Foot Odor, Nosy Co-Worker Make For Uncomfortable Office Environment

Dear Tazi:

I have a terribly embarrassing problem. I have horrible foot odor. Even though I wash my feet daily; wear thick, absorbent socks; and use powder to absorb any swear my feel still smell rank. It think it is very noticeable to others, even when I am wearing shoes, although no one has ever said anything about it - until now.

I recently started a new job, and the woman in the cubicle next to me must have a very sensitive sense of smell because she keeps telling me she smells "a dirty foot kind of smell" and that she cannot figure out from where it is coming. She has asked me if I can smell it, too, or if she is going crazy. Our co-workers say to ignore her, that she is always smelling something; but I can't help but wonder if she is smelling my feet. Should I say something? Apologize? Pretend not to notice? I just don't know what to do, Tazi!

Signed,
Smelly Paws

Dear Smelly Paws:

Have you talked to your doctor about this problem? Generally, foot and other body odors are harmless, caused by a combination of excessive sweating and the bacteria that feed on human sweat. If you have tried all of the over-the-counter methods to combat foot odor - such as Gold Bond medicated powder or Odor Eaters products for your shoes - and you are still not getting relief, perhaps it is time to try a prescription-strength deodorant and antiperspirant. I hear that Drysol - or any other brand of aluminum chloride hexahydrate (AlCl3*6H2O) based product - has a wonderful success rate for humans with your exact same problem.

In the meantime, if you are not comfortable revealing to your co-worker that you are the source of the foot odor, do not feel obligated to do so. The next time your co-worker complains, suggest that she try using a small, desktop air freshener to combat the offensive "phantom odor" that only she can smell. Soon enough your problem should be solved - and so, in turn, will hers - until she finds another smell to bring to the attention of everyone in the office.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is An Online Affair Still Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

I feel like an idiot. I feel like I have been used. Worst of all, I feel like I have nobody to blame but myself. I know how you think that Facebook causes more relationship problems than any other social networking site, and you can add my story to that file.

I started dating "John" online about six months ago. (I have already changed his name, so please do not change it for me). He is an old friend that I found on Facebook, someone I have always crushed on. I saw from his page that he had a girlfriend and that they have been together for years so I asked him why they never got married and he told me it was because she was not ready. He did not offer any other explanation. At the time, he and his girl were going through a rough patch, and we started flirting online. I sent him some naughty pictures of myself, and he really seemed to like them so I sent him some more, figuring that sooner or later he and his girl would be breaking up and I would finally get a chance to date him in person.

This week, I went to John's girl's Facebook page because I saw on his page that she had tagged him in her status update. Her page isn't private, so I was able to see everything - pictures of them together, smiling and happy; love notes from him to her; and something that really steamed me, the status update where she tagged him. They had just returned from a romantic vacation to New England and she was bragging about how romantic he was. They did not look like a couple that was about to break up anytime soon.

I emailed John asking for an explanation, wanting to know why he went away on vacation with his girlfriend if things were so bad between them. He denied ever wanting to break up with her; said the "rough patch" only lasted a few weeks; and that he was an idiot to ever confide in me since it was obvious I took things the wrong way.

I want to send an email to John's girl (her address is listed on her Facebook profile) and tell her what a lying cheat her boyfriend really is, but I don't know if this will help or hurt my chances with John. What do you think I should do, Tazi? I know how you think honesty is the best policy. Should I be the bearer of bad news?

Signed,
Still Wanting Him

Dear Still Wanting Him:

You mention that you have been in an online relationship with John for six months. The fact that this relationship was a virtual one means it was never consummated, which means that as despicable as John's behavior was (accepting nude photos of another woman) it does not quite rise to the level of cheating, at least not in my book. What you have had with John is an affair of the heart, and from the sound of things it was pretty one sided. From what you write, it sounds to me like John is perfectly content to be with his current partner.

You ask me if it would be okay to email a woman you have never met - through Facebook - and tell her that her boyfriend of several years is a liar and a cheat. I think this is quite possibly the worst idea I have ever heard - even worse than the woman who wanted to marry a prison inmate. Here are the facts of the matter at hand:

1. John's girlfriend does not know you. Unless you have solid proof of illicit intentions - emails from John professing his feelings, naughty pictures of him, or anything even remotely questionable - this woman will have zero reason to believe you over John.

2. You say that John is an old friend that you have always "crushed on". Is this really how you want to treat an old friend? Yes, John was wrong to encourage you to send further nude photos of yourself, but you have to remember that the initial batch was sent unsolicited. It was you who pursued what you saw as an opportunity, not the other way around.

3. John does not sound interested in you as it is. Do you think destroying his relationship with a woman he obviously loves is going to improve your chances of landing him? If you answered "yes" to that question, slap yourself for me - it was rhetorical, and the answer is "no"!


I am getting a lot of mileage out of this pic lately!

I have re-read your letter a couple of times now, and from what you write it appears that all John is guilty of is grossly bad judgement in allowing an online flirtation to escalate. Since I know of very few men that would say no to receiving nude pictures of an attractive woman, I have to give John a pass on this one, regardless of my personal feelings on this matter. In my opinion, John has not cheated and any lies he has told have been lies of omission - because let's face it, what man is going to tell his girlfriend about something like this? It sounds to me that you are seeking my permission to seek revenge on John. Permission denied.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Proper Office Attire Can Make Or Break The Interview

Dear Tazi:

I am a recent college graduate, which is to say that I do not have a lot of money. My debts (student loans, credit cards) are high and my finances are low; so I do not have a lot of money for life’s necessities, and you can forget about the extras! I am looking for a full-time job in my field, and between my grades and my past internships my résumé looks pretty good!

I have been called in for several interviews, and have always worn my best suit, but apparently my best clothes are not good enough. I do realize my suit is not the latest fashion and my shirt and tie not the latest colors, but once I start making some real money I will be able to afford new dress clothes. Right now, I need someone to take a chance on me so I can prove that what’s underneath the suit is top-notch.

I don’t expect you to be able to offer me any practical advice, but I hope you will print my letter so that maybe the people who hire others will take into consideration that recent graduates have not yet had the chance to build up a 5-star wardrobe, but are willing to do so once they are financially able.

Signed,
More Gooch Than Gucci

Dear More Gooch Than Gucci:

Your situation is not an uncommon one, for graduates or others who are seeking employment after being unemployed for a stretch of time. I realize that you are having a hard time making ends meet, so if new clothes are an impossibility at this time there is not much you can do about it. However, you do not need to be buying Gucci to look good. JC Penney has some nice men’s clothing for not a lot of money. You do not have to go all-out in order to look good for an interview. A new shirt and tie combination will freshen up your look without busting your budget, and all you need is one – for the interview.

Once you have a job, you could budget money each week towards small changes to your wardrobe that will make a big difference in your look. If a new shirt and tie from JC Penney or Wal-Mart are out of your budget, and you are unable to attain a short-term loan from Mom and Dad to assist with these necessary costs, I suggest that you try to make do with what you have; sprucing up as much as possible for your interviews and making sure that you look professional – this means no sagging pants or un-tucked shirts. A professional wears his pants on his upper hip or waist, not “below the equator” as my Mommie’s college R.A. used to say!

You can also mention the elephant in the room when you are interviewing. Tell the Hiring Manager that you realize your wardrobe does not fit with the company image and that you will work to change that once you start earning a paycheck. As impressive as your credentials might be, the companies with which you are interviewing have a public image that they wish to represent. If your look does not meet that standard, you must let them know that you are willing to accommodate them if they are willing to give you a chance. Good luck and happy job hunting!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Post-publication P.S.: OMG!!!! Someone just told me what "gooch" means in today's slang! EWWWWWW!!!!!!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost - Tazi Recommends: Kickin' It Old School

Dear Readers:

Are you a child of the '80's? Do you love the '80's? Are you so stuck in the 80's that you named your child Prince? Than you will want to visit the blog I will be reviewing today,

Kickin' It Old School
80's and More

I have no idea who write this blog - his profile tells me he is some married dude from Wisconsin, so as far as I am concerned this is the 5th best thing ever to come out of that state - right after the Green Bay Packers, beer, cheese, and That '70's Show. Kickin' It Old School offers some pretty amazing stuff that you won't find anywhere else - like actual interviews with real '80's celebrities; memory lane stuff like the Geraldo Rivera career killer that was Al Capone's empty vault; and those great, horribly awful, '80's commercials! (How many bikers do you know that dress like the Capitol One viking warriors?)

