Relocating Means Learning New Language, Overcoming Old Prejudices

Dear Tazi:

A few months ago I accepted a job transfer to Miami, thinking the change of scenery (and escape from an upstate New York winter) would be a nice change of pace. The one thing I forgot to count on is the fact that Miami is no longer a part of the United States, at least it seems that way.  With more people speaking Spanish than English, I feel like I have moved to Cuba.  I believe that in America we should speak English, but my beliefs are not going to help me get by in this new city where I do not know anybody and do not speak the predominant language.  I feel like an immigrant in my own country, and am very, very frustrated.

I am trying very hard to overcome my anger at those who have moved here to America - legally or illegally - and have not learned English, but it is hard.  Why should I have to learn Spanish when the official language of America is English?  Why shouldn't people who speak Spanish have to learn English?  I am in my forties, and learning a new language is not easy at my age.

People have mentioned that I try Rosetta Stone, but that program is very expensive and I am not sure how I would do in a self-guided program.  I do not have time to take a class at the community college, and I really need to learn at least conversational Spanish to get around this city.  In past columns, you have mentioned that your Mommie is learning Spanish.  Can you tell me any of her secrets for learning this new language?  Or is she failing as badly as I am at trying to learn Spanish?

Signed,

No Habla Español 

Dear No Habla Español:

First let me state for the record that, due to my bearing the onus of an inordinate amount of neglect, my Mommie is doing very well in her attempts to learn Spanish!  Mi mamá trabaja mucho! Before I share some of her tips for learning a new language - I have not decided if you are worthy of them yet - I would like to address the attitude I sense coming from your letter.

To start, you are incorrect in stating that English is the "official language" of the United States.  The U.S. has no official language; English is simply the most commonly spoken one and the most agreed upon for government use as it is the traditionally used language within our borders.  There are those who argue that America should pass legislation declaring English as our official language, but until that happens your argument is on shaky ground.

There are different areas in America where the predominant culture dictates the language most spoken - a good example of this would be among the Amish, who speak a German dialect among themselves and within their communities.  This does not mean that they cannot speak English (they can, and they do when the occasion calls for it), which brings me to another point: you assume that simply because someone is speaking Spanish that they are unable to speak English; this is not always correct.  Many immigrants and first generation Americans are bi-lingual and even poly-lingual, putting the language skills of the native born to shame.

You mention that you are in your forties and that learning a new language at your age is hard.  Many who immigrate to America come here not as children, but as adults and experience the same difficulty learning English that you are experiencing learning Spanish.  It is for this reason that Spanish speaking communities form, eliminating the need to learn English in order to go about one's day to day business.  Again, this is not to say that nobody in those communities speaks English; I suggest you work to find businesses that are bilingual in English-Spanish and patron them while you work to improve your Spanish.  Who knows?  The business owners may even assist you with your Spanish while you are in their stores.

You are right to feel like an immigrant in your own country, because technically you have immigrated to a new community.  Even if that community spoke English, it would be a very different form of English than what you speak in upstate New York; you would have to learn how to interpret the local verbiage and work through the differences in your accents in order to make yourself understood and to understand others.

Being immersed in a new language is actually the best way to learn it - after all, it is how you learned your first language.  The next time you find yourself lost in the world of a new language, try to put aside your anger, fear, and panic and truly listen to what is being said.  Many Spanish words are part of the English language, and many Spanish words sound similar to English words; try to put these words into the context of the situation.  Do not be afraid to tell people that you do not speak Spanish, and ask them to speak slowly (habla despacio, por favor!).  Use as many physical props as possible to get your message across, and listen to the words used in response.  This is a great way to increase your vocabulary.  In time, as your vocabulary increases, your grammar will also improve.

Now, as for how Mommie is managing to do so well in her Spanish class: She first worked on building her vocabulary.  Her Spanish textbook keeps words in groups - physical traits, academic topics, rooms in the house, etc.  She learns each group in turn, and then uses them when speaking to me.  Over the past few months I have learned that I come la comida para gatos (eat cat food); duerme sobre una manta (sleep on a blanket) and that I can be a dolar en el culo! (pain in the...HEY!!!  That is not nice!).

Once you learn some vocabulary, you can learn how to conjugate each verb.  A book like Spanish for Dummies can be very helpful, as can a Spanish to English dictionary, many of which are free online.  The key to retaining what you learn is to practice every day.  Mommie talks to me in Spanish, and reviews the stuff that is giving her trouble right before she goes to bed; while sleeping, her brain untangles the problem and things generally make sense in the morning.

I realize that you say you do not have the time to take a class, but this really is the best way to learn a new language if immersion is not working for you.  Many colleges offer Spanish classes online, so you  do not have to worry about making it to a set class time each week - just about completing the assignments and practicing, practicing, practicing!!!  Perfection will not come overnight, but nobody is expecting that of you.  The fact that you are making an effort will be noticed, and go a long way towards helping you gain acceptance in your new community.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is He The Father, Or Is She A Scam Artist?

Dear Tazi:

I met my husband of four years in church.  Like many people, he had a "past" and had come to the Church seeking forgiveness and renewal.  While we were dating, "Thomas" informed me of his loose behaviors and assured me that he was a changed man.  His commitment to me and to God are truly astounding, and I know that my husband is now as pure a man as a human can possibly be; I have long since accepted his past, as I know it led him to becoming the man he is today.

We have been trying to conceive for two years, and have realized that children are probably not in our future.  After much soul-searching and prayer, we had come to accept this idea when out of the blue a woman from Thomas' past contacted him and informed him that he is the father of her twelve year old son; that the boy has become an out of control "punk" and that she can no longer handle him by herself.  She demanded that Thomas "man up" and be a father to his child - starting with twelve years of back child support payments.

Tazi, we were both surprised to hear that Thomas has a son, and are more than happy to make him a part of our family, especially after giving up all hope of ever having children; however, we are not in a position to pay twelve years of back child support for a child we only just found out existed!  Thomas is angry that this woman from his past never contacted him before now, and is justifiably upset and feeling like his son was stolen from him by this woman, who had been a one night stand.  In all fairness, Thomas says he never gave out his phone number to women he "hooked up with" back then.

