Photographer Friend Is Guest First, Professional Second

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional photographer, and my problem is probably as old as photography itself. As you may have already guessed, my issue is with friends assuming that I will photograph their event for free as a "gift". In the market where I work, a good photographer can make upwards of $1,000 per event, so to offer my services as a gift would be extremely generous, and I have learned to be up front with these requests, explaining to my friends that I would prefer to attend the event as a guest as opposed to a contractor. Most of them get the message.

This summer promises to be a busy time for me. So far, I have paying events booked every weekend through the end of September, with very few days off. I am not complaining, and am appreciative of the work; I mention this because it has to do with the reason I am writing to you. My ex-sister-in-law "Shari" is getting re-married this June. Her divorce from my brother was a bitter one, but she and I have remained close for the sake of their young children.

Several months ago, Shari asked me if I would photograph her wedding as a gift, and I gave her my standard reply - that I would rather attend the event as an invited guest as opposed to a contractor. Shari gave me a deadpan look in response and told me that my presence as a guest would be "inappropriate" since I am the sister of her ex-husband. I was taken aback by her abruptness, and more than a little hurt that she would ask me for such an expensive wedding gift in one breath, and in the next make it clear to me that I would not be welcome as a guest. I wiggled my way out of the situation by telling Shari that I was probably already booked for that weekend, and would get back to her - which, to my shame, I never did. Both of us let the matter drop. At least, I thought we did.

This week an invitation to Shari's wedding came in the mail, along with a hand-written request that I bring my camera to photograph the event. I am not certain how to respond. Do I ignore this obvious attempt to coerce me into photographing Shari's wedding for free? R.S.V.P. that I will be attending without my camera? R.S.V.P. that I will attend, but make no mention that I will not be bringing my camera? Ignore the back-handed invite altogether? To be honest, my young nephew and niece are the only reason I have not written Shari out of my life at this point. As luck would have it, I am free the day of her wedding.

Signed,
Camera Shy

Dear Camera Shy:

If Shari were a man I would say that she has balls the size of the Trojan horse to send such a crass message in your "unvitation" to her wedding! I have heard of Bridezillas before, but Shari has truly gone the extra mile in her obvious attempt to secure your professional services free of charge. Her attempts at soliciting your services as a gift was crass enough; but to turn around and tell you that your presence as an invited guest would be inappropriate truly takes the three-tiered cake!

As tempted as you must be to ignore the invitation to Shari's wedding, refusing to R.S.V.P. is never in good taste; I suggest that you resist the urge to throw it into the circular file and forget about it. If I were you, I would send my regrets that I am unable to attend the wedding and include a hand-written note wishing Shari and her husband all the best in their new life together. If you wish to send a gift, that will be up to you. Perhaps you could offer your services to provide a bridal portrait sitting for Shari and her children? If you actually wish to attend this wedding, I would strongly advise against it, as it is pretty obvious that you are not welcome without your camera. I wish her luck in finding a photographer at this late date.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. A big paws up to you for remaining an active Auntie to your nephew and niece!

("") ("")
(These are supposed to be my paws!) --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Don't Be A Tool; Treat Others Property With Respect

Dear Tazi:

I love my wife with all my heart, and would not trade her for the world. That said, I do have one problem with her: she has a tendency to use my expensive tools improperly.

I work as a contractor, so I have a very well appropriated workshop that is full of specialized tools. My screwdrivers and such may look like something you can pick up at the local Home Depot or Sears, but trust me when I tell you they are quite specialized. I have tried to explain this to my darling wife, but she does not seem to understand that a screwdriver cannot do double duty as a hammer simply by using the opposite end of it. Last week she could not find a staple remover, so she grabbed my chrome-plated awl to do the job. I know because she forgot to put it away and I found it in the office among a pile of twisted staples.

Like I said, Tazi, I love my wife dearly and would never, ever purposely say or do anything to hurt her, but after several years of putting up with this quirk of hers I am reaching the end of my rope! Do you have any suggestions on how to get her to leave my stuff alone?

Signed,
Handy Smurf

Dear Handy Smurf:

I have always wondered finally who won Smurfette's heart - Handy Smurf or Hefty Smurf. Smurfette never did strike me as the do-it-yourself type, so you two must make a pretty good match. (Okay, I know that you aren't really a mythical blue creature, I just could not resist!).

I am sorry to hear that your wife has been digging around in your toolbox and taking things. Have you considered maybe buying her a set of inexpensive tools all her own? Many manufacturers make a variety of tools for around the home that are designed with women in mind (you can even get them in pink, so they will never be confused with your tools).

If purchasing your wife tools exclusively for her use does not alleviate the problem, might you consider putting a lock on your toolbox so she cannot get into it? Normally, I am adverse to having one spouse keep their things locked away from the other; but tools, when used improperly, can cause serious and permanent injuries. You can think of it as an investment in her health, the health of your tools, and the health of your marriage. However, before taking this step, take a moment to explain to your wife just why you are doing it. Nothing piques a woman's curiosity more than a locked box. Just ask Pandora.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In An Abusive Marriage, Something Has Got To Give

Dear Tazi:

Do you remember the old song “Don’t You Want Me Baby?” That is the story of how I met my husband, “Zack” who is in full-blown mid-life crisis mode. Zack has joined a gym, bought a sports car, and by the time this letter is printed will have had a facelift. My marriage was not the greatest before Zack went overboard on his self-improvement kick – we have been married for 15 years and the spark is long gone – but now it has become intolerable. I am waiting for him to get a mistress so I will have a reason to leave him (our prenuptial agreement has an adultery loophole that voids it, so I would get a lot more if he cheated).

I have always worked hard to remain fit and attractive, but at 38 I no longer have the body I did when I was 21 and a size 3. Zack is pressuring me to have a “body sculpt” done, which involves a liposuction, breast lift, and facial improvements. I have no desire for plastic surgery and I do not think I need it. I am actually happier with my looks now than when I was younger, having filled out in all of the right places.

Zack’s pressure to get a body sculpt is starting to get on my nerves. This morning he acted like he wanted to be intimate with me, and then pushed me away saying “who replaced my wife with this whale?” Tazi, I am a size 6! I am not sure how long I can continue to live with Zack’s snide comments. He is hardly Mr. America – before he joined the gym he had a 44 waist; he is now down to a 38 and looking good, but not so good that he can call me fat. The thought of leaving scares me – I haven’t worked since we got married – and I am not sure what I could do to support myself, short of going back to working as a cocktail waitress. If I leave, I get almost nothing thanks to the prenup I signed. What to do, Tazi?

Signed,
Kajagoogooed

Dear Kajagoogooed:

First off, it was Human League, not Kajagoogoo that sang the song you reference. Second, after fifteen years of marriage I would question the validity of your prenuptial agreement, especially if the marital assets have grown significantly over that time. Since your agreement so heavily favors your husband, I am led to believe that you did not have legal representation when this agreement was signed, which might sway a judge to invalidate it, especially if you can prove that it was signed under duress; your husband is mentally abusive, which leads me to wonder if this was the case.

Right now, you should contact a good marriage counselor as well as a good divorce lawyer; if Zack will not go with you to visit the first than you should go alone to visit the second. Working as a waitress in a cocktail bar may be a step-down from your current lifestyle, but regaining your sense of self-worth will be invaluable. Due to the length of your marriage, if you decide to divorce, a judge may order your husband to pay alimony and/or educational costs so you can train for a career and “find a much better job”. Although I hate to advocate divorce, I refuse to advise someone to stay in an abusive marriage.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adult Daughter Jumps To Conclusions About Young Step-Mother

Dear Tazi:

I am in my mid-twenties. I own my own home and have a wonderful relationship with my life partner. I am financially independent of my parents and live within my means so as to live debt free. I made these choices after seeing how screwed up money can make people! My family is not Paris Hilton wealthy, but I would be a liar if I said I did not grow up among the upper class, country club set. I am not ashamed of where I come from, it’s just as I said; money makes life a lot more complicated – which is why I am writing to you. Money is once again complicating my life.