Whether your thing is a tribute to Freddy Krueger or a Top Ten List of Sidekick Characters from 80s Movies (be sure to check out Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli!), Kickin' It Old School has what you love about '80's pop culture. Here is where I stress pop culture; the closest thing to rap you will find on this blog is Will "The Fresh Prince" Smith's A Nightmare on My Street.

My one complaint about this site is the way it is organized: it needs work. Each blog is listed by the month and year in which it was written; meaning there are no title links to click on, so if you are looking for something specific you may have to do a little searching, but that's also a part of what makes this site so fun - searching through all the cheese that made the '80's so great. If you stop by Kickin' It Old School be sure you have a few hours to kill because the archives are extensive, dating back to January 2008. As a bonus, if Kickin' It Old School doesn't offer you enough '80's stuff, there is also a long list of blogs that are referenced throughout the site, so you can go directly to the source material. I'm telling you, this blog is stuffed fatter than a Thanksgiving turkey and it's full of all things '80's. So what are you waiting for? Don't make me go Rambo on you! Put that Sunday paper down and get on over to Kickin' It Old School! In the meantime, I'll be taking a nap on your stonewashed jeans (I mean your Sunday paper!).

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Here is something you will not see on Kickin' It Old School but should! Enjoy!



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Perfection Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend, "Martha", who is perfect in every way possible. Her house is always immaculately clean, her children perfectly poised, and her figure like that of a movie star. Martha's husband is equally good-looking, holds a very impressive job where he makes six-figures, and is as devoted a husband as I have ever seen. Meanwhile, I am 40 pounds overweight, my kids are forever getting dirty, my house looks like a tornado hit it, and my husband is just an Average Joe. I feel like Fred and Wilma Flintstone to Martha's Barney and Betty Rubble. The worst part is, Martha has never, ever given me a reason to dislike her. In fact, she is one of the sweetest people you would ever want to meet; always the first to lend a hand, or to compliment the work of others.

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible person for wishing SOMETHING bad will befall Martha - after all, into everyone's life a little rain must fall, right? Other times, I feel terrible about wishing ill on someone as nice as Martha. What is wrong with me, Tazi? I love my husband and my children, and I think I have a pretty good life...until I see all that Martha has, and find myself wanting more.

Signed,
Green-Eyed Monster

Dear Green-Eyed Monster:

From your signature, I believe you already know what is wrong: You are jealous of all that Martha has, and are thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Try to remember that the reason for that may be because that is where the cesspool is hidden.

Rather than concentrate on what you do not have that Martha does, why not try to concentrate on all that you do have? Your husband may be an "Average Joe", but is he dependable and loving and a good provider? What is so "average" about that? Your children may be "forever getting dirty", but that means that they are outside playing and having a good time, instead of sitting in front of the TV playing video games. As for your figure, are you unhappy with how you look? Or only how you look in comparison to Martha? You are correct in thinking that Barney and Betty Rubble were the more glamorous couple when compared to Fred and Wilma Flintstone; but Fred and Wilma were a great couple in their own right! (Remember, Betty and Barney were not without their own issues, having suffered infertility! Bam-Bam, you may recall, was adopted).

The next time you find yourself wishing something bad will befall Martha, try to remember all of the blessings in your life; and recall the story of Richard Cory, a poem by the New England writer (he was from Maine) Edwin Arlington Robinson. You will never know the full story of someone's life until you are able to walk a mile in their shoes. A little rain must fall into everyone's life, but there is a chance Martha received her share at an early age. Try to be happy for your friend's blessings, and I am certain she will count you among them. Good friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. For those who are interested, below is the poem I mention...

Richard Cory
by Edgar Arlington Robinson (1869-1935)

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favoured and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good Morning!" and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich, yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine -- we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread,
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet in his head.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Differing Tastes, Parenting Styles Making Mountains Out Of Molehills

Dear Tazi:

I am the mother of a toddler. In a world full of violence, I would like to keep my child shielded from evil for as long as possible. I monitor what little television I allow "Eddie" to watch, keep educational DVD's on-hand for his entertainment, and do my best to limit his exposure to roughhousing that occurs on the playground and in other public areas. The one problem I am having is occurring in my own home, with my husband's taste in movies.

"Rick" has a preference for violent horror movies that turn my stomach. I refuse to watch the absolute garbage that he calls entertainment, and ask that he not view these materials during Eddie's waking hours. Rick feels that I am raising Eddie to be "a complete and total wuss", but has honored my request not to watch his gruesome movies when there is a chance Eddie could walk in on him, as he agrees that "R-rated" movies are inappropriate for young children. Because of this, Rick watches his movies late at night before bed. It can get rather late before the movies end, so Rick has developed a habit of simply turning off the TV and going to bed without taking his DVD out of the player.

A few nights ago, I went out with my girlfriends and left Eddie and Rick at home to have some father-son bonding time. Rick told me that they had watched some of Eddie's Baby Bumblebee DVD's and had a fun evening together before putting Eddie to bed for the night. I thought this meant that the Baby Bumblebee DVD's were the only thing viewed that night. I was wrong.

Eddie woke up in the middle of the night, upset that I had been out at bedtime, so I hugged and snuggled him; but he would not go back to sleep. I carried him out to the living room to view his DVD and was shocked to discover that my husband had left a Quentin Tarantino movie in the DVD player! My innocent child was exposed to machine guns, blood, and profanity! Thankfully, it was only a few seconds until I was able to stop the DVD and shield Eddie - who did not seem to notice what was going on - but the damage was done. Rick cannot understand why I am so angry with him! How difficult would it have been for him to remove his DVD and put our son's DVD back into the player?

Rick says I am over-reacting and being a control freak; I say that Rick is being a lackadaisical parent. My concern is making sure an episode like this never happens again. I am tempted to ban violent movies from our home, but Rick has already said he would not abide by such a rule. What is your opinion, Tazi?

Signed,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent:

The issue at hand appears to be more than just a difference in opinion between you and your husband; but a difference in parenting styles. Your husband has agreed to compromise in order to balance his personal interests with the well-being of your child, and it appears that this dynamic has been working well. You mention that Rick has a habit of leaving his DVD's in the DVD player; have you developed the habit of double-checking the DVD player to see what is actually in it before turning it on? You do so much to shield your son from real-world violence, I would not think this one small step (just the push of a button) would be too much to consider in order to keep the peace in your home.

Banning violent movies from your home is not the answer. Your husband's tastes in movies may not reflect your own, but to tell him he cannot bring these movies into his own home is to treat him like a child. In a healthy marriage, both members are equal partners with an equal say in matters. You are Rick's wife - not his mother, so it would be in the best interest of your marriage not to try and discipline him.

You say that your son did not seem to notice the few seconds of the violent movie that played, and I am inclined to believe that he was too tired to notice anything more than his Mama's arms around him. I would not fret that this incident will be the ruination of your son's innocence. Furthermore, rather than blame your husband, use this incident as a lesson to never assume - as the expression goes, it makes an "ass" out of "u and me".

A simple, inexpensive solution that would guarantee an incident like this one will never occur again would be to buy a second DVD player dedicated solely for your child's movies. DVD players can be purchased for less than $50; the expense could be considered an investment in your child's well-being. You could even label it "EDDIE'S DVD PLAYER" so there would be no confusion as to which player is which. I'll close by saying that I believe the more important issue at hand is for you and your husband to get onto the same page when it comes to parenting your child. Your local community center may be able to assist with some low-cost or free parenting classes.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Much Parenting Is Too Much Parenting?

