Marital Stress On The Mend Thanks To A Tazi Suggestion!

Dear Tazi:

I want to thank you for the advice you gave about “Fred” and his Elf of the Shelf antics. You told the letter writer if Fred’s forgetfulness about lowering the toilet seat was “the biggest problem in her marriage” she should consider herself lucky. Your advice has me looking at my marriage in a whole new way.

My husband of seven years, “Barry”, is a plumber. This is the second marriage for both of us, so we are not young kids with stars in our eyes. Every day Barry returns home from work and his clothes are filthy, smelly, or otherwise in need of laundering. Barry does his best to aim for the laundry hamper when changing, but misses almost every time. He claims that when he gets home from work all he wants to do is toss off his clothes and relax; that he spends the greater part of his day kneeling under sinks, next to toilets, or working on underground pipes and the last thing he wants to do is bend over to pick his laundry up off of the floor. He feels that the fact that he makes an effort should count for something.

Barry’s attitude would annoy me to no end, especially since I am a busy stay-at-home Mom (we both have custody of our teenage children) who works hard to keep the house clean and presentable, in addition to everything else that must be done to keep the household running smoothly. I had reached the point where I was ready to blow my stack with him when my mother forwarded me a link to your Elf on the Shelf on the toilet letter. I showed the letter to Barry and asked if this was what was becoming of us – were we turning into a couple who fought against each other instead of with each other?

Thanks to your column, Barry and I had a long talk. He felt that I did not appreciate how hard he worked and how achy his muscles were when he returned home; I felt that he was being disrespectful of how hard I worked to keep the house looking nice for him. Together, we talked through our aggravation and have been working on improving our relationship, working with each other instead of against each other. It has only been six weeks, but Barry’s “aim” has greatly improved and he is even keeping a score-sheet to record how many “points” he scores. Turning this chore into a game has improved both of our moods, and should Barry lapse I remind myself, as I pick up his clothes without complaint, that my marriage could have much bigger problems. Our children have all noticed the difference in our attitudes, and have commented on how much happier we seem since starting “Laundry Basketball” and have suggested other “games” to make the drudgery of chores fun.

Thank you, Tazi!

Sincerely,
Happily Married The 2nd Time Around

Dear Happily Married The 2nd Time Around:

I am so happy to hear that my column assisted you through your marital stress! It is rewarding to know that my little kitten self played a small part in helping you with the heavy lifting of improving your relationship with your husband. I am purring all over!

I like to think Vince Lombardi came back as a cat

Please spread the word that www.asktazi.com is the place to go for advice, entertainment, and a little break from your own reality!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Memory Can Be Compensated For With A Few Small Tricks

Dear Tazi:

I have a horrible habit of losing things. Car keys, sunglasses, my wallet – even my car at the mall! I usually manage to find whatever I am missing, and it is generally in the strangest places (sunglasses in the freezer; my wallet in the glove compartment of the car; my car keys in the linen closet).

My most recent loss is the dearest of all. I have misplaced my wedding and engagement rings, and I cannot find them anywhere! I have checked all of the usual places, but to no avail. I remember taking it off to wash the dishes, so I took apart the pipes to make certain it had not gone down the drain (it did not). I checked the dish towel on the counter, but my ring was not wrapped in that; I checked the laundry hamper but it was not there, either. My husband has asked me why I am not wearing my rings, and I told him my fingers are swollen from the humidity (I live in the Midwest and we are experiencing a brutal heat-wave). My excuse is plausible, so he has not asked any more questions, but I hate lying to my husband!

Tazi, do you have any suggestions on how to improve my memory; as well as any suggestions as to where I should look for my rings?

Snuggles to you,
Forgetful Frannie

Dear Forgetful Frannie:

Has it occurred to you that your husband may have already found your rings and is holding them, waiting for you to admit to him that you misplaced them? This could explain why your rings have seemingly disappeared into thin air. I appreciate the snuggles, so I will not chide you too harshly about lying to your spouse; no paw slaps for you, just a gentle nudge in the right direction. I suggest that you tell your husband the truth and search together for your missing rings. You may be surprised to find them in your husband’s sock drawer.

As for your problem with memory and the odd places your belongings finally show up, your problem is not an uncommon one. Some people’s brains are hard-wired differently, and to them it makes perfect sense to put the car keys in the freezer. Many of us (on more than one occasion) have accidentally thrown food in the trash can and put garbage in the refrigerator. This is an example of misfiring synapse that occurs when our brains are over-stimulated as we attempt to multi-task.

You ask for suggestions on how to improve your memory, and I unfortunately have none. Difficulties with the brain are notoriously difficult to solve. I can suggest that, when you lose something, you start your search for it by looking in all of the unusual places. Once you find your lost item, write down the location where you found it and post the note to your refrigerator door. If you lose things as often as you imply, you should have a nice sized list in no time at all and will be able to see if there is a pattern to your behavior. Do you frequently put the car keys in the freezer? If so, this should be the first place you look for them; ditto with other items that show a regular location pattern. In a short enough time you should be able to quickly find your misplaced items – with the exception of your car at the mall. I suggest you write down the section where your car is parked, and put the note where you will not lose it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Fear Of Wednesdays Is Controlling Reader's Life

Dear Tazi:

My whole life I have had a problem with Wednesdays. If something bad is going to happen to me, it happens on a Wednesday. Would you like to hear a few examples? I have been in two car accidents in my life and both occurred on a Wednesday; when my husband left me he left on a Wednesday; my father died on a Wednesday; and last Wednesday I got fired from my job – for taking too many Wednesdays off of work!

Tazi, is it possible that this one day of the week is cursed for me? I have considered counseling to get over my fear of bad things happening on Wednesdays, but I am afraid that would just leave me unprepared for all of the bad things that are in store for me on Wednesdays. Do I need help? Or is my fear of Wednesdays healthy?

Signed,
Wednesday-Phobic

Dear Wednesday-Phobic:

It does seem that Wednesday holds bad luck for you, so I am printing your letter on a Wednesday in hopes that this little bit of happiness brings cheer to an otherwise feared day!

I can see why your employer fired you for taking too many mid-week vacation/sick/unpaid leave days during the middle of the week – but to fire you on a Wednesday? Did you receive any kind of warning that the next time you called out on a Wednesday you would be immediately terminated? If so, then you had a fair warning that something bad was going to happen on a Wednesday and could have prevented it from occurring. This is the key to avoiding bad luck: preparing for it.
If all bad things occur on a Wednesday, you must ask yourself if you are somehow inviting them to occur on that day. The fact that your husband left on a Wednesday is odd indeed. Most people who choose to separate from their spouses wait until the weekend to pack and leave. Could it be that your husband thought a Wednesday leave date would soften the blow of his departure, since you expected something bad to occur that day anyway?

There are those who scoff at the power of positive – and negative – thinking, but there are also those who swear by it; I fall somewhere in between, believing that it offers some control over what occurs in our lives. For example, in the wee hours of the morning, I know that if I stare at Mommie long enough and concentrate hard enough she will wake up and get me a kitty treat! Of course, if this does not work I am also positive that a good, loud, me-OWWWWWW will get her attention and me a treat.

Rather than approach life with a fear of Wednesdays try to look at the day as a challenge to be overcome. Professional counseling would be a very good idea to help you with coping mechanisms for when bad things do happen, and will help you to understand that the timing of some events (car accidents, your father’s passing) is simply coincidental and has nothing to do with a particular day of the week being “cursed”.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Celebrate World Cat Day With Tazi-Kat!

Dear Readers:

Today is World Cat Day, a day to celebrate cats and all that we do for you humans! For example, do you think anyone could make you feel as insignificant as a cat can make you feel? This is just one of the many services a cat provides (we keep you humble!) and one of the many feline-esque accomplishments that we celebrate today!

