What To Do About An "Ex" That Won't Let Go?

Dear Tazi:

My husband “Roger” and I have been happily married for two wonderful years. We met when I answered his online personal ad. Although I was not the only woman he had given his email address and phone number to, I was the only woman he chose to meet in real life. At the time, I was one of several women with whom he was conversing, but once we met he let them all know he had met a woman with who he wanted to pursue a relationship (me).

Every now and then, Roger will get a phone call, text, or email from one of the women who had answered his long ago personal ad, asking how he is doing and if he would like to get together for a drink. To his credit Roger politely informs these women that he is happily married and, having no past relationship with them, asks to be removed from their “little black book”. Most women congratulate him on our marriage, laugh at his suggestion that they have an entire book of potential dates, and never contact him again. The one exception to this is “Mary”.

Mary first contacted Roger a little over a year ago, leaving a message on our answering machine and suggesting that they meet for coffee and to “catch up” on each other’s lives. Roger sent her a short email to let her know he was married to me and that his marital status was the only update that was needed. Mary took this email as an invitation to start a conversation with Roger, asking all sorts of personal questions and asking what it was about me that he found more attractive. Tazi, Roger had never even met her, nor did he have any interest in meeting her after talking to her on the phone. He remembered her as being “pushy” and “demanding” in her search for a man. Roger was too kind to tell her this, and simply ended the conversation by telling her that I was his soul-mate; that when he met me, he just “knew”.

Since that email, Mary has taken to sending him forward after forward; emails like “Sending a prayer your way!” or “Sending this to a friend I am thinking of today…” Each of these emails is innocuous in their own right, but when combined paint a picture of someone who refuses to let go of a past that never was. Roger has deleted each one of them without responding, after opening them to make sure that they did not contain anything threatening or stalker-ish. It had reached the point where Roger was receiving ten or more of these forwards a day, so he added Mary’s address to his SPAM block. Her emails now go directly into the trash. You would think this would take care of the problem, but it has not. Apparently, Mary is able to check if the emails she sends have been opened/read. Now that her emails are not being opened, she has taken to contacting my husband via other methods.

Roger has received multiple Facebook friend requests from Mary, and has finally blocked her from contacting him. She repeatedly texts him, asking why they can’t rekindle the friendship they once had. Tazi, there is no “friendship” to rekindle! Unfortunately, Roger’s mobile phone service does not allow him to block numbers, so the best he can do is ignore her – which obviously does not work. Mary’s texts are sent at the most inopportune times – the middle of the night, while we are sleeping; early morning, when we are getting ready for work; or on weekends, when Roger and I are spending time together or socializing with people who actually are friends.

We have looked into getting a restraining order against Mary, but because Roger was never romantically involved with her and she has never threatened violence against either of us we would have to pay for the legal filing (which is not cheap) and there is no guarantee we would be granted an order of restraint, since Mary is only being a nuisance from a distance. I would like to contact Mary myself and ask why she feels the need to disrespect my position as Roger’s wife, but I don’t want to come off as a jealous shrew. I do not feel the slightest bit insecure in my marriage, and am friends with a few of Roger’s actual past girlfriends, but I am getting rather annoyed at the lengths this woman is going to get my husband’s attention. Roger has suggested that we just ignore her and hopefully she will go away on her own. What do you advise, Tazi?

Signed,
Fed Up

Dear Fed Up:

I receive many letters about exes that can’t let go, but your situation is unusual, considering that your husband has never even met or dated the woman who will not let go. I realize it would be a personal inconvenience to have to change your phone number, so I will not suggest that, but I will suggest that your husband turn off his mobile phone when he does not wish to be bothered by it. Since Mary only seems to text at times when the two of you are (assumed to be) together, anyone who needs to contact Roger would be able to reach him by calling your mobile phone. You could even add this suggestion to Roger’s voicemail, telling the caller to “call my wife if you need to reach me”. There is no need to leave your phone number; just be certain that people Roger wants to hear from have your phone number. Should Mary resort to calling your husband’s mobile phone (as opposed to just texting it) she will get the literal message that Roger is unavailable.

As tempting as it may be to contact Mary yourself and tell her off, this would only put you in a bad light and add fuel to Mary’s fire. By acting like a jealous shrew you will be giving Mary the impression that you are one, as well as reason to think that your marriage is unstable. As difficult as it might be, I suggest that you follow through with Roger’s suggestion: ignore Mary, and hopefully she will move on to a more receptive target. Unless Mary suffers from erotomania, she will eventually get tired of being ignored and move on to someone who will be receptive to her overtures.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Ed and Eleanor Offer 10 Tips For A Happy and Lasting Marriage!

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are faithful readers of your column, and hope that you will continue to write it for many years to come!  We enjoy reading aloud to each other over breakfast (we have iPads) and take turns trying to guess what you will say – and if you will pull out your famous Paw Slap of Disgust!  Hubby and I especially love your relationships columns – the Elf on the Shelf on the Toilet letter is a particular favorite of ours – and we decided to write a list of rules for a happy marriage.  We are hoping that you will print them for us! 

Ed and Eleanor’s 10 Rules for a Happy, Lasting Marriage

1.       Occasionally, it is okay to go to bed angry.  A good night’s sleep can make for a different perspective on things.

2.       Never take your spouse for granted.  Tell them that you love them. Hold hands.  Hug.  Sit next to each other when watching TV, and not across the room. Compliment a dinner well made or a repair well done. Make them feel loved and appreciated.

3.       Keep both joint and separate money accounts.  Bill paying and savings accounts should always be joint; mad money accounts should be separate. 

4.       Know the difference between privacy and secrets.  Privacy is wanting the bathroom door closed while you are using it; secrecy is taking the telephone in there with you.  Respect each other’s privacy, but don’t keep secrets from each other.

5.       Work hard enough to make a living but no so much you can’t make time for a life.  A big house in the “right” neighborhood is nice, but not if paying for it leaves no time for each other and no money for a vacation.

6.       Don’t let the little things annoy you.  Raised toilet seats and un-starched collars are not the end of the world.  When your spouse is gone, you will surely miss these things, so don’t yell at them over it now.

7.       Treat your spouse like an adult, not like one of your children; act like an adult, and not like one of your children.

8.       Put the needs of your marriage first at all times.  The kids may want a Disney vacation, but the marriage may need a week away sans children.  Plan accordingly.

9.       Change the toilet paper roll when it is low/empty.  It is the little things we do that can make a big difference to the next person who comes along.

10.   Don’t over-communicate.  Sharing the highlights of your day makes it easier for your spouse to enjoy hearing about your day.

Sincerely,

Ed and Eleanor

Dear Ed and Eleanor:

What wonderful tips for happiness and harmony!  I am printing your tips and am grateful for them because MY MOMMIE IS GETTING MARRIED! Whew! I have been dying to announce that!

I think this article should be printed out and taped to the refrigerator of every married couple in the world! I especially love Tip #10; many of the letters I receive must be edited for length and content (too much of each!). 

Readers, what are your favorite tips?  Do you have any to add? 

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

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Marital Issues Have More Than One Solution

Dear Tazi:

I am friends with what has to be the most annoying couple on the face of the earth, “Tony” and “Toni” (yes, they have matching names, but I have changed them so please don’t change them again). I have known Tony since we were children, and he is a great guy to be around, most of the time, so I would hate to lose his friendship, but get him around Toni and he becomes an obnoxious bore.

