New Mom Has Separation Anxiety

Dear Tazi:

I am the mother to a beautiful, healthy eighteen month old baby. He is my first child, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. I would give my life to keep him safe, and that is no exaggeration. My problem is, I am dreading the idea of going back to work because it means leaving my precious baby in the care of strangers at a day-care all day. A baby needs his mother!

I have asked my husband about remaining a stay-at-home-mom until our son is old enough to attend pre-school, and then returning to work on a part-time basis until he starts school, when I would work mother's hours until he is old enough to be able to stay on his own. I realize this is an investment of several years of my life, but I am willing to do whatever I must to give my son the very best life possible. My husband, on the other hand...

Tazi, "Frank" has told me that I have to return to work as soon as possible, that i have stretched my maternity leave long enough and that we need my paycheck to survive. Tazi, Frank is a skilled worker who makes a much bigger paycheck than I do, and with the cost of day-care taking up 50% of my take-home pay the amount of money I bring in could easily be made up if Frank were to pick up an overtime shift once a week. Overtime is plentiful at his job, so it is not an issue of whether or not he can get it but of whether or not he will take it.

When I suggested this idea to Frank, he flat-out refused to commit to working overtime so I can stay at home with the baby. He said his job is stressful and tiring enough without having to take on an extra shift that would take him away from me and the baby for an extra 14 hours a week (Frank works 12 hour shifts, with an hour commute each way). Each of us thinks the other is being selfish. I am considering telling my employer that I have decided to be a stay-at-home-mom and let the chips fall where they may (since I think they may have already figured that out), but I don't think this will go over too well with my husband, who is already jealous of the time I get to spend with the baby while he is at work. Who do you think is right, Tazi - me or my husband?

Signed,
New Mommy

Dear New Mommy:

First let me congratulate you and your husband on the birth of your first child! Becoming a parent is a joyous, stressful, life-altering event as I am certain you are discovering! Having seen new moms and their babies before, I have witnessed the incredible bond between mother and child and can see why you would not want to leave your child in day-car to return to work - especially if you will essentially be working a 40 hour week for half the paycheck. However, I can also see your husband's side of the story.

You say that Frank is "jealous" of the time you get to spend with the baby while he is at work. If this is true, I can see why he would become resentful at the idea of working an additional 12-hour shift every week in order to make up for the loss in pay as you spend even more time with your child. I can tell you that this resentment would build exponentially if you were to force his hand by quitting your job, so I do not advise that you do this. Rather, I suggest that you and your husband sit down and discuss the issues that are on your mind.

You feel strongly about being a stay-at-home-mom, and have your reasons for feeling this way. Your husband has strong feelings about your returning to work, and his feelings are equally valid. You believe that a child needs his mother; which is something you can provide by staying at home. Your husband believes that your family needs both the extra paycheck and the presence of a father, something he can provide if you return to work. By suggesting that Frank take on an overtime shift every week, you reduce him to nothing more than a paycheck (in his eyes) which is very hurtful; by demanding that you return to work for (essentially) half-pay is equally hurtful to you. Additionally, the fact that you planned out the next several years of your life without asking for your husband's input had to hurt him. The two of you need to stop hurting each other, and the only way to do this is to openly communicate with each other.

A proven way to effectively communicate is role reversal. I suggest that you and your husband find a neutral time to discuss things between you - say, after the baby has gone to bed but before you two are both so tired you are irritable. You can play the role of Frank and Frank can play the role of you. This activity will force you to think as you believe the other is thinking and reveal these feelings to the other. You may be very surprised at what you discover. Once all the cards are on the table, you will be able to see a much clearer picture and can make a decision from there.

One possibility that you may not have explored is for you to work part-time - half-days five days a week; full days two-days a week; or some combination of the two. This will cut down on the day-care bill and allow you to spend more time with your child so you don't feel so resentful about going back to work. I realize the separation anxiety you are feeling must be overwhelming; but find comfort in the fact that babies are social creatures and enjoy being around other babies. If you find that this solution does not work for you, re-visit the issue with your husband and ask again about being a stay-at-home-mom for the nect year of your son's life, after which point he will be old enough for pre-school. After a steady diet of nap schedules, dirty diapers, endless laundry, and everything else that comes with being a stay-at-home-mom to an infant, I am surprised that you do not crave the company of adults and the intellectual stimulation of an outside job.

I wish both you and your husband the best of luck, and your little one the best of health! Remember, a happy home is the best gift you can give your child.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Homeowner Seeks To Curb Inappropriate Nighttime Behaviors

Dear Tazi:

I have an awkward problem that presents no obvious solution. I own my own home, towards the end of a dead end street, and next door to my house is an undersized lot not suitable for building. The owner lost an appeal for a change of zoning to allow him to build and since then has left the land to go fallow. Because of this the already wooded lot has become quite overgrown and unsightly but providing the seclusion the local teens like, if you catch my meaning.

The lot next door has become something of a local "make out" spot as well as a place for other teenage activities. Every Saturday, Sunday, and (sometimes) Monday morning I have to clean up after the visitors from the night before. If I am lucky, it is just empty beer cans and liquor bottles; if I am not lucky, it is used condoms and vomit.

I remember what it was like to be young and looking for a good time, so I am hesitant to call the police to report these activities. On the other hand, I really do not want these activities taking place directly across from my house. I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought of approaching the offenders, but can think of no other way to get them to respect the fact that my neighborhood is a respectful, residential place. Do you have any ideas I can try, Tazi? I am open to all suggestions.

Signed,
Not In My Backyard

Dear Not In My backyard:

This situation is one type of NIMBYism I am comfortable promoting. The fact that these young - and quite possibly not so young - people are leaving copious evidence of their activities is rude, disrespectful, and downright unacceptable. You say that you are uncomfortable with reporting these night-time activities to the police; would you be comfortable reporting them to the land owner? He may be in a tiff because his land is not suitable for building, but he is still responsible for what occurs on his property and if someone is injured while partying on it he may be legally liable.

If reporting the activities taking place on his property does not phase the land owner enough to bring about action on his part, you may want to consider installing motion-detection floodlights on the edge of your property. If you put them facing outward they will turn on when someone trespasses on the property next door, exposing that which prefers the privacy that the dark offers. Once the word gets out that light is being shone on the matter the problem should solve itself.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Lack Of Self-Confidence Can Be Overcome With Practice

Dear Tazi:

Where do you find the confidence to be you? I look at your profile picture of you sitting in what you call your "Tower of Power" and you just ooze confidence. I read your column every day, and you always have the best answers to the problems people have.

I would love to have your confidence and self-assurance, but I always feel like I am not quite good enough at what I do to excel at it. I would like to have your confidence. Can you tell me your secret?

Signed,
Dorothy, Small and Meek

Dear Dorothy, Small and Meek:

You want me to teach you how to Tazi? Hmmmmm....well, since I adore your Wizard of Oz reference, I will let you in on a little secret: I am actually a very shy little scardey-cat who runs and hides under the bed at the slightest of loud noises. My list of fears includes the sound of a flushing toilet, large bugs, and the chihuahua who lives next door - even though I outweigh him by 5 pounds. My brave self-confident appearance is a front I put up because if I act brave, I don't always have to be brave!

From the sound of your letter, you have low self-esteem. Talking to a trained counselor could help you discover why you have such a low opinion of yourself, which would give you a starting point on learning to love yourself. Once you learn how to do that, you will realize that you are worthy of all of the wonderful things life has to offer - and may even find yourself gravitating towards adventure, like me! Today I went outside even though it was raining! For a cat, this is a big step! You don't have to start this big; you can start small by rewarding yourself with a special treat when you feel you have done a good job on something. Not a great job, mind you; a good job is enough to earn a reward. In time, you will find those rewards inspire you to see greatness in all that you undertake.

The great thing about confidence is that it can be faked until you start to feel the real thing; and one good way to learn it is by faking it! Here are some tips on how to look confident, even if you don't feel confident:

Stand up straight and tall. Have you ever noticed how a cat will arch its back when it feels threatened? This is our way of standing up straight and tall, and believe me it gets respect!

Look people in the eye. If you are not comfortable doing this, look at the bridge of their nose. From a distance of eighteen inches or more they will not be able to tell the difference. (Try it, it's fun!).

