A Church Wedding Is No Place To Clown Around

Dear Tazi:

Ever since I was a child, I have had a desperate fear of clowns. I do not usually talk about this phobia, since it rarely pops up as a cause for concern in my daily life. So, why am I writing to you about this issue? My sister, who is an honest-to-God circus performer is getting married to one of her co-workers who is - you guessed it - a clown.

My sister is aware of my phobia, and has blessedly kept it to herself. She is in the process of planning her wedding and would like me to be her Matron of Honor; unfortunately, her husband-to-be wants to get married in full makeup, complete with white-face groomsmen. Just the thought of having to look across the aisle at a row of clowns is enough to make me pass out from fear, so I cannot imagine how I will work up the courage to face them in person on my sister's wedding day.

Obviously, I want to be there for my sister, but if the wedding turns into a circus - literally - I am afraid I will have to bow-out of my duties and decline any invitation to the wedding itself. I do not wish to be cruel to my sister and future brother-in-law, but I also do not wish to cause a scene and steal the attention on their big day. Please do not suggest counseling, Tazi, I have tried and tried and it just does not work. My fear of clowns is deep-rooted, and I have made several attempts to overcome it.

My sister is trying to convince her future husband that they should take their wedding plans in a different direction; that a wedding should be an elegant and formal affair and that she plans on reciting her vows to him, not his alter-ego. So far, he will not budge on the matter and my sister does not know how to go about changing his mind - after all, the circus is a big part of who they are; and she is unable to explain her reluctance to go with this theme without outing me as a clownaphobe. My future brother-in-law is a huge practical joker, so my sister and I both fear how he might use this information to his advantage and my humiliation.

Tazi, do you have any suggestions on how to keep this train wreck from happening? It is to be a church wedding, if knowing this helps at all.

Signed,
Matron of Honor?

Dear Matron of Honor?

First, let me offer my best wishes to your sister! She sounds like an absolute peach to want to accommodate your coulrophobia - the correct term for the fear of clowns - and keep your confidence in the process. You sound like a wonderful sister, too, for wanting to give your sister the best of both worlds on her wedding day - an elegant affair from which you do not run screaming.

Your sister's argument that a wedding should be an elegant and formal affair is a sound one, and I am hoping that she will be able to convince her fiancé to accept a toned down plan for their big day. Her argument that she is marrying the man and not the man behind the mask is also excellent. I am not certain as to the laws in your state or place of worship, but there are many who will refuse to marry those who are hiding their true face. Therefore, the whole idea of clown makeup may be a non-issue after all.

You must remember that a wedding is about two people, so compromise on both sides may have to occur. The first suggestion that comes to mind is to have a clown-themed bachelor party, where your future brother-in-law and his groomsmen can clown around all they like while keeping the wedding ceremony a clown-free event. Your sister would do well to gently remind her fiancé that not everyone likes clowns. Although there are no hard and fast statistics to be found, according to Discovery Health approximately 9% of Americans suffer from phobias, including clowns. It would be a shame for you to miss your sister's wedding because of this phobia, but it would be a catastrophe for wedding guests to run screaming from the church when they catch sight of a gaggle of clowns on the alter. Your sister could present this situation to her fiancé as she puts her foot down for a clown-free wedding. As for the reception...

Many wedding receptions have slide-shows or PowerPoint presentations of the lives and courtship of the bride and groom. If your sister and future brother-in-law are planning such a show, you will have to understand and accept that it will probably feature pictures of clowns. Know this in advance, and plan accordingly, as you may need to excuse yourself during this part of the festivities.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. It is one thing to be a practical joker and another thing to be sadistic. Is your future brother-in-law truly the type to find humor in a person's phobias? If so, this is an entirely different issue. --T.K.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Spark Needs Rekindling For Loveless Marriage To Survive

Dear Tazi:

I have been married for almost twenty years now, and have four beautiful children ranging in age from 15 to 5. I love my family dearly, but I no longer love my husband, “Fred”. I do not wish to break up our family with a divorce, but I no longer wish to have a physically intimate relationship with Fred. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but all he did was get angry and tell me that I needed counseling. He also informed me that he would not settle for a sexless marriage. I gave him permission to have an affair, so long as he doesn’t bring it home, but he refused; he said he doesn’t want just any woman, he wants me. He also refuses to consider divorce, and is constantly guilt tripping me into performing my “wifely duties”. I feel so worthless after this happens.

I have been screened for depression and other mental illnesses, as well as gynecological causes for my lack of desire for Fred. Fred is a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want – but I no longer love him in a romantic way. I have spoken with a counselor on a few occasions, but we were unable to get very far. The counselor suggested I try to remember the love I felt for Fred when we first got married, but so much has changed since then – in our lives, and within ourselves.

At Fred’s request, I left my full-time job after our second child was born (80% of my income would have gone to child-care anyway) and have not worked professionally in over ten years, another reason I could not leave him. I have no support from my family, who has told me that vows taken before God are not to be broken, whatever the reason. I feel trapped and alone and I don’t know where else to turn! All of my friends seem so happy in their marriages, I feel like they would never understand what I am going through or how to offer help. When I am alone, I cuddle my cat Boots and cry in his fur, which gave me the idea of writing to you.

Signed,

Not Alone But Lonely

Dear Not Alone But Lonely:

You describe your husband as an absolute prince – up until the point he guilt trips you into having sex when you would rather not, which leaves you feeling “worthless” afterwards. Surely your distress is obvious to your husband, yet he continues to put his physical desires before your mental health. I am probably going to get clobbered by every guy on the planet for saying this, but your husband needs to learn to control his urges!

I have a message for your husband that I would like you to deliver: guilt-tripping a woman into having sex is not going to succeed in making her feel closer to you; rather, it will increase the repulsion she feels towards you. Each time he pulls you close to him physically he is pushing you further and further away emotionally. I believe that marital counseling could do a world of good for your marriage, and for the way the two of you communicate with each other.

Marital love does not die overnight; loss of affection is a process that builds, constructed through changes in life (such as the addition of children); stresses not dealt with (such as the loss of one income and/or loss of fulfillment from career); and as you alluded to, the changes that occur within people. If we do not work to remain familiar with each other, we assume too much and in time wake up next to a spouse that has become a stranger.

In order to get your marriage back on track, you are going to have to be willing to put in the effort to see your husband as you once did, and he is going to have to do his part to win your heart all over again. I suggest that you start by dating again – that is, dating each other. Start by planning a coffee date and sharing all those awkward details about yourself that you would share on a first date; things you and your husband may have forgotten about each other. In short, get to know each other again. You might be surprised to discover how fun this is! Once you move past the having coffee stage, try for an evening out – dinner and dancing is always a good way to rekindle romance. Do not go into these dates expecting the night to end in physical intimacy, but work towards that eventual goal – just like you did when you were dating.

Putting your marriage back together is going to be a process, so do not expect things to turn perfect overnight. Build upon the things you learn about each other. If your husband mentions his favorite food, try to incorporate it into a meal; if you should mention your favorite pastime, he could plan a date revolving around it. Each of you must show the other that they are actually listening when you speak to them! I cannot guarantee that you will fall back in love with your husband, but I do know that it is easier to fall in love with someone who is “a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want” than to try and find his replacement in another.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #50 - Would You Rather...?

Dear Readers:

This week I have been seeing “Would You Rather?” questions everywhere I turn! For those who are not familiar with this game, it is simple: you are given the choice of two uncomfortable and/or disgusting choices or in a rare case, two extremely enjoyable choices and you have to decide which you would rather do; you cannot respond “neither” or “both” – that would defeat the whole point of the game! You need to decide which you would consider the lesser of two evils or the greater of two pleasures.