Tony and Toni have had marital problems on and off from the better half of their marriage. They have children and cannot afford to get divorced, although they have separated several times, with Tony crashing on my couch and Toni getting their home and the kids. When Tony is away from Toni, he is the guy I enjoy being friends with – easygoing, determined to work hard and make a good life for himself and his kids. When Tony is with Toni he turns into Mr. Awesome Husband who can’t do enough to keep his wife happy, even if it leads to his own misery (which it often does). I don’t think my buddy deserves this, and I have suggested that maybe he should make the next separation a permanent one.

Toni thinks I am a bad influence on Tony because I am single (never married) and have no children. She thinks I want them to end their marriage so I have another single guy to pal around with, which is just plain crazy. I happen to know that Toni does plenty of “palling around” with other guys when she and Tony are on one of their breaks, so her devoted wife act isn’t fooling me.

Toni is talking about moving out of state for the “fresh start” she feels she and Tony need to save their marriage. She has recently completed training as a nail salon tech (what I call a manicurist) and wants to move to someplace warm and touristy where people get both manicures and pedicures year round. She thinks she will get more business this way, and she may be right, but what about Tony? Tony has fifteen years in with the same company, and is hoping for a big promotion next year. Toni has been throwing the old “If you really loved me…” line at him, trying to guilt him into leaving his secure job, friends, and family to follow her dream of being a manicurist. I know all of this because Tony complains about it to me all the time. I want to tell him to be a man and stand up for himself, but he is afraid that if he divorces Toni she will take the kids and move somewhere far away. What’s you take on the situation, Tazi?

Signed,

Best Friend In A Bad Spot

Dear Best Friend In A Bad Spot:

You seem to know a LOT about Tony and Toni’s marriage; I am not certain that you are not Tony himself and just pretending to be his best friend. For that reason alone I will not suggest that you butt out of your friend’s affairs, and will offer you my advice.

All marriages have difficulties; it is a fact of life. It is how you deal with those difficulties that will determine whether or not the marriage will last. Since there are children involved, this adds another dimension as to how to go about trying to save the marriage, and doing whatever must be done to give the children a well-adjusted life throughout the process, and beyond. The back and forth separations that are occurring between Tony and Toni are not healthy for anyone directly affected by these changes – the children, Tony and Tony, you as the best friend stuck in between the two, and the men who get involved with Toni thinking they stand a chance at a future with her. The time has come to end all of this drama!

You write that Tony becomes Mr. Awesome Husband after each separation has been reconciled, but it is at the expense of his own happiness, so obviously these reconciliatory events are one sided and favoring Toni. I get the impression, based upon this evidence and her “If you really loved me…” ultimatums that she is emotionally abusing Tony, perhaps even using their children as a pawn to get him to submit to her will. No one should have to live like this.

The next time Tony starts complaining to you about his problems, suggest that he complain to a marital counselor instead. A disinterested third party is what is needed here to sort through the he said/she said dynamic and the deep rooted issues that are keeping Tony and Toni ever on the edge of another separation.

If the marriage cannot be saved and divorce is the path they choose to follow, Tony should stand up for his rights as a father. Nowadays, more and more divorced fathers are petitioning for physical custody of their children, and many of them are winning their cases. A judge can decided what is best for the children; sometimes, staying in familiar surroundings with their father is better for them than being yanked halfway across the country in order to stay with their mother.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. Since Toni is looking for steady, year-round work as a nail tech in a “warm and touristy” area, why not suggest she look for work on a cruise ship or in an upscale hotel with a spa? This solves the problem of moving and also provides a venue that offers the opportunity for year-round manis and pedis.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Once Married, Who Owns The Engagement Ring?

Dear Tazi:

When I met my husband a dozen years ago, he made his living as a day-trader. Because this was during the dot-com boom, he made a fair share of money before taking some paper losses, and was able to further invest that money. When we got engaged a few years later, he bought me a very expensive engagement ring with the portion of the money he had made.

In the years since we married, my husband's investments have take a turn for the worse. He is not out of money to invest, nor are we in danger of ruining our credit with bad debt, but my husband feels it would be best if we liquidated our assets. By this he means sell my engagement ring. I was shocked at his suggestion, but he informed me he paid $15,000 for it and thinks he would be able to get $10,000 for it now.

Tazi, my ring means a lot to me - not because of it's financial worth, but because of the sentimental worth it has to me. I do not wish to sell my ring, and have told my husband as much. He has told me that the ring was *his* investment and that she should be allowed to sell it if he so desires; I say the ring was a gift and that it is mine to keep. Which of us is right, Tazi? Do I have to part with my engagement ring?

Signed,
Sentimental Woman

Dear Sentimental Woman:

Are you certain of the state of your financial affairs? I ask because your husband is acting like he has something to hide. Therefore, I will tell it to you straight - please relay this message to him: the reason they say a diamond is forever is because you can't get rid of them; they have horrible re-sale value. The $15,000 diamond he purchased ten years ago might sell $10,000 retail, but a wholesaler would offer half this amount - or less - and a pawn broker would pay even less.

If your husband is still day-trading, I would suggest that he stop. If he has reached the point where he needs to sell his wife's engagement ring to finance his investments, he obviously does not have the money to invest at this time, regardless of what you have been led to believe. If he insists on investing, in spite of his lack of liquid assets, your husband may be a gambling addict. Day-trading can be as addictive as playing the slots.

As for who owns your engagement ring, that is a question that is usually decided by the courts; however, since you are still married, I would argue that it was given as a gift and is yours to keep if that is what you desire.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Does The Lady Protest Too Much? Or Does She Really Mean "No"?

Dear Tazi:

My wife will be turning 40 in a few months. This morning over breakfast she told me that she "absolutely, positively" does not want a big party to celebrate "this milestone birthday". Quite honestly, Tazi, I was not planning on throwing her a big party. I thought I would take her out to a nice dinner and and dancing at a local jazz club that I know she likes. I was also considering buying her some new charms for her Pandora bracelet, but a party never crossed my mind. I am hopeless at party planning.

When I got to the office I spoke with my assistant about the idea of a party for my wife's birthday, zedsince she is the one I have to handle all of my other event and engagement planning. I told her what my wife said and how I found it peculiar since my wife knows I don't know the first thing about party planning. My assistant told me that my wife was "definitely hinting" that she wanted a large surprise party and that she would get started on planning it right away.

As grateful as I am to my assistant for her eagerness to assist me in this personal matter, I am afraid that my wife really does not want to have a big party, and was letting me know that if I was planning anything to put an end to it before things were too far along to cancel. When I suggested this to my assistant she just shook her head and smiled, and told me that I was a great defense attorney and that I could use my skills in explaining to my wife why I ignored her request for a big party. Am I missing something here, Tazi? I am writing to you in order to maintain my anonymity. If I am being what my assistant calls "a clueless man", I would hate for my colleagues to know.

Signed,
Future Johnnie Cochran

Dear Future Johnnie Cochran:

Without knowing your wife's temperament or how well your assistant knows her, I cannot say for certain what your wife meant when she said she did not want a party. She may honestly not want a party and is giving you enough time to cancel any plans you have made or, as your assistant thinks, she could be hinting that she wants a huge blow-out event. I will try to guide you based upon any facts you may have in evidence.

In the past, has your wife suggested she does not want something, only to get upset when you do not provide it? Is your wife the type of woman who likes to be the center of attention? In the past, has your wife ever had a special-occasion/milestone birthday party; and if so, did she enjoy it? If you have answered "yes" to any one of these questions, it would appear that your wife is hinting that she would like to have a big party in her honor without coming right out and asking for one because that would be, as the teenagers say, awkward.