Dear Tazi:

Three years ago, when I was a senior in high school, my mother noticed that I was interested in attending a prestigious out-of-state college. At first, Mother thought nothing of it since she doubted that I would actually move across the country, so when my acceptance letter arrived it was quite a shock to her when I told her I was prepared to accept the school’s offer of admittance. Going to this college would have meant a great deal of financial sacrifice on my part, as well as student loans, but I was prepared to follow my dream. Mother was very upset with my plan, and offered to pay – all expenses – for my junior and senior years if I took my freshman and sophomore years at the local community college. After giving this idea much thought, I agreed. I excelled at my community college, graduating with highest honors and many accolades as well as re-acceptance into my first choice school and the knowledge that it would not cost me anything, thanks to my agreement with Mother. Here is where my problem starts:

Mother is very upset that I still wish to finish my education at my first choice school. She was hoping that the extra two years spent locally would “work things out of my system”; that I would have met someone by now and considered my education complete after only two years. Although I have dated, there has never been anyone serious in my life. I preferred to concentrate on my education, knowing that I would be moving across the country as soon as I graduated community college. I am prepared to go, and Mother is reluctantly holding up her end of the bargain, with a twist: she is insisting on leaving our home and moving across the country with me!

My Papa thinks Mother is being too clingy and has told her so, but she refuses to change her mind. She has told Papa that he can stay here if he wants but she will be moving with me. She has even started looking for apartments near my school so we can live together! Tazi, one of the goals I have for myself is to learn how to live independently of Mother. This is one of the reasons my out-of-state school is so attractive to me, in addition to the excellent scholastic program it offers. Obviously, I cannot force Mother to stay here at home while I am away at school, but I refuse to take an apartment with her. I am also worried about Papa. He loves Mother so much; it would break his heart if she were to move out on him. Do you have any advice on how to mediate this whole crazy mess?

Signed,
Future Bulldog

Dear Future Bulldog:

Congratulations on your acceptance to your first choice college. You have shown maturity beyond your years by deciding to complete your first two years of college at an affordable community college and graduate debt-free. Your grades and your achievements also speak to this maturity, which is why I believe you are ready to try life on your own terms, even if your mother is not ready for this to happen.

I am not sure if your mother realizes this, but she is being what college administrators call a “helicopter parent”, hovering over her child and trying to control your every move. Not only is this unhealthy for you – since you are no longer a child and are trying to live like an adult – it is unhealthy for your mother. Now that you are grown and ready to take the next steps in your life it is time for your mother to do the same. This can be very scary for a mother, who has spent almost half of her life (or more) caring for her children. While you are trying to establish a new identity as an adult, your mother is trying to cling to her identity as a Mom.

If your community college has an Advising and Counseling department it would do you well to make an appointment with them to discuss the life changes you will be experiencing at your new college. Your mother should go with you; this way, she can hear first-hand what is going on and ask any questions she might have. The counselor will reassure her that you do not need – nor would it be healthy to have – your mother by your side during this transitional stage of life. If your community college does not have an Advising and Counseling department, a clergy member or social worker should also be able to offer guidance in this matter.

If you are planning on living off-campus in an apartment, you might want to move in a few weeks early and ask your mother to come with you to help you get settled into your new place. This would offer a compromise between her moving in with you (and leaving your father behind) and feeling like she has completely abandoned you to a whole new world – one that does not include her. From there, I suggest that you set a day and time to call your mother each week. This will give her something to look forward to, as well as give you the chance to tell her how well you are doing on your own. Your reassurance that she raised her daughter to be a capable woman is the best gift you could possibly give her. As for what she can give you, it has been said that the best gifts a parent can give their child are roots and wings. Use both accordingly.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Yale? Gonzaga? Georgia? UC - Fresno? All are Bulldogs, and I am curious as to which one you will attend!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

For Some, Everything Is A Competition - Even Illness

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law "Betsy" has me wanting to scream! With her, everything is a competition. Back when she and my brother were dating Betsy saw me as a threat because he and I were so close, so she felt the need to one-up me every chance she got. If I won an award, Betsy would talk about how many more awards she had won; if I bought a new dress, Betsy would run out and buy and entire new wardrobe; when I took up photography as a hobby, Betsy invested in a professional digital camera. She even delayed her wedding to my brother because she wanted a nicer venue than the one my husband and I had! You get the picture. The worst part is, Betsy and my brother do not have the money to be making all of these expensive purchases! Because my brother is head over heels for Betsy, he lets her charge whatever she wants tot heir credit cards, with the idea that they will get paid off "eventually". Her attitude upsets not just me, but the rest of my family as well.

I am generally not petty, and have learned to ignore Betsy's insecure behaviors, but she recently went beyond the pale and I am not sure I can hold it together around her much longer. What started out as a recent, routine doctor's appointment turned into a living nightmare when a lump was discovered in my breast. The doctor did not want to worry me, but was concerned enough to order a biopsy, the results of which would take a couple of weeks.

I did not want to call a false alarm and worry my family; but I did not want them to wonder why I was suddenly so moody and short-tempered while waiting on the test results, so I told my husband and immediate family - our children, my parents, and my brother. Since I really did not need Betsy's one-upmanship during this time, I did not tell her about my biopsy, but she found out anyway from my brother, who mentioned it in conversation with her.

Thankfully, the biopsy came back normal and I do not have cancer. For this, I am grateful. However, I now have to deal with Betsy carrying on about how I "always have to be the center of attention" and "worried the family half out of mind over nothing" and, worst of all, her own tales of "the many times" she thought she might have cancer but was "strong enough" to keep it to herself. At first, I was concerned that Betsy had gone through cancer scares alone in an attempt to appear brave, but after my mother pressed her she elaborated - her "cancer scares" were no more than WebMD symptom searches, where anything can be cancer if you look hard enough.

Tazi, I want to take the high road, and I have tried to put this past me, but Betsy just announced (over Sunday dinner, no less) that she has a doctor's appointment because she's been having headaches and "might have a brain tumor" and wants to have her symptoms evaluated "like 'Jennifer' did at her last doctor's appointment". Thankfully, I had a mouthful of food and started choking, allowing me to excuse myself before taking Betsy to task. How should I handle things, when this issue arises again?

Sign Me,
"Jennifer"

Dear "Jennifer":

First, let me offer you my congratulations that you are cancer free - such a health scare is like no other, so I can completely understand why you are offended by your sister-in-law's self-diagnosis, and her comparison of her special doctor's appointment with your routine one.

One detail you left our was your family's reaction to Betsy's news. Were they honestly concerned or was there a lot of eye-rolling in her direction? I ask because both extremes will feed Betsy's need for attention - the former a reward for her pleas, the latter a challenge to try harder. Betsy's reaction to your health scare - and her constant need to be the best - stem from a very fragile ego. Whether Betsy suffers from low self-esteem or an inflated sense of self-worth, it is obvious that she sees you as a threat to the love that her husband (your brother) feels for her.

I would advise you to sit down with Betsy and be straight with her. Explain to her - nicely - that you are concerned that she seems to constantly need to compete with you for attention, and that this competition is one-sided; that she is family, and that you wish to have the close relationship that sisters-in-law should have. Tell her that the comments she made about your needlessly worrying the family hurt you and that you did not share your medical news to draw attention to yourself, but rather to explain a sudden change in personality.

I cannot promise that, as a result of this conversation and line of reasoning, Betsy will change her behavior, but she will at least be aware of how you and the rest of the family view it. I would like to recommend counseling for Betsy, but for you to suggest it to her would most likely end badly. I just hope that she is reading this column, and sees herself in your letter.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Custody Battle Over The Pet Requires Special Considerations

Dear Tazi:

You are a cat and your Mommie that you often speak of is a cat owner, so I am writing for your opinion on a very upsetting matter. My wife, "Monica" has decided that our marriage of eight years is no longer worth fighting for and she has left me. She has told me I can keep the apartment, but she wants to take the cat with her. I absolutely refuse to allow her to take "Boots" from me. I was the one who brought Boots home from the litter, so even though he is the family cat I feel that I have that claim on him. Plus, my wife is the one leaving; why should Boots suffer the stress of being uprooted from the only home he has ever known?

"Monica" thinks I am being a jerk (what else is new) and is demanding custody of Boots, saying that he loves her best and would want to come with her; that if he could say anything other than "meow" he would say he wants to live with her. She claims to know this because she has a "psychic connection" with Boots.

