The "Other Woman" Really Isn't, But She Still Needs To Go!

Dear Tazi:

I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend since I moved away from his hometown two years ago.  We have had frequent visits back and forth to see each other and we call or Skype daily, but these past several months something has felt “off” between us.  Every time I mention this to him, he tells me I shouldn't worry, that he is just stressed over things at work.

I decided to surprise him with an unexpected visit this past weekend, but I was the one who got the surprise – when I found out that he has another woman living with him!  It turns out he met her in a bar one night and she was too drunk to drive home and had no money for cab fare (she drank it all up).  Since she lived on the other side of town, “Alan” let her crash on his couch – and she’s been there ever since!

Alan insists that there is nothing going on between them, that “Sheila” was out getting drunk that night because her roommate had kicked her out of their apartment.  He says he felt bad for her and that she had nowhere to go so he couldn't send her out into the street.  He also told me that Sheila is the real reason he has been so stressed lately.  He is afraid that she thinks something is eventually going to develop between them, even though he has made it clear to both of us that I am the only woman he loves.

Tazi, should I trust Alan at his word?  He has always been honest with me in the past, but we have never had anything this huge come between us.  Also, should I tell this woman that she can no longer live on my boyfriend’s couch, since I doubt Alan will tell her himself?

Signed,

#1 Lady

Dear #1 Lady:

It appears that your boyfriend is in a heap of #2, if you catch my meaning!  I can imagine your shock and indignation at discovering this lie of omission camping out on your boyfriend’s couch, and believe that your anger is understandable; your boyfriend DID lie to you about the true reason for his stress, but I believe this was a lie born out of fear of how you would react to his soft-heartedness for a woman in need.  This, however, does not let him off the hook!

How is it that you have visited your boyfriend over the past several months and not noticed evidence of another woman in the house?  Does he spend the week before your visit eradicating all evidence of her presence and then send her out drinking (and in search of someone else’s couch) just prior to your arrival?  Or have visits to his place stopped since Sheila moved onto his couch?

I hate to put it so bluntly, but your boyfriend is being a wimp.  He has admitted that having another woman in his life is stressing him out to the point where it is affecting his relationship with you, the woman he loves, yet he refuses to take steps to resolve the situation.  You and Alan need to sit down and have a serious talk about this disturbing situation.

Personally, I suggest getting a cat.  That should solve your problem in no time!

As much as you would like to tell Sheila to get OUT of your boyfriend’s apartment and out of his life it is not your place to do this; it is Alan’s, and he must man up and take care of the situation.  I suggest he set a date by which time Sheila must leave his house, and tell her that the locks will be changed on that day.  If her things are still there they will be packed up and put into a storage area for pick-up.  Once Alan explains the reality of the situation to Sheila her bubble that they will one day be together should burst.  If Alan refuses to take steps to rid himself of this other woman you will have to decide from there if can live with this or without him.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Plus Sized Traveler Would Appreciate Some Consideration

Dear Tazi:

I am a very large woman, weighing in on the other side of 400 pounds. I do not have a glandular problem; I am heavy because I like to eat sweet and fattening foods and hate to exercise. I recognize the consequences of my choices, from paying extra to find clothes that fit me to the possibility of dying several years before my prescribed time. Truthfully, I would rather enjoy life on my terms and die younger than live miserably to a ripe old age. The one issue I have with my weight is flying in an airplane, which I do frequently because I enjoy travel.

Because I am large and airline seats are not, I readily accept the fact that I must purchase two seats on the place, in order to accommodate my girth. When I purchase my airline tickets I occasionally luck out and get a special on first-class tickets, so I am able to purchase two assigned seats that are adjacent to each other. Occasionally, I fly discount airlines that do not offer assigned seating but do offer too-good-to-pass-up pricing. On the day of such flights, I make an effort to board early so I am assured of getting two seats together. After all, two separate seats would defeat the purpose of my buying an extra ticket.

My problem is that I am not always able to board first on flights with unassigned seats, and I must ask the Flight Attendant to assist me in my search for a duel seat. The flight attendants are always quite accommodating; it is the other passengers who are not; more than once I have received dirty looks and told flat-out “no” when someone sitting next to an empty seat is asked if they will move to allow me to have two seats together. Often times the person will look at me in disgust and say something like “I paid for my seat, why should I give it up?” insinuating that I have not paid for the extra seat. On a few occasions, people have come right out and accused me of looking for more space without paying for it. Ironically, these are usually the people who have way too much carry-on luggage of another sort.

I am generally able to get a seat without the fuss turning into a whole media affair, but I am afraid that one of these days it will turn into the circus maximus. Can you recommend a way I might avoid this issue of seating altogether, short of always flying first class?

Signed,
Chubbsey

Dear Chubbsey:

That’s what my Mommie calls me, and why she put me on a diet, only I think she spells it with only one “b”; I will have to ask. You are so lucky to be human and not having anyone controlling your food source. I also appreciate your candor; it sounds like you have a healthy sense of self and understand the consequences of your decisions.

I appreciate that you understand your need to purchase two airline seats to “accommodate your girth”, and I am certain that those who sit next to you on those flights appreciate it, too. Nobody enjoys having their personal space invaded, especially by somebody they do not know. The people who give you a problem about changing seats are the ones with the attitude problem.

The next time you fly, try to speak to the Boarding Attendant before the plane is ready to board. Explain your situation as you have explained it to me. I will bet you dollars to doughnuts (mmmmm….doughnut!) that you will be allowed to board early, along with others who require special boarding accommodations.



So long as you do not mind boarding with the elderly, the infirm, and people with young children and large strollers, your issue should be solved. If you are still concerned about the blockheads who would give you dirty looks or attitude over taking two seats, conspicuously display both of your boarding passes for easy viewing. Only a complete ignoramus would dare to make a rude comment, and complete ignoramuses deserve the same respect I give my litter-box!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reasons For A Break Up Need Not Be Made Public

Dear Tazi:

I was planning on breaking up with my boyfriend and was on the way to his house to go through with it when I was in a terrible car accident. A large SUV went through a red light (the driver was drunk) and my compact car was demolished, along with both of my legs, my left hip, and several ribs. I also sustained a concussion from the impact of the crash. I am healing well from the accident, and doing my best not to be dependent upon anybody. I am lucky to have a wonderful support group made up of family and friends, as well as members of my church. With some intense physical therapy, I should be back to normal within six months.

My problem is my boyfriend – I never did have the chance to break up with him. It has been a month since the accident, and he has been saying things that have a cryptic sound, like “Don’t worry; I would never leave you over this, even if you insisted because you don’t want me to be tied to a cripple for the rest of my life”. Um, for one I am *not* a “cripple”; for two I find that word to be highly offensive; and for three I never expressed fear that he would leave me. In fact, it would make the whole break up a lot less messy.

My best friend, who knew about my break up plans, told me that the accident was a sign that we were meant to be together, but I am not so sure of that. During the three weeks I spent in the hospital, my boyfriend never came to visit me, saying he thought I would be too tired for visitors. I am getting the impression that my injuries are more of a burden to him than he would care to handle and his brave face is all just a façade. I still want to break up with him, but I am afraid that people will think it is because of the accident and fear that my prognosis for recovery is not good. I really do not wish to be the subject of gossip, nor do I wish people to think that my boyfriend is the kind of guy who would leave a woman over physical disability – even though it appears that he may actually be that kind of guy. Should I try to stick things out until I am recovered, and then end things with him, Tazi? Or should I just cut all ties now, as originally planned? I am not worried about him pressuring me for sex or other forms of physical intimacy, due to my injuries, but it is getting difficult to keep up with the emotional part of a relationship that I no longer want to continue.