If, however, your wife is the type of woman who has always been straight-forward with her desires/requests; does not like to be the center of attention; and either has not had or has not enjoyed being the guest of honor at a milestone birthday party I would say that you can trust her when she tells you that she does not want a party. Please overrule your assistant (she works for you, not the other way around) and tell her that your wife does not want a party - and then hope that you made the correct choice!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My sources tell me that Pandora is "so 2012" and that Alex and Ani is the new big thing.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #27 - On Taking Liberties With Spelling

Dear Readers,

As a cat I am known to have several pet peeves, usually revolving around the way you humans act; however, I have one peeve that this week rises above all other peeves. Today, I seek to address it, and so I ask: WHY do you keep altering the accepted spelling of your children’s names?

This year, the first baby born in my home state of Rhode Island was born to a high school student on her 18^th birthday. She lives with her unemployed aunt who, in spite of her own financial troubles, has graciously welcomed the baby with open arms. The way I see it, this child is going to have an uphill battle in life as it is without having his name spelled "Izzak", a “creative” (according to the Providence Journal) way of spelling the biblical name “Isaac”. Parents! What are you thinking when you do something like this?

I realize that we live in a world where we want our children to feel unique and stand out from the crowd. Giving a child a unique name can be a blessing or a curse, depending on what that name is. I use as a real life example one of my Mommie’s former co-workers, a man who wanted his son to have a unique name that nobody else had. He named the child “Nazik", insisting he made the name up himself; the large Arabic community of Southern New England could have told him differently. “Nazik” is in fact a popular girl’s name in Turkey and Armenia; it means “pretty” (I have also been told "pretty flower", which just makes it worse, but is unconfirmed. I do not know what happened to that kid, but strains of Johnny Cash’s A Boy Named Sue go through my head every time I think of him.

Creative spellings and creative names may make your child stand out in a crowd, but not necessarily in a good way. If people cannot pronounce your child’s name, they are less likely to be called upon – in school, at play, and in life in general. Rather than risk offending someone by mispronouncing a name, people will pass over them – be it for a play date or a job interview. Humans, like all animals, crave familiarity and comfort. You can still give your child a name that you think is unique (but is actually trendy), just don’t mess with the accepted spelling! As a Providence (RI) school teacher once commented, “I am left wondering if the parents are trying to be creative or if they are just illiterate”.

I believe this only works among adults...

Something we must remember is that language has rules set down in order to unify a people, not to divide them. When language becomes an impediment to understanding, rather than an aid, communication fails. When that fails, we might as well go our own way. Ghoti, anyone? (That's how I spell "fish"!).

Prior generations understood the importance of what was in a name, and the importance of communicating a name. Difficult to pronounce names (especially those of Jewish and Eastern European background) were "Americanized"; merchants changed the pronunciations and spellings of their last names to that which was familiar to their customers. This is a lesson we would do well to remember in our ever-globalizing world. As those who do not speak English as a native tongue work to learn the language, and seek to work more with Americans, confusing spellings will not give your child a leg up on the competition.

Just for fun - and to make my point interactive - to follow are a few of the more “creative” spellings and “unique” names I have gathered from family and friends who work with youth. How many can you immediately recognize? 

Mathew (Matthew traditionally has two “t”’s, but since this is the most innocuous, I list it here on principle, not out of disgust)

Jhaymes (James can be spelled with a “y”, but who puts an “h” in it?)

Aighmee (Not an acceptable spelling of “Amy” or “Aimee”, which means “friend” in French; be a friend to your child and correct this hideous spelling!)

Konner (Are you a Kardashian? Unlike the Icelandic alphabet, the Latin (aka Western) alphabet has the letter “C” in it; learn to use it!).

Jhéojhañâ (This unique name belongs to one of my readers. Can you pronounce it? Neither can anybody else; and it hindered her job search).  

Mikkaila (Michaela, the feminine of “Michael” has a few accepted spellings, but this is not one of them!).

Alexzandre (Alexander is a unique enough name as it is; there is no need to butcher the spelling to make him stand out on a crowd. Furthermore, the “x” already has a “z” sound, so there is no need for redundancy, and the transposed letters at the end will make people wonder if they have been affected with dyslexia!).

Sindy (Unless you are raising your daughter to work in a strip club, please use an accepted spelling of the name “Cindy” – unless you actually are Icelandic.).

Dafydd (Multiple Paw Slaps of Disgust to the idiot that thought up this spelling for “David”!).

Espn (I don’t care how much you love sports, don’t name your kid after the cable sports network ESPN! Just don’t!)

Jovanny (It took me a few minutes to figure out this illiterate spelling of “Giovanni”. Just call the kid “John”!).

And if you think that last one is bad, I have saved my favorite for last…

Le__a (It’s pronounced “LeDasha"; the dash is not silent).

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Divorced Mom Prefers Cutting Ties Over Mending Seams

Dear Tazi:

For some reason, my ex-mother-in-law seems to think I want to maintain a relationship with her, even though I have divorced her abusive son.  She claims that her son’s behavior is no reflection on who she is as a parent, and that she wishes to have a healthy relationship with the mother of her grandchildren.

Tazi, I have no plans on withholding access to my children from her, so long as she respects the restraining order the judge granted against her son.  I do have plans to move on with my life by cutting ties with him and the people who raised this abusive monster – namely his parents.  I have expressed this to my ex-MIL in countless ways, but she is still trying to “mend our severed relationship”.  How do I get it through to her that I have no desire to patch the threadbare cloth that remains of our family connection?

Signed,

Through With Them All

Dear Through With Them All:

I am confused.  I understand that you do not wish to have a relationship with your ex-mother-in-law, but you are willing to give her unsupervised visitation with your children?  Are your children teenagers?  This is the only scenario that I can find acceptable in a situation like this!

The fact that the judge granted your children a restraining order against their father tells me that his abuse must have had a gravely negative affect on them.  You trust their grandmother to honor the restraining order and keep her son away from the kids?  Am I missing something?

I realize that your ex-husband’s parents raised him, but to blame them for creating an “abusive monster” goes a little too far.  People have free will, and they can accept or reject the lessons they have been taught; that you consider your ex-MIL a good enough Grandma to have unsupervised visitation tells me that you do not consider her a bad influence.  Put plainly, you cannot have it both ways.

I think your ex-MIL’s desire to have a healthy relationship with the mother of her grandchildren is natural, and a wise move on her part; she is putting the needs of the children first, and from the scant information included in your letter, I am inferring that your children need to see that the grown-ups they love can still get along with each other.  I am not saying that you and your ex-MIL need to become bosom buddies, but occasionally staying for coffee and discussing the children’s visit upon picking them up should not be out of the question.  Putting your children’s welfare before your own personal dislikes will not go unnoticed by those who need to see it the most.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Special 4th of July Message From Tazi!

Dear Readers:

Today is Independence Day in America, so I would like to take this space to wish all Americans a very happy 4th of July, and to say a few meows on the subject of independence. Specifically, I would like to ask; how independent are we?

We Americans are dependent upon so much. We import our good and export our jobs in search of fiscal savings, and then complain that we have become dependent upon foreign countries. Our clothing, our textiles, our electronics are all imported. Even our food is imported. How ironic is that? Our country includes millions of acres of arable land, yet we import our food because it is cheaper to buy that way.