Speak in an even tone. This one may take practice, but if you speak in a calm, even tone of voice it will calm your nerves, which will increase your confidence, as well as soothe the person to whom you are speaking. A calm listener is a non-threatening listener.

Visualize yourself accomplishing great things. When you have some time to yourself, close your eyes and picture yourself accomplishing your dreams - from the smallest of hopes to the wildest of fantasies. Seeing our goals helps us to accomplish them.

Believe in yourself. There is an expression that states, "Whether you believe you can or cannot, you are right!" As cheesy as that sounds, it's true.

Surround yourself with positive people. Nothing will drain your confidence and self-respect quicker than people who work to bring you down, so don't give them the chance to do it.

With practice, these tips can help you to feel more confident as well as look more confident. I cannot guarantee that you will have the confidence of a cat - that's a pretty tall order - but you should find yourself better able to function under stress.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It's Peanut Butter And Jelly Time!

Dear Tazi:

I am thirteen and in the seventh grade. Ever since I started school, I have packed the same lunch every day: a peanutbbutter and jelly sandwich, pretzels, and a drink-box of milk. Lately, my friends have been teasing me and calling my lunch "babyish" and making baby sounds whenever I pull my sandwich out of my lunch bag.

Tazi, I like peanut butter and jelly, but I don't like getting teased (obviously). I really don't want to have to make something else for lunch - my Mom works the night shift and my Dad goes to work early, so I make my own lunch. A peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat bread is healthy, nuttritious, and easy to make. I have tried explaining this to my friends, but they just laugh and tell me I need to start eating a "more sophisticated" lunch. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do, Tazi? Should I abandon my PB&J and should I listen to my friends?

Signed,
Goober Girl

Dear Goober Girl:

Where I come from, calling someone a "goober" is a questionable term of endearment; but then I remembered that "goober" is also a Southern slang word for "peanut". Now your signiture makes so much more sense...

I have to tell you that I completly understand you! I have a preference for one type of cat cereal [Ed. Note: "cat cereal" is what Tazi calls his dry food]. I really hate when my Mommie tries to interest me in a different brand. There is nothing wrong with my brand.

If your friends are picking on you about your lunch - and refuse to give up on it after you shrug it off - perhaps it is their own insecurities that they are expressing. A "more sophisticated" lunch? Seriously? You are in middle school. There is no need to care so much about what others think about your lunch. You are correct that peanut butter on whole wheat bread is healthy, nutritious, and easy to prepare. It is also an economiocal choice. As for the jelly part...

Jelly generally has little nutritional value. If you would like to perk up your lunch a little without abandoning your peanutbbutter, why not try fresh cut fruit instead of jelly? Banana is a traditional topping for peanutbutter, but my Mommie highly recommends fresh strawberries, blueberries, or raspberries. She also likes honey, but that sometimes gets messy.

If you are truly stuck on jelly, why not try jam? Made with the whole fruit, it is a healthier - and more sophisticated - choice, coming in traditional flavors like grape or strawberry as well as cutting edge flavors like plum or blackberry. If you cannot find these flavors locally, you can order online from the Prince Edward Island Preserve Company out of Canada. Their products are reasonably priced and make great gifts (if your parents are looking for gift ideas). Their page also has a blog offering recipe ideas. Even if you do not purchase from them, the products will expand your horizons so you can view the many jam, jelly, marmalade, and compote flavors out there. Is a sour cherry marmalade or a black currant preserve "sophisticated" enough for your pals? Spread on a shortbread cracker or a Carr's wheat cracker; I find it wonderful (and I hate people food!).

Never try to change to please others. You are the one who has to eat your own lunch.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Day At The Park Was Not Walk In The Park For This Dad

Dear Mr. Tazi Kat:

I am fuming! I went to the playground today with my 3-year-old daughter only to find a group of older girls (they looked about 12, and some were wearing makeup) sitting on the swings and refusing to leave. I politely asked if my daughter could use the playground equipment, but these girls refused to budge. The swings are really the only playground toy that she can play on - monkey bars are too high; she is too small for a see-saw; and the slide scares her. It was not like these girls were actually swinging on the swings - they were just sitting there gossiping!

After about 20 minutes of running around, my daughter was getting antsy to use the swings, so I once again approached the group of girls who had commandeered the swings and asked if my child could use them for the purpose intended. The lead girl let out a huge sigh and asked me what part of "no" did I not understand? Infuriated, I called the Sheriff's Office to complain; but when an officer arrived on the scene to question the girls, they told him that I was harassing them and making them feel very uncomfortable! The officer actually came up to me and asked if I had proof that the child I claimed as mine (my daughter) really was my child, and grilled me like I was some kind of sexual predator scoping out the playground under the guise of being a good father!

Tazi, to start my daughter looks just like me; plus I have at least a dozen photos of her and my wife (her mother) in my wallet. Second, I am an upstanding member of my community! This, however, did not matter: I was asked to leave the playground because I was getting a little hot under the collar, which I regrettably did. What is this world coming to when a group of ill-mannered pre-teens can force a parent and young child out of a playground? I would like to file a complaint of my own with the Sheriff, but my wife tells me that I should just let sleeping dogs lie before my reputation ends up tarnished. What say you, Mr. Kat?

Signed,
A Good Father

Dear Good Father:

While it was admirable of you to take your daughter to the playground, and while it sounds like the pre-teen girls who were already there were quite rude, you must understand that the playground is still a public park where all kinds will gather and the police - who were not there to witness the events - need to take extra precautions when dealing with children.

It is obvious that the girls on the swings were a group of Queen Bees looking to start trouble in order to boost their own sense of power and ego, and you had the unfortunate experience of stumbling upon their nest. Because they chose to complain about you to the law officer who showed up (after you called them!) I think it would be a good idea to file a complaint that will tell your side of the story - that you were there with your young child and attempted to secure a swing for her from a group of overage youngsters who were loitering. Be certain to mention that it was you who called the Sheriff's office in the first place, and that you did not appreciate the thinly veiled accusations that you were a sexual predator. Once your side of the story is on file for the record (something the reporting officer should have taken at the scene) you should let the situation drop, lest further trouble find you in the form of the parents of these pre-teen girls.

As I said in the opening of my response, a public park - especially a playground - attracts all kinds, including those with less than honorable intentions towards the youth who gather there. I, for one, would rather be briefly hassled by a police officer who is looking to protect the children of my community than see a predator believed when he casually points to someone else's child and claims him/her as his own in an effort to blend in with the rest of the playground crowd.

Since, by your own admission, your daughter is too young to use any of the playground equipment - with the exception of the swings - maybe you could look for a better location for her to play outdoors; one where there is more for her to do (many children like the swings, and they are not always available, even when there are no pre-teen girls hogging them). In the meantime, you could file this experience away as an example of the woman you do not want your daughter to become, and continue to actively parent her in such a way that as she grows, she will learn how to respect her elders and treat those younger than her with the kindness that she would like to receive.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #34 - Take Time Before Time Takes You

Dear Readers,

This week, while sitting on top of the HELP WANTED ads (because I cannot have Mommie leaving the house for work) I saw an ad that just about broke my little kitten heart. In short, it read as follows:

COMPANION NEEDED: Companion needed 1 – 2 hours a week to play chess with elderly gentleman with MS. $20/hr…

How sad that this man’s children must pay someone ($20 an hour, at that!) to spend time with their father, indulging in a game of kings. I realize that people work during the day, that chess is not everyone’s cup of tea, but how far have we fallen as a society that we must pay a stranger to act as a companion to keep our elderly loved ones entertained? How inconvenient would it be to see that Father has a ride to the local Senior Center to meet up with some of his old cronies? How distasteful would it be to take the time to learn how to play chess and to spend 120 minutes a week sitting with Grandpa and listening to him talk? How off-putting would it be to assist Uncle in moving the pieces when his hands do not want to go where he is directing them?  How far have we fallen, indeed…?  Atticus Finch would have sent Jem and Scout to visit, for free.