Last year, my father married his gold-digging girlfriend “Daisy”. She is half his age, and only a few years older than me. Dad refused to see her for the person she is, even though she had no problem with revealing her true colors to my sister and me. I won’t get into the details, but the woman is evil. She is also pregnant, even though Dad was adamant about not having more children.

I discovered Daisy’s condition when I stopped by after work to see my father. Daisy was in the parlor with one of her friends commenting on how a baby will “cement the relationship, especially if it is a boy”. Daisy saw me there, smiled an evil grin, and told me that she was going to give my father what my mother could not! Tazi, I felt sick to my stomach. My father has always told my sister and me that he loves us and never regretted having daughters. Daisy and I got into it, and some unpleasant things were said; including how she planned on “taking care of things” to make sure she only gave my father boys. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but now I might.

It has been two months since that conversation with Daisy, and she has not yet told my father she is expecting. I feel as though she is betraying him by telling her friends before telling him, but obviously I do not believe it is my news to break to him. However, I have a bad feeling that she is planning on having an abortion if she is carrying a girl, which would explain why she is keeping her pregnancy from my Dad. Do you think I should tell my Dad what’s going on?

Signed,
Gatsby Girl

Dear Gatsby Girl:

I admire your maturity and your efforts to earn your own way in the world, rather than depend upon your family’s income to support a lavish lifestyle. I also admire your loyalty to your father, and can understand your bitterness towards Daisy, especially if she is as bad as you describe. Please remember, though, that your father chose to marry her and you need to learn to respect his choice even if you cannot bring yourself to accept her.

Regarding your conversation with Daisy: Are you certain that she is pregnant? Remember, you walked in on a private conversation and only heard one part of it – how a baby “will” cement her relationship with your father, but not that is already has. When the two of you “got into it”, did Daisy actually say she was expecting? There are medical means that allow a couple to choose the sex of their baby; could this be what Daisy meant when she said she would “take care of things” to ensure a boy? I realize that you do not think highly of Daisy, but to assume she would abort a child because it is female is quite a stretch, notwithstanding things like cost and recovery (both physical and emotional). None of this would be easy to hide.

My advice to you is to sit down with your father and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. If Daisy feels that her marriage needs cementing it could be that all is not as your father expected. As his daughter, I believe that your father would appreciate you taking an interest in his life – period – so I suggest you start by asking him to coffee just to catch up on each other’s lives. If all goes well, make it a weekly thing – father-daughter time does not have to stop just because you are both adults; spending time together can help to adjust the dynamic between the two of you to a more equal footing. Once communication between the two of you has been reestablished you, you can consider bringing up what you overheard Daisy saying, so long as you do not use an accusatory tone. In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear (especially if you heard it through the grapevine!)..

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Seeks Financial Gain By Living With Girlfriend

Dear Tazi:

I am a divorced Dad with custody of both my children; a boy aged six and a girl aged 8. Because they are different sexes each needs their own bedroom, and so do I, so I have to rent a three-bedroom apartment. The cost of a three-bedroom apartment is a lot more than a one or two bedroom place, and I am struggling to make ends meet and to provide my kids with everything they need and want, so I asked my girlfriend to move in with me. I figure that our relationship is ready for this next step, but she told me no.

When I asked her why she would not move in with me, “Stella” said it was because her half of the cost of a three-bedroom apartment, plus the utility bills for three additional people, would be more than twice what she is currently paying on her one-bedroom apartment. When I suggested that she continue to pay only what she is currently paying and I would pay the balance of our rent and utilities, Stella again turned me down stating that I would be the only one benefiting financially from such an arrangement.

Tazi, I do not believe that financial benefits should be the reason two people move in together. I think if the relationship is going to advance a couple needs to see how they would work as a family, and living together is a large part of that. When I explained this to Stella, she offered to pay $400 a month towards our expenses – exactly half of what she is currently paying for her own apartment and expenses. Tazi, my monthly expenses for me and my two kids tops $3000! Rent alone is $1600, which is why I think Stella should pay what she is currently paying - $800 – and I will handle the balance. I tried to explain this to Stella when she threw my kids’ entertainment practices in my face. Yes, the electric bill is very high because they love to play video games and go on the Internet – a lot – but they are kids; I say let them be kids! Stella also pointed out that my cable bill is more than twice of hers, but that is because I have several premium channels, that she would also be able to watch if she wanted, and a multi-room DVR that she could use, too.

Stella is not budging on this matter, and I am very hurt by it. If she moved in with me it would admittedly be a huge financial burden off of me and I would have her assistance with the kids, too (and with the cooking, cleaning, etc), but that is not why I want her to move in with me. Can you offer me any coaching in how to re-approach Stella – and get her to say yes?

Signed,
Tony

Dear Tony:

I assume that since you have custody of both of your children that you also claim them on your income tax return each year – and receive a sizable tax credit/refund for them. Did you offer to split this credit/refund with Stella? Or would you be keeping it all for yourself, even though Stella would be providing financial support for them by defraying your cost of raising them?

You say that you do not want Stella to move in for the financial benefits to you, but your attitude belies your words. Although you offer to allow Stella to keep her expenses the same, her responsibilities would be increasing (by your own admission) and she would be losing the privacy offered to her by having her own home. I understand that your expenses are much greater than hers, but they are your expenses.

With the exception of rent, the bills you mention could easily be pared down to a more appropriate size. Exactly how much electricity do your children use to entertain themselves? Young children should not be on the Internet unsupervised, and one hour per day of video gaming is sufficient on school nights; television should be watched only when all homework and chores are done. Should you choose to continue to subscribe to “several premium channels and a multi-room DVR” that is your choice – not Stella’s; if she wanted these channels she could easily subscribe.

I cannot coach you on what to say to Stella because I do not know what Stella wants. Maybe she would prefer to keep her own apartment; maybe she was hoping for an engagement ring instead of an offer to cohabitate; or maybe she feels as I do – that you are trying to take advantage for her for your own financial benefit. I suggest you come up with a fairer dynamic, one that does not have her taking on more financial and domestic responsibilities, and try presenting it to her. If this idea does not suit you, you will need to reexamine your intentions towards her – and hire a live-in Nanny/Maid.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner: Issue #2: Rules For A Successful And Loving Relationship

Hello Readers, and welcome to another edition of Tazi’s Corner – Life As Your Pet Sees it! Since I am a cat, I do my fair share of napping; but this is not all that I do with my spare time! I also spend as good deal of time pretending to nap so I can spy on the world of humans. Let me tell you, y’all tend to complicate matters, so with that in mind I am offering

Tazi’s Tips for a Successful, Loving, and Long-Term Relationship!

The “rules” start from a female perspective, and alternate with a man’s perspective. Enjoy!

She Says If you must check out another woman in front of us, do it discreetly – without moving your neck. Unless the woman is a total train wreck, like you see on PeopleOfWalMart.com; then you can gawk all you want. We won't feel the least bit threatened. Honestly, will probably be staring, too.

He Says Never, ever talk with a man you don't know in front of us. I don't care if that other person is a Catholic priest – don't do it! We see it as flirting. Flirt with your significant other.

She Says Don't steal my flannel pajama pants because your junk is cold. Those are the coziest things I own.

He Says Never wear flannel pajama pants around your man. This is why he steals them - to keep you from committing this heinous error.

She Says Never, ever try to diagnose PMS. And if you ever show up at my door with a 1 pound Hershey bar and say, "You sounded like you needed this" be prepared to be castrated!