Much ado has been made about cats throughout history, from ancient myth to modern literature. Popular author Lillian Jackson Braun (1913 - 2011) will forever be remembered in the hearts of cat lovers for her charming Cat Who…series, about two Siamese cats who assist their human companion in solving mysteries. For those who prefer talking cats, Shirley Rousseau Murphy writes the Joe Grey Mysteries, about a large grey tom-cat and his lady friend who have the ability to talk (a secret that is poorly kept from their human companions). Lloyd Alexander (1924 - 2007, of The Black Cauldron fame) sets aside medieval fantasy for fantasy of a different sort in The Town Cats and Other Tales and then there is T.S. Eliot’s (1888 - 1965) Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, the inspiration for the Broadway musical CATS!

Oh! How could I forget about Mrs. Murphy, the mystery solving cat that is the star of Rita Mae Brown and Sneaky Pie's books! Sneaky Pie is my hero, having co-authored every one of the Mrs. Murphy mysteries! No, I have not forgotten the most famous cat of all, Dr. Seuss’ (1904 - 1991) The Cat in the Hat; I just saved him for last because he gives me the creeps! (To those who have read the book: don’t you agree that that babysitter should be fired?). Are there any more famous literary cats that I am forgetting? Please mention them in the comments section below!

In addition to being literary rock stars, cats have had to fight the bad rap we get through superstition. Ailurophobes (that’s a person with a fear of cats) will tell you that a black cat is bad luck; that all cats will suck a baby’s breath because they are jealous of the new arrival; and that we are all familiars of witches! Not true! It was during the dark ages that people stopped worshiping us cats as supreme beings and associated us with evil – something to do with us liking the dark and having glowing eyes and having the ability to scream like a demon and…okay, I get it! I guess we cats can be scary!! Since I have come to realize that people love a good superstition (or explanation of folklore), here is a list of “catty beliefs” for your reading pleasure:

• In Norse mythology, cats were believed to have great influence on the weather. Cats were thought to cause storms (which is crazy, because everyone knows we hate rain!). The dog, an attendant of the storm king Odin, was a symbol of wind. Cats came to symbolize down-pouring rain, and dogs to symbolize strong gusts of wind; thus the saying "it's raining cats and dogs"! (Snopes.com will give you the truth on the thatched-roof “folklore” story!)

• The expression “Cat got your tongue?” has a particularly gruesome origin: during the ancient years of the Middle Eastern cultures, a sometimes punishment for prisoners was to have their tongue cut out of their mouths and fed to the King’s cats.

• Sailors used cats to predict the outcome of voyages. Loud caterwaulers predicted a stormy voyage. A playful cat meant a safe passage. They also believed that to throw a cat overboard was to guarantee stormy weather, so they always kept their ship’s cats happy and well-fed – and away from the rails!

• A bride will have a happy and successful marriage if a black cat sneezes near her on her wedding day (Note to Mommie: don’t leave me behind if that day should ever come!)

• In many cultures, cats are symbols of fertility! Some cultures put a cat in a cradle and give it to a newlywed couple to ensure the birth of children.

• In the Dark Ages, a live cat was buried in the foundation of a house to ensure good luck to its inhabitants (not so lucky for the cat, though, huh?).

• In America, it is bad luck if a black cat crosses your path and good luck if a white cat crosses your path. In Great Britain, it is just the opposite! (This might explain why the British love my column!).

• Once upon a time, people believed that cat’s blood cured all ailments. (This could explain Charlie Sheen’s claims of “tiger’s blood”).

• In Transylvania, if a cat jumps over a corpse, the corpse will become a vampire!


• A medieval superstition states that a cat sitting on top of a tombstone meant that the dearly departed was actually possessed by the Devil

• Another medieval superstition states that two cats fighting on a gravestone are an archangel and a demon, fighting for possession of the soul

• Legend has it that Mohammed cut off the sleeve of his robe rather than disturb his cat from resting on it. (Are you listening, Mommie?)

• A Thai legend states that cats guarding a sacred temple from Burmese invaders saved the temple treasures by hooking their tails together in a circle and refusing to allow anyone to pass.

I hope you have enjoyed this list; feel free to pass it on to others, and always remember that “Cats are cats...the world over! These intelligent, peace-loving, four-footed friends – who are without prejudice, without hate, without greed – may someday teach us something”. –James Macintosh Qwilleran (via The Cat Who Saw Stars, by Lillian Jackson Braun)

HAPPY WORLD CAT DAY TO ALL!
Snuggles,
Tazi

Gracious thanks to fellow blogger Maya Lynn Lincoln for reminding my Mommie of this important holiday!

Professional acknowledgement to the Dictionary of Superstitions, by David Pickering.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #5: Thoughts On Reading (Part I)

Happy Sunday Readers! Today I share my thoughts on reading! I won't bore you with introductory blather - today I get right down to business by bringing you Issue #5 of

Tazi's Corner
Life As Your Pet Sees It!
Something only a few people know about my Mommie is that she practices her professional speaking voice by reading aloud to me. I snuggle in her lap and hear whatever story she happens to be reading. On one recent day it was The Running Man by Richard Bachman/Stephen King and I was startled out of my lull by a jarring sentence: “Who reads anymore?” Who reads anymore, indeed! It seems that we are so tied up with our electronics (even books are electronic now!) that the question – written over thirty years ago in a setting that takes place in our near future – had an eerie sense of omniscience.

Who reads anymore, indeed? This week’s passing of literary giant Gore Vidal brought out the painful truth, as Facebook flooded with regret of the passing of the world’s most famous hairstylist. For the record, they were thinking of Vidal Sassoon, who passed away this past May. Here to explain the difference is my dear friend Derek P. of North Carolina:

Friend of Derek P.: OMG, Gore Vidal just died - I LOVED his shampoo!!

Derek P.: That’s Vidal Sassoon you idiot.

Friend of Derek P: Oh - I get them confused ALL the time.

Derek P.: Yeah I can see why - Gore Vidal is a GAY WWII Vet, Brilliant Writer, Activist and Politician!! While Vidal Sassoon was a STRAIGHT guy who was famous for being a hairdresser!!

I’d give those who confused the two men a Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust, but I think the Gay Verbal Beotch-Slapping just administered will suffice.

Now that I have dispensed with the formalities, the question of the day remains: What makes a book a classic? What do some books have that make generation after generation identify them to the point where even people who do not enjoy reading enjoy them. What is it about these books that make people who have no time to read find the time to read them? What is it about their appeal that makes Hollywood turn these books into movies, giving them an even greater following? As a writer, one who seeks fame and fortune enough to make it onto Page Six of the New York Post, these are questions to which I need answers. Is there anybody out there who can give them?

A part of me would guess it is because we can relate their storylines to our everyday lives; but then I wonder: Who exactly can relate to the Marquise de Merteuil of Les Liaisons Dangereuse and why are they walking free? (For those unfamiliar with the book or the movie version of it, Dangerous Liaisons, it was modernized into the Reese Witherspoon movie Cruel Intentions, with Ms. Witherspoon in the Marquise de Merteuil role). Which of us would ever put up with the meddling ways of Jane Austen’s title character Emma? Amusing as her matchmaking is in the book, which of us would put up with it in real life? (For those of you unfamiliar with the book Emma, you can rent the Gwyneth Paltrow movie based on the book). I am not even going to touch The Scarlet Letter by Nathanial Hawthorne (and played marvelously by Demi Moore in the movie version). If we read as a form of escape, why would we wish to be faced with our own shortcomings through the printed word?

Several years ago Nintendo DS (yes, the video game people; ironic, huh?) came out with a list of 100 Must Read Classic Books. In looking through it, my Mommie realized she had read about eighty of them; starting with Little Women (#1) when she was a child, home sick with the flu, and finishing with Treasure Island (#90), a college reading assignment. When she heard that the average person has only read six books on the list, it made her very sad. Why were people not reading these wonderful stories? There is more to books than Twilight and Harry Potter! Simply put, a child’s childhood is not complete without exposure to Long John Silver (the literary character, not the fast-food restaurant); Christmas is not complete without a reading of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. As awesome as I find Muppet Treasure Island (Mommie has a crush on Tim Curry!) and A Muppet Christmas Carol (Michael Caine at his best!) the levity of the performance leaves behind the deep emotional connection that occurs with the printed word. Perhaps this is what makes a book a classic: It brings about an emotional connection between the reader and the story; one that must be shared, and can be shared across generations. Mommie’s favorite book collections are C.S. Lewis’ The Chronicles of Narnia and J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings; she gave copies of both to the boys she used to babysit, now college students, and one of her cherished memories was the look on their faces when they received them: Pure unadulterated joy.

