Excessive Sweating May Have A Medical Cause, Treatment

Dear Tazi:

I have an unusual problem that I don't know how to solve. I sweat a lot. I mean a LOT. I am not overweight, so it is not like I have extra body fat producing heat that makes me excessively warm. I am not a woman, so it's not like I am having hot flashes in the middle of winter. I am just always uncomfortably warm and so I sweat a lot, especially from my forehead, back, armpits, and feet. The result is that I often smell like sweat - fresh sweat and drying sweat. I don't dare go a single day without showing at least twice, and I use the strongest deodorant and antiperspirants I can find but I still sweat and smell funky.

I have not gone on a  date in a very long time because when I get nervous I sweat even more. The last date I went on, I could tell that the woman smelled me because she kept making a funny face all through dinner, and then excused herself to go to the ladies room halfway through the movie. She never came back. I was never so humiliated in all my life!

Tazi, I have reached the point where my problem is causing me some serious personal issues. I never want to leave the house because it means going out into the un-air conditioned weather; I rarely socialize and I don't date. I even think my problem may be holding me back at work. People who started after me and who have less seniority/experience are getting promoted before me. Any solutions?

Signed,
Sweaty McStink

Dear Sweaty McStink:

It sounds like you have hyperhidrosis, a very treatable medical condition in which the sweat glands are overactive and excrete far too much, far too often. You should make an appointment with a dermatologist or ask your primary care physician to refer you to one. A doctor will be able to prescribe testing and - if you do have hyperhidrosis - prescription-strength antiperspirant that has been clinically proven to alleviate the symptoms of hyperhidrosis. Do not delay; the quality of your life depends upon it.

I would like to add that your date who left you in the middle of the movie was a first class heel and has absolutely no class at all! Please do not judge all women by this one experience.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is 10-Years Old Too Young To Wear Contact Lenses? (Only If Mom Says So!)

DEAR TAZI,

I AM WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I STINK AT TYPING AND DON'T WANT TO MAKE MISTAKES! I AM 10 YEARS OLD AND THE DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE TO START WEARING GLASSES BECAUSE I HAVE BAD EYESIGHT AND THAT IS WHY I CAN'T SEE THE BOARD AT SCHOOL EVEN WHEN I AM SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW.

I DON'T WANT TO WEAR GLASSES, TAZI! GLASSES WILL MAKE ME LOOK STUPID AND ARE FOR UGLY PEOPLE! I WANT TO WEAR CONTACT LENSES LIKE MY MOM BUT SHE SAYS I AM TOO YOUNG! SHE TOLD ME THE DOCTOR SAYS MY EYES ARE NOT DONE GROWING YET AND I WILL OUTGROW MY CONTACT LENSES. MY FRIEND WHO HAS A BABY BROTHER SAYS THAT OUR EYES ARE FULL GROWN WHEN WE ARE BORN AND THAT IS WHY BABIES EYES LOOK SO BIG. IS MY DOCTOR LYING TO MY MOM? IS MY MOM LYING TO ME? IS MY FRIEND WRONG? I REALLY WANT TO WEAR CONTACT LENSES AND NOT GLASSES!

SIGNED,
TOO PRETTY FOR GLASSES

Dear Too Pretty For Glasses:

I am glad you told me the reason you were writing in ALL CAPS; otherwise, I would have thought you were having a screaming tantrum, and that would be a sign of someone who is not yet grown up enough to wear contact lenses!

A few weeks ago I printed an essay on something called "truthiness" - which is something that we believe to be true because we want it to be true, even if it doesn't quite sound true. The story your friend told you about babies eyes being fully grown at birth (and that is why babies eyes are so big) is not true. All of the other parts of our body grow bigger as we grow up, so why wouldn't our eyes grow, too? It is important to think about what people say, and not just believe them because it sounds cool.

It is the fact that your eyes are still growing and changing that has left you in need of what doctors call "corrective lenses" and what the rest of us call glasses or contact lenses. This doesn't mean that you are too young to wear contact lenses - children can wear contact lenses - but most are not ready to take on the responsibility of wearing them, which involves taking them out every night and cleaning them. Wearing contact lenses is a lot like owning a puppy. At first it is a lot of fun, but then you have to walk the puppy, train the puppy, clean up after the puppy, feed the puppy...as the puppy grows up the charm wears off. The same can be said for wearing contact lenses, only the charm wears off a lot faster! If your Mom thinks you are not ready for contact lenses, I am going to have to side with her; Mom's word is like the law - you can't fight it!

I want you to know that glasses do not make a person ugly or geeky looking. Glasses can make a person look smart, and the right style and color frames can be very fashionable and pretty! Nobody is ever too pretty to wear glasses, and squinting because you are not wearing them makes you look ugly and will give you wrinkles while you are still young! Did you know that Justin Bieber wears glasses?

Add caption

So does America's Sweetheart Jennifer Aniston!

That's right...I called her America's Sweetheart!

Even rapper TI and the always amazing songstress Katy Perry wear glasses!

See? You can wear glasses and still look fresh! I think once you are able to see better through your new glasses you will see how pretty you can look in glasses, too!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. I think this cat looks fabulous in this set of "olive peepers!"

I'm sexy and I know it! Yeah look at them glasses!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Cunning" In-Laws Convince Son To Be Bad Husband

Dear Tazi,

I have a problem with my in-laws. My marriage is breaking apart because of their constant interference by talking out against me to my husband . My husband is a devout son, and does not want to see their intentions of keeping us apart so that they can have him to themselves all the time. He is blind to their actions. Their interference has increased to the extent that my husband has withdrawn all the money from the bank account that we jointly hold saying that I am going to spend all the money away. 

My in-laws are very cunning and would always gate crash our holidays, anniversary celebrations etc. I have tried confronting my husband as well as my in-laws. The only response I get is shouting and cursing. Please give me some help and advice.

Signed,

Odd One Out

Dear Odd One Out:

No loving child (youth or adult) wants to see their parents as bad people, so I can understand why your husband is blind to their goal of cutting you out of the picture. Perhaps he sees the time he spends with them as quality time between mother and son/father and son, and expects you to spend this same time with your parents. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here because you say yourself that his parents are "very cunning"; it would seem that the combination of their cleverness and their honest concern for their son has cast a spell over him and he has forgotten that his first responsibility is to his marriage.

That's correct; I said your husband's first responsibility is to his marriage, as is yours. A marriage is not about the husband putting the wife first and the wife putting the husband first, but about putting the union first and doing what needs to be done to keep that union between the two spouses strong. By putting his parents first your husband has inadvertently put a large wedge into your marital bond.  Would you be able to talk to him about things from this angle? If you do not feel comfortable trying, a marriage counselor or clergy person can assist you - either alone, by helping you rehearse a conversation, or by working with the two of you as a couple. You do not say if there are children involved, but if there are this is one more important reason to try all the harder.