If you look in the mirror and see someone who doesn't have time for those who crave even the smallest ounce of companionship, maybe now is the time to reflect on how to carve time into your busy schedule, before you become the one with all the time in the world…and no one with whom to spend it.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Failure At Life" Seeks the Secret To Success

Dear Tazi:

Why is it some people have such successful lives while others of us struggle every day to try and make it big? I don’t mean falling into a pile of money by winning the lottery, although that would be nice; I mean plain old success – being able to find financial success in a job that fulfills, a lasting romance, and an end to the drama that seems to follow me wherever I go, encasing me like a mummy in its tomb. Believe me when I tell you, I am a failure at life.

Is there some secret to success that I am missing? Or is it all just dumb luck/the luck of the draw? And why is it that I always seem to draw the short straw at everything I attempt – from work to romance to just having friends I can count on to be there for me when I need them? I could go on and on, but I think you can see what I mean. I have failed at completing a [college] degree the multiple times I have tried and I have failed at the many career paths I have tried, both of which have contributed to a string of failed relationships that have left me feeling hollow inside. There I go again – I said I would stop, and I went on and on in spite of my desire not to [...] I have even failed at writing this letter.

Signed,
Chasing Mr. Tambourine Man

Dear Chasing Mr. Tambourine Man:

I assume your signature is in reference to the lyrics of the Bob Dylan song. How...I want to say sad, but I don’t think pity is what you seek; nor is it what I am trying to impart. In all honesty, you sound like you are at the point where you enter every situation expecting the worst and thus experience a self-fulfilling prophecy. Is this due to depression or just a negative outlook on life? You may find mental health counseling to be beneficial.

To answer your question as to why some people are so successful, I refer to Thomas Edison, who once said “the harder I work, the luckier I get”. Edison was, of course, not suggesting that hard work leads to luck; just that hard work – the behind-the-scenes work that others rarely see – leads to successful results. Edison was an Inventor, a man who had a scientific mind and was able to create mechanisms that society found to be of use and value – the light bulb, the phonograph, and the movie camera the best known among them; but these three examples are only a small sample of the many patents – over 1,000 – that Mr. Edison held. Many of these inventions were abject failures, such as the idea of concrete furniture. Yes, that means actual furniture, for the home, made of concrete; which during Mr. Edison's time was prohibitively expensive.

You say that you are seeking work that offers both financial success and personal fulfillment. This combination is a rare one, indeed. Work was not designed to fulfill the soul – for that, we have recreation. Work was designed so that we can make a living. Even the most enjoyable jobs have plenty of days where the tasks grate on your mind, body, and soul; where you feel unappreciated and wish for more. So long as you are not bursting into tears at the thought of going into work, try to find contentment in your job rather than fulfillment.

You mention that you have failed to attain a degree the multiple times you have tried to complete one. College is a challenge that requires us to accept that we still have things to learn, and we must reach beyond our comfort zone in order to stretch our abilities. Even if you chose to study something that fulfills you, this does not guarantee that schooling will be easy or fun. If this is what you were expecting, it could be the reason you found failure instead of success. If you chose to concentrate in only one area – to put all of your eggs in one basket, so to speak – this could be another reason why success has eluded you.

Most colleges recommend that you broaden your skills set by completing a minor program of study in something opposite your major. For example: if you major in Business, you could minor in Cultural Anthropology (a great combination, which will help you deal with International clients) or Theatre/Acting, which would instill great sales skills. If you did the opposite – majored in Art or Theatre – you could minor in Education or Marketing, which would allow you to teach and/or better market your own work to potential customers.

As for romance and lasting friendships; a flower cannot bloom under stressful conditions, and neither can a relationship. I realize that most humans seek companionship (this desire is foreign to us cats!), but until you are ready to love yourself it is highly doubtful that you will be able to hold up your end of a loving relationship with another - romantic or platonic. I suggest you take a break from romance until you have put your life together and have worked on being they type of friend you would like to have. Not only will this give others the strength to remain by your side during the bad times, but it will help you to develop the emotional fortitude required to give what a relationship requires.

Overall, there is no one recipe for success; but there are several common ingredients, including the offering of a skill that society deems necessary and worthwhile. The rarer that necessary and/or worthwhile skill, the better chances you have of finding success with it. Combined with hard work that is aimed at the proper target, success should not elude. You may be the world’s best salesperson, but if you are trying to sell a bicycle to a fish you will meet with failure every single time.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. This is a last minute edit, but RuPaul put it so wonderfully! "[It's] [h]ard to remain patient with friends who focus solely on their own crucifixion..." - RuPaul (via Facebook)


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Oprah Obsession Not A Bad Thing; Tazi Suggests Participating In "The Thank You Game"

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I have never seen addressed anywhere before, so I am hoping you can tell me if it is normal or if I should seek professional help: I am obsessed with Oprah Winfrey.

When I say "obsessed", I mean obsessed. I have watched her talk show for years. I used to tape it every day, and I still have copies of the older shows; back when blank VHS tapes were easy to find. When I can't catch Oprah on TV, I watch the old episodes from my collection. I love the advice Oprah gives, and try to live my life according to her principles. Once, I was even lucky enough to be a member of her studio audience! It was a fantasy come true, even though I was sitting way up high away from the stage and did not get to talk to Lady O. Just being in her presence was enough for me.

People have told me that my obsession with Oprah and "O. Living" (yes, I also subscribe to O magazine) goes too far, and that I need to form my own ideas and principles in order to be my own person; that right now I am just a "zombie" to Oprah's word. This might be true; but her ideas are so great and have really helped me along my path, bringing me fortune and a comfortable lifestyle. It's not like I worship Oprah; although I will admit I talk about her a lot, but it is only to give credit where credit is due. What do you think, Tazi? Do I have a problem? I would write to Oprah herself, but even I realize that she would have a biased opinion on the matter. I live and die by the OWN network!

Signed,
Oprah's Biggest Fan!

Dear Oprah's Biggest Fan:

Do you know what Oprah's latest Facebook promotion is? Of course you do, I am just asking for the sake of my other readers, who may not know. If you go to the Oprah Winfrey Network page on Facebook, you can participate in the "Thank You Game" - a very simple concept where every day you reach out and say "thank you" to people who have had a positive affect on your life. Every day, the person you thank is different. One day, you thank someone you love; another day you thank someone who gave you an opportunity...it just started on April 30th, so for those who missed it, you have not fallen behind yet!

Now that I have done my civic duty by promoting this VERY IMPORTANT "GAME" (I am telling you, we cats do nothing but give, give, give!) I will answer your question: If what you have is a problem, then I think the world needs more problems like yours. Oprah's motto (on Twitter) is "Live your best life"; and this seems to be what you are doing, through her long-distance guidance.

You mention that you "talk about Oprah a lot". This could be what has your friends more annoyed than concerned, and they are lashing out in the spirit of this annoyance. If you were a "Jesus Freak" (and I do not mean that as a pejorative - this link will bring you to the DC Talk video of the song by that name) - would you (or others) think you had a problem? Probably not, although they might get equally annoyed that you keep proselytizing; which is what you appear to be doing for Ms. Winfrey.

I will not advise you to tone down your Oprah-esque lifestyle since it works well for you; but I would suggest that you take the admiration down a notch. From what I hear, Ms. Winfrey is a humble woman and referring to her as "Lady O." might make her blush. So long as the principles you are following are principles you agree with, I say follow your current course. Nobody has ownership (or copyrights) to values and principles; rather, they are something that are meant to be shared.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Baker's Secret Ingredient Comes From A Box

Dear Tazi:

I feel like such a fraud. I grew up in a world of 4-H club, Grange, and Future Farmers. Put me in a barnyard, and I can win blue ribbons with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind me back; but put me in a kitchen and I am as helpless as a newborn baby.

My Mom was always an amazing baker, and her pies would win first prize in every contest she entered. People would rave about her baking, and she was frequently approached by local restaurants asking her to bake for their dessert menus. After Mom passed away a few years ago, I inherited her recipes. As a tribute to her, I decided it was time that I learned to bake, too. I figured that with Mama's recipes, I would finally be able to make something that was worth eating. Boy, was I wrong!

Tazi, my pie crusts are like shoe leather and no matter what I do, my cakes always fall flat. Even I won't eat my own peach preserves, they are so runny; and my pear tart is frightening. A part of me feels like I am letting Mama down, so I have tried even harder to learn how to bake; but it seems like the harder I try to worse I fail. I finally gave up, and in a moment of desperation (I had company coming over, and they were looking forward to Mama's cherry cobbler) I bought a Pillsbury pie crust and some jarred cherry preserves in the next town over (which is about 30 miles away) and threw together the best darn cobbler I have ever tasted. It was apparent that my guests thought so, too, because they all told me how amazing my cobbler was - even better than my Mom's, God rest her soul!