A good book is timeless! Do your part to pass on the wonder to a new generation!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. If this column sounds a bit truncated,m that is because it is! Come back next week for Part II of this column, when I will present Tazi’s List of 39 Must Read Modern (and Not So Modern) Classics!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Elderly Reader Has Something To Say!

Dear Tazi:

I am 91 years old and have seen a lot on my day! During my lifetime wars have been fought, women have been granted suffrage, a Civil Rights movement was begun, computers were invented, a man landed on the moon, and so much more! I am truly surprised we don’t have flying cars by now!

During my lifetime I married, birthed seven children and buried two of them; along with two husbands, both of whom left me widowed. I am financially comfortable thanks to prudent investments and modest living. My life has been a blessed one, and I will leave this world with no regrets. I bet you are wondering why I am writing to you, eh, Tazi?

My youngest child, “Mary”, and her children have been after me to move out of my home and into a retirement home. They claim that I am getting too old to live on my own! Tazi, I live in a senior condominium association and am perfectly capable of looking after myself and my neighbors! I do not need some nurse checking in on me all of the time! I think their true goal is to get me to quit smoking (which I would not be able to do in a retirement home) and to take over my condo, since the market is too soft to sell right now. Mary’s youngest is starting college in the fall, and her school is only a half an hours drive from my condo. Mary has “generously” offered to stay in my condo for me and take care of the place once I move out, but I think she is only trying to keep tabs on her girl. Mary is only 48 (she was my surprise baby) so she is far too young to move into my condo community!

My other children (ages 63 – 72) are all looking into their own retirements, and have offered to buy my condo from me if I choose to move, but insist it is my decision to stay or to sell. I want to stay, but Mary is making herself a pain in the behind over it! I’d like to enjoy what years I have left without her constant nagging, but it’s been two years now and she just won’t let up on the matter! Maybe if she sees my letter in print she will get the message:


And I ain't gonna quit smoking, and I ain't gonna stop taking a nip of ginger brandy for when my digestion needs it! I am a gonna continue to eat bacon and eggs and biscuits and gravy, and if I die from it I am a gonna die a happy old woman!

Thank you, Tazi, for letting me have my say! I have enclosed a picture of my Miss Mittens. Isn’t she a cutie?




Signed,
Florida Flo

Dear Florida Flo:

Miss Mittens IS a cutie! If I lived down in Florida, I would have to court her. Do you think she would be interested in a long-distance relationship? Oh, look at me! Acting all lovesick and forgetting your problem! We cats can be self-centered, on rare occasions such as this one!

I really like the fact that you put your message in animated type – it really gets the message across! I do hope that your youngest finally gets it, too. You did not ask for advice, so I will not offer any. I will presume that by 91 years old, you pretty much have life well figured out. God bless you, and thank you for your letter! It had spunk! (And I LIKE spunk!).

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Med School Drop-Out, Divorcee Seeks Advice On Moving On

Dear Tazi:

My life is a mess and I am an idiot for allowing all of this to happen. I am in my late twenties and was in my last year of med school when I failed out after the break-up of my marriage. I was warned not to get married while still in school, that the pressures of marriage and med school were far too much to handle, but my girlfriend wanted to get married NOW, so we did. We were dating for eight years – since high school; we were married exactly six months when she left me. I couldn’t handle the heartbreak, and now I am where I am today – divorced and broke with no future; over $200,000 in student loans; and unemployed. I don’t know if you can offer me any advice that the job counselors haven’t already, but I am hoping you could tell me how to at least try to put my life back together.

Signed,
Drop-Out

Dear Drop-Out:

First let me say that I am happy you have spoken to job counselors; this would have been my first suggestion to you in order to get your life back together. Once you have steady employment with a paycheck that will do more than simply sustain you, you will have to concentrate on paying off your student loans. I suggest that you take 10% of every paycheck and put it towards this burden. While this may sound like a lot, the good news is student loan interest is tax deductable, so be certain to list this when you file your 1040 tax forms at the end of the year and lessen the financial burden to yourself. Six-percent annual interest (the average rate of a Federal student loan) on $200,000 is $12,000 – more than enough to merit the filing of a 1040A as opposed to the ease of a 1040EZ.

Regarding the break-up of your marriage, you have my sympathies. It sounds to me that the pressure to get married overruled your sense of responsibility to put your medical studies first. You mention that you and your girlfriend had been together since high school. Is it possible that she wanted to get married “NOW” because she felt the two of you had grown up and grown apart, and was afraid of losing you? Did she have the desire to marry a doctor more than the desire to marry you? I realize that med school is highly stressful and can put undue pressure on any relationship; but six months is an awfully short time for a marriage to go kaput, especially after an eight year relationship. I suggest that you speak with a mental health counselor to work out the issues that are still haunting you from the break-up of your marriage; it may help to put things in perspective, and assist you in your goal of picking up the pieces and moving forward with your life.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Is A Dog Not A Dog? When It Is A Wolf!

Dear Tazi:

My sister, “Frances” has always been the type to “rescues” animals. I do not mean taking in an occasional stray dog or cat, although she does that, too; I mean going to the pet store and buying up all of the feeder animals (fish, mice, crickets, etc.) and freeing them. Frances also goes to the animal shelter to frequently adopt animals that are there. Thankfully, she lives on a large farm and has room for all of these critters. Frances works as a schoolteacher, and will often teach on the importance of ecological balance and why it is important to treat animals with respect – spay and neuter your dogs and cats; do not keep exotics as pets; and do not abandon animals into the wild. Unfortunately, frances does not always follow her own advice.

This summer, Frances started volunteering as a docent at our local zoo, which sits just outside a wooded area. During one of her shifts she noticed what she thought was a stray dog. She spend several weeks coaxing it to come to her and teaching it to trust her. After she succeeded in doing this, she brought it home to her farm. Tazi, a half-blind moron could tell by looking at this creature that it is more wolf than dog! When I mentioned this fact to Frances, she said that she had managed to tame it, so it must have a good amount of dog in it. I say the creature is dangerous to own and that she should return it to its natural habitat; but Frances refuses, saying it has come to depend on her and that putting it back into the wild is the equivalent of a death sentence.

Where Frances and I live, it is illegal to own a wolf hybrid. I admit the animal has not hurt anyone yet, but I am simply not comfortable with the idea of a wolf living among humans. It is unnatural. However, I cannot find it in my heart to turn Frances in to the animal control; they would see the animal put to sleep, and I do not want that hanging over my head. Do you know of any way to convince Frances of the error of her decision?

Signed,
Animal Lover, Too

Dear Animal Lover, Too:

A wolf is a wolf is a wolf, and the wolf in a wolf-dog hybrid trumps the dog portion of the animal. A wild animal can be tamed to an extent – meaning it can be taught through a system of punishment and reward to live among humans – but it will never be domesticated, which means it will never view a human as its master and its behavior will always remain unpredictable.

Your sister’s new “pet” was born in the wild, which means it will not adjust to domestic living – to try to force this lifestyle on the animal would be cruel and dangerous, not to mention illegal. If the animal was brought in as a pup I might argue differently, but from the sound of your letter this is a full grown wolf-hybrid; it will not adjust to captivity (which is what domestic living is for a wild animal). Furthermore, is your sister lives on or around an operating farm she is putting the lives of the surrounding livestock in very real danger. Even though it is half-dog, Frances’ hybrid will have no qualms about attacking sheep, chickens, and other slow-moving livestock – be it her own or the neighbor’s. Should it be a neighbor’s livestock that is damaged, you can bet that they will have no issue with calling animal control to see your sister’s “pet” put down, and your sister charged with keeping a wild/vicious animal.