The fact that your in-laws "gate crash" events has me puzzled. Are they inviting themselves along to your intimate dinner-for-two or are they showing up at a large party where everyone but them was invited? If it is the former, your husband needs to draw some boundaries and enforce them if he wants his marriage to work; if it is the latter, you will have to loosen up and grin and bear it. As odious as you find your in-laws, they are family and should not be excluded when other members of your husband's family are celebrating with you (an exception to this would be a young couples gathering). 

Finally, I am astounded at your husband's callousness in reasoning away his unreasonable and disrespectful move of removing all of your money from a jointly held account. A joint account cannot be closed by one party, so it appears he did the next best thing by removing all of the money from it. Regardless of where your marriage is headed - reconciliation or divorce - I strongly advise you to meet with your banking representative and ask for:

1) A copy of the statement showing the withdrawal, which will include the existing balance before the withdrawal.

2) A copy of the check or withdrawal slip used to make the withdrawal. This will have your husband's signature on it proving it was he who withdrew the funds. (If he used an ATM card, a record that it was his card will exist, as well).

Keep these in a safe place, or give it to your attorney if you have one to represent you or even a friend who is an attorney and is willing to keep such confidential matters for you. This joint account is a marital asset, and you are entitled to half of it. If one of you decides to legally dissolve your marriage these documents will be your proof that the funds existed - even if your husband has somehow managed to hide it - and were withdrawn in a lump sum. If you cannot get the cash, you will be entitled to the cash equivalent or even a payout over time. 

Advising couples on how to prepare to leave is something I hate to do, but I must be realistic and accept that it happens. If you and your husband decide that your marriage is worth saving, you should enlist the help of a counselor who will help you negotiate what will be some rough waters - and keep things from devolving into screams and curses hurled at each other in anger. I wish you all the best.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Marital Rape Is Still Rape

[Ed. Advisory: As you can tell from the headline, today's column deals with a very controversial subject that may not be appropriate for all readers.]

Dear Tazi:

My husband raped me. I told him I wanted a divorce and he forced himself of on me. My precious cat "Sam" tried to stop him, but Sam is declawed and could not do much to hurt my husband. I feel so empty and I don't know who to turn to or what to do now. Please help me. My husband says he was taking what was rightfully his as my husband.

Signed,
Wishing Sam Wasn't Declawed

Dear Wishing Sam Wasn't Declawed:

I am not declawed. This is for your husband:

Your husband had no right to violate you like he did. Marital vows speak of loving, honoring, and cherishing your spouse, not of forcing them to supply sex on demand. Furthermore, rape is not a crime of passion but of anger and power; its purpose is to demean and humiliate the victim. If your husband were to lose his temper and severely beat you he would be held criminally responsible; just because he chose to use sex as his weapon does not mean what he did to you was any less of a crime, regardless of whether you decide to pursue legal action.

Since your letter just arrived yesterday (I pushed it to post today because it is an emergency situation) I am going to assume that there is still evidence of an assault - bruising and tearing, if not bodily fluids. If you are too embarrassed to go to the emergency room and get examined you should go to your personal physician; if you are too embarrassed to go to your personal physician, you should go to the emergency room. Either way, you should get medical attention. A medical report showing an assault occurred will be of assistance to you in your divorce proceedings, and will help you to receive a police escort if you choose to leave your home, or police assistance in making sure your husband moves out and does not come around uninvited.

If you decide to leave your home, look for a hotel or motel that accepts pets - take Sam with you! - and allows you to pay in cash. If you pay with a credit card, make sure it is one in your name only, so your husband cannot trace you through your credit card activity. If you have not done so already, contact an attorney who can handle the issues you are not ready to deal with yourself (specifically the issue of joint financial accounts).

I strongly urge you to call your local rape crisis center. The National Sexual Assault Hotline number is 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). They will be able to provide you with immediate counseling and step-by-step instructions on how to care for yourself. If ever you start to doubt yourself, remember that your cat knew what your husband was doing was wrong; trust Sam's instincts if you cannot trust your own.

Extra snuggles and cuddles,
Tazi

P.S. Even though Sam is declawed, a cat's teeth can still do some damage. Sam may have bitten your husband hard enough to cause a reaction bad enough to require medical attention. Please mention this to your doctor and to your attorney. It may seem like a small thing, but your husband's wounds will buttress your story. --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

An Entitled Prince At Home Finds Himself A Peasant Among School Peers

Dear Tazi:

I think I may have made a mistake in parenting my youngest child. "Roderick" is my child from my second marriage, and better than a decade younger than my other two children from my first marriage. Admittedly, we have all spoiled Roderick, making him feel special in ways that he is...well, average for a child his age.

Every milestone Roderick has made has been met with cheers of glory and celebration - from when he first started using a sippy cup to the first time he used the potty. No event was too small for us to cheer on Roderick, we all love him so much! I think this is where the problem started.

My family (husband and older children) and I would assist Roderick with age appropriate activities like puzzles and games whenever he started to get frustrated. We would let him think that he had accomplished the feat all by himself, and praise his good work. When we would play a board game or checkers with him we would always let him win, and if he was losing in spite of ourselves we would allow him to change the rules midway through the game so he was winning. We hated to see Roderick cry over something so silly.

Roderick started kindergarten this past September, and it was a difficult transition for him as well as me. I was used to having my little man home with me all day, so to have to hand him over to the teacher was heart-wrenching. I am afraid quite a few tears were shed by both of us those first few months. Roderick's first term did not go well. There were many parent-teacher conferences about his inability to play nice and make friends; apparently Roderick has gotten so used to being the center of attention and winning at everything that he does not know how to lose gracefully. He has taken to throwing tantrums in the classroom when things don't go his way, and the other kids make fun of him for it.

Now, I am not one of those parents who thinks her child is perfect, but I think the teacher should stand up for my Roderick when the other kids are picking on him or excluding him from playtime activities, and I told her so. I get the impression she thinks I am one of "those" parents, if you understand what I mean! Roderick has been complaining that he does not want to go back to school because the other kids are mean to him and that the teacher does not like him (he actually says that she "hates" him!). While I realize that there needs to be give and take on both sides, I don't think Roderick's teacher realizes this as she seems to want to put all of the blame squarely upon Roderick!

I have tried to get the school principal to intervene, but she just backs up Roderick's teacher. Tazi, I am willing to admit that my child was quite spoiled at home and that perhaps this was not the best course of action to take during his most formative years, but being bullied by his school mates while the teacher stands by and does NOTHING isn't exactly undoing the damage, now is it? In fact, I am certain that is is causing further damage to Roderick's psyche.

I would like to pull Roderick from this school and either send him to a private school or home school him myself. My husband is firmly against either course of action, saying that pulling Roderick from the public school and coddling him in private school will teach him that it is okay to run from a problem. He also refuses to allow me to home school Roderick, claiming I am not qualified to do so and he is not going to pay tuition to someone who is. Tazi, I have no idea where this attitude is coming from! My husband and I have always been on the same page when it comes to Roderick, or at least it seemed that we were, but now he is telling me that I must thrust my little boy out into the world to fend for himself! Isn't there a happy medium somewhere in between our two viewpoints? I am willing to compromise, but it seems that nobody else is!

