Tazi's Corner #38 - In Observance Of Easter

Dear Readers:

Today Christians around the world celebrate the Feast of Easter (with the exception of Orthodox Christians, who will celebrate it next week). Religion is a topic that can bring out controversy, with arguments both for and against. It is for these reasons that I have chosen the particular essay that I am reprinting today - because it debates not the belief in a deity, but argues the numbers who hold a belief in one man.

To my Jewish readers, I wish you a blessed Passover....to my Christian readers, a Happy Easter...to those of other beliefs or no beliefs at all, I wish you a joyous Sunday!

Snuggles,
Tazi

One Solitary Life

by  Dr. James Allen Francis

Here is a man who was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant woman. He grew up in another village. He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty. Then for three years He was an itinerant preacher.

He never owned a home. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never had a family. He never went to college. He never put His foot inside a big city. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place He was born. He never did one of the things that usually accompany greatness. He had no credentials but Himself...

While still a young man, the tide of popular opinion turned against him. His friends ran away. One of them denied Him. He was turned over to His enemies. He went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed upon a cross between two thieves. While He was dying His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had on earth – His coat. When He was dead, He was laid in a borrowed grave through the pity of a friend.

Nineteen long centuries have come and gone, and today He is a centerpiece of the human race and leader of the column of progress.

I am far within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, all the navies that were ever built; all the parliaments that ever sat and all the kings that ever reigned, put together, have not affected the life of man upon this earth as powerfully as has that one solitary life.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Milk Is Expensive; Should He Buy The Cow?

Dear Tazi:

Do you know the expression "Why buy the cow when milk is so cheap?" Well, milk is no longer cheap. In fact, the price of it is continuously climbing, with the price of local, organic milk topping $7.00 a gallon!

I live in a rural area, and would like to buy a cow in order to produce my own fresh, organic milk. The cost of the cow would be amortized over the years and, in the end, I believe the cost of owning and caring for a milking cow will be cheaper than continuing to buy milk. My wife says I am crazy, and refuses to even consider my plan. She likes you, Tazi, and always says your advice is spot-on, so I know she will listen to you if you agree with me about buying a cow. What do you say? Cats like milk!

Signed,
Milk Lover

Dear Milk Lover:

You are really talking about milk, right; and not a metaphor for something else? And for the record, a cat's love of milk is an old wives tale. Most cats lack both the ability to taste sweet foods and to digest lactose. If offered milk, most of us cats will drink it for the moisture and promptly get sick.

I just re-read your letter to make sure I wasn't missing anything - you really are considering buying a cow? - and have to ask if you have considered all the angles, including the facts that:

1) a cow has to be milked every day, 2 - 3 times a day, so long as she is producing.

2) a cow is a mammal, and like all mammals does not produce milk (without chemical encouragement) unless she is lactating - which requires her to have recently calved and be regularly pumped in order to keep producing, lest her milk start to dry-up.

3) a good producer can produce 8 - 10 gallons of milk per day; so unless you are Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar or you are planning on sharing your product with the neighbors, you are going to be drowning in milk.

It is possible to purchase a genetically hybridized cow that is smaller and therefore produces only 1 - 2 gallons of milk per day; but you imply a preference for organic milk, so I am not certain this would be the avenue for you to take. WikiHow offers detailed information on how to keep a milking cow, including important considerations on feeding, grazing, and medical care (did you factor veterinary bills into your amortization?).

If at the very least you are not willing to wake every morning at 5 AM to milk your cow - no days off, no holidays, no vacations, and no sleeping-in - and rush home after work every evening to milk her again (no drinks with friends or working overtime), then you should not be entertaining the idea of getting a dairy cow. This is in addition to all of the other responsibilities that come with owning a farm animal. Milk is suddenly looking a whole lot cheaper, huh?

If it is fresh, local, organic milk you seek for a reasonable price you could probably buy it directly from a local diary farmer. Many rural areas have local farms that sell their product to large, commercial dairy producers - a solution to your problem that is much cheaper than buying the cow.

Snuggles to you and your wife,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teamster Finds That Others See Him On The Wrong Side Of The Goal

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am a union worker and proud of it. Because of this, a lot of people - who don't even know me - bash me as selfish, and a part of the reason the economy is in such a slump. Union workers have had to share their part of the pain, too, with many of us accepting concessions that were once unheard of for a union worker! Plus, as union membership gets smaller and smaller, many former union jobs are being shipped overseas where cheap labor and questionable quality lead to cheap imports, further devaluing the American economy. Once upon a time, all manufactured goods were Made in USA and the economy was humming along. What can I say to get people to realize that unions are not the problem - and to get them off of my back? Sometimes, I think they are just jealous of the good life that I lead.

Signed,
Proud Teamster

Dear Proud Teamster:

Once upon a time all goods were manufactured in America because most of the countries where manufacturing occurs - nowadays, China - were insular countries that did not have foreign relations with the U.S. Government. This led to great job opportunities for Americans, who could afford the higher prices of union-made goods because they, too, had higher paying jobs. Additionally, CEO pay was less because CEO's were not expected to work around the clock, 365 days a year; basically selling themselves to the company in exchange for multi-million dollar contracts and stock options (which were also worth a lot less back in the 1950's because fewer people played the market).

Nowadays, Americans are angry about the economy and unions are an easy target to blame. In some cases - like the American automotive collapse a few years ago - union contracts were to blame (with rubber rooms, minimum starting wages of $20+/hour, etc); in others, it is simply greed on behalf of the corporation. Right now, many state governments are on the verge of receivership due to public employee union benefits, which outstrip those of the private sector but are paid for by private sector monies (i.e. taxes). Can you see why people see a big ol' bulls-eye on your back when you comment that you are a "union worker and proud of it" and that you think people are "jealous of the good life" that you lead?

If you want to get people off of your back, you are going to have to lead by example: Buy American everything, from your car to your underwear to the gasoline you put in your rig. Pay full price for everything by refusing to shop at places like Wal-Mart, Target, or Costco; and try to get your fellow union members to do the same. This will not be an easy task, but it will leave you with a clear conscience when people harp on you about how unions are running down the economy, and it will give you a fighting chance against those who seek to argue.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Real Life Is Not As Seen On TV

Dear Tazi:

I am a young adult with absolutely no skills. I did horrible in high school so college is out of the question and I have no job skills. I am not handy in any way, shape, or form and have never had a job. I live with my parents who have told me that I need to get a job or else they are going to cut me off financially. I like playing video games, but no place is hiring a video game tester (I looked); not even the local arcade. My father works for a newspaper and I was hoping he could get me a job as a movie or video game critic, but he just looked at me like I was crazy when I asked him that and told me that you needed to be a journalist to get a job like that.

I was watching some reruns of King of Queens when I heard the dog walker on the show mention how much money a dog walker can make in one week. The job seems pretty easy, and I like dogs, it just seems like a lot of walking but I suppose I could take a rest once I reached the dog park and let the dogs run free before taking them home again. Do you think this would be a good idea for a job? I want to hang up some flyers and get a few clients before I tell my parents, because I don’t want them to laugh at my idea. Do you think this is a good idea?