The wolf-hybrid your sister has taken in has not lived with her long enough to become acclimated to human presence and regular provisions. It will have no problem readjusting to living in the wild, and I suggest that your sister return the animal to where she found it immediately.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. As for the animals she is "freeing", she is sentencing them to certain death. Feeder animals are bred in captivity, and cannot survive in the wild. Although I am personally against feeding live animals to pets (mice have claws and teeth, and can scratch and injure) their freedom will lead to a much more painful death than being eaten by someone's pet. --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: A Rich History Provides For Friday The 13th Superstition

Dear Readers:

Another Happy Friday the 13th from a black cat! I promise not to bring you bad luck for crossing your path; instead, I bring you the history of this "unlucky" day! This is a re-post from April, so if you missed it - or simply want to enjoy it again - read on!

According to National Geographic, the idea of Friday the 13th being unlucky is believed to be rooted in Norse myth. A dinner party of 12 gods and goddesses was crashed by Loki the god of mischief and chaos, which is exactly what ensued with the death of a favored goddess to follow. Thus the idea that 13 is an unlucky number, and the superstition that "13 at dinner" is an omen that one of the diners will not live out the year.

Furthering the idea that 13 at dinner is bad for your health is the Christian belief that Christ dined with his 12 apostles (setting the table for 13) right before being betrayed by Judas. Coupled with the belief that Christ was crucified the very next day - a Friday - the two events combined create the concept of Friday the 13th being an unlucky day, as is the early Christian belief that Cain killed his brother Abel on Friday the 13th. However, the idea of 13 being an unlucky number actually pre-dates Christianity. The ancient Babylonian code of law, The Code of Hammurabi, actually skips over Code #13' presumably because it is an "unlucky" number. (Some say the ill-fated Apollo 13 space mission would have fared better with a different name).

In the Middle Ages, fears of witches - and their familiars, the black cat - were said to gather in groups of 12; should a 13th appear, it was assumed to be Satan himself.
The idea of Friday the 13th being an unlucky day did not receive wide-spread belief until the 20th century, thanks to the popular culture of the time. In 1907, a businessman and popular author of the time Thomas Lawson wrote a book called Friday the 13th, the plot of which detailed how an unethical businessman tried to crash the stock market. In 1916, the book was turned into a silent film, furthering the idea that Friday the 13th was an evil, unlucky day; and in a case of life achieving a poor imitation of art, many Wall Street traders of the time blamed the 1925 stock market crash on the fact that three Friday the 13th's occurred in that calendar year (see for yourself by clicking on the link). Nonsensical or not, the damage to Friday the 13th was done: according to Time magazine, Friday the 13th holds a record for being the least active day on the stock market and it is estimated that $700 - $800 million dollars are lost every Friday the 13th because people refuse to conduct business or travel on that day. And then, there came Jason Voorhees and his Friday the 13th horror-film franchise...it's enough to give anyone triskaidekaphobia (that's a fance word for a fear of the number 13)!

Courtesy of Time magazine, here are a few Friday the 13th superstitions for you to enjoy - or to beware of...

• If you cut your hair on Friday the 13th, someone in your family will die.
(I'm a short-haired cat, I don't need to worry about this one!)

• A child born on Friday the 13th will be unlucky for life.
(My Mommie has three cousins born on Friday the 13th, and they all seem to be doing quite well...)

• If a funeral procession passes you on Friday the 13th, you will be the next to die.
(Note to self: Avoid mousing in any cemeteries today).

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1879288,00.html#ixzz1ruqLr863

Snuggles,
Tazi the Advice-Giving Black Cat


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Children Only Act As Good As They Are Raised

Dear Tazi:

My sister has four children, two girls and two boys, all under the age of 8. I love my nieces and nephews dearly; what I do not love is the fact that my sister refuses to control them. She claims that children need to be allowed to express themselves freely, that it will help them grow up to be assertive and successful later in life. My problem is that every time they come to visit they scream so loud that it disturbs the peace of my quiet neighborhood. I have tried to calm them down myself, but my sister will intervene and insist that the children are simply expressing their excitement at seeing me.

I have tried to institute a “my house, my rules” policy, but my sister refuses to respect it, claiming that she has the right to raise her children by her rules. She even sends her children to an alternative school that encourages children to behave as they would like, so long as they are not physically harming themselves or another child. I have put up with the bad behavior for so long now that I thought I had learned to just take a Xanax before they arrived, but their last visit was over the top – even for them.

On Father’s Day, I hosted a barbecue for my father. My sister wanted to jointly host it, but since she did not have the time to assist it ended up being just me. I have no problem with this, but my sister did. She was pouty all day because people kept telling me how nice of me it was to host a special party for Dad; because of my sister’s bad mood she paid even less attention to her children than usual. I was busy with my hosting duties and could not keep an eye on them, either. This is how my Bichon ended up covered in bright pink blush; how my late Grandmother’s cut crystal vase ended up shattered; and my Lenox® comforter torn down the center.

I know how rambunctious my sister’s kids can be, so I put my dog in my bedroom so he would not be terrorized by them. I then closed the bedroom door to signify that this room was off-limits, just in case the children jumped over the baby-gate I had put up at the bottom of the stairs that lead up to my bedroom. Any other child would understand that these barriers meant to keep out, but not my sister’s kids! While I was outside serving drinks and my husband was manning the grill these little hellions went straight upstairs to search for my dog. From what they say, they were chasing the dog around the bedroom because they wanted to paint him pink (with my blusher) and the vase accidentally got broken and the comforter accidentally ripped when they chased the dog across the bed. I was livid and my husband, who was even more upset than I was, quietly escorted my sister and her kids to their car and told them not to return until they “learn how to behave like civilized human beings”. My father was kind enough to keep the party going, in spite of the mishaps, so the rest of the guests were none the wiser.

My sister feels that since her children have apologized – and that the damage “was accidental” – that I should accept their apologies and let bygones be bygones. Tazi, I can’t. I just can’t. The comforter was part of a $500 set – I worked overtime for a month in order to earn the money to buy it! The vase was a wedding gift from my Grandmother’s personal collection of Polish crystal, which she had brought over with her from the old country. I will not even go into the trauma they caused my poor dog or the grooming costs to remove the blush from her fur! My father would like to see peace kept within the family, but he has told us that he will not get involved in our “fracas” and that we should do what we feel is in our best interests. I am not sure what to do, Tazi. I know my physical property was just stuff, in spite of its sentimental value; but my dog? That oversteps a line.

Signed,
Frazzled Aunt

Dear Frazzled Aunt:

As backward as this may sound, please do not be angry with the children. I say this because they are all still very young and do not know any better. This is because they have not been raised to know any better. Their mother (and father?) is raising them with few or no boundaries, and they are being sent to a school that encourages the same. You do not mention whether or not you have children, so I will assume you do not. This means that they do not have your children to look to as an example of how to behave when they come over to visit. What they do see is their mother overruling your attempts to discipline them, making you appear to be someone that they do not have to obey.

If you seek to be angry with someone, your sister should be the target. Children should be allowed to express themselves, but not as freely as she is allowing. Children also need structure in order to grow up to be successful and to learn that there is a proper time to be assertive and a proper time to be passive.

I cannot help but wonder if there is something deeper going on between you and your sister. You mention that she wanted to help with the barbecue; was too busy to do so; and then got “pouty” when people complimented you on your efforts. You also mention receiving a precious heirloom as a wedding gift; your sister’s defensive attitude about her parenting; and your father’s champion job in handling the whole situation. If I read between the lines, I get a much clearer picture of a sibling who feels that they do not measure up to you. Your sister could secretly be deriving joy from your misery (the German word for this is schadenfreude, which means to delight in another's misfortune). It appears that your sister is using her children as tools to inflict misery upon you.