Americans have become dependent upon others to do the tough jobs. For whatever reasons that may be, our children are not receiving (or are choosing not to study) an educational curriculum that will allow them to compete with foreign labor for skilled and educated positions; yet we don’t complain that our highest paying jobs – Medical Doctors and Engineers – are being filled by immigrant labor. Instead we complain that immigrants (here legally or illegally) are taking our low-skilled/unskilled jobs – jobs that have traditionally been held by immigrants to our country, at least until they learned enough to move up into a better job or a management position. When did Americans start this race to the bottom? How can we expect to remain an educated citizenship when we refuse to make the sacrifices required? How can we be free when we are walled-in by ignorance? An education should not be out of reach to anyone who seeks to learn, and yet is has become so. Where have we failed, America?

Americans are dependant upon foreign oil, needed to fuel the motor vehicles on which so many of us are also dependant. Who but us four-legged ones walk anywhere anymore? When is the last time many of us rode a bike to work or to the store? How about our children? Some are not free to ride their bikes down the street due to the danger of crime that infects and blights our inner-city neighborhoods; others have been raised in a culture of fear that teaches that pedophiles and others who prey on children are just waiting for the opportunity a child on a bike would present. How are we independent if we are dominated by fear?

How many of us live with hate, prejudice, or outright bigotry in our hearts? Such a small attitude imprisons you inside your own mind and keeps us from being a united country. If we are truly to be a United States of America, we need to learn to put aside our differences and embrace those we see as different. How can we be free when we are oppressed? We need to get past the dogmas and ideals that order us (or so we believe) to condemn another person based upon who they are - no major religious figure preached hate and intolerance. Learn to treat those who disgust you in a way that you would like to be treated: with dignity and respect, if you cannot muster acceptance. If the tables were turned, would you appreciate being treated in the way you treat others? If not, it’s time to make an attitude adjustment. Nobody is perfect so it is time to stop acting like it; we all have our faults and flaws so nobody has the right to claim superiority over another, even a sweet little kitty-cat like me!

As for me, I am currently on a diet! Yes, even I, Tazi-Kat, have issues! I gained a few too many pounds from eating a few too many treats and needed to lose five pounds (which for a cat is around 30% of its body weight). My Mommie tells me she wants me to live a long and healthy life. Dieting stinks, but I know that Mommie is right, so I ask: How many of our lives have been curtailed due to illness and infirm? Sometimes, such issues come naturally, but many times they are a result of unhealthy living or a fear of seeking preventative care? How many of us are owned by our addictions? How can we say we are free when a substance has such control over us that we allow it to rob us of our health and well-being? Even if we are not addicted to a substance, it is possible to be addicted to an unhealthy lifestyle – a lack of sleep, a lack of exercise, a lack of healthy food, a lack of….

This Independence Day, make a commitment to free yourself of what controls you.

This Independence Day, let’s work to make America the best she can be by working to make ourselves the best we can become. In the words of the late President John F. Kennedy, ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.

Wishing you all a Happy Fourth of July!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Whirlwind Romance Results In A Baby...And A Father Who Does Not Know He Is One

Dear Tazi:

Last summer, I fell madly in love with a carny [carnival worker] when the state fair came to town. Last month I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I will let you do the math and figure things out from there. "John" does not know that I got pregnant because by the time I knew, the fair had moved on to a new town and the cell phone number he had given me was disconnected.

The carnival is scheduled to come to town again this summer, and I see no reason why John would not be working it again, since he told me he has been working for the same carnival for the past ten years. I would like to approach him about child support for our daughter, but I am not certain how to go about doing this. I would also like to be able to rekindle our relationship, but I am not so dumb to think he would quit his travelling job to settle down with me and the baby. Besides, he needs an income to support our daughter.

My friends think I am foolish for even considering approaching John, that he probably gave me a fake name a fake background and a fake cell phone number just to get me into bed, but I am not so certain. I think what we had was love at first sight - he seemed just as sad as I did to be moving on after only a week. My baby girl will need a father in her life, and he is the only one she has. I also think it would be wrong of me to deny John the opportunity to have a relationship with our little girl. What do you think, Tazi? Should I approach John when he returns to town; and if so, how?

Signed,
Baby Mama, Maybe More

Dear Baby Mama, Maybe More:

If I were you, I would stop dreaming about the "maybe more" part you are hoping for and concentrate on the part about being a "Baby Mama" because one thing is for certain: you are now the mother of a newborn baby who needs you to remain realistic. The reality of this situation is, your friends are probably right - you were duped by a guy who wanted only one thing, and a baby was not it. You should get started now in your search for John. Do not wait until the carnival arrives in town two or three months from now.

Your first step towards collecting child support for your child should be to contact an attorney. Give him/her the business name of the carnival that John worked for; plus any business contact information for that carnival. If you do not have it or cannot find it, an attorney should be able to look it up in the county records. In order to operate, the carnival would have had to have an operating license issued to them, which would include contact information. If you have a picture of John, give that to the attorney, as well. John may very well be a fake name, but the Human Resources department for the carnival company will have a photo ID of John on file, and the picture can be matched up with the real name, address, and phone number.

Once your attorney has tracked down John, a paternity test will have to be done. This will be required by any court before child support will be awarded. I suggest that you prepare for things to get ugly between you and John. Even if he says he is thrilled to be a father, you know very little about this man so I strongly suggest that you do not allow him time alone with your child. In a worst case scenario, she could end up at the local fire station or other anonymous baby drop-off location just before John heads out of town again.

Once paternity has been established John will be required by law to pay a percentage of his income for child support. Keep in mind that your little girl may not be the only child he has, so you could end up getting a very small amount of money in return for allowing him parental rights. This trade-off may not be worth what you receive, so I advise that you listen to your attorney's advice before accepting any type of financial support from John.

I offer you my sincerest sympathies on your heartbreak, and wish you the best of luck as you begin your new life as a Mom. Do your best to raise her well.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Marriage Is For Many Reasons, Not Just Children

Dear Tazi:

I have been married to my wonderful husband "Fred" for three years, and have been trying to conceive for almost a year now. On a recent visit to the doctor for my annual exam, it was discovered that I have ovarian cysts, which could be the reason I have been unable to get pregnant. The doctor said that the fact that I have cysts does not mean that I can't get pregnant, but it may make getting pregnant difficult; and she suggested further testing.

Tazi, Fred wants children more than anything in the world; and I am afraid that if I tell him I can't conceive, he will leave me for someone who can. On the other hand, it pains me (emotionally, not physically) to make love to my husband knowing that it will probably not result in the pregnancy we both desire. I hate keeping secrets from my husband, but I am also afraid of losing him. Any advice, little kitty?

Signed,
Inconceivable!

Dear Inconceivable:

As a fan of The Princess Bride, your signature made me smile...and reminded me of the love between Wesley and Buttercup; which one hopes is the kind of love every married person feels for their spouse. When your husband married you, he did so "for better or worse, in sickness and in health..." He did not say, "I Fred take your uterus to be my lawfully wedded wife..."; he took ALL of you, declaring his love for you as a woman, not as an incubator.

You state that your husband wants children "more than anything in the world". Is this because he simply wants a child, or because he wants a child with you? Eventually, the idea of infertility testing will have to be approached (for Fred, too), so now is a good time to discuss the matter in an open and honest way. Ask Fred how it would affect your marriage if you could not have children. If for some reason Fred is resistant to fertility testing, it could be that he is afraid that there is a problem on his end; making testing all the more important.

If tests show that you are unable to conceive as a couple, there are options outside of divorce/infidelity that will help you fulfill your dreams of having children. Adoption is a wonderful way to complete your family, and is one avenue to consider. If you decide that adoption is not for you; surrogacy (though very expensive) is another option, as are (also expensive) fertility treatments and IVF [in vitro fertilization] which, depending on where you live, may be covered by your health insurance.