He Says Don't ever leave a box of tampons in plain view. I don't care if it is your bathroom, hide them under the sink. This is something no man wants to see, for a variety of reasons.

She Says Call when you say you will. And if I call and you don't want to talk, don't disrespect me by pretending to be listening. Ask if you can call me back "later". I will understand.

He Says Understand that I am not going to call you exactly when I say I will – it looks desperate, and makes me look whipped in front of my friends. Know that I will be thinking of you just the same.

She Says Don’t compare me to your ex-girlfriend, even if I come out the winner. It makes me wonder what you will say about me if I am ever an “ex”.

He Says Never, ever trash an ex-boyfriend to another man. If he really is the low-life you claim, other men will already know that, and we will trash him for you.

She Says At least pretend to enjoy the chick-flick I have asked you to watch with me.

He Says If you don't like sports, do not claim to "love" them to try and impress us. Not all men love sports, but they do hate insincere women.

She Says If you DO love chick flicks, don't be afraid to admit it – it will be our little secret! Stuff like that makes me feel closer to you.

He Says Take at least a passing interest in the things that I like. Your supportive attitude makes a huge difference in whether or not I lie to you about where I am going and what I am doing.

She Says Be willing to try new things – who knows? You may find you enjoy live theatre and Broadway musicals.

He Says Don't try to match us drink for drink. Men can drink more than women, and sloppy drunk is not attractive.

She Says Love me enough to tie my hair back when I am getting sick. Respect me enough to clean the toilet when I am through.

He Says Eat your half of the pizza. You are beautiful, and don't need to diet.

She Says Remember that starch can make me feel fat and stop pushing the extra slice on me when I refuse it.

He Says I don't shave on weekends. Deal with it.

She Says My bra and panties will not match on the day before laundry day. Deal with that.

He Says Be up front with me about your feelings for me; but don't go overboard. Before you tell me you love me, start by saying, "I love it when you [fill in the blank]". If we aren't ready to hear the words yet, this will ease us into it – or give us the heads up that it is time to pull back a little.

She Says Don't assume that I will have sex with you at a prescribed point in our relationship. All relationships are different. Some never make it that far.

He Says Don't expect us to be mind readers. If we go too far, tell us…and if we aren't going far enough show us!

She Says Don't assume that what worked for your ex-girlfriend will work on us. And that goes for all areas, not just sex. Not all women groove to expensive jewelry; some of us like iMerchandise.

He Says Don't "drop hints" – we will not get them. Tell us what interests you.

She Says If you love me than always love me, even when I am ugly. Especially when I am ugly.

He Says Look at me like I am the only man in your world.

She Says Stand up for me when your Mom is being a [w]itch to me.

He Says As soon as I learn how to stand up to her myself.

She Says Offer to put me first when you have conflicting commitments. I will probably let you off the hook if you don’t do this too often; but we like to know we are #1. (We ARE #1, aren't we?).

He Says Don't gripe about Boys’ Night Out. By showing that you trust me, it makes me want to act in a trustworthy manner.

She Says The same rule goes for Girls’ Night Out.

He Says It's not that I don't trust you; it's that I don't trust other men to behave themselves around you. You are too beautiful.

She Says Don't flatter me to try and get your own way. Be sincere.

He Says Learn how to graciously accept a compliment!

She Says Know when I am sorry without making me say it every single time. That gets kind of humiliating. Let my actions speak for me.

He Says Accept that flowers are my way of saying "I know I messed up big time; can you ever forgive me?"

She Says If you don't know what you did to hurt me, don't make me explain it to you until AFTER I have cooled down.

He Says Tell me what I did. Please…and then forgive me for not knowing you better.

She Says Don't call me a nag

He Says Never nag. It is the most unattractive thing a woman can do…

She Says Take out the garbage when it needs to go out…not two days later.

He Says Never interrupt me while I am playing video games, watching sports, or hiding in my Man Cave to ask me to do house chores.

She Says Limit your time in your Man Cave and a lot of our problems will solve themselves

He Says Don’t freak on me if I forget to put the toilet seat down.

She Says Don't EVER tell me I don't keep the house as clean as your Mom does.

He Says Make an effort to get along with my Mom, even when she is rude to you.

She Says Don't be afraid of my Daddy.

He Says If our religious or political views differ, don't try to force your beliefs on me. Because I love you, I will make an effort to see your point of view.

She Says Respect and love me for who I am, not who you wish I was.

He Says Respect and love me for who I am, not for who you think I should be.

She Says Share your thoughts and feelings with me.

He Says Don’t ask me “What are you thinking?”

She Says Give me credit for my ideas and accomplishments, even if they outshine yours.

He Says If things aren't working, and we have tried our best, accept that I am breaking up with you. It may not be forever but in my mind, at that very point, it is. Let go. Stalking me will only help me get over you that much quicker.

She Says Know that if I break up with you, it is because you do not fulfill my needs. Post break-up is not the time to start trying.

He Says Never tell me I am lousy at something – even if I am. Teach me how to improve.

She Says Always be sensitive towards my emotions, and I will be gentle on your ego.

He Says Continue to tell me you think I am hot, even after I develop "love handles" or start to lose my hair.

She Says Take care of yourself physically. I don’t want to lose you to a heart attack.

He Says Baby me when I am sick, even if it is inconvenient for you.

She Says Accept that when illness strikes me, I will not be the Super Mom in the cough syrup commercial.

He Says Don't give me conflicting instructions.

She Says Always communicate with me. For women, most of our relationship problems start because we are feeling ignored, and we don't know how to let you know.

He Says Don't shut me out sexually. For men, most of our relationship problems start because we are feeling ignored, and we don't know how else to let you know.

She Says Understand that for a woman, having sex involves a lot of preparatory and a lot of clean-up after the fact; sort of like eating watermelon.


See, readers? Just as in real life, the woman gets the last word!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's Good To Be Single For A While

Dear Tazi:

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months and I am so angry I need to get it out of my system somehow! Thank you for listening. You are such a good kitty. Why am I angry? It's a long story.

I am almost 19 and a freshman in college. I am going to school a few hours away from home and have made a lot of new friends this year, mostly through my now ex-boyfriend. I thought we had a great thing going, until one of the women I met through "Aaron" asked me if everything was okay between us. I asked her what she had heard, because as far as I knew, things were going great - we were even talking about getting an apartment together next school year. My friend gave me a funny look, and dropped the subject - with me, at least. A few days later, a second friend approached me with the same question and was much more forthcoming with the details. Our first friend's brother had been cruising the personal ads when he saw my picture - and a profile describing me, saying I was looking for something "on the side"! Tazi, I did NOT post that ad!

Since our friends seemed to think the ad was real, I immediately spoke with Aaron to assure him that someone was obviously playing a cruel joke, possibly in an effort to break us up, when Aaron admitted that HE was the one who posted the ad! He said that he was "turned on" by the number of guys that wanted to get with me and that seeing all the responses made him feel like "the man". I was so disgusted by this I broke up with him on the spot. I feel used and violated...and alone. Most of my friends were Aaron's friends first, and I am afraid that they will choose him over me in the break-up.

Obviously, I am not going to get back with Aaron after this sick behavior - I can only imagine what he was thinking whenever he read the responses to "my" ad - but I don't want to be alone, either. Aaron gave me the email address and password to the account he created for me on the dating site because he hoped I would want to "share" the experience with him (that was when I broke up with him). Rather than take down the profile, do you think it would be okay to read through the responses and contact some of the men? I was thinking that they are interested in me, and why should they be hurt by Aaron's sick little joke? Plus, if a relationship with one of these guys were to happen, that would be the best revenge ever against Aaron!