Word of how delicious my cherry cobbler was spread quickly - mostly because people were shocked that I could bake anything that would turn out edible - and now people are encouraging me to enter my cobbler in an upcoming bake-off. Tazi, I just can't...the bake-off requires homemade recipes, and my ingredients are all store-bought! If I enter the bake-off, I will feel like a complete fraud; but what excuse can I give to avoid entering? All I ever wanted to do was make Mama proud. Now, I feel like she must be rolling in her grave.

Signed,
Pillsbury Dough Girl

Dear Pillsbury Dough Girl:

Although I cannot vouch for the jarred cherry preserves you purchased, I have to say that Pillsbury makes one amazing pie crust! If the preserves you purchased were just as good, that cherry cobbler you made had to be out of this world! I don't even LIKE people food, but I always make an exception for chicken pot-pie made with Pillsbury crust. I'm not helping your guilt any, am I? Sorry...

Not everyone has your mother's talents in the kitchen, just as not everyone has your talents in the barnyard. It is okay to not be good at everything; but it is not okay to misrepresent yourself in a competition. How would you feel if someone's hog won a blue ribbon for size because they hopped it up on steroids? I bet you would feel the same as the woman who slaved over her pie crust but received a red ribbon because you took first place.

If I were you, I would not - under any circumstances - enter that bake-off that folks are encouraging you to enter. If they ask you why you refuse to enter, tell them the truth: that the recipes you have are not your own; they were created by your mother and the honor of competing with them belonged to her. Then let the matter drop. Unless it is the Pillsbury Bake-Off* that you are entering, then by all means go for it - just be sure to reveal that you are using Pillsbury ingredients, a requirement of all entrants.

Snuggles,
Tazi

*The 2012 Pillsbury Bake-Off actually took place this past Tuesday.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Social Media A Double-Edged Sword

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend is pure evil. I don't know what I ever saw in the guy - maybe his initial charm? Obviously, our break-up was not a pleasant one; nor was it mutual.

"Wesley" is the type of guy who expects the world to turn at his command. If there is something he needs that he cannot provide for himself, he expects others to provide it because he believes that is what makes someone a good friend. When I had a job opportunity that required a transfer to a different part of the country, I told Wesley I would appreciate his support in my plan to relocate, because I thought our relationship stood a good chance of developing into something more serious. Because Wesley liked the area (it is a metropolitan area in a warm climate), he encouraged me to take it and told me we could "do the long-distance thing" and he would follow in a few months. What I did not realize was that Wesley's plan to follow me did not include looking for work before his arrival. Rather, he planned on living with me until he could "land on his feet". I was not entirely happy with this plan, but I went along with it because I had no choice - he showed up unannounced.

After three months living with me rent free, Wesley still had not found a job; nor had he made a serious effort to find something - anything - that would pay some kind of wage. I realize that a McJob is not a career, but at least it pays the bills; Wesley, however, felt this type of work was beneath him and refused to even apply for entry-level work in or out of his career field. For this and other reasons, I told Wesley it would be best if we went our separate ways, and offered to pay for his plane ticket back home. This was not a request, but a break-up, and I made that clear to Wesley.

Once he returned to our home state, Wesley started asking for a second chance at "the long distance thing" since it was obvious that he was not ready to move. I refused, because in the three months that he was here I saw a side of Wesley that I did not like and, quite frankly, it killed my feelings for him. Wesley refused to take no for an answer and kept demanding an explanation until I finally told him my feelings for him had died. I thought this would be the end of things, but it has not.

Wesley has taken to complaining about me on his Facebook and Twitter pages, saying I have done him wrong and how unfair I am being to not give him a second chance. When he refused to stop, I blocked him so he would be unable to tag me in his posts; but my friends tell me that this just led to him using my name without a tag, and made his rants against me even worse. Wesley is the type of guy who cannot go to the bathroom without tweeting about it, so this should give you an idea of the amount of posting he is doing about me, our breakup, and the insulting things he is saying about me. I keep all of my social media pages private, so it does not appear in an Internet search, but Wesley keeps his public; so I am afraid of what is appearing.

I would like to know, is what Wesley is doing even legal? Do I have any recourse to force him to stop? I am afraid that the stuff he is posting is going to hurt my career.

Signed,
Not "The Whore Of Babylon"

Dear Not "The Whore of Babylon":

You offer quite a history for such a quick question, and paint an unflattering picture of Wesley;,which leads me to believe the things Wesley is saying about you are not all that flattering, either. The question is, are they true? If the things Wesley are writing about you are in fact true, I am afraid you will simply have to grin and bear it, and accept the fact that he is being very immature. Let this be a lesson to you to:

1) Clean up your act, and behave in a way that does not provide fodder for malicious gossip

2) Stand up for yourself.

As uncomfortable as it would have been to turn Wesley away when he showed up on your doorstep, his behavior was disrespectful to you, and should have been a warning sign of what was to come. I suggest that, in the future, you make your lines more clearly drawn and refuse to allow them to be crossed.

If the things Wesley is writing about you are untrue you can report the items directly to the Customer Service Department of the social media site and they will see that the offending items are removed. If the things Wesley is writing about you are untrue and damaging your reputation in such a way as to cause damage to your standing at work or in your community, he has committed libel against you, a charge that can be addressed in civil court, but I must warn you; libel can be very, very difficult to prove. You may just want to let this one go and free yourself from Wesley's attentions all the sooner.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Happy Mother's Day From Tazi Kat!

Dear Readers:

Today is

Mother's Day

a day to celebrate those who have given us life - be it from their womb, from their hearts, or from both. As a cat, I never got to know my birth Mommie; but I have a wonderful adoptive Mommie for whom I live and breathe. My Mommie has several woman who chose to mother her, and I am certain there are those who look to her as a Mommie-figure, too.

Here in America, Mother's Day was first celebrated in the early 1900's as a campaign by Anna Jarvis to recognize the hard work of mothers everywhere. By 1911 the holiday was celebrated in almost all of the individual states, and on May 8, 1914 the second Sunday in May was declared Mother's Day by federal decree. The history of Mother's Day does not start or end here, though.

As far back as the Ancient Greeks and Romans celebrations to the mothering goddesses have been offered in praise and gratitude. In the Middle Ages, the British celebrated Mothering Sunday as a part of their Lenten observances; and here the States Julia Ward Howe (author of the Battle Hymn of the Republic) was the first on record to suggest continuing this tradition of honoring mothers as part of a campaign for a pacifist government - after all, it was the sons of mothers who were going to war.

Today, Mother's Day is celebrated world-wide, much to the joy of florists, card manufacturers, and purveyors of brunch and fine jewelries; so on this day, I gently nudge you to take the time to offer your love and appreciation to the woman - or women - that your heart calls "Mom" (English)...or "Makuahine" (Hawaiian)...or "Mami" (Spanish)...or "Mueter" (Swiss German)...or [insert word for "Mother" here].

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. A huge thank you to Mother's Day Celebration.com for the wonderful information posted about this special day!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Closet Eater Has Friends Wondering Why She Is So Overweight

Dear Tazi:

I feel like I have come to know you from reading your column. I feel like we are old friends, which is why I am confiding in you with my problem: I am a closet eater.

I have always been heavy, but after my divorce four years ago I turned to food for comfort and my weight ballooned out of control. I would see the disapproving looks on the faces of family and friends as I reached for yet another helping at the dinner table, and made a New Year's Resolution (two years ago) to lose all of the weight I had gained, and then some. I went public with my resolution, and everyone was so proud of me that I did not want to disappoint them...but I found I did not want to leave food behind, either.

Publicly, I eat very little; but privately I gorge myself on cookies, candy, cakes, and pies. I never bring any of these foods home (I only keep healthy, organic foods in the house) so there is no tell-tale inventory or trash that will give away my secret. I eat in my car and throw the trash in the dumpster at the fast-food drive-thru...where I also stop to load up on burgers, fries, and shakes.