In order to keep Monica from stealing Boots, I have informed the landlord that she has moved off the property, and taken her name off of the lease. This is something she needed to do anyway, in order to attain a new lease on a new apartment, so I wasn't being a [censored] as she claims. She was also required to turn in her keys, but I know that she had a secret spare set. When I informed the landlord of this, he changed the locks so she could not enter the property when I am not home. I will not have her kidnapping Boots!

Monica has discovered that the locks were changed and is throwing a fit. I KNEW she would try to steal Boots; she claims she was stopping by to see if she had mail and that I was wrong to change the locks and to accuse her of attempted catnapping. She is threatening to sue me for both a divorce and custody of Boots.

Tazi, Boots is very close to the both of us. It has only been two weeks since Monica left, and we both miss her so much. Boots has been looking for extra affection during this time, so I am starting to wonder if sending him to live with Monica would be best for him. Do you think a shared custody arrangement would work? All I want is what is best for my cat. Monica and I have no children, so Boots is all I have now. Do you think I could win custody in a court battle?

Signed,
Bootsie's Poppy

Dear Bootsie's Poppy:

Is Boots a show cat of some kind? Or is he an American Short Hair, like me? This distinction is what the court systems in most states look at when deciding who gets the pets in a divorce. Sadly, we are seen as nothing more than property; if our cash value is negligible the courts will usually refuse to rule on the matter. Of course, cash value means nothing when it comes to the love between a pet and its human companion; there is no way to put a price on something like that!

I realize that both you and Monica love Boots and can understand the need for extra snuggles during this period of adjustment. Perhaps you could allow Monica to have supervised visitation until you decide how to handle full-time custody of Boots? Paw to God, I know one couple that worked out their marital woes this way because neither one wanted to give up custody of their cat, "Baby". Lucky kitty! He didn't have to move!

If there is one thing cats hate more than anything it is moving. A human can simply pick up their stuff and go; for a cat, it is not that simple, not to mention most humans refuse to pack our treasured belongings. (When I moved, you should have seen the look on my Mommie's face when I asked her to pack the decomposing chipmunk I had been saving in the crawl space!) A cat's home is its territory. A cat knows all the secret places where he can hide (like the aforementioned crawl space); has a favorite napping place (the crawlspace); and has an understanding with the other cats in the area about where his territory ends and where theirs begins. Even an indoor cat has a certain outdoor radius that they consider theirs (generally several feet from their favorite window, in either direction).

Nobody likes to be the new kid on the block, and cats don't make new friends very easily; so moving them from this carefully balanced system can stress them in ways that can take weeks or even months to fully recover. Because of this, I would ask Monica to please consider Boots' needs and to put them before her own. If she insists on a court custody battle, please advocate for Boots and not yourself. That is the sign of the true love a human has for his or her four-legged companion.

Snuggles to you and Boots,
Tazi

P.S. If Monica insists on taking Boots with her before custody can be legally decided, pack all of his things in order to make the move easier on him. Be sure to include his favorite napping blankets, his kitty bed, his feeding dishes, and the rotting animal he probably has hidden under your bed. Something tells me you will especially enjoy packing that one. --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Dreams Of Being A Successful Writer; Asks Tazi How

Dear Tazi:

I am a senior in high school, and I love to write. It doesn't matter what kind of writing it is (creative or non-fiction, poetry, journalism, short-stories), I just enjoy the creative process and emotional release it offers. I would like to be a professional writer one day; but the problem is, I think I might not be that good of a writer.

My parents have never allowed me to take writing classes as electives, preferring I take extra science and math courses so I have never had any formal training. My school has a literary magazine that is published twice yearly, but my stuff has never been chosen for publication. It is a blind process (the selection committee does not see who wrote what), so I know it is not a popularity contest, with the most popular kids getting their stuff published...I just feel like maybe I am chasing a dream that will never be realized. I could self-publish, but that stuff is done on consignment and I do not want to invest my college money into something that may flop big time.

I will be going to college next year, and I know that the school I will be attending has a required freshman writing class where I can learn what I am doing wrong, but I would like to major in writing and I am just not certain if I am good enough to do it. I love your column, Tazi; it is so creative and is always fun to read. You have mentioned in the past that you sometimes have to re-work the letters for structure, to make them easier to read, and it is obviously working - I have seen your page view map and people from all over the world read your column! Do you have any tips on how I can be a better writer? I have enclosed a few samples of my stuff for you to review, if you don't mind.

Signed,
Future Rowling, Collins, Or Meyer...I Hope!

Dear Future Rowling, Collins, Or Meyer:

Oh, my! You do seem to have an appreciation for current popular fiction! Have you discovered any classic authors yet? My favorite is T.S. Eliot, who wrote about cats. Lloyd Alexander did the same, although his work was geared more towards children. I also enjoy Stephen King - my favorite is Pet Semetary, which features a zombie cat. I am somewhat obsessed with my own kind, as all cats tend to be obsessed with themselves; at least us male cats. Female cats tend to be more nurturing. Speaking of nurturing versus self-centered, my lady friend came by to visit tonight; but I was too busy napping to pay her any mind...but I digress, which happens often when I am writing. I was supposed to address your question, wasn't I?

The above paragraph is an example of my unedited work. Did you notice how I started to ramble off topic? Did you lose interest, because my writing was turning into a self-absorbed soliloquy? I left the above paragraph unedited to show the importance of editing, which is the greater part of successful writing. So often, when we write, we cannot see past our own point-of-view. We fall in love with what we have written and cannot see the need to edit it - we assume that it will be of such great interest to others, too, and declare our first draft to be perfection! So why mess with it, right? Because - to be quite honest - a first draft is something nobody but the writer (and possibly the writer's Grandma) will find fascinating. Most people find a first draft of something confusing or downright uninteresting - both of which can be hard to follow.

Successful writing is like successful cooking - you can't just throw all of your ingredients in one pot, stir, and serve. You have to add the right elements at the proper time, taste-test to make sure you have the right blend, and then walk away to allow the flavors to blend and marinate in their own juices. When you write, you take an idea and work on developing it, adding background to the story-line and deciding on where the plot is going by creating an outline of the story.

As your idea develops, you add the plot points in at the proper time to ensure continuity. Then, when you think you have everything in place, you write a rough draft and then walk away from it, to let it sit and allow your excitement over your creation to dissipate. Return when you feel you can view your work with a critical - but not overly judgmental - eye. You will notice changes that need to be made to make things flow better and to make for a more interesting experience for the reader. Once you finish your second draft, put it aside and then lather, rinse, repeat! If you feel additional changes are not needed, run your work by someone in your potential audience who would be willing to evaluate it and give you constructive criticism; make further edits based upon the comments you receive. As you can see, several drafts may be needed before you reach a final, finished product.

Once you reach your end-point with a particular piece, compare the completed work with the first draft and make notes on what was changed, what was kept, and what was completely eliminated. Over time, you will see a pattern developing and you will be able to learn more about your strengths and weaknesses as a writer, building towards the success you seek.