If, in the end, you are unable to conceive and Fred feels that leaving you is the only viable option, perhaps you would be better off without him. I know this sounds harsh, but you deserve a man who loves you as a whole person. However, I would give Fred the benefit of the doubt before you jump to such drastic conclusions. I have seen such situations before, and I think you are giving your husband far too little credit. The heartbreak of infertility can lead us to jump to such dire conclusions.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

As The Last Chick Flies The Nest, Husband And Wife Must Decide Which Path To Take

Dear Tazi:

My husband “Montgomery” has decided that, now that the last of our children will be moving away to college this September, he would like to run for political office. He claims that it has always been a dream of his to be a statesman; I say it is a midlife crisis, as he has never talked about this dream in the 22 years that we have been married.

I have been a stay-at-home-mom ever since my children were young, and I have held onto the goal of opening my own patisserie [a bakery that only serves and sells pastries] since before the first of my three children were born. Before I got married, I earned a Culinary Arts degree from Johnson and Wales; my specialty was fine pastries, and I have continued to use my skills and education for personal celebrations as well as profit (I bake cakes and specialty desserts on a very small scale out of my home). To put things another way, my dream has merit! I have experience and a business plan and am prepared to carry out and follow through with my goals. Montgomery, on the other hand, has zero experience in politics – he’s never even put a political sign on our lawn or volunteered to assist a candidate, yet he expects to run a successful campaign for state congress. It is not that I am against him running for political office, but I do have a problem with this plan infringing on my dreams.

Over the years, I have taken my disposable income and put it into a money market account where it has grown into a sizable sum – enough to cover the cost of equipment for a patisserie kitchen and to pay for the first year’s rent on a desirable location. Montgomery has requested the use of this money as “start up funds” for his political campaign! He has promised that it would be written up as a loan, as opposed to a donation, so he could reimburse me with any campaign donations that he received “in excess of what is needed” to run a successful campaign. I was so upset at this request that I was speechless!

Once I found my voice I told Montgomery that there was no way he would be getting his hands on my savings – that while he was using his spending money to play golf with his friends and have a few drinks at the clubhouse, my spending money was earning me interest in the bank. I informed him that I already had plans for the money, and he threatened to use our youngest child’s college savings account to finance his campaign! What kind of selfish man does that to his child? After I flipped out on him, Montgomery apologized and said he would never steal from our child; he was just illustrating the difficult position in which I was placing him.

Tazi, do I – as Montgomery puts it – owe it to him as his wife to support him in his political goals? Am I being selfish by wanting to use my savings as I had planned? Montgomery has commented that if he wins his election my stock will rise along with his, and my business will stand a better chance of succeeding.

Signed,
Petit Four No Reason?

Dear Petit Four No Reason?:

I do not believe you are being petty, and you do have reasons for being upset with your husband and standing your ground. I understand your decision to put your dream of owning – and running – your own business on hold while your children were growing up. Those who own their own business will tell you it is the business that owns them.

Although your husband never spoke of his dream to run for political office, this does not mean that it has not long been held dear to him. Is he the type to express political opinions or discuss politics with others? Does he attend city/town council meetings? Has he – before this point – expressed a desire to effect change? Many people keep their dreams a secret, out of the fear that others will not support them.

As for your dream, it is obvious from what you say that you have done some long-term investing into it and are ready to make it a reality. This reality could be what is propelling your husband to launch a dream of his own – sponsored with your money. Your husband could be feeling insecure; as he sees you starting on a path that will require long hours away from him and your home, and eventually lead you to financial independence from him.

Often times when the last baby bird flies the next, so to speak, the parents go through the stress of rediscovering each other – and wondering exactly what they still have in common. Your husband’s sudden desire to run for political office would keep the two of you together for long hours (I am assuming you would be working on his campaign) without having to work to fill the empty time and space that the lack of children has created – there is never an empty minute when you are running a political campaign! Before you make any decisions one way or the other, I suggest you do the following:

1. Secure your daughter’s college fund so that it can only be accessed to pay for her college expenses. I do not care that your husband was only trying to prove a point – the suggestion, and his reasoning behind it, were both extremely selfish. It is not you who are putting him in a difficult situation; it is he who chose to put himself there through a lack of proper planning.

2. See to it that the money you have managed to save and invest over the years is also secure. As a married couple, the money technically belongs to both of you; however, from a moral standpoint, only an absolute heel would insist on taking half.

3. Sit down with your husband and openly discuss his goals. Find out how long he has wanted to run for office; ask him what preparations he has made towards the running of a campaign and, if he has not made any in the time he has been thinking about this path, ask him what has held him back. In other words, find out how risky an investment – of time or money – in his campaign would be for you. If you are not comfortable loaning him money, suggest he incorporate his campaign and take out a bank loan; or ask the local state political committee (Republican/Democrat/Green/Etc.) for funding.

4. Ask your husband why he feels that his personal goals are more important that yours at this point in time. It could be that all the years you spent as a stay-at-home-mom has left him with less respect for who you are and the goals you seek to achieve. Your husband’s flimsy excuse that your “stock will rise along with his” sounds uncomfortably corrupt, not to get into how downright insulting it actually is.

Elections occur every two to four years and even though it is only June it is considered by many too far along in the election year cycle to declare a candidacy. Your husband would do well to work as a volunteer this election cycle, just to see all that goes into running a campaign, and start planning his run for office the day after this year’s elections – that is, if he is still interested in running at that point.

5. With regard to your desire to launch a business, consider your local economy. Will it support such a specialized business as a patisserie? Or would waiting a few years until the economy further improves increase your chances for success?

If you would feel more comfortable having a mediator present when you discuss these matters, I would suggest that you make an appointment with a marriage counselor or a clergy member with whom you feel comfortable discussing such matters. Both are trained to moderate marital issues and to assist in keeping them from turning into marital discord. I wish you both all the best in your future endeavors…and look forward to trying your crème fraise!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi Recommends: Real Picnic Ideas

Dear Readers:

It SUMMER and the start of outdoor fun! With this in mind, I am recommending

Real Picnic Ideas
by Picnic-Basket.com
Picnics are a great way to gather family and friends for an outdoor meal, but so often is is tough to plan them! You need to think ahead about what kind of food to pack, remembering that certain foods get soggy/stale/inedible faster than others; you need to pack food that people - especially children - will actually eat; you need to pack things that will not sit in your stomach all afternoon, allowing you to jump right back into whatever activities were taking place before eating; but most of all, you need to pack food that isn't going to make a mess!

Real Picnic Ideas offers all sorts of ideas for successful picnicking! Most obviously, the site offers recipes for great picnic food - like a Mexican barbecue (several recipes in one blog!) or something as simple as sugar cookies. However, the site also offers great tailgating tips, links to and reviews of picnic backpacks and suggestions for seasonal outings that involve outdoor eating.

Real Picnic Ideas is a hybrid site - a personal blog run by someone whose family owns a picnicking supply site, so if you see products you just have to have, there are quick links to purchase information. Real Picnic Ideas is also chock full of detailed pictures, so you can view the projects, recipes, and trips that the blog recommends.

I suggest that you take some time to mosey through Real Picnic Ideas before your next outing, because I honestly believe you will find ideas to improve upon your good time - even of you are an "Over-Achieving Mom" (especially if you are an "Over-Achieving Mom"!) who seeks to create the kind of perfect memories for your child that will also result in all the other Moms turning green with envy.