Signed,
Good Mother

Dear Good Mother:

My Mommie tells me that I cannot have treats anytime I want, that too many treats will make me fat. She says she is being mean to be kind instead of killing me with kindness.

For once a dog has a good idea!

It sounds to me that you and your family have killed Roderick with kindness, metaphorically speaking. He is unable to function in a world where he does not get his way and is not celebrated for simply being. This alone would make for an extremely difficult transition for him, but the fact that you gave into your sorrow and cried with him as you "handed him over" to his teacher only added to your child's stress. So yes, you have made a few mistakes in parenting your son. I am glad that you can recognize them, but your refusal to help mend the result is what concerns me.

You say that Roderick's classroom teacher just stands there and allows the other children to pick on him. I find this highly unlikely, especially when you consider that your source of this information is your son. Could it be that the teacher reprimands the students for bullying but does not force them to play with a child who refuses to play by the rules? A kindergarten teacher must draw boundary lines for all children to obey - and forcing a child to play with someone whose behavior upsets them crosses a line. How do you think your son would feel if he were forced to play with a child he did not like? Well, it appears that your child is the one that the other children do not like.

I think a few sessions with the school's guidance counselor will be helpful to Roderick. Hearing the rules from an unbiased, outside source who is trained to deal with children's issues may help Roderick to see why his behavior has to change. Sometimes, the rules that exist at home do not exist outside the home. This is a basic rule that even the youngest of children can grasp. If you don't believe me, ask Grandma! There is a reason children behave differently at Grandma's than they do at home!

The counselor may even suggest a change of classroom to give Roderick a fresh start. I do not believe a change of schools (or even home-schooling, where the problem is rooted) is necessary. Speaking of behaving differently at home, the time has come to gradually introduce changes to Roderick's home life - and to tolerate the tears that come along with these changes. As painful as it sounds, it is the only way to help Roderick grow into a fully functioning citizen.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Wants Another Baby, Thinks Husband Selfish For Saying No

Dear Tazi:

I am approaching 40 and have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 10 year old daughter. My problem is that I am having strong urges to have another child. My husband has flat-out said no to this, but I can't seem to shake my desire for another baby. My daughter is growing up so fast, and I can't help but worry that something might happen to her. What if she is killed in an accident? Would I still be a mother if I no longer have a child?

I realize my worries seem silly, selfish, and completely unrealistic, but I really want another baby. My daughter is at an age where she is exerting her independence from me; when I drop her off at school, she pulls away when I try to kiss her goodbye and asks me not to "embarrass" her in front of her friends. She begs me to let her wear makeup and and has started to get into fashion and noticing boys. I feel like my little girl is no longer a little girl, and I still have so much love to give! I feel empty inside knowing that I may never have another child.

I have discussed my feelings with my husband, who has suggested that we get a puppy as an outlet for my motherly affections, but I don't want a pet - I want another baby. My husband has not been able to give me one good reason why we should not try for another child! We are financially stable and can afford another child; we are both young enough to have the energy to chase after a child; and up until this issue has affected our lives our marriage was rock solid. Yes, my desire for a baby and his selfishness are putting cracks in our union. I love my husband...but I also want another baby. If he won't give me one, I may consider leaving and finding someone who will. Or rather finding someone who will and then leaving, since I really don't have a lot of time left. I am 38!

My friends tell me that I am crazy - crazy for wanting another baby at my age (and right before my daughter enters her teen years!); crazy for thinking of leaving my husband who is a "great guy" according to all of my girlfriends; and crazy for not thinking of the consequences of following through with my plans. One of my friends suggested that I stop using birth control and see what happens - just don't tell my husband, but that feels dishonest. If we are going to have another baby I want it to be something we both want, not something I tricked him into doing.

Tazi, are my feelings normal? Am I going through some kind of mid-life crisis or is what I am feeling valid? I feel that I really do want another baby!

Signed,
Baby Blues

Dear Baby Blues:

Something tells me that you are thinking with your heart and not your head. Kudos to you for not wanting to trick your husband into having another child. Marriage is based upon open and honest communication which is what you appear to have, based upon what you have told me. To ruin that would be disastrous for your marriage and for any baby that your deceit brings into this world.

You do not mention the reasons why your husband does not want another child; you merely say his reasons are "selfish". Your husband is probably thinking further forward than you are - say, 18 years into the future as the two of you are preparing for retirement and being saddled with college tuition bills. How much financial stability can you expect at that point? While his suggestion that you get a puppy was an awkward one, I think it expresses his feelings on the subject - a new human baby is out of the question.

While on the subject of being selfish...I want you to look inwardly for a moment. You are considering searching for a new partner while still married and then leaving your husband for a new one if your search proves fruitful. This is the epitome of selfishness! Think of the pain you would cause not only your husband but your daughter, as well as extended family members who have come to love your husband as a member of the family. Is a new baby worth the pain you would inflict on others? Are you sure that your reasons for wanting another baby are not selfish, too? It appears that you want another child because your current baby is growing up and is no longer completely reliant on you. If you have another baby, where will your first child fit into the picture?

I suggest you schedule a few sessions with a professional counselor to discuss your feelings in a neutral setting, and to dig into the roots of your desire. In the meantime, try to remember the sleepless nights, the shower-less days, the messy house, and all of the less than pleasant things that go along with having a baby. You may discover that, at 38, you no longer have the energy you had with your first child.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. To answer your first question: Of course you are still a mother if your only child passes away! While this is every parent's worst nightmare, it does not change your status. Once a parent, always a parent.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #75 - Winter Blues? Cat Memes To The Rescue!

Dear Readers,

Well it finally happened. All 50 of America's states have seen below-freezing temperatures at the same time.

He's been warning us that winter is coming!

Due to large amounts of the white stuff I have been unable to sneak outside and hide under my deck. Feeling full of woe, I decided to cheer myself up by looking for memes of chubby cats. Because chubby cats make me smile. They remind me that I am not as fat as my vet says I am. (However, if this cold keeps up I will become one with them). Enjoy! I'm off for a nap.

Because the cold air adds 10 pounds, you know!

You wanna be the first to tell off the big guy?

Metaphorically speaking...I think!

Because Chris Christie has made it OK to be chunky!

Because being cute invalidates all other arguments!

And it's all Santa's fault!

'nuff said!

Because it's Girl Scout Cookie season!

That's all for now, humans! If the government is monitoring your Internet usage, I hope they like cats as much as you!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 6: Wife Needs To Find Common Ground - And Language - With Her In-Laws

Dear Tazi:

I am not fond of my in-laws. They are nice people, very warm and outgoing, so it is not like they never accepted me, its just that they do not speak English.