When Thomas asked how this woman had found him, she responded that she had tracked him down through Facebook and that she had been searching for him for years.  Tazi, she could not have been searching very hard - Thomas was always listed in the phone book and has several friends and acquaintances in our small town.  Before he reformed, he could always be found at the same bar, seven nights a week.  Because she never told Thomas of his son's existence and never made a claim of paternity, we feel that Thomas does not owe a dime in back child support.  When Thomas told his son's mother this, she broke down and cried saying she could not afford a lawyer to sue him for the money, and that she needed it to pay her mortgage or her house would end up in foreclosure.

Tazi, my husband and I are starting to feel like this woman only "found" him because she is hurting for money and thought him an easy target.  Going forward, we would like to play a part in this boy's life and to let him know that his father did not abandon him.  We have offered to start a college fund for him (as a way of making up for back child support) but all the boy's mother said was "that doesn't do me any good now!"

I hate to even think it, but I am starting to think that this woman is a scam artist.  Thomas does not remember her, but to his (dis?)credit, he admits to having "a lot of one night stands back in the day".  We have suggested going to court to prove paternity and  arrange for joint custody and visitation, but this woman just freaked out and accused us of trying to take her son away from her.  We have talked to the boy on the phone, but have yet to meet him in person.  Do you think we are being scammed, Tazi?  Should we contact an attorney - or even the authorities?

Signed,
Wanting to Do the Right Thing

Dear Wanting to Do the Right Thing:

Infertility can be heartbreaking, but please do not let your eagerness to start a family lead you down a path of deceit.  I cannot say if this woman is a scam artist or not, but things do not sound all that kosher to me.  However, your husband's past plays a part in this soap opera, too, complicating what should be a very easy issue to solve.

Thomas is either the father to this child or he is not.  The fact that he has been absent for the first twelve years of the boy's life is not his fault, and it is admirable that you both wish to make amends by starting a college fund for the boy.  Before you do any of this, you should contact a reputable family law attorney.  A simple, painless DNA test will establish paternity of the child your husband has supposedly fathered and you can move forward from there.

If Thomas is not the child's father, you will need to decide whether or not to call your local authorities.  I believe that you should.  This woman could be a scam artist or she could honestly believe that your husband fathered her child, and she is now in a desperate enough place that she needs his help.  She mentioned that her son is a "punk", which means she could be looking for more than money; she could be looking for a father for her son.  The fact that she does not wish to involve the courts leaves me wary of her intentions.

If your husband did indeed father this boy, a court will rule on child support payments - past and future - as well as a visitation schedule and custody issues.  I think your idea of setting up a college fund for the boy is a wonderful idea, and should be presented to the judge, if it comes to that point.  You and your husband will both need to reassure the boy's mother that you do not seek to replace her in her son's life, that you simply seek to be an added part of his life.  It is your husband's right as a father, and I am happy to see that you are embracing the idea of being a stepmother.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Wants To Know Why Men Keep Hitting On Her

Dear Tazi:

I am a busy, divorced Mom of an active son so I will be short, sweet, and to the point: How come men are coming out of woodwork - everyone from a nurse at the hospital  to a father in my son's class - and asking me "out" in not so polite terms. I'm not flirting or wearing anything remotely sexy and yet I'm getting requests everywhere; it's starting to be a pain!  Mind you I have a claddagh ring on left hand ring finger that is very classy, and custom made for me. I should also state that I have made it clear to these men that I am in a committed relationship, but that still hasn't stopped them.

Signed,

Getting Tired Of All This Attention:

Dear Getting Tired Of All This Attention:

Your claddagh ring sounds lovely, but are you sure that you are wearing it correctly?  According to DiamondRingr.com, this traditional Irish ring is to be worn on the right hand, with the hands and heart facing outward if you are single/looking and inward if you are in a committed relationship or married. If your ring is facing outward, men in the know about this tradition could see it as a signal to make a move.  This, however, does not excuse their use of crude and ungentlemanly language.  A Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust to them!

A Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust is like a Hallmark® card, only more honest!

If your claddagh ring is properly positioned and men are still coming onto you in not so polite terms, I suggest you tell them that "my boyfriend doesn't like it when other men talk to me that way, and neither do I!"  From there, calmly walk away or, if that is not possible, turn away from them so they know you are not interested.  If they continue to pursue you, do your best to ignore them.  Once they realize you are not playing hard to get their fervor will hopefully die.

This last step is very, very important: no matter how much a man continues to vie for your attention, you must ignore him.  The moment you give in to his desire for attention you give him power over you.  Just a spoiled child knows that Mommy will break down buy him a toy if he throws a tantrum, an unscrupulous man will learn what to do to break through your emotional armor and use it against you until you concede to having a conversation with him...or a drink...or dinner...or...(mind you, I am not saying all men are unscrupulous, but from the way you describe the way these men have been hitting on you they do not sound like gentlemen!).

As for how you act and dress, sometimes, all a woman has to do is smile and be friendly for a man to think that she is interested in him.  It is not for you to change your demeanor, but for the men who take it the wrong way to hold their horses and look for actual signs of interest and not interpret common courtesy as a green light into your bed.  Until these neanderthals catch on to the fact that you are not flirting with them, be sure to pepper your conversations with references to your partner and to flash that claddagh ring like a rapper flashes his bling!

Don "Magic" Juan would fit right in with the People of WalMart!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Wants To Keep Plan To Drop Out A Secret

Dear Tazi:

I have not been doing well in school this year. As of my last report card I was failing two subjects and my grades have not improved any. My parents have refused to pay for summer school again (I went last summer) which means I will have to stay back a year. I can't stand school and I want to drop out. I know that this is a bad idea and that, in my state at least, you need to be 18 before you can test for a GED. I am only 16 1/2 which would mean I would have to wait a year and a half in limbo without a diploma or a GED.

I know a lot of employers will not hire a high school drop-out, so I was thinking about not officially dropping out. This way I can remain on the school roster as a student and work full-time at the same time. This would mean I have to work nights and weekends, but I would at least be able to establish myself in a job and prove what a good worker I am so when the boss finds out I dropped out of high school he wouldn't be so mad. Also, I could keep the fact that I have dropped out from my parents by pretending to go to school in the morning and then coming home to sleep while they are at work.