Signed,
So Alone

Dear So Alone:

Have you ever heard the term "rebound romance"? That is when you go from one relationship straight into another, without allowing yourself time to recover. Such relationships rarely work out, and usually extend the period of broken-heartedness that the that rebound-er is feeling. The general advice I would give to anybody is to take a few months off from dating and concentrate on allowing yourself to heal.

Right now, you are angry with Aaron, and rightly so; but you are also mourning the loss of your romance, and possibly the loss of the friendships you made while you were dating Aaron. That is a lot of baggage to carry into a new relationship. I suggest that you give yourself time to unpack that baggage, and straighten out your affairs. Summer is coming, during which time you will presumably return home to old friends, family, and fun times. You have much to look forward to, and entangling yourself with someone new at this point in time will most likely complicate your life as you try to do the long-distance thing over the summer break.

To specifically address your question about contacting the men who answered "your" personal ad...what exactly did your ad - and the responses - say? You write that Aaron was "turned on" by all the men who want to "get with" you. If Aaron's ad was sexually explicit or even sexually leading - which it sounds like it was since you write that it said you were looking for something "on the side" - the men who responded are probably looking for a strictly physical relationship, which does not sound like what you are looking for but which may be the stuff of Aaron's fantasies. Why indulge either at your expense? Allowing these men to use you will only hurt you deeper.

I wish you luck in picking up the pieces, as well as good riddance to bad rubbish! It sounds like you can do a lot better than Aaron.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Things Aren't Always Written In The Stars

Dear Tazi:

For the last four months I have been seeing a man who is a big believer in astrology, which I am not. Before I met "Leo" I did not even know what my sign was, which is actually how we met. He used that lame pick-up line on me, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"; which I thought he was using ironically and was charmed by it. It turns out, he was using it seriously, and I am not certain what to think! Neither of us is a child, Tazi - we are both well into our thirties.

At first, I found Leo's comments on my personality and habits quirky. He would say I do certain things or react a certain way because of my astrological sign. This habit soon got annoying and has reached a point where I can barely tolerate it. In every other aspect, our relationship is great; but is has only been a few months. I am concerned that when we go through a rough patch he will start blaming our problems and problem behaviors on our astrological backgrounds, instead of actually working through our issues. This issue is the one thing that is holding me back from committing myself to Leo. When I try to discuss the matter with him, he digs deeper by saying it is in my sign's nature to worry about bridges we may never have to cross. I am on the fence about which way to go with Leo, and would like an outside opinion. What do you think, Tazi?

Sincerely,
Ready To "Sign" Out

Dear Ready To "Sign" Out:

Astrology is one of those things that some people look to for fun and others look to for guidance of their every move. Just the other day, my horoscope (I am a Cancer) told me that "loud noises can't hurt" me. I was shocked because I am quite skittish, and any loud noise sends me running for cover, including the sound if Mommie emptying the utensils from the dishwasher that morning! However, my horoscope has yet to tell me that a full-day nap is in order; so I tend not to follow the advice it gives me. I am still not completely convinced that loud noises won't hurt me, either...

If after four months of dating you are still uncertain about whether or not you wish to commit to Leo I would not hold out much hope for this relationship. The fact that Leo seems consumed by astrology and that you pay no mind to it puts the two of you at opposite extremes, so I can see why Leo's beliefs would get on your nerves as he tries to sell you on them. The same can occur when a couple does not share the same religious beliefs and/or fervor.

I would say to just ignore Leo's badgering if it were not for the fact that he used his astrological beliefs to brush off a valid concern of yours. This reaction is rather telling, and could very well be a sign of a different kind, with regard to Leo's personality. Expect him to continue to refer to his beliefs in astrology, regardless of the topic at hand; and get used to having your world turned upside down during Mercury-retrograde, which is something most Astrologers take very seriously as they believe it causes havoc in daily life.

Knowing that Leo's beliefs in astrology are unlikely to change and are most likely to control various aspects of your relationship, do you think you could learn to accept Leo's views as equally valid as your own? If that question made you burst into laughter, then you know the answer to your question. If, on the other hand, your first response was to give serious consideration to the question at hand, there is hope for a relationship between you and Leo if you are both willing to accept the beliefs of the other. Just as important as you understanding Leo's beliefs is his understanding and acceptance of your lack of belief in astrology. Once you have answers to these questions, you should feel more comfortable committing to Leo...or walking away from him. The choice is yours, regardless of what your horoscope advises.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Pool Can Make For Quite An Attraction; Can Sometime Attract Unwanted Guests

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I moved to our middle-class suburban neighborhood two years ago. We do not have children, although many of our friends do, and we like to entertain. Normally when we entertain, we do not have to explicitly comment that it is an adults-only event and that it would be inappropriate to bring children. It is not that we do not like children; it is just that we prefer the company of adults at our cocktail parties. Plus, my wife and I both feel that a cocktail party is not the proper venue for a child.

Spring is here, which means summer will soon be arriving; and with it our annual entertaining issue. As previously stated, we "normally" do not have to explicitly state our parties are adults-only; but in the summer-time, nothing is normal. My wife and I have an in-ground pool and enjoy swimming in it for both fitness and fun. We do not mind having the neighbors over with their children during the day, so long as they keep an eye on their charges; but evening is when we entertain, and as I have said cocktails and children do not belong in the same room. Unfortunately, there are a few couples on my street who feel that rules do not apply during the summer months.

These couples are always welcome in our home, so we do not wish to offend them by asking that they leave their kids at home; but my wife and I are not comfortable with having children near the pool when it is dark and their supervision have been imbibing. Most of the neighbors have made comments to these couples, suggesting that they leave their children at home, but the usual response is to comment on how much their children just love the pool, and how they don't have the heart to leave them at home. Short of closing the pool to all of our guests - thus eliminating the one thing of interest to these children - how should we handle this situation?

Signed,
Party-Planner

Dear Party Planner:

You seem to me to be the generous sort; opening your pool to those who wish to use it, with the stipulation that parents keep an eye on the children that they brought with them. Therefore, I am going to suggest that you be direct in approaching your neighbors who insist on bringing their children to your soirees. In a polite but firm manner, let them know that daiquiris and children are not a good mix; and that their children are welcome to use the pool during the day, with parental supervision, when alcohol is not being served.

I realize that being direct is a great way to offend some people; but I believe the presence of children is the greater offense to the rest of your guests, who appear to want to relax in a grown-up environment. You do not mention how these children behave when they are in your pool; but I am guessing they can be quite rambunctious, when all the adults want to do is relax and cool-off in calm waters. If the parents in question are offended, simply restate that no offense is meant and that you are simply looking out for the comfort and well-being of all of your guests. At this point, some of your other guests will probably come to your aide to assist in driving home the point.

Rare is the person who will bite the hand that feeds it. If these couples enjoy both your company and your hospitality, I doubt that asking them to leave their children at home during the adults-only time will offend them so much that they storm out, never to return.

If the direct approach is not a direction you are comfortable taking, expect these couples to return with children in tow. At that point, simply inform them that the children can sit in or around the pool as the adults do but, for the comfort and safety of all, rambunctious play will not be allowed. The children will probably be so bored out of their minds that they will beg their parents to take them home and leave them there.

Now, may I add one last suggestion about serving alcohol at an evening pool party? I would not advise it. Alcohol and swimming can lead to drowning and other serious but unintended consequences, especially when the lighting is too dim to see well. You may want to keep the pool open during daylight hours only - something that would also solve the problem of children attending your evening get-togethers.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Smell Of Cigarette Is The Smoking Gun that Shot-Down This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

When I met my girlfriend six months ago, I knew she was a smoker. I do not date smokers, and told her so when she asked for my phone number (we met at a party). She told me she was working on quitting, so I took a chance on her. After three months I thought she had quit and was very proud of her. I have been nothing but encouraging in her efforts to quit, and I thought she had successfully managed to quit. Admittedly, she never actually said that she had managed to quit, but it appeared that she had.