"Mr. and Mrs. P." are from Lebanon, and  only speak Lebanese Arabic, a dialect exclusive to their home country. During the civil war that tore through their country, they moved to Senegal, a country on the coast of West Africa where many Lebanese had resettled. Because their countrymen were already there, there was no need for them to learn the local language and that is what they did - or didn't, I should say.

Where God blesses the rain and
we all take the time to do the things we never have...

Mr. and Mrs. P. moved to America a few years later when one of Mr. P.'s brothers, who got out of Lebanon right before the war started, sponsored their immigration to America. Mr. P.'s brother had done very well for himself, living in Michigan, learning English, and working for the automotive companies. Mr. and Mrs. P. saw his success and jumped at the chance to join him.

Mr. and Mrs. P. have now lived in America for more than 30 years, and have done moderately well for themselves, especially when you consider that fact that neither one of them speaks a word of English! At my wedding to their son two years ago, they gave the toast in Lebanese and my uncle-in-law graciously translated, courteously adding that these were his sentiments, as well. Since that day, I have been expected to learn Lebanese Arabic. My husband has tried to teach me, but having been born and schooled in America English is his first language. He never had any formal training in Lebanese, just what his parents taught him and he learned to speak it as he learned English. However, he cannot read or write it so it is difficult for him to teach me. There are no Lebanese Arabic courses offered where we live, but there are plenty of ESL classes that my in-laws could take, if they showed the initiative.

My husband and I just found out that we will be expecting a baby in 2014 and we are very excited about it! I was somewhat upset that I could not tell my in-laws myself; that my husband had to tell them and I had to stand there and listen to them talk. I tried to catch a few words, but they spoke very fast and I could not understand. They seemed upset with my husband, but then turned to me all smiles. It turns out that they were concerned that my husband and I are too young to be parents (my husband and I are both 24).

I would like to have a better relationship with my in-laws, for the sake of my marriage and for the relationship that they will one day have with their grandchild(ren). I see their language slipping away as the world around them Americanizes and their language is lost to the new generations. I would like my husband to suggest to his parents that they start to learn English, but he is hesitant, saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". I will not leave them alone with my child knowing that they cannot speak English. What if there was an emergency and they needed to call the doctor or 911? My husband says I am overreacting, that the baby isn't even here yet and already I am borrowing trouble, but I just want to be prepared! Am I being unreasonable in wanting my in-laws to learn English? I'll even accept Spanish, considering its common use here in America! I studied the language in high school and college and am fluent enough to have a conversation.

Signed,
Mother-To-Be

Dear Mother-To-Be:

Your concerns are valid ones, but then so is your husband's argument. If his parents have not learned another language in the 30+ years since they have left Lebanon I doubt that they are suddenly going to try. As for your end, learning to speak a foreign language is difficult enough without said language being a locally spoken dialect in a country that is approximately 6,000 miles (9,500 km) away from you.

I suggest that you try to work on a few key words and phrases with your husband that you will need to be able to communicate with your in-laws. These phrases can be about their general health and well being or specific to the care of your baby. Your husband should also teach you to understand a few key responses to these questions so you will understand what is being said back to you. Since the modern Arabic alphabet is not something you understand, write down the words phonetically with their English translation beneath them. Your husband needs to do the same for his parents, except to have them write the words in Arabic with the English phonetic pronunciation. With any luck, his Arabic will improve as much as yours. There are many online translation programs that can help you get started, as well as learn-at-home programs like Rosetta Stone, if you are willing and able to make the financial investment. Think of it as an investment in your child's culture as well as an investment in family unity.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 5: In Praise Of In-Laws...And Hope For Damaged Relations

Dear Tazi:

I am a woman with a unique problem: I can't stand my parents, but my in-laws are the best! Growing up, my mother was judgmental and demeaning, and nothing i ever did was good enough to please her. When my first child was born, I saw the cycle begin anew - my daughter wasn't rolling over soon enough, she wasn't crawling fast enough, she's be certain to be a late walker if I didn't intervene - so I all but cut my mother out of my life, and with her my father who has never done anything to stand up for me (or himself. He just sticks his head into a bottle of Jack Daniels').

Every year I send my mother a Christmas card and a present, and will pay a short visit to her with my kids. As soon as the criticisms start, I pack up our stuff and leave.Mom knows why I choose to leave at this point, and always says that she is only trying to help me and that I will be worse off for not listening to her - just wait and see!

This year was Mom's first year without Dad. He passed away from liver failure this summer, God rest his soul. Mom is now upset that she did not receive an invitation to spend the holidays with my husband and his family. She called me to express her concern that her invitation was lost in the mail and to ask when she should arrive for dinner. I awkwardly told her that she had not been invited and that she should plan her own holiday because she would not be invading on mine. Mom, of course, played the part of the victim.

You can imagine my surprise when, Christmas Day, my mother showed up for dinner at my mother-in-law's house and played the part of the perfect guest! She had called my mother-in-law behind my back and asked if she could come. She charmed everyone, and my in-laws now think I am a horrible person for cutting my mother out of my life! There is talk about inviting her over for all of the holidays so she doesn't have to spend them alone! How do I get my family to realize that the woman they saw at Christmas dinner is not the woman who raised me?

Signed,
Duped

Dear Duped:

A person can only hold up a mask for so long. Surely your husband knows what your mother is like and how she treats you? Let him be your rock, and lean into him for the support you need. Now, take a deep breath because I am not certain you are going to like what I suggest next:

Try to forgive your mother her shortcomings. You do not know what your mother's struggle was like, being married to an alcoholic. You say your father's alcoholism was his way of coping with your mother's criticism, but nobody forced him to drink. A long run, half an hour with a pair of boxing gloves and a bag, meditation, or any other form of stress release is a far more healthy and productive way of dealing with emotional hurts. Alcohol may have been the cause of your mother's harsh attitude and not the effect of it. In her hopes of preparing you for a better life she did the only thing she knew how to do - criticize what she thought the world would see as shortcomings.

And be glad that she is not a witch!

Now that your father is gone, your mother is free from living with his alcoholic ways - one of which may have been verbal abuse. Nobody knows exactly what goes on inside a marriage except the two people involved in it, so while you are asking God to rest your father's soul you may want to ask Him to heal your mother's...and yours.

I suggest that on your next visit to your mother you talk to her about her appearance at Christmas dinner and her plans for appearing at future holiday events. Tell her you appreciated the warmth and love she radiated, and would like to feel it more often - in your every-day visits, and not just at the holidays in front of an audience. Ask her why she feels the need to be so critical of you and your children when it is obvious that you are all doing quite well. Try for baby steps in getting her to open up to you. When things get hard, think about how much you love your own children, and know that this is how much your mother loves you. Work from love in order to rebuild your broken bond. If, in the end, this is not possible, you will at least know that you tried...but try before you give up altogether.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 4: Why Buy The Cow When Milk Is Free?

Dear Tazi:

I am having a "mother-in-law" issue. Notice that I put the word in quotes. It's because my boyfriend's mother does not consider me her daughter-in-law, even though I have been dating her son for 10 years and living with him for almost six.