The financial damage that your nephews and nieces caused is significant, and you should be reimbursed for damages. I will not suggest that you sue your sister, but you should present her with an itemization of the costs and an explanation as to why she is responsible for them. You can even tell her from me that if she plans on allowing her children to “express themselves freely” wherever they go she will have to get used to paying such bills, and then some. I realize this may cause further enmity between you and your sister, but I am only thinking about what is best for her children. Only when she is held responsible for her children’s behavior will she start teaching them to be responsible which, in the long run, is a lesson that will always serve them well.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. If all else fails, you can file a claim with your homeowner’s or renter’s insurance for reimbursement of your costs. This will not replace the precious heirloom that was destroyed, but it may help drain some of the bitterness you are feeling.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tall, Dark, And Handsome Only Goes So Far...

Dear Tazi:

I am from the Pacific Northwest and my wife is from Northeast Kentucky. We grew up with very different upbringings, and even though we have been married for almost ten years now (together for twelve) I sometimes wonder if she married me because she loved me or because I was an acceptable choice to her family. I say this because I think my wife prefers the forbidden fruit: black men. Where she is from, interracial dating is frowned upon, to put it mildly.

“Beth” gets all excited and claps her hands like a little kid whenever she sees a movie trailer for a show starring Denzel Washington, Samuel L. Jackson, or Will Smith. She exclaims that she “simply MUST see that movie” and begs me to take her on the opening night. I love my wife, and I know how much she loves going to the movies (something she did not get to do growing up, since she grew up poor), so I always oblige her. During the show, she is obviously enjoying the show; but I am not sure if it is because of the plot or who is in it. I have asked Beth why she likes black actors so much, but she just looked at me funny and said that she liked good actors. I dropped the issue with her, but it is still gnawing at my mind. The summer movie season is here, so I have a feeling I will be seeing a lot more of these three men on the big screen. Am I being unreasonable and insecure, Tazi? Or do you think my wife would prefer tall, dark, and handsome to a plain guy like me?

Signed,
Short, Pale, and Average Looking

Dear Short, Pale, and Average Looking:

I had to think about your predicament for a bit, so I decided to take a nap on it. While snuggling into my favorite blanket, the following thought came to me: Is Eddie Murphy on your wife’s list, too? I have to ask because Denzel Washington and Samuel L. Jackson are two of the best dramatic actors in Hollywood today. Rarely do they sign on to a bad script (I will excuse Snakes on a Plane because of its awesome title), so when they headline a movie you can pretty much be guaranteed that the show will be worth the price of admission. Will Smith has proven himself to be an excellent dramatic actor, too (The Pursuit of Happyness; I Am Legend); but has been known to make more that a few bad choices, especially when it comes to comedies (I won’t hold Men in Black II against him, since he was contractually obligated to do it, but what was he thinking with Wild, Wild West?). This brings me to the Eddie Murphy factor:

Once upon a time, Eddie Murphy was an amazing actor. 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, Dreamgirls – drama, comedy, or a combination of the two Mr. Murphy was the best. Then, he made a box-office bomb called The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which is considered one of the biggest box-office flops EVER. In order to compensate for this mistake, Murphy lost his edge and has mostly concentrated on playing Donkey ever since. Therefore, if you wife has included anything recent by Eddie Murphy on her list of must-see movies, I would say that your suspicions are correct. Otherwise, you recommend that you take her at her word. Remember that tall, dark, and handsome only goes so far; it is what's on the inside of the package that counts!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. If Mr. Murphy is reading this, I want you to know that I loved you in Tower Heist! Here's to hoping you're getting your groove back!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Special Announcement From Tazi-Kat!

Dear Readers:

Today I have a special announcement to make; so if you could, please put down your Sunday paper and give me your full attention!


Thank you! As you may or may not know, I have started posting my advice column to BlogHer.com. In addition to enjoying writing my column, I enjoy reading other blogs as well - this is why I write Tazi Recommends... on Sundays, to share the love (we cats are so thoughtful!). However, we cats bore easily; and I have been looking to try my paw at something new but did not know what until I discovered BlogHer. With blogs covering subjects from Food to Feminism there is a niche for everyone - even a little cat like me! With no further ado, I would like to announce that next Sunday will mark the premier edition of

Tazi's Corner
Life As Your Pet Sees It
Why this new direction? Well, what you probably do not know is that my Mommie, who types this column for me, holds more than a degree in Communications. Really, the woman is highly over-educated with an Associates in General Science (Biology/Chemistry) which she has continued to study, resulting in a near-complete Bachelors in Biology; a minor degree in Writing and Rhetoric (she attained a 4.0 GPA in that one!) and yet another degree in Women's Studies, which she is completing this summer. Sitting by her side while she studies all this stuff is me, her beloved cat, learning along with her. I would now like to put my learning to use by writing a commentary blog one day a week, similar to my Special Edition column posted earlier this week.

I would never, ever abandon the main purpose of this blog which (contrary to what some may think) is not pimping out PeopleIWantToPunchInTheThroat.com but answering requests for advice from you humans. Really, how do you manage to get by without an advice-giving kitty of your own? I love answering your letters for advice, but sometimes I want to caterwauler about something that has not been asked.

Since Andy Rooney passed, there has been a definite lack of commentary that encompasses a cat's point of view. I do not dare to even dream of filling the void left by the absence of Mr. Rooney's giant eyebrows, but I would like to try and post my paw-prints on history by writing about issues of human importance - from a cat's point of view, of course! You can't escape my smugness that easily!

I look forward to this new project; and I hope that you do, as well. It's you and me against the world, dear readers - let's attack!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Elf On The Shelf Is Back...And Causing Mischief For One Family

Dear Tazi:

My husband is driving my crazy with his bathroom toilet seat antics! “Fred” has a bad habit of leaving the toilet seat and cover in the up position after use. I have told him that this is gross and unattractive for several reasons: it is unsanitary; it allows the dog to have a drink from his own private “wet bar”; and it tells people exactly what he was doing in there (#1 or #2) based upon the position of the seat. Fred just laughs off my reasoning.

I have tried putting a fancy, rug cover on top of the cover to weigh it down, so it will eventually close on its own, but Fred keeps taking it off and hiding it in various places around the house (last time, I found the cat sleeping in it!). I have tried a cute, embroidered sign that states “Put down the seat, ladies present! A wet behind is most unpleasant!” but Fred refuses to take the hint. Instead, he hung my bikini bottom from the towel rack with a note about “going swimming”.

Fred thinks his antics are funny, but they wear thin very quickly. It is his latest antics that have sent me over the top. Fred decided to dig through the Christmas decorations and pull out our two-year-old daughter’s Elf on the Shelf. Can you see where this is going, Tazi? Thus far, I have caught “Sparkle” holding a fishing pole over the bowl; sitting on the edge of the bowl and wearing a tiny SCUBA mask (Fred found it among my scrap-booking and shadowbox supplies); lounging on the edge of the bowl with a washcloth “beach towel” and more of my beach-themed scrap-booking and shadowbox supplies, including a tiki bar!

The final straw came this morning when I discovered the entire toilet seat missing and Sparkle sitting on the top of the tank, holding a ransom note that demanded “sexy time for Fred” before the seat would be returned. I thank Heavens my daughter is too young to read! Speaking of my daughter, she finds her “Elf’s” behavior to be hysterical and looks forward to seeing what he will do next. I am a busy Mom, and do not have the time to start Elf on the Shelf throughout the year traditions! I do not wish for Fred’s antics to set this precedent. I do want for Fred to start acting like a responsible adult and put the toilet seat and cover down when he is done using it! Do you have any ideas on how to make this happen, Tazi?

Signed,
All Wet

Dear All Wet:

Your daughter named a boy elf “Sparkle”? Do the other elves tease him about this? I’m sorry; this news just sent me a bit off track…on track to your issue – before the Elf “rears” his head again!

The time and effort that Fred is putting into the creativity he is using to annoy you tells me that this issue is more about having the upper hand and less about the placement of the toilet seat. I have to admit your “private ‘wet bar’” comment gave me a giggle, so I can only imagine how much it amused your husband. I am picturing the tiki bar scene now and wondering if I can somehow incorporate a more sanitary version into my family’s Elf traditions.