Do not feel discouraged by the process, or by those who make the process look easy - writers who declare their work to be perfect on the first try and/or who pump out stuff overnight very rarely receive wide, sustained, commercial success for their work. For more tips on commercially successful writing, visit People I Want To Punch In The Throat: My Blogging Advice. By pure chance, her blog today happens to be on how she has managed to successfully (read: go viral and get paid) work as a professional freelance writer.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. with regard to your writing samples: Vampires have been overdone. Try not to stand on the shoulders of giants, but to build your own ladder to reach the stars. The full narratives are somewhat disjointed - especially the two poems you included to start and end of the story. They are obviously quite personal; perhaps a little too personal, as one would have to be able to crawl inside your mind to fully understand their meaning.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost - Tazi Recommends: On Sandwiches

Dear Readers:

Some people knowingly carry dogs in their purses; others unwittingly tote their cats around. My Mommie is the latter, as she did not realize I was napping in her tote when she went out to dinner the other night. Consequently, I overheard her reminiscing over the very first time she had a French Dip sandwich. She mentioned that she was 10 and had no fondness for cold cuts (some things never change) but she liked the idea that the sandwich was both French and dippable, so she gave it a whirl. She ended by saying an oft heard phrase around my house, "A sandwich tastes better when somebody else makes it". If you have ever witnessed her attempts at making a sandwich, you will understand why this is so. Anyhow, in honor of my Mommie's love of sandwiches crafted by other people, this week I review

On Sandwiches
Sandwiches I Have Eaten And Would Like To Eat

The subject of this site makes me think this blog is written by Homer Simpson, but the fact of the matter is that the blog is more of a food review board than a "Mmmmmm....sandwich" kind of place. The author is obviously based out of California, so many of the sandwiches he has eaten have been crafted at California eateries. Each review comes with a full color picture of the sandwich being discussed, so you might not want to go to this site if you are hungry. Otherwise, it is a gustatory wonder! With categories like "Porkstravaganza" to "Vegan" you are bound to find a sandwich that perks up your appetite. I suggest you check it out to add inspiration to your menu! As for me, I do not like people food but the idea of a Fried Catfish Po' Boy caught my eye. Cat...fish? A fish just for a cat? I am all over that like the Sunday paper. Speaking of which, it's about time you put it down so the feline in your life can nap on it!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bed-Wetting Can Put A Damper On Slumber Party Fun

Dear Tazi:

I am seven years old and have a problem that is not funny. I wet the bed. My best friend is having a slumber party for her birthday next month and I want to go, but I am afraid I will have an accident. My Mommy took me to the doctor to see if she could do anything to help, but the doctor wanted to give me medicine and Mommy said no. I cried on my cat, Fluffy Lady, until my eyes were all red and my nose was stuffy but Mommy still said no to medicine that could help. Could you convince my Mommy to let me take the medicine so I can go to the slumber party?

Signed,
Potty Pooper

P.S. My Nana helped me to write this letter, but I did it almost all on my own!

Dear Potty Pooper:

It is no fun to wet the bed, but I want you to know that it is not your fault! Some children have small bladders that cannot hold a lot, or have weak bladder muscles that let go once the body is relaxed (like when you are asleep).

It was very nice of your Nana to help you write a letter to me! I am guessing that she would like to see you go to your friend's party, even if it means you have to take medicine, huh? This does not mean that your Mommy does not want you to go to the party; just that she does not want you to take medicine, because some medicines can hurt our bodies as well as help them - especially when we are little and still growing. It sounds to me like your Mommy is being very, very careful because she loves you so very much!

My Mommie used to babysit and nanny for a lot of different kids, and she told me that Huggies' GoodNights look just like real underwear and are made to help with bed-wetting. Maybe if your Mommie knows how much the slumber party means to you, she will buy you some to wear for this special occasion? Normally, I do not like to endorse products in my column ("endorse" is a big word for telling people to buy stuff), but my Mommie says GoodNights really work well! Dry beds in the morning, and no painful rashes, either!

Maybe if you and your Nana show your Mommy this letter, she will agree to this solution, and let you go to the party.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Please give Fluffy Lady a snuggle from me, too! She sounds like a very good pet to let you cry all over her!



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

True Beauty Comes From The Inside; A Beautiful Face Is A Bonus

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend of several years, "Barry" is a bartender. He works in a nightclub that is known for its fights, due to differing ethnic backgrounds (that don't get along) who both like to hang out there and call the place their ground. About six months ago, a raging brawl broke out. Barry was working that night and tried to calm things down before the cops arrived and got caught in the middle. He was struck in the face by a broken beer bottle, and had his cheek sliced open, from the top of his jaw diagonally down to his chin. The doctors say he was very lucky not to have incurred any major nerve damage and the only evidence of his ordeal is a long, jagged scar that runs the length of his face. It is this scar that is the problem.

Before this fight, Barry was a very handsome man. Now, the scar makes him look like a thug. I can't stand looking at him and seeing that nasty, jagged reminder of that awful fight! Because the scar is on his face, he was well-compensated by the worker's compensation insurance; and his health insurance will pay for any plastic surgery to have it removed. I have told Barry my feelings on the matter - that I would like to see the scar taken care of - but Barry has refused to undergo reconstructive or laser surgery to have it removed. He says the scar adds "character" and that he has learned to live it with it. I am not sure that I can learn to live with it, Tazi. I have told Barry this, but he just shrugs me off; he says that it is his face, so it is his decision. Don't I have a say, Tazi? I am the one who has to look at him! I know that sounds mean, but this scar is very upsetting to me!

Signed,
Scarface's Girlfriend

Dear Scarface's Girlfriend:

What is it exactly that bothers you about this scar? Are you upset that it has marred Barry's once perfect face? Or is the scar a difficult reminder of the night your boyfriend could have been killed in a bar-fight? You need to be honest with yourself when answering this question, for Barry's sake and well as the sake of your relationship with him.

To answer your question as to whether or not you have a say in the matter of Barry's scar, my answer is "maybe" - it all depends on what you want to say. If the scar is upsetting to you because it reminds you of the violent attack your boyfriend suffered, you need to explain this to him. Barry should then try to work with you in getting past this emotional trauma; because I am certain the attack was no picnic for him, either. This bonding experience could bring back your closeness as a couple.

If the scar is upsetting you because you think it makes your boyfriend look ugly - which, from your signature, I am guessing is closer to the truth - you need to get over yourself. Any kind of surgery is painful and has risks; and facial surgery possesses risks all its own. The face has more than a dozen major sensory and motor nerves, and thousands of nerves that branch off of those nerves, making facial surgery a painful experience. Additionally, should any one of those many nerves be damaged during surgery, facial deformity could occur. Barry could be left with a drooping eyelid or a sagging jaw if a nerve is damaged. I am almost positive that these risks were explained to Barry during his recovery period, and are most likely the reasons for his decision to leave the scar as it is - not because he thinks it adds "character".

I think you may have to learn to live with Barry as he now is and remember that true beauty emanates from within. You say that you have been with Barry for "several years"; I'd like to think your feelings for him are based upon more than just his good looks.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Falling For Counselor Wonders If She Should Look Elsewhere

Dear Tazi:

I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now, to discuss the problems I have been having in maintaining a romantic relationship with a man. In meeting with "Joe" on a weekly basis, I have been able to pinpoint the issues, and work on resolving them. My problem is, in a nutshell, that I date self-centered men who are only interested in having their needs met; men who are not the type to give or compromise to fulfill the needs of the woman in their life. Consequently, I end up being the one who does all of the giving and none of the taking and, when I choose to complain about how unfair things are, I am further victimized by being chastised or dumped.

Joe is the first man who has ever taken an interest in what I have to say - my opinions, my needs, my desires, hopes, and dreams! I never knew that a relationship with a man could be so fulfilling until I met him! Now, I realize that Joe is being paid to listen to me, but the euphoric feeling of the attention he gives me is one I would like to experience in a real relationship someday. I am trying very hard not to fall in love with my counselor, but it is difficult. For this reason, I have decided that it might be time that I dip my toe back into the waters of the dating scene. My problem is, I am scared that no man will ever measure up to "Joe".

Obviously, my concerns are something that I should be discussing with my counselor; but I am uncomfortable revealing to him that I have developed feelings for him. It would be a dream come true if he felt the same, but a nightmare if he did not - especially since it would mean that I would have to jump full-on into the dating pool to find someone I could care for the way I am starting to care for Joe. Is my letter even making any sense, Tazi? I guess what I am asking for is advice on what to tell my counselor: Should I tell him I am ready to start dating again; or that I would like to date him?

Signed,
Ready To Take the Next Step

Dear ready To Take the Next Step:

You are correct in your belief that your counselor is being paid to listen to you - so please keep that fact in mind! This does not mean that Joe does not care about you as a person, or even that he has not developed a sense of concern for you; but as a professional he must draw a strict line between his personal and professional relationships. This may break your heart, but I highly doubt Joe will be willing to socialize with you outside of his office - to do so would represent an extreme breach of ethics on his part.