"George" and I have a great relationship that is only marred by his fear of making our commitment to each other legal. He married his high school sweetheart and divorced after less than five years of marriage, and then had a broken engagement that ended a two year relationship. Because of these "failures" (George's word, not mine) George is afraid to take the next step in our relationship until he is certain our relationship is ready. How ready do we have to be???

Just before the holidays I was on the phone with my best friend, telling her I was hoping that I would get a ring this Christmas. I thought this conversation was between her, me, and the four walls, but George's mother had come over unexpectedly and let herself in the house. She overheard my end of the conversation, including the part where I refer to her as "my mother-in-law". "Millie" let me know that she was not my mother-in-law, that her son and I were not married and that as long as he "got milk for free he will not be buying the cow!".

Tazi, I have never been so insulted! How backwards is George's Mom - and how little does she think of her son - that she thinks that a man only gets married so he can have access to regular sex, and that by sleeping with him I am the reason George won't marry me? I told Millie that George has much more respect for me than that, but she just looked at me smugly and asked, "Then why has he not honored you with a ring? He gave a ring to his ex-wife and his old girlfriend, and you have been with him twice as long as either of them!" Tazi, I had no answer for her...

That evening, when George got home from work, I spoke with him about what is mother had said - about him not honoring me in the way he respected and honored women in his past. This turned into a huge argument, with George telling me that his mother is only looking to start trouble because she wants to see us married. He said it was her way of showing "tough love" to me and to ignore her.

I am now wondering if George is right - that I should ignore his mother for her "tough love" stance or if she has some valid points. Technically, she is not my mother-in-law because there is no law between us; George did honor his ex-girlfriend with an engagement ring - that she got to keep, even after they broke up - while I have no ring of any kind; and I do want to get married - it is George who is dragging his feet. George keeps telling me that I am letting his mother ruin a good thing between us, but I am not so sure she is. I am starting to think that George is the one ruining things. Your thoughts, little kitty?

Signed,
Not A Cow

Dear Not A Cow:

Millie's line about milk and a cow is a very old-fashioned way of thinking, but does not necessarily refer only to sex (at least not anymore). As George's live-in life-partner, your relationship is one that reflects many of the domestic facets of marriage - an extra paycheck/shared living expenses, someone to help cook and clean, a person to depend upon - as well as the more intimate parts that were once restricted as a benefit of marriage only. You are right that men do not get married solely to have access to "regular sex"; they get married for the same reasons women marry - because they fall in love and want to build a life with their partner, one that is legally recognized, and not just accepted, by society.

You still can't marry a cow, though...

Millie has brought up some hard points for you to consider, but that is what tough love is - making someone you love uncomfortable for the sake of their own good. You have lived with George for almost six years - that is longer than he lived with his ex-wife. Before now, was your relationship showing signs of giving out on you? Or were you still as solid as always? Has George reached a point where he is comfortable and feels like you will not leave him, regardless of how unhappy you are with the stagnant state of your relationship? Do you want to get married for the sake of being married, or do you want to marry George and no other? These are all questions that you need to answer before deciding what to do about your relationship with George, because it seems like you are the one who is going to have to make some decisions!

It appears that George has decided that he is comfortable with how things are; if you want things to change, you are going to have to make him uncomfortable. If you can afford to, I suggest that you tell George you are making plans to move into your own place - that you need space to think through the things his mother has brought to your attention; that you do feel dishonored that he gave an ex-girlfriend an engagement ring after only a year or two and here you are without even a promise ring after ten. Give George a deadline to discuss matters - say three months - and stick to it. Saying that he is scared to move forward because of his past is pretty thin reasoning, considering that your relationship with him makes up a large part of his past!

In the end, you will have to be prepared to accept the fact that George may simply not want to marry you. If this is the case, you need to decide if you are better to stay with him and settle or move on to greener pastures.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 3: Must Man Choose Between Mother And Girlfriend?

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a wonderful woman named "Lorelei" for almost two years now. Since I lost everything in a horrible divorce a few decades ago I have been gun-shy about marriage, since I have worked very hard to rebuild my life. I now own my own home, have a car with no payment, and have healthy savings and retirement accounts, as well as a few blue chip investments. I would hate to lose all of this in a second divorce (and have to start over again in my fifties!) so I have stipulated that I will not marry a woman until I have lived with her for at least a year.

After Lorelei and I were dating for a full year, I asked her to move in with me. Her reasons for saying no were valid (she feels that the first year of a relationship is always the easiest) and wanted to wait for another year to pass so we could get to know each other "with our masks off". I had to laugh, because up until that point I didn't realize how much of ourselves we censored from each other - at that point, I had never farted in front of Lorelei, kept a lit candle in the bathroom whenever I knew she would be coming over, made sure the bed was made and the sheets freshly washed...all stuff I generally overlook when I am around the guys.

Now that the two year mark is approaching I have once again asked Lorelei to move in with me, and she has said yes - on the condition that we are engaged and have a tentative wedding date in mind to work toward. She has told me she does not wish to sell or lease her house long-term and combine our finances unless she knows that she will not be out of house and home should things not work between us. I hadn't thought of things this way before, and realized how self-centered I was being. After speaking with my attorney and financial planner I had paperwork drawn up that will protect both of our interests, and Lorelei has read and agreed sign them after her lawyer reviewed them. Wow, three paragraphs and I still haven't told you my problem!

Lorelei has decided to lease her house with the option for the lessee to buy after two years. She is currently looking for a tenant before making our move, the only thing that is delaying us. Last month, my father passed away after a short but terminal illness. My mother is now looking to move in with me so she does not have to live alone. Mom is in excellent health and does not need someone to look after her - but if she did, she has her choice of my six other siblings, all who live nearby! Five of my siblings are married, and Mom has said she does not want to live somewhere where she will not be "the woman of the house", which rules out all but my youngest brother who is 28 and not married. "Joe" lives on his own and has offered to give up his apartment and move in with Mom to keep her company, help with expenses (the house is paid for, but there are always bills and repairs), and see after her. Mom has refused this offer, saying that Joe is old enough to be on his own and that she will not have him moving home with her! Joe cannot afford to buy his own home - even with Mom's help - so this idea is out, too.

I suppose I have detailed the problem enough for you to figure out what it is, but let me spell it out anyway: If my mother moves in with me, Lorelei will not...and I can't say I blame her. What woman would want to give up her own home to be subservient to another woman of the house? We have talked about renting/selling my house and moving into Lorelei's, but my house is larger and more conveniently located to both of our jobs, and because I live just over the border in a different state my property taxes are a lot lower than hers, as are my income taxes. We have considered selling both houses and buying something that will be "ours" but that would take even more time in this difficult economy. What the heck do I do? Do I have to choose between my mother and my girlfriend?

Signed,
What Would Dad Do?

Dear What Would Dad Do?

