Patient Has Crush On Doctor, Is Crushed To Be Referred to Another

Dear Tazi:

I have a very embarrassing problem. I have a crush on my gynecologist. Like me, she is a woman, but she is married so I don't think she would be interesting in taking a walk on the wild side with me. I can accept this without a problem. Just as I am not attracted to straight men who have expressed interest in me I know that straight women have their preferences, too. My problem is the frequency with which I see her.

Over the past year I have been receiving treatment for a recurring medical issue which has resulted in the need for a hysterectomy. At almost every visit I have been given a pelvic exam, which involves intimate (medical) contact between me and my doctor. As creepy as this sounds, I have actually found myself turned on by these exams. Since my doctor uses a liberal amount of lubricant and wears rubber gloves during my exams I don't think she has been able to tell...but I am not sure.

My hysterectomy has been scheduled, and I thought my doctor was going to be the one to perform it, but she has told me that a different doctor will be doing the surgery and all post-surgical follow-up. When I asked her why, she told me that the hospital where the surgery will be performed has its own surgical team and that she is not in the rotation at this time. I want to believe that this is the reason - I suppose it sounds plausible - but I am afraid that she is making excuses to dump me as a patient because of my crush. Is that unethical? Have I crossed a line? Should I say anything?

Signed,
Nervous and Annoyed

Dear Nervous And Annoyed:

Having a crush on someone can make a person paranoid. Every little thing that happens takes on enormous significance, and is examined to the nth degree. Sexual excitement is a physiological reaction to a stimulus that is often beyond our control, so even if your doctor has been able to detect this in you (through rubber gloves and a handful of KY) I do not think she would take it as anything more than your body reacting reflexively.

The reason your doctor has given you for passing you off to another surgeon is quite plausible, and not uncommon. This does not mean that your doctor cannot be present to observe or to assist with your follow-up care if she has the time in her schedule to do so - which I doubt she does. Gynecologists have ridiculously tight schedules, which is why many women schedule their appointments a year or more in advance!

If you would prefer that your doctor be the one to provide follow-up medical attention for reasons other than your attraction to her - such as your comfort level with her, uneasiness in disrobing in front of a new doctor, or simply the fact that she has been with you every step of the way so far - express this preference and your concerns to her and see if something can be worked out between the two of you. She may have a very good reason for wanting you to follow-up with the surgeon who performs your surgery, and this will give her the chance to further explain some of the unanswered questions you have.

Snuggles
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Padded Resume Will Come Unstuffed Upon Close Scrutiny

Dear Tazi:

I will be graduating high school this June and entering into the full-time work force while attending school part-time, at night. I realize that this is a lot to handle, but I am determined to make this work. My big problem is my resume. I have written it, but there is not much on it except for summer jobs and babysitting work, so I was thinking of embellishing it a bit.

Rather than writing that I worked as a babysitter for a local family, I am considering writing that I was a Child Care Provider. Also, instead of writing how I mowed lawns for extra money, I want to write that I was a Landscape Engineer. My Guidance Counselor told me to stick to "plain language", but something tells me that plain language isn't going to get me hired over someone with more professional experience than me. What do you think, Tazi?

Signed,
Young Professional

Dear Young Professional:

I think that you should reserve the title of "Engineer" for those who have actually earned a degree in Engineering and look to enhance your resume through other means. You are still quite young; no employer is going to expect a stand-out work history from you. In fact, many employers will be quite impressed that you took the initiative to take on babysitting and lawn mowing jobs. Neither of these positions is for the faint of heart, and it shows that you have a strong work ethic as well as varied talents.

Instead of attempting to pad your resume with ridiculous titles, why not add actual skills or accomplishments? How fast can you type? Do you speak any foreign languages with any level of fluency? Were you an honor roll student? Did you take part in any extra-curricular activities or sports at school or in your community? Have you performed volunteer work? Do you have any unique but marketable skills? I suggest you make a list of answers to these questions and return to your Guidance Counselor for assistance in building a resume based upon your actual skills, and not upon bloated job titles.

A further suggestion is to include a cover letter with your resume. This letter should detail what kind of work you are seeking and why you are applying for the position to which you are inquiring. Employers want to hire people who want to work for their company, not people who are only looking for a job. Your enthusiasm for a particular employer may help you to overcome your limited job experience which, no matter how you try to hide it, is going to show. Keep your job search - and your resume - realistic and you will be more likely to meet with success.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Stolen Credit Card Creates Problems For All Involved

Dear Tazi:

I have an emergency and I need some good, solid advice. My fifteen year old son recently got his sixteen year old girlfriend pregnant. Neither is in the position to support a baby, and I am a single mother working two jobs myself. I told "Kyle" that I would support him and "Latisha" any way that I could, but he took my word a little too far.

Kyle stole my credit card to buy Latisha a diamond engagement ring. He charged $5,000 to my account to buy her a ring bigger than my ex-husband gave me! When I saw the charge, I completely flipped out on Kyle, and asked how he could do such a thing to me. He completely turned things around and accused me of going back on my word, saying that I had no intention of helping him and Latisha. Tazi, that is simply not true, but what I meant was assisting with babysitting, feedings, and diaper duty, not luxury purchases.

Kyle tried to return the ring, but the return period was over by the time I discovered the charge. I explained to the jewelry store what happened but they said that I would need to file a complaint with my credit card company. I did just that, but the jewelry store fought the claim, saying that I knew who charged the ring and had not pressed charges against the perpetrator, so therefore I must be okay with the purchase. Unfortunately, they have Kyle and me recorded on their security footage, with me holding the ring in hand as I tried to return it.