You are correct in saying that a closed toilet lid is more sanitary. With every flush, droplets of toilet water can spray up to 13 feet – which means your toothbrush might be getting doused with toilet water. Depending on how often you clean/freshen your bowl, you may be getting more than just water on your toiletries. Even if you clean the bowl regularly and use an in-tank germicide, these chemicals will be in the water and entering your pooch’s system every time he takes a drink from his “private ‘wet bar’”. Plus, you do have a point that nobody wants to know what was last occurring behind the closed bathroom door. Personally, I bury my waste so nobody can see what I was doing; humans have a toilet seat lid and a flush to cover evidence of their bodily functions. Both should be used accordingly. This is my ruling on the matter; now onto Fred and his sophomoric but amusing behavior.

It is obvious that Fred does not like to be told what to do; it is also obvious that Fred is enjoying the attention his antics are getting him. Child psychologists sometimes refer to what they call the rule of the broken cookie: to a child, a broken cookie is better than no cookie at all. So it is with attention, with negative attention being better than no attention at all. It appears that your husband is seeking your attention and is doing it in the only way he knows how – by teasing you. By getting to the root of your toilet seat problem you will be able to solve the much bigger issue of why your husband is feeling neglected (the ransom request for “sexy time” leads me to believe he is feeling ignored).

Being the mother of a two-year-old is a very hard and exhausting job and having to clean up after a husband does not make this job any easier. How involved is Fred in your daughter’s life? It is obvious that he enjoys amusing her. Perhaps he could take on some of the chores that involve raising your daughter in order to give you a break – her bath, getting her dressed, assisting with her meals can all be made fun and amusing while freeing you up to do something else, even if that something else is doing absolutely nothing for 20 minutes.

Once you have been relieved of some of the stresses of being a busy Mom, you may feel less resentment towards my next suggestion: put the toilet seat down yourself. Once you change your response to Fred’s behavior, he may start to change his behavior. Every time you see the seat up, pause to ask yourself, “Is this the biggest problem in my marriage?” If the answer is yes, consider yourself blessed and think of all the reasons you love your husband. Then calmly and politely remind him that two-year-olds like to throw stuff like cell phones and TV remotes into the open toilet bowl.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adoption Should Not Be Kept A Secret

Dear Tazi:

Next month is my daughter "Kiri's" birthday. She will be 5-years-old. Next month will also mark the 4th anniversary of the day that I adopted her from a Chinese orphanage. She was only one-year-old when I took her home, so Kiri does not know she is adopted. I know this will sound strange to you, since you do not know me, but I am Asian American so Kiri does not look very different from me. I realize that one day I will have to tell her that she is adopted; do you think she is still too young? Should I wait until she starts asking questions about where she comes from? I was told that her parents were killed in the 2008 Chinese earthquake, only a few days after she was born. Isn't this information a little harsh to tell a young child?

Signed,
Kiri's Mom

Dear Kiri's Mom:

You do realize that not all Asians look alike, right? Because unless you are Chinese American, like your adopted daughter, she has probably already noticed the differences in how the two of you look. Like most parents and children, she will see the similarities between the two of you (dark hair, dark eyes), but you most likely have variant skin tones and facial structures. Although this is not something a 5-year-old can express, it is something they will notice.

My next question for you is, why do you feel the need to keep your daughter's adoption a secret? Her parents untimely demise and the horrors surrounding it, yes, but her adoption? Adoption is a wonderful institution and one should not feel the need to hide the truth about it - especially from the child who has been adopted. Usually when a young child asks about where they came from it means one of two things: it is time to have the "how humans reproduce" talk with them (this usually occurs between the ages of 7 - 10) or they want to know where they were born and/or once lived before living where they are now. I came from the local animal shelter!

If Kiri is not curious about where she came from or why Mommy's face looks different than her own you could institute a new celebration in your home: Adoption Day, to commemorate the anniversary of the day you brought your daughter home. For this first Adoption Day celebration, you can explain to Kiri that she was chosen by you to be your daughter; that you flew halfway around the world to come get her; and that you would go to the ends of the earth to keep her safe and happy. Answer any questions she has with just enough information for her to process, and answer on her level. A 5-year-old processes things differently than adults. If she asks what happened to her real parents, you can say that they are living in Heaven right now, or whatever your spiritual beliefs teach about death.

As Kiri gets older she is bound to have more questions about her birth culture and her birth story. Share with her what you know; research with her what you do not. If possible, contact the orphanage and/or adoption agency you worked with to bring Kiri home to you. In time, Kiri may decide she does not like the idea of celebrating adoption day as it might make her feel different, or she may look forward to it like an additional birthday celebration. Take your cues from Kiri as to how to move forward with any information she seeks, if she seeks any information at all. Know that the longer you wait to tell Kiri she is adopted, the more difficult it will be for her to process this information. I say start sharing this information now, bit by bit until the entire story unfolds.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: A Happy Birthday Wish To Tazi From His Mommie

Dear Readers:

This is "Tazi's Mommie". I am hijacking this space today to wish my cat a very happy birthday! My "little cat" is nine years old today! Where did the years go? It seems like just yesterday he stuck his paw out of that shelter cage and hooked me - literally and figuratively. One look into that adorable kitten - with his paw-claw on my shirt sleeve and his eyes looking up at me - told me I had to take him home. I have no children, so Tazi became my surrogate.

Few of us know the actual birthday of our rescue pets, and I am no exception. According to the vet, Tazi was born sometime in late June. Tazi was born the year my beloved dog Jellybean died, also in late June. I assigned Tazi this birthday to commemorate the day my Jellybean passed - as one life ends, a new one begins; the circle continues.

Although I grew up with pets, Tazi-Kat has brought more joy to my life than I ever imagined an animal could. He is 12 1/2 pounds of snuggles, adventure, and mischief. (He should be 10 pounds of snuggles, adventure, and mischief which is why he is currently on a diet). Whoever said that black cats bring bad luck has never met my Tazi-Kat. He is the most loving cat I have ever met, and I am blessed to be his caretaker and human companion. I would say "owner", but can anyone ever truly own a cat?

Thank you for indulging me on this special day!

"Tazi's Mommie"


Happy Birthday, Tazi!!



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Special Edition: Tazi-Kat Takes On The "Bus Monitor Bullies" (And Their Parents!)

[Ed. Note: The YouTube video referred to is below. Understand that it is included for reference purposes only. The language used in it is very raw and not suitable for polite society].



Dear Readers:

My domestic tranquility has been disturbed by recent events, so I have decided that today I am going to use this forum to address the very serious problem of bullying in schools, specifically American middle schools and junior high schools. As a cat, I have a special understanding of bullying – we are the bullies of the animal world! What other animal will casually jump up on your dining table, stick their head in your plate, and start eating your food – and then scratch you if you dare try to push us away?

I understand the craziness of those teenage years; we have all been there. However, the craziness that prior generations experienced has been compounded by technology. Once upon a time embarrassing incidents reached a limited audience and could be quickly forgotten; now, they are videotaped using smart phones and uploaded to YouTube for the entire world to see. Today, I would like to speak of one particular bullying incident that has been uploaded to YouTube. I think you all know which one I am referring to: the bullied bus monitor, Karen Klein. I am hoping this message reaches those who were on the bus that day – those who participated in the bullying, and those who stood by and did nothing – as well as the parents of those students. This open letter is for them:

Hi! My name is Tazi-Kat, and I write an advice column for humans. I have dealt with many letters on various subjects, from how to hang the toilet paper (over or under) to important parenting issues. Today, I have an important question for you: Are the children in this video the type of person you raised your child to be? If so, this must be your proudest hour, and I congratulate you on reaching your penultimate goal of raising a self-centered bully who puts others down so they can feel good about themselves (or, as PeopleIWantToPunchInTheThroat.com would call them, a [feminine hygiene product] canoe. Yes, I was being kind just now; much worse things are being said about your child. Tell me, how does that make you feel? Offer as many excuses as you would like; I have heard them all before. The truth of the matter is that your child’s behavior rains shame upon you. That ugly, angry feeling you have in the pit of your stomach should be directed inward, not outward; there is no defense for how your child acted.

Your daughter called Miss Karen fat? I would like to see her figure after she has grown up and had a few children of her own. I want to be there when her husband tells her that she needs to lose weight because he no longer finds her sexually attractive and is embarrassed to be seen with her in public. If you think that no man would ever have the stones to do that, think again. I have received several letters on the subject, not just the one linked here. Mothers, maybe you should ask your husband what he honestly thinks of your figure. Or better yet, ask your child or any one of their friends who was on that bus – none of those kids seemed to have a problem with expressing their unvarnished opinions. Or is that kind of truth just too painful for you to hear? You may not be overweight, but I am certain you have some tender insecurities about your looks. How would you like it if your child exploited them for entertainment, and then posted video of it on the Internet? Do you now have an inkling of a clue as to the cruelty your precious child inflicted upon an elderly woman?

Before you say that your child would never have participated in such cruelty, listen closely to the video. Is your child’s voice on it? Is that their laughter? Every mother knows the sound of their own child, so do not try to deny what you are hearing. Even if it is not your child that you hear, all that this means is that he or she sat idly by and watched the abuse take place. Either way, you have done a bang-up job raising such a fine, upstanding young citizen! (I do hope that you understand my sarcasm. I would hate for this message to be lost to abject ignorance).

Speaking of this cruel video – which, in case you have not noticed, is over ten minutes long – I would like to know which child filmed it. Was it your child? I am wondering how you have decided to punish him or her. Please tell me that you have taken away their iPhone, or whatever smart phone they used to document and upload the entire event. Please tell me you have revoked their Internet access for even thinking it was okay to upload this type of filth to the web. Most of all, please tell me that you did not raise your child to be this kind of person. To paraphrase a line from the movie Animal House, inhumane and stupid is no way to go through life.

To those of you who sat and watched the bullying unfold, I have a few questions for you, too. Why did you just sit there? Were you afraid someone would start picking on you? Were you glad to see someone other than you was being bullied for a change? It takes a lot of courage to be a hero; courage that none of you have. Please do not try to defend your reputation now; your cowardice is painfully obvious. As news that you were on that bus travels (and believe me, it will travel) this event will become as painful for you as it was for Miss Karen. The world will know all of you for what you are: cowards and bullies, devoid of character. Care to put that nugget of information on your college application essay? I think that is something admissions counselors would like to know, so don’t try to pass yourselves off as anything different, or try to excuse your behavior as the folly of youth. The world looks poorly upon liars, too.

Last, but certainly not least, I would like to address the person in charge on that bus. No, not the bus monitor; the bus driver. I want to know what, in the name of all that is sacred, were you thinking! Why did you not stop the bus? Were you in a hurry to get home and watch Oprah re-runs? Miss Karen is your co-worker, your partner in keeping order on that bus! You did worse than those who sat back and did nothing – you just kept on truckin’, like nothing was out of order. You disgust me the most of all, because you are supposed to be the adult, yet you acted no better than any of the children in your charge. You could have stopped the abuse; taken names; and reported the incident to the school principal who had disciplinary jurisdiction over the matter. I guess getting home five minutes faster was more important to you than standing up for your co-worker, who was obviously raised during a time when women were taught to take the abuse rather than stand up to it. Your behavior perpetrates the cycle of abuse that needs to end. How does it feel to be a part of the problem? I hope your employer and union boss both remember this incident when it comes time to renew your contract.

I am fairly certain that my words will not reach the ears of those who need to hear them, and that even if they do those involved will probably fail to recognize their part in this travesty. However, just in case this letter does reach you, I want you to know that even in my anger I have remained relatively kind towards you; telling it like it is without the use of obscenities or sexual slurs (but only because I advertise a family-friendly column). I have said my piece, and am done. The rest of the world is prepared to spend the rest of your lives judging you, and the court of public opinion can be a lot harsher than I have been here. If you think I am exaggerating, think again. Thanks to that YouTube upload, your actions will be haunting you for the rest of your life. For Miss Karen’s sake, I hope that none of you ever decide to run for President while she is still alive because she does not need to relive the horror of that video being played over and over during your campaign, a tool of your opponent to remind the world of who you are and what you did. As it is, I am sure Miss Karen will be reliving the horror of it every day for a long time. The world can be a cruel place, but you do not need me to tell you that. I have a feeling you are about to find out on your own just how much the world hates someone who picks on a Grandma.

I hope that the $500,000+ in donations that Miss Karen has received, offered to finance a well-deserved retirement, is a reminder to her of the kindness of strangers; not the cruelty of acquaintances.

Extra Snuggles to Miss Karen; Paw-Slaps of Disgust to the rest of you (with my claws out),
Tazi
















Photo courtesy of ICanHasCheezeburger.com


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Texas Hold 'Em Player Has Big Dreams Of Success On The Circuit

Dear Tazi:

When I read your letter about the guy who has been hustling pool for a living I knew that I had to write to you. My boyfriend, "Buddy", has decided to quit college and try his hand on the Texas Hold 'Em Poker circuit. I will admit that Buddy is good, but could he be good enough to go pro?

Buddy learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em after pledging his fraternity last year and has been hooked ever since. He quickly abandoned his academic curriculum in favor of courses that improved his poker game - a lot of math classes, a lot of psychology classes, and other courses like Statistics that have helped him to strategize and read people but that will not lead to a degree. Over the semester break this past winter, Buddy started competing in the Texas Hold 'Em tournaments held at the local casinos, and he did very, very well. He has made quite a deal of money, as well as a name for himself, playing cards. However, this success has not been without cost. Every weekend without fail he is in a tournament, which means less time for us to be together. Plus, these tournaments are high stakes, which means he must reinvest a good portion of his winnings, so he never has any money to do anything else after his rent and other expenses are paid. If Buddy were to take this show on the road, I can foresee these issues growing even larger.

I do not wish to sound selfish, because I honestly am concerned about Buddy's future and what is best for him - and I believe that finishing college and settling down are what is best for him! How can I get him to see this?

Signed,
Poker Widow

Dear Poker Widow:

Are you certain that you are interested in what is best for Buddy? Because it certainly sounds like you are interested in what is best for you. You complain that his poker tournaments keep him occupied (read: away from you) on weekends and that the cost of them requires him to reinvest his winnings into the next game instead of into stuff for you. At least, this is what I see when I read in between the lines.

Texas Hold 'Em is a game that requires a combination of skill and luck. The classes that Buddy is taking to improve his game are not easy classes. Psychology and Statistics? Please put me out of my misery...now!

Caption courtesy of 1 Corinthians 15:55
Photo courtesy of www.icanhascheezeburger.com
However, Buddy has made an intelligent choice if he is taking these classes to improve his card playing. Once he masters the art of card counting (which he can easily learn through the study of statistics) and the art of reading another player's physical cues and tics (through the study of human psychology) all that is left up to fate is the luck of the draw, after which he can continue to bid or decide to fold. His chances of making the correct choice will have improved exponentially, though, thanks to his education. Quite honestly, it sounds to me like Buddy has made a career choice and is choosing to follow that path. Competing on the poker circuit is not for everyone, and it can be a hard life full of stress and lacking loved ones; but this is Buddy's choice to make, not yours.

You do not say how long you and Buddy have been together or how serious the two of you are; if Buddy's parents are in the picture and if have any influence over him, or if they approve of his decision - should they even know about it. If you are concerned about losing Buddy or trying to decide if you would want to break up with him should he choose the circuit over you, this is the discussion you need to be having - not the one where you act like his mother and tell him what is best for his future.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Interracial Dating Is Still A Hot Topic For Many

Dear Tazi:

I am in an inter-racial relationship. I am a black woman dating a white man, and my family would [poop] Frisbees if they knew! My father grew up down in the deep South, and just because he now lives in a more progressive state does not mean he is any more progressive than when he lived in Alabama. He hates white people like the Lord hates the Devil. My girlfriends all support my decision to date "Neil" because they know how hard it can be to find a brother who doesn't have a record, a disease, or thirty children by eleven different baby mamas (Yeah, I read that story in the paper. Pathetic!). The black men who do work hard, are educated, and treat their women right are all dating white women, so I figure if one of their men is interested in me, I'm going to give him a shot. That shot was Neil, and he is a wonderful man.