Needless to say, I have not lost an ounce and in fact have gained an additional 110 pounds over the past two years. I now tip the scales at 453 pounds, as of this writing. I am sure that number is going to go up by the time this letter is printed. The larger part of my problem (no pun intended) is not that I want to lose weight; it is that I can no longer find clothes that fit me. I buy special sizes through catalogs, but I am fast approaching the maximum size that they sell!

I NEED help, but don't know where to turn! My doctor has said that I am a candidate for gastric bypass surgery, but that would mean giving up food altogether, and I am not ready to do that. I would hate to go to a program like Weight Watchers, because I hear their two-year recidivism rate is something like 90%. If I take the weight off, I want to keep it off for good! You seem so knowledgeable about so many things, Tazi; do you know of something that might help me?

Signed,
Fatty, Fatty, two-By_Four...

Dear...:

I will not repeat that insulting signature; after all, we are friends, right? And friends do not say such nasty things about each other. Rather, friends help each other; so here is what I suggest you do: make friends with yourself.

From the sound of your letter, you turned to food for comfort and acceptance during a time of overwhelming heartbreak (your divorce). Now, it appears that your heart is still broken; but over a loss of self-love, and once again food is there to comfort. It also appears that you hide your eating from others because you fear losing their love, too. The "disapproving glances" you mention are probably born out of concern for your health, not disgust for your eating habits. Those who truly care about you are not going to stop caring because of a number on the scale. I suggest that you come clean to them, and enlist in their help - in time.

The first thing you need to do is contact Overeaters Anonymous, a non-profit organization that offers a 12-step program that will help you tackle your addiction to food in precise, manageable steps. The meetings are confidential - thus the term "anonymous" in the name - and you will be among people who are fighting the same problems are you are fighting. These people will be at various stages in their journey, and listening to them could offer you a world of hope for your future. Best of all, the meetings are a safe place where you can be yourself with nothing to hide.

If you would like, you can also enlist in the assistance of a professional counselor who specializes in disordered eating or the help of a certified nutritionist to keep you on the track to your weight-loss goals. Think of this journey not as one of deprivation, but as a path to overall better health. Once you feel comfortable "coming out" about your closet eating, share the news with your family and friends; asking for their understanding and support.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. You are correct that Weight Watchers has a very high recidivism rate. However, it is in part because people stop going to the meetings, and stop following the healthy eating practices that they have been taught to follow.

Photographer Friend Is Guest First, Professional Second

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional photographer, and my problem is probably as old as photography itself. As you may have already guessed, my issue is with friends assuming that I will photograph their event for free as a "gift". In the market where I work, a good photographer can make upwards of $1,000 per event, so to offer my services as a gift would be extremely generous, and I have learned to be up front with these requests, explaining to my friends that I would prefer to attend the event as a guest as opposed to a contractor. Most of them get the message.

This summer promises to be a busy time for me. So far, I have paying events booked every weekend through the end of September, with very few days off. I am not complaining, and am appreciative of the work; I mention this because it has to do with the reason I am writing to you. My ex-sister-in-law "Shari" is getting re-married this June. Her divorce from my brother was a bitter one, but she and I have remained close for the sake of their young children.

Several months ago, Shari asked me if I would photograph her wedding as a gift, and I gave her my standard reply - that I would rather attend the event as an invited guest as opposed to a contractor. Shari gave me a deadpan look in response and told me that my presence as a guest would be "inappropriate" since I am the sister of her ex-husband. I was taken aback by her abruptness, and more than a little hurt that she would ask me for such an expensive wedding gift in one breath, and in the next make it clear to me that I would not be welcome as a guest. I wiggled my way out of the situation by telling Shari that I was probably already booked for that weekend, and would get back to her - which, to my shame, I never did. Both of us let the matter drop. At least, I thought we did.

This week an invitation to Shari's wedding came in the mail, along with a hand-written request that I bring my camera to photograph the event. I am not certain how to respond. Do I ignore this obvious attempt to coerce me into photographing Shari's wedding for free? R.S.V.P. that I will be attending without my camera? R.S.V.P. that I will attend, but make no mention that I will not be bringing my camera? Ignore the back-handed invite altogether? To be honest, my young nephew and niece are the only reason I have not written Shari out of my life at this point. As luck would have it, I am free the day of her wedding.

Signed,
Camera Shy

Dear Camera Shy:

If Shari were a man I would say that she has balls the size of the Trojan horse to send such a crass message in your "unvitation" to her wedding! I have heard of Bridezillas before, but Shari has truly gone the extra mile in her obvious attempt to secure your professional services free of charge. Her attempts at soliciting your services as a gift was crass enough; but to turn around and tell you that your presence as an invited guest would be inappropriate truly takes the three-tiered cake!

As tempted as you must be to ignore the invitation to Shari's wedding, refusing to R.S.V.P. is never in good taste; I suggest that you resist the urge to throw it into the circular file and forget about it. If I were you, I would send my regrets that I am unable to attend the wedding and include a hand-written note wishing Shari and her husband all the best in their new life together. If you wish to send a gift, that will be up to you. Perhaps you could offer your services to provide a bridal portrait sitting for Shari and her children? If you actually wish to attend this wedding, I would strongly advise against it, as it is pretty obvious that you are not welcome without your camera. I wish her luck in finding a photographer at this late date.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. A big paws up to you for remaining an active Auntie to your nephew and niece!

("") ("")
(These are supposed to be my paws!) --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Don't Be A Tool; Treat Others Property With Respect

Dear Tazi:

I love my wife with all my heart, and would not trade her for the world. That said, I do have one problem with her: she has a tendency to use my expensive tools improperly.

I work as a contractor, so I have a very well appropriated workshop that is full of specialized tools. My screwdrivers and such may look like something you can pick up at the local Home Depot or Sears, but trust me when I tell you they are quite specialized. I have tried to explain this to my darling wife, but she does not seem to understand that a screwdriver cannot do double duty as a hammer simply by using the opposite end of it. Last week she could not find a staple remover, so she grabbed my chrome-plated awl to do the job. I know because she forgot to put it away and I found it in the office among a pile of twisted staples.

Like I said, Tazi, I love my wife dearly and would never, ever purposely say or do anything to hurt her, but after several years of putting up with this quirk of hers I am reaching the end of my rope! Do you have any suggestions on how to get her to leave my stuff alone?

Signed,
Handy Smurf

Dear Handy Smurf:

I have always wondered finally who won Smurfette's heart - Handy Smurf or Hefty Smurf. Smurfette never did strike me as the do-it-yourself type, so you two must make a pretty good match. (Okay, I know that you aren't really a mythical blue creature, I just could not resist!).

I am sorry to hear that your wife has been digging around in your toolbox and taking things. Have you considered maybe buying her a set of inexpensive tools all her own? Many manufacturers make a variety of tools for around the home that are designed with women in mind (you can even get them in pink, so they will never be confused with your tools).

If purchasing your wife tools exclusively for her use does not alleviate the problem, might you consider putting a lock on your toolbox so she cannot get into it? Normally, I am adverse to having one spouse keep their things locked away from the other; but tools, when used improperly, can cause serious and permanent injuries. You can think of it as an investment in her health, the health of your tools, and the health of your marriage. However, before taking this step, take a moment to explain to your wife just why you are doing it. Nothing piques a woman's curiosity more than a locked box. Just ask Pandora.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In An Abusive Marriage, Something Has Got To Give

Dear Tazi:

Do you remember the old song “Don’t You Want Me Baby?” That is the story of how I met my husband, “Zack” who is in full-blown mid-life crisis mode. Zack has joined a gym, bought a sports car, and by the time this letter is printed will have had a facelift. My marriage was not the greatest before Zack went overboard on his self-improvement kick – we have been married for 15 years and the spark is long gone – but now it has become intolerable. I am waiting for him to get a mistress so I will have a reason to leave him (our prenuptial agreement has an adultery loophole that voids it, so I would get a lot more if he cheated).

I have always worked hard to remain fit and attractive, but at 38 I no longer have the body I did when I was 21 and a size 3. Zack is pressuring me to have a “body sculpt” done, which involves a liposuction, breast lift, and facial improvements. I have no desire for plastic surgery and I do not think I need it. I am actually happier with my looks now than when I was younger, having filled out in all of the right places.