My credit card company has told me that I will be liable for the purchase unless I choose to press charges. Press charges against my own son! Can you imagine? I am unfortunately in a very difficult spot. The cost of paying for the ring is more than Kyle will be able to afford with a baby on the way, and there is no way I will be able to cover the increased monthly payment on my credit card. I am holding onto the ring while I try to sell it, but so far I have had no buyers and Kyle is angry at me for "taking Latisha's ring". I am...

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Between A Rock And A Hard Place:

Has your son expressed the least bit of remorse for his crime? I use the word "crime" because he has committed a felony - grand larceny, to be exact. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he committed such a heinous error in a state of panic over the impending birth of his baby, and purchased the ring with the best of intentions - to ask his girlfriend to marry him. This does not excuse his behavior, or his response to you upon being caught.

Kyle needs to learn that there are consequences for his decisions. As he will soon discover, having unprotected sex can and does lead to pregnancy. If there was not a baby to think of, I would advise pressing charges against your son, who would be charged as a juvenile. He would be sent to a training school until the age of 18, and during his incarceration he would remain in school and work towards receiving his high school diploma. The debt would be erased from your credit account and the diamond ring would be returned to the jeweler who carelessly did not check for identification before allowing the diamond ring to be charged to your credit card!

You're welcome!

Because there is a baby involved, the training school is not the best place for your son at this time. Therefore, I would only advise pressing charges as a dead-last resort. I suggest you contact your local chapter of the American Bar Association. They will be able to put you in touch with attorneys who assist people who are in need but have low or no income. If you explain your situation, I am certain that they will be able to fight on your behalf to come up with a reasonable solution for all involved. As I already pointed out, the jeweler did not ask for any form of identification to confirm the signature or check the name on the credit card; your credit card company did not flag the purchase as suspicious and allowed it to go through unquestioned. By ignoring these standard protocols, disaster was allowed to occur. People tend to reply differently to complaints when contacted by an attorney. I suggest you waste no time in contacting one.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Butterface" Wants To Feel Beautiful On the Outside, Too

Dear Tazi:

I know that I am not the prettiest woman around, but I heard some men talking about me (by name), saying that I have a "smokin' hot figure" and that it's too bad I have a "butterface". I wasn't sure what this meant, so I looked it up online. I was crushed to discover what it means.

I never thought of myself as ugly, but I suppose compared to women who are beauty salon beautiful with a face full of makeup I am rather plain. I can't see myself wasting money at a high priced hair salon, so I usually go to a franchise - it really doesn't matter which one, whatever is closest to where I am when my hair needs trimming. From there, I pull my hair back into a bun so it stays out of my face. I also do not like the idea of wearing makeup. I tried it once and it sat so heavy on my face I wanted to scratch at it with my fingernails.

I get very few dates, and I am starting to think that this "butterface" comment is the reason why. Are men really that shallow, or am I the shallow one for thinking that? Can you think of ways to improve my face without breaking my bank account?

Signed,
:-( Butterface

:-( Dear Butterface:

The men who were talking about you must have all looked like Justin Bieber, Robert Pattinson, and other teen heartthrobs to think that they were in a position to make such comments about you. Or did they look more like this:

This is my buddy, Toothless Mortie!

Personally, I think anyone who makes rude comments about another person's looks has some severe insecurities of their own. Remember the movie Shallow Hal? I personally thought Jack Black's inflated ego was ridiculously sad! I suggest you give this movie a glance for some laughs and an ego boost!

Not all men are shallow enough to judge a woman solely on her physical looks - just the men who are not worth a woman's time! My lady friend is slightly chubby, but I think she is all the more attractive for it! She offers more for me to cuddle!

Since you asked me for cost-effective tips on improving your appearance, I will offer some that will also improve the health of your skin. To start, you really should start seeing the same hairdresser each time you get your hair cut. By developing a relationship with a hairdresser, they will become familiar with your hair, its needs (is it dry, oily, brittle, course, thin, etc.) and will be able to make recommendations based upon your specific needs.Once a trust between the two of you is developed s/he will be able to work with you on creating a more flattering style. A bun flatters nobody.

Did the men say something like this?

A lot of women are uncomfortable wearing heavy makeup, and the beauty industry has listened. From tinted moisturizers to tinted lip balm there are an array of beauty products that offer your skin the moisturizing nutrients and SPF protection that your skin needs to stay healthy that will also give your face a healthy, polished look without weighing down your skin. Clear mascara will moisturize and protect your eyelashes and eyebrows, while accenting your eyes and taming eyebrows. Eyebrow waxing/shaping is also a cost-effective way to accent your natural beauty by making your eyes appear larger and giving your brows a clean-lined look.

In the end, no amount of makeup will create the beauty that matters most - the inner beauty inside you that shows through in how you treat others. Concentrate on being the kind of person you would like to be friends with and you will find that your social calendar has many more dates on it!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unemployed Adult Son Needs To Pick Up His Efforts

Dear Tazi:

My adult son is living at home after being laid-off from his job and being unable to find work. I don't mind having "Jerry" here; he is my son, after all. I do mind the fact that he is a slob who has been treating my home like a hotel and me like his maid. I work hard all day and do not want to have to come home to a dirty house! Jerry has been here for three months now, and has not lifted a finger to help around the house or clean up after himself. Worse, he creates messes in the common areas and leaves them for me to find. I did not raise him to be this way!