My question for you, little cat, is how should I go about introducing Neil to my family? My Mama is okay about white people, she just doesn't trust them right away. My brother would probably laugh at how I have flipped the script, but Daddy is not going to take it well at all. Neil keeps asking me when he can meet my family, and I don't want him thinking I am not ready because I don't love him. I'm just not ready because I'm afraid Daddy's going to chase him out of the house with a shotgun.

Signed,
Mimosa

P.S. You recently asked what it meant to be the "ace boon kitty". It's a good thing, little cat. It means you are the original and the coolest and the friend that someone wanna ice cold chill with!

Dear Mimosa:

Wow! Thank you for letting me know what the "ace boon kitty" is! I appreciate it. I never know what teenage slang means, since there are no teenagers in my prowling territory. From the sound of your letter, your Daddy does not want any white guys prowling through your territory!

Living up North, I have never experienced the culture of the Deep South, but I have met people who have grown up there. While I stress that 99.9% of the people I have met have been absolute angels, there are a few who are still fighting the Civil War (or as they call it, the War of Northern Aggression). I get the impression that these are the type of white people that your Daddy grew up around, instilling a sense of hatred for anyone lighter than the color of a toasted marshmallow (mmmmm...toasted marshmallows!).

Since you are certain of your feelings for Neil, I would suggest that you introduce him first to your brother, then to your Mama - preferably on separate occasions. By handling things this way, you will be taking the stress off of Neil (it can be panic-inducing to meet someone's whole family all at once) and allow your family the chance to get to know him in a more relaxed setting. Once your family has gotten to know Neil, someone - or all of you, if you prefer - can have a sit-down talk with your father. Your Mama and your brother can explain to your father than Neil is wonderful man who treats you well and makes you happy and is everything a Daddy hopes for in the man who wins his daughter's heart. After that, you can break it to him that Neil is white.

I do not expect your father to take this news very well, so let him let off whatever steam he needs without trying to calm him down (so long as he does not turn violent). Once your father has calmed enough that he will hear you when you speak, tell him exactly what you told me: that you were looking for a good, responsible man with strong prospects for a successful future. Let him know that Neil's skin color is not something he can control; and that you fell in love with what is on the inside, not the outside wrapping. Remind your Daddy that if the situation were reversed and you were to meet Neil's parents, wouldn't he want them to be accepting of you? Then, hope your Daddy understands that your choice of partner means no disrespect to him, that the heart wants what the heart wants.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I do hope that you do not have to make the difficult choice between Neil and your Daddy. I have seen this happen to the people that I love. Let's just say that there were no winners; only losers.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Late Is Too Late To Pick-Up A "Special Order"?

Dear Tazi:

Almost three years ago, I put some decorative hardware on order at a local, family owned hardware store. Because the items were a special order, I had to put down a deposit of 50% of the total cost of the merchandise. At the time I was making good money and had decided to extravagantly redecorate my entire home, so even though the hardware was rather pricey I did not blink at the cost. The items were backordered from the supplier for three months, but I felt the items were worth the wait.

During the three months I was waiting for my order to arrive, I was unexpectedly laid off from my high-paying job and my mother got sick and I had to use my savings to assist with her medical expenses. It was a rough three months. When I received the call that my decorative hardware had arrived, I was too embarrassed to tell them I did not have the money so I told them I would be in shortly to pick up my items, figuring I would save up for the balance owed and complete my redecorating project since the hardware I ordered was the finishing touch.

It took me almost six months, but between what was left of my savings, my unemployment benefits, and a reimbursement check from the health insurance I did manage to save the $1500 dollars still owing. Then my car dropped its transmission and I had to use the money to pay for repairs. Fast forward through my long stretch of unemployment and low paying temp jobs until I finally got a job that comes close to (but does not match) my former salary and here we are today – three years later!

Tazi, I am very embarrassed about this whole situation, but would like to pick up my decorative hardware just the same. Do you think the store would still have it? I did make a rather large deposit on it. If the store sold or returned my special order, do they owe me a merchandise credit for the money I put down on the order? For the first few months they made several phone calls to let me know my order was waiting, but they never told me what would happen if I did not pick it up within a certain amount of time. You seem to be a knowledgeable kitty; do you know if it’s too late to pick up my decorative hardware or to get a merchandise credit equal to my deposit?

Signed,
To Heck and Back

Dear To Heck and Back:

It does sound like you have been through quite an ordeal! You must also be in love with this decorative hardware to be willing to pay the $1,500 balance owing on it! Laws differ from state to state, with property being considered abandoned from anywhere between 30 days and one year, depending on the item. It has been my experience, though, that most businesses will not just take your money and run. They will hold onto the item for as long as possible, if storage space allows for it; try to sell the item, if there is interest in it; or return it to the manufacturer, often paying the cost of return shipping and a 10% - 25% restocking fee, all of which could eat up your 50% deposit.

I ran your letter by John M., an employee a local family-owned hardware store that has been in business for over 90 years (so they have seen EVERYTHING!). I was told that when a customer special orders something they do their best to honor that order. If the item was to be paid for in advance, they will hold onto it “forever” because the customer owns it, and they will do their best to make sure the customer is aware that it is still there, often calling months or sometimes years after the item has been ordered. John added that a 50% down payment is significant, and they will usually hold the item until it is picked up. As a hypothetical, he added that if the item was sold to another person for full cost, the original deposit should be honored if the customer wishes to reorder; however, if the price of the item has increased the customer will be responsible for paying the price difference.

It looks as though your chances are pretty good that your decorative hardware is still waiting for you! In talking with John, he reassured me that you should not feel embarrassed about your situation that these things happen. You will not be required to give a reason why you are so late in picking it up, so you need not fear anything. Personally, I think the store would be grateful that you have finally come to retrieve your order – in addition to the balance of the sale they will be getting back some very valuable storage space.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi Recommends: Blog Her

Dear Readers:

Last week I opened my email box only to get torn a new one by several Moms, after having recommended Blossom Bunkhouse. As one reader put it, the site was "absurd" and "an insult to hard-working Moms everyone". Another reader said, "Like I am not busy enough running around trying to keep my household running, I am now supposed to find the time to undertake 'Elf' projects for every occasion?" (I believe this one was a reference to St. Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day Elf projects/spoofs). Mea culpa! Not having children of my own (or maybe I do...I wasn't neutered until after I was adopted off the streets) I was unaware of how many hot-buttons a site like Blossom Bunkhouse would push. Have pity on the kitty? Please? Because this week I am recommending

Blog Her
sponsored by The BlogHer Publishing Network

What do I love about Blog Her? In a word, everything. It is a site about women, for women, by women. On Blog Her you will find dozens of blogs on topics of both interest and concern to women of all walks of life. There are serious articles on News and Politics and fun style suggestions on how to dress like Sarah Palin (think what you want about her, she does have some nice clothes!). There are blogs on Career, covering current issues like the fact that a woman has not moderated a general-election Presidential debate in 20 years as well as blogs offering career advice like How to Be a Good Supervisor (Without Really Trying). In fact, there are blogs on every topic imaginable - and as an advice columnist, I can imagine a LOT of topics! Especially the topical How Do You Keep Blogging With Hate Comments? (Yes, as adorable as I am, I get my share!)

Blog Her offers thousands of blogs, including my favorite People I Want To Punch In The Throat, which is being honored at this year's Blog Her Conference in New York City (and no, I have not been paid or promoted to say that! I am honestly love this blog as much as its writer loves Tina Fey. Maybe even more...).

If I can figure out how to post on Blog Her, I may start publishing this column through the site myself...stay tuned, and in the meantime check out Blog Her! I am off to try and find where my Mommie hid my treats - darn woman went and put me on a diet!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.