Last night, I stopped by "Angel's" house after work and smelled cigarette smoke. I was so disgusted that I walked right back out and went home. Angel called to ask what was my problem, so I told her: I felt like she had lied to me about quitting, since it was obvious to me that she had been smoking. Angel told me that she had a very difficult day at work and broke down and had a cigarette, as she sometimes still does when she is stressed. Obviously, if she immediately turns to cigarettes to help her cope with stress she hasn't truly quit.

I let Angel know how disappointed in her I am, and that I need some time to think about the future of our relationship. Angel feels that I am being unreasonable and controlling, and told me that if I cannot accept her weaknesses along with her strengths than I shouldn't bother thinking things through because our relationship is over. I feel like I should be the one making the decision whether or not to end things - after all, I was the one who was wronged by her behavior. I called her this morning to tell her this, but she hung up on me before I was even done speaking my piece.

Tazi, I feel like Angel owes me an apology - for her dishonesty about not completely quitting smoking and for her rudeness on the phone this morning. I know that she reads your column every day, which is why I am writing to you. I know that if she sees my letter she will see just how hurtful her behavior has been, and that she offer me the apology I feel I deserve. I am still not certain I want to give this relationship a second chance; but I think I deserve the option to at least consider it.

Signed,
Smoke-Free

Dear Smoke Free:

It would appear that you are also girlfriend-free if you have not spoken to Angel by the time this letter is printed.

Your attitude strikes me as very demanding - not only of me, but of Angel as well. Quitting smoking can be extremely challenging for many people, so if Angel managed to quit, for the most part, in just a few months I give her a lot more credit than you are. In all fairness, Angel never said that she had successfully quit; just that she was "working on quitting" - it was you that assumed she had managed to kick her habit completely, and you who owe her an apology for being so judgmental.

Nobody is perfect, and you freely admit that Angel never said she had managed to completely quit smoking. Since you have not seen - or smelled - evidence that she has been smoking, I believe it is safe to assume that she has made great strides in her attempts to quit smoking, and that your faith was not misplaced. As for your belief that you should be the one making the decision about whether or not to end the relationship, I have to side with Angel on this matter: You are being controlling. No one party has the sole right to decide to continue or end a relationship with another person; the other person can make decisions, too. Sometimes the decision made is not to our liking, but something we must accept nonetheless.

I will stop short of agreeing that Angel owes you an apology for hanging up on you, in spite of the fact that I believe it was quite rude, because I feel that you are not telling me the whole story that led up to her prematurely ending the conversation. I will end by pointing out that Angel makes a second, very valid point. In order for a relationship to work, you must be willing to accept a person's weaknesses. As Marilyn Monroe put it, "If you can't handle me at my worst you sure don't deserve me at my best".

Snuggle (Just one!),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adult Son Wants To Return To The Nest; Mother Is On The Fence

Dear Tazi:

I don't know what I am going to do with my adult son. "Harper" is 40-years-old and has never been able to hold a steady job. In fact, he was fired from his very first job at age 16, and has been unable to hold down steady employment ever since. From what I can tell, it is not that he is without skills; just without commitment to holding to a regular schedule. Harper enjoys his free time, and believes that a job should not encroach on his personal time. He has quit several jobs due to "differences with the management", as he puts it; "a refusal to follow direction", is how the management puts it. I know because a few of the jobs he has quit involved working for friends of my late husband.

My husband passed when our son was only ten years old, and he left Harper a large trust fund that was to be used for his college education or to be accessed on his 30th birthday, should Harper follow a career path that did not require college, figuring twelve years after high school graduation would be enough time for Harper to establish himself financially and the trust monies handled appropriately. My husband was a wise man and a hard worker but, sadly, our son did not inherit his father's work ethic or business sense. Harper has squandered all but the last few thousand dollars of his trust, and has asked to move into my guest cottage while he sorts out his issues. I agreed to Harper's request, but this was before I discovered some new information that has me wanting to turn back on our agreement.

In advance of moving in to my guest cottage, Harper has started having his mail delivered there. The mailman, not realizing that Harper was to stay in the cottage delivered Harper's correspondence to the main house; which is how I discovered that Harper has applied for Social Security [Disability] benefits. When I approached Harper about this disgrace, he did not deny it; claiming he suffers from depression, which is why he is unable to hold down a job. He informed me that his original filing had been rejected, as was his appeal, because his doctor was not properly certified. Harper did not have an attorney representing him because those he approached demanded he see a certified physician. All in all, this why Harper needs to move into my guest cottage until he can figure out how to secure a primary source of income, now that his trust monies have been depleted.

Tazi, my husband worked very hard to accumulate his wealth and was not at all adverse to sharing it with those in true need of assistance. If he were here today to see what a disgrace his son has become he would disown him! The only thing depressing Harper is his inability to continue sponging off of his late father. My sister suffered from depression, so I am aware of the signs and symptoms and have a genuine concern for those who exhibit them - which Harper does not. The only time he is at all depressed is when the latest party or road trip ends. I believe that the judge saw right through Harper's charade, which is why he was turned down for Social Security. (Did I mention that Harper also smokes marijuana, saying it is a treatment for his depression? Hogwash!).

I would like to tell Harper that I have changed my mind about allowing him to move into my guest cottage, but I am afraid that he will have nowhere else to turn and will end up sleeping on a couch in someone's basement. If, however, I allow him to move into my guest cottage I fear he will be living there until I join his father. Do you have any advice to offer, Tazi?

Signed,
Harped On

Dear Harped On:

I would first like to address your opinion that Harper's use of marijuana for the treatment of depression. According to a recent John's Hopkins University report hallucinogenic drugs have been shown to help people with mood disorders look at their problems from a different perspective. Marijuana is technically a hallucinogen, but the instance of hallucinogenic experiences while using the drug is very rare. The John Hopkins study did not include marijuana, focusing instead on hard drugs such as "MDMA (also known as the street drug "Ecstasy"), psilocybin ("magic mushrooms"), and ketamine ("Special K")"

In my Mommie's paraprofessional scientific opinion (she has a degree in Science, as well as Communications, but does not hold graduate credentials), any relief Harper gets from smoking marijuana is outweighed by the negative effects of the drug, which include a causal link to mood disorders; such as depression and amotivational syndrome - which may be what your son actually suffers, considering his work history. A psychological examination would be required for an actual and accurate diagnosis, which is why I recommend that you require Harper to get one as a condition to moving into your guest cottage. Should he refuse or claim that he has already received treatment, stand firm and tell him it's your guest cottage; so you make the rules for living there.

If a psychological workup by a properly certified psychiatrist shows that Harper is suffering from depression or any other type of mood disorder that leaves him unable to work the first step is to get him to quit smoking marijuana. If follow-up treatment shows no improvement for his mood disorder he is entitled to re-file for disability benefits. There is no shame in collecting SSDI benefits if they are truly needed. Included in these benefits is medical treatment for the root cause of the disability, in the hope that intensive treatment will cure the disability. SSDI benefits are not guaranteed for life and, in the case of those receiving benefits for mood disorders, a yearly review of benefits can be expected.