I have decided to share with you today some of the questions, as well as my answers – just for fun! Feel free to join in and tell me what you would rather do – and why! (Thank you to Buzzfeed.com for providing these thought provoking questions).

Would you rather…

Live one 1,000 year life or 10-100 year lives?

I'm a cat, I already have nine lives so what's one more? I go with option B and the 10 one-hundred year lives. This way nobody gets smarmy and calls me Methuselah! 

Have hiccups for the rest of your life? Or feel like you need to sneeze and not be able to for the rest of your life?

Have you ever seen a cat when its about to sneeze? Our face scrunches up all cute and adorable, and I am all for looking cute and adorable. Hiccups usually result in large and glorious barfs, which is also tempting, but I am going to stick with cute and adorable; there aren't enough shoes in the world for all the barfs I would have if I chose hiccups so feeling sneezy it is!

Have the ability to read minds? (You will be illiterate.) Or have just have the ability to read?

Cats already have the ability to read minds, and I kind of like it this way. For example I know that you are thinking about sex. And if you weren't, you are now...that's why you are smiling!

Watch your parents have sex every day for a year? (I’m sorry) Or join in once to make it stop? (I’m sorry).

I am sorry that I made you think about sex just now, especially if this is the vision now planted in your brain! As a cat, I can sleep anytime and anywhere, so I would choose to watch and then fall asleep in the middle of it all. Please tell me you chose the same answer...

Eat chocolate-flavored poop? Or eat poop-flavored chocolate?

If I were a dog this would be so much easier to answer...then again, maybe not; dogs would eat either without an issue. I'm going for the chocolate - the real thing - because it has far less bacteria and other illness-inducing agents.

You're on a desert island with a beautiful woman or man. Would you rather...
They are top-half fish?
Or they are bottom-half fish? 

I have been neutered so I can't do anything special with my half-fish lady friend, so I am going to say bottom half fish. This way she has hands to provide me with belly rubs!
 

Fart popcorn? Or have your past and future web browsing history available to everyone?

Except for those visits to sites like Playcat and Catnip Times I am not ashamed of my browser history, so bring it on! Besides, popcorn constipates me; I cannot imagine trying to fart it out of my little bum!

Go to Hogwarts and still be a muggle? Or live in a world with Pokemon, but only be able to catch Magikarps?

I had to look this one up but have decided that I would rather be a plain and ordinary cat with no magical powers than a fisherman who can catch magical carp. Wait a sec...if I ate the magical carp would I gain magical powers? 

Have sex with a goat, and no one knows that you did it? Or NOT have sex with a goat, but everyone THINKS you did it?

I'm going to pass on the goat sex. I think my browser history (which I revealed earlier!) will show that I am not into that sort of thing. 

I'm too sexy for my spots, too sexy for my spots...

Live in a world where huge, friendly gummy bears walk around? Or live in a world where hover boards exist?

I'll take the hover boards. Not because I would want to ride one but because I am afraid that people will find huge, friendly gummy bears cuter than me and we can't have that!

Even at a week's worth of calories it is STILL adorable!

Live the rest of your life with Cheeto dust on your fingers? Or have taste buds in your butt?

How is this even a question? Was the person writing this watching scat-fetish porn? I would rather spend my life sporting orange paws (which would look sexy with my black fur) and have a tasty snack every time I licked my fingers than the alternative suggested here! Using my sandbox would be a nightmare!

Have a side soup? Or have a side salad?

Oh, man...if I say the soup are you going to tell me it's lentil bean? Because I can't stand lentils, but I don't like when the salad comes out and it's all reject lettuce because the good stuff is too expensive and the restaurant doesn't want to have to raise prices. Can you tell me what kind of dressing you have? And do you charge extra for blue cheese dressing? Because that's going to factor into my decision! Now if the soup is chicken, is it chicken noodle or chicken rice? If it's noodle do you use actual noodles or do you use that tiny little pasta and just call it chicken noodle? How big is the serving of soup? Is it the size of a coffee cup? Because that's just a tease and its not worth it and if that's the case I'll have the salad, but if it's a good sized bowl I'll have the soup. With crackers. On the side. Please. Meg Ryan's got nothing on me! 

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Uses Woman's Fear Of Public Toilets To Hide His Infidelity

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I have not seen addressed elsewhere, and I am embarrassed to ask my doctor about it: I am unable to defecate in a public bathroom.  I have no problem with peeing, but when it comes to farting or pooping I hold it in until I get home. 

This school year I moved away to college and my problem has caused some complications.  I only live a few hours from home, so I can return home on weekends, but a daily commute would be too much.  I thought I would have a private bathroom to share with only a few people, but my dormitory is old and has two ladies rooms per floor – which means I am sharing my bathroom with an entire floor!

I have managed to learn to “hold it in” until after everyone is asleep, but this is a college campus and people go to bed late – generally after midnight every night!  I wish I could hold it until the weekend, but I can’t.  My record is three days.

While showering today I noticed some strange bumps on the inside of my butt-crack.  They were about the size and consistency of a raisin.  I think I have anal warts!  My boyfriend insists he has been faithful to me since I went away to school and that I must have gotten them from the public toilet seat.  Could this have happened, Tazi?  I know there are all sorts of nasty germs lurking on public toilet seats, which is why I don’t like using them, but I always thought genital/anal warts were sexually transmitted.  Is my boyfriend right?  Or do you think he is lying to me?

Signed,

Itchy Down There

Dear Itchy Down There:

Your boyfriend could technically been telling the truth when he said he has been faithful since you went away to school; he could have cheated on you while you were still at home.  The fact that he blames your infection on something he knows you fear – public toilet seats – makes me believe that he is being less than honest with you.

Condyloma – the medical term for genital warts – is transmitted through skin to skin contact with an infected person.  Is it possible to contract it from a toilet seat?  Anything is possible, I suppose, but the chances of this happening are about the same as me turning green and growing a second tail.  

Now about that second tail…

Now is not the time to assign blame.  Now is the time for both you and your boyfriend to go to a doctor and get treated for this viral infection.  Left untreated anal warts can spread to the rectum and the colon, and possibly lead to anal, rectal, or colon cancer in later years.  Additionally, if you are unlucky enough to have contracted condyloma accuminatum the warts will spread and grow until your tushy looks like it has a cauliflower growing out of it!  (I have seen pictures of it in Mommie’s sexual health textbooks). 

Due to the graphic nature of such pictures, I have only linked to them here.

If these pictures are not enough to scare you into seeking medical treatment I do not know what else to tell you, except good luck in your future attempts to “pinch one off”!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  You should never be too embarrassed to tell your doctor anything!  S/he is the person you have trusted with your health; you must trust them with your behavior, too!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

This Little Bird Tweets Too Much

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who has been begging me for months to join Twitter, so I finally broke down and created an account just to shut her up. The cool thing is that I discovered I like it a lot more than I thought I would; the uncool thing is that my friend tweets at least a hundred times a day – I know because I counted!

“Jayne” will tweet about the most mundane things, like “Looked out the window and saw it was raining. Now I can’t go for a walk at lunch” or “Have to go to the bathroom. BRB.” These are things that nobody but Jayne actually cares to know, but she posts anyway. Literally everything Jayne does shows up on her Twitter feed, clogging the feeds of those who follow her. I tried unfollowing her, but she took it so personally it was like World War III so I added her back.