It is obvious from your signature that you are deeply mourning the loss of your father; to be thrown into this new situation makes life all the more difficult. I ran your letter by a friend who happens to be a social worker, and she suggested that you and your mother not make any unplanned, major life decisions for the first year. Since you and Lorelei had already planned on moving in together, you could go forward with this plan, or you may wish to hold off - it all depends on how you feel. How supportive of you was she during your father's illness? How emotionally supportive of you is she now that your father has passed and you are adjusting to life without the man whose opinions and guidance you still seek? The answers to these questions will help you decide what to do about living with Lorelei or holding off for a while - even if it is not for a whole year.

You should tell your mother that making a major move within the first year of a spouse's passing is a bad idea. On the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, death of a spouse rates 100 points - the highest stress level one event can score. Divorce comes in a distant second at 50 points. (Click here to check your stress!). Moving into a new home will only further that stress. Point out to your mother that although you currently live alone, plans to move in with Lorelei in the very near future were all but finalized when your father passed and that those plans, although slightly delayed, are not subject to change. Stress that this means she will not be "the woman of the house" at your house; that Lorelei will be the woman of the house and that perhaps your brother Joe's offer would be worth a second look.

Whatever you do, do not make your mother not moving in about your desire to live with Lorelei but rather about your desire to have control over your own life. Remember that you did not invite your mother to come live with you - she invited herself. If your mother is still adamant about not living alone (one year later or not) and refuses to live with your brother, might it be worth suggesting she sell her house and buy a condo in a senior living community? Most people who do this find that they love it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I find that letters from men do tend to give a lot of background information before directly stating the problem. I have yet to figure out whether this is a desire to be thorough and communicate well or a desire to avoid getting to the issue.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 2: And A Man Shall Leave His Mother...?

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

I have always been kind of a Mamma's Boy, but that is because my father left when I was a very young child, so it has always been mother and me. The first time I left home was to go away to graduate school, which I did several years after receiving my undergraduate degree. I say "first" because I moved home once after that due to a poor economy and student loans. I have since moved out (over my mother's objections) and have a nice home of my own a few miles from my mother's - far enough that I can see her, but not so far that she would have to stay over when she comes to visit.

"I learned a lot watching television!"

I recently had a milestone birthday and have decided that it is time to take the next step with my girlfriend of two years. I plan on asking her to marry me this Valentine's Day! Of course, I told my mother this...and her reaction was far less than what I had hoped.

Mother got very upset when I told her I wanted to marry "Samantha" and went off on a litany about why she is all wrong for me. Everything from "Samantha is a stripper name! No good will ever come of a woman named Samantha!" to "she is beneath you financially; she is a GOLDDIGGER!". Tazi, Have an advanced degree in Chemical Engineering. I don't want to sound like I am bragging, but there are not a lot of people who are above me financially, except for CEO's who have basically sold themselves to their corporations. I pointed this out to Mother, and she told me I was ignoring her argument. When I further pointed out that Samantha is not only a faithful church-going woman and a Eucharistic minister but a woman I met shortly after graduating, when I had no job, no money, and lived with my Mom, Mother retorted that Samantha "saw the potential" of who I could be and staked her claim early.

Tazi, Mother has never made a single disparaging comment about Samantha in the past so I was quite surprised to hear her arguments against my marrying her. I asked Mother if she thought I was replacing her and she went off on a crying jag, saying that she had her suspicions that I was looking for an excuse to push her out of my life, and that I had just confirmed them. I tried to calm her, but Mother said that if I hadn't been planning to cut ties with her why would I even suggest that was the reason for her upset.

I am considering asking Samantha her feelings about building an in-law apartment onto my house so Mother could live with us, but I am afraid that she would only say yes to please me...I know I am only considering it to please Mother. It took me almost 30 years to permanently leave my mother's home an exert myself as a man. I have no desire to go back to what was. I just can't. What should I do?

Signed,
Mamma's Boy But Samantha's Man

Dear Mamma's Boy But Samantha's Man:

The last paragraph of your letter is quite revealing. You say that it took you "almost 30 years" to leave your mother's home and exert yourself as a man. It sounds to me that your mother has held a great deal of control over you and how you lead your life - right down to where you bought your house. I am going to guess that you had some kind of counseling in the past to help you to break free of your mother's unhealthy grip; either way, I am going to suggest that to you now. You may want to meet with a pre-marital counselor now, and have Samantha join you after you get engaged. A counselor will be able to help you develop ways to deal (and sometimes cope) with a demanding parent who does not wish to be put second for anyone. According to the Book of Ephesians (5:31) "...a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The two will become one." Regardless of your religious views, this is common sense and the very basis upon which marriage is based!

It is possible that your mother's poor experience with marriage has tainted her against it and she feels she is trying to save you from the heartache that it brought her. I suggest that you have a sit-down talk with your mother on neutral ground - say, a local coffee shop where she is less likely to make a scene. Explain to her that you love her and will always be there for her, and that her reaction to your wanting to marry Samantha has deeply hurt you, but not changed your mind. Tell her you would like to know where this fury is coming from before it drives a wedge between the relationship you have with her and that she has with Samantha. Do not give her the upper hand because she will grab it and use it to manipulate you. If your mother starts to get emotional tel her that you will continue the conversation when she has regained her composure. Give her a few minutes and if she gets worse be a gentleman and escort her to the ladies room to handle herself in private. Do this once. If she starts a second time, tell her that you cannot talk with her when she is like this and that things will have to be continued another time.

At some point, you will have to get across to your mother that just because you are getting married you will not be abandoning her. Continue to assist her in ways you always have, or pick up the pace if you have not been assisting her with lawn care, car care, and other things that older women of a certain generation generally do not enjoy doing. Meet with your Mom once a week for coffee or lunch to have some "mother-son time". Draw your own boundaries, and make your mother aware that they are there and are not to be crossed. Do not even add "except in case of an emergency" because you will then discover just how little can constitute an "emergency". If your mother is truly in a panic, she will call regardless of boundaries; if you give her an emergency out she will call because she "ran out of creamer for her coffee and can't possibly drink it black because that will aggravate her ulcer, which will send her to the emergency room"...you get the picture, right?

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Did you see yesterday's letter from someone with a similar issue? --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Week, Day 1: Mother Doesn't Approve Of Remarriage After Divorce

[Ed. Note: Tazi has had a large influx of letters from men complaining about their mothers and wives complaining about their in-laws. I have decided to make this "In-Law Week" in an effort to let Tazi make the world a better place!].

Dear Tazi:

My mother is driving me nuts and has crosses a line that I don't know can be uncrossed! I am a divorced man in my late 20's. I got married while still in high school (the Memorial Day weekend before graduation) and then went straight into the military and then shipped overseas shortly thereafter. I realize now that I should never have gotten married when I did and was doing it for all the wrong reasons. A lot of soldiers get cheated on by the woman they leave back home, but I was still surprised and hurt to find out that my wife had found herself a boyfriend. She tried to blame it all on me - saying if I hadn't joined the military I would never have been called away and she would never have cheated, forgetting that if I hadn't joined the military we would not have gotten married so young!