I am pretty sure my plan is fool-proof, but I wanted to run it by someone before I do it. I don't want to tell anyone because my Mom always says that once you tell someone a secret it is no longer a secret. Can you see any downfalls with my plan?

Signed,
Ready For The Real World

Dear Ready For The Real World:

Starting life in the "real world" based upon a lie is not a good way to start at all. If you are not brave enough to own your decisions than you are not brave enough to face the world on its terms. Based upon the poor grammar and number of spelling errors (all of which I corrected) I am going to assume that English is one of the subjects you are failing. Having a poor grasp on this subject is going to limit the types of job for which you will qualify. Even if your job does not require you to write, most jobs require you to be able to understand written instructions. This is where a high school education will come in handy.

I commend you on your plan to test for a GED, but there is no guarantee that you will pass the test, and you will have to study for it, just as you would for any other test you take in school. The only difference is that this test is a much larger one with a lot more riding on it.

If you were to work full time and not attend school, you would eventually be dropped from the rolls. Depending on your school district you may be dropped after as little as one month of unexcused absences. In the meantime, the school would be calling your parents to report your absence as well as the truant officer to search for and locate you. If you think your parents are upset with you now, wait and see how upset they will be if you follow through with your plan.

If you have not been tested for learning handicaps (dyslexia, ADD, or other issues that can make learning difficult) I suggest you go to your guidance counselor and ask for a screening. Your hatred of school may stem from your poor grades, which may in turn stem from a learning disorder that has gone undiscovered.

I strongly urge you to complete your high school education, but if you are set on dropping out than I strongly suggest you be honest about it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Not Amused By Young Son's Obsession With Toy Guns

Dear Tazi:

My young son "Ralphie" is positively obsessed with guns. Right now, he is too young to handle a real gun - even an air rifle - but he loves the toy guns he finds at his friends houses and, since I will not allow such toys in my house (I feel that they promote violence) Ralphie will make a gun-like motion with his thumb and forefinger and pretend to shoot, saying "bang bang" as he aims at anything that moves.

I have tried everything to dissuade Ralphie's interest in guns, running the gamut from punishment to rewards, but nothing works! I am afraid I am raising a little Charlton Heston and this is not what I want! Ralphie's father is not a part of his life, so I do not know where this obsession came from, but I would like some advice on how to end it!

Signed,
Peacemaker

Dear Peacemaker:

I can understand your concern about your young son's obsession with guns; but please understand that an obsession with guns does not necessarily translate into an obsession with violence. There is a well-defined line between fantasy-play and reality. The next time Ralphie points his pretend finger-gun at you - or another living creature - take a moment to sit him down and ask why he would want to shoot someone. If he gives a response that indicates that he is just playing (and this type of response can range from "because the dog is secretly an alien" to "because the cat is a bad guy") put your concerns to rest that your son is not the next Son of Sam. You should also take this moment to briefly explain to your son that guns upset you, and to please not "shoot" while in the house. According to PBS.org, this means talking with him, not to him. Ralphie's understanding of how a real gun works - and the damage one can cause - is probably much less developed than you realize.

As for where your son's gun obsession could have come from, that is anybody's guess. Some child psychiatrists (which I am not) believe that boys have a genetic predisposition to aggressive behavior, and an interest in guns is an off-shoot of this programming. If Ralphie is interested in other toys and activities besides guns - such as sports, games, children's books, and other age-appropriate activities - I would dial down the worry several notches. If Ralphie's "obsession" with guns is to the point where he ignores all other toys, I suggest that you speak to his pediatrician about his psychological development. It could be he is just going through a phase, or it could be that there is an underlying cause for Ralphie's fixation on one particular thing (in this case, guns).

Regardless of how deep Ralphie's gun obsession is, here are some tips courtesy of PBS.org on how to talk to your son about his gun-play:

Talk with your kids
Instead of talking at your son about guns (“Guns are dangerous!” “Don’t do that!”) talk with him. His understanding of guns is probably less sophisticated than you think.

Ask open-ended questions to acknowledge the play and spur conversation: “Looks like you’re having fun. What are you doing?” And gently but consistently underscore the difference between real and toy guns by emphasizing how much fun it is to “pretend.”

Limit your child’s exposure to violence on TV or in video games
“I think exposure to violence on TV or video games should be a greater concern to parents than gun play,” says Joshua Weiner, an Arlington, Virginia-based psychiatrist who specializes in children and adolescents. “Repeated exposure has been demonstrated in studies to desensitize kids to violence. It is important to limit this exposure, especially in younger kids.” The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that kids be exposed to no more than one to two hours of “quality [television] programming” per day.

Monitor, don’t necessarily prohibit, your child’s gun play
As long as playing with toy guns doesn’t dominate a child’s time, it’s okay to let him explore it...provided a parent or trusted adult is watching.

“Many young kids (under age five) don't even understand what shooting someone really means,” says Weiner. “The shooting is more about power, fantasy and imagination—not killing and death.” That said, “If all your son wants to do is engage in gun play, you need to place limits like you would on any other activity done in excess,” Weiner notes. “In this case, parents should consider taking the guns away and talking with their child about their concerns.”

If you’re going to buy a toy gun, make sure it really looks like a toy

Encourage “target practice.”
Achieving the simple goal of hitting a target with a foam-ball gun can be extremely satisfying for an active little boy, and it helps develop hand-eye coordination to boot. Just draw a bull’s-eye on a white board or make a pyramid of empty soda cans, and you’re good to go, says Kelly Moore, a mom of three from Denver, Colorado. There’s an added benefit, she says: “The boys can be competitive and have fun without accidentally hurting each other.”

Teach proper gun safety
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s worth pointing out: if you choose to have real guns in your home, it’s imperative to help your children understand and respect their power.