That's it for this week - stay tuned for next week's Tazi Recommends... when I review an Over-Achieving Mom's Blog. It's AWESOME and I wish my Mommie had the time to do all the awesome stuff this woman does! Until then, I will be doing what I do best: napping!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Barb-Throwing Father-In-Law A Menace To Young Family

Dear Tazi:

You have got to be the sweetest kitty-cat on the face of the earth, taking time out of your busy nap schedule to help us humans with our problems. Will you please help me with mine?

My father-in-law, "Chuckie" is an absolute nightmare. The man is mentally abusive, and gets off on making people cry. When I first met my husband, he told me to my face that I wasn't good enough for his son, "Barry". At our wedding (mine and Barry's) Chuckie stood up as if to toast us and announced he was starting a betting pool on how long our marriage would last, inviting the guests to place their wagers. When I got pregnant with our first child, Chuckie asked Barry (to both of our faces) if he was sure it was his kid, since "your wife is such a slut"! Tazi, I am not a slut and yes, the child is Barry's!

I am now pregnant with my second child (my first is almost two) and Chuckie is at it again, telling Barry that I will be "two tons of fun" after our second child is born, based on the fact that I did not lose the last 10 pounds from my first pregnancy. I know that my husband loves me unconditionally - and he has told me as much, in case I did not - but the stress of being around Chuckie is taking its toll on me. I do not want him visiting the house (he complains that I am a poor housekeeper, which I am not) and I do not want him around the children. My husband feels the same way, but will not stand up to his father and allows him to see our young son whenever he wants, which means Chuckie is over all the time.

I have tried kicking Chuckie out but he refuses to leave, saying "[his] son's paycheck pays the mortgage", and until Barry kicks him out he will "stay as long as he [darn] well pleases!" He then taunts me, telling me to "call the cops" if I don't like it. I am sorely tempted to do just that, but I know that it would only put my husband deeper into the middle of the problem; maybe even forcing him to choose between his father and me. Do you have any less drastic suggestions?

Signed,
Not Perfect, But Perfect For Barry

P.S. Barry's mother passed away years ago, so I cannot seek her out for assistance!

Dear Not Perfect...:

Does Chuckie have a key to your house? If so, change your locks; and do not open the door to him when he stops by to see your child. That solves the problem of his invading your home when his son is not there. If Chuckie comes there when your husband is home, that makes him a guest of your husband - not you, so feel free to take your child out to the park, for ice-cream, on errands, or whatever excuse you need to get the two of you out of the house while Chuckie is there. This allows for you and your husband to execute your desire to keep the children from Chuckie without putting your husband in the position of standing up to his father. (A Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust to him for not standing up for you, though!).

If Chuckie complains that you do not allow him to visit the children, tell him why you are keeping them from him: because he is mentally abusive, and you will not have them learning such atrocious habits. Once Chuckie sees that his comments are not playful or fun (as I am sure he sees them) and that hurling them at you will have negative consequences for him, he may decide to lighten up a bit. If he does not, continue to do what you must to protect your children from Chuckie's hateful and hurtful behavior, even if it means allowing only minimal (and always supervised) contact with him.

As for the insults Chuckie hurls at you in front of your husband: turn the insults around. If Chuckie calls you a slut, tell him that Barry got his taste in women from his father. If Chuckie calls you a bad housekeeper, hand him a mop and challenge him to do better. If Chuckie calls you fat, tell him that "not everyone can carry all their fat between their ears like you", implying that he is a "fathead". In time, you will learn how to stand up for yourself; and your father-in-law will either let up on the insults, having felt their sting; or you will discover that he enjoys the barb-throwing - at which point you will need to decide whether or not to ignore him.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Thank you for all the lovely compliments! I do appreciate them! Purrrrrrrr....


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Hustling At Pool The Same As Cheating?

Dear Tazi:

About six months ago, I started dating a man I will call “Stan”. Stan is a great guy, but a few months ago – through no fault of his own – he got laid off from his job. Stan hit the pavement immediately in search of work, but after a few weeks; several dozen job applications; and no phone calls Stan started to get quite discouraged.

One non-work-related talent that Stan has is that he is an amazing pool player. He could play on a professional circuit if he made the effort, but he claims he does not want to travel or search for sponsors or any of the many things involved with such a venture. Instead, Stan has started abusing his talent hustling pool.

I have to admit that Stan is making excellent money by feigning bad shots – he plays well enough to keep people from getting suspicious; but then will purposely miss a complicated trick shot that he has made dozens of times, at which point he will pretend to lose his confidence and let his game go downhill, losing that game and several more. When Stan offers his victim the opportunity to play for high stakes – a chance to win his money back, he tells the person, his opponent jumps at the chance and Stan ends up having just good enough a game to win. The offer is then double or nothing, which is when Stan ends up fleecing his victim.

The dishonesty of what Stan is doing bothers me enough, but it is the fear that he is going to be found out and take a physical beating that keeps me awake at night. I have begged him to stop, but he just laughs and tells me I worry too much; that he never hits the same place twice and that he is very careful not to be discovered. He considers himself a businessman, not a hustler, because he only plays well enough to win; not well enough to embarrass his opponents. Am I overreacting, Tazi? Or is Stan skating on thin ice?

Signed,
Pool Lover’s Lady

Dear Pool Lover’s Lady:

I have to admire Stan’s class, since he only seeks to win big; not embarrass his opponents, but then I have to ask myself; how classy is it to deceive and hustle others? The answer is, it’s not. There are so many issues in play here; I will take them one by one:

To start, there is the matter of illegal gambling. If Stan is playing for high stakes, and he is winning large amounts of money, this constitutes fraud against his unemployment claim; which specifically asks if you have earned any income. Second, this is money that is not subject to taxation, something the State and Federal government would frown upon if they knew about it; and if Stan upsets the wrong person, the wrong people might find out about it!

Second are the ethical issues: When a person chooses to gamble, they are assuming a certain level of risk, figuring that they know the odds and whether or not those odds favor them. By hiding his talents, Stan is skewing the appearance of those odds in favor of his victim, while the true odds remain in his favor. Although this is not illegal, it is highly unethical and has me wondering just how “great” a guy Stan really is.

Third is the very real threat of physical harm befalling Stan over his choice to hustle pool. Stan may not hit the same place twice, but he is not taking into account the fact that not everyone frequents only one pub/bra/pool hall. All it will take is one person to recognize him and his gig is up. Stan is playing with fire, and the odds are that he will get burned.

You cannot control Stan’s behavior; all you can do is control how you react to it. You can explain to Stan all I have told you here, but I doubt that will make any difference. Therefore, the choice is yours: do you want to stay with Stan and continue to worry about how your near future will play out? Or do you feel the need to take a break until Stan decides which economic path is the right choice for him? I have to add, two weeks of looking for a job is hardly long enough to warrant discouragement to the point of giving up. I consider this reaction a huge red flag.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Dress For The Job You Want And See Your Chances Of Getting It Improve

Dear Tazi:

I work in a high profile law firm and have a co-worker who is very good at her job but has no idea how to dress, something that is holding her back in her career.  “Juanita” insists on stuffing herself into the smallest size skintight clothing she can find.  Her muffin top looks more like an exploding volcano cake; her breasts look ready to burst out of her blouse; and I don’t know how her butt fits into her clothes, but to say she has “visible panty lines” is an understatement; I can see the entire outline of her thong or worse, her g-string.   The woman looks like a sausage about to burst its casing, and of course Juanita thinks she looks fantastic.