As a counselor, Joe is in the unique position of being the person you trust to assist you through an emotionally charged time. It is not unusual for people to develop romantic feelings for their counselors; however, it is unusual for the counselor to develop reciprocal feelings for their patient. As Joe could explain to you if you were to reveal your feelings for him, the balance of power in such a relationship would be tipped in his favor as you are already dependent upon him for nurturing care.

Rather than telling Joe that you would like to date him, make a list of the qualities he possesses that attract you. Obviously, good listener is on that list; but is there anything else? What about qualities you seek that Joe does not possess? Be sure to add those to your list, too! Once you have that list in your head, tell Joe that you feel you are ready to start dating again; and that he has served as a wonderful role model of positive qualities that you would feel you should be looking for in a man. This compliment will tell Joe that his guidance has been helpful, and can also give him an opening to reiterate that the relationship between the two of you is strictly professional. Hearing such a sentiment from your counselor's mouth might go a long way towards strengthening your resolve towards finding an appropriate man to date.

Once the topic of re-entering the dating scene has been raised, your counselor can help to guide you away from the shallow men you have dated in the past and towards deeper, more meaningful opportunities.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Kept" Man Can't Keep With "Double Standard"

Dear Tazi:

Why it is society has such double standards, with women coming out on top? I am a twenty-something man who lives with my fiancée in a very nice luxury apartment. We would like to get married, once I have paid off my student loans, but we currently live together with her paying the rent and the bills; partially so I can pay my loans down faster and partially because she makes ten times as much money as I make. Everyone I know makes jokes about me being a "gigolo" (to the point where they start singing that old David Lee Roth song) and I am sick of it! Even my own father has secretly called me a "kept man"!

If the situation were reversed, and I was the one making all the money and paying the bills while my girlfriend concentrated on paying off her loans nobody would say a thing! Do you have any suggestions to get people off of my back?

Signed,
Not a Gigolo

Dear Not a Gigolo:

For the record, "Just A Gigolo" was originally recorded in America by Louis Armstrong. Roth re-popularized it in the '80's for new audiences. Sorry, but that was bothering me; now, onto your issue...

I can understand why you are vexed by your friends' mocking of your living situation, but you are not entirely correct when you say "If the situation were reversed...nobody would say a thing!" Plenty of women would be cautioning your fiancée about putting her financial security in a man as opposed to depending upon her own ability to support herself, and/or pushing her to get married ASAP. Furthermore, you need to ask yourself: If the situation was reversed - and you were the breadwinner - would your marriage be put on hold? Or would you and your fiancée be planning a wedding or even already married, and planning a family?

In this case, to compare the "double standard" between men and women is to compare apples and oranges. Traditionally, when a woman makes so much less than a man, she is expected to quit her job to become a homemaker while her husband remains the breadwinner - even if she desires to do otherwise. Different pressures are put upon women in this type of living situation. I suggest that you examine these differences by supposing that your role was reversed. Discuss the matter with your fiancée, and get her feelings on the subject. Open communications is one of many keys to a healthy, successful relationship and if this is an issue that is troubling you it needs to be discussed.

As for what to tell your friends who hassle you, ask them point-blank what they would do in your situation. Would they choose to live alone, in an apartment they could afford on their own? Would they move back home with Mom and Dad? By turning the tables and putting the onus on them to respond, they might just discover that they are living in a glass house - and should not be throwing stones when they see you through the windows. If they still refuse to stop teasing you, perhaps you need to find more mature friends.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Exotic Pets And Cats Are Not A Good Mix

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend of two years and I are talking about moving in together now that we have both graduated from high school. I love “Paul” dearly and would love to move our relationship to the next level but there is one major problem. Our pets are incompatible.

I have a cat – “Major Fluffums” – who I have had since I was 13. I would sooner cut off an arm than abandon Major, and my family has made it quite clear that Major Fluffums is my cat – where I go, he goes; not that I would have it any other way. I would never do anything to put major in danger or even the slightest discomfort. The way I see it, I am his human guardian and it is my responsibility to see to his proper care.

Paul has a snake – twelve foot long python that he keeps in a large fish tank. “Sally” only eats once every three to four weeks, but when she is fed live animals – guinea pigs, rabbits, mice, rats, and other prey animals. About once a week, Paul will allow Sally out of her tank for supervised roaming throughout his house. This takes place when nobody else is home because Paul’s mother and sisters are freaked out over Sally’s presence. The only reason Paul has been allowed to keep Sally is because she was a gift from his late father.

Paul’s mother has not had to tell him that if he moves out Sally must go as well, but it does not need to be said. I, on the other hand, will not move Major Fluffums into a house where there is an animal that views him as a future meal. I have told Paul as much, but he insists that Sally would never eat Major because he only lets her out of her cage between feedings, never before one. Paul feels about Sally as I do about Major Fluffums, so it appears there is no room for compromise. Short of waiting for one of our pets to pass away, do you have any suggestions on how to make a living arrangement between us work?

Signed,
Paul’s Girl But Major Fluffums’ Mom

Dear Paul’s Girl But Major Fluffums' Mom:

Where do I begin? First I will say that Paul cannot guarantee that Sally will not eat Major Fluffums. A python is a wild animal, and wild animals are unpredictable. The mere smell of Major Fluffums will be enough to drive Sally crazy, and if Paul has been anywhere near Major Fluffums the scent of cat will be on him, thus putting him in danger every time he approaches Sally. If this is something he has not realized yet, moving in together will bring this issue to the forefront.

Another issue is the licensing of a wild animal as a pet. In order to keep a python as a pet, you are required to have special permission from both your local municipality and the landlord from whom you are renting. While the municipal license may not be an issue, finding an understanding landlord might be a problem. If you are unable to find a landlord willing to rent to someone with a python, your problem with Major Fluffums becomes a non-issue.

Finally is the issue that both of you are putting your pets before each other. A successful relationship requires that each member put the other first; neither you nor Paul is doing this, nor do either of you appear to have the will to compromise on the matter. Before moving in together I think it would be best if you each made a list of what is important to you, and then compare notes to see just how willing each of you is towards supporting the goals of the other. You may be surprised at what you discover, and it may be enough to put the brakes on your plans to move your relationship to the next level.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Irresponsible Borrowing Causes Trouble For Lender

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is always borrowing things and never returning them!  I would not mind so much if I eventually got them back, but last week she decided to have a yard sale to clean out all of the clutter in her house.  I thought this would be my chance to get several of my personal items back, but she still did not return them.  You can imagine my surprise when I stopped by her yard sale to discover many of my personal belongings on sale!

I told "Beth" that several of the items she was trying to sell were mine, but she denied it.  She said that since I had never asked for the items back they were hers to do with as she pleased, and she was choosing to sell them to make a few extra dollars.  She told me she would compromise and let me take that which I could prove was mine without having to pay for it, but anything else that was for sale - or had already been sold - was fair game for her.  Tazi, I was livid!

I managed to find several of my sweaters and blouses (thankfully, they were monogrammed) and a few scarves; my favorite umbrella (also monogrammed); and a box full of my books (which had my bookplates inside the front cover).  While gathering up my stuff, someone had the audacity to tell me she was planning on buying much of what I was holding, and demanded it of me!  I was so disgusted, I walked off before letting Beth examine what I was taking with me...which has led to a bigger problem.

One of the items that I took - thinking in all honesty that it was mine - was an expensive, antique Waterford crystal decanter.  I recall having one once, and not remembering what happened to it so I figured I had let Beth borrow it and she had never returned it.  The decanter is easily worth $500, and Beth was going to sell it for $10!  This was the item that Beth's customer had wanted to purchase.  Beth called me about the missing decanter, and we argued over it.  I refused to return it, thinking it was mine.  Later that evening, when my husband came home from work, he was surprised to see the decanter and asked me where I got it.  When I told him, he reminded me that our decanter had shattered several years ago, when one of our nephews went careening into the sideboard.

I called Beth to offer an apology, with the disclaimer that she had so much of my stuff at her yard sale that it was an easy mistake to make, but she refused my apology - and demanded the $10 for the decanter!  I refused to pay her, and offered it back to her, but she refused, saying that I had walked off with it from the yard sale so therefore I had bought it.  Personally, I think Beth owes me for anything of mine that may have sold at her yard sale and that we are even!  What is your opinion, Tazi?