The worst part of Jayne’s behavior is that she almost never bothers to read things that other people post, and on the off chance she does she will only leave comments as they pertain to her. When I recently got a big promotion at work, I shared the happy news via Twitter. Instead of simply congratulating me like everyone else, Jayne ranted about how unfair life is; that she “deserves a big promotion" – just like in that old song 9 to 5!” Twitter limits each tweet to 140 characters, but Jayne gets around that by writing “(1/__)” at the end of one tweet and continues on in a second or even third tweet. When she in on a run, she can go seven or eight tweets just to complete a thought. She is really sucking the fun out of Twitter!

When I first accepted Jayne invitation to join Twitter, I thought it was because she wanted to keep up with my life and to banter back and forth with me. I now realize that she was just trying to increase her online audience and feed her own ego. I feel like I am being used, Tazi. I don’t want to quit Twitter, I just want to quit Jayne’s never-ending tweets. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Logging Off Of Jayne

Dear Logging Off Of Jayne:

Victims of Twitter addicts everywhere are nodding their heads in agreement, and are probably re-tweeting this column about the “Jayne” on their feed (at least I hope they are! I need the publicity!). Since unfollowing Jayne resulted in hurt feelings and discontent on her end, I would not suggest doing it again for the simple fact that it caused you enough discomfort to re-follow The Human Tweet Machine.

Here is a suggestion that will take some effort on your part – how much depends on how many people you follow and followers you have – but it could partially solve your Jayne issues: Set up a new Twitter account (using a different e-mail address) as your active account and leave your current account as your foil. It appears that Jayne is pretty self-absorbed and will not notice that you have created a second Twitter account where you connect with and follow those who interest you. This should solve the issue of Jayne hijacking your tweet feed; however, the issue of her self-centeredness remains.

If you are comfortable with Jayne just the way she is, you need go no further than creating a new Twitter account. If, on the other hand, you are uncomfortable with her constant need for an audience you will need to distance yourself from Jayne until you feel comfortable enough to stand up to her when she starts to steamroll on over you. Twice in your short letter you provide examples of how Jayne has bullied you – first into shining the spotlight on her; second by stealing the spotlight from you. This is something for you to think about going forward.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is This The Pot Calling Out The Kettle?

Dear Tazi:

I have a girlfriend that I love very much and who I would like to make my wife. There is just one thorn between us that we cannot seem to resolve. "Sheila" likes to smoke pot. She smokes it on a daily basis, several times a day. She claims that it relaxes her, and provides a host of medical benefits; however, these "medical benefits" have not been scientifically proven and I feel that she is actually harming her health. If she were to quit smoking pot I would drop to one knee in an instant.

The other side of this picture is that I like to drink beer. I do not drink hard liquor and, unlike pot, alcohol has scientifically proven medical benefits. I do not drink to excess - usually I will have no more than a six-pack a night - and I feel that the health benefits I derive from alcohol outweigh Sheila's objections that I may be harming my liver.

I have asked Sheila to stop smoking pot, and she has said she would - if I quit drinking. I believe that what she is asking is unreasonable, considering the fact that alcohol is not illegal and pot is. I think she only offered to quit smoking pot under these circumstances because she knew I would say no to giving up beer which, as I have mentioned, has proven medicinal effects.

What is your opinion, Tazi? Is Sheila being unreasonable or am I - as she claims - being a hypocrite?

Signed,
Beer Man

Dear Beer Man:

As much as I dislike marijuana and the many questionable studies done on it, I have to admit that it does have some redeeming qualities (it can work as a pain killer or to relieve anxiety; it cannot cure lung cancer). If Sheila is using marijuana in moderation and for a diagnosed medical condition such as anxiety or chronic pain and it offers her relief that she cannot get through legally acceptable medical means, than I condone the use of it. This, however, is a lot of "if's" and "and's".

As for your drinking habit - for that really is what it is - you should not try to excuse it with the reasoning that alcohol has medical benefits. Yes, it has been proven that a moderate intake of alcohol is beneficial; however, your intake is not considered "moderate" by any accepted scientific opinion! Two 12-ounce beers per day is considered the maximum amount of alcohol that should be imbibed before damage to one's liver and kidneys will start to occur. Your habit of "usually" not drinking "more than a six-pack a night" means you drink to excess on a regular basis, and any medicinal benefits you are receiving are overridden by the damage you are causing to your body.

Since you ask my opinion I will give it: I think you are being a hypocrite, and that you and Sheila both need to seek professional help - for your habits, and for your relationship. I would advise that neither of you consider marriage until you have learned to fight fair, and to respect each other. In other words, learn to see how you look through the eyes of the other, and move forward from there.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Do you even know for certain if Sheila would say yes to your marriage proposal? --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

May-December Romance In Limbo As Paths Divide

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is financially secure, sophisticated, charming, clean and sober, and fun. So what's the problem? Ours is not quite a May-December romance, but pretty close to it - I would call it May-late October. "David" is almost 25 years older than me; I am in my early thirties.

David and I have been dating four [sic] almost five years now, and I would like to settle down, get married, and have children before it is too late. David is divorced, has adult children from his marriage, and has no desire to father more children at this stage in life. Furthermore, every time I bring up the idea of marriage, David tells me that he is not ready to take that step; doubts he ever will be ready to take it again; and that I should not pin my hopes on such a future with him. I tried breaking up with him over this, but we were both miserable without each other so I came back to him. It was during our time apart that my dissatisfaction with this relationship really started to blossom.

David and I were broken up for about six months; during which time I dated other men who were closer to my age, and even a few years younger. Although they lacked David's worldly sophistication and bank account balance, it was nice to be with a man who could stay out until the city closed down for the night; who could have a few drinks without worrying that they would interfere with his Viagra; and who wasn't mistaken for my father every time we went somewhere where people didn't know us.

Now that David and I are back together, I find myself feeling restless; wishing that he was twenty years younger. Why can't I love him for who he is? I have thought about breaking up with him; but like you said in an earlier column, after Christmas comes Valentine's Day...and then my birthday, in March (and I will be darned if I miss out on a gift after spending another three months with him!)...then it's his birthday, in late April...then summer, and he owns a boat and has membership to a private beach club...then the next thing you know it's October and the holidays are approaching again! Am I shallow? I am not sure if it is my love of the material things David provides that keeps me by his side - or my love of him. What's your professional opinion, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Not A Gold-Digger?

Dear Not A Gold-Digger?

A few sessions with a mental health professional could help you delve deeper into what attracts you to David - be it his material wealth, his age, or just a natural attraction to the man that he is. If you grew up poor without a father-figure in your life, I could see why you would seek financial security and an older man. If you did not; well, again, a social worker or licensed counselor would be able to help you to see inside yourself. I sincerely suggest that you seek the services of one to help you figure out your heart and mind, for your sake and David's. It is not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where love of the person takes a back-seat to a love of material things.

Something you said that caught my attention was that the two of you were "both miserable without each other"; yet in the next paragraph you mention that during your six months apart you dated other men, and from the sound of it had the time of your life. What was it that was making you so miserable? If it was the lack of "worldly sophistication and bank account balance" accorded these men, then I would say the answer to your question is YES; it is your love of material things that keeps you by David's side.

If marriage and children is what you truly seek in life, than I would suggest that you wean yourself off of David, because he has made it clear that this is not the life he seeks, nor is it the life he wishes to provide for you.