When I first noticed Jerry's poor house habits, I ignored them, figuring he was preoccupied with his job search. That was a big mistake, because they only got worse from there! I thought he might be suffering from depression or some other mental illness, but all of his screenings came back negative  I have told Jerry that if he cannot clean up after himself he can find another place to live, but had no answer when he asked me "Where am I supposed to go?". I don't have the heart to send him to the homeless shelter, Tazi.

Do you have any suggestions on how to get my son to start pulling his own weight? He's 32 years old, so he is not a child, which is why I feel awkward yelling at him like he is one. I raised him to be neat and tidy, hoping I was doing his future wife a favor, but there is no news on that front, either. Where did I go wrong?

Signed,
Buried In My Own Home

Dear Buried In My Own Home:

You did not go wrong, so please do not blame yourself for Jerry's slovenly habits. You raised your son to be "neat and tidy" and presumably respectful of women. He is the one who has chosen to ignore those guidelines and go his own way. As I see it, there are two ways to deal with your problem: continue to clean up after Jerry or leave his messes for him to clean up himself. The latter may be the better way, in this case.

When Jerry leaves a mess in the common areas of the house, pick it up and place it on his bed. Now, it is his problem to deal with and he will either have to put it away or have it fall on the floor when he gets into bed at night. Do this for clothing, shoes, (clean) food wrappers, and other items he sees fit to leave laying around. Refuse to change his sheets or do his laundry for him - these are things he is quite capable of doing for himself, but will not as long as you do it for him.

Dirty dishes should be deposited in the sink, but there is nobody telling you that you have to wash them for Jerry. Eventually, he will run out of clean dishes and have to wash them himself. If Jerry complains, hand him a sponge and some soap and tell him to have at it! If Jerry complains, tell him that until he is working full-time he will be working around the house. Spring is coming and the lawn will need to be cleaned up and then mowed on a regular basis. There are probably other things that will need to be completed, as well. The economy is picking up and employers are now hiring at a good clip! If Jerry is still having trouble finding a job the trouble could be in that he is not looking hard enough. Working him around the house may be just the motivation he needs to step-up his job search.

In the end, if none of this works I suggest that  you change the locks and, weather permitting, lock Jerry outside until you come home at the end of the day. Your house will remain clean while still giving Jerry a private place to sleep at night.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Pressure To Move In With New Boyfriend Raises Red Flags

Dear Tazi:

The lease on my economically-priced apartment is expiring this summer, and my boyfriend of six months has asked me to move into his much more expensive one. I have told him that I cannot afford to pay half the rent on his place, which would be $300 more than I am currently paying on my place! "Bradley" has told me that this will not be a problem, that I can continue to pay what I have been and he will pick up the rest of the rent. He says that he does not want finances to come between us.

Tazi, on the surface this sounds like a dream! However, I have only been dating Bradley for six months, and I am not sure that I am ready to move in with him. Plus, I am afraid that if things don't work out I will have to move, and I doubt I will be able to find a place as economical as my current place, especially one in as good an area. On the other hand, if I tell Bradley I would like to wait I will have to re-up my current lease for another year, at which point Bradley and I will have been together for two years. I am much more comfortable with this time-table, but Bradley is hurt that I don't want to move things to the next level with him. He has said that he loves me and wants to live with me; that "this is what grown-ups do".

I am only 21, and have been on my own for two years, so I like to think that I am plenty "grown up", but Bradley is several years older than me and I am afraid my hesitation at moving in with him has him thinking that maybe I am too young for him. My friends are all of mixed opinions on the subject; some say to go for it, others say to wait and if Bradley truly loves me he will be willing to wait, too. What's your take on the subject, Tazi?

Signed,
Movin' Out?

Dear Movin' Out?:

My take on the subject is that you should not move in with someone until you have been with them for at least one year. This allows you to experience the stress of the holidays together and the temptation to stray with a summer romance, and everything that comes in between all of that. I also believe that you should not move in with someone until you have the financial means to pay the entire rent, in case that is what you end up doing due to unforeseen circumstances, such as prolonged unemployment.

The fact that you have only been with Bradley for six months has me nixing the deal. The fact that he is pressuring you to move in with him rather than wait the additional year has sent up some red flags for me. Why is he in such a rush for you to move in? Can he not afford the rent on his own, and is willing to take less than half in order to gain any kind of subsidy at all? Is he the jealous and/or demanding type who is trying to monitor your every move? While it is possible that he is simply head over heels for you, you should explore all avenues before making this jump.

At 21 years of age, you are no longer a child but (hopefully) adulthood has not slammed you directly in the face just yet. I consider you a younger adult - legally responsible for your actions, but still having a lot to learn about the ups and downs of those responsibilities. Things like loans (student, car, and mortgage), saving for retirement, car repairs, rent increases, emergency expenses, unemployment, and other pressures that suck the fun out of being on your own will come with time; how you handle them will be a test as to how grown-up you actually are, and will actually help you grow up just a little bit more. Standing up to Bradley and not letting him pressure you into doing something you are not ready to do - and accepting the consequences of your decision - is one more example of the responsibilities of adulthood.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Co-Sleeping Causing Problems For this Marriage

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are having a disagreement about co-sleeping with our children, ages 3 and 5. They enjoy crawling into bed with us in the middle of the night, and I like having them to cuddle with, too. My husband would prefer that they sleep in their own beds, and has argued that our bed is not large enough for the four of us (and then asks if I "get" what he means!).