Signed,
Not A Cripple

Dear Not A Cripple:

I can understand your desire to go through with your original plan. Your choice of signature speaks volumes, and I think that seeing this previously unseen side of your boyfriend has furthered your desire to “cut all ties” with him.

Since you fear what the gossips will say about a break up so soon after such an incredible physical trauma, you should not broadcast your plan to break up with your boyfriend. Rather, do it quickly and quietly to save face for all involved. Since he has not been at your side during your hospitalization his further absence will not seem out of place. If people question his absence, casually mention that the two of you are no longer a couple and that the timing could not be better, as you need to concentrate all of your efforts on your physical rehabilitation. If someone should be nosy enough to ask for details or comment on the timing of the break up, shut them down by offering the unexciting explanation “the break up was mutual; it was the accident that was poorly timed”.

I wish you all the best in your efforts to rehabilitate your physical self. Over the next few months, I am certain that the gossips you fear will notice your improvement, which should silence their acid tongues lest they look like fools for spreading ugly rumors.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's The Parents And Not The Bride That's A 'Zilla!

Dear Tazi:

I am getting married this summer – in the same church that my parents and grandparents did – and I am having a problem with my guest list. My parents have long been legally separated (since I was a very young child), but due to moral beliefs (and financial comforts) they have never divorced. My mother has enjoyed her freedom from being one-half of a couple, and has never expressed interest in meeting anyone new; my father, on the other hand, has had one girlfriend after another, each one younger than the last. He has been with his current girlfriend for two years now (a record). She is only eight years older than me.

Dad has told me how disappointed “Courtney” is that she was not asked to be in my wedding party, and he has told me that she “had better” be invited to the wedding or he will not be attending. Tazi, I never even considered asking Courtney to be in my wedding party, so I have no idea why she is so disappointed. I also have no plans on issuing Courtney a separate or inclusive invitation to my wedding, but was going to address my father’s invitation with “and Guest” out of courtesy to him. When I informed him of this plan, Dad did not take it too well, accusing me of offering Courtney an “unvitation”.

The truth is, Tazi, I would prefer that Courtney not be present at my wedding at all. My father is still married by law, if not in spirit, and this will be a church wedding. The presence of his girlfriend by his side would be wholly inappropriate! I do not mind so much if she comes to the reception, because that will be held in a banquet facility that is not affiliated with the church.

My grandmother, who is paying for my wedding, is scandalized that my father would even consider bringing Courtney to the church and is outraged over the ultimatum; however a church is a public building and I would have to right to ask her to leave if he did bring her, so long as she was not being disruptive. A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be one of the most special days of her life, and I feel like mine is an impending disaster!

Signed,
August Bride

Dear August Bride:

You are right that a church is a sacred place, and for a married man to sit with his legal wife on one side and his girlfriend on the other would be quite scandalous, as well as disrespectful. Could the Pastor of the church have a word with your father about the Church’s view on this matter? Maybe hearing from a man/woman of the cloth will be enough for your father to see that you are not the only one who finds this arrangement to be disrespectful.

In reading between the lines of your letter, I get the distinct impression that you are displeased with the way your father has lived his life since his separation from your mother. You do not mention your age, just that your parents have been separated since you were “a very young child”. I will assume that you are around the age of 25, which is the average age of a bride in America today, meaning your parents have been separated for about 20 years. You say that he has had “one girlfriend after another” during this time, the longest relationship being two years. Yikes! That is a lot of women to parade in and out of a child’s life. I can see why you do not feel a sense of closeness to Courtney. This is the issue that I think you need to address.

You are an adult now, and you need to start acting like one. Rather than have your father act as a go-between for you and Courtney, I suggest you contact her yourself. Invite her out to coffee (people are less likely to make a scene in a public place) and tell her what your father has told you: that she is disappointed that she was not asked to be a member of your wedding party. If she truly is disappointed, this topic could be a springboard into why she feels disappointed. Considering your closeness in age it is possible that she is seeking a sisterly relationship with you. Is this something you could accept?

Once the ice is broken between the two of you, calmly and rationally explain to Courtney the awkward situation you are in: that you have no problem with her coming to the reception, but that your parents are still technically married; that the church is a sacred place (for several reasons); that your grandmother – who is paying for the wedding – is practically apoplectic over the idea of Courtney attending the ceremony and sitting by your father’s side.

You could then suggest the following, if Courtney does not offer a solution of her own that is to your liking: She could (A) Skip the ceremony and attend the reception or (B) Offer to attend the ceremony but sit separate from your father, in the seats reserved for the guests (as opposed to in the front pew with the parents and grandparents of the bride and groom). If Courtney has any class at all, she will put aside her hurt feelings and accept her role as a martyr to good taste. In my opinion, her acceptance of this role will raise her stock in the eyes of all involved.

If Courtney refuses to accept any of the options offered to her and cannot come up with a reasonable option of her own, you will have done all that you can and should inform your father that his presence at your wedding will be missed. I have yet to find a man who would miss his daughter’s wedding over such a petty issue – especially when you will have had jumped through hoops to resolve it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Special Father's Day Letter

Dear Readers: In honor of Father's Day I am reposting this letter from last year. Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there!"

Snuggles,
Tazi

Dear Tazi:

I know that you usually publish blog reviews on Sundays, but this Sunday is Father’s Day, an oft overlooked holiday. I was hoping you would print my letter that day as a tribute to my wonderful Father-in-Law, who raised an equally wonderful son!

Signed,
Cheryl

Dear Cheryl:

I was very touched by your letter and am printing it below, unedited and in its entirety! A Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful Dads and Dads-in-Law out there!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Dear Dad:

I know you aren’t my father by birth, but you are my father through law and through love. When I first met your son, I was amazed by his politeness and charm. He was quiet and kind, not full of bravado like so many young men who are trying to impress a woman. As I fell in love with him, I could not wait to meet the man who raised him, knowing in my heart that he would be every bit as wonderful. I still remember the plane ride across the country to go and meet you – your son reassuring me the entire time about how much I was going to love his father, the man who raised him alone after his beloved wife passed away at a young age. I still remember feeling a little like Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents as you came to the door to greet us. Your gruff exterior belied the heart of gold that beat within your chest, as you hugged me hello; you told me to call you “Dad”, and welcomed me into your family.

I know I was not your first choice for a daughter-in-law – I could see that you thought me a little too much of a West coast woman for your East coast son – but you gave us your blessing to marry just the same. It has been many years since that day, and I cannot even begin to thank you for all that you have done for us – from flying to California to stay by our side after we were in a horrible car accident, helping us pack for our move to the East coast (after finally convincing us its where we belonged), surprising us with a down-payment on the house of our dreams that would have otherwise been out of reach, and teaching us all we need to know about household repairs. Your patient understanding as a caregiver, a mentor, a father, and a friend is more than any woman could ever dream of finding, especially a woman like me, who lost her father to divorce at a very young age. You have played so many roles in my life and I hope to have you with us for many years to come, as you pass on the lessons you have taught us to your first grandchild…who is due to make his appearance in December! Happy Father’s Day, Dad! You are FINALLY going to be a Grandpa!

Lots of Love,
C-Bee


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It's Tough To Be Twelve And Overweight, But Things Will Get Better!

Dear Tazi:

 I am 12 years old and fat. Not just overweight or chubby or “carrying some extra baby fat” like my Mom says; I am FAT! I am 4’11” and weigh 150 pounds. I want to go on a diet but my Mom won’t let me. She expects me to eat all of my lunch every day, plus an after school snack and a “healthy sized” dinner. If I don’t eat, she gets mad at me.  I know you are on a diet. Can you tell me how to lose weight and keep my Mom happy?