--Tazi-Kat

This Blended Family Needs A Little Less "Stirring"

Dear Tazi:

I am a member of a "blended" family. I live with my mother, my step-father, and my step-sister. I adore my step-dad, and he really seems to like me, too. My step-sister and I get along great, and I call her my sister when my Mom isn't listening. Mom is the one problem with the blending of my family. For some reason, she dislikes "Cassie" and treats her like garbage, which results in Cassie not respecting Mom. My step-dad travels a lot for work, so he is not always around to see things, and we do not want him to know that "his girls" are having difficulties while he is away (my Mom never treats Cassie poorly when he is around!).

Cassie has told me she thinks of me as a sister, but that she can't stand my Mom. She has stopped short of calling my Mom names in front of me, but I have heard her use some nasty words with our friends. It makes me angry to hear someone call my Mom those names, but at the same time I can't defend my Mom because Cassie is right about the way my Mom treats her.

I have approached my Mom privately and asked her why she treats Cassie like she does, but she denied treating her "any differently" than she treats me. When I caught Mom talking down to Cassie for no reason, I pointed out the behavior, but then Mom just got angry with me and told me to mind my own business. Tazi, how my Mom treats Cassie IS my business! She is not only my step-sister, she is my friend. We are the same age (both 14) and in the same classes at school. I can see how my Mom's treatment is affecting Cassie, and it is not good. I want to tell my step-dad, but I really don't want to take sides against my Mom. What can I do, Tazi?

Signed,
Stuck In The Middle

Dear Stuck In The Middle:

You are a wonderful sister for wanting to keep harmony in your home, and a wonderful daughter for wanting to stand by your Mom; but all of this discord is leaving your life less than harmonious! What to do, what to do?

When your Mom married your step-dad, the two of them agreed not only to marry each other, but to take on the responsibility of parenting each other's children. If your step-father is traveling frequently, your mother could feel like he has simply dumped Cassie on her while he takes off to pursue a jet-setting lifestyle. Even though travelling for work is hardly ever pleasurable, to the people stuck at home with the day-to-day responsibilities of running the house and raising children it can appear quite glamorous. If this is the case, your mother might be taking this stress out on Cassie because she cannot - or will not - take it our on her true target: her husband.

It could be that your mother truly is not aware of how she treats Cassie, or it could be that she is insecure in her new marriage and Cassie is a reminder that her husband was once partnered with another woman. Either way, the air needs to be cleared in order for everyone to move forward. If Cassie has not done so already, she really needs to talk to her father - and her mother, if she is in the picture - about your mother's treatment of her, and her father needs to step-up to make certain that "his girls" really are doing alright while he is away.

If neither of you are comfortable approaching your parents about this issue, you could try talking to a trusted teacher, guidance counselor, or spiritual adviser. You mention that your mother's treatment of Cassie is noticeable at school; her teachers have most likely noticed the change in her attitude and/or behavior, as well. If Cassie cannot do this for herself, please step-up and do it for her. It will not be a betrayal of your mother; rather, it could be the saving grace that both she and Cassie need.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Restaurant Owner Has A "Teacup" Of Trouble On His Hands

Dear Tazi:

I have spent years as an Executive Chef in a fine restaurant and am finally realizing my dream of opening my own restaurant. I grew up with very little, worked my way through college and up the ladder of success, and am still a little nervous when dealing with the "upper crust". I guess there is still a little of that poor kid from Brooklyn still inside me.

As a Chef, I always worked in the kitchen and heard the stories that the servers and the Maitre 'D would discuss - not so much of bad food (I can understand personal tastes, and am always ready to "fix" a dish to the guest's preference) - but of poorly behaved guests. One of the more difficult issues is women who bring their dogs into the restaurant with them. I do not mean service animals, but purse-sized "teacup" dogs that they try to smuggle in and then feed from the table. Even if the Department of Health did not outlaw this practice, I would not allow it in my establishment. In addition to being unsanitary, customers have allergies and even the best trained dog can mess if it can't hold it in any longer.

In the past, I was always in the kitchen and never had to be the one to deal with an outraged customer who insisted that her "Fluffums" (it was always a woman) is well-behaved and would "simply go crazy" waiting in the car. The more the dining room staff tried to be polite about the situation the worse it would get, until someone at the table would step in and side with the staff. Being an established restaurant, this place could easily handle the threats made about "never coming here again". Right, lady...see you next week at your regular time and table!

As a new restaurant, my establishment is going to need some time to build up a reputation for service - thankfully, my reputation as a Chef follows me, but I am nervous about how to handle the potential dog problem. A sign saying "No Dogs Allowed" seems so bourgeois and is not in the image I seek to present. I realize you are a "cat", but do you have any solutions regarding dogs?

Signed,
Chef

Dear Chef:

Congratulations on the opening of your new restaurant! This must be both an exciting and stressful time for you. I admire the fact that you are looking to steer clear of any problems before they occur - that is the behavior of a successful business owner!

I realize that there are people who insist that their precious pooches are practically human, but there are health codes to uphold. Therefore, I have two words for you: doggie nursery. If you have a small room near the entrance (like a sizable coat room) or a heated outbuilding, you could outfit it as an area for patrons to "check" their dogs before entering the dining area. I realize it sounds crazy, but is no crazier than those who would bring a dog into a restaurant with them.

A few decades ago ago, my Mommie ran the child-care at a small, family-owned fitness facility. The big gyms thought it was crazy to have child care, until they started losing their female clients to the smaller gym with the child-care. Now, many gyms and fitness centers offer child-care as a part of membership. Obviously, you would have to have size/weight limits on the dogs (say, 8 pounds and under) but you could provide sleeping crates, toys, and other amenities (including a staff member to oversee it all) that will keep a dog busy for a few hours while its owner eats dinner. If the problem is as rampant as you make it sound, a doggie nursery could be a selling point for your customers.

If this idea is something that does not work for you, have your staff give a gentle reminder that there are "No Pets Allowed" when patrons call to make a reservation. If they still show up with a pet in tow, you have given them fair warning; have the Maitre 'D explain that the dog is not allowed in the dining room. Should the dog remain unnoticed until the party is seated, you should not feel nervous about approaching them and asking them to remove their dog from the dining area. Would you allow someone who is improperly dressed to enter your restaurant? Would you allow someone to remove his pants because he ate too much, and they were feeling too tight? If it helps, picture such a scenario as you approach the table or use such an analogy to remind the dog owner that you are not picking on them; you are simply enforcing the rules of the establishment and the Board of Health.

I wish you bon appétit et bon chance! with your new restaurant!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Repost: Tazi's Corner #60 - 4 Complaints (And 1 Compliment) About "300 Sandwiches"

Dear Readers:

I have been reading a lot lately about the blog 300 Sandwiches, and I have to say I am disappointed. For starters, with a title like “300 Sandwiches” I thought the blog would be about Spartan cooking; alas and alack, it was not. It is about a woman’s quest to earn an engagement ring from her boyfriend (who, incidentally is a professional chef), who has basically told her that if she learned to cook he would marry her; that she was “300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring”. The comment was an offhand one, so I can forgive the sexism that sometimes infiltrates long-term relationships, but the author – a writer for the most glorious newspaper feature ever, Page Six of the New York Post, took the guy seriously and started her campaign for marriage because her biological clock was (cue the Marisa Tomei visuals) TICKING, TICKING, TICKING!