I understand your desire to be supportive of your son without being supportive of his bad habits; but at this time I believe you are in the perfect position to see that he gets the medical treatment he needs. In order to protect your own interests, though, I would recommend having your son sign a detailed lease outlining the terms and conditions of his taking up residence in your guest cottage. Your attorney can assist you with this matter, if necessary.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Needs to Be The Best, Bride Fears Being Topped On Her Wedding Day

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who reminds me of the Dilbert character “Topper”. Whatever you say, she can top it. When I broke my ankle and needed help getting around, she droned on about how she once broke her leg in three places but still managed to get the grocery shopping done with no assistance (her brother secretly told me that it was a slight fracture, and that she used the Stop and shop Peapod® service!). Another time, a mutual friend was describing her vacation to the Açores – a trip she had to save for for two years – when Topper interrupted her to tell of her planned trip to the Galapagos Islands; when the trip did not materialize she claimed that she had to cancel it due to the fact that her company simply could not run without her for the two weeks she planned on being gone. Barf.

I am engaged and am planning my wedding. Topper has offered to plan it for me, as her wedding gift to my fiancé and me. While I have to admit she does have some amazing connections and huge talents in the area of event planning (she is a professional event planner), I am afraid that if I accept my wedding will turn into The Topper Show. My fiancé would prefer that Topper have nothing to do with the planning of our wedding, but so far he has had nothing to do with the planning of our wedding, either. All of the work has fallen upon me, and I am feeling slightly overwhelmed. I cannot afford to pay for a wedding planner, and Topper really wants to do it. In spite of her need to be the best at everything, she is a really great person and a good friend in all other aspects. What do you say, Tazi?

Signed,
Topped Off

Dear Topped Off:

I can see your predicament. On the one hand, free wedding planning services from a professional event planner can be a huge temptation; the only problem is that your wedding guests may have to spend the day hearing Topper brag about how she planned the whole day. However, I have a feeling that as a wedding guest Topper will be making every conversation about her anyway, so why fight her when you can make her an ally?

Sometimes, the best way to stop someone from going down a particular path is to cut them off at the pass. I suggest that you accept Topper’s generous offer to plan your wedding as her gift to you. In return for her generosity, you can publically thank her by adding your ebullient and gracious thanks to her at the end of your wedding program. This should give Topper all the attention she wants – and deserves for her efforts. If your wedding guests know enough to compliment Topper for her efforts she may suddenly be struck by a sense of humility, brought on by the sense of fulfillment she is so desperately seeking. Of course, things may go the exact opposite way, too, with Topper basking in your limelight, but that is one reason why you have a Maid/Matron of Honor – to handle problems that crop up so you can enjoy your special day. Make sure that your Honor attendant is aware of Topper’s possible behavior, and make certain that she feels comfortable handling Topper’s special temperament.

I wish you all the best as your wedding approaches and in your married life!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. As for your fiancé’s opinion, until he starts helping you with the wedding planning he has no right to turn down Topper’s offer! --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #45 - The Stronger Man?

Dear Readers,

This week while nosing about I came across an assignment my Mommie has for a summer class she is taking (because she couldn't just graduate and leave it at that, could she? Sheesh!). The question posed was, "Who is the stronger man?" and gave the names of Senator John McCain and President Barack Obama.

The stronger man? As in who can bench press more? That would be a no-brainer, considering that Senator McCain cannot lift his right arm above shoulder height! Since I did not think that is what the point of this question was, I decided I delve deeper. I jumped into my yoga suit and gave this subject some deep thought.

Did I fail to mention that I do yoga naked?

In an effort to keep things civil, my first decision was to eliminate any political comparisons. I was worried that in doing this I might be left with nothing but two empty suits, albeit very expensive ones, but eliminating the politics actually made things a little clearer for me…in time. At the start, everything was still as clear as mud. Coming from a family with a long history of military service, I thought perhaps McCain was the stronger man simply because he has served in the military and Obama has not, but I quickly realized that this was unfairly prejudicial; Obama has served as a Community Organizer in some of America’s poorest neighborhoods, many of which resemble a demilitarized zone and present the same dangers of being in one. No, military service could not be the way to judge the stronger man. Without politics or service records, I was not left with much. This is when I realized what I had inadvertently done – I had stripped each man down to his bare skin (figuratively speaking), leaving nothing to judge but how comfortable each man felt in that skin. I noticed something startling: I have never seen Barack Obama sweat. President Obama is a raging basketball fan, so much so that he had a basketball court built in the White House…but has anyone ever seen a photo of him sweaty and disheveled from playing? The one sporting photo I have ever seen of Barack Obama was from when he was vacationing in Hawai’i and the press snapped a shot of him coming out of the ocean…bare-chested, dripping water and masculinity, looking tall, dark, and handsome and making women everywhere jealous of his wife Michelle.  I don't go for humans and even I am a little turned on! Compare this to a previous President, Bill Clinton; Bubba, as he was affectionately known, was often photographed while jogging…red-faced and puffing, sweat poring from his chubby body. He looked most unpresidential at those times, but he looked real; you could see that beneath the expensive suit there was a man who needed a shower after a workout, just like what Bill Cosby calls "regular people". He could also use some longer, more fashionable shorts... Barack Obama is not one to allow his “regular people” side to show; the one time he was photographed looking like “regular people” Americans complained about his “Grandpa jeans” and schlubby white crew socks, the ones he wore to throw out the first ball on Opening Day at a Chicago baseball game. The backlash from that photo op sent those Grandpa Jeans further back into the closet than a gay 5-Star General. As much as I respect the Presidency, I am afraid my President lives in fear of looking less than perfect at all times. Some would say his teleprompters would agree with me. On the flip side I decided to take a look at John McCain. Married to trophy wife Cindy some could say that he, too, is overly concerned about public image…except for his disability. McCain was injured in war, and cannot lift his right arm above shoulder height. While some would argue that war disabilities are seen as honorable, I have read (and published) enough letters from people with disabilities to know that the public looks down on them as a weakness and that the only “honorable” disability is the one you have managed to overcome. Take a look in the newspapers and look for a story about the veteran who lost both legs and resigned himself to a wheelchair because learning to walk on prosthetics was too painful. Didn't find that story, did you? As I was saying, McCain is disabled, and his disability is well documented. He has never tried to hide it; it is a part of who he is. He has never managed to overcome this disability; rather, like many disabled, he has learned to accommodate it. This is frightening for a lot of people because if a disabled person can learn to accommodate their disability surely we can, too? Humans, by nature, do not like to be pulled from their comfort zone. John McCain, by not hiding his disability, does this to a lot of people. While it is now common knowledge that FDR was in a wheelchair it was not common knowledge during his presidency. In fact, he did all he could to hide the fact that he was disabled, fearing people would see him as weak. While we like to think that attitudes towards the disabled have changed since the 1930’s, I fear the only change has been to expect the disabled to do more to try and cure themselves of their afflictions. This is why I think the fact that John McCain’s casual public acknowledgement of his disability – his imperfection, if you will – shows great strength. Greater strength of self than Barack Obama has shown. McCain has what author bell hooks calls “white privilege” on his side, but that is another argument for another article. To stay on point: Old rich white guy wins again. In closing, I would like to add that this assessment is not a criticism of President Obama, but rather an insight on societal attitudes. If has often been said that minorities (of color, gender, or handicap) need to work twice as hard to earn half the success of an able-bodied white man. I think the comparison of these two men illustrates that point. Can a black man be seen to sweat and still be seen as the most powerful man in the world? Something tells me that President Obama does not want to test those waters. --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Short Woman Prefers, Has Trouble Finding, A Shorter Man

Dear Tazi:

I have an unusual problem and I am uncertain how to approach it. I am only attracted to men who are shorter than me; the problem is, I am only 5-foot-2, which seriously limits my selection. I am not sure why I like short men; but I know I am not attracted to taller guys. I think it is because short men do not rely on their height to impress people and instead rely on their personality.

I have tried dating taller men, but nothing ever clicked between us; I really was not interested. Is there something wrong with me? Or is it normal to only be attracted to men of a certain height?