 Signed,
Joey Fat One

 Dear Joey Fat One:

 The original Joey Fat One lost weight through exercise when he appeared on Dancing with the Stars and is now better known by his real name, Joe Fatone. As for me, I am not on a diet by choice; the hand that feeds me – aka Mommie – has put me on this cruel regiment until I lose my extra chub chubs. Oh, the humanity! I am down 1.6 pounds, though; 3.3 to go!

 At 4’11” you are what health care providers would call “morbidly obese”, a nasty sounding term that means your future long-term health is in danger due to your weight. On the flip side of this coin, I can see your mother’s reluctance to put you on a diet. At your age, your body is preparing to go through a major growth spurt as you hit puberty; your mother is probably afraid that if you lose weight now the natural weight loss you would go through will slim you down too much. Moms tend to wear blinders when it comes to their children; they see only perfection!

I love you, too, Mommie!

The first thing your Mom needs to do is make an appointment for a complete physical with your pediatrician to rule out any glandular problems. If you do not have health coverage, your doctor may be willing to work with your Mom regarding payment – especially if you are a long-term patient. No doctor wishes to see a patient go without care due to an inability to pay, and many are willing to work out a payment plan or sliding fee based upon ability to pay.

The next thing you need to do is start to exercise. Nothing takes off unwanted pounds quicker than physical movement. If you can, go for a walk or a bike ride after school, or just play outdoors with your friends. If you cannot do any of these activities, try doing old-fashioned calisthenics – your gym teacher can show you some moves, so don’t be afraid to ask him or her for help. Like doctors, gym teachers are all about physical health and education; they are there to help you lead a healthier lifestyle.

The third thing you can do is review your menu. What kinds of food are you eating? Is your Mom providing you with healthy meals, complete with fresh fruits and vegetables and low amounts of sugar? Are your snacks nutritious or are they junk food? What you eat is just as important as how much you eat. This is something you can discuss with your doctor or your gym teacher; either one will be able to guide you onto the right track.

Last of all, you can be patient and wait. Permanent weight loss is a process that takes time, and when you are twelve years old time can seem to take forever, but a year from now you will have grown several inches and most likely slimmed down quite a bit if you choose to follow the tips I have given you. 

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: A Friday the 13th Lesson From A Black Cat

Dear Readers:

Another Happy Friday the 13th from a black cat! I promise not to bring you bad luck for crossing your path; instead, I bring you the history of this "unlucky" day! This is a re-post from April, so if you missed it - or simply want to enjoy it again - read on!

According to National Geographic, the idea of Friday the 13th being unlucky is believed to be rooted in Norse myth. A dinner party of 12 gods and goddesses was crashed by Loki the god of mischief and chaos, which is exactly what ensued with the death of a favored goddess to follow. Thus the idea that 13 is an unlucky number, and the superstition that "13 at dinner" is an omen that one of the diners will not live out the year.

Furthering the idea that 13 at dinner is bad for your health is the Christian belief that Christ dined with his 12 apostles (setting the table for 13) right before being betrayed by Judas. Coupled with the belief that Christ was crucified the very next day - a Friday - the two events combined create the concept of Friday the 13th being an unlucky day, as is the early Christian belief that Cain killed his brother Abel on Friday the 13th. However, the idea of 13 being an unlucky number actually pre-dates Christianity. The ancient Babylonian code of law, The Code of Hammurabi, actually skips over Code #13, presumably because it is an "unlucky" number. (Some say the ill-fated Apollo 13 space mission would have fared better with a different name).

In the Middle Ages, fears of witches - and their familiars, the black cat - were said to gather in groups of 12; should a 13th appear, it was assumed to be Satan himself.
The idea of Friday the 13th being an unlucky day did not receive wide-spread belief until the 20th century, thanks to the popular culture of the time. In 1907, a businessman and popular author of the time Thomas Lawson wrote a book called Friday the 13th, the plot of which detailed how an unethical businessman tried to crash the stock market. In 1916, the book was turned into a silent film, furthering the idea that Friday the 13th was an evil, unlucky day; and in a case of life achieving a poor imitation of art, many Wall Street traders of the time blamed the 1925 stock market crash on the fact that three Friday the 13th's occurred in that calendar year (see for yourself by clicking on the link). Nonsensical or not, the damage to Friday the 13th was done: according to Time magazine, Friday the 13th holds a record for being the least active day on the stock market and it is estimated that $700 - $800 million dollars are lost every Friday the 13th because people refuse to conduct business or travel on that day. And then, there came Jason Voorhees and his Friday the 13th horror-film franchise...it's enough to give anyone triskaidekaphobia (that's a fancy word for a fear of the number 13)!

Courtesy of Time magazine, here are a few Friday the 13th superstitions for you to enjoy - or to beware of...

• If you cut your hair on Friday the 13th, someone in your family will die.
(I'm a short-haired cat, I don't need to worry about this one!)

• A child born on Friday the 13th will be unlucky for life.
(My Mommie has three cousins born on Friday the 13th, and they all seem to be doing quite well...)

• If a funeral procession passes you on Friday the 13th, you will be the next to die.
(Note to self: Avoid mousing in any cemeteries today).

Read more at TimeMagazine.com.

Snuggles,
Tazi the Advice-Giving Black Cat


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

What Do You Call YOUR Significant Other?

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a woman I will call “Martha” for eight years now.  We only recently moved in together because we both had children at home and neither of us wanted to upend their lives with a relocation (I own my own home, Martha does not) and the adjustment of blending our families.  This year my youngest graduated college and Martha’s youngest is set to graduate this spring so we decided the time had come to move our relationship to the next level by combining our households.

For the past several years I have referred to Martha as my “lady friend”, considering that the term “girlfriend” sounds more appropriate for teenagers than a couple in their mid-fifties.  Martha did not seem to have a problem with this term of endearment and introduction until after we moved in together.  Now she tells me that the term “lady friend” sounds “diminutive and patronizing”, as if she is someone I am merely seeing and not completely committed to. 

I was quite surprised to hear Martha’s sudden change of heart about being referred to my lady friend, and insulted that she would think I am not 100% committed to her or that I do not consider her an equal partner in our relationship.  I have noticed that you refer to the female feline you woo as your “lady friend”, and I was hoping you could give me your opinion on this term – and your reasoning for using it.  Is it because you like to keep things casual?  Or does the term “lady friend” have special and respectful meaning to you and your special friend?

Signed,

Big Earl

Dear Big Earl:

I have not been wooing my current lady friend; on the contrary, she has been wooing me.  Do you have any ideas on how to discourage an overly aggressive female?  There is a new lady cat in my neighborhood, and she is the one I seek to woo, and I am a one-woman kind of cat!

To answer your question about my use of the term “lady friend”, I use it for several reasons.  I believe it to be a more respectful term than “girlfriend”, which implies that the woman is no more than a child, and it sends out a message of respect – this female is a lady, not a tramp.  I also believe that the term “lady friend” has an innocent charm to it that recalls a time when proper manners were publicly displayed by courting couples.

I do not understand your lady friend’s sudden objection to the term.  Perhaps she is seeking to be more than just your lady friend?  Is it possible that she is seeking a change of status to “wife”?  This could be her passive-aggressive way of telling you that she does not see living together as a tertiary step in your relationship. 