Now I like me a good sandwich (even if I am not as ballsy as my big brother, Koko Kat, who has been known to jump up on the dining table and latch on to the tail end of a turkey sub), so I will admit to salivating over some of the photos I saw on the 300 Sandwiches Pinterest board…yet I was still left with a bad taste in my mouth over the whole concept of it, starting with the pressure Stephanie Smith, the author, feels to make these amazing works of art. She is not the chef, her boyfriend is; yet he wants her to prepare his meals when he is too tired to cook (in complete disregard that she may be equally tired). I can understand that after a full day of cooking the last thing he may want to do is come home and cook some more, but Smith has also put in a full day at work – and sometimes has to go out again at night, yet must pull off the construction of an artisan sandwich in heels and a party dress like she is some kind of modern-day June Cleaver.

You mean you don't wear heels and pearls to do the dusting?

My personal belief is that everyone – regardless of sex or gender – should know how to passably cook, even if they do not enjoy cooking. The fact of the matter is that there will come a time when you will be forced to prepare your own meals, be it because it is after midnight and the pizza delivery guy has gone home for the night or because you have been widowed after decades upon decades of marriage and will now follow your spouse in death if you do not learn how to prepare a ptomaine-free steak. Even I, with my lack of opposable thumbs, have learned that a meal can be secured if only I have the patience to chew through the bag of cat cereal! (Incidentally, I learned this shortly after learning that the humans do not think that 2 AM is the ideal time to fill my bowl). For this reason, I am happy that Ms. Smith is finally learning to cook, even if she never learns to love it. Her motivation is what concerns me, though.

Diet, schmiet!

Decades ago the late, great Ann Landers printed a list of rules for a happy marriage that a reader sent to her; she reprinted it in the 1980’s so a more enlightened America could have a good laugh over rules like “greet your husband with a drink and his newspaper when he gets home from work” and “stay a size 10 forever” (for the record, Ann’s 12 Rules were much more egalitarian).  While these “Reader’s Rules” may have flown when a woman’s only job was to be a homemaker and to look great while doing it, nowadays women work outside the home as well, and should not be expected to meet the antiquated standards of previous generations – yet this is the exact standard that the idea behind the 300 Sandwiches plan promotes. If this dynamic works for Smith and her boyfriend, than I believe that is their business, but her choice to publicize it makes it the public’s business, giving us the right to mind it. I argue that he made a sexist comment, she bought it, and now she must own the debate that surrounds it, criticisms and all.

In every relationship there are things one partner would love to change about the other. It has often been said that a man marries a woman hoping she will not change and that a woman marries a man and hopes that he will, thus explaining the high divorce rate in America because you cannot force someone to change without resentment building between the two of you; change needs to be something you strive for because you want it, with no outside strings attached. In the case of Smith and her 300 Sandwiches, an engagement ring is the carrot dangling from this particular string. This brings me to my final concern: the example this highly publicized plan sets.

All relationships demand compromise in order to run smoothly, but these compromises should be made from without, not from within. You should not have to change who you are in order to be pleasing to your mate; your mate should love you for who are, not in spite of who you are. While the point behind 300 Sandwiches is that cooking is a show of love, it should not be a forced show of love, an obligation to be met in return for the highest form of commitment one partner can make to the other. If Smith’s boyfriend wants to marry her, his proposal should not be because she has jumped through some kind of hoop to meet some kind of obligation he has set. What if, after the 300^th sandwich is presented to him, he is just not ready to follow through with his end of the deal and he leaves her over the pressure to fulfill a very public arrangement? What if he says yes to marriage but no to children, her ideal goal? Will she have to make another 300 sandwiches and hope he changes his mind? What about after the kids are born and she can’t lose the baby weight? Will the next sensational blog be about a woman who was too heavy for her partner, who in turn offered to marry her/agreed not to divorce her if she lost weight? Such conditional caveats are not the basis for a healthy marriage, yet popularize the idea that men can all be bought for the right price. Is the way to a man’s heart through his stomach? Do all men think with their genitals? Quite frankly, I think more men should be speaking up about how insulting this “300 Sandwiches” arrangement actually is!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Loved Slim Spouse, Is Not Attracted To Chubby Hubby

Dear Tazi:

I am a married woman, and I love my husband – I truly do – but after fifteen years of marriage he is no longer in the same physical shape that attracted me to him. “Aaron” has lost the athletic figure of his youth, putting on several unsightly pounds while allowing his muscles to go soft and flabby. While I continue to go to the gym three days a week, Aaron chooses to sit on the sofa drinking beer and eating pizza; he insists that he needs this time to relax after a stressful day at work.

I am no longer physically attracted to Aaron, and would like him to lose some weight. I just know that if he does that old spark will come alive once more and our marriage – stunted by the lack of bedroom activity – will once again be happy and healthy. Do you have any suggestions on how to get Aaron off the sofa and into the gym?

Signed,
Svelte Sylvia

Dear Svelte Sylvia:

One sure-fire way to fail at your goal of reconstructing your husband is to shut him out in the bedroom until he once again meets your physical specifications. If my lady friend had your attitude it would stress me to the point of vegging on the sofa with pizza and beer, too! That is, if I wasn’t neutered – but that’s beside the point!

Aaron did not lose his athletic cut overnight; it happened over a period of months or even years. Something had to trigger his loss of desire for exercising and eating right. Has he been screened for depression? Even mild depression can sap a person’s desire for physical and/or sexual activity, which would explain why your husband went from being Slim Goodbody to Chubsy Hubsy. Other reasons for the change could entail reasons inside or outside of the marriage, but the one thing that is for sure is that whatever the issue it is affecting your marriage.

Rather than push Aaron off of the couch and into the gym, why not sit down with him and ask what is stressing him so much? Ask when did these feelings of stress start and how you might help him overcome them. Whatever you do, do not tell him that you are no longer sexually attracted to him! Instead, express your concerns for his overall health; tell him that you love him and want to have him around for many years to come and that regular exercise and a healthy diet are a way to help make that happen.

In the end, it will be Aaron’s decision to exercise or not. You must ask yourself if you can accept him for worse as well as better, because what you have now may be as good as he’s going to get.

Perfunctory snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Uh-Oh! Heat From An Old Flame Warms Man's Heart

Dear Tazi:

I am 40 years old, and I am not sure if I am experiencing a mid-life crisis or simply long buried regret for the path not taken. Twenty years ago, I broke the heart of a wonderful young woman who loved me with all her heart. She was beautiful, kind, generous, and best of all she was the kind of person who would light up a room with her presence. I loved her, but was not ready to commit to one woman. I knew I would end up cheating on "Katie" (she was still in high school, while I had started college) so I did the respectful thing and turned her down when she asked me to her senior prom. I wanted to let her down easy, so I lied to her about why I could not go; the problem is, she knew I was lying and refused to speak to me all that summer. Our lives took us in different directions, and I did not see her for another four years.

As fate would have it, I ended up taking a college course with her and our paths crossed again. During this time, I discovered she was dating my sworn enemy. I know that sounds melodramatic, but the guy was a real piece of [work]. I told her very overprotective brother that the guy was bad news;  I was not certain what exactly would happen, but figuring I was looking out for Katie. Her brother confronted the guy, and told him to stay away from Katie. This confrontation eventually led to their break-up, and Katie found out the truth and was once again furious with me. I did not see Katie again for another five years, when I ran into her in the grocery store. I was hoping for a cheesy love song reunion, and although Katie was as sweet as ever to me she reminded me of the fact that I had gotten married since we last saw each other (something she had heard through the grapevine). That was ten years ago.