Signed,
Five-Foot-Two and Eyes of Blue

Dear Five-Foot-Two and Eyes of Blue:

Many societies put a large emphasis on height, equating it with power. Here in America, there has not been a President shorter than 5’8” in almost two centuries (not since John Quincy Adams, who was 5' 7 1/2")! To be attracted solely to men of short stature is unusual in our society, but there is nothing abnormal about it.

Most people have a particular “type” to which they are attracted; just because you are attracted to a type that falls outside of the average does not mean that there is something wrong with you. So long as you are not discriminating against men solely because of their height, and it appears that you have not, I see nothing wrong with your preferences. In fact, I am prepared to receive emails from short men everywhere asking for your contact information!

If you are having trouble meeting men that interest you due to your height requirement, I suggest you loosen your rather stringent physical criteria – just as a man will have trouble finding Ms. Right if he insists she weigh no more than 110 pounds, your insistence that a man be no taller than 5’2” is going to limit your search for Mr. Right.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Lack Of Thought Counts More Than The Thought Itself

Dear Tazi:

I have been deeply insulted by “Vera”, the Volunteer Coordinator at my local community center, and she refuses to apologize for her errant behavior. I know she reads your column – she prints it out and posts it for the senior citizens who do not have the Internet – so I know she will see this letter if you print it!

I am a busy woman. Just because I do not hold a job outside the home does not mean I have no commitments in my life. However, I believe that giving back is a way of showing thankfulness for one’s blessings; therefore, I volunteer one Saturday morning a month at the local community center. With my busy schedule, I sometimes forget which Saturday morning I have volunteered for and I miss my scheduled day. I feel bad about this, but it is the thought that counts, and I always offer to come in on another Saturday, should my schedule allow, but Vera never bothers to schedule me.

The last time I missed my scheduled appointment was because my hairdresser was able to schedule me into a cancellation slot. I needed to get my hair done for a big charity fundraiser that night, so I accepted the appointment without realizing that it was my day to volunteer at the community center. Vera called and left me a message calling me “undependable” and telling me that she would no longer be putting me on the volunteer schedule. Tazi, I have never been so insulted! I am involved in several charitable organizations as well as social groups that depend on me as much or more than the community center; to call me “undependable” it outright insulting and to essentially fire me for missing a few scheduled days is beyond the pale. I have never been so insulted and I want Vera to know just how wrong her behavior was.

I am hoping that you will print my letter so visitors to the community center can see it and will let Vera know that she not only owes me an apology, but also placement back on the volunteer schedule.

Signed,
Miss Generosity

Dear Miss Generosity:

My, you sound like an important person! Does the rest of the world know how important you are, or is this sense of importance all in your own mind? I am printing your letter because you – and others who think like you – need to realize that when you make a commitment to volunteer others are depending upon you to actually show up to honor your commitment!

You are correct in saying that it is the thought that counts, but in your case it is your lack of thought that counts more. Just thinking about showing up to volunteer does not make a difference in the world; you have to actually remember to show up and do your part in order to be “giving back”. Do you really think an appointment at the beauty salon was more important than honoring your commitment to volunteer at the community center? Honestly? I admire your commitment to attending a charity gala – you could have just as easily gone for a night on the town without donating to charity – but I do not think the charity you are supporting would support your decision to blow off a volunteer shift for the beauty parlor. Your attitude makes me want to barf. Excuse me while I go find Mommie’s new shoes.

I rule that Vera does not owe you an apology; I believe that it is you who owes Vera – and the visitors to the community center – the apology. There are three ways in which a person can give back to their community; they are through gifts of time, talents, and treasure. Since your time is obviously in short supply, perhaps you can find a way to donate from the other two.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Empty Nester Fears What Future With Rude Husband Will Bring

Dear Tazi:

My husband is a very rude person. He has been like this for almost our whole married life, and I sometimes wonder why I stay him until I remind myself of his good qualities – he is a wonderful parent and a good provider; and he is never rude to me, only to people outside of our family.

If we go out to a restaurant, the service is never good enough and “Harry” will be rude to the server, to the point where he has made several waitresses cry (this is why there are several restaurants at which he is no longer welcome). When watching a sporting event Harry cheers for the fouls; unsportsmanlike conduct; and injuries, claiming that for what the players are paid they should suffer injuries. I will no longer attend live sporting events with Harry because of this behavior.

There are few couples that Harry and I remain friends with because his rude behavior knows no bounds; Harry finds entertainment in the misery of others, especially those who he considers born under a lucky star. Having lived with this my whole marriage, you are probably wondering why I am only now complaining about it, right? The problem is our youngest is flying the nest and from now going forward it will be just Harry and me at home; with few friends to socialize with, no school events to attend, PTA meetings or other events that revolved around the children, I am afraid that Harry’s attitude is going to send me over the edge. I live in a pretty small town, so there are no museums to visit or other cultural events that would get me out of the house, and I haven’t worked in years – plus, since I do not need the income I would feel guilty if I were taking a paying job from someone who needed it. Do you have any suggestions on what to do with my time?

Signed,
Empty Nester

Dear Empty Nester:

You say that Harry is “never” rude to you, only to people outside of your family. If this is true, why are you so afraid to be spending more time with him? Could it be that Harry has not been rude to you in the past because you had an escape outlet – your involvements in your children’s lives – should his attitude hit a little too close to home? Otherwise, why dread being alone with him now that the children are grown and on their own?

It appears to me that you have done what many a good parent has done – immersed yourself so deeply in your children’s lives that you left no room for interests of your own or interests as a couple. Your husband’s enjoyment of hurtful behavior could be his way of releasing his feelings of anger and neglect; if you spent your life paying more attention to the children than to him, I can see why resentment would build. Your husband could just be a jerk; but I will give him the benefit of the doubt, having never met him.

Now that your children are grown and moved out, why not try to rekindle the relationship between you and Harry. Let your husband know that, now that it’s just the two of you, you would like to explore new interests as a couple. I realize that your town is a small one, but there must be a library or other cultural centers that offer regular events. The two of you could join a book discussion club, a community gardening club, or do some volunteering at a local hospital or nursing home. If you miss having children in your life you could sign up through Big Brothers/Big Sisters to be a surrogate grandparent. If Harry is retired or has free time on the weekends, you could plan day trips to places of interest to the both of you. If Harry’s attitude does not improve with increased attention from you, try exploring new opportunities and interests on your own; it’s a great way to fight boredom and make new friends – ones that Harry cannot chase off since he will not be around to insult them.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenager Fears College Life Will Ruin Her Perfect Life At Home

Dear Tazi:

My life is very normal. I have two wonderful parents, still married, who never argue in front of me or my sister. Speaking of my sister, we get along great – she is the best little sister anyone could ever want. I have a dog (sorry, Tazi!) who I love to death and enjoy taking for long runs in the park, and I live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. My family is not rich, but I do not want for anything I need; I do well in school; and have great friends who do not pressure me to drink or do drugs. I am a cheerleader for my high school and my boyfriend is one of the Captains of the football team (surprise, surprise huh?). Basically, my life is so incredibly perfect it is positively abnormal!

I guess you are wondering why I am writing to you, huh, Tazi? I will be finishing my senior year of high school later this year, which means college is only a few months away. Both of my parents are legacies from the same college, and they would love for me to go to the family alma mater, as well. I would love to continue with this family tradition, but I am scared to go out on my own! The school in question is three hours from home, so there is no way I could commute every day; I would have to live there, in a dormitory or an off-campus apartment.

Moving away to school would mean leaving behind my dog, my little sister, my friends, my parents, and my entire life! My boyfriend would be going to school nearby, so I would have him to depend upon, but I know he will be busy with his own school and probably football, too (he has been offered a scholarship). I want to make my family proud; I just wish college was closer to home! Do you have any advice to help me overcome my fears and enjoy the rest of my senior year, Tazi?