Signed,
Ripped...Off

Dear Ripped...Off:

When you loaned Beth all of these items, did you ever ask for her to return them or did you simply wait for her to eventually bring them back to you?  Did you ever remind her that she still had your stuff?  Unless you both have the same initials, I cannot imagine why someone would want to borrow another's monogrammed clothing, but I digress.  The point it you allowed Beth to use your stuff and you never asked for it back.  Your stuff was at Beth's house, where you could have easily picked it up or asked her to bring it over to your house - you did neither, nor did you offer to assist Beth with the sorting of items for her yard sale - you simply showed up and expected her to remember what was hers and what was yours, in spite of the fact that you did not remember all of that yourself.

The expression "neither a borrower or a lender be" is a reminder of the personal responsibility that is involved with each party.  While the borrower is responsible for returning the item they borrowed in the same condition it was received, the lender is taking a chance that this might not happen.  Furthermore, things like books are often exchanged between friends.  My Mommie has books that she loaned years ago, but never expected to see again once they were loaned figuring the cost of sharing a good book is worth more than the value of the book.  Some of these books were returned, others have now been passed on to friends of friends.  It happens!

In the case of what is yours and what is Beth's, there is responsibility to be had on both sides.  It appears to me that your personal possessions were of no value or use to you until they were about to be sold at a yard sale.  Do you really want to be this petty with a friend?  As for Beth, she needs to compromise.  She has the right to ask for either the money or the return of her decanter, but not the right to demand that you pay for it, especially after selling some of your possessions.  Pettiness is no way to respond to pettiness - it perpetrates an ugly cycle.

I suggest that the two of you shake hands over coffee and make up with each other.  Explain to Beth that you should have taken possession of (or made repeated requests for) your borrowed stuff long before it reached this point, but that you would have appreciated it if she separated out any items if which she was unsure of ownership - as you should have done before leaving her yard sale.  As for the decanter, if Beth does not want it back ask if you can "borrow it until further notice"...if she does not get the humor in that request, you may have to reconsider your friendship with this woman.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #63 - In Memory And Praise Of Grandparents

Dear Readers:

The loss of a grandparent is never easy, but when we are children those losses are easier to take; we have not had enough time to get to know our grandparents as full and real people; they are just our grandparents, those old people that always seem to have time for us when Mom and Dad don’t. Many of us who lost our grandparents when we were very young only come to realize their importance in our lives after we have children of our own and see them frolicking with our parents, their grandparents. As my own Mommie said as she eulogized her Grandpa, “as children, we have more respect for our grandparents because unlike our parents, grandparents have always been old, so we don’t know how much time we are going to have with them; to a child, a grandparent could go at any time, so we appreciate them more”.

It was nineteen years ago this month that my Mommie lost her maternal Grandma to a valiant battle with breast cancer. This week would have been her birthday, so I am printing an essay she wrote that first year without her Grandma (because her Grandma was a cat person, God bless her soul!). Almost twenty years later, the words still ring true.

Snuggles,

Tazi

 In Memory of Bridget Jenny (Winiarski) Dybala 

October 30, 1921 -August 16, 1995 

My grandmother, Birdie (Winiarski) Dybala was a woman of many talents. No, she never performed a triple lutz for the Olympic gold, never hit a game-winning home run, or ran for a touchdown in the final seconds of overtime...she was not a great orator, a famous movie star, or even a career woman. Nor did she make millions of dollars designing clothes, founding a dot-com, or publishing a popular magazine that tells women they aren't good enough as they are. Her talents were much more valuable to society than any of that. She was a homemaker - a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a niece, a grandmother...and a friend. And she excelled at all she did.

As a wife Birdie took care of her husband, making sure that his house was well tended, his children well raised, and his good name enhanced by her actions. As a mother, she raised her four children by example, bringing them up to be upstanding members of society. She gave then wings to fly, and kept a nest for them to call home. Birdie Dybala was many things to many people, but it is as a grandmother that I knew her best.

Growing up, I spent as much time at my Grandma's house as I did at my own - or at least it felt that way. Sunny days were spent running through what seemed like (and probably was) acres of backyard, playing by the brook and the frog pond, picking wild blueberries, watching the neighbors tend their beehives, and walking through the woods to "the mucky river", a sewage drop off that was owned by the city and abutted her land. For some reason, the site that was this dumping ground fascinated me as only a child could be fascinated by that which society deems garbage.

On summer days, when the city pool was open, my brother and our best friends would go to swim, and then run around the corner to Grandma's house for lunch - there were no kids our age in Grandma's neighborhood, so she didn't mind when we "imported" them from our own. Nor did she mind when my younger cousins and I chased Frosty, her cat, under the couch in our attempts to cuddle him - but she never yelled at Frosty, either, for scratching us in self-defense. Although her grandchildren could do no wrong, she was a firm believer in personal responsibility. It is a lesson that sticks with me to this day...and makes me wish that my Grandma could have influenced more people than just those of her surrounding circle.

This is how I best remember Frosty!

I remember holidays at Grandma's house - every Easter, my cousin "M." used to try and "jump the brook" - a ribbon of water only three feet wide, but the Grand Canyon of my hometown to a young, mischievous child. Inevitably, he would fall into the water, shoes and all...but Grandma never got angry with him for messing up his good clothes. She believed that when a parent was around, discipline was their job - and that it was a Grandma's job to make everything all better. And she always did.

No matter what the problem, my grandmother always knew how to fix it (and the solution generally involved a bowl of her famous home-made chicken soup!). Seriously, though...sometimes, she would tell us what we wanted to hear, knowing that the problem was one that would solve itself in time; other times, she told us what we needed to hear. The Wisdom of Solomon she did posses, but never did she give unsolicited advice. She knew if she was patient, we would eventually confide in her. After all, she was Grandma! And boy, weren't we surprised to find out she knew things we thought were a "secret".

As I grew older, I became the stereotypical sullen teenager - with everyone, even Grandma. The only difference was, with her I felt guilty about it and worked to change my attitude...because never once did Grandma lose her temper with me; never once did she walk away to give me some "alone time"; never once did she make me feel like I had done something wrong when my fluctuating hormones were in fact to blame. In fact, she did just the opposite - she worked harder to be supportive and understanding of me. And anyone who has ever been or has ever known a 13-year old girl knows how downright impossible that can be to even try, let alone accomplish! But Grandma did it! Not only with me, but also with all her other grandchildren!

Grandma also indulged my child-like side, taking me to see Disney movies that I was "too old" to go see with my friends (it just wasn't "cool"!)...and she would let me publicly blame her for "dragging me to see them" when my friends caught me enjoying it!

Whenever I needed a ride to or from an after-school activity, it was Grandma who was there to chauffeur me; whenever it rained (or was even cloudy for that matter) it was Grandma who helped me with my paper-route; and when I decided 5 days before my 9th grade formal that I wanted to go after all, it was Grandma who helped Mom to sew my dress, and got it completed on time for the big night.

After I learned to drive, I made sure to visit Grandma frequently, as I missed my after-school time with her. She always made my teenage angst seem minimal. I always felt safe when I was with Grandma, like no hurt could ever touch me - not my parents divorce, not missing out on the lead in the school play because I was too young, not the heartbreak of the boy I liked turning me down for my senior prom...

My Grandma had a way of making everyone she came in contact with feel special. I still remember the time, when I was about four years old, that I complained I was too young to ever get mail. She started saving all the junk mail that came to her house. If it was addressed to "Occupant" or "Resident" it was mine!

By high school, though, I was starting to receive mail of my own in the form of college catalogs - more than I could handle, and in more ways than one. Did I leave my home to move across the country? Would my grades be good enough to get into my top choice school? How was I going to pay for it all? Grandma's responses were, "No", "Yes", and "Don't worry about it". Had my Guidance Counselor said all that, I would have given him a withering look...but when Grandma said it, I could tell she meant it. I think it was her sincerity that was so comforting to me - and during the first few weeks of my freshman year, when I caught sick with meningitis, I learned that no matter what the distance, Grandma would be there to take care of me when I needed her. It comforts me that I was able to return the kindness a few years later, when she took sick with the cancer that eventually took her from my family and me.