Fast forward to today and the truth is, even though I am married it is not a happy marriage; nor has it been for many, many years. My wife has grown round and matronly looking (our one child is a teenager, so it is not like she lost her figure to childbirth). She refuses to cover her gray hair, has developed a dour disposition, and just being with her makes me feel old. Meanwhile, Katie is as youthful looking as ever; with the same bright and happy personality that draws people to her. I know because I saw her working in her garden not that long ago, as I passed by her house on the way to a friend's place. I stopped to say hello, and discovered that Katie is still unmarried. Idiot that I am, I lied to her and told her my wife and I were separated. Katie expressed her sympathies, but not the romantic interest I was hoping.

It has been two weeks since I saw Katie, and I can't get her off of my mind. I make excuses to go over my buddy's place just so I can pass by Katie's house. I feel like she is the "one who got away" and am afraid I will spend the rest of my life wallowing in regret if I don't tell her how I feel about her: That I love her, always have loved her, and always will love her until the day I die. What do you suggest I do, Tazi?

Signed,
Missing Katie

Dear Missing Katie:

It appears you have discovered that life is very much unlike the romantic comedies you see in the movie theaters; that a When Harry Met Sally type of romance is highly unlikely, as love does not wait around for the faint of heart. If you are unhappy in your marriage, you need to work on fixing it. Looking at other women is not a cure for marital blues, nor is it a recipe for marital bliss.

You describe your wife as "round and matronly". I'm a cat and even I know that these are not words that any woman wants somebody using to describe her, let alone her husband! Perhaps she has allowed her hair to go grey because she feels unattractive and figures what's the use? Even though Katie is "as youthful looking as ever" this does not mean that she has not aged, as well. Perhaps Katie works in her garden as physical therapy for her hip replacement or as a distraction from alcohol dependency. You have not spoken with the woman on a regular basis in over fifteen years. People change; so how can you say that you are still in love with her? Are you certain that you are not in love with the memory of the woman she once was? Remember, she was still in high school when you first met her! And what is it about this woman that makes you tell such lies?

A mid-life crisis is a combination of things, often including regrets for the path not taken, so it is a possibility that you are experiencing both an emotional crisis and regret. The first step in moving forward is to talk to your wife. It is possible that the last several years have been no picnic for her, either. Whether your marriage is to survive or be dissolved is an issue the two of you need to decide together - without considering Katie, who is obviously a disinterested party in more ways than one. Should you and your wife decide to separate, I suggest you give Katie a wide berth until the storm of emotions has calmed and you are able to think with a clear mind; should you decide to stay together, I recommend that you erase all memory of Katie's home address and concentrate your attentions on your wife.

-- Tazi

Racist At The Coffee Shop Needs To Be Grounded

Ed. Note: This article is being reprinted in memory of Maya Angelou, who fought the erase the hate. May her legacy live on in us.

Dear Tazi:

I have a coffee-shop acquaintance that I will call "Archie". He is one of several who gather for caffeine and conversation, mostly political, at our local non-alcoholic watering hole. Most of us are white, retired professionals, but all races and walks of life are welcome and we do not discriminate on any basis - except for Archie.

Archie is a racist. The man jokes that he "won't even take his coffee black", and always quotes statistics on how the black people of this country are the root cause of all social ills. Abortion? [According to Archie] Black people have the highest rate of it. Poverty? [According to Archie] Black people make up the majority of the welfare rolls. Fatherless households? Well, you get the picture. Archie always has percentages and numbers to make his arguments sound believable; but is never able to remember his sources, always telling us that "the mainstream media will never tell you the truth. You need to read the alternate sources".

We - and other patrons of this particular coffee shop - tolerate Archie because he is the owner's father, and we do not wish to punish a young entrepreneur by withholding our business; but what Archie said recently about the late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was out of control, and needs to be addressed.

As a group, we were discussing the Arab Spring, which led to a comparison of the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960's, and the question of whether or not the Occupy Wall Street movement could be as successful as either - typical political debate - when Archie claimed that Dr. King was a "reverse racist" who hated white people; that the FBI was investigating him; that his PhD was honorary; that he wasn't even a real minister, that he had dropped out of the seminary; and that Martin Luther King was not his father's given name, so "how could he be a 'junior'?". A stony silence was the response we all gave, and as a group we all got up and distanced ourselves from Archie.

As I have said, we do not wish to patron another coffee shop; but we can't see ourselves rejoining Archie - who comes with the place - in political debate. Do you have a rejoinder with which I might present Archie? Educated debate does not work on the man, nor does presenting him with academically acceptable materials (which he considers "mainstream" and therefore biased). As a retired college professor, I find the man's ignorance astounding. I would like to ignore him, but that doesn't feel right; yet I am unable to reach him through traditional means. Might you have some ideas that I am overlooking? I am in my late seventies, and admit that Internet research is not my forte.

Signed,
The Professor

Dear Professor:

You get one paw up on your desire to educate, for it was Dr. King himself who said, "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." (By the way, his doctorate was not an honorary; he earned a PhD in Philosophy from Boston University in 1955. His Bachelors in Divinity was from Crozer Theological Seminary in Chester, Pennsylvania, 1951). The other paw stays down, due to your tolerance of racism up to this point.

Where Archie is getting his "facts" on issues like abortion, poverty, welfare, etc. is questionable. I would suggest that you ask him to produce his sources the next time he decides to sound off on something. Use words he will understand: Put up or shut up! Raw statistics never tell the full story, nor the reasoning behind the numbers - they are just numbers. Whereas there is a crisis in the Black community with regard to absentee fathers and abortion (might there be a connection?); according to the U.S. House of Representatives Ways and Means Committee, white people actually make up the plurality of America's welfare rolls. Is the U.S. Government Printing Office too mainstream a media source for Archie?

As for Archie's comments on Dr. King's credentials, it appears he gets his information from very questionable, completely un-sourced articles written by authors with no searchable credentials. When I Google searched "Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr." and "not a minister", I found a hate-speech links sponsored by the ironically titled website "JesusIsSavior.com". When I did a Google Scholar search for the same, I found nothing. Ditto with a Lexis-Nexis search, JSTOR search, and other highly respected search engines. Does Archie consider scholarly journals to be "mainstream media" as well? If so, it would appear that his mind is closed to all sources but his own.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. As for not wanting to punish the son for the sins of the father: While this is admirable, I am sure that there are others who are not so sympathetic. You would do well to complain to the owner. If enough people start taking their business elsewhere, he will have no choice but to "ground" his father.

Average Joe Wonders If His Perfect 10 Is For Real

Dear Tazi:

I can't decide if my girlfriend is with me because she loves me or because I spend a lot of money on her. On the one hand, she never wants to get physical with me; which makes me believe that she is with me for the money, but on the other hand she is devoutly religious - so it could just be her religious views that are keeping our relationship a chaste one. Here are the rest of the facts:

She is an absolute knock-out - tall and leggy, blonde hair, bright green eyes, and an amazing body; I am an average looking guy who is starting to lose his hair.

She is very popular, and loved by everybody; I am the kind of guy that thinks people like having him around, but my friends tell me that my personality can get really annoying and that I need to tone it down a notch.

She works an average job for average pay and hopes to one day be a stay-at-home Mom and a work-from-home professional; I make six-figures, enjoy my career, and could easily afford to have my wife stay at home.

We have only been together for six months, but she is the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with - which is why I lavish her with expensive gifts, like jewelry; car repairs; designer clothes; and other goodies. I would like to ask her to marry me, but I can't get past the idea that she is using me for my money and her religion as an excuse to keep me at arms length. I have thought of cutting back on the gifts, but them she might think I am angry with her or worse, losing interest in her. What do you think, Tazi? Could she really love me for me? Or am I just fooling myself?