Signed,
Future Tiger

Dear Future Tiger:

Something I have learned from writing this column is that Southern traditions die hard, so I can understand why you want to continue the tradition of your parents and your grandparents and your…

Moving away from home for the first time can be incredibly heartbreaking, especially when home is such a wonderful place. A three hour drive may sound like a million miles away from loved ones, but the truth is it is not that far – especially nowadays, when there is Skype, and Facebook, and other ways to communicate in real and almost real time.

A big part of growing up and making the transition from childhood to adulthood is moving out of your parents’ house and being responsible for yourself. Moving into a college residence hall is often a first step, a halfway point between living at home and being completely on your own. Living in a residence hall can offer many benefits while in college. In addition to making new friendships it relieves you of several hours a week of commuting time (which can be used for be used for both studying and extracurricular activities); plus it helps you to learn how to be responsible for your own life, without having Mom and dad there to tell you what to do and when to do it. In short, you can learn a lot of important life-skills that the classroom cannot teach you.

The fact that your boyfriend wants to continue your relationship through your college years is the sign of a man who cares very deeply for you – a lot of young men move away to college and forget the promises they made to their girlfriends back home – so he will be one constant in your life that will help you to adjust to your new living situation. Plus, there will be weekends where you can go home for a visit and weekends when your family will come to visit you (I have a feeling the latter will occur most often during football season!).

Just because you are moving away for a few years does not mean that you are moving on permanently; try to keep this in mind as you finish your final year of high school. As the school year winds down, your friends are bound to start firming up their college plans; let yourself get caught up in the bittersweet excitement and the future will not look so daunting!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Healthy Living Is Making Man Wish For A Quick End

Dear Tazi:

My wife is driving me nuts! At my last annual check-up the doctor told me that I am “entering heart attack country”, due to my age, and should watch my diet and exercise. I have always been one to do things in moderation, which is why my wife’s new and excessive behavior is driving me up a wall!

“Bea” has decided that our pantry will now be a fat-free, low-sodium, health zone. The cream for my coffee has been replaced with fat-free, non-dairy creamer; the butter for my toast is now some sort of cholesterol free “spread”; my eggs have been replaced with Egg Beaters®; my salt with Mrs. Dash®; and my Planters® peanuts with soy nuts, which I won’t touch.

Tazi, I have always been one to watch my weight and exercise three times a week. I have never been more than 10 pounds overweight. I drink in moderation. Bea insists that because my father died of a heart attack I am at higher risk of one myself, and therefore must take extra precautions such as the ones she is implementing. I try to remind Bea that my father weighed over 300 pounds; his favorite meal was a double bacon-cheeseburger with extra everything and a side of fries; and the only exercise he ever got was getting up to change the channel on the TV when nobody else was around to do it for him. Bea is deaf to my defense.

Short of getting a note from my doctor telling Bea that my new diet is excessive, can you think of any I can get Bea to see reason? All of this “healthy living” is killing me!

Signed,
Too Much of A Good Thing

Dear Too Much of A Good Thing:

One thing is obvious, your wife loves you and wants to see you among the living for several years to come; if she didn’t, she would be fixing you double bacon-cheeseburgers with extra everything and a side of fries and changing the TV channel for you every time the remote was lost.

Your mantra of everything in moderation is a good one, if lived by religiously, not just in moderation! Your idea of having your doctor explain to Bea that her intentions are sweet but extreme is a good one. I suggest that you write a list of the changes in diet that Bea has made; review them with her for accuracy and agreement; and take the list to your doctor. Together you can discuss with him/her what changes are necessary; what changes are recommended; and what changes can wait until the future. Once Bea hears it from the doctor that such extreme measures are not necessary she may be inclined to lighten up on the lightening up! If not, you can always hide food around the house!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. The pendulum swings both ways; if the doctor regards Bea’s changes as reasonable and necessary, you will have to abide by your wife’s new diet plan for you.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Atheist Teenager Seeks To Explore Religion

Dear Tazi:

I am twelve going on thirteen. All of my life I have been raised an Atheist, but since starting middle school I am starting to question these beliefs. I have friends who are Christian, Jewish, and Islamic; and I am curious about their lives and their religions. They are firm believers of their faith and while they have always respected the fact that I am Atheist, I still feel different.

Whenever we have a tough test, I can see many of my friends bowing their heads in a quick prayer. I am not certain if it is the prayers that help or just their belief in prayer, but they always seem less stressed and manage to do better than they thought they would. When times are tough, they put their faith in their god that things will be okay and have friends praying for them. Again, I am not certain if it is the prayers that work or the sense of community outreach, but these people seem to have a sense of serenity that I lack during my own difficulties.

I would like to explore the idea of religion and spirituality in my life, but I do not know how to tell my parents. I am not looking to join a particular organized religion, but I am curious about god and the idea of a God. I know that my friends would gladly help me on this quest; I am not so certain my parents will approve, though. Do you have any ideas on how to convince them to let me explore these ideas?

Signed,
Looking Into It

Dear Looking Into It:

Most parents are concerned about their teenaged children losing their religion, not gaining it. Your situation is different than most, so I am glad you have a supportive network of friends to help you through this time and to answer any questions you might have about their own religious beliefs and the place their religion plays in their lives. Take advantage of this support group and soak up as much knowledge as you can; it will help you to decide where you stand on what must be a very confusing – and touchy – subject.

As for how you should approach your parents, it has been my experience that most Atheists tend to have more liberal viewpoints on life. This means that although they may not respect your choice they will not stand in your way of exploring it. This does not mean that your parents will support your choice (i.e. drive you to religious services or even to the library to research various religions), but they may surprise you.

You are approaching a time in your life where you will find yourself parting ways with your parents’ beliefs on a variety of subjects; it is a part of growing up. You may find that your beliefs remain your own, or you may discover yourself circling back to the beliefs with which you were raised. This is all a part of your journey to adulthood, and something every parent comes to expect from their child. When you are ready to make a decision, swallow your fear and approach your parents. The strength of your convictions will give you the strength you need to do this.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. According to the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 18, the right to freely express and practice one’s religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and to change one's religious beliefs is a human right guaranteed to all. Just a bit of trivia to lift your heart!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #38 - In Observance Of Easter

Dear Readers:

Today Christians around the world celebrate the Feast of Easter (with the exception of Orthodox Christians, who will celebrate it next week). Religion is a topic that can bring out controversy, with arguments both for and against. It is for these reasons that I have chosen the particular essay that I am reprinting today - because it debates not the belief in a deity, but argues the numbers who hold a belief in one man.

To my Jewish readers, I wish you a blessed Passover....to my Christian readers, a Happy Easter...to those of other beliefs or no beliefs at all, I wish you a joyous Sunday!

Snuggles,
Tazi

One Solitary Life

by  Dr. James Allen Francis

Here is a man who was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant woman. He grew up in another village. He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty. Then for three years He was an itinerant preacher.

He never owned a home. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never had a family. He never went to college. He never put His foot inside a big city. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place He was born. He never did one of the things that usually accompany greatness. He had no credentials but Himself...

While still a young man, the tide of popular opinion turned against him. His friends ran away. One of them denied Him. He was turned over to His enemies. He went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed upon a cross between two thieves. While He was dying His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had on earth – His coat. When He was dead, He was laid in a borrowed grave through the pity of a friend.

Nineteen long centuries have come and gone, and today He is a centerpiece of the human race and leader of the column of progress.

I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, all the navies that were ever built; all the parliaments that ever sat and all the kings that ever reigned, put together, have not affected the life of man upon this earth as powerfully as has that one solitary life.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.