Signed,
Unemployed

Dear Unemployed:

I am happy to hear that you have found your motivation, but are you fully aware of all the responsibilities that go into being a professional dog walker? It is more than just dropping the animals off at the dog park for a run and then bringing them home again. There are issues of licensing and insurance – you cannot get one without the other – that will indemnify you if a dog under your care is injured or injures another, be it a human or another animal.

A professional dog walker must also work with scheduling of clients – you can only walk so many dogs at once and only certain dogs together. If two dogs do not get along they must be walked at different times. Additionally, there is the matter of bookkeeping and customer accounts. When you run your own business you are responsible for keeping track of and paying all of your expenses, from charging the correct customer for doggie treats to paying your own social security and Medicare taxes.

As easy as it sounds, being self-employed is often much more difficult than working for somebody else. I strongly suggest that you pick up the phone book and look for a social services agency that provides career counseling and job placement. If you think employers are going to knock on your door to offer you work based upon your video gaming skills, you are sadly mistaken – and your father is correct, in regard to the need for professional training or a degree in journalism to work as a product reviewer. Do not fall for those easy-money Internet schemes that promise otherwise; they will only cost you money that you do not have to spend.

I wish you the best of luck in finding a job and some sort of career interest, because it sounds like you are in dire need of it. Please write me back in a few months to let me know how things are turning out for you!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should A Parent Move In When Spouse Says No?

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law lost her husband (my husband's third step-father) last year and, due to poor financial decisions since, can no longer support the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. She is not about to end up in a homeless shelter - she has plenty of money - but she can no longer afford to take lengthy vacations, travel, or eat out in upscale restaurants a few times a week as she did before she was widowed.

"Agatha" has complained to my husband that she is "devastated" over the changes she is being forced to make and is "wallowing in depression" since the death of her fourth husband. She has asked my husband if she can move in with us to "save on expenses". Her house has a very small mortgage ($500 a month) expenses are taxes, food, utilities, etc. My husband is all for his mother moving in with us, but I have put my foot down and told him no. I do not think it is right for her to move in with us - free of all expenses, which is her request - so she can continue to live a life of luxury while we scrimp and save. My husband understands where I am coming from on this issue, and he says he agrees with my point of view, but ends every argument with "But this is my MOM!". He seems to have forgotten that I am his WIFE!

Agatha has always been the type to take over and demand that things be done her way or the highway - thus her three divorces from four marriages; all three of her husbands left her and I think the fourth died just to avoid the stress of a divorce at age 75. I know if she were to move in with us she would insist on being the woman of the house and try to usurp my position as mother to my children. I know because every time she comes over she criticizes everything I do, from how I clean to what I allow my children to eat.

Are my only choices to let Agatha move in and live with her, or let Agatha move in while I take my children and move out?

Signed,
Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Rock And A Hard Place:

You and your husband need to seek marital counseling - NOW! He says that he understands and agrees with your point of view, yet he chooses to ignore what is best for your marriage in order to please his self-centered mother. Yes, I understand that she is his mother but when he married you he vowed to forsake all others for you - that vow included Mom.

Your fear of losing your position as the woman of the house is also understandable. Your mother-in-law is used to being in control, so she may feel it her right to take over the lives of her son and grandchildren. If you are determined not to allow this to happen - even if it means going so far as to separate from your husband - you need to let him know this; preferably in the presence of a marriage counselor. If neither you nor your husband is willing to budge on this issue, might there be a solution in finding a home to accommodate all of you? A two-family house or a single-family home with an in-law apartment are both possibilities that would also buy you time while you looked for just the right place...in fact, it could take years to find exactly the right place (if you catch my meaning).

In the meantime, while you are buying time, Agatha needs to speak with a financial adviser; develop a budget; and learn to stick to it. The matter of her mortgage is important - regardless of how "small" it is; it is still a fixed expense that must be met every month. If she moved in with you, would Agatha be selling her house or renting it? Either way, it would provide an income for her to assist with the added expense of having her live with you. Do not allow her to move in expense free as long as she can afford to pay something towards her care. Once you lay down the rules and Agatha realizes that she will not be getting a free ride she may be more inclined to stay in her own space. Moving in with a daughter-in-law who doe snot want her there would be no picnic for Agatha, either.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child's Safety Must Come Before Hurt Feelings

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue with my ex-husband and I am not certain how to deal with it. I liked the response you gave to the Mom whose ex-husband wanted to turn their daughters into toddlers with tiaras; and I am hoping you can give me some good advice, too.

"Edgar" (my ex) has suffered from what he calls phantom illness and the rest of the world calls hypochondria. I know that sounds harsh and judgmental, but he has been medically diagnosed with hypochondria - a diagnosis he refuses to accept. Edgar has claimed everything from depression (which only affected his ability to work, not to party, hang out with friends playing video games, or do anything else he enjoyed) to fibromyalgia (which again did not affect his ability to do things he enjoyed, including weightlifting). Essentially, if it is an illnesses that cannot be medically proved or disproved through definitive tests, Edgar has claimed to have it. After five years of this, I finally divorced him.

I am currently engaged to be married this June, and my son could not be more happy with my choice! He keeps asking me when he can start calling "Kyle" his step-dad, and is very excited that he will be have a big brother in Kyle's older son (who adores my son, as well). Seeing this family dynamic start to form has made me very happy, but Edgar very upset.

My ex-mother-in-law called me yesterday to tell me that Edgar seems truly depressed, and is talking about "ending it all" since he feels that he is "no longer needed". I have little to no contact with Edgar, except as it relates to our son, so I am unable to tell if Edgar is serious or exaggerating. I have said little to Edgar about my upcoming wedding, but I know that it is all my son talks about to whoever will listen, so I am pretty sure that Edgar is aware of our child's excitement, which I believe is what has triggered Edgar's veiled threats of suicide.

I once read a news story about a man who set fire to his house, killing both himself and his two precious sons. The visitation was supervised by a social worker, but the man locked her out once the children were inside the house. This tragedy has me on high alert for what I would normally just regard as Edgar being Edgar. I am petrified that Edgar will follow through on his threat to "end it all" and take my son with him when he does. Because of this, I have decided it best to suspend Edgar's visitation rights with our son (I have sole custody) until I feel that Edgar is well enough to handle himself emotionally. I informed him of this yesterday, while on the phone with his mother (he lives with her, and she picked up the other line when I asked her to simply put Edgar on the phone).

My decision has upset more than a few people, most especially Edgar and his mother; who feel my decision is what will put Edgar over the edge, leading him to make good on his threat. His mother actually told me that if her son kills himself it will be "[my] hands that his blood is upon". Dramatic, huh? Their reaction truly cemented my decision, and I plan on standing firm upon it.

Now that you know the background of my story, I am hoping that you can advise me on how to tell my son that he will not be seeing his father for a while. I do not wish to lie to my child; but I feel the truth will be a little to much for him to handle (he is only 7-years-old). Can you give me some words to work with, Tazi? I am afraid that anything I say will involve speaking poorly of Edgar, and I am trying to take the high road.

Signed,
"Poe" Me

Dear "Poe" Me:

I like your choice of signature! I am assuming this is why you chose to call your ex-husband "Edgar" in your letter! Paws up for your creativity! Now, onto your problem...

Edgar has been diagnosed with a form of mental illness - hypochondria - that responds well to treatment for most people but is something he refuses. The fact that he refuses to believe the diagnosis, coupled with the fact that his proclaimed illnesses are all impossible to test for with any scientific certainty (lab tests, X-rays, etc), makes me wonder if Edgar is simply a scam-artist and his latest claim - suicidal tendencies - is an attempt to manipulate you emotionally. I am happy to see that you are not falling for it; however, any threat of suicide is something that must be taken seriously.

I, too, remember all too well the tragedy of those two boys from Utah; and I can see why this news story would make any parent a nervous wreck. Therefore, my advice to you is two-fold. I believe your first step should be to report Edgar's threats of suicide to a proper authority. Your attorney should be notified as to the reason you are withholding visitation, especially if it has been court-ordered. The courts may then order Edgar committed for a psychiatric evaluation. Once one has made a threat of suicide, the state can step in and force an evaluation. This may sound cruel and over-reactionary, but it really is the best and safest way to ensure Edgar's well-being and, by extension, your son's. Do not allow visitation to continue until Edgar has been properly evaluated and is receiving treatment. Your attorney can assist you with this matter.

Your second step is to explain to your son why he cannot see his father. Explain to him that his father is sick, and that is making him act cranky and in a way that is not very nice. Tell your son that his father needs to get treated to make sure he can be the best Dad he can possibly be; and in order to do that he needs to spend some time by himself to make sure he doesn't take his bad mood out on your son. This should be enough information for your son to process, without overwhelming him with the details. I wish you all the best with this delicate situation; and many blessings in your new marriage!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unless You Are In Providence, RI; Friendship Is A Two-Way Street

Dear Tazi:

I find myself in a rather delicate situation, and I am not quite certain how to address it. I have a friend who is a lot of fun to be around when times are good; but when things start to go downhill for "Chris" he turns into a selfish jerk who can't see past the end of his own nose. More often than not, times are bad or teetering on bad because Chris also has a horrible work ethic. He refuses to do what he needs to do to survive, preferring to do what he wants to do; even if it doesn't bring in enough money to pay his bills. This is where my problem gets complicated.

"Chris" considers himself to be a modern artist, which I guess is one way you could describe his work, because I don't consider that stuff to be real art. Chris' work is very simplistic - he will take a plate of half-eaten food and spray it with shellac; then declare it his latest work, calling it something like "Remains of an Appetite". His titles are always catchy, but his work...just isn't art. Unfortunately, Chris just doesn't see this and is constantly pressuring me - and the rest of our friends - to buy his "creations"; offering us a "friends and family" price, usually in the range of a few thousand dollars. When we refuse to buy his stuff he accuses us of being un-supportive of his artistic and economic endeavors, and then blames us for his financial woes. When we suggest that he look for a steady job with a regular paycheck, we get accused of not understanding him, on top of not being supportive (this is a regular complaint from him: that he - and his "art" - are misunderstood). He then offers us the chance to "make up for it" by loaning him money that he will repay in the form of favors - mowing the lawn or other house-chores that we don't pay others to do, that he never gets around to doing anyway, and that will not return the cash he "borrowed" to our bank accounts.

I realize this letter probably sounds fake by now, but trust me it is a real problem. I would like to tell Chris to take a hike the next time he harps on me to buy one of his sculptures or paintings or to outright give him money (in return, of course, for favors from him); but the last person who did that got trashed on every social media site you can think of, including here on Blogger.com. Chris wasn't just blowing off steam - he mentioned this person by name, which now appears in Google searches for her, which is making her search for a new and better job rather difficult. When she asked him to remove her name from his rants, he told her that she had made her bed, and now she could lay in it. He later apologized to her (after she threatened legal action against him), claiming that he was "depressed that day" because yet another gallery had rejected his portfolio for display. However, the damage to her reputation has been done. I would really like to avoid a similar fate, but am not sure how to disentangle myself from this delicate situation. Chris and I run in the same social circles, so I can't avoid him forever.

Signed,
Part-Time Actor, Full-Time Realtor

Dear Part-Time Actor...:

I take all letters seriously, and can generally tell when they are fake. Yours sounds sincere.

Some artists - like some actors - can be extremely sensitive about their work, taking to heart the slightest criticism of their craft. These people are also the type to be chronically unemployed in their field because they have inflated their own worth to a level far beyond what others see. Does this describe your friend Chris?

I can understand your desire not to be publicly flogged via the social networking sites that litter the Internet, but you cannot allow yourself to be coerced into maintaining a friendship where all of the benefits are headed in one direction. Friendship is not a one-way street (unless you are in Providence, RI; where Friendship Street actually is enforced for one-way traffic).

Welcome to Providence, RI!

The next time Chris asks you to purchase one of his creations, surprise him: tell him you would like to view his selection, and take a few days to consider where you might display it in your home - and then do it. If you still decide his work is hideous, you can honestly tell him that you considered his work; but that is just doesn't go with your decor. This may not get him off your back completely, but if nothing else it will buy you a few days of peace from his incessant requests. Should his requests continue, ask him if he has anything new since you last reviewed his stuff and if he thinks it would go with your decorating. In other words, humor him until he gets tired of making an effort to actually sell his work.

When you see Chris at social functions I suggest that you do not approach him, and do your best to be in deep, personal conversation with another should he choose to approach you. To interrupt would be rude, but if he does you will have an excuse to ignore him for a few days; until you "get over the slight". As childish as this sounds, you need to play his game in order to beat him at it.

The next time Chris asks to "borrow" money in return for favors worked, suggest to him that he do the work up-front, and that you will pay him an agreed upon price. If his work ethic is as awful as you claim, I doubt he will approach you again about one of these loans. Sooner or later (hopefully sooner!) Chris will stop seeing you as an easy target and will most likely distance himself from you, as there is nothing that you can do for him that would not involve a serious effort on his part. Either that, or he will work on changing his attitude...however, I would not bet my money on that horse.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #43 - Think FAST! It May Be A Stroke!

Dear Readers,

It has been al,most a year since my Mommie was afflicted with Bell's Palsy - a condition that mimics a stroke.  While she has completely recovered because she received immediate medical care, there are others out there who still do not know the signs of a stroke! As a PSA, I am repeating the column that ran that weekend. --T.K.

Gosh, my Mommie has given me a scare! Yesterday,  I was rubbing against her jaw like I always do to show affection when she pushed me away, saying her jawline hurt. The next morning over breakfast, that same jaw went slack as she was eating her cereal; she drooled all over her work uniform. Lucky for me (and her) my Mommie is trained in basic medical emergency care. She knew the early signs of stroke:

Face: Is one side of your face drooping to once side? Can you smile, or does one side of your mouth not move? Can you blink both eyes or does one not close or only close with great effort? Can you lift both eyebrows or does one stay put? Some have said that the symptoms feel like a sudden, very painful sinus infection on one side of the face.

Arms: Can you lift both arms above your head? Do you have unusual weakness in one hand as you try to make a fist or grip something?

Speech: Can you talk or do your words sound slurred or even nonsensical? Do your words catch in your mouth because one side of your tongue feels inoperable? Are you unable to purse your lips to mae a "p" or "
b" sound?

If your answer "yes" to ANY of the above than don't waste...

Time! The above symptoms are early symptoms of a stroke, and every minute lost is precious time lost. After about five minutes without oxygen, brain cells start to die. If you experience any of these symptoms, call 911 immediately! Do not wait for someone to drive you to the hospital - call rescue! The EMT's and paramedics will be able to start treatment en route to the hospital, and call the hospital so the Emergency Room personnel can prepare for your arrival. A friend or family member cannot accomplish this in their sedan or SUV.

My Mommie was very lucky. She did not have a stroke, but a virus that mimics the symptoms of stroke, resulting in Bell's palsy. The virus in question attacks the facial muscles on one side of the face, leaving those affected with facial paralysis. The paralysis is only temporary if you seek immediate medical treatment, so even if you are not convinced you are having a stroke the above symptoms do require immediate treatment to avoid permanent damage.

Do not be afraid or feel foolish calling for emergency assistance. Many an EMT has said that they would rather be called to duty for a false alarm than see a true emergency go ignored. Again, the word to remember is FAST:

Face

Arms

   Speech

Time

The life you save may be your own. For more information on the early signs of stroke, please visit the American Stroke Association. They even have a free app for your Apple or Android smart phone! 

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Grown Siblings Have Grown Apart, Should Mother Intervene?

Dear Tazi:

I have two sons. I will call them “Zip” and “Zap” because I do not want them to identify themselves if they read your column. They are only a year apart in school so they grew up very close until they reached their teenage years. It was at this point that Zap sought to create his own identity separate from his brother’s shadow. Because Zap is the younger of the two, Zip is the one that everyone got to know first, the one that always got to do things first. Zap became known as “Zip’s brother”, in spite of his efforts to establish himself as an independent person. To his great discredit, Zip basked in this limelight and never corrected people when they referred to Zap by this moniker.

Both of my sons are now attending state university, and thankfully they are in different programs which have allowed them to meet new and different people and run in different crowds. While Zip has just finished his second year and has been concentrating solely on his schoolwork, Zap blossomed during his freshman year. He has joined an intramural sports team and has successfully pledged a fraternity, in addition to making the Dean’s List. Zip, accustomed to being the brother that everyone knows, is feeling resentful of the attention Zap is receiving. Although both are in competitive academic programs, Zip has taken to saying that Zap is majoring in “basket weaving” while he is taking a more rigorous course of study. This is but one example of the barbs Zip has been throwing Zap’s way.

Zap has been patient with his brother. When I asked him if everything was okay between them, he told me that he understands how it feels to always come in second, so he is willing to let things go for now, but at the same time his patience is wearing thin. I am afraid that the death knell to their relationship is close at hand. Last week at a party, I witnessed Zip try to embarrass Zap in an attempt to make people laugh. Zap kept quiet, but I could see his jaw twitching; something that happens when Zap is angry beyond control.

I pulled Zip aside and had a word with him about his behavior, but he just responded with a negative tone, saying that somebody needs to but Zap in his place now that his popularity is soaring. Tazi, I love both of my sons so much and it pains me to see them hurting like this. I would like to tell Zip that he has had his day in the sun and that now it is time to let Zap have his, but I am afraid that Zip will think that I am taking sides against him. For what it’s worth, Zap is still the same humble boy he has always been; it is Zip whose ego is out of control. All I want is for my sons to get along like they did when they were children. Do you think that this is possible? Should I intervene? How much?

Signed,
Z-Mom

Dear Z-Mom:

Your sons are not children anymore, so it is time for them to start acting like adults. From what you write, it sounds like Zap has been taking the high road while Zip is wallowing in self-pity and resentment. The fact that he has put down his brother to entertain others, while building up his own ego, is pathetic. It is grossly out of line and shows a complete lack of maturity. It is as if Zip’s emotional development is arrested at the high school level. This is a problem that will start to affect other areas of his life, as well as hold him back in life, if he does not put a stop to it now. Family counseling may be helpful, but all involved must be on-board in order for it to work. Your sons are relatively young, but the issue of one-upmanship has been simmering for years so you cannot expect it to be solved overnight. I realize that, as their mother, you would like to mediate; but the fact of the matter is that they will need to resolve this issue on their own. Ignore any requests to take the side of one over the other, but offer correction as necessary and appropriate.

If you see or hear one of your sons doing or saying something that you know to be inappropriate or untruthful (such as the incident at the recent party or the “basket weaving” comment) you should continue to pull them aside and correct their behavior. Better you do this than one of their friends, who might not offer to respect privacy or feelings. Such embarrassment will only breed further contempt.

Your sons may legally be men, but emotionally they are still growing up. If you find that Zip’s behavior is getting more hostile towards his brother you may wish to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. If you find that Zap is getting to be egocentric or starts flaunting his accomplishments to his brother, you should sit him down, as well. Do not try to resolve their issues; just let them know that you find their behavior disappointing. The problem may resolve itself from there. Nobody wants to disappoint their Mama!

In the end, you must trust that you have done your best as a mother and let your sons work out their differences like men. Some brothers are destined never to be close, while others are as peas in a pod. In time, as Zip and Zap discover their own divergent paths, they may find that they miss each other’s company and reach out to each other. However, in order for that to happen, old hurts must not wound too deep. Remind them of this fact should the need present itself; otherwise, let them decide on their own how close they wish to remain.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Pet-Parents Break Up, Fido And Fluffy Want Visitation

Dear Tazi:

I broke up with my boyfriend the week between Christmas and New Year's. I know what you must be thinking (that I am a horrible person!) but the break-up was mutual, and a long time coming. The passion was gone, and "Jim" and I had drifted apart over the years. My problem has to do with my cat, "Pudgie".

Pudgie was very attached to Jim, and would greet him at the door every day when he returned home from work, just like a dog! (Sorry if that comparison offends your cat-like sensibilities, Tazi). Pudgie insisted on napping on top of Jim and would sleep by our bedroom door at night, to keep guard. If I paid too much attention to Jim, Pudgie would get territorial and shove me away while showering Jim with attention. Like I said, Pudgie was very attached to Jim.

Since I am the homeowner in the relationship, Jim moved out when we broke up; since Pudgie was my cat to begin with, there was no question of who he belonged to and who he would live with as Jim and I parted ways - or so I thought. Pudgie, it appears, has other ideas on his agenda. It appears that he misses Jim. Pudgie still sits and stares at the door every evening, around the time Jim would come home every night, and when Jim does not appear Pudgie meows like a crying child. I try to soothe him, but he won't have it. When I go to bed at night, Pudgie roams the house and cries (I tried locking him in another room, but he scratched to door something awful!). When I get up in the morning, Pudgie looks at me like his heart is broken, and meows for Jim. I can't go on like this! Seeing Pudgie so sad breaks my heart! He's not eating, and is even losing the pudginess that gave him his name (which I suppose is a good thing, but not really at the same time).

I truly have no desire to get back with Jim, so I am hesitant to call him and invite him over to visit with the cat; in fact, I am hesitant to tell him that the cat misses him because it sounds like a ridiculous attempt to get back with him! On the other hand, I can't leave Pudgie to suffer like this...what do you think would be the best approach to reuniting Pudgie and Jim, without making it sound like I am desperate to get back with him?

Signed,
Concerned Cat Owner

Dear Concerned Cat Owner:

Science has recently discovered something that people have known for a long time: animals can feel emotions and have emotional attachments. Creatures from elephants to orangutans have been seen expressing sorrow and grief over the loss of a tribe member, even when there has been no loss of protection or provisions due to the loss. This shows that the grief is not a matter of altruism, but of actual heartfelt sorrow. Pudgie is indeed mourning the loss of his preferred human companion (no offense to your human sensibilities!).