Tazi, I chose to ignore my husband's veiled comment, took what he said literally, and suggested that we buy a larger bed. He flew off the handle and told me in no uncertain terms that children do not belong in the marital bed past infancy. He has offered to compromise and allow the children to come in and cuddle on weekend mornings, but is insisting that they sleep in their own beds through the night, every night. I think this is still far too harsh; they are still young, and obviously need their mother with them through the night. I counter-offered with the idea of moving the children's beds into our room, but he outright refused to hear about it.

My husband is threatening to start sleeping on the couch if I don't do things his way. I told him that I will not compromise when it comes to our children. We are at an impasse, and he refuses to go to marital counseling over this issue. I think it is because he knows the counselor will side with me. Who do you think is right, Tazi?

Signed,
Cuddle Mama

Dear Cuddle Mama:

Oh, my aching kitten head! You have more issues than you realize, starting with the fraying of your marital relationship. If your husband is threatening to sleep on the couch as opposed to just picking up the kids and putting them back in their own beds there is something deeper happening here.

I want to start by saying that I like your husband's compromise. Cuddle time as a family is a good way to strengthen the bonds between parents and children, and many families enjoy "family bed" time when everyone - including the family pets - snuggle together in Mom and Dad's bed. This occurs, however, when everyone is conscious or in a semi-conscious state and is aware of each other's presence. A sleeping child will be happy holding a cherished stuffed toy. A husband who would prefer to hold his wife is very aware that there is someone coming in between the two of them.

Your husband's point of view on the issue...

So often, once the children are born, the husband's need for attention and love end up coming second to the wants of the child (note that I said the child's "wants", not "needs"). Many men can deal with this during waking hours, knowing that once the bedroom door closes their wife will be all theirs - even if nothing more than a restful night's sleep is occurring. By allowing your children to sleep with you through the night, you are putting a barrier - both physically and emotionally - between you and your husband. You are also not doing your children any favors. You are creating an unhealthy dependency that needs to be broken - for the sake of both your marriage and your children, and even yourself. Your elder child is reaching an age where s/he will be looking to expand his or her horizons beyond your embracing arms, and your younger one will soon follow.

Furthermore, scientific studies have shown the children who co-sleep past infancy have a greater degree of sleep disturbance and a higher incidence of poor behavior, presumably from a lack of sleep. If your children are waking in the middle of the night to come into your bed, their sleep cycle has been broken.

A recently published Japanese study showed that sharing a bedroom with a child (though not necessarily co-sleeping with them) resulted in sleep disturbance among 87% of children studied. Scientists presume that this is because parents, who have a later bedtime than their children, would pull their child from deep sleep upon entering the room. Before you think I am suggesting that you and your husband go to bed when your children do, know that I am not; the same study showed that this practice upset parental sleep cycles, and made them irritable. No child wants an irritable parent. For the sake of all put the kids back in their own beds and seek marital counseling for the widening gap between you and your husband.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Choice Between Good Man And Bad-Boy A Difficult One For Woman To Make

Dear Tazi:

Help! I am in love with a man who is a "bad boy". He drinks, parties, rides a motorcycle, and has tattoos...and I never feel so alive as I do when I am with "Severus". I would love to commit to him, but I am afraid that he would end up cheating on me or leaving me for another woman. He says he would not, but I see some of the women who flirt with him, and I don't think I could ever compete with them.

On the other end of the spectrum is "Harry", a buttoned-down, responsible kind of guy. Harry is a stockbroker, so I think you can picture the type. He is crazy in love with me and has asked me to give him a chance, telling me that he will not play with my heart; that he will give me the respect a lady deserves and that he would never stray. The problem is, Harry is kind of boring, especially when I compare him to Severus.

With Harry, I know my evening will involve dinner at a very fancy restaurant and drinks at an upscale jazz club, followed by a very polite (but chaste) kiss goodnight. With Severus, I never know where the night might take us! We may start out having dinner in a quiet restaurant and then end up taking a drive to Disney World to watch the fireworks, and even create some fireworks of our own later on (we live in the Greater Orlando area, so this is not as extreme as it might sound).

With Harry, I know I will have a stable, predictable life and never have to worry about money; because of this, I told Severus I could no longer see him. While this pleased Harry to no end, Severus got angry and asked why I was settling, asking if things would be different if he had money like Harry has. I told him no, but I don't think I convinced either of us. As it turns out Severus is very wealthy. He inherited his wealth at a young age, after his parents died in a plane crash, and invested well. He is a silent partner in several successful businesses, which is why he never appears to have to go to work but always has money. How I could never have known this about him in the first place I don't know; I guess its because he never wanted to talk about what he did for a living (which made me think he might be dealing drugs) and he lives in a modest apartment.

As you might have guessed, I now want Severus back. Does this make me a gold-digger, or just a woman who is trying to be smart about her future? Should I stay with Harry, or risk losing him, too, in order to try to get Severus back?

Signed,
Bird In Hand

Dear Bird In Hand:

I assume that you are hoping that one of these relationships will lead to marriage and many happy years together. To start, I will answer your question about treasure hunting: Are you looking for a man to support you financially, or are you just looking for a man that you will not have to support? There is a big difference between the two, and your answer will give you the answer you seek.