Anyway, all that is behind me now. I have been divorced for about eight years and have been dating a wonderful lady for two and a half years. I am much more mature than I was when I first got married - the military and war will do that to you - and my lady friend is just a peach. She, too, is divorced due to infidelity, but in her case it was her husband who cheated on her while she was working the night shift. She left him when he wouldn't give up his girlfriend (who he claimed was pregnant, but no baby was ever born. That's another story altogether and not mine to tell).

My mother does not want me to marry "Sally" because she is divorced. When I point out that I am divorced, too, Mama says that my case is "special"; that my wife cheated on me while I was "away being a hero for our country". When I point out that Sally's husband cheated, too, she says that's her point - that a satisfied husband will not cheat on his wife, and what kind of woman is willing to work third-shift when only undesirables and the disrespectful are out and about the town. Tazi, Sally is a nurse! She works at a hospital, saving lives! It's not like she is hanging out on a street corner looking to pick up men!

Mama has told me that she will not give our union her blessing, and my father just goes along with whatever Mama wants because he doesn't feel like having to deal with her. He has told me to just ignore Mama and do what I want - that she will come around, if only for the sake of appearances at first and then because of any grandchildren we might give her. Tazi, I want my mother to accept my wife and our marriage because she loves us, not because she wants to keep up appearances or is hoping for a grandchild. Truth be told, I am not too sure I would allow Mama to come around my children knowing she does not approve of my wife!

It's not that I am not a good decision maker - I am; it's just in the military most of the hard decisions were made by commanding officers and handed down to me to obey. Mama went and compared herself to my commanding officer and I just about lost it on her. At least when my commanding officers told me to do something I knew it was for the good of everyone, not just themselves. Did I forget that Mama has always hoped I would marry her best friend's daughter? Well, she has.

Signed,
Boots Off The Ground

Dear Boots Off the Ground:

Thank you for your service to our country and the sacrifices you made - both overseas and in your personal life - to fulfill your commitment of service to our country. The price you paid was high, but you do not need to continue paying it. It is time you start living the life of a private citizen, and one of the advantages of being a private citizen is the right to exercise free will!

You did forget to mention that your Mama has a special interest in who you marry, one that goes beyond the whole mother-daughter-in-law relationship that forms upon marriage. With appearances being important to your Mama, I can only imagine the fantasies she has created that revolve around you marrying the girl next door. Try to understand that your Mama is suffering her own kind of loss that she will have to learn to deal with because you are not hers to control.

I suggest that you have a sit down talk with both of your parents present and call out the complaints and double-standards your mother is holding against Sally. Tell them both that you plan on asking Sally to marry you and that you are not asking their permission or for their blessing, that this is just a general for-your-information announcement. Soften your tone and tell them that you would appreciate it if they could accept Sally for the wonderful woman she is and work with you in the planning of your wedding; tell them that you want them to be a positive influence on your marriage, since they have handled their so well for so many years. Finally, tell your Mom that children don't always marry the one their parents hope for, but things work out in the end just the same! (Those words of wisdom are not mine; the father of a son spoke them to my Mommie many, many years ago when his boy, a dear friend of my Mommie and never anything more, married the love of his life!).

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #74 - Where Did All The Civility Go? Also, Truth Versus Truthiness

Dear Readers:

With the dawn of 2014 many changes are taking place. People are making resolutions to improve themselves, so in that spirit I thought I would, too. However, since I am a cat it goes without saying that I am perfect, so instead of changing me I will be making a few improvements to my home.

A pet door, a self-cleaning litter-box, and window insulation!

A general, societal improvement I have been hoping to see for some time now is improvement in the political discourse among Americans. It used to be name calling was reserved for trolls on chat boards, but now it seems to have seeped over into other areas, particularly Facebook pages and other forms of social media. This week I noticed someone posting a comment on my Mayor's Facebook page, calling someone else's girlfriend "ugly" (click the link and scroll down to Dec. 24th for all the gory details). Said girlfriend was not there to defend herself because she was not part of the debate - her boyfriend had a couple's picture as his profile picture and some woman attacked because the boyfriend had made fun of this woman's shirt. While it was sophomoric to make fun of someone's clothes - and certainly not germane to the conversation - it crosses a line to bash innocent bystanders. When my Mommie tried to moderate, someone who disagreed with her judgement jumped in and told her to call the "WAAAAambulance". (She really should leave these things to me!).

Where has civility gone in the course of political discourse? I know people who have "unfriended" lifelong, real-life friends over differences of political opinion. I see people calling their neighbors "ignorant" and "uninformed" simply because they disagree with an opinion offered (solicited or not). Maybe it's time to apply some rules to political communications: As my Mommie learned as a college freshman, if you are going to have an opinion, make it an educated one!  Do not source politically polarized material; instead, look to find the original source of that material. Who was the primary researcher who wrote the story, quoted the people on record, and is standing behind the work? If this information is not available - or is of questionable repute - look elsewhere before you form an opinion. If someone has the letters "PhD" after their name, look to see which scholarly/peer reviewed publications have published their work! If you can't find any, that "PhD' may not be valid! In the age of the Internet, anyone can fake credentials and the average person is not going to bother to do a background check. (Someone once suggested I call myself Tazi-Kat, PhD! Would you believe that?)

Most importantly, before believing what you read online, you need to ask yourself: Am I believing what I am reading because it gels with what I want to believe? Too often, the truth gets embellished to make it a story people want to believe and (in the age of blogs and YouTube royalties) send viral. This phenomenon picked up steam after 9/11 and generally involved feel-good stories about those who survived the attacks; now, as Steve Colbert would say, the element of "truthiness" has infected so much more. This brings me to my next commentary...

Truthiness is defined by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary as "the quality of preferring concepts or facts one wishes to be true, rather than concepts or facts known to be true" (American Dialect Society, January 2006).  This week, An Open Letter From An Alabama Mom started making the rounds on the conservative online newsletters. This letter was originally posted in a private blog (and re-posted with permission) where it was picked up by...other conservative sources. Not a single, solitary major news source has run with it - not even Bloomberg, the unpaid bloggers' paradise.

While Snopes.com confirms the validity of the source of this article in question (the Alabama Mom) it does not confirm the validity of what was written. While it may sound like I am nitpicking, this is a very important point; if you read the article from a neutral viewpoint, you pick up on some "facts" that don't sound like facts at all. To start:

This Alabama family was supposedly paying $380 a month for direct-pay (not employee sponsored) health insurance. This was not a catastrophic care policy, but full coverage for a family of four - parents and two sons, one of whom has ADHD - including prescription coverage and dental for all family members! She does not mention any kind of yearly deductible, so we must believe there is none if we are to believe her argument is truthful (simply because she rails against the deductible that she must pay under her Obamacare policy). Apples to apples and not oranges, right? If this sounds too good to be true, read on...