Signed,
Average Joe

Dear Average Joe:

Before you jump to conclusions, examine the situation at hand. You say your girlfriend (can we give her a name?) is devoutly religious. Does "Lauren" (as I am going to call her) attend services regularly? Volunteer at her church? In essence, does she practice what she preaches - beyond remaining chaste? If the answer is yes, then I would say that she is indeed genuine and with you because she cares about you and can see a future with you. If however the only time she ever comes close to practicing her religious beliefs is when you make a move on her, the answer is probably one you do not want to hear.

There are many ways to express affection for a person without spending gobs of money on them. Cooking a homemade dinner, slipping a love note in her purse, surprising her by washing her car and topping off the gas tank are all free or low cost ways of showing a woman that you love and appreciate her. If there is something that she truly desires - such as a beautiful pair of birthstone earrings or a new dress to wear to church - you can purchase it as a gift for a special occasion. This way, the gift-giving will not be such a one-way street.

If you fear that Lauren will think you are upset with her if you slow down the flow of presents, you need to communicate to her that this is not the case. From the sound of your letter, you suffer from issues of self-worth - sometimes having too much, other times not enough - which could impede your ability to both express yourself and understand what others are telling you. The next time something is on your mind, talk to Lauren about it and honestly listen to how she answers. Sincerity cannot be faked, and you should be able to tell if she is being truthful with you, or simply telling you what you would like to hear. This should give you an idea about her true feelings for you, and tell you in which direction you should head - to the alter, or towards the exit.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It Can Be Difficult To Practice What Is Preached - Especially When Money Is At Stake

Dear Tazi:

I have been raised Baptist, but am considering changing my religion to become a Buddhist. I have been studying the lessons of Buddha in my Eastern Philosophy class this semester, and I can really relate to them - much better than I can relate to my own religion. The problem is, as I am sure you can guess, breaking the news to my family; especially my grandparents, who are pretty devout...and pretty rich. I am pretty certain they would disavow me from their will, which right now leaves me a pretty hefty inheritance. As you can see, the situation is not pretty at all.

I have considered converting and just not telling my family about it until after my grandparents (who are quite elderly) have passed, but this feels dishonest. Maybe I should simply wait until after they have passed to convert? What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Seeking Inner Peace

Dear Seeking Inner Peace:

There is a lot I could say with regard to your letter, but I will keep it simple and respond with a quote from Buddha himself: A jug fills drop by drop. I don't mean to sound as confounding as Buddha; but if I am, let me explain further: You are at an age where you are starting to question everything, most especially the beliefs with which you were raised, as you seek to exercise your free will. You have been raised in the Baptist church your whole life - and that is a lot of drops in your jug - whereas you have studied Buddhism for all of one semester; that is very few drops. A jug fills drop by drop.

The tone of your letter tells me that you are not yet ready to own your decision to convert to Buddhism; which means you are not yet ready to convert. It is also obvious that you are not ready to let go of the physical (money) wonders of your world and experience the esoteric (spiritual) wonders of Buddhism, which also means that you are not ready to convert to Buddhism. Rather than make the radical decision to change your religion, why not try and incorporate the beliefs of Buddhism into your daily life? They are compatible with all religious beliefs (with the glaring exception of Satanism) and can help to improve your relationship with yourself as well as with others. Remember, as Buddha said, "However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?".

In time, if you find that you want a more active relationship with Buddhism, that will be the time to delve deeper into the idea of a conversion.

Snuggles,
Tazi

With appreciation to BrainyQuote.com for the wise words of Buddha Shakyamuni. --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Memorial Day Message From Tazi

Dear Readers:

Today is Memorial Day, a day to remember those who fought and died for our freedoms, including the freedom to protest our own government. Whatever your political stripes are – Republican Red, Democrat Blue, or Third Party White – please take the time today to remember those who gave all on foreign soil to ensure the continued safety of those back home; for they are not here to remind you of their sacrifice.

We live in an era where war on foreign soil is questioned. Why are we there? What business do we have invading a sovereign country and establishing a new government, modeled after our own no less? Our military who risked all and even gave all may also have asked these same questions, but when duty called they answered; putting aside their personal feelings in favor of support of their country. How many of us today would be willing to submit to conscription as a requirement of citizenship?

There is a reason that the men and women of World War II – it was their forefathers for whom Memorial Day was started – are called The Greatest Generation, for it was they that put liberty before their personal beliefs; before their own lives; and accepted the role into which fate had cast them - willing or not, they answered when called. Who will replace them, now that they are almost all gone?

Heroes are now being forged on the battlegrounds of the Middle East. Will we recognize them when we see them? Or will we bring our protests to their feet upon catching sight of their uniform? We all praise Seal Team 6; want to be like them! How many children dressed up as them for Halloween; how many men joined training camps that pushed members through a Navy SEAL workout? How many of us know the names of the individual members of Seal Team 6? How many of us know the names of the casualties who served with them? How many of us have thanked them for their service and sacrifice? How many of us have thanked any veteran of the Gulf Wars, for stepping up when asked?

All the flowery words and heartfelt sentiments that will be published today will mean nothing if we do not take the time to think of the history behind them; if we do not take the time to ask ourselves, “What if…?”

What if...
The United States did not enter World War II?

What if…?
The United States had not entered the Korean War (aka the Korean Conflict)?

What if…?
The United States had stayed out of Viet Nam?

What if…?
The United States had stayed out of the Middle East – both times?

None of these wars were fought on American soil; none of these wars affected the day-to-day lives of the average American – they were not our business, yet we made them our business and by doing so changed the lives of those whose day-to-day lives were affected by war and dictatorships; we changed the lives of Americans who bore the brunt of the sacrifices that war brings. Whether these lives were changed for better or worse, only history can judge; but still, I am left to question…

If not for American involvement…
Would Great Britain and France have fallen to the Third Reich?
Would Nazi Germany, empowered by victory over the European continent, dared to have attacked American soil?
Would the Jewish religion still be in wide practice today, or would it have fled underground out of fear of extermination?

These are questions I prefer not to think upon, and thanks to the sacrifices made by our Veterans they are questions I do not have to ask. I wish you all a blessed Memorial Day, offer a humble thank you to our veterans, and ask that you remember those who went before...because all gave some, and some gave all.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #46 - Resolving First World Problems

Dear Readers,

This week while exploring the new Tazi Sack my Mommie got for her birthday, I ran across a First World Problem or two. The first First World Problem was my Mommie telling me that her new designer purse is not, as I had thought, a new travel bag for me. I personally think that I should be allowed to travel in style, and a Guess? by Georges Marciano purse is just the style I like, so I decided to slip into it anyway and hope that Mommie would think the extra weight was just her tablet or the latest Ken Follett book she is reading, or any number of things that I removed from her new purse in order to make room for me. First World Problem solved!

If your purse isn't big enough to fit the cat,
what is the point of carrying it?

It was while on an adventure to the supermarket deli that I ran into a second First World Problem. As an advice columnist, I am used to solving other people’s problems, and not being able to puzzle through an answer to this one left me with my very own First World Problem – mild frustration, but that is another story for another time. Here is how the scenario I reference played out:

Mommie: I would like a ½ pound of baked ham, please; a little under is OK, a little over is not.

Deli Girl: OK!