Juanita and I both work as paralegals at the firm, and both of us work behind the stacks, so to speak.  We do not interact with the clients; those positions are held by paralegals with more experience than we have. My firm promotes from within, so I have always known that with time and experience I would have a chance for a promotion.  Juanita has always hoped for the same, and this is where the problem is.

One of the front-office paralegals is pregnant and has decided that she will be taking an indefinite leave of absence after her child is born.  This means that there will be an opening, at least for the long-term temporary, in the front-office.  Juanita and I have both expressed interest in filling the position.  I have mentioned it to the pregnant paralegal herself, hoping that she might recommend me; Juanita to one of the partners in the firm.

The pregnant paralegal told me that she would be happy to recommend me to cover her position for her, and if I do well recommend me for a permanent position in the front-office.  She told me that I have the professional demeanor and presentation that the firm seeks in its employees, and that my performance will reflect on her since she is recommending me, so it is a win-win situation.  I feel like I can practically count on the higher paycheck already! 

Juanita keeps talking about how much she wants the front-office position and lording over me the fact that she has more experience than me, not so subtly hinting that she believes she will get the job regardless of whether or not I apply for it.  She hints that I should not bother to waste my time applying for the job.

Tazi, I want to tell Juanita that she does not have a snowball’s chance in Hades of getting the front-office job until she changes her style of dress to something more professional, but I am afraid that if I tell her that she just might do it, and get the promotion over me!  I do not want to sabotage her chances of getting the job, but I really want this job for myself, too.  What do you advise, Tazi?  What is the ethical thing to do?

Signed,

Professional Pattie

Dear Professional Pattie:

Lucky for you, it is not your place to tell your co-workers that their style of dress is inappropriate for the office.  Should Juanita be passed over for promotion one too many times, she will eventually figure out – on her own or through Human Resources – that she needs to dress more appropriately if she seeks to advance to a front-office position.  You do not need to feel as though you are sabotaging Juanita’s ambitions by withholding judgment of her wardrobe.

Both you and Juanita have taken a different approach towards expressing your interest in the job; without knowing how the partner Juanita spoke to responded, I cannot know if Juanita’s confidence is genuine or an attempt to shake off her own insecurity.  If the firm is interested in promoting Juanita, they will tell her what she needs to do in order to be seen as a viable candidate for the position. 

If you are still feeling ethically challenged, I suggest you talk to Juanita and ask her what the firm’s partner told her that has given her such confidence that she will get the promotion over you.  Knowing what she knows may ease your worried conscience.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother-In-Law Cruises Away With A Paw Slap Of Disgust!

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law is perhaps the most evil woman who has ever walked the face of the earth! She has never approved of me - no woman could possibly be good enough for her son - and she has always treated me like a second-class family member; but what she has done now is over the line - or should I say completely overboard?

A few months ago, "Bertha" requested that all of her children - and their spouses - go on a cruise together, as a family. Spending ten days with Bertha did not appeal to me, but I love the rest of my husband's family and the idea of a cruise with them was very appealing; so my husband and I both signed on for the trip (for which we paid our own way). The trip was purchased several months in advance, and we were to set sail in August. Note that I said "were", not "are" because my husband and I have discovered that after several years of infertility issues, we are now expecting!

My husband and I are both overjoyed at the prospect of becoming parents and nothing will come before my health and the well-being of the baby. This is where my issue with Bertha's cruise starts: The cruise is scheduled to take place during the week of my due date. Obviously, my husband and I have decided not to go on the cruise; and our family is all being very understanding and excited for us - all except for Bertha who actually accused me of getting pregnant on purpose in order to ruin her family cruise! In the past, she has made comments behind my back about how I must secretly be on birth control, so her comments are not surprising, but are still quite hurtful.

Bertha has told my husband that he should still come on the cruise, even if I won't, because "due dates are not accurate". My husband has told Bertha that she is crazy for thinking he would leave my side so close to my due date and that she will have to accept that we will not be going on the cruise. Bertha is now sulking, and is telling anyone who will listen what a "horrible son" he has become since marrying me! When my husband tried to explain to her that I am his WIFE, Bertha responded, "one day, you two might divorce; but I will always be your mother!".

Since Bertha's efforts at guilting my husband into turning his back on me to accompany her on the cruise are not working, she has started in on me; calling me a bad wife for wanting to "isolate" my husband from his family. Tazi, it's one week - one of the most important weeks of our lives, too! This is supposed to be a happy time for my husband and me, but Bertha is putting undue stress on me and making me miserable with her cruel barbs. Do you have any advice on how to deal with her? I am seriously wondering if I want my child to have a relationship with this woman!

Signed,
Finally Expecting!

Dear Finally Expecting:

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy for you I am purring! You are right that this should be a joyous time for you and your husband, so please do not let Bertha ruin it for you. You are correct in feeling that her barbs are out of line; but it sounds to me that she is reacting out of fear, not love. She is obviously very attached to her son, and as long as the two of you remained child-free you remained (in Bertha's eyes) a couple, not a family. The timing of your due date could have been anytime and it would not matter; Bertha would probably find a reason for why she would find it to be disrespectful to her.

The comment that you got pregnant "on purpose" in order to ruin her cruise is laughable, which was what I did when I pictured Bertha saying it. The next time Bertha starts in with her rude comments, try to smile politely and ignore her. When she finds that her self-absorbed attitude is making her look like a fool, she will hopefully stop. As the arrival date of her grandchild gets closer, Bertha may discover herself having a change of heart towards being away when your baby enters into the world. Perhaps your husband could point this out to her?

With regard to withholding your child from Bertha, you may discover that your baby will give you some common ground on which to build a relationship with your mother-in-law. Rather than pull away, why not work towards including her? Your husband can help you work towards this end. Although I am proud of him for standing up for you, it has to be difficult for him to always be in the middle of the bad blood between you and his mother - who has earned a Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust for her cruel divorce comment!



Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tips From A Nanny On How To Treat Yours

Dear Tazi:

I love, love, love your column and am hoping you will print my letter. I am a professional Nanny in the Boston area, and just gave my two-weeks notice to the family for whom I have worked for the past two years because, as great as the children are, I am sick to death of their parents' poor treatment of me.

I have several leads on a new job, so I am not worried about employment, but decided to put together my own contract this time around instead of using the one provided by the agencies I have worked through in the past. From this contract, I have put together a list of Rules For Parents that I am hoping you will print. Nannies everywhere will thank you!

Rules For Parents, From Your Nanny:

1) I am a Nanny, not a housekeeper or a cook. My job is to assist in the care and raising of your child(ren). In the course of my duties I will see that your child is fed, properly clothed, and their quarters tidy; however, it is not my job to clean your house, do your laundry, or see that dinner is on the table for you when you return from work; so please do not expect me to do these things for you.

2) Part of my job as a Nanny is to see that your children are properly disciplined. I personally do not believe in spanking, so please do not ask me to hit your child. Even if I were a proponent of spanking, the liability alone would stay my hand. A revoking of privileges will usually do the trick.

3) I may not have children of my own, but this does not mean I do not know how to raise a child. Please do not speak down to me. Most Nannies possess post-secondary education and/or specialized training in the field of early childhood education and are better prepared to deal with the stresses of child-rearing than many parents.

4) Please do not take your emotions out on me when your child runs to me before/instead of you to show off their accomplishments/milestones/etc. As a Nanny, I will always encourage your child to put you first; but I cannot help it if they feel a closer bond to me. Consider spending more time with your child and see a closer bond with them develop.

5) If you need me to work overtime I am going to need more than five minutes notice at the end of my shift. You know that you are working late/have plans after work/are stuck in traffic. Give me the courtesy of knowing this, too, so I can notify the people who are waiting on me.