The ADHD medications she must purchase every month have an uninsured cost of $400/month. Alabama Mom writes that her new co-pay will be $55 before the annual deductible is reached and then "covered at 80%". This means that the co-pay will rise to $80 after the yearly deductible is paid. This just does not make sense. Now, before you get your dander up over the Affordable Heath Care Act and its perceived evils, stay with me just one more minute...

I would like to know how a family is paying $380/month for full family coverage (including prescription and dental coverage!) if a single prescription medication that costs $400/month is covered at close to 90%? 

Hold on while I do the math...

You don't have to be an Actuary to figure out that something does not add up here! Even if Blue Cross pays the pharmacy at a lower rate - say 50% of uninsured total - that would still mean the cost to Blue Cross for this one prescription is better than 50% of the monthly premium. Is Blue Cross hoping that the child does not have any visits with his specialist that will eat up the other 50% of that month's premium? Are they hoping that nobody else in the family will need a prescription or a cavity filled, or that the creeping crud that is invading their hometown will magically bypass this particular family? Or do things just operate differently in Alabama than they do in the rest of the world? (Please, keep all comments civil!).

In our quest to pummel the intellectual snot out of politicians we do not like and programs we disagree with, let's not fall to the truthiness that surrounds true fact. In failing to do so, we only weaken the argument being made and in hindsight, when the truth is laid bare - and it usually is - it is those who spread the lies who will appear to be ignorant and uninformed.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Time Has Come For Big Sister To Grow Up

Dear Tazi:

I am 14 and my little sister is six. We have shared a bedroom since she was born, which I really don’t mind. I know that sounds weird, but “Larissa” is a good kid and I like being a mother figure to her. Larissa does not like to sleep alone because like a lot of little kids she is scared of the dark.

My parents have told me that it is time for Larissa and I to have separate bedrooms, that I am getting older and need my own space, and that they will be converting the downstairs study into a bedroom for me. Tazi, I don’t want my own bedroom, especially not one that is downstairs when the rest of the bedrooms are upstairs. I told my parents thank you but that I am happy with my current bedroom and sharing my space with Larissa. My parents told me that this is “non-negotiable” and that I will be getting my own room.

Tazi, I don’t understand. I have never complained about sharing a room with my little sister and have never asked for my own space. My parents said that I am at an age where I will expose Larissa to things they do not want her to see, and that means separate bedrooms are needed. Since Larissa is still young, they want to keep her in the upstairs bedroom with them and give me my privacy. Mom and Dad keep telling me that most teenagers would love such an arrangement. Well I don’t. I am not about to corrupt my little sister. Why can’t my parents see this and just let well enough alone?

Signed,

Big Sis

Dear Big Sis:

It appears that your parents are a little ham-handed when it comes to discussing matters of physical development. At 14, your body is going through the changes of puberty. These changes are not something you can shield your sister from if you share a bedroom. Are you comfortable answering her probing questions about why you suddenly have hair “down there” or why your breasts are getting larger or explaining to her the purpose of feminine sanitary supplies? If you were to have an erotic dream, how would you explain your late night moans to your little sister? These are probably the things your parents are considering but are embarrassed to discuss with you.

There's a big difference between six and sixteen!

Your parents want you to move out of your bedroom, not out of the house. It is not like you will never see your little sister again, and with a little imagination you can make your move sound like a grand adventure! Your little sister already has a mother; she needs you to play the part of her big sister, not that of a mother figure. This change is as much about your little sister needing to explore her own independence as it is about you growing up; if Larissa is to remain by your side day and night she is denied the opportunity to step away from your protective skirts and brave the world on her own.

I suggest you ask your parents if you can decorate the new bedroom however you want, to make it your own space, and to let Larissa decorate the current bedroom in décor appropriate for a six year old child. This will give both of you a sense of control over what is happening and make these changes easier to accept – because as your parents have already told you, this move is non-negotiable; rather than waste your energy trying to talk them out of it use that same energy to make this as positive an experience as possible, for you and for Larissa.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Beautiful Receptionist Has Bigger Career Plans, Seeks To Be Taken Seriously

Dear Tazi:

I am naturally blonde and large busted, which leads people to think I am a stupid bimbo. I recently started a new job as a receptionist and file clerk for a company I would like to work for in a higher capacity once I finish my college degree.I thought taking this job would be a good foot in the door, but I am starting to think it was a mistake.

Every time I greet a client I am pleasant and professional, and I am making a lot of great business contacts - many of who tell me they would love to hire someone as professional as me! When I tell them that I will be completing my Engineering degree this spring, they do a double take and look completely caught off guard before commenting that they thought I was "just a receptionist" or a "professional secretary" and not an Engineer. Many will then joke about how the women in their Engineering classes were not nearly as pretty as me, which makes me uncomfortable about even pursuing job openings with their firms. I want to be hired for my skills, not my looks!

I have spoken with the owner of my firm about my future career plans, and he has told me that he would be happy to hire me if he has any openings, but right now business is slow and he does not see himself hiring any Engineers in the near future. He told me that all of his clients have said good things about me, so he thinks I should probably see if they are hiring. I didn't have the heart to tell him that his clients - mostly construction companies and architecture firms - all think I am just a pretty face.

I know I should probably be looking for yet another internship at this point, but I have already completed a few and right now my senior Engineering project is taking all the time and mind power I have available for such things. Plus, I really like my job and the people I work with; I am making some fabulous connections; and I am even learning things that I could not possibly learn in school, like how thinks work on a day-to-day level in a real Engineering firm. I have learned which companies pay their bills on time and which ones are practically bankrupt, which will be helpful if I have to look for work in my field at another firm. I have no regrets about my decision to work here, just some concerns about my future. Will my firms clients ever see me as anything but a receptionist? How can I impress upon them the fact that I am a skilled Engineering student who will soon be entering the workforce?

Signed,
Almost There

Dear Almost There:

Congratulations on your upcoming graduation! I think the path you are taking to make professional contacts is unorthodox, but brilliant! An Engineering student's senior project is something that can be listed on a resume as a form of field-related experience, so it is not like you are slacking off by working as a receptionist during your final semester of study. Currently, you are working as the eyes and ears of an engineering firm. I am sure that you have seen and heard things that will work to your advantage in the near future - such as which companies are financially solvent and which are not, and even word on who is hiring before opportunities are advertised.

Engineers are always in demand!

You are facing a problem that a lot of women face in the work force - being judged by your looks and not your abilities. I suggest you try to use whatever time you have to interact with clients to the best of your advantage, to show that you have brains as well as beauty. If possible, try to learn what types of projects your firm's clients are working on and familiarize yourself with some of the details. When a client comes to visit, greet them as you always would and ask them how a particular project is coming along, explaining that you are an Engineering student with an interest in these kind of projects. Be sure to mention at which university you are studying - the reputation of your program can open doors for you, too! By proving you have an understanding of the technical jargon - and holding up your end of the conversation with correct use of the same - your clients should be able to see past your pretty face and into the intelligent mind that resides within.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.