Zack’s pressure to get a body sculpt is starting to get on my nerves. This morning he acted like he wanted to be intimate with me, and then pushed me away saying “who replaced my wife with this whale?” Tazi, I am a size 6! I am not sure how long I can continue to live with Zack’s snide comments. He is hardly Mr. America – before he joined the gym he had a 44 waist; he is now down to a 38 and looking good, but not so good that he can call me fat. The thought of leaving scares me – I haven’t worked since we got married – and I am not sure what I could do to support myself, short of going back to working as a cocktail waitress. If I leave, I get almost nothing thanks to the prenup I signed. What to do, Tazi?

Signed,
Kajagoogooed

Dear Kajagoogooed:

First off, it was Human League, not Kajagoogoo that sang the song you reference. Second, after fifteen years of marriage I would question the validity of your prenuptial agreement, especially if the marital assets have grown significantly over that time. Since your agreement so heavily favors your husband, I am led to believe that you did not have legal representation when this agreement was signed, which might sway a judge to invalidate it, especially if you can prove that it was signed under duress; your husband is mentally abusive, which leads me to wonder if this was the case.

Right now, you should contact a good marriage counselor as well as a good divorce lawyer; if Zack will not go with you to visit the first than you should go alone to visit the second. Working as a waitress in a cocktail bar may be a step-down from your current lifestyle, but regaining your sense of self-worth will be invaluable. Due to the length of your marriage, if you decide to divorce, a judge may order your husband to pay alimony and/or educational costs so you can train for a career and “find a much better job”. Although I hate to advocate divorce, I refuse to advise someone to stay in an abusive marriage.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adult Daughter Jumps To Conclusions About Young Step-Mother

Dear Tazi:

I am in my mid-twenties. I own my own home and have a wonderful relationship with my life partner. I am financially independent of my parents and live within my means so as to live debt free. I made these choices after seeing how screwed up money can make people! My family is not Paris Hilton wealthy, but I would be a liar if I said I did not grow up among the upper class, country club set. I am not ashamed of where I come from, it’s just as I said; money makes life a lot more complicated – which is why I am writing to you. Money is once again complicating my life.

Last year, my father married his gold-digging girlfriend “Daisy”. She is half his age, and only a few years older than me. Dad refused to see her for the person she is, even though she had no problem with revealing her true colors to my sister and me. I won’t get into the details, but the woman is evil. She is also pregnant, even though Dad was adamant about not having more children.

I discovered Daisy’s condition when I stopped by after work to see my father. Daisy was in the parlor with one of her friends commenting on how a baby will “cement the relationship, especially if it is a boy”. Daisy saw me there, smiled an evil grin, and told me that she was going to give my father what my mother could not! Tazi, I felt sick to my stomach. My father has always told my sister and me that he loves us and never regretted having daughters. Daisy and I got into it, and some unpleasant things were said; including how she planned on “taking care of things” to make sure she only gave my father boys. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but now I might.

It has been two months since that conversation with Daisy, and she has not yet told my father she is expecting. I feel as though she is betraying him by telling her friends before telling him, but obviously I do not believe it is my news to break to him. However, I have a bad feeling that she is planning on having an abortion if she is carrying a girl, which would explain why she is keeping her pregnancy from my Dad. Do you think I should tell my Dad what’s going on?

Signed,
Gatsby Girl

Dear Gatsby Girl:

I admire your maturity and your efforts to earn your own way in the world, rather than depend upon your family’s income to support a lavish lifestyle. I also admire your loyalty to your father, and can understand your bitterness towards Daisy, especially if she is as bad as you describe. Please remember, though, that your father chose to marry her and you need to learn to respect his choice even if you cannot bring yourself to accept her.

Regarding your conversation with Daisy: Are you certain that she is pregnant? Remember, you walked in on a private conversation and only heard one part of it – how a baby “will” cement her relationship with your father, but not that is already has. When the two of you “got into it”, did Daisy actually say she was expecting? There are medical means that allow a couple to choose the sex of their baby; could this be what Daisy meant when she said she would “take care of things” to ensure a boy? I realize that you do not think highly of Daisy, but to assume she would abort a child because it is female is quite a stretch, notwithstanding things like cost and recovery (both physical and emotional). None of this would be easy to hide.

My advice to you is to sit down with your father and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. If Daisy feels that her marriage needs cementing it could be that all is not as your father expected. As his daughter, I believe that your father would appreciate you taking an interest in his life – period – so I suggest you start by asking him to coffee just to catch up on each other’s lives. If all goes well, make it a weekly thing – father-daughter time does not have to stop just because you are both adults; spending time together can help to adjust the dynamic between the two of you to a more equal footing. Once communication between the two of you has been reestablished you, you can consider bringing up what you overheard Daisy saying, so long as you do not use an accusatory tone. In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, believe half of what you see and none of what you hear (especially if you heard it through the grapevine!)..

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Seeks Financial Gain By Living With Girlfriend

Dear Tazi:

I am a divorced Dad with custody of both my children; a boy aged six and a girl aged 8. Because they are different sexes each needs their own bedroom, and so do I, so I have to rent a three-bedroom apartment. The cost of a three-bedroom apartment is a lot more than a one or two bedroom place, and I am struggling to make ends meet and to provide my kids with everything they need and want, so I asked my girlfriend to move in with me. I figure that our relationship is ready for this next step, but she told me no.

When I asked her why she would not move in with me, “Stella” said it was because her half of the cost of a three-bedroom apartment, plus the utility bills for three additional people, would be more than twice what she is currently paying on her one-bedroom apartment. When I suggested that she continue to pay only what she is currently paying and I would pay the balance of our rent and utilities, Stella again turned me down stating that I would be the only one benefiting financially from such an arrangement.

Tazi, I do not believe that financial benefits should be the reason two people move in together. I think if the relationship is going to advance a couple needs to see how they would work as a family, and living together is a large part of that. When I explained this to Stella, she offered to pay $400 a month towards our expenses – exactly half of what she is currently paying for her own apartment and expenses. Tazi, my monthly expenses for me and my two kids tops $3000! Rent alone is $1600, which is why I think Stella should pay what she is currently paying - $800 – and I will handle the balance. I tried to explain this to Stella when she threw my kids’ entertainment practices in my face. Yes, the electric bill is very high because they love to play video games and go on the Internet – a lot – but they are kids; I say let them be kids! Stella also pointed out that my cable bill is more than twice of hers, but that is because I have several premium channels, that she would also be able to watch if she wanted, and a multi-room DVR that she could use, too.

Stella is not budging on this matter, and I am very hurt by it. If she moved in with me it would admittedly be a huge financial burden off of me and I would have her assistance with the kids, too (and with the cooking, cleaning, etc), but that is not why I want her to move in with me. Can you offer me any coaching in how to re-approach Stella – and get her to say yes?

Signed,
Tony

Dear Tony:

I assume that since you have custody of both of your children that you also claim them on your income tax return each year – and receive a sizable tax credit/refund for them. Did you offer to split this credit/refund with Stella? Or would you be keeping it all for yourself, even though Stella would be providing financial support for them by defraying your cost of raising them?

You say that you do not want Stella to move in for the financial benefits to you, but your attitude belies your words. Although you offer to allow Stella to keep her expenses the same, her responsibilities would be increasing (by your own admission) and she would be losing the privacy offered to her by having her own home. I understand that your expenses are much greater than hers, but they are your expenses.

With the exception of rent, the bills you mention could easily be pared down to a more appropriate size. Exactly how much electricity do your children use to entertain themselves? Young children should not be on the Internet unsupervised, and one hour per day of video gaming is sufficient on school nights; television should be watched only when all homework and chores are done. Should you choose to continue to subscribe to “several premium channels and a multi-room DVR” that is your choice – not Stella’s; if she wanted these channels she could easily subscribe.

I cannot coach you on what to say to Stella because I do not know what Stella wants. Maybe she would prefer to keep her own apartment; maybe she was hoping for an engagement ring instead of an offer to cohabitate; or maybe she feels as I do – that you are trying to take advantage for her for your own financial benefit. I suggest you come up with a fairer dynamic, one that does not have her taking on more financial and domestic responsibilities, and try presenting it to her. If this idea does not suit you, you will need to reexamine your intentions towards her – and hire a live-in Nanny/Maid.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner: Issue #2: Rules For A Successful And Loving Relationship

Hello Readers, and welcome to another edition of Tazi’s Corner – Life As Your Pet Sees it! Since I am a cat, I do my fair share of napping; but this is not all that I do with my spare time! I also spend as good deal of time pretending to nap so I can spy on the world of humans. Let me tell you, y’all tend to complicate matters, so with that in mind I am offering

Tazi’s Tips for a Successful, Loving, and Long-Term Relationship!

The “rules” start from a female perspective, and alternate with a man’s perspective. Enjoy!

She Says If you must check out another woman in front of us, do it discreetly – without moving your neck. Unless the woman is a total train wreck, like you see on PeopleOfWalMart.com; then you can gawk all you want. We won't feel the least bit threatened. Honestly, will probably be staring, too.

He Says Never, ever talk with a man you don't know in front of us. I don't care if that other person is a Catholic priest – don't do it! We see it as flirting. Flirt with your significant other.

She Says Don't steal my flannel pajama pants because your junk is cold. Those are the coziest things I own.

He Says Never wear flannel pajama pants around your man. This is why he steals them - to keep you from committing this heinous error.

She Says Never, ever try to diagnose PMS. And if you ever show up at my door with a 1 pound Hershey bar and say, "You sounded like you needed this" be prepared to be castrated!

He Says Don't ever leave a box of tampons in plain view. I don't care if it is your bathroom, hide them under the sink. This is something no man wants to see, for a variety of reasons.

She Says Call when you say you will. And if I call and you don't want to talk, don't disrespect me by pretending to be listening. Ask if you can call me back "later". I will understand.

He Says Understand that I am not going to call you exactly when I say I will – it looks desperate, and makes me look whipped in front of my friends. Know that I will be thinking of you just the same.

She Says Don’t compare me to your ex-girlfriend, even if I come out the winner. It makes me wonder what you will say about me if I am ever an “ex”.

He Says Never, ever trash an ex-boyfriend to another man. If he really is the low-life you claim, other men will already know that, and we will trash him for you.

She Says At least pretend to enjoy the chick-flick I have asked you to watch with me.

He Says If you don't like sports, do not claim to "love" them to try and impress us. Not all men love sports, but they do hate insincere women.

She Says If you DO love chick flicks, don't be afraid to admit it – it will be our little secret! Stuff like that makes me feel closer to you.

He Says Take at least a passing interest in the things that I like. Your supportive attitude makes a huge difference in whether or not I lie to you about where I am going and what I am doing.

She Says Be willing to try new things – who knows? You may find you enjoy live theatre and Broadway musicals.

He Says Don't try to match us drink for drink. Men can drink more than women, and sloppy drunk is not attractive.

She Says Love me enough to tie my hair back when I am getting sick. Respect me enough to clean the toilet when I am through.

He Says Eat your half of the pizza. You are beautiful, and don't need to diet.

She Says Remember that starch can make me feel fat and stop pushing the extra slice on me when I refuse it.

He Says I don't shave on weekends. Deal with it.

She Says My bra and panties will not match on the day before laundry day. Deal with that.

He Says Be up front with me about your feelings for me; but don't go overboard. Before you tell me you love me, start by saying, "I love it when you [fill in the blank]". If we aren't ready to hear the words yet, this will ease us into it – or give us the heads up that it is time to pull back a little.

She Says Don't assume that I will have sex with you at a prescribed point in our relationship. All relationships are different. Some never make it that far.

He Says Don't expect us to be mind readers. If we go too far, tell us…and if we aren't going far enough show us!

She Says Don't assume that what worked for your ex-girlfriend will work on us. And that goes for all areas, not just sex. Not all women groove to expensive jewelry; some of us like iMerchandise.

He Says Don't "drop hints" – we will not get them. Tell us what interests you.

She Says If you love me than always love me, even when I am ugly. Especially when I am ugly.

He Says Look at me like I am the only man in your world.

She Says Stand up for me when your Mom is being a [w]itch to me.

He Says As soon as I learn how to stand up to her myself.

She Says Offer to put me first when you have conflicting commitments. I will probably let you off the hook if you don’t do this too often; but we like to know we are #1. (We ARE #1, aren't we?).

He Says Don't gripe about Boys’ Night Out. By showing that you trust me, it makes me want to act in a trustworthy manner.

She Says The same rule goes for Girls’ Night Out.

He Says It's not that I don't trust you; it's that I don't trust other men to behave themselves around you. You are too beautiful.

She Says Don't flatter me to try and get your own way. Be sincere.

He Says Learn how to graciously accept a compliment!

She Says Know when I am sorry without making me say it every single time. That gets kind of humiliating. Let my actions speak for me.

He Says Accept that flowers are my way of saying "I know I messed up big time; can you ever forgive me?"

She Says If you don't know what you did to hurt me, don't make me explain it to you until AFTER I have cooled down.

He Says Tell me what I did. Please…and then forgive me for not knowing you better.

She Says Don't call me a nag

He Says Never nag. It is the most unattractive thing a woman can do…

She Says Take out the garbage when it needs to go out…not two days later.

He Says Never interrupt me while I am playing video games, watching sports, or hiding in my Man Cave to ask me to do house chores.

She Says Limit your time in your Man Cave and a lot of our problems will solve themselves

He Says Don’t freak on me if I forget to put the toilet seat down.

She Says Don't EVER tell me I don't keep the house as clean as your Mom does.

He Says Make an effort to get along with my Mom, even when she is rude to you.

She Says Don't be afraid of my Daddy.

He Says If our religious or political views differ, don't try to force your beliefs on me. Because I love you, I will make an effort to see your point of view.

She Says Respect and love me for who I am, not who you wish I was.

He Says Respect and love me for who I am, not for who you think I should be.

She Says Share your thoughts and feelings with me.

He Says Don’t ask me “What are you thinking?”

She Says Give me credit for my ideas and accomplishments, even if they outshine yours.

He Says If things aren't working, and we have tried our best, accept that I am breaking up with you. It may not be forever but in my mind, at that very point, it is. Let go. Stalking me will only help me get over you that much quicker.

She Says Know that if I break up with you, it is because you do not fulfill my needs. Post break-up is not the time to start trying.

He Says Never tell me I am lousy at something – even if I am. Teach me how to improve.

She Says Always be sensitive towards my emotions, and I will be gentle on your ego.

He Says Continue to tell me you think I am hot, even after I develop "love handles" or start to lose my hair.

She Says Take care of yourself physically. I don’t want to lose you to a heart attack.

He Says Baby me when I am sick, even if it is inconvenient for you.

She Says Accept that when illness strikes me, I will not be the Super Mom in the cough syrup commercial.

He Says Don't give me conflicting instructions.

She Says Always communicate with me. For women, most of our relationship problems start because we are feeling ignored, and we don't know how to let you know.

He Says Don't shut me out sexually. For men, most of our relationship problems start because we are feeling ignored, and we don't know how else to let you know.

She Says Understand that for a woman, having sex involves a lot of preparatory and a lot of clean-up after the fact; sort of like eating watermelon.


See, readers? Just as in real life, the woman gets the last word!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's Good To Be Single For A While

Dear Tazi:

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months and I am so angry I need to get it out of my system somehow! Thank you for listening. You are such a good kitty. Why am I angry? It's a long story.

I am almost 19 and a freshman in college. I am going to school a few hours away from home and have made a lot of new friends this year, mostly through my now ex-boyfriend. I thought we had a great thing going, until one of the women I met through "Aaron" asked me if everything was okay between us. I asked her what she had heard, because as far as I knew, things were going great - we were even talking about getting an apartment together next school year. My friend gave me a funny look, and dropped the subject - with me, at least. A few days later, a second friend approached me with the same question and was much more forthcoming with the details. Our first friend's brother had been cruising the personal ads when he saw my picture - and a profile describing me, saying I was looking for something "on the side"! Tazi, I did NOT post that ad!

Since our friends seemed to think the ad was real, I immediately spoke with Aaron to assure him that someone was obviously playing a cruel joke, possibly in an effort to break us up, when Aaron admitted that HE was the one who posted the ad! He said that he was "turned on" by the number of guys that wanted to get with me and that seeing all the responses made him feel like "the man". I was so disgusted by this I broke up with him on the spot. I feel used and violated...and alone. Most of my friends were Aaron's friends first, and I am afraid that they will choose him over me in the break-up.

Obviously, I am not going to get back with Aaron after this sick behavior - I can only imagine what he was thinking whenever he read the responses to "my" ad - but I don't want to be alone, either. Aaron gave me the email address and password to the account he created for me on the dating site because he hoped I would want to "share" the experience with him (that was when I broke up with him). Rather than take down the profile, do you think it would be okay to read through the responses and contact some of the men? I was thinking that they are interested in me, and why should they be hurt by Aaron's sick little joke? Plus, if a relationship with one of these guys were to happen, that would be the best revenge ever against Aaron!

Signed,
So Alone

Dear So Alone:

Have you ever heard the term "rebound romance"? That is when you go from one relationship straight into another, without allowing yourself time to recover. Such relationships rarely work out, and usually extend the period of broken-heartedness that the that rebound-er is feeling. The general advice I would give to anybody is to take a few months off from dating and concentrate on allowing yourself to heal.

Right now, you are angry with Aaron, and rightly so; but you are also mourning the loss of your romance, and possibly the loss of the friendships you made while you were dating Aaron. That is a lot of baggage to carry into a new relationship. I suggest that you give yourself time to unpack that baggage, and straighten out your affairs. Summer is coming, during which time you will presumably return home to old friends, family, and fun times. You have much to look forward to, and entangling yourself with someone new at this point in time will most likely complicate your life as you try to do the long-distance thing over the summer break.

To specifically address your question about contacting the men who answered "your" personal ad...what exactly did your ad - and the responses - say? You write that Aaron was "turned on" by all the men who want to "get with" you. If Aaron's ad was sexually explicit or even sexually leading - which it sounds like it was since you write that it said you were looking for something "on the side" - the men who responded are probably looking for a strictly physical relationship, which does not sound like what you are looking for but which may be the stuff of Aaron's fantasies. Why indulge either at your expense? Allowing these men to use you will only hurt you deeper.

I wish you luck in picking up the pieces, as well as good riddance to bad rubbish! It sounds like you can do a lot better than Aaron.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Things Aren't Always Written In The Stars

Dear Tazi:

For the last four months I have been seeing a man who is a big believer in astrology, which I am not. Before I met "Leo" I did not even know what my sign was, which is actually how we met. He used that lame pick-up line on me, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"; which I thought he was using ironically and was charmed by it. It turns out, he was using it seriously, and I am not certain what to think! Neither of us is a child, Tazi - we are both well into our thirties.

At first, I found Leo's comments on my personality and habits quirky. He would say I do certain things or react a certain way because of my astrological sign. This habit soon got annoying and has reached a point where I can barely tolerate it. In every other aspect, our relationship is great; but is has only been a few months. I am concerned that when we go through a rough patch he will start blaming our problems and problem behaviors on our astrological backgrounds, instead of actually working through our issues. This issue is the one thing that is holding me back from committing myself to Leo. When I try to discuss the matter with him, he digs deeper by saying it is in my sign's nature to worry about bridges we may never have to cross. I am on the fence about which way to go with Leo, and would like an outside opinion. What do you think, Tazi?

Sincerely,
Ready To "Sign" Out

Dear Ready To "Sign" Out:

Astrology is one of those things that some people look to for fun and others look to for guidance of their every move. Just the other day, my horoscope (I am a Cancer) told me that "loud noises can't hurt" me. I was shocked because I am quite skittish, and any loud noise sends me running for cover, including the sound if Mommie emptying the utensils from the dishwasher that morning! However, my horoscope has yet to tell me that a full-day nap is in order; so I tend not to follow the advice it gives me. I am still not completely convinced that loud noises won't hurt me, either...

If after four months of dating you are still uncertain about whether or not you wish to commit to Leo I would not hold out much hope for this relationship. The fact that Leo seems consumed by astrology and that you pay no mind to it puts the two of you at opposite extremes, so I can see why Leo's beliefs would get on your nerves as he tries to sell you on them. The same can occur when a couple does not share the same religious beliefs and/or fervor.

I would say to just ignore Leo's badgering if it were not for the fact that he used his astrological beliefs to brush off a valid concern of yours. This reaction is rather telling, and could very well be a sign of a different kind, with regard to Leo's personality. Expect him to continue to refer to his beliefs in astrology, regardless of the topic at hand; and get used to having your world turned upside down during Mercury-retrograde, which is something most Astrologers take very seriously as they believe it causes havoc in daily life.

Knowing that Leo's beliefs in astrology are unlikely to change and are most likely to control various aspects of your relationship, do you think you could learn to accept Leo's views as equally valid as your own? If that question made you burst into laughter, then you know the answer to your question. If, on the other hand, your first response was to give serious consideration to the question at hand, there is hope for a relationship between you and Leo if you are both willing to accept the beliefs of the other. Just as important as you understanding Leo's beliefs is his understanding and acceptance of your lack of belief in astrology. Once you have answers to these questions, you should feel more comfortable committing to Leo...or walking away from him. The choice is yours, regardless of what your horoscope advises.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Pool Can Make For Quite An Attraction; Can Sometime Attract Unwanted Guests

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I moved to our middle-class suburban neighborhood two years ago. We do not have children, although many of our friends do, and we like to entertain. Normally when we entertain, we do not have to explicitly comment that it is an adults-only event and that it would be inappropriate to bring children. It is not that we do not like children; it is just that we prefer the company of adults at our cocktail parties. Plus, my wife and I both feel that a cocktail party is not the proper venue for a child.

Spring is here, which means summer will soon be arriving; and with it our annual entertaining issue. As previously stated, we "normally" do not have to explicitly state our parties are adults-only; but in the summer-time, nothing is normal. My wife and I have an in-ground pool and enjoy swimming in it for both fitness and fun. We do not mind having the neighbors over with their children during the day, so long as they keep an eye on their charges; but evening is when we entertain, and as I have said cocktails and children do not belong in the same room. Unfortunately, there are a few couples on my street who feel that rules do not apply during the summer months.

These couples are always welcome in our home, so we do not wish to offend them by asking that they leave their kids at home; but my wife and I are not comfortable with having children near the pool when it is dark and their supervision have been imbibing. Most of the neighbors have made comments to these couples, suggesting that they leave their children at home, but the usual response is to comment on how much their children just love the pool, and how they don't have the heart to leave them at home. Short of closing the pool to all of our guests - thus eliminating the one thing of interest to these children - how should we handle this situation?

Signed,
Party-Planner

Dear Party Planner:

You seem to me to be the generous sort; opening your pool to those who wish to use it, with the stipulation that parents keep an eye on the children that they brought with them. Therefore, I am going to suggest that you be direct in approaching your neighbors who insist on bringing their children to your soirees. In a polite but firm manner, let them know that daiquiris and children are not a good mix; and that their children are welcome to use the pool during the day, with parental supervision, when alcohol is not being served.

I realize that being direct is a great way to offend some people; but I believe the presence of children is the greater offense to the rest of your guests, who appear to want to relax in a grown-up environment. You do not mention how these children behave when they are in your pool; but I am guessing they can be quite rambunctious, when all the adults want to do is relax and cool-off in calm waters. If the parents in question are offended, simply restate that no offense is meant and that you are simply looking out for the comfort and well-being of all of your guests. At this point, some of your other guests will probably come to your aide to assist in driving home the point.

Rare is the person who will bite the hand that feeds it. If these couples enjoy both your company and your hospitality, I doubt that asking them to leave their children at home during the adults-only time will offend them so much that they storm out, never to return.

If the direct approach is not a direction you are comfortable taking, expect these couples to return with children in tow. At that point, simply inform them that the children can sit in or around the pool as the adults do but, for the comfort and safety of all, rambunctious play will not be allowed. The children will probably be so bored out of their minds that they will beg their parents to take them home and leave them there.

Now, may I add one last suggestion about serving alcohol at an evening pool party? I would not advise it. Alcohol and swimming can lead to drowning and other serious but unintended consequences, especially when the lighting is too dim to see well. You may want to keep the pool open during daylight hours only - something that would also solve the problem of children attending your evening get-togethers.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.