Your original attraction to Severus was because he made you feel alive. In speaking with women who have dated this type, they all say that this is the initial (but often not lasting) attraction they feel towards "bad boys"; in the end, they always ended up leaving because they wanted the party to end while the guy wanted to keep right on living life as he always has. Can you see your attraction to Severus lasting if he chooses not to settle down and to keep on living his spontaneous lifestyle? Do you think that, once you are committed to each other, you would want Severus to change? You mention that you are concerned that he would cheat, in spite of his protests that he would not. Can you learn to trust him, or would you want him to start staying at home more? In short, can you see yourself taking up full-time residency in Severus' world?

Now to look at the other side of the coin: Harry is obviously on the marriage and family track. He respects you - and himself - in such a way that he will not get physically involved with you until you are in a committed, monogamous relationship. Ergo, you can trust him not to cheat and you can trust him to stand by you during times of uncertainty. However, there is still the problem that being with Harry bores you. Have you suggested alternative date ideas to Harry? I am not suggesting you try to turn him into Severus, but a night in Disney World sounds like a blast!

Disney World? Let's get this party started!

What you appear to have is two men that represent the two extremes that life has to offer. If you cannot find happiness with either one just as they are, you may be better off looking for someone who lives life in the happy medium that you seek.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Did you have to go all Harry Potter on me with the pseudonyms? He is not one of my sponsors...yet!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #35 - Tazi Rants On Winter, And Shares The Perils Of Being A Man

Dear Readers,

Did you remember to mess with your biological schedule by turning your clocks one hour ahead last night? As a cat, it makes no difference to me when or where I sleep, but I care about this whole Daylight Savings Time thing for one reason and one reason only: it means spring is almost here!

Since I am approximately eight inches tall, the amount of snow that New England has experienced this season has left me - and my neighbor, Bentley the Chihuahua - in dire straits!

At least I have a litter box...

Just when I thought all that horrible, cold white stuff was gone it went and reincarnated itself! I decided I needed to take matters into my own hands, and went outside to have a talk with it.

As you can see, the conversation did not go well.

I have no idea why Barry Manilow so fondly remembers his Winter in New England; I for one am ready for it to be over! I am ready for the sun to shine, the grass to turn green, and those red and yellow tulip things to bloom so I can sit among them and have the world coo over how cute I look.

I am one sexy beast, aren't I?

Anyway, enough about my issues and onto today’s topic! Here I thought my life was rough when I discovered the perils of being a human male extend further than having to chase after human females for a date! (I do not have this problem; my lady friends always manage to find me).

I have known for years that men, just like women, have their ritual grooming habits. Unlike women, whose habits involve approximately 500 different steps and involve tubes, bottles, and compacts full of stuff that is supposed to moisturize, reduce wrinkles, and turn them into a supermodel, male grooming products are kept to a minimum and habits are divided into three phases: Sh*t, Shower, and Shave. Some men mix up the order, and Sh*t, Shave, and Shower, which makes no sense to me, since hot steam opens up the pores and makes shaving easier…but this is not for me to judge; merely to observe…but it does beg the question: Do any men out there Shave, Sh*t and Shower? Or Shower, Shave and Sh*? I would think you would want to do that last one first, so you can give yourself a proper cleaning…as a cat, you have no idea how jealous I am. Do you know what I have to do to clean back there? Back to the topic before I reveal things that you do not want to hear…

Recently, during my kitty-cat roving, I overheard my uncle-person describing how taking a dump (or, to use the technical term, Sh*t) is not without risk. Unlike women, who NEVER defecate, he was exposed not only to a nasty smell, requiring the need to spray a scented, germ-killing chemical into the air (think Lysol or Febreeze); he was exposed to bacteria, like e-coli, with only a thin layer of tissue between his hands and the deadly germs (*shudder* I hope it was at least two-ply tissue!)…somehow, he made it through without harm…we hope. E-coli can take a few days to incubate.

My uncle-person is a pretty big guy, so I figured his immune system could handle a few germs and he would come out on the other end unscathed. However, I got a little worried when I saw him take on Phase 2, or Shave as he called it, which involves scraping a sharp razor across the front of his throat and over his jugular and carotid arteries – not just once, but repeatedly!! Watching him was like watching that scene in The Color Purple, where Ceilie was considering slitting Mr.___'s throat with the straight razor as she shaved him. Truly a moment to hold your breath in wonder…but again, my uncle-person made it through without a scratch! Such bravery, and yet somehow he found it within himself to move on to Phase 3.

The last phase of this male ritual, Shower, appeared to the most risky of all! For starters, it involved getting wet! Ugh! You poor humans, but if that is not enough this dreadful phase involved the deliberate pouring of hot water over the naked skin! What if someone, unaware of what was going on in there, decided at that very moment to throw a load of laundry into the washer, siphoning off the cold water, and scalding my uncle-person! Or worse. siphoning off the hot water, leading to the possibility of hypothermia – or at the very least, a nasty shock! Adding to this precarious balance of man versus nature is the need to use soap which, when gotten into one's eyes, can burn like crazy!!! Oh! Never have I ever been so glad to be a cat, immune to the societal expectations of human hygiene!

Hearing of this ritual from one that experiences it firsthand has truly opened my eyes to the perils of being a human man. I guess this explains why, in the natural order of things, for every 100 live human female births, there are 105 live human male births. The risks they must face on a daily basis thin their herds considerably. Ladies! Cherish your men, for you never know when their hygiene rituals might do them in!