Grandma died before she could see me walk across the stage to receive my (first) degree, but I know she was there in spirit as well as in my heart. It was always her dream for me to complete my schooling and to follow my dreams - wherever they led me, as long as they didn't lead me too far from my family...or from her. And I am proud to say that she is with me even more now than she was back then.

My Grandma raised me according to her values - which, when I was young I found to be hopelessly old-fashioned. Now, as an adult, I don't find them to be hopeless; and I see nothing wrong with "old-fashioned". Living my life according to my Grandma's ways has helped me earn the respect of others - and the respect of myself. 

She taught me that having standout domestic skills does not make me any less of a feminist; and that being a feminist does not make me any less feminine.

She taught me to work hard for what I wish to achieve, to never settle, but to make sure that what I am working for is what I really want.

She taught me that, as a woman, it is possible for me to have a career and a family - but was honest enough to let me know that it is nearly impossible to do justice to both. Choose wisely.

She taught me to stand up for myself and in what I believe - even if it is not the popular choice.

She taught me to never allow a man to push me around, physically or mentally.

She taught me to be chaste enough to not only be respected by men, but by other women as well.

But most importantly, my Grandma taught me that when you love someone enough, you want to do for them...that no matter how much they anger you, you will always be able to keep your temper in check and your voice down...that with love, even the biggest problems can be shrunk down to size...and that a bowl of home-made chicken soup can really put life's problems into a manageable prospective.

KJM

1996

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Upscale" Dining Choice Has Husband Upset

Dear Tazi:

Every Friday night my wife wants to go out to dinner.  She is a stay-at-home Mom to our two sons, and says that after a hard week at work she deserves a break.  Tazi, I work just as hard all week - if not harder than her - and I do not think that the money that I have earned should be spent going out to dinner when my wife is perfectly capable of cooking a delicious homemade meal.

I usually give in to her requests to keep the peace, but her requests are starting to get out of line.  We usually go to a family-friendly restaurant like McDonald's or Chick-fil-a, where the kids can play while we relax.  Now, she wants to start going to more upscale restaurants that offer what she thinks is a healthier menu - places like Waffle House or Friendly's!  I put my foot down and told her that when she makes the money she can decide how to spend it, and that from now on we would be eating at home on Friday nights until further notice.  That was two weeks ago, and every night since I have been coming home to a family that has already eaten without me.  I am lucky if there are leftovers to reheat, otherwise I have to make myself a peanut-butter sandwich.

Tazi, can you help me get my wife to see reason?  I work hard to provide for our family, and do not want to see our money spent so frivolously!

Signed,
Hard Working Man

Dear Hard Working Man:

I think your wife will see reason when you see reason.  Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom to two boys is not an easy job.  Have you ever tried to cook breakfast, prepare lunch, clean, do laundry, iron, keep the freshly cleaned house clean, chauffeur the children to their activities, and prepare a savory and nutritious dinner - all while keeping an eye on two young boys, to make sure they are staying out of trouble?  I am exhausted just reading what a stay-at-home-mom has to do to keep the world turning, and this list isn't even complete!  Do you still think your wife has an easier schedule than you?

A Friday night out to dinner is not an unreasonable request to make, especially at a reasonably priced restaurant like the Waffle House or Friendly's!  While I would not say that the food is inherently more nutritious at these places than at the fast-food chains, the atmosphere makes for a nice change of scenery.  If you are not comfortable with paying the extra few dollars for dinner every week (and this is understandable, if you are on a tight budget), I suggest that you and your wife compromise and trade off weeks between a relaxed and "more upscale" atmosphere.  Another suggestion is that you eat out every other week and try a restaurant like Applebee's or TGI Fridays, both of which have a children's menu.

I'm just not getting that "upscale" feel.  Are you?

You also need to remember that you and your wife are a couple - there is no "my" when you are married; what is yours is also your wife's.  She could be out working a full-time job, but she has put the needs of your children ahead of her own, and has trusted you to care for needs.  I believe that her cooking strike is her way of illustrating this point to you - you have refused to consider her needs, now she is refusing to consider yours.  I can see acting like this for a few days to get your point across, but a few weeks?  It sounds like your wife is overstating her point.  You may want to consider marriage counseling.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Speed-Uh-Oh! Step-Daughter Catches New Dad In Awkward Swim Suit!

Dear Tazi:

I am a newly married, former single mother. My husband is of a higher economic class than I was before we wed, but he has always made it clear that what is his is mine; that we are married and that I should not feel like a guest in our home. It has been an adjustment for me to go from penny-pinching and coupon-clipping to living in a mansion with all the amenities, but my daughter has readily adjusted - perhaps bit too readily, which brings me to my problem.

"Jason", my husband, was a swimmer in college and has kept up with his sport ever since, continuing to swim competitively; hence, when he swims laps in his (our!) in-ground pool he wears a Speedo-style suit. Jason is also rather well-endowed, but he is not the type of man to flaunt himself. I cannot stress this last part enough!

My daughter "Tiffany" is fourteen, as are most of her friends. Last week, during a heat wave, she invited half a dozen of her girlfriends to come over for a swim. She did not ask permission first; as I said, she has readily adjusted to our new lifestyle. When Tiffany and crew arrived to swim, Jason was doing laps in the pool. Seeing that Tiffany and her friends wanted to cool off and splash around, he generously ended his workout a few laps early. While getting out of the pool he had to cross the patio to retrieve his towel, and all eyes were upon his manly physique.

Jason, like most men, was completely oblivious that that he was being observed and walked into the house without incident. My daughter was humiliated at what she called Jason's "inexcusable display" and has told me she wants an apology from Jason and a promise not to wear a male bikini around her friends again. I have tried to explain to my daughter that this was Jason's house first and that she needs to adjust her behavior accordingly; that he was kind enough to accommodate her unexpected company and that the next time she wants to bring friends over she should ask permission.

Tazi, Tiffany refuses to see anybody's point of view but her own. She tells me that I need to assert myself as the woman of the house and that Jason needs to change his behaviors now that there is a teenage girl in the house. She has told me that if I do not say something to Jason she will. All I want is peace in my new marriage and my new home. I want us to feel comfortable here, but I do not want to make Jason uncomfortable; he has had so much to adjust to as it is. Do you think Tiffany's demands are unreasonable? Should I ask my husband to change to a more modest swimsuit? He only wears it when he is doing laps; otherwise, he wears more modest-style trunks.

Signed,
In-Between

Dear In-Between:

The demands of a new marriage and the blending of a family can be stressful enough, without adding teenage angst to the mixture. At fourteen, your daughter is going to be embarrassed at everything that puts her in an unwanted spotlight, and she is going to have an attitude of entitlement about her that can only come from the confidence of being a teenager. Resist the urge to slap her silly and repeat after me: This is just a phase, and she will outgrow it soon.


Tiffany's demand for an apology and accusation that Jason created an "inexcusable display" of his body are out of line with what actually occurred. Tiffany was the one who barged in on Jason during his swim time; she is the one who should be apologizing for cutting short his workout and putting him on the spot. Please remind her of this fact. Your reminder that the house was Jason's place before it became your family home is the type of thinking that your husband is trying to help you to overcome. It sounds to me like compromise can come from all sides in this matter.

You say that Jason was oblivious to the stir his physique caused. This is a very good thing, considering the females who were noticing him were all decidedly underage. Knowledge of the stir he caused would only serve to make him uncomfortable around Tiffany's friends, so mentioning this fact is probably not a good idea. You could start the conversation by saying that Tiffany felt awkward barging in on him while he was swimming, and perhaps you could create a pool schedule - time when Jason can do his laps uninterrupted, and time where open swim for all is allowed. This will accommodate everyone while embarrassing no one. To ask Jason to change his swimwear would be wrong, considering he still swims competitively. The uniform may be outrageous, but the skimpiness of the suit shaves several precious seconds off of a swimmer's time.

Overall, you could learn a few things from your daughter about adjusting to your new home; your daughter still has a few things to learn about manners and respecting others. I wish you luck on becoming the family that you all dream of becoming.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.