6) Please do not undermine the authority you vested in me when your children complain that I am being "mean" by not giving in to their every desire. There is a reason why I am not allowing them to have ice cream before bed, and it is not because I don't want to deal with them being hyper until after midnight. It might be because I know they have an 8 AM soccer game and need a good night's sleep in order to play their best.

7) Pay me on time. I nanny your child in order to make a living, not because I enjoy their company so much that I quit my day job to spend more time with him/her.

8) While on the subject of payment: If you want me to go on your family vacation with you, you will have to pay me my regular wages as well as my travel expenses. It may be a vacation for you, but it is still work for me; so do not expect me to be grateful for the "opportunity" to travel. You would not go on a business trip for no pay; do not expect me to do the same.

9) Respect my days off and do not expect me to be available on those days. Your boss does not call you at home and demand that you come in to the office on your day off, nor should you do the same to me.

10) Understand that as much as I care about (and for) your child and am like family to you, I am still your employee. Do not expect me to spend Christmas Day or other holidays with you. I have my own family and will be spending time with them. I make this matter clear to your child; please do not confuse them by suggesting otherwise when they whine about how they would like me to be there.

Thank you for giving me a larger voice, Tazi!

Signed,
The Nanny

Dear The Nanny:

My Mommie worked as a part-time Nanny many years ago, so I ran your list by her to see if she agreed. Many of the reasons you listed are among the reasons she chose not to continue in that field, and she actually spewed her coffee from laughing so hard over Rule #7. Apparently, there are a lot of parents who think that payment for services rendered is optional. (She would like to state for the record, though, that the parents she worked for were all amazing, and always paid her on time!).

Thank you for these suggestions! Readers, if you employ a Nanny - or even a part-time babysitter or a daycare professional - please print out a copy of these rules and tape them to your refrigerator door as a reminder to be professionally courteous to your child-care provider.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Facial Scarring Is No Reason To Hang Your Head

Dear Tazi:

Several years ago I was in a fire. I escaped with my life but I suffered horrible burns, especially to my face. I now have a great deal of scarring and facial deformity that I have learned to live with, or so I thought.

My wife and I just got divorced, and I am working on starting a new life without her. I have moved to a new city and have started a new job (I worked for my ex-wife's family business, and it was just too weird to continue after the divorce). I know that I am not ready to start dating yet, but I would like to make some new friends. This is where the problem with my face starts.

I am not blind, Tazi. Luckily, the fire did not damage my eye-sight. I know how I look, and I know that my scars make people wince when they look at me and then turn away, embarrassed. I can't say I blame them - granted, I was never a George Clooney or a Brad Pitt, but now I have been known to frighten small children; and I want to know how I can tell people that it's okay to look me in the face, that I understand the human desire to stare in horrified fascination. I just don't want to put it so bluntly, because I don't want to offend anyone, especially when I am trying to make friends. Do you know how to put what I want to say into words, Tazi?

Signed,
Frank N. Stein

Dear Frank N. Stein:

Oh, I just caught onto that joke! Your self-deprecating humor caught me off-guard. [Ed. Note: Say the name Frank N. Stein really fast]. Your sense of humor is quite endearing, as is your sense of acceptance over your injuries.

You are correct in understanding that when people see someone who looks different there is an uncontrollable desire to stare. Be it a person of exceptional beauty or a person who has suffered a facial deformity, it is human nature to want to pause and examine that which we do not see every day. Your comment that you "have been known to scare small children" tells me that your scarring must be pretty bad, making me think that people who meet you for the first time are caught off guard and do not know how to act/react. They may be wondering how you managed to survive such damaging injuries but do not wish to pry into your personal life. I would not call this "horrified fascination" (though it might be for some, most people are sympathetic to injuries).

The next time you meet - or meet up - with someone who appears to be uncomfortable with your scars, try to put them at ease by simply stating the facts: that you were in a terrible fire, but managed to escape. You can joke that your injuries actually did more damage than can be seen - that before the fire you could have passed for George Clooney's twin brother. Humor generally puts people at ease, and shows the world that you are strong enough to take the questions and curious looks that people might send you way.

Once you have established yourself in your new job and new community, people will feel more at ease with you as they get to know you as a person, and not as a person who stands out in a crowd. Before too long, the friends you make will not even notice your scars because they will be seeing your inner beauty instead of your outer packaging.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner: Issue #1 - Adventures In Unemployment

Tazi’s Corner
Life as Your Pet Sees It!

As a housecat, I have realized that I need to expand my horizons if I was to see the world of humans so I screwed up my courage and jumped into my Mommie’s soft and cozy hobo bag and stowed away whenever she went out to explore the wide world of humans. What I saw piqued my curiosity (I am lucky I wasn't killed by it!) so I perked up my ears and listened to see if anything interesting was being said. A lot of people were talking about needing jobs and wanting to find jobs, but few actually seemed to want to work. Here is a transcript of one conversation I overheard:

Woman: Oh, I am so glad I ran into you! You know so many people and have so many resources, and I need to find a job fast! My unemployment benefits are running out! Do you know anyone who is hiring?

Mommie: Probably; what kind of work are you looking for?

Woman: Anything. I will do anything. I need a paycheck.

Mommie: The tutoring center at the community college needs qualified…[woman cuts off Mommie in mid-sentence!]

Woman: Oh, no. I don’t want to tutor. I can’t stand working with people who just don’t get it.

Mommie: Okay…I was just speaking with the Director of a local pre-school; she is looking for Teaching Assistants to work with the pre-schoolers. She is willing to train the right person, too.

Woman: Oh, no. I hate working with kids.

Mommie: Well, I guess that means you are not the right person. What is your career field?

Woman: Communications

Mommie: Great! The advertising firm where I used to work is always looking for new Account Executives, and they are willing to train, too.

Woman: H[eck], no! I do NOT do sales!

Mommie: [now exasperated] I just came from Wal-Mart and saw that they are hiring.

Woman: Ugh, I would rather work in sales than work for Wal-Mart.

Mommie: Well, what it is you want to do for work? What are you qualified to do?

Woman: Anything, I’ll do anything…

Obviously not, considering that Mommie gave her four leads for entry-level or will-train jobs and she turned them all down! It’s no wonder her unemployment benefits are about to end! The conversation continued from there in a familiar vein. Mommie works for a very good employer, a place where everyone wants to work.

Woman: Are they hiring where you work? How do I get a job there?

Mommie: We are always hiring, it just depends on for what.

Woman: I told you, anything; I just need a JOB!

Mommie: But what are your qualifications?

Woman: I have a great work ethic!

Okay, so we all know that was a lie! Mommie continued to probe, asking if the woman had a CNA license (no); any kind of specialized training (no); bookkeeping skills (no); secretarial and/or computer skills (double no); a college degree (no); or professional licensing of any kind (no). Would she be willing to work in housekeeping? (Again, no; she “wasn’t so desperate” that she would clean toilets).

Mommie: Well, I’m not certain what it is you could do for work; maybe you could meet with a job counselor at the unemployment office?

Woman: No, those people are worthless. Too bad you couldn’t help me, either. Keep me in mind if you hear about any job openings?

I heard Mommie mumble “Don’t hold your breath” as she walked away. Paw slaps of disgust to those who are not willing to take the job offered because it is not the job that they want. Employers want people with experience - and experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want!

Snuggles to everyone else,
Tazi

P.S. On second thought...






















Big thank-you's to regular reader and fellow blogger
Maya Lincoln for sending this pic to me!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.