So glad that I am a cat, and get to do my business in a box – which reminds me, I need to tell Mommie to go clean it.

Snuggles,
Tazi
Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Public Humiliation Can Be The Result Of Gossip

Dear Tazi:

I am a working mother of two young boys. My husband owns his own small business, and I assist with the bookkeeping on top of my regular full-time job. In addition to all of this, I make a concerted effort to be a part of my son's lives and be there for them and their activities; to that end, I go to work early in the morning so I can leave early in the afternoon and be there to pick them up from school or be present at their after-school activities.

Most of the other Mom's that show up after school are stay-at-home-mothers; I have noticed that many of them are very competitive among each other, dressing up like they just spent the day with the Kennedy's and wearing a full face of designer makeup. Many of these women also have figures to kill for. There is one woman in particular, "Ms. Dolce", who stands out above the rest, and never misses an opportunity to brag about how she does yoga for two hours a day and only eats locally grown organic foods, and never, ever touches red meat. I am sure you know the type.

Is this the type?

Recently, while running from work to school I stopped off at McDonald's to grab a quick bite to eat, and guess who I saw chowing down on a Big Mac value meal? Yup! Ms. Dolce herself! The opportunity to get even was simply too good to be true, so I grabbed my phone and took a picture of her and sent it to all of my friends, never thinking it would get back to her. Well, it did and now she is livid and saying all sorts of nasty things about me, how I cannot be trusted, and that I am a bad person and probably a bad mother, too, since I am setting a horrible example for my children.

Ms. Dolce has a lot of friends, and they have all taken her side and are asking me how I could do something so cruel. Tazi, I caught Ms. Dolce in an enormous lie, so I exposed her, and I am the one who is being treated like a criminal! A few of the other Moms have suggested that I apologize to Ms. Dolce so we can all move past this, but I don't think an apology is necessary - SHE is the liar, not me! My boys have been hearing things from their friends about how I was mean to Ms. Dolce, which has me even more upset than ever. What kind of person would drag young children into this?

I know that Ms. Dolce and her crew read your column, because they talk about it while waiting for the kids to get out of school. Could you please tell them all to grow up and start acting their age and not the size 7 shoe size that they all claim to wear?

Signed,
Real Woman, Real Mom

Dear Real Woman, Real Mom:

It is obvious you do not like the fact that Ms. Dolce and her friends compete for the Best Dressed Mom award. Is this because it makes you feel insecure about your own looks? Jealous that they do not work full-time? Angry that they are pushing women's liberation back about sixty years? Whatever your reasoning, you need to build a bridge and get over it!

While I will acknowledge that it was very wrong for Ms. Dolce to lie, it was also wrong of you to violate her privacy by taking a picture of her while she was eating. It appears that in the desire to impress others Ms. Dolce's mouth got ahead of her brain. You caught her in a weak moment; there was no need to exploit it to your own gain. This whole situation reminds me of a scene from Will and Grace!

In  my opinion, you do owe Ms. Dolce an apology for your gross lack of judgment. Just because the Empress has no clothes is no reason to take pictures and send them to everyone you know. Ms. Dolce, in turn, needs to stop bragging about how she "never" indulges in healthy habits since it is obvious that she has on at least one occasion.

As for the accusations that are flying around:

1) Children have an uncanny ability to hear things that they should not. I believe it is more likely that your sons' friends overheard their Moms talking and brought the news to school than the likelihood that their mothers dragged them into this whole sordid affair.

2) Ms. Dolce's comments that you cannot be trusted appear to hold some weight, based upon your actions, and she is entitled to her opinion as to whether or not you are a bad person. However, she owes you an apology for making such nasty comments about your ability to mother your children. Differences between adults should never be dragged down to the level of children - and I mean that in more ways than one.

The time is long past for everyone to shake hands and make-up. You may never be bosom buddies with these other women, but your children are friends with their children. In the words of one of my Mommie's closest friends, "You need to suck it up, Buttercup!"

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Attitudes, Like Dirty Diapers, Are Difficult To Handle

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who always claims that I steal her ideas. When we go shopping together and I see something I like, she claims that she was "planning on buying it" for herself and that if I buy it she can't. Of course, when I don't buy it she makes a huge fuss and tells me not to act like such a martyr.

When our daughters were turning 1 (they were born only a month apart, which is how I met "Carla") I planned a large, Sesame Street themed celebration complete with a person I hired to dress up like Elmo during the party. I requested no gifts for my daughter, but asked for children's books to be donated to the local children's hospital. Of course, Carla claimed that she had planned something similar, right down to the charitable giving. She further claimed to anyone who would listen that she did not do it because I had "stolen" her idea, which is why she had a small backyard party for family only.

Personally, I am a little scared of Elmo...

Our daughters are now 18 months old, and I have not been spending as much time with Carla because in addition to running around after my toddler, I am expecting another baby! My husband and I are thrilled, and decided to share the news with everyone via an email birth announcement and a pregnancy web page we created through a free site. I know this sounds over the top, but my husband is a Web Designer, and he wanted to do his part to be involved with my pregnancy.

Everyone I know has been happy for me, and has said that they love the website, which includes (among other things) photos of my husband and I turning our home office back into a third bedroom and a "Guess the sex of the baby?" button where people can vote for whether they think I will have a boy or a girl. Guess who has accused me of being insensitive to her attempts to get pregnant, and of stealing her idea for a pregnancy website? Yup, it is Carla!