The Deli Girl started to slice the meat, and I thought she would stop at .49 pounds. Surely she knew that an extra slice would tip the scales over and upset my Mommie, who does not like to order more food than she knows she can eat! The Deli Girl did not stop slicing, though, and actually added on two more slices of ham. In what world does she live where two slices of baked ham weight .01 ounces? To put that in international terms, that is less than ½ gram of ham. Consequently, Mommie’s order was over and she had to ask the Deli girl to remove a few slices.

Mommie: I asked for ½ a pound or a little under. .49 pounds was fine, why did you slice two more pieces?

Deli Girl gives Mommie a blank stare.

Mommie: Could you remove those last two slices, please?

Deli Girl: You don’t want them?

Mommie: That depends, are you giving them to me for free?

Deli Girl: No, why would I do that?

Mommie: Because you had the correct amount and then proceeded to add more, so unless you are giving it to me for free I do not want it. I am not going to pay money for something that will go bad before I can eat it.

A few days later Mommie returned to the same supermarket deli for some chicken salad, because she is too uncoordinated to make it herself; she always adds too much mayonnaise (wow, another First World Problem!). This time, she asked for a ½ pound or under of the brand name chicken salad, because the store brand invariably has chunks of bone and cartilage in it (wow, yet another First World Problem!). She went through the same script with a different Deli Girl and got the same exact response – too much chicken salad and having to ask the Deli Girl to remove some of it because Mommie was not going to pay for food that she was not going to eat. This got me thinking.

I was thinking that perhaps this national supermarket chain trained its deli workers to give customers more than they wanted, thinking nobody would complain and ask that the extra be removed, thus upselling the customer against their will. Unethical, but effective. I suggested to Mommie that she try the small, locally owned grocery store for our next food-based sojourn. Like all intelligent humans, she took my advice and went to a small, locally owned grocery store.

On this particular day Mommie was looking to buy some ham salad for lunch because even though there was a refrigerator full of food at home, she apparently had “nothing to eat”. (I love my Mommie, but she is just full of First World Problems, isn’t she? I digress, don’t I?). Anyhow, on this particular day, Mommie asked the deli Guy for ¼ pound of ham salad. Here is how the conversation went:

Mommie: The ham salad looks really good. Could I please have a quarter pound of it?

Deli Guy: No problem!

Deli Guy then scoops an entire ½ pint container full (in international terms, this would be approximately 225 grams; she wanted half of that). When Mommie sees that the Deli Guy has given her double what she asked for, she politely told him it was too much for her to eat.

Mommie: Oh! I asked for a ¼ pound, this is  a half-pound! I couldn’t possibly eat that much for lunch!

Deli Guy: Oh, sorry. Do you want to save it for later?

Mommie: I have no refrigeration at work, and it is a hot day. It will go bad by “later”. An animal died for my meal, I am not going to disrespect its sacrifice by throwing away the excess. Please remove it.

Deli Guy: No problem, it’s just that nobody has ever said anything before.

Nobody has ever said anything about being sold more food than they can eat? How much food do humans waste every year because it starts to go bad before they can eat it? I have seen the Ziploc commercials, and it appears to be quite a lot! A study released in 2012 shows that Americans throwaway nearly 40% of the food they buy! That is almost HALF of all the food they buy, and I am wondering if the upsell at the deli is contributing to this waste!

Wasted food is not a First World Problem. Too many people – in America and around the world – suffer from food insecurity, which is not having enough food to satisfy your body’s needs, or starvation diets due to a lack of food. That rancid meat you throw away was once a living creature; respect its sacrifice by only buying what you know you will eat. That moldy bread you threw away could have been donated, while still fresh of course, to a food pantry where someone who cannot afford a loaf of bread would have feasted upon it for a week. Those rotting vegetables could have been served as a nutritious main course as an alternative to meat, which humans eat way too much of, according to nutrition experts.

Americans like to complain about the high cost of food and how it keeps getting higher, yet they continue to throw out almost half of what they buy. I wish I could say this is a First World Problem, but from the view of someone living in a Third World country it is more than that; it is a sin. 

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Being Overweight Is Not An Excuse For Abuse

Dear Tazi:

I am a woman in my twenties. My whole life I have been on the chubby side, which has had an effect on my self-esteem. Because of this, I have never felt comfortable dating; so I do not have much experience with men. For the past few months I have been dating a man I will call “James” who is everything a woman could want in a man. How I managed to snag him, I have no idea; but he is as committed to me as I am to him…or at least I think he is.

James tells me that if I loved him as much as he loves me, I would work harder to lose weight. He says he wants me to be as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside; and that I have a pretty face, but it’s tainted by my "lumpy figure". Tazi, I have tried dieting and exercise; and it works for a while; but then I start to miss my favorite snacks, or I am just not in the mood to go to the gym and I slide back into my bad habits and put back on all the weight that I lost.

My Mom tells me I need to stop dieting to please someone else and start doing it to please me; but I am not unhappy with my weight – at least, not unhappy enough to commit to a diet and exercise program that will maintain my perfect weight. My best friends tell me to dump James; that I can do so much better than a man who tells me I am fat, but James have never actually used that word. Besides, it is like I already said, James is everything a woman could want in a man; and I think my friends are just jealous that in spite of the fact that they are all perfect looking I am the one who landed God’s gift to women!

Do you have any suggestions on how to motivate myself to stick to a diet and exercise program? I would like to lose 15 pounds and be bikini-ready for summer!

Sincerely,
Chubby Lovey

Dear Chubby Lovey:

I have a great suggestion on how to lose a TON of weight fast – drop the millstone around your neck. You know, the one you call “James” because the man is bringing you down! Just because you are overweight does not give him the right to be mentally abusive towards you. If James cannot accept you for who you are, he has no business dating you.

It sounds to me that James gets a sick thrill out of putting you down and trying to control you by controlling your weight. Admittedly, he has never called you “fat”; but “lumpy” isn’t exactly a compliment, now is it? It does not matter how much weight you lose, it will never be enough for James; he will always see you as somehow less than perfect. Your friends are looking at the situation from an outside point of view, so please do not dismiss them so quickly – they may be seeing something that you do not. Trust me when I tell you that they are not jealous, but merely concerned about you.

Twice you say James is “everything a woman could want in a man”, yet you do not describe his positive attributes. Are you certain that this “God’s gift to women” did not just tell you that he is all that, and has you believing him? Your low self-esteem could be affecting your judgment. You tell me that you and James have only been dating for “the past few months” but claim that you are committed and deeply in love. Far be it for me to question the depth of your love for each other, but I have to say that James sounds like he has the depth of a puddle. I would tread gingerly if I were you.

Since you ask me for some diet and exercise tips, I will tell you what I know, and what you have already discovered: there is no silver bullet when it comes to permanent weight loss and maintenance. Some people are blessed with wonderful metabolisms that allow them to eat whatever they want and not gain weight – those people are generally called teenagers, and they outgrow it as they age. For the rest of us a regular, manageable regimen of diet and exercise is required to stay physically and mentally fit.

You do not have to go to the gym daily – three days a week is optimal – nor do you have to completely give up your favorite snacks; just indulge in them as a treat or reward for accomplishing a goal, not as an every-day part of your diet. Unless there is something wrong with your hormonal balances (a visit to the doctor could check this for you), you should start to notice a difference in your weight within a week or two. In order to stay motivated, try hanging your bikini on the refrigerator door as a reminder of what you are working to achieve. It is my hope that once you start to lose weight, your self-esteem will improve; I am with your mother on this one – if you want to lose weight, you must do it to please yourself and not anybody else.

Snuggles,
Tazi

James is being awarded a Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust! Here it is... -T.K.




Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.