If you are sincere about not wanting to reunite with Jim, I suggest that you email him a copy of your letter to let him know just how much Pudgie misses him, and suggest some sort of visitation schedule (since I am certain that Jim misses Pudgie, too!). If Pudgie is an outdoor cat, would he take to a harness so Jim could have a play-date in the park with him? If Pudgie is an indoor cat, do you trust Jim to be alone with him in the house to cat-sit Pudgie while you run errands? If not, is Jim allowed to have a pet visit where he is currently living? Do you have a mutual friend who would not mind hosting Jim and Pudgie for an afternoon once or twice a week? Visitation with Jim could greatly improve Pudgie's emotional state and attitude.

When couples split, all the animals involved know is that someone they loved is no longer around; they do not understand what has happened, and can experience a sense of abandonment. For Pudgie's sake, I hope that Jim understands this and is willing to make time for visitation with Pudgie. Whether either of you want to accept it or not, Pudgie is his cat, too - at least in Pudgie's eyes he is! Jim, your cat needs you! Please make some time for him.

Snuggles to all,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

To Sell Or Not To Sell? That Is One Man's Question!

Dear Tazi:

I live in an area where the housing market is especially depressed. The good thing about this is that I do not have a mortgage; I own my own home. The bad thing is that my wife wants to sell and move to Florida. “Mildred” feels that since we do not owe a mortgage on the house, anything we get will be profit so we do not have to wait until the market improves to sell.

Tazi, Mildred is my second wife. We married after the house was paid for, partially with the monies of my late wife’s life insurance. I resent the idea that her death has allowed for a “profit” on the house and would tell Mildred directly if it were not for the fact that she is so sensitive about my first wife (that is another issue altogether).

I have informed Mildred that I do not wish to sell the house until the economy improves and offers a better return on investment. I have agreed to move to Florida (against my personal desires) and rent our current home but Mildred does not think this is a good idea. She would rather have a lump sum of cash than a monthly dividend. I am afraid if we sell this house for a lump sum the money will be gone all at once, too. Mildred loves to spend, a habit I was unaware of until after we were married.

Tazi, I love my wife and want to make her happy, but I cannot do that if it is going to mean great financial loss. I know what I would like to do…but am uncertain if it is the right choice, morally. What would you advise?

Signed,
Frugal Fred

Dear Frugal Fred:

When in doubt, take a moment to scratch behind the ears of a feline. The soft fur and the rhythmic purr will relax you; melt away your stress; and make for one very happy kitty! Oh, it will also clear your head so you can think straight. If you do not have a feline, I suggest you make a trip to your local animal shelter and adopt one. If this is not possible, ask a friend if you can borrow their cat. Let the meditative ear scratches commence!

Now that you are relaxed and your mind is clear, what is your inner voice telling you? Is it telling you to feed me some kitty treats? Oh, sorry…I pull this exercise on Mommie all the time. Is your inner voice telling you to follow your heart? Morally, you should at least consider your wife’s wishes, just as she should consider yours. Knowing how much she likes to spend money, would it be morally responsible of you to sell your house (for a lesser price) and watch her spend it all within a few years? Or would it be more prudent to rent your house and use the monthly proceeds to buy/rent a place in Florida?

One of the wonderful things about coupledom is that one partner tends to balance the other. If I were in your shoes, I would again offer the compromise that has already been made: rent your current house, rather than sell, and rent another place in Florida for yourself. You may discover that Florida is not what you want for year-round living (it gets hot and humid in the summer, not to mention the bugs, snakes, and other reptiles).

If I were you, I would explain to Mildred that the compromise on the table is the only move you are willing to make at this time. In the end, you can always change your mind about renting out your house; but should you regret selling there is no buying it back.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Controlling Fiancé Needs To Go, Not Childhood Memento

Dear Tazi:

I have a favorite stuffed animal that my father won for me at the fair, back when I was a little girl. It’s just a silly, little stuffed bear; but it means the world to me. Daddy won it for me just a few days before he died in a car accident, so “Benson” became a symbol of his love for me. Even though I have long outgrown the need to sleep with stuffies, Benson has a place of honor on my bed.

Benson has followed me wherever I have gone at night, from sleepovers at friends’ houses (they all know how much Benson means to me and why) to my college dormitory, where I discovered other people have their own special mementoes from childhood. Benson is as much a part of me as breathing, and I cannot imagine shoving him aside – he has even gone on business trips with me, sitting on the nightstand next to my bed.

My problem is that I am getting married in a few months, and my fiancé does not like Benson. He says that Benson played an important role in my life, acting as a surrogate in place of the man in my life (my father) but now that he is to be my husband he will be the protective man in my life. He wants me to leave Benson behind after we are married. I am not so sure that I can do that. Benson was never a “surrogate” for my father – no stuffed creature could replace a living human being; but he is an important physical reminder of my father’s love for me. Daddy threw baseballs at a stack of milk jugs until his arm just about fell off, all because he knew how much I wanted that bear! My fiancé can’t understand this, and has threatened to dispose of Benson should he find him anywhere in our marital home. I am not sure what to do; I do not want to put Benson in danger of being destroyed, but I do not want to leave him at my mother’s house, either. What do you suggest, Tazi? Is it time to dump Benson and move on with my life?

Signed,
Daddy’s Girl

Dear Daddy’s Girl:

No, it is not time to dump Benson and move on with your life (unless he is a real-life Ted); it is time to dump your fiancé and move on with your life. Any man who would be as callous and controlling to threaten to “dispose” of something that has such deep, personal meaning to you has major control issues. Yes, Benson was given to you by another man, but that man was your later father – not an ex-boyfriend!

If you cannot find it in your heart to call off your wedding, I strongly suggest postponing it until the two of you have had several pre-marital counseling sessions which include a clearing of the air on issues like Benson. I hate to be so blunt in matters of the heart, but I see nothing but trouble ahead if you marry this man. I wish I could be more encouraging, but I cannot. I also realize that you will probably not take my advise, unless you were writing because you were looking for someone to confirm the choice you have already made in your heart. I wish you all the best. Please write back and let me and my readers know where life takes you.

Snuggles to you and Benson,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Sexually Transmitted Infection Is Not Something You Want To Fool Around With!

Dear Tazi:

For the past few months, I have been having pain in my [scrotum]. I have no health insurance, in spite of the new healthcare law, so I put off going to the doctor until I couldn't take the pain anymore. That is when I found out I have gonorrhea. I am bisexual, but know that you don't get gonorrhea from entering in the back door, if you know what I am saying, which is why I am positive that it was my most recent ex-girlfriend that gave it to me.

I called "Joan" to ream her out for giving me the clap; she freaked out on me, denying that she gave it to me because she does not have it and flipped out on me for "exposing" her to an STD. My doctor had to report my case to the state Department of Health, so now my name is on a list somewhere of people who are infected. I don't think it is fair that my ex gets off for free and I am stuck with a large medical bill and a mark against my name.

Do you know if I can legally force Joan to show me her medical records, proving whether or not she gave me gonorrhea (and is therefore legally responsible for my medical bills, pain and suffering, and punitive damages) or if she has even been tested in the first place? She claimed that she went for her annual visit to the gynecologist a few weeks ago and that all of her tests - including the mandatory STD testing - all came back negative; but I think she is lying to me. We last slept together six months ago, so it could be that she just doesn't have symptoms yet.