Tazi, I had no idea that she was trying to get pregnant - she never said anything - and as for the website being her idea, the woman has zero social media presence! I find it hard to believe that she would go from nothing to all-in overnight. How, how, how should I deal with this woman, short of cutting her out of my life, which I am afraid is what is going to happen once my pregnancy hormones kick-in?????

Signed,
Expecting More Than A Baby

Dear Expecting More Than A Baby:

It is obvious that Carla is extremely jealous of you and your style and creativity. As annoying as this is, there is nothing you can do to change Carla, so you will have to work on how you react to her. If there is an article of clothing you wish to buy and Carla exclaims that she wants it, buy it anyway and joke that you will call her before you get dressed so you don't look like twins (or so you can look like twins, whichever your preference). Should you be making plans for a party and Carla claims you are stealing her ideas, suggest that she go ahead with it anyway because children's charities can always use more assistance.

If Carla continues to rain on your parade over your current and ongoing project (your pregnancy website), encourage her to create her own and ask for the link so you can post it on your site so mutual friends will know about it. Basically, turn Carla's complaints into an effort to make her feel more included. If this does not stem the flow of complaints it should at least make her see that you are onto her little game.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Same Sex Crush Has Office Worker Uneasy

Dear Tazi:

I work with a very sweet woman I will call "Lisa". I enjoy Lisa's company at the office, and often refer co-workers to her when their projects fall under her domain, just to make sure that they are not making her job harder by re-contacting her contacts and undoing her work (we work in Sales and Marketing). Because I pass by Lisa's cubicle on the way to my own, I will wave hello or stop for a minute to say hi. I am afraid that this has given Lisa the wrong impression of me.

Lisa is a lesbian and I am straight. Although she does not talk about her love life, others at the office are much closer to her than I am, and they have confirmed to me what I have suspected: that Lisa has a crush on me. At first I thought this was not possible - I didn't think gay people were ever attracted to straight people - but after thinking about it I realized that just because someone is not attracted to you does not mean you cannot be attracted to them. Isn't this the theme of every Taylor Swift song?

I do not wish to distance myself from Lisa, but every time I walk past her she looks at me with this dreamy look on her face; if I stop to say hi she practically begs me to stay and converse with her a little longer, so making my exit is quite awkward. I have considered talking to the HR Department, but I don't know what to say without embarrassing either of us, and I am not really certain how I might word a complaint. Lisa knows that I am straight - she has even commented on the picture that I have of me and my boyfriend that sits on my desk. How should I deal with this situation? Ignore it and hope it runs its course? Talk to HR? Talk to Lisa directly? What?

Signed,
Crushed On

Dear Crushed On:

I am glad that you figured out that just because someone is homosexual does not mean that they cannot feel an attraction to someone who is heterosexual! The class nerd may have a crush on the Homecoming Queen, even though he recognizes that his chances are about as close to zero as in your situation, but that does not change how he feels. Lisa is a human being, regardless of her sexual preferences, so please treat her heart with care.

I suggest that while you are at the office you remain 100% professional; this means no slipping into casual terms of endearment that can be mistaken for more than they are. Off the cuff comments like "thanks, hon!"or "got a second, sweetie?" can easily be misconstrued by one who has a crush on the person saying them. When Lisa stops you to speak to her, be polite but firm and tell her that you only have a minute, that you need to get back to your desk. If, on the other hand, her reason for stopping you is business-related, give her the same time you would give to any other co-worker. Lisa should get the picture that you know how she feels and are not interested in her that way; you should not need to spell it out for her.

If the situation does not improve and you are still feeling discomfort when dealing with Lisa, I suggest you ask HR for a desk reassignment. Explain that your current desk requires you to pass by an employee that has an unrequited crush on you, and the attention you are receiving is making you uncomfortable. There is no need to name names - if it is a small office, HR probably already knows about it.

Overall, you must remember to act like the adult you are, and handle the situation with courtesy and aplomb. As awkward as it may seem, take Lisa's affections as a compliment to the woman you are, and remind your boyfriend how lucky he is to have a woman as wonderful as you!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Children Guided Into Adulthood Will Grow Up Just Fine

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I married young and have always wanted a large family, so we have never bothered with birth control. The result of this decision is our having been blessed with six children in seven years. Although we do not want as many children as The Duggars we are excited to be expecting our seventh child this summer. We have the financial means to raise our children, and feel that the number of children we choose to have is nobody's business but our own.

How many and counting now?

By now, I am used to the crude comments from strangers and acquaintances and have learned to ignore them; however, I overheard my sister-in-law saying something to my brother that has me both angry and concerned. I am afraid that there is a downside to having such a large family that we may never have considered.

"Cheryl" told my brother that he and I should really start to consider limiting the size of our family  and that we may already have too many children. She commented that "having children in litters increases the chances of raising delinquents". Tazi, at first I was livid that Cheryl would compare me and my family to animals, and angry that she would assume that our children would grow up to be delinquent, but then I got to thinking about the large families I knew growing up. Over half of them have children that never quite made the grade in life, and many of these people were troublemakers as teenagers and have become failures as adults. Do you think I am doomed to raise failures simply because I have had too many children?