I do not suggest making a big deal out of this issue; moving in together will bring big enough issues as it is as you adjust to sharing what was once “your” space and making it “our” space.  Rather, the next time the issue of what to call Martha arises, ask her directly how she would prefer to be introduced; some popular choices include partner, life partner, sweetheart, friend, or the dreaded “old lady”.  Please reserve the term “special friend” for Nancy Drew and Ned Nickerson.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It Is OK To Take Time To Grieve Before Sharing Inherited Blessings

Dear Tazi:

Many years ago, when I was just a teenager, I befriended an elderly lady who went to my church. I had originally offered to assist her with her housecleaning as a part of my Confirmation service to others requirement when I discovered that I enjoyed her company – she was like a surrogate grandmother to me, and I continued to assist her long after my service project was complete. Even after I was grown and moved away to college and then a career that took me out of state, “Miss Mildred” and I continued to stay in touch through phone calls and hand-written letters. Miss Mildred had never married, and had no children. She was the last of her surviving siblings, though she had many friends she considered family, including myself; whom she called “Daisy”, after her favorite flower.

I had always thought that Miss Mildred was of limited means, and that she made ends meet by living off of a small pension and her social security. What I mean to say is; I never had designs on her estate. Miss Mildred passed away this past winter at the age of 102, and upon the reading of her will I discovered that she was actually quite wealthy; the owner of several properties, including a grand beach house that had belonged to her late parents, which she willed to me. Upon exploring the beach house I found many small touches that told me how fond Miss Mildred was of me – some pressed flowers from a birthday bouquet I had once sent her; a picture of the two of us at my high school graduation; and many of the letters I had sent her over the years. It was quite obvious to me that this house was special to Miss Mildred, and I want to preserve her memory within it because she was so special and great an influence on me. I became a school teacher because she was one, too!

As a school teacher, I have summers off from working, which will allow me to return “home” and enjoy Miss Mildred’s beach house (I still have trouble thinking of it as my own). The problem is, several of my family members have the same idea and have already told me how much they look forward to staying with me while they vacation at the beach.

Tazi, I do not know how I will feel about this in time, but right now I am not ready to open the doors to people looking for a free place to “crash”. Not only am I still grieving the loss of my dear friend, but I am still in the process of cataloging the inventory of the house; which includes many valuable antiques and at least one large, hidden stash of cash that I found under a loose floorboard I was repairing. I do not want people coming in and treating the place like a hotel. My problem is, every time I look at the walls I see pictures of a younger Miss Mildred and her family enjoying each other’s company on the beach and at the house. I feel that by telling my family “no” to their plans to visit I would be betraying the spirit in which Miss Mildred bequeathed her house to me.

I know I have been blessed, Tazi; is it wrong of me not to share those blessings so soon after receiving them?

Signed,
Miss Mildred’s Daisy

Dear Miss Mildred’s Daisy:

Your letter tugged at my heartstrings and brought a droop of sympathy to my whiskers. You have my deepest and most heartfelt sympathies on your loss. We cats know the intrinsic value of little old ladies who often adopt us for company and in return give us laps for napping! Your Miss Mildred sounds like she was a wonderful woman, and you were a dream to bring happiness and youthful companionship to her.

Your grief is understandable, and I am certain that it is accompanied by more than a small dose of shock at discovering that your friend was of greater means than you realized. To paraphrase the Beatitudes, blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom-sized sandbox! [Ed. Note: To a cat, the beach is one big litter-box]. Your humility towards others has brought you great rewards, and it will be up to you to decide how – and when – you wish to share them with others.

The fact that your family has pretty much announced their plan to stay at your beach house before they have even been invited is in very poor taste. I believe that your Miss Mildred, with her old-fashioned handwritten letters, would excuse you for not having them as guests this summer – or any summer hence until they receive proper invitation, issued by you, into your home. If and when that day comes will be up to you; but right now I suggest that you take the summer to finish your unfinished business.

If and when you decide to start issuing invitations to stay with you, make sure that the terms and conditions of the invitation are clear: that your beach house is a private home, not a bed and breakfast, and that you are not housekeeping or room service. Remind your guests before they arrive that this is your vacation, too, and that you would enjoy their company all the more if you are allowed to enjoy your time off from work. Keep a stiff spine, and don’t back down to any pressure or rude comments that will undoubtedly be hurled towards you.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Church Wedding Is No Place To Clown Around

Dear Tazi:

Ever since I was a child, I have had a desperate fear of clowns. I do not usually talk about this phobia, since it rarely pops up as a cause for concern in my daily life. So, why am I writing to you about this issue? My sister, who is an honest-to-God circus performer is getting married to one of her co-workers who is - you guessed it - a clown.

My sister is aware of my phobia, and has blessedly kept it to herself. She is in the process of planning her wedding and would like me to be her Matron of Honor; unfortunately, her husband-to-be wants to get married in full makeup, complete with white-face groomsmen. Just the thought of having to look across the aisle at a row of clowns is enough to make me pass out from fear, so I cannot imagine how I will work up the courage to face them in person on my sister's wedding day.

Obviously, I want to be there for my sister, but if the wedding turns into a circus - literally - I am afraid I will have to bow-out of my duties and decline any invitation to the wedding itself. I do not wish to be cruel to my sister and future brother-in-law, but I also do not wish to cause a scene and steal the attention on their big day. Please do not suggest counseling, Tazi, I have tried and tried and it just does not work. My fear of clowns is deep-rooted, and I have made several attempts to overcome it.

My sister is trying to convince her future husband that they should take their wedding plans in a different direction; that a wedding should be an elegant and formal affair and that she plans on reciting her vows to him, not his alter-ego. So far, he will not budge on the matter and my sister does not know how to go about changing his mind - after all, the circus is a big part of who they are; and she is unable to explain her reluctance to go with this theme without outing me as a clownaphobe. My future brother-in-law is a huge practical joker, so my sister and I both fear how he might use this information to his advantage and my humiliation.

Tazi, do you have any suggestions on how to keep this train wreck from happening? It is to be a church wedding, if knowing this helps at all.

Signed,
Matron of Honor?

Dear Matron of Honor?

First, let me offer my best wishes to your sister! She sounds like an absolute peach to want to accommodate your coulrophobia - the correct term for the fear of clowns - and keep your confidence in the process. You sound like a wonderful sister, too, for wanting to give your sister the best of both worlds on her wedding day - an elegant affair from which you do not run screaming.

Your sister's argument that a wedding should be an elegant and formal affair is a sound one, and I am hoping that she will be able to convince her fiancé to accept a toned down plan for their big day. Her argument that she is marrying the man and not the man behind the mask is also excellent. I am not certain as to the laws in your state or place of worship, but there are many who will refuse to marry those who are hiding their true face. Therefore, the whole idea of clown makeup may be a non-issue after all.

You must remember that a wedding is about two people, so compromise on both sides may have to occur. The first suggestion that comes to mind is to have a clown-themed bachelor party, where your future brother-in-law and his groomsmen can clown around all they like while keeping the wedding ceremony a clown-free event. Your sister would do well to gently remind her fiancé that not everyone likes clowns. Although there are no hard and fast statistics to be found, according to Discovery Health approximately 9% of Americans suffer from phobias, including clowns. It would be a shame for you to miss your sister's wedding because of this phobia, but it would be a catastrophe for wedding guests to run screaming from the church when they catch sight of a gaggle of clowns on the alter. Your sister could present this situation to her fiancé as she puts her foot down for a clown-free wedding. As for the reception...