Signed,
Hurting Down Below

Dear Hurting Down Below:

I would like to correct you of a few misconceptions you seem to be living with: first, it is entirely possible to catch gonorrhea through anal intercourse, so there is a good chance that you caught your STD from your male lover(s). Second, when you choose to partake in sexual intercourse you choose to take on the risks that accompany your decision - including the possibility of catching an STI - sexually transmitted infection, which is the proper term. Therefore, you probably do not have the right to sue her for pain and suffering and punitive damages; however, you may want to check the laws in your state.

Whereas a few states have laws that require you to inform a sexual partner that you have an STI, many people do not know that they have one until they start experiencing symptoms. For women, symptoms generally appear within a week; for men it can take as long as a month for symptoms to appear, if symptoms appear at all. Considering that you and Joan had not had intercourse with each other for several months prior to your diagnosis, and that Joan's annual medical workup came back clean I feel comfortable believing her side of the story - that she does not have gonorrhea.

As for forcing Joan to reveal her medical records, you have no legal right to do this. If Joan had been treated for gonorrhea her case would have had to be reported to the state Department of Health as well - not to put a mark against her name, but to work backwards through her sexual history so all of her previous partners could be contacted and tested. There is a good chance that Joan's recent visit to the gynecologist was prompted by a call from the Department of Health, or it could just be a coincidence that her annual exam was scheduled for this time. Regardless, the Department of Health would have contacted her about getting tested, just as they would have contacted you if Joan had been the one to test positive for gonorrhea.

I think you should chalk this incident up to experience, and learn a valuable lesson in the process: always wear protection when you are engaging in intercourse with someone of an unknown sexual history. For more information on gonorrhea, its symptoms, visit the U.S. National Library of Medicine.

Safe Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Most states and large metropolitan areas have health clinics that will treat gonorrhea - and other STI's - for free.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adulthood Means Making your Own Decisions, Standing By Them

Dear Tazi:

I am 25 years old and have moved out into my own apartment after finishing my Masters degree in Finance this past spring.  I have a great job, a great apartment, and great friends, but life is not all that great.  While I lived at home, my parents took care of everything for me.  I never had to worry about cooking dinner - it always just appeared on the table.  Cleaning was done by the maid and I paid a laundry service to take care of my dirty clothes and bed linens.  The cat was always fed if I did not have time to feed him, and all I had to do was concentrate on school.

Now that I am living on my own, I am discovering that life is a lot harder than I realized!  If I forget to take something out of the freezer for dinner, I still have to make dinner or pay to eat out; either that or make a sandwich or grab a bowl of soup.  I never realized how much energy it took to keep a household running - grocery shopping, bill paying, and the like all must be done on a regular schedule.  I always knew this needed to be done - I do have a graduate degree in Finance - but I also thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.

My problem is with my friends.  None of them have really grown up yet.  None of them are married and they all either still live at home or in bare-bones apartments with each other, where they can't afford furniture but have a sweet 80" flat-screen HDTV.  Because my apartment is the nicest and most well-maintained, they all want to hang out at my place.  Having my friends over once in a while during the week or on weekends is nice, but Tazi I have both work and the responsibilities mentioned above to manage!  I would like to explain this to them, but every time I try I break down and join them in having fun; after seven years of college (undergraduate and graduate school) I think I deserve a little fun.

Unfortunately, the "fun" has been interfering with my sleep schedule, and it has been showing at work.  My supervisor is a really nice man, and he asked me if I was having problems in my personal life to cause the kind of stress I am exhibiting...I lied and told him that my mother has been sick and that I have been spending my nights at home assisting her.  Tazi, I felt like such a jerk lying to my boss but I didn't know what to say!  I was afraid I would lose my job if I told the truth!

I realize what I have to do to get my life back on track: Tell  my friends that the party is over, start getting enough sleep at night so I can do my job properly in the morning, and end the lie about my Mom being sick. I am planning for her to make a quick recovery, so I can leave the lie in my past, but how can I get my friends to straighten out and see that I am serious about being a professional?

Signed,
Financier

Dear Financier:

I would say that Step 1 should be to call your Mom and apologize for dragging her name into your lie.  Your desire to cover your butt is how rumors get started; squash them immediately and resolve to never lie again!

Step 2 is to get your friends back to their apartments and end the weeknight partying.  This is a lot easier than you think; you simply explain to your friends what you have told me: that living the live of a professional is tiring, keeping a clean and organized apartment is time consuming, and you simply do not have time to party with them during the week.  Then, you lock the doors to your apartment and do not open them should your friends be ignorant enough to come knocking.  I realize this course of action will not be an easy one to take, but adulthood means making your own decisions and being responsible for the consequences.  The decisions you have made thus far are not working out for you, so it's time to try a different path.

Step 3 is to realize that you cannot force your friends to "straighten out" any more than they can force you to party with them; all you can control is your own behavior and your own boundaries.  This may put some distance between you and your friends because, sad to say, it sounds as if you have outgrown them, which brings me to Step 4:  Cultivate some new friendships.

The field of Finance is a large one, where networking can help you get ahead in the world.  I suggest that you  try joining some professional organizations and attending the events they sponsor.  You will meet new people whose lives are more in tune to your own and you will be able to promote your career at the same time.  In time, as your current friends start to grow up, they will understand your position and may or may not decide to reach out to you again.  If they do, give them a second chance; some people take more time to mature than others.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #47 - For The Love Of Shoes

Dear Readers,

Today I would like to discuss a favorite topic of my Mommie’s: shoes! Like many women, she has a shoe obsession. I find this ironic because she never actually wears shoes unless forced; she prefers to walk barefoot, regardless of the weather or the season (she will walk through the snow to retrieve the morning newspaper while barefoot if she can’t find her boots!).

This past week, Mommie got a shoe catalog in the mail. She got all excited, said something about needing new shoes for work, and pounced on it like it was a mouse or a ball of yarn. She cooed over a pair of red shoes with white polka dots; looked longingly at a pair of purple wedges; and salivated over a pair of two-tone pumps when I gently reminded her that she is a Park Naturalist and spends her days climbing rocks and walking brush-strewn trails. I hardly think an “after 5” stiletto is the appropriate footwear for such a job and pointed to a practical pair of taupe colored Birkenstock sandals. Mommie just made a face at me and complained that she needed an office job, then went right back to her “shoe porn”.

She was Minnie Mouse in a past life...

How is it that she found shoes more fascinating than me, her dear little kitty? I decided to interview the women I know about their shoe fascination, and why they love shoes so much. The answers were quite reveling!

“I love shoes because my feet are the only part of my body that aren’t fat”

“I am short, so I wear wicked high heels to make me look taller” [Ed. Note to English teachers: In and around Boston, “wicked”, though grammatically incorrect, it our pseudo-adverb of choice].

“Due to my hip structure I will never wear a size 5 waist but I can still say I wear a size 5, thanks to my tiny feet!”

“For the most part, shoes sizes run true to size. You can’t say that about [women’s] clothes, especially jeans! It is just more fun to shop for shoes.”