Signed,
Mom of Six...And Counting

Dear Mom of Six...And Counting:

What I think is that your sister-in-law needs to keep her uneducated and prejudicial opinions to herself! I have searched, and there is not a shred of scientific evidence that shows children from large families are doomed to delinquency and failure. What I did find was strong evidence supporting the fact that parents who are involved in their children's lives, who hold their children accountable for their actions, who praise children for accomplishments, punish bad behavior, and seek outside help for the ones who struggle with academic or emotional difficulties end up raising successful, well-adjusted adults, regardless of how many children they had.

I would like you to take a second walk down memory lane and refocus on the types of family structure that the large families you knew had. Were the children raised to be well-mannered or was bad behavior excused or ignored? Did the parents use the excuse that they were too tired to offer each child individualized attention? Were the children taught to work through their problems, share their belongings, and develop close bonds with each other? Did one family have a problem with alcohol abuse or violence in the home, while another did not? The answers to these questions may shed some light on why some of these children grew up to be successful adults while others did not.

It is my opinion that as long as you and your husband have the emotional means to care for your many children (as well as the financial means) you should not worry about your children developing into delinquents in spite of your efforts to raise them otherwise. Your husband should have told his sister to put a sock in it!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Military Husband Worries Wife Is Keeping Warm In The Desert

Dear Tazi:

My wife is stationed overseas in Afghanistan, and I am living here stateside. We Skype as often as possible, and send email when we cannot talk over Skype or on the phone, so I am in communication with her every day or at least every other day. I know that my wife loves me and would never cheat on me, but I can't help feeling jealous and wondering if the men she works with are coming on to her, in spite of the fact that she tells me they are not. I mean, of course she is going to say that, right?

The stress of her absence, plus the stress of not knowing what is going on over there has put me in a foul mood and made me argumentative when we talk. I am afraid that while my bed is cold she is keeping warm - and not from the desert heat! She has told me that she needs to concentrate on her mission, not our marriage and my "unfounded worries", in order to increase her chances of returning safely home to our marriage and to make sure that the men and women in her charge have an equal opportunity to do the same. I am guessing this was her way of telling me to cut the [expletive deleted] and trust that she is being faithful to both me and her mission, but I am having a hard time accepting this. I know that I have been tempted on occasion (but have not strayed), so I know she must be, too, right?

Signed,
Army Husband

Dear Army Husband:

Wrong and wrong, to both of the questions you have asked me. Your wife is living and working in a war zone, not a singles bar. I can also infer that she holds rank, which means she is the officer in charge and is respected as such. From what I know about the military, it does not matter if an officer is a man or a woman; they are an officer, and to make a play for them would be insubordination and could result in disciplinary action. Trust your wife when she says that the men serving with her are not hitting on her, and give the soldiers with whom she serves a little more credit than you currently are. Many of them have wives and partners back home that they are missing just as much as you miss your wife.

Would you be dumb enough to disrespect this?
Photo: Brigadier Nicky Moffat, British Army

Furthermore, just because you have had the desire to stray does not mean your wife has been tempted in the same way. While you are safe and sound on U.S. soil and taking in the scenes at the bar, bowling alley, or wherever it was you were when "tempted" your wife is in a war zone! She does not have the time to take her mind off of her mission. Again, I suggest that you trust her...or are you looking for a reason to justify straying yourself?

As a military spouse, you are entitled to certain benefits, including mental health counseling. I suggest you try it to help you deal with your jealousy and insecurity and allow your wife to once again start looking forward to your Skype calls, phone calls, and emails. Your situation is a stressful one, and you have my sympathies, but please do not take your aggravations out on your wife. Right now she needs your support, not your grief.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Drama Queen Needs To Find A New Target

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend, "Randi" who feeds on drama. Whenever she gets upset with someone, she goes off on them on Facebook and "unfriends" them until the spat has ended; then, she will send another friend request. If the friend request goes unanswered, she will cancel it and resend it. Randi will keep doing this until you accept her as your friend. Since I like to keep my life a drama free zone, I let her unfriend me, ignored her multiple friend requests, and finally blocked her from my Facebook account so she could not drag me into her little game.

I thought Randi would get my point and leave me alone, but mutual friends have told me that she has been trashing me on her Facebook page, calling me a bad friend and names that are much, much worse. I would not be bothered so much by this if Randi did not act like a good friend to my face and as if nothing is wrong. I am torn between bringing the subject up with her and just letting it go and hoping she will eventually give up the fight. I am afraid if I ask my friends for their advice they will report back to Randi and the cycle will only get more intense - which is why I am writing to you for your opinion.

Signed,
Drama Free?

Dear Drama Free:

It looks like your life is not as drama free as you would like. In order to settle the situation, you have to ask yourself: how much do Randi's comments bother you? Is she mentioning you by name or simply implying that her comments are about you? Last of all, why are your friends reporting this to you? Are they trying to fuel the fire in hopes of a dramatic eruption?

In my opinion, Randi is attempting to get a reaction from you with her Facebook posts. Since she continues to be nice to you in person, it could be that she is hoping to play the innocent party and paint you as paranoid if you suggest that her comments are about you. As annoying as these comments must be, bringing them up to Randi will only cause more drama.

The next time your friends bring up the comments that Randi is making, shrug it off and do not let on that the comments bother you. Sooner or later, Randi will get tired of playing a one-sided game and move onto a new target. Since she loves drama so much, I suggest letting her keep it all to herself by refusing to take the bait she offers. If you are uncomfortable with maintaining a relationship with Randi, drop her from your circle of friends; if you are unable to do this, work to limit the time you spend with her. People who feed on drama tend to find a new source when another source dries up on them.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.