Many wedding receptions have slide-shows or PowerPoint presentations of the lives and courtship of the bride and groom. If your sister and future brother-in-law are planning such a show, you will have to understand and accept that it will probably feature pictures of clowns. Know this in advance, and plan accordingly, as you may need to excuse yourself during this part of the festivities.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. It is one thing to be a practical joker and another thing to be sadistic. Is your future brother-in-law truly the type to find humor in a person's phobias? If so, this is an entirely different issue. --T.K.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Spark Needs Rekindling For Loveless Marriage To Survive

Dear Tazi:

I have been married for almost twenty years now, and have four beautiful children ranging in age from 15 to 5. I love my family dearly, but I no longer love my husband, “Fred”. I do not wish to break up our family with a divorce, but I no longer wish to have a physically intimate relationship with Fred. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but all he did was get angry and tell me that I needed counseling. He also informed me that he would not settle for a sexless marriage. I gave him permission to have an affair, so long as he doesn’t bring it home, but he refused; he said he doesn’t want just any woman, he wants me. He also refuses to consider divorce, and is constantly guilt tripping me into performing my “wifely duties”. I feel so worthless after this happens.

I have been screened for depression and other mental illnesses, as well as gynecological causes for my lack of desire for Fred. Fred is a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want – but I no longer love him in a romantic way. I have spoken with a counselor on a few occasions, but we were unable to get very far. The counselor suggested I try to remember the love I felt for Fred when we first got married, but so much has changed since then – in our lives, and within ourselves.

At Fred’s request, I left my full-time job after our second child was born (80% of my income would have gone to child-care anyway) and have not worked professionally in over ten years, another reason I could not leave him. I have no support from my family, who has told me that vows taken before God are not to be broken, whatever the reason. I feel trapped and alone and I don’t know where else to turn! All of my friends seem so happy in their marriages, I feel like they would never understand what I am going through or how to offer help. When I am alone, I cuddle my cat Boots and cry in his fur, which gave me the idea of writing to you.

Signed,

Not Alone But Lonely

Dear Not Alone But Lonely:

You describe your husband as an absolute prince – up until the point he guilt trips you into having sex when you would rather not, which leaves you feeling “worthless” afterwards. Surely your distress is obvious to your husband, yet he continues to put his physical desires before your mental health. I am probably going to get clobbered by every guy on the planet for saying this, but your husband needs to learn to control his urges!

I have a message for your husband that I would like you to deliver: guilt-tripping a woman into having sex is not going to succeed in making her feel closer to you; rather, it will increase the repulsion she feels towards you. Each time he pulls you close to him physically he is pushing you further and further away emotionally. I believe that marital counseling could do a world of good for your marriage, and for the way the two of you communicate with each other.

Marital love does not die overnight; loss of affection is a process that builds, constructed through changes in life (such as the addition of children); stresses not dealt with (such as the loss of one income and/or loss of fulfillment from career); and as you alluded to, the changes that occur within people. If we do not work to remain familiar with each other, we assume too much and in time wake up next to a spouse that has become a stranger.

In order to get your marriage back on track, you are going to have to be willing to put in the effort to see your husband as you once did, and he is going to have to do his part to win your heart all over again. I suggest that you start by dating again – that is, dating each other. Start by planning a coffee date and sharing all those awkward details about yourself that you would share on a first date; things you and your husband may have forgotten about each other. In short, get to know each other again. You might be surprised to discover how fun this is! Once you move past the having coffee stage, try for an evening out – dinner and dancing is always a good way to rekindle romance. Do not go into these dates expecting the night to end in physical intimacy, but work towards that eventual goal – just like you did when you were dating.

Putting your marriage back together is going to be a process, so do not expect things to turn perfect overnight. Build upon the things you learn about each other. If your husband mentions his favorite food, try to incorporate it into a meal; if you should mention your favorite pastime, he could plan a date revolving around it. Each of you must show the other that they are actually listening when you speak to them! I cannot guarantee that you will fall back in love with your husband, but I do know that it is easier to fall in love with someone who is “a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want” than to try and find his replacement in another.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #50 - Would You Rather...?

Dear Readers:

This week I have been seeing “Would You Rather?” questions everywhere I turn! For those who are not familiar with this game, it is simple: you are given the choice of two uncomfortable and/or disgusting choices or in a rare case, two extremely enjoyable choices and you have to decide which you would rather do; you cannot respond “neither” or “both” – that would defeat the whole point of the game! You need to decide which you would consider the lesser of two evils or the greater of two pleasures.

I have decided to share with you today some of the questions, as well as my answers – just for fun! Feel free to join in and tell me what you would rather do – and why! (Thank you to Buzzfeed.com for providing these thought provoking questions).

Would you rather…

Live one 1,000 year life or 10-100 year lives?

I'm a cat, I already have nine lives so what's one more? I go with option B and the 10 one-hundred year lives. This way nobody gets smarmy and calls me Methuselah! 

Have hiccups for the rest of your life? Or feel like you need to sneeze and not be able to for the rest of your life?

Have you ever seen a cat when its about to sneeze? Our face scrunches up all cute and adorable, and I am all for looking cute and adorable. Hiccups usually result in large and glorious barfs, which is also tempting, but I am going to stick with cute and adorable; there aren't enough shoes in the world for all the barfs I would have if I chose hiccups so feeling sneezy it is!

Have the ability to read minds? (You will be illiterate.) Or have just have the ability to read?

Cats already have the ability to read minds, and I kind of like it this way. For example I know that you are thinking about sex. And if you weren't, you are now...that's why you are smiling!

Watch your parents have sex every day for a year? (I’m sorry) Or join in once to make it stop? (I’m sorry).

I am sorry that I made you think about sex just now, especially if this is the vision now planted in your brain! As a cat, I can sleep anytime and anywhere, so I would choose to watch and then fall asleep in the middle of it all. Please tell me you chose the same answer...

Eat chocolate-flavored poop? Or eat poop-flavored chocolate?

If I were a dog this would be so much easier to answer...then again, maybe not; dogs would eat either without an issue. I'm going for the chocolate - the real thing - because it has far less bacteria and other illness-inducing agents.

You're on a desert island with a beautiful woman or man. Would you rather...
They are top-half fish?
Or they are bottom-half fish? 

I have been neutered so I can't do anything special with my half-fish lady friend, so I am going to say bottom half fish. This way she has hands to provide me with belly rubs!
 

Fart popcorn? Or have your past and future web browsing history available to everyone?

Except for those visits to sites like Playcat and Catnip Times I am not ashamed of my browser history, so bring it on! Besides, popcorn constipates me; I cannot imagine trying to fart it out of my little bum!

Go to Hogwarts and still be a muggle? Or live in a world with Pokemon, but only be able to catch Magikarps?

I had to look this one up but have decided that I would rather be a plain and ordinary cat with no magical powers than a fisherman who can catch magical carp. Wait a sec...if I ate the magical carp would I gain magical powers? 

Have sex with a goat, and no one knows that you did it? Or NOT have sex with a goat, but everyone THINKS you did it?

I'm going to pass on the goat sex. I think my browser history (which I revealed earlier!) will show that I am not into that sort of thing. 

I'm too sexy for my spots, too sexy for my spots...

Live in a world where huge, friendly gummy bears walk around? Or live in a world where hover boards exist?

I'll take the hover boards. Not because I would want to ride one but because I am afraid that people will find huge, friendly gummy bears cuter than me and we can't have that!

Even at a week's worth of calories it is STILL adorable!

Live the rest of your life with Cheeto dust on your fingers? Or have taste buds in your butt?

How is this even a question? Was the person writing this watching scat-fetish porn? I would rather spend my life sporting orange paws (which would look sexy with my black fur) and have a tasty snack every time I licked my fingers than the alternative suggested here! Using my sandbox would be a nightmare!

Have a side soup? Or have a side salad?

Oh, man...if I say the soup are you going to tell me it's lentil bean? Because I can't stand lentils, but I don't like when the salad comes out and it's all reject lettuce because the good stuff is too expensive and the restaurant doesn't want to have to raise prices. Can you tell me what kind of dressing you have? And do you charge extra for blue cheese dressing? Because that's going to factor into my decision! Now if the soup is chicken, is it chicken noodle or chicken rice? If it's noodle do you use actual noodles or do you use that tiny little pasta and just call it chicken noodle? How big is the serving of soup? Is it the size of a coffee cup? Because that's just a tease and its not worth it and if that's the case I'll have the salad, but if it's a good sized bowl I'll have the soup. With crackers. On the side. Please. Meg Ryan's got nothing on me! 

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Uses Woman's Fear Of Public Toilets To Hide His Infidelity

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I have not seen addressed elsewhere, and I am embarrassed to ask my doctor about it: I am unable to defecate in a public bathroom.  I have no problem with peeing, but when it comes to farting or pooping I hold it in until I get home. 

This school year I moved away to college and my problem has caused some complications.  I only live a few hours from home, so I can return home on weekends, but a daily commute would be too much.  I thought I would have a private bathroom to share with only a few people, but my dormitory is old and has two ladies rooms per floor – which means I am sharing my bathroom with an entire floor!

I have managed to learn to “hold it in” until after everyone is asleep, but this is a college campus and people go to bed late – generally after midnight every night!  I wish I could hold it until the weekend, but I can’t.  My record is three days.

While showering today I noticed some strange bumps on the inside of my butt-crack.  They were about the size and consistency of a raisin.  I think I have anal warts!  My boyfriend insists he has been faithful to me since I went away to school and that I must have gotten them from the public toilet seat.  Could this have happened, Tazi?  I know there are all sorts of nasty germs lurking on public toilet seats, which is why I don’t like using them, but I always thought genital/anal warts were sexually transmitted.  Is my boyfriend right?  Or do you think he is lying to me?

Signed,

Itchy Down There

Dear Itchy Down There:

Your boyfriend could technically been telling the truth when he said he has been faithful since you went away to school; he could have cheated on you while you were still at home.  The fact that he blames your infection on something he knows you fear – public toilet seats – makes me believe that he is being less than honest with you.

Condyloma – the medical term for genital warts – is transmitted through skin to skin contact with an infected person.  Is it possible to contract it from a toilet seat?  Anything is possible, I suppose, but the chances of this happening are about the same as me turning green and growing a second tail.  

Now about that second tail…

Now is not the time to assign blame.  Now is the time for both you and your boyfriend to go to a doctor and get treated for this viral infection.  Left untreated anal warts can spread to the rectum and the colon, and possibly lead to anal, rectal, or colon cancer in later years.  Additionally, if you are unlucky enough to have contracted condyloma accuminatum the warts will spread and grow until your tushy looks like it has a cauliflower growing out of it!  (I have seen pictures of it in Mommie’s sexual health textbooks). 

Due to the graphic nature of such pictures, I have only linked to them here.

If these pictures are not enough to scare you into seeking medical treatment I do not know what else to tell you, except good luck in your future attempts to “pinch one off”!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  You should never be too embarrassed to tell your doctor anything!  S/he is the person you have trusted with your health; you must trust them with your behavior, too!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

This Little Bird Tweets Too Much

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who has been begging me for months to join Twitter, so I finally broke down and created an account just to shut her up. The cool thing is that I discovered I like it a lot more than I thought I would; the uncool thing is that my friend tweets at least a hundred times a day – I know because I counted!

“Jayne” will tweet about the most mundane things, like “Looked out the window and saw it was raining. Now I can’t go for a walk at lunch” or “Have to go to the bathroom. BRB.” These are things that nobody but Jayne actually cares to know, but she posts anyway. Literally everything Jayne does shows up on her Twitter feed, clogging the feeds of those who follow her. I tried unfollowing her, but she took it so personally it was like World War III so I added her back.

The worst part of Jayne’s behavior is that she almost never bothers to read things that other people post, and on the off chance she does she will only leave comments as they pertain to her. When I recently got a big promotion at work, I shared the happy news via Twitter. Instead of simply congratulating me like everyone else, Jayne ranted about how unfair life is; that she “deserves a big promotion" – just like in that old song 9 to 5!” Twitter limits each tweet to 140 characters, but Jayne gets around that by writing “(1/__)” at the end of one tweet and continues on in a second or even third tweet. When she in on a run, she can go seven or eight tweets just to complete a thought. She is really sucking the fun out of Twitter!

When I first accepted Jayne invitation to join Twitter, I thought it was because she wanted to keep up with my life and to banter back and forth with me. I now realize that she was just trying to increase her online audience and feed her own ego. I feel like I am being used, Tazi. I don’t want to quit Twitter, I just want to quit Jayne’s never-ending tweets. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Logging Off Of Jayne

Dear Logging Off Of Jayne:

Victims of Twitter addicts everywhere are nodding their heads in agreement, and are probably re-tweeting this column about the “Jayne” on their feed (at least I hope they are! I need the publicity!). Since unfollowing Jayne resulted in hurt feelings and discontent on her end, I would not suggest doing it again for the simple fact that it caused you enough discomfort to re-follow The Human Tweet Machine.

Here is a suggestion that will take some effort on your part – how much depends on how many people you follow and followers you have – but it could partially solve your Jayne issues: Set up a new Twitter account (using a different e-mail address) as your active account and leave your current account as your foil. It appears that Jayne is pretty self-absorbed and will not notice that you have created a second Twitter account where you connect with and follow those who interest you. This should solve the issue of Jayne hijacking your tweet feed; however, the issue of her self-centeredness remains.

If you are comfortable with Jayne just the way she is, you need go no further than creating a new Twitter account. If, on the other hand, you are uncomfortable with her constant need for an audience you will need to distance yourself from Jayne until you feel comfortable enough to stand up to her when she starts to steamroll on over you. Twice in your short letter you provide examples of how Jayne has bullied you – first into shining the spotlight on her; second by stealing the spotlight from you. This is something for you to think about going forward.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is This The Pot Calling Out The Kettle?

Dear Tazi:

I have a girlfriend that I love very much and who I would like to make my wife. There is just one thorn between us that we cannot seem to resolve. "Sheila" likes to smoke pot. She smokes it on a daily basis, several times a day. She claims that it relaxes her, and provides a host of medical benefits; however, these "medical benefits" have not been scientifically proven and I feel that she is actually harming her health. If she were to quit smoking pot I would drop to one knee in an instant.

The other side of this picture is that I like to drink beer. I do not drink hard liquor and, unlike pot, alcohol has scientifically proven medical benefits. I do not drink to excess - usually I will have no more than a six-pack a night - and I feel that the health benefits I derive from alcohol outweigh Sheila's objections that I may be harming my liver.

I have asked Sheila to stop smoking pot, and she has said she would - if I quit drinking. I believe that what she is asking is unreasonable, considering the fact that alcohol is not illegal and pot is. I think she only offered to quit smoking pot under these circumstances because she knew I would say no to giving up beer which, as I have mentioned, has proven medicinal effects.

What is your opinion, Tazi? Is Sheila being unreasonable or am I - as she claims - being a hypocrite?

Signed,
Beer Man

Dear Beer Man:

As much as I dislike marijuana and the many questionable studies done on it, I have to admit that it does have some redeeming qualities (it can work as a pain killer or to relieve anxiety; it cannot cure lung cancer). If Sheila is using marijuana in moderation and for a diagnosed medical condition such as anxiety or chronic pain and it offers her relief that she cannot get through legally acceptable medical means, than I condone the use of it. This, however, is a lot of "if's" and "and's".

As for your drinking habit - for that really is what it is - you should not try to excuse it with the reasoning that alcohol has medical benefits. Yes, it has been proven that a moderate intake of alcohol is beneficial; however, your intake is not considered "moderate" by any accepted scientific opinion! Two 12-ounce beers per day is considered the maximum amount of alcohol that should be imbibed before damage to one's liver and kidneys will start to occur. Your habit of "usually" not drinking "more than a six-pack a night" means you drink to excess on a regular basis, and any medicinal benefits you are receiving are overridden by the damage you are causing to your body.

Since you ask my opinion I will give it: I think you are being a hypocrite, and that you and Sheila both need to seek professional help - for your habits, and for your relationship. I would advise that neither of you consider marriage until you have learned to fight fair, and to respect each other. In other words, learn to see how you look through the eyes of the other, and move forward from there.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Do you even know for certain if Sheila would say yes to your marriage proposal? --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

May-December Romance In Limbo As Paths Divide

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is financially secure, sophisticated, charming, clean and sober, and fun. So what's the problem? Ours is not quite a May-December romance, but pretty close to it - I would call it May-late October. "David" is almost 25 years older than me; I am in my early thirties.

David and I have been dating four [sic] almost five years now, and I would like to settle down, get married, and have children before it is too late. David is divorced, has adult children from his marriage, and has no desire to father more children at this stage in life. Furthermore, every time I bring up the idea of marriage, David tells me that he is not ready to take that step; doubts he ever will be ready to take it again; and that I should not pin my hopes on such a future with him. I tried breaking up with him over this, but we were both miserable without each other so I came back to him. It was during our time apart that my dissatisfaction with this relationship really started to blossom.

David and I were broken up for about six months; during which time I dated other men who were closer to my age, and even a few years younger. Although they lacked David's worldly sophistication and bank account balance, it was nice to be with a man who could stay out until the city closed down for the night; who could have a few drinks without worrying that they would interfere with his Viagra; and who wasn't mistaken for my father every time we went somewhere where people didn't know us.

Now that David and I are back together, I find myself feeling restless; wishing that he was twenty years younger. Why can't I love him for who he is? I have thought about breaking up with him; but like you said in an earlier column, after Christmas comes Valentine's Day...and then my birthday, in March (and I will be darned if I miss out on a gift after spending another three months with him!)...then it's his birthday, in late April...then summer, and he owns a boat and has membership to a private beach club...then the next thing you know it's October and the holidays are approaching again! Am I shallow? I am not sure if it is my love of the material things David provides that keeps me by his side - or my love of him. What's your professional opinion, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Not A Gold-Digger?

Dear Not A Gold-Digger?

A few sessions with a mental health professional could help you delve deeper into what attracts you to David - be it his material wealth, his age, or just a natural attraction to the man that he is. If you grew up poor without a father-figure in your life, I could see why you would seek financial security and an older man. If you did not; well, again, a social worker or licensed counselor would be able to help you to see inside yourself. I sincerely suggest that you seek the services of one to help you figure out your heart and mind, for your sake and David's. It is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where love of the person takes a back-seat to a love of material things.

Something you said that caught my attention was that the two of you were "both miserable without each other"; yet in the next paragraph you mention that during your six months apart you dated other men, and from the sound of it had the time of your life. What was it that was making you so miserable? If it was the lack of "worldly sophistication and bank account balance" accorded these men, then I would say the answer to your question is YES; it is your love of material things that keeps you by David's side.

If marriage and children is what you truly seek in life, than I would suggest that you wean yourself off of David, because he has made it clear that this is not the life he seeks, nor is it the life he wishes to provide for you.

--Tazi-Kat

This Blended Family Needs A Little Less "Stirring"

Dear Tazi:

I am a member of a "blended" family. I live with my mother, my step-father, and my step-sister. I adore my step-dad, and he really seems to like me, too. My step-sister and I get along great, and I call her my sister when my Mom isn't listening. Mom is the one problem with the blending of my family. For some reason, she dislikes "Cassie" and treats her like garbage, which results in Cassie not respecting Mom. My step-dad travels a lot for work, so he is not always around to see things, and we do not want him to know that "his girls" are having difficulties while he is away (my Mom never treats Cassie poorly when he is around!).

Cassie has told me she thinks of me as a sister, but that she can't stand my Mom. She has stopped short of calling my Mom names in front of me, but I have heard her use some nasty words with our friends. It makes me angry to hear someone call my Mom those names, but at the same time I can't defend my Mom because Cassie is right about the way my Mom treats her.

I have approached my Mom privately and asked her why she treats Cassie like she does, but she denied treating her "any differently" than she treats me. When I caught Mom talking down to Cassie for no reason, I pointed out the behavior, but then Mom just got angry with me and told me to mind my own business. Tazi, how my Mom treats Cassie IS my business! She is not only my step-sister, she is my friend. We are the same age (both 14) and in the same classes at school. I can see how my Mom's treatment is affecting Cassie, and it is not good. I want to tell my step-dad, but I really don't want to take sides against my Mom. What can I do, Tazi?

Signed,
Stuck In The Middle

Dear Stuck In The Middle:

You are a wonderful sister for wanting to keep harmony in your home, and a wonderful daughter for wanting to stand by your Mom; but all of this discord is leaving your life less than harmonious! What to do, what to do?

When your Mom married your step-dad, the two of them agreed not only to marry each other, but to take on the responsibility of parenting each other's children. If your step-father is traveling frequently, your mother could feel like he has simply dumped Cassie on her while he takes off to pursue a jet-setting lifestyle. Even though travelling for work is hardly ever pleasurable, to the people stuck at home with the day-to-day responsibilities of running the house and raising children it can appear quite glamorous. If this is the case, your mother might be taking this stress out on Cassie because she cannot - or will not - take it our on her true target: her husband.

It could be that your mother truly is not aware of how she treats Cassie, or it could be that she is insecure in her new marriage and Cassie is a reminder that her husband was once partnered with another woman. Either way, the air needs to be cleared in order for everyone to move forward. If Cassie has not done so already, she really needs to talk to her father - and her mother, if she is in the picture - about your mother's treatment of her, and her father needs to step-up to make certain that "his girls" really are doing alright while he is away.

If neither of you are comfortable approaching your parents about this issue, you could try talking to a trusted teacher, guidance counselor, or spiritual adviser. You mention that your mother's treatment of Cassie is noticeable at school; her teachers have most likely noticed the change in her attitude and/or behavior, as well. If Cassie cannot do this for herself, please step-up and do it for her. It will not be a betrayal of your mother; rather, it could be the saving grace that both she and Cassie need.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Restaurant Owner Has A "Teacup" Of Trouble On His Hands

Dear Tazi:

I have spent years as an Executive Chef in a fine restaurant and am finally realizing my dream of opening my own restaurant. I grew up with very little, worked my way through college and up the ladder of success, and am still a little nervous when dealing with the "upper crust". I guess there is still a little of that poor kid from Brooklyn still inside me.

As a Chef, I always worked in the kitchen and heard the stories that the servers and the Maitre 'D would discuss - not so much of bad food (I can understand personal tastes, and am always ready to "fix" a dish to the guest's preference) - but of poorly behaved guests. One of the more difficult issues is women who bring their dogs into the restaurant with them. I do not mean service animals, but purse-sized "teacup" dogs that they try to smuggle in and then feed from the table. Even if the Department of Health did not outlaw this practice, I would not allow it in my establishment. In addition to being unsanitary, customers have allergies and even the best trained dog can mess if it can't hold it in any longer.

In the past, I was always in the kitchen and never had to be the one to deal with an outraged customer who insisted that her "Fluffums" (it was always a woman) is well-behaved and would "simply go crazy" waiting in the car. The more the dining room staff tried to be polite about the situation the worse it would get, until someone at the table would step in and side with the staff. Being an established restaurant, this place could easily handle the threats made about "never coming here again". Right, lady...see you next week at your regular time and table!

As a new restaurant, my establishment is going to need some time to build up a reputation for service - thankfully, my reputation as a Chef follows me, but I am nervous about how to handle the potential dog problem. A sign saying "No Dogs Allowed" seems so bourgeois and is not in the image I seek to present. I realize you are a "cat", but do you have any solutions regarding dogs?

Signed,
Chef

Dear Chef:

Congratulations on the opening of your new restaurant! This must be both an exciting and stressful time for you. I admire the fact that you are looking to steer clear of any problems before they occur - that is the behavior of a successful business owner!

I realize that there are people who insist that their precious pooches are practically human, but there are health codes to uphold. Therefore, I have two words for you: doggie nursery. If you have a small room near the entrance (like a sizable coat room) or a heated outbuilding, you could outfit it as an area for patrons to "check" their dogs before entering the dining area. I realize it sounds crazy, but is no crazier than those who would bring a dog into a restaurant with them.

A few decades ago ago, my Mommie ran the child-care at a small, family-owned fitness facility. The big gyms thought it was crazy to have child care, until they started losing their female clients to the smaller gym with the child-care. Now, many gyms and fitness centers offer child-care as a part of membership. Obviously, you would have to have size/weight limits on the dogs (say, 8 pounds and under) but you could provide sleeping crates, toys, and other amenities (including a staff member to oversee it all) that will keep a dog busy for a few hours while its owner eats dinner. If the problem is as rampant as you make it sound, a doggie nursery could be a selling point for your customers.

If this idea is something that does not work for you, have your staff give a gentle reminder that there are "No Pets Allowed" when patrons call to make a reservation. If they still show up with a pet in tow, you have given them fair warning; have the Maitre 'D explain that the dog is not allowed in the dining room. Should the dog remain unnoticed until the party is seated, you should not feel nervous about approaching them and asking them to remove their dog from the dining area. Would you allow someone who is improperly dressed to enter your restaurant? Would you allow someone to remove his pants because he ate too much, and they were feeling too tight? If it helps, picture such a scenario as you approach the table or use such an analogy to remind the dog owner that you are not picking on them; you are simply enforcing the rules of the establishment and the Board of Health.

I wish you bon appétit et bon chance! with your new restaurant!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Repost: Tazi's Corner #60 - 4 Complaints (And 1 Compliment) About "300 Sandwiches"

Dear Readers:

I have been reading a lot lately about the blog 300 Sandwiches, and I have to say I am disappointed. For starters, with a title like “300 Sandwiches” I thought the blog would be about Spartan cooking; alas and alack, it was not. It is about a woman’s quest to earn an engagement ring from her boyfriend (who, incidentally is a professional chef), who has basically told her that if she learned to cook he would marry her; that she was “300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring”. The comment was an offhand one, so I can forgive the sexism that sometimes infiltrates long-term relationships, but the author – a writer for the most glorious newspaper feature ever, Page Six of the New York Post, took the guy seriously and started her campaign for marriage because her biological clock was (cue the Marisa Tomei visuals) TICKING, TICKING, TICKING!

Now I like me a good sandwich (even if I am not as ballsy as my big brother, Koko Kat, who has been known to jump up on the dining table and latch on to the tail end of a turkey sub), so I will admit to salivating over some of the photos I saw on the 300 Sandwiches Pinterest board…yet I was still left with a bad taste in my mouth over the whole concept of it, starting with the pressure Stephanie Smith, the author, feels to make these amazing works of art. She is not the chef, her boyfriend is; yet he wants her to prepare his meals when he is too tired to cook (in complete disregard that she may be equally tired). I can understand that after a full day of cooking the last thing he may want to do is come home and cook some more, but Smith has also put in a full day at work – and sometimes has to go out again at night, yet must pull off the construction of an artisan sandwich in heels and a party dress like she is some kind of modern-day June Cleaver.

You mean you don't wear heels and pearls to do the dusting?

My personal belief is that everyone – regardless of sex or gender – should know how to passably cook, even if they do not enjoy cooking. The fact of the matter is that there will come a time when you will be forced to prepare your own meals, be it because it is after midnight and the pizza delivery guy has gone home for the night or because you have been widowed after decades upon decades of marriage and will now follow your spouse in death if you do not learn how to prepare a ptomaine-free steak. Even I, with my lack of opposable thumbs, have learned that a meal can be secured if only I have the patience to chew through the bag of cat cereal! (Incidentally, I learned this shortly after learning that the humans do not think that 2 AM is the ideal time to fill my bowl). For this reason, I am happy that Ms. Smith is finally learning to cook, even if she never learns to love it. Her motivation is what concerns me, though.

Diet, schmiet!

Decades ago the late, great Ann Landers printed a list of rules for a happy marriage that a reader sent to her; she reprinted it in the 1980’s so a more enlightened America could have a good laugh over rules like “greet your husband with a drink and his newspaper when he gets home from work” and “stay a size 10 forever” (for the record, Ann’s 12 Rules were much more egalitarian).  While these “Reader’s Rules” may have flown when a woman’s only job was to be a homemaker and to look great while doing it, nowadays women work outside the home as well, and should not be expected to meet the antiquated standards of previous generations – yet this is the exact standard that the idea behind the 300 Sandwiches plan promotes. If this dynamic works for Smith and her boyfriend, than I believe that is their business, but her choice to publicize it makes it the public’s business, giving us the right to mind it. I argue that he made a sexist comment, she bought it, and now she must own the debate that surrounds it, criticisms and all.

In every relationship there are things one partner would love to change about the other. It has often been said that a man marries a woman hoping she will not change and that a woman marries a man and hopes that he will, thus explaining the high divorce rate in America because you cannot force someone to change without resentment building between the two of you; change needs to be something you strive for because you want it, with no outside strings attached. In the case of Smith and her 300 Sandwiches, an engagement ring is the carrot dangling from this particular string. This brings me to my final concern: the example this highly publicized plan sets.

All relationships demand compromise in order to run smoothly, but these compromises should be made from without, not from within. You should not have to change who you are in order to be pleasing to your mate; your mate should love you for who are, not in spite of who you are. While the point behind 300 Sandwiches is that cooking is a show of love, it should not be a forced show of love, an obligation to be met in return for the highest form of commitment one partner can make to the other. If Smith’s boyfriend wants to marry her, his proposal should not be because she has jumped through some kind of hoop to meet some kind of obligation he has set. What if, after the 300^th sandwich is presented to him, he is just not ready to follow through with his end of the deal and he leaves her over the pressure to fulfill a very public arrangement? What if he says yes to marriage but no to children, her ideal goal? Will she have to make another 300 sandwiches and hope he changes his mind? What about after the kids are born and she can’t lose the baby weight? Will the next sensational blog be about a woman who was too heavy for her partner, who in turn offered to marry her/agreed not to divorce her if she lost weight? Such conditional caveats are not the basis for a healthy marriage, yet popularize the idea that men can all be bought for the right price. Is the way to a man’s heart through his stomach? Do all men think with their genitals? Quite frankly, I think more men should be speaking up about how insulting this “300 Sandwiches” arrangement actually is!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.