“With shoes, I can express my creativity. I work in a very conservative office, so it’s all business suits, for both men and women. I could not imagine wearing a Betsy Johnson dress to the office, but I can wear her shoes!”

“Feet deserve a treat. They support the weight of our body, we walk around on them all day; they go through enough punishment, so why punish them further by making them wear ugly shoes?”

“I like bright colors, but I think if I bought a hot pink suit my boss would ask me if the circus was in town; a pair of hot pink pumps make a nice accent to a navy blue or black business suit, and they make a statement. That statement is [singing] ‘you can’t take that away from me!’.”

Just try to take these away from me!

“I am only 5’2” and when I wear flats people don’t seem to notice me or take me seriously; they think I am a kid. My high heeled shoes give me the height I need to get noticed.”

“I think I look sexy in nice shoes. I don’t care if I am the only one who thinks that; if I feel sexy, I feel confident and if I feel confident I look and act confident. Shoes are like therapy only better because they cost less and you can wear them.”

I was quite amazed at the variety of answers women gave for their love affair with shoes. I never realized how empowering the right pair of shoes can be to a woman! Although Cinderella used her shoes to catch a prince, it seems that women today are using their shoes for so much more! Bravo to you all! Maybe I should reconsider those taupe colored Birkenstock sandals after all.

Practical with a good sole, but altogether lacking soul...

What does the right pair of shoes mean to you? Share your thoughts in the comments section!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline. 

Believing An Urban Legend Can Be Costly

Dear Tazi:

My life is like a bad cliché. My husband has entered full-fledged mid-life crisis mode, and has run off with his secretary. Our pre-nuptial agreement states that in the case of a divorce all assets shall be equally divided or sold and the proceeds equally divided. I am tempted to sell his Corvette (his mid-life crisis mobile) to my brother – for a dollar. I can only imagine the look on his face when I send him a cashier’s check for his half. My mother says I am being petty and that I could get into some serious trouble for doing something like this; my brother says that I shouldn’t listen to Mom, that she is just taking my soon-to-be ex-husband’s side. My attorney advises against it, too, but it just seems like it would be fun. I have read about this sort of thing on the Internet; but my Mother tells me those stories are just urban legend. What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Tossed Off Like A [Feminine Hygiene Product]

Dear Tossed Off Like A [Feminine Hygiene Product]:

First, let me tell you that that correct lyric to Manfred Mann’s version of “Blinded By the Light” (written by Bruce Springsteen) is “revved up like a deuce”, not “tossed off like a...” I am told this is a sensitive issue for Mr. Springsteen, and would like to do my part to keep the myth from perpetrating.

Second, I can understand why you would want to sell your husband’s Mid-Life Crisis Mobile for a fraction of a percent of its worth; but doing so might leave you legally on the hook for the balance of the fair-market value. Depending on the laws where you live and the exact wording of your pre-nuptial agreement, your practical joke may end up costing you a bundle. Are you certain that vengeance will still be yours?

Your brother is the only one with something to gain in this whole financial exchange, so of course he is going to encourage you to go through with it. If you will not listen to the advice of your mother, please listen to your attorney – he is being paid to look out for your best interests, even if you refuse to do so yourself. Whether the stories on the Internet are urban legend or not, if true they most likely do not tell the rest of the story.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. For your listening pleasure, here is Manfred Mann's Earth Band!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Chef Has Problems Simmering At Home

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional chef at a high end restaurant.  I mention this because I am beginning to think that my (live-in) girlfriend is only staying with me for my cooking.  I love my job. "Gina", however, thinks that because I am a chef I should do all of the cooking.  When I say I would rather not, she pouts and claims that I am "holding out" on her; that I am giving my best to my customers and saving nothing for her.  Tazi, this is not true.

I enjoy cooking, and do my share of the cooking at home.  I have no problem with cooking breakfast or brunch on days that I work evenings, and enjoy cooking dinner on my nights off.  I do all of the laundry and keep the house neat, if not clean.  Gina, in return, has been doing less and less over the past several months.  When I mentioned this to her, she got very upset and accused me of being sexist and accusing me of implying that housework is a woman's job, which is why I must not want to cook for her.  Gina then told me that if I wasn't such a good cook she would have left a long time ago.  I was so angry, I stormed out of our apartment and spent the night at my brother's place.  In my defense, I texted her about an hour later to let her know where I was and that I would return when I was calm enough to face her.  Since it was getting late, my brother suggested I crash at his place.

When I came home the next morning, I had decided it was best for me to pack my stuff and find another place to live, at least while I sorted out my thoughts on where my relationship with Gina was going.  Tazi, you think I had been gone for a week considering the way Gina greeted me!  She was all apologies, saying that she didn't mean a word of what she said; that she was just angry; and could we kiss and make-up.  Well, we did and things were OK for a few weeks, but Gina is starting to fall back into her old habits of doing little and whining when I refuse to do more.  I am starting to believe that she meant what she said about only staying with me for my cooking.  What do you think, Tazi?  I need an opinion, and am kind of embarrassed to ask the guys about it.

Signed,
Chef K.

Dear Chef K.:

While I cannot say for certain what your girlfriend did or did not mean, it does look as though she enjoys the perks of dating a chef more than she enjoys the responsibilities of being part of a committed couple.  While it must be nice to have a high-end chef cooking one's every meal, those who receive need to see things from the chef's point of view.  You are right in feeling used over Gina's demands that you cook every meal, and angry that she has tried to twist your request for an equal splitting of the house-chores into a sexist demand for her to be a Little Suzy Homemaker.

And then he woke up...

I will lay it on the line for you, since that seems to be what you want: I think it is time for you to go ahead with your original plan and move out of your shared apartment with Gina until you can figure out where it is your relationship is going and upon what it is actually based.  It does not sound as if there is mutual respect between the two of you, which needs to be the basis of a lasting relationship.

If you are financially responsible for the lease and cannot move out until it is up for renewal you may have to stay in this difficult situation until that time has come.  I suggest that you handle such a scenario by talking with Gina now about what it is you need from her to keep your relationship afloat, and what it is you need to do for yourself to give you the fortitude to renew your commitment to her.  The communication in your relationship appears to be sorely lacking.  This might be the wake-up call you both need.

Snuggles,
Tazi

 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Death Put The Brakes On The Divorce, Widow Now Wants To Date

Dear Tazi:

My marriage was positively miserable for all but a few years. Now that the last of my children is grown and has graduated college, I was planning on leaving their father – I even had the divorce papers drawn up and ready to be delivered – when he took a big, fat heart attack and died. I cannot say that I am saddened by his passing because I am saved the trouble of going through with a divorce and have gained the sympathy and respect of my community as a widow.

My problem is that now that I’m free I would like to start dating. I don’t have anyone in mind, but was considering one of those Internet dating sites or singles mingles. What is an appropriate time for me to wait before jumping back in to the dating world? I would hate to scandalize my children, who thought my marriage to their father was one for the ages, but at the same time I am ready to enjoy my freedom!

Signed,
Just Call Me Scarlett

Dear Just Call me Scarlett:

Depending on where you live and the culture in which you were raised a person’s time of mourning can vary greatly. My community is heavy to the Italian culture, where it seems that a woman mourns her late husband for the rest of her life. In large urban areas, such as New York or Los Angeles, less weight is put upon propriety and more consideration is given for personal fulfillment, meaning a period of mourning lasts as long as you feel it should.

My personal view on an appropriate mourning period is a year and a day. This allows you to live through all of the days/dates that were important to your marriage at least once, and gives you the chance to experience them by yourself; the extra day is so you do not start dating on the anniversary of your spouse’s death. That’s just tacky. I realize your marriage was not the greatest, but often times we do not realize what we have until it is gone. Your first wedding anniversary without your husband; your first holiday season; your first family tradition without him present will be a time of adjustment for all – especially your children; out of respect for them and their need to mourn, allow for time to provide a healthy distance between their father’s passing and the introduction to Mom the Swinging Single.

I am not saying you need to live like a mourning dove for the next 366 days. By all means, get out there and enjoy life! Discover a new hobby or indulge in an old one; take lessons to learn a new skill; join a book discussion club through your local library or book store; take a class at the community college – in other words, live like you were dying. All of this will help you to rediscover your sense of self as you adjust to being a single/widowed woman, help you to meet new friends and cultivate relationships, and maybe even meet potential romantic partners. Nurturing your soul will not only help you heal from your years of misery, it will help your children adjust to the idea that Mom is a person in her own right, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Seeking a Promotion, Promote Yourself; Don't Downgrade Others

Dear Tazi:

I work in Inside Sales and Customer Service taking orders for a large clothing manufacturer. I have a new co-worker who believes that you should not only dress for the job you want (as the old adage goes) but also act like you have the job you want, to prove to higher-ups that you are qualified for the position. Unfortunately this new co-worker wants a job in a supervisory position, which means he goes around acting like everyone else’s boss.

“Harold” takes notes throughout the day on everyone’s job performance and then leaves detailed memos on our desks after we have left for the evening (he actually stays late to type up these memos!). Most of the time, Harold’s notes pick up on small minutia that has no bearing on the quality of our job (one note he left me said I needed to type in a more traditional manner) or they are completely off-base, accusing people of fault that simply does not exist.

Last week, Harold brought some quality control issues to the attention of our department (that turned out to be a problem with the machinery, not the operators) and perhaps we should band together to demand better training of them (problems with quality = returns = money out of our commissions). For me, this was the last straw and I let Harold know that his notes were not appreciated. Harold is now sending his memos directly to our supervisor, who wants to know if these nitpicks have any merit: are we making mistakes that could cost the company money? Is it human error that is causing problems with the machinery? (The boss’ bonus is based upon the number of satisfied customers per month). Tazi, the machinery is thirty years old; it is bound to have issues!

The rumor about the warehouse connected to our company is that their Assistant Manager is planning an early retirement due to a family illness; because of this news, Harold has stepped up is memos campaign in an attempt to further impress himself among the higher-ups in my company. The thought of having Harold in a supervisor’s position is sickening enough, Tazi, but I was planning on putting in for this promotion myself! This puts me in a Catch-22: If I speak to my supervisor about Harold’s attitude, it will look like I am bad-mouthing my competition; but if I let Harold’s behavior slide I may end up having to respect him as the Manager of a department that I work closely with…and I think I would sooner quit!

Signed,
Harried Over Harold

Dear Harried Over Harold:

Why have you waited so long to complain about Harold? Why have any of you waited so long? If the man is overreaching his authority and acting in a supervisory position, you have a valid complaint against him, and should take this complaint to your Supervisor or Human Resources Manager – the sooner the better. While a rumor that someone may be retiring does not a promotional opportunity make, if there is any truth to this rumor you would want to have all of your ducks in a row before the opportunity to advance presents itself.

It is obvious that Harold is eager to advance within the company, but he is going about it in the wrong way. When looking to promote from within, employers seek to promote people who their employees will respect as a Manager; from the sound of it, Harold lacks this important qualification. I will not say that you have nothing to worry about with regard to Harold being promoted over you; rather, I will suggest that you be proactive about the possibility of earning a promotion yourself. Ask yourself:

Do any of Harold’s memos regarding your personal or team work performance have merit?

Do you possess the education and experience needed to hold the Assistant Manager position?

Is there anything in your personnel file that might exclude you from consideration for a management position?

Is your résumé up to date and tailored towards impressing your qualifications upon the Hiring Manager?

Is your current supervisor supportive of your desire for advancement, and would s/he be willing to recommend you for the position?

Affirmative answers to all of these questions will go a long way towards getting you the promotion you seek. Rather than focusing on Harold and his annoying memos, focus instead on your own path to achievement.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Short History of April Fool's Day

Dear Readers:

Last year, I came across an old copy of the Encyclopedia Britannica while sniffing around the bookshelf for a good place to nap - a la Fredrick the Literate.

Frederick is a champion napper and my personal hero!

Being the curious cat that I am, I pulled out the first book in the series - subjects beginning with the letter "A" - and started reading about the history of April Fool's Day. I did not know that humans needed a special day to play pranks on people. We cats do it all the time, regardless of the occasion. Anyhow I decided to share my knowledge with you last year and decided to do it again this year, for those who missed it!

There are many tales of the origin of April Fool's Day. The most widely believed is that it dates back to the mid-1500's, when the Gregorian calendar was adopted in England; switching the feast of the New Year from March 25 through April 1 (a week long celebration in honor of the Spring Equinox, which actually makes sense) to January 1, a single day in the middle of the winter. News traveled slowly back then and, as now, people were not fond of change. Because of this, there were still many who insisted on celebrating the New Year on April 1. Those who celebrated on January 1 would then make fun of those celebrating the New Year on April 1, and would often play good-natured jokes on them. Although this historical event popularized the April 1 date as a day for pranks, it is not what originated it.

As far back as the mid-5th century (1,000 years earlier) the Persians (now Iraqis) celebrated their own New Year with the celebration of Sizdah Bedar (literal translation: getting rid of 13) which falls on the 13th day of the New Year and the final day of celebration, generally April 1. It is a day to play pranks on each other and to be festive and joyful; and is actually one of the older holiday traditions still active in the world today. It is believed that this tradition was carried from Persia (Iraq) by European traders, who found the practice befitting their own celebration on that date.

April Fool's Day is a holiday celebrated by many countries throughout the world; especially those in Europe, where the celebration often takes on a life of its own with the media getting involved to assist in the perpetrating of jokes and hoaxes. Perhaps the most famous April Fool's Day hoax was the one about the Swiss Spaghetti Harvest, reported as actual news by the highly reputed BBC News, the perpetrators of the joke.

To go with all the meatballs, ja!

For more interesting tales of April Fool's Day jokes, check out the blog The Museum of Hoaxes. The British are also responsible for what might also be the longest running April Fool's Day joke: sending people to the Tower of London to witness the annual Washing of the Lions. Started in 1698, the prank continued to fool citizens right up through the mid-19th century; when, presumably, communications had improved through the printing of newspapers.

However you decide to spend your April Fool's Day - whether you try to convince someone that the restaurant chain Taco Bell has purchased the naming rights to the Liberty Bell (and is renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell) or you decide to try and shut down your downtown business district, have fun doing it! And for more ideas on various hoaxes to pull, check out The Museum of Hoaxes multi-blog article on The Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time - each hoax intro leads to a full-page article (no joke!) that will keep you busy all day, leaving your cat the entire day to nap on top of your newspaper. It's a win-win situation!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.