 years old and have finally accomplished my dream of owning my own home! I have saved and invested since I was 18, and when the right house in the right neighborhood went up for sale I was able to purchase it with only a small mortgage. I have never married and have no children, which made it a little easier to save, but now I am questioning if I did the right thing (buying in this neighborhood, not avoiding marriage and motherhood).

The neighborhood I live in is a pleasant mix of old and young. I spent my first few months settling in and organizing, and only had the opportunity to meet my next door neighbors on either side of me – both older, retired couples whose children have moved out of state. This week, while weeding the front yard garden, I saw a woman about my age walking by with three children. I said hello and this is how the remainder of the conversation went:

Woman: Do I know you?

Me: No, I just moved into the neighborhood a few months ago. I’m “Cassie”

Woman: Oh. I didn't think I recognized you from the playground.

Me: Playground?

Woman: Yes, that’s where all of the Moms take their kids to go play.

Me: Well, that explains why you have not seen me there! I don’t have any children; but if that is where all the women of the neighborhood gather I will have to come down and say hello!

Woman: That’s probably not a good idea. You don’t seem to have anything in common with us.

Me: Really? Why do you say that? I am sure we all have lots in common!

Woman: Yes, but you don’t have children.

Me: Is that a problem?

Woman (looking at me like I am stupid): You wouldn't understand; you aren't a Mom. You probably work during the day, too, right?

Me: Yes, how else would I support myself?

Woman: You have no husband, either?

Me: No, I am single and a home-owner. Is that so unusual?

Woman (eyeing me suspiciously): Yes. I have to go now.

She then hurried off, corralling her children (who were playing tag) and yanking them down the street muttering to them.

I didn't know what else to say, so I finished gardening and asked one of my next door neighbors if everyone was so unfriendly. They told me they did not know; that they did not really associate with the younger people on our street. They then invited me to join them for their card night, a sweet offer but I would really like to make friends with people my own age!

I am considering putting together a nice goodie basket – fresh fruit, chocolates, muffins, bottled water, etc. – and taking a walk down to the playground to see for myself if the rest of the younger neighbors are just as stand-offish and unwelcoming as this other woman was. Do you think this is a good idea? Should I have a house party instead? I just want to feel at home in my new neighborhood!

Signed,

“Cassie”

Dear “Cassie”:

A house party would require parents of young children to hire a babysitter, so this idea – while well intended – may further alienate you from your younger neighbors. I do, however, love your idea of a playground goodie basket! You could announce yourself with a friendly wave and a jovial “Hello! I’m Cassie! I’m new to the neighborhood, and I hear this is where all the young, hip people hang out!”

Speaking of young and hip, I am a young and hip cat! Can I come with you? Who can resist a sweet little kitty in a goodie basket?

No autographs, please...well, okay; maybe just a few...

The woman you met may be the possessive, insecure type who is afraid that her friends will all want to play with the new girl and not her. I know this sounds like fourth-grade playground antics, but some people never grow up. While she may have a point (or two, which I will get to in a moment) her delivery of them was poor. There was no excuse for her absolute rudeness. A Paw Slap to her!

And a mean paw slap at that!

Before you go to the playground with your cornucopia of yum-yums, try to remember that among married women, an unmarried (or divorced or widowed) woman can sometimes be seen as a threat – especially if she is pretty and the other woman’s marriage is not all that stable. It is stupid and petty, I know, but humans can be territorial, just like any other animal. You may discover that these Moms are rather cliquish and do not have room in their circle for someone who does not have children. If they are Overachieving Moms who like to brag they may not have time for a woman who does not have children. After all, how can they boost their egos by tearing down yours when they can’t guilt you about how you don’t spend enough time making precious memories with your kids when you don’t have any? [Ed. Note: Not all OA Moms are like this…].

There may also be some pretty cool Moms there who would LOVE to have a normal, adult-centered conversation; one that does not revolve around toilet training, the latest cold making the rounds, and the best way to get Play-Doh out of a shag carpet. One thing is for certain, you will not find out anything for sure until you make the effort to get to know the people in your neighborhood. Jump in without expectations; this way you can be pleasantly surprised if you discover your neighbors are warm and friendly and avert disappointment if they are not. I wish you luck and much happiness in your new home!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi’s Corner #55 – Potential vs. Practice (A Labor Day Lesson)

Dear Readers:

I am   not a very political kitty, nor do I intend to become so; the purpose of this feature is not to judge, but to observe. However, I DO keep up on the political goings-on of state and country (I am an astute kitty!) and one thing I have observed is how dreadfully partisan politics has become. Why just this morning I was reading the Editorials over my Mommie’s shoulder when I read that a minority faction of the GOP (I will let you guess which one) has suggested a government shutdown in order to prevent the Affordable Health Care Act (aka Obamacare) from being put into practice. This idea is Plan B, since almost 40 Congressional votes to repeal the act have been taken and gone down in flames. Now, I could rail about how Congress has more important things to do than take symbolic votes that they know will fail in order to curry favor with wealthy donors rather than do the actual work that is required to keep this country moving, but I won’t. Instead, I decided to look at the bigger picture and ask:

Are they crazy? How far up their butts are their heads that they can’t see how this plan would harm the average American? I’m a cat, and even I can see how this would affect me: Since the USDA is not considered an “essential service” food inspections would have to stop until the government started up again. Am I the only one who remembers the rash of animal deaths from infected pet chow? Do you trust your food provider to keep the strictest of standards without government oversight or do you think a government shutdown might prove a good reason to go back to growing your own food? (Locovores, feel free to chime in on this in the comments section on the validity of potential vs. practice on this concept). Now to my title point:

I often hear how someone will like (or dislike) something when it is merely an idea – something potential – but will rail against it (or champion the cause for it) one it has been put into practice. A relevant example would be Mitt Romney’s views on Mass Health and the mandatory health insurance act that he helped to pass in the state of Massachusetts when he was governor there, but now denounces as something bad. This program is the very program upon which “Obamacare” is based, and it seems to be working quite well. In fact, the fears that employers would potentially layoff employees rather than offer health insurance has proven false in practice; the truth of the matter is that there have not been increased layoffs due to mandatory health insurance laws and more employers are now offering employees health insurance than in the past (Politifact.com confirms it!). The cost of the program does not appear to be bankrupting the state; in fact, the Massachusetts economy is flourishing. Businesses have not left the state looking for greener pastures just over the state borders in Rhode Island (although I wish they would). As in the past, many Rhode Island business owners continue to set up shop in Massachusetts for its favorable business climate.

Several years ago I hopped in my Tazi Sack and attended a Meet the Candidates night at which candidates for the Rhode Island governorship were speaking. One candidate (who has a Masters Degree in Taxation, so you know he is well-educated!) was arguing that in order to bring back our economy we need to bring manufacturing jobs back to America. While personally I think this idea had great potential – no more “Made in China” tags on textiles! – I realized right away it would not work in practice. The Chinese have government sponsored health care, eliminating this expensive cost to manufacturers. Many manufacturing plants also offer employees housing, just like the American mill owners once did, as a part of their salary. While I am not suggesting we go back to the days when Americans sold their souls to the company store, I am suggesting that we need to think of some creative ways to compete with Chinese manufacturers; ideas that will work in practice and not just as a potential. Once upon a time union leaders had some great ideas on how to make both employees and business owners happy. Are there any great negotiators left? Or is it the business owners who have sold their souls this time around? (Tune in next Sunday for more thoughts on this debate!).

This Labor Day, I think we all owe it to ourselves and our country to try. Try what, you ask? Exactly. Just try. So often we are afraid to leave our comfort zone because it means putting the potential into practice, a time during which the hopeful risk failure and the naysayers risk being proven wrong. Try anyway. Then, try again. You will never get the taste of failure out of your mouth if you don’t work to overcome it. (My Mommie loves to tell her Chemistry students how she failed the subject back in high school because it shows that failure can be replaced with success the second time around).

Don’t like legislation that Congress has passed? Try to give it time, to see if it will work before you try to change it. Then, if it is the utter disaster you predicted (based upon nothing more than your political and/or moral beliefs), work to change it – not through empty and poorly researched rhetoric, personal opinion, or symbolic votes that you know will fail but through grassroots efforts to motivate and affect change.

Hoping for a promotion at work? Try taking a class that will make you more marketable. Start by trying to fill out the financial aid forms, if money is what is holding you back. Start by walking into the school’s Academic Assistance Center, if academic ability is what is keeping you from trying. The excuse that you lack the time or that there is a scheduling conflict has been made moot by the advances in distance learning programs.

This Labor day, vow to put your potential into practice. Take risks; it is individual efforts that came together in the form of a collective goal that built this country, let’s not let fear of the potential cause it to crumble.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.