Again, these tips are courtesy of PBS.org. To read the full article, click here.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. You mention that Ralphie's father is not a part of his life. I do hope that he has other active, positive male role models in his life, or this could lead to other developmental issues down the road.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Religious Misunderstandings Lead To A Host Of Problems In This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

I will be graduating college in a few months, and my boyfriend of six months suggests that we get married.  I love him very much, and think I would like to marry him.  There is just one problem: He is Muslim and I am Catholic.  I did not think our difference in religion would be difficult to overcome.  I am a strict Catholic - no sex, no drugs, no rock and roll - and he is a strict Muslim.  While discussing marriage, I have discovered just how strict.

"Mohammad" would like me to convert to Islam before we marry, and expects me to follow all of the laws of Islam, including wearing a hijab [Islamic face veil], staying at home instead of working, and being obedient to his word.  I was quite taken aback by these requests and asked Mohammad how he would feel if I asked the same of him.  He replied that such a request is both culturally and religiously out of the question that "your Bible states that women should obey their husbands; your culture requires you to take your husband's last name, making you his subservient".  Tazi, I never thought about things this way!

I am now very confused about everything I have always believed!  Yes, the Bible says to obey my husband; but that is Old Testament stuff, written back when women were considered property.  Is there a more modern translation?  And as for changing my last name, that is tradition!  It does not mean I am subservient to my husband, does it?

I am 22 years old, and am no longer sure of my place in the world.  I love my boyfriend, but am no longer sure of how much.  I don't want to abandon my religion, but looking at what the Bible says, I feel like it does not respect me as a woman.  Do you have any answers for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Devoted, But No Longer Hopelessly

Dear Devoted But No Longer Hopelessly:

It is not a good idea to take anything religious or cultural at face value.  That is how you end up feeling confused and dispirited as you are now.  Mohammed is correct that the Bible tells women to "submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22), but it also says - a few verses later - "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25).  

What does this all mean?  Back when these verses were written, women were property of their husbands, and punishments for being disobedient were quite primitive.  The Biblical demand of wifely obedience was promoting a woman's best interests.  The sticking point is the second verse, ordering husbands to love their wives - to the point of ultimate respect, even to the point where they would give their lives for them.  This verse suggests that a husband should always put his wife's care above his own, and put her best interests above his own desires.  (For example, if the wife is not feeling well the husband is Biblically commanded not to demand sex with her).  Could you "obey" a man who would treat you in this manner?  Can Mohammad be this type of man?  Rather than question your religious beliefs, question your boyfriend.

As for the cultural practice of taking your husband's last name upon marriage, this did originate as a sign of ownership - but then so did the engagement/wedding ring, the printing of a bride's photo in the paper (announcing that she is off the market) and other traditions Americans consider sacred.  The continued practice of these cherished traditions does not mean that the original meaning still applies.

I, personally, find the Spanish tradition of a bride keeping her maiden name and adding "de + her husband's name" quite charming - the literal meaning being she is now of her husband's family, while still retaining her identity.  Here in America, women will follow this tradition by hyphenating their last name with their maiden name, and many families make allowances for differences in religion.  I have family members who are of mixed beliefs, and the traditions of both religions are honored (if not practiced) in their homes.  All of these points are things you can discuss with Mohammed as you try to figure out if you still have a future together.

For further counsel, I suggest you talk over your issues with a clergy member - a priest or a religious brother/sister - or a layperson who works as a spiritual adviser.  Most college campuses have some form of campus ministry, and its members are trained to work with young people.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Inspired Writer Loses Sight Of All Else, Including Respect For Others

Dear Tazi:

My wife considers herself a budding author, and I want to be supportive of her in her attempts to write a novel.  She has always been supportive of me when I have had dreams to follow, but I feel I have reached the point where I need to put my foot DOWN.  My wife, on the other hand, is arguing that I am not trying hard enough to see her side of things and that I owe her an apology for being controlling and stepping on her dream.

"Nancy" decided she wanted to write a book when she saw how successful some bloggers can be when they publish their work in e-text format.  Since self-publishing is free, Nancy decided that she would follow her lifelong dream of writing a novel, since publishing it would not dip into our household budget.  With my wife being a stay-at-home-mom to our one year old daughter, money is tight.  However, I realize the need for a creative outlet and have tried my best to be supportive.

I have worked to respect Nancy's "creative time" and am helping out more around the house and with our daughter's care after work.  I am enjoying the extra Daddy time, and feel that by doing this I am being both a supportive husband and a good father.  Nancy has not complimented me once, saying as a father it is my job to help out when I am home (I work 12-hour shifts).

Nancy has taken to carrying a notebook with her wherever she goes because "you never know when inspiration will strike!"  Nancy keeps the notebook by our bed and writes when she wakes up in the middle of the night with ideas for her story.  My sleep is interrupted as well when this happens, but I keep quiet about it and try to be supportive.  Nancy will be struck by inspiration while we are out on a date (a rare treat), eating dinner, and other times that are inconvenient.  I have tolerated these interruptions until now.

Last week there was a memorial mass at church for my dearly departed mother.  During the middle of the pastor's sermon, Nancy got up and moved to the back of the church.  I was not sure if she was okay until I saw that [darn] notebook of hers!  Apparently, "inspiration" had struck right in the middle of my mother's mass and Nancy felt that it was OK to follow it!

After mass, I told Nancy that from now on when we go out the notebook stays home; that her behavior during mass was inconsiderate and inexcusable.  Nancy got upset and told me that if she didn't stop to write she would have been unable to concentrate on anything but her idea and would not have been fully engaged in my mother's mass anyway.  Nancy furthered that I should be complimented that the memory of my mother "brought on an inspiration" for her book.

It has been a week and things are still tense between us, with each of us believing the other owes an apology and an attitude adjustment.  How do you rule on this one, Tazi?

Signed,
Not a Writer

Dear Not a Writer:

Nancy's behavior was way off course.  She should never have brought her writing notebook to church.  A memorial mass is generally one hour.  If she was unable to be both physically and spiritually present during this important event than she should have excused herself and left the church, not sat in the back of the church while journaling her ideas.  Ideally, she would have shuffled her idea into the back of her thoughts until after the mass!

I often assised my Mommie in the writing of research papers and scholarly commentary, both of which can require a great deal of inspiration (which is what I provide!).

Inspiration can strike at any time or place, so your wife is smart to carry a notebook, but one must also learn to control the urge to immediately act on those inspirations.  Rather than write an entire page (or more) of text, Nancy should simply file away the main point(s) and - at a more appropriate time - jot them down on a memo pad for future reference.  Once the idea is further examined and fleshed out, not every point of inspiration sounds as great as it initially did.

An unobtrusive way to take notes is to excuse yourself to the restroom and record your thoughts.  Many phones offer a voice-record memo feature that can be used for this purpose.  Since speaking is quicker than writing, it will take Nancy much less time to record her thoughts; thus lessening the creative intrusion.  Furthermore, hearing your idea played back in your own voice can confirm or contradict your original feelings on just how brilliant an idea really is.  I believe that this could make for a fair compromise between you and Nancy.

As for who owes who an apology: It appears to me that Nancy is throwing herself into her work with great fervor - to the point where she is not considering your needs.  For this, she owes you an apology; not only for her poor showing in church but for her attitude towards you at home.  I believe that you owe your wife an apology for losing your temper with her; she is not a child, she is your wife and your equal.  Talking down to her was not right, but understandable considering your lack of sleep.  I suggest you both try to start fresh by offering each other a kiss and a snuggle - or whatever it is you humans do behind closed doors.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  Nancy might find inspiration in my list of Tazi's Rules for Successful Writing, a compilation of lessons learned from the Writing and Rhetoric professors at the University of Rhode Island!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Discovers Court Of Public Opinion Much Harsher Than Divorce Court

Dear Tazi:

I am recently divorced, and by recently I mean the ink is barely dry on the decree. Although the divorce court gave me a fair settlement, I still feel cheated because that is the only place I got treated fairly.

I left my wife of seven years because she had absolutely no interest in sex.  I thought she might have been frigid, but when I encouraged her to go to a doctor she refused, telling me that I was the one with the problem; that she had no problem with the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage.

When I finally left the marriage, nobody could believe I would leave as wonderful a woman as "Maria".  Maria is a wonderful woman, Tazi.  She is kind, compassionate, educated, hard-working, humorous, faithful, and a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom.  Her lack of interest in sex is really what killed our marriage.  I felt like I was living with a friend and not a wife.  I was not about to reveal such personal details to our friends and community, so when people asked me what went wrong I simply replied that our lives had reached divergent paths and we were each going to go our own way.  People figured that I was at fault for the divorce, but I kept my mouth shut and let them think what they wanted.  I thought that this was what Marie deserved, but I have since changed my mind!

While visiting a bar last week, I overheard a man talking to his friend about the woman he had started seeing a few months before.  I smiled when he said he was thinking of introducing her to his friends, remembering how it was like when I had first started dating Marie.  The man went on to describe the pleasures of his relationship and even mentioned how the sex was "mind blowing".  I continued to listen in because, at this point I was interested in learning what would be said next, when I discovered that the girlfriend in question was my ex-wife!  At first I thought there was no way, but the details he shared with his friend about what she looked like, where she lived and - the coup de gras - her amazing chocolate chip cookies, I knew he could not be talking about anyone else.

I left the bar immediately and went back to my old home, where Marie is still living while we try to sell the house.  When confronted, she made no secret that she had started seeing someone, had indeed baked cookies for him - and done a lot more than that in the bedroom!  When I called her out for holding out on me, she responded that she had not been holding out on me; she simply had no desire for me.

After hearing this, I decided that the gloves were off and sent a mass email to all of my friends and family, telling them exactly why my marriage ended - that Marie was frigid and refused medical help and that I could take it no longer.  The next day I was inundated with responses, via email, telephone, and even in person with people telling me how wrong I was to send such an email. My sister even called me a "classless toad" and told me that I could forget coming over for Christmas if I did not apologize to Marie for my behavior.  My best friend told me his wife said to relay the same message if I asked about spending the holidays with them.

Tazi, I think I am the one who is owed an apology here!  I am the one who stayed in a sexless marriage for seven years in an attempt to make it work, and now that it is over some other guy is getting what should have been mine!  Where's the compassion for my side of the story?  Why is everyone rallying around Marie?

Signed,
Not a Classless Toad

Dear Not a Classless Toad:

Maybe you are a classless toad, and maybe you are not; however, the behavior you have recently exhibited is that of a classless toad. You not only eavesdropped on a private conversation; you publicly denounced your ex-wife as "frigid" (which is a medical condition, and obviously one she does not suffer), both through your email and again in your letter to me.  People often ask me why I use pseudonyms in my column; your letter is a perfect example of why!

I am sorry that your marriage ended so badly.  Has it occurred to you that there might be a reason other than frigidity that your wife refused you in the bedroom?  You describe her as "a wonderful woman" and "a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom".  Did you treat her like a wonderful woman who was a joy to be around when you were outside of the bedroom?  Or was the only time you took any notice of her after lights out?  Did you ever help her out around the house, compliment a tasty meal, take her out for a night on the town, or simply tell her how much she meant to you?  Or did you ignore her until bedtime and then expect her to be hot to trot for you?

You mention nothing of your own behavior in your letter, nothing of your own attempts to woo your wife, so I cannot be certain why she refused you so often.  Only you can answer that question; all I can give you is food for thought.  As for who owes who an apology, it is you who owe Marie one for publicly tearing her down.  The time to talk about her sex life - or lack thereof - was while you were still married, not now that she is a free woman.

Perfunctory Snuggles (but only because it's Christmastime),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Persecuted" Man Needs To Accept Personal Responsibility For His Actions

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I know that life is not fair, but why is it that I am persecuted more than others? I am currently unemployed because at my last job they kept changing my weekly hours to accommodate their scheduling needs without regard to my personal schedule. I finally got sick of having to choose between canceling my plans and not getting paid, so I quit, figuring I could collect unemployment on the basis of discrimination because I was the only person whose schedule was ever changed around like this. They say it was because I listed "open to close" as my availability when I applied for the job, which I did, but still! Nobody takes that to mean somebody is willing to live their life around work instead of work around their life! Do you see what I mean about being persecuted? My unemployment was denied, so I am now without an income or a reference from my former employer, making it even more difficult to find work.

Because of my employment situation, I have fallen behind on my child support payments to my ex-girlfriend for our son. My mother has been making the payments for me so "her grandchild" will not have to go without, but then she turns around and tells me that the payments are a "loan that [she] doesn't expect to be repaid". She said she will simply not purchase me any Christmas or birthday presents for the foreseeable future, and that any remaining debt will be subtracted from my inheritance when she passes. Talk about unfair! One minute, my son is "her grandchild" and the next his care is my sole financial responsibility!

On top of all this, my son's mother "Cherri" got married this past summer and is now moving two hours away! It is bad enough that she has sole custody of our son, but now another man gets to play the part of my son's Dad while I am the one stuck paying child support! Cherri's husband makes well over $100,000 a year, so they do not need my money, but they are taking it "on principle". Once again, life is kicking me while I am down.

Further complicating matters is the fact that my current mode of transportation is unreliable and I cannot depend on it to make a 4-hour round trip to see my son every other weekend, so I now only get to see him once a month, when his mother brings him down to visit with my Mom. This situation is not acceptable, but when I took Cherri to court to demand more visitation the judge sided with her, saying if I want increased visitation I should find a way to take advantage of the twice weekly and regular weekend visits I have already been granted. The judge completely ignored the fact that I don't have reliable transportation and therefore it should be Cherri's responsibility to bring our son to me. A boy needs time with his real Dad! Now on top of losing the case I owe my Mom even more money for attorney's fees, which the judge ruled I must pay. Persecuted again!

Icing this cake of persecution, Cherri is now pregnant and my son is excited about "becoming a big brother". I feel like this baby will be the nail in the coffin on my relationship with my son, as he will want to spend more and more time with his "new family" than with me. Like I said, life keeps kicking me when I am down. I would like Cherri to explain to our son that this baby will only be his half-sibling, and not a real brother or sister, just like his step-father is not his real Dad. I suggested this to her, and she had the nerve to laugh in my face! How can I get her to take my concerns seriously? About additional visitation, as well as the other issues?

Signed,
Dumped On By Life

Dear Dumped On:

I don't usually publish letters as lengthy as yours, but I was afraid if I edited it any further than I already have - or simply did not respond to it - you would feel that I, too, am "persecuting" you by censoring your voice. In all your rambling, however, you forgot to mention one important fact: What is your current living arrangement? Do you live in your mother's basement? Or do you have a girlfriend that pays your rent? Or maybe you live in your current (but unreliable) form of transportation? I am just curious to know how you are managing to stay off of the streets and out of the homeless shelter with no income and no apparent savings while being "persecuted" from all sides. Surely you have some sort of support system in place?

Having a mom who pays your child support so your son does not have to go without (and so you do not lose your visitation) and also pays your attorney's fees hardly seems to me like a form of persecution, so I would suggest you ease up on her. As for your unemployment situation, you are the one who quit your job without securing alternate employment, so this strikes me as your own poor decision making as opposed to persecution by your employer or the unemployment office. The fact that your former employer kept changing your weekly hours is unfortunate, but well within their rights.

I get the impression that you love your son and want to spend time with him, but only when it is convenient for you and then only on your terms. I realize that a four-hour round trip is a long way to travel in unreliable transportation, but there are other ways to communicate and visit with your son. A virtual visit through a webcam is free, and a wonderful way to spend time with your son on a daily basis. Phone calls are also a wonderful way to stay in touch between in-person visits.

As for your attitude towards your son's "new family": it stinks! When Cherri and her husband got married, her husband got an instant family. The fact that you fear your son is seeing this man as an additional Dad reveals to me that the man treats your son well. For this, you should feel grateful, not persecuted. I suggest you make an effort to be a more active presence in your son's life (even if this means getting to know Cherri's new husband, and accepting your son's joy at becoming a big brother) and stop complaining about having to pay child support. Children hear more than you realize, and it would be a shame if your son overheard you complaining about your financial responsibility to him.

Perhaps the reason you feel so persecuted is because it is easier to blame the world for the problems that are of your own making than it is to take ownership of them. Try taking responsibility for your mistakes, straightening out your financial situation (preferably with a paying job, and not more “loans” from your Mom), and making the sacrifices that are required of you to be a good parent. Maybe then Cherri, your mother, and others will start to take your concerns seriously.

-- Tazi-Kat

(No snuggles for you!)

Brother's Gift Selection Appears To Have A Hidden Message

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My birthday falls the day after Christmas, so I am one of those people who get all of their gifts at once. Growing up, my older brother was always jealous that I got more gifts than he did at this time of year, forgetting that he got a pile of birthday gifts every summer while I went without. I think this is why he buys me the worst gifts every Christmas! I don’t mean gifts that lack thought; but gifts that truly make me wonder if he hates me – things like gas station coffee mugs, Girls Gone Wild DVD’s, and other items of questionable taste.

Last year, after giving me a particularly offensive gift (a subscription to a political magazine that goes against my every belief), I politely and privately told him to please return the purchase and keep the money; that I would rather he save his cash than spend it on something I could not use or would not enjoy. I thought he was okay with things until this Thanksgiving. We were all gathered around the table as a family when he announced that he would not be buying me a gift this year since I was "such a spoiled ingrate" who is "unable to appreciate the spirit in which a gift is given". This led to my mother leaping to my defense (she, too, found his gift to me to be in poor taste), and a huge argument between the two of them ensued, with my brother accusing both of my parents of favoring me over him.

It has been over a week, and my brother has not called, emailed, or communicated in any way with my parents or me. He is not returning phone calls or emails, either. My mother wants to apologize for hurting his feelings; my father feels that my brother is the one who should be apologizing; and I am feeling stuck in the middle of all this. I don't even feel like celebrating Christmas or my birthday this year because of all the hurt feelings everyone is experiencing, but I will be turning 30 this year and a big family party has been planned in my honor, with family coming in from out-of-state to celebrate with us. Do you have any suggestions on how to get things back on track with my family, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
"Little" Brother With A Big Problem

Dear Little Brother:

It sounds to me as if your older brother is carrying around several years’ worth of aggression towards you. As the older of the two, it seems that he feels the need to offer you guidance and direction onto what he feels is the correct path in life - thus the gift of political materials (although I am not sure what message he was trying to send with the Girls Gone Wild DVD). In his eyes, your rejection of his gift was also a rejection of his personal beliefs; which stings coming from anybody, but especially from a younger sibling. Combine this sense of rejection with a lifetime of feeling short-changed around the holidays, and your brother's sad attempt to embarrass you at the Thanksgiving dinner table makes much more sense.

If you want to heal this rift between your brother and your family, you will have to take a more direct approach, since indirect messages are not getting a response. I suggest that you request a face-to-face meeting with him in order to air the issues that are obviously upsetting him. Once accepted, explain to him that you did not mean to come off as unappreciative of his gift; but that you truly found it to be in poor taste, and thought it to be more of a personal jab than a sincere gift of the season. Let the conversation, however difficult, flow from there. If your brother is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own; then know that you at least tried to mend the rift between the two of you. It is not fair of him to expect you to deny your beliefs in order to satisfy his ego.

As for the rift between your brother and your parents, that is for them to resolve. You cannot be responsible for the dynamic between them, which appears to be very complicated. Although it is my hope that your brother will show up to Christmas dinner and/or your birthday party (if only for the sake of keeping up appearances), if he chooses to exclude himself from this year's celebrations, this is his choice to make. You - or your parents - do not need to make excuses for him. If the rest of your family asks about him, simply smile and tell them that you will let him know that they were asking about him, then change the subject to a blatantly neutral topic of conversation, like the weather. People will get the hint that your brother's absence is a sore subject, and will hopefully let it drop.

Family is so very important in life. They are all we truly have when all else is gone; so I urge you not to give up on your brother – even if it means giving him some space through the holiday season and trying again in the New Year. Family counseling with a licensed social worker might be just the thing to help, since it is obvious that your brother is desperate to be heard.

-- Tazi-Kat

Mother-In-Law's Generosity Makes Couple Uncomfortable In More Ways Than One

Dear Tazi:

My mother-in-law is driving me nuts. I know that is the complaint of many, but things have reached a point where I am going to lose it on her if I don't get some help.

"Maisie" is a sweet, thoughtful woman on a very limited budget. She loves to give gifts, in spite of the fact that she cannot afford to give them and always gives them above my wife's and my protests to save her money for the things she needs. Whenever Maisie overhears my wife or I mention something we need or would simply like to have, she runs out to buy it for us. The problem is, she buys a much cheaper brand/value than we would purchase to fill our needs. We tried to solve the problem by returning the merchandise for credit, but that deeply hurt Maisie's feelings. Now, we simply try not to speak about our needs/wants within Maisie's earshot, which can be quite difficult. I am a contractor; my schedule varies and I am often home during the day. My wife is a homemaker and Maisie lives close by, which means she usually stops in to visit on a daily basis.

While doing laundry, my wife mentioned to me that we should look into buying some new bed-sheets, since January is when many stores have their home-linens on sale. What she did not realize was that her mother had just entered the house and heard my wife comment on the need for new bed-sheets. The next week, Maisie showed up with not one, but TWO sets on king-sized bed-sheets that she "got for a steal online". Maisie was glowing over her gift to us, going on and on about how the sheets were "1200 thread count Egyptian cotton!" and how she got both sets for less than $50 total. Upon hearing this, we knew there was going to be a problem.

King-sized bed sheets are famously expensive, and a set of Egyptian cotton 1200 thread count sheets retail for a couple hundred dollars or more. Sure enough, the sheets Maisie bought for us are a cheap microfiber by the brand name "Egyptian Comfort". My wife suffers from sensitive skin (for which she sees a dermatologist) and cannot sleep on these sheets. We tried - for the sake of her mother - and my wife woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible, itchy rash.

My wife politely approached Maisie with the sheets, and asked her to return them since we cannot use them. Maisie insists that the sheets are not the cause of my wife's rash and that we are "ungrateful snobs". Now, she is not speaking to either of us. I realize that most men would find this a dream come true; but my wife's heart is breaking over the fact that her mother will not speak to her. Any advice on what we should do next, Tazi? My wife and I aren't snobs, nor are we ungrateful. We just prefer to buy quality products that will last - and not give my wife hives.

Signed,
A Guy Who Loves His Wife

P.S. Just for the record, I am not a girly-man. I had no idea what "home-linens" were until my wife explained it to me. Ditto with the cost of 1200 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

Dear A Guy Who Loves His Wife:

I am a guy, and I love the silky softness of high thread count sheets! My Mommie, however, does not love when I sit on her silky soft sheets, claiming I shed vigorously all over them. Like your wife, my Mommie also has sensitive skin issues and cannot sleep on microfiber sheets (or, apparently, sheets covered in cat hair). Please tell Maisie that your wife is not making excuses to turn down her thoughtful gift; that others have similar problems as your wife when it comes to synthetic fabrics.

The larger issue seems to be Maisie's desire to give. In returning her gift, she took it as a return of her love for you and her daughter. To explain to her that you "prefer to buy quality products that will last" would be a huge mistake, and it will add insult to injury. Rather, explain to Maisie that you and your wife are rather set in your ways when it comes to purchasing home goods (that's stuff for the house, manly man!) and that you have developed a sense of loyalty for a few, specific brands that have met your expectations in the past. Brand loyalty is rare nowadays, in a world where everyone wants the lowest price; but back when Maisie was younger almost everyone practiced it.

To indulge Maisie's desire to give, why not give suggestions of ways that she can give of herself? Start small, by asking if she could "start a pot of coffee" while you and your wife are doing other things. If you show appreciation for her efforts, in time Maisie might find herself comfortable doing other little things to assist you that do not involve spending money (or a lot of it, anyway). She might decide to surprise you by bringing over sandwiches for lunch or a pound of your favorite ground coffee. If you have children, you could ask Maisie to watch them for an hour or two while you and/or your wife go grocery shopping or run errands.

With a little thought and creativity, you will discover that there are many ways for Maisie to indulge her generous spirit that will also accommodate and balance your needs, as well. However, the first step in this whole process is to get Maisie talking to you again. If she refuses to listen to you, try writing things down in a handwritten letter. There is something about the written word that women find soothing.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Birth Control, Sex Life A Private Matter

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are having an argument over an embarrassing topic, and we need a neutral third party to settle it. I cannot take birth control pills because they make me sick; I hate the way a diaphragm feels; and an IUD is too expensive. My husband "Xander" will not have a vasectomy, so as a solution to this problem we use condoms. Because we are married, we don't want the whole world to know this - like I said, it is embarrassing.

On our last trip to the local drugstore to pick up a few prescriptions and what not, Xander decided to grab a large box of Trojan vibrating condoms (which is not what we use!) and loudly ask me from ten feet away, "Honey, do we need more condoms?" as he shook the box for emphasis. Angry and humiliated, I shouted back, "No dear; we still have plenty at home!". Xander feels that in saying this, I was announcing to the entire (rather crowded) store that we don't have sex very often; I feel that he basically announced to the store that we have a kinky sex life and that we are constantly going at each other. At this point, I do not want Xander touching me until he apologizes; but he feels that I owe him an apology. Who do you think is right, Tazi?

Signed,
Holding Out

Dear Holding Out:

Your story reminds me of one my Mommie once heard, while working in a pharmacy. A woman shyly walked in to buy a box of condoms, and the pharmacist asked her "what size?", referring to the size package she wanted. The woman, not understanding the question, responded, "Well, to tell you the truth, my husband is on the small side..."

I share this story with you so that you and Xander can see that there are much more memorable conversations that occur at the pharmacy, and that your tiff probably does not even make it into the Top 10! Xander was wrong to make such a public announcement in a crowded store, knowing that you would prefer to keep your method of birth control a private matter. A Tazi Paw Tap of Disgust to his nose for breaking your confidence!

I have to add, though, that your smart-remark right back to Xander, while difficult to resist, obviously hurt his feelings. If this is the first time that Xander has broken your confidence, I would let it slide and offer an apology to him in return for an apology from him. Once apologies have been given, I suggest you kiss and make-up. Marriage is difficult enough without holding a grudge over a bruised ego.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bowling Widow Can't Spare Time For the Game

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend recently joined a bowling league with a bunch of people from work, and now he is obsessed! He has "game nights" once a week, but he and a few of his teammates get together three other nights a week to practice, bringing his total weeknight commitment to three nights a week plus one week-end night for the games. This was time he had been spending with me; but now I have been pushed back for this new priority. Obviously, I am upset at playing second fiddle to a "sport", but I really do miss spending that time with my boyfriend.

I do not bowl. I have no interest in bowling, so please do not ask me to consider joining the league or attending the games to show support for his new interest (my boyfriend has already asked, and I have said no). Bowling bores me to death, and I have better things to do than spend my evenings hanging around a loud bowling alley with a bunch of people I don't know. I just wish my boyfriend felt the same way. Do you have any realistic suggestions on how to fix this problem?

Signed,
Neglected

Dear Neglected:

You could always break up with your boyfriend, since he has already left you for his new hobby; but then, this isn't really about bowling, is it? The issues at hand are the divergent interests between you and your boyfriend: he likes bowling, you do not. Is there anything else that he likes that you do not? Are there things that you both enjoy doing that you could do together; hobbies that might pull him away from bowling for a few nights a week?

You do not say what you and he were doing during the time he used to spend with you, but obviously it was not interesting enough to him to hold his interest like bowling does. Had the two of you slipped into such a routine that things just got boring for him? Four nights a week is a lot of time to devote to a sport, especially when that time was once devoted to someone or something else. Were the two of you actually doing anything with your evenings? Or were you just sitting on the couch watching TV all evening? If you want to recapture your boyfriend's attention, you are going to have to recapture his interest.

My advice to you is to lose the attitude about bowling. I realize that you find it boring; but your boyfriend does not. Can you muster up a little support for him? Enough to go to his league games and cheer him on one night a week? Can you reach out to his co-workers/teammates and try to get to know them? The fact that your boyfriend is with them four nights week (after being with them at work five days a week) tells me these people are more than co-workers, but valued friends. If you value your relationship with your boyfriend, you will make an effort to get to know them.

Relationships are not static - they are live and growing things that need to be nurtured, lest things grow old and die. If your lack of interest in bowling is tearing your boyfriend from your side, I would be concerned about him meeting someone who has an equal enthusiasm for the sport that he plays (yes, bowling is a sport!). Perhaps now is a good time to take stock of your overall relationship, and decide if things are at a seven-ten split, or if the two of you can salvage things by picking up the spare and moving forward.

Perfunctory Snuggles (Because I Like Bowling),
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Driver Needs To Keep Eyes On The Road

Dear Tazi:

I am beside myself as I am writing this, so please feel free to correct any typos, grammatical errors, and whatever else you need to do to make this letter understandable. My husband ran over my neighbors cat this evening, badly injuring the poor animal. By some miracle, the animal was not killed; but the vet bill will probably be several thousand dollars, which we will of course cover without complaint. At least, I will cover without complaint; my husband will be wailing the entire time.

"George" claims that the cat ran out into the middle of the road and right in front of his car, giving him no time or space to stop. While this may be true, I know a different version of the truth myself: George has a bad habit of not looking where he is going while behind the wheel of the car. George likes to talk when he is driving, and has a dangerous habit of looking at the person he is talking to while he is still driving. If there is nobody in the car with him - and there wasn't when he hit "Zebra Cake" - he will listen to NPR [National Public Radio] and look down at the radio to yell at the talk show host (as if they can hear him!).

While I am thanking our lucky stars that Zebra Cake was not killed, I am doubly grateful that George did not hit a child. We live in a residential neighborhood, and there are several young children with families on our street. I commented to George that he needs to be more careful when he is driving - that the next thing he hits may not be a thing, but a person; but he just got defensive and told me I was over-reacting. What can I do to make George see the danger of his driving habits?

Signed,
Pet Lover

Dear Pet Lover:

Poor Zebra Cake! I am glad to hear he will recover from his injuries. As for your husband, let him complain all he wants about paying the vet bill - the fact remains, he hit a domestic animal with his vehicle. Most people would show remorse at doing something like that, even if the animal did jump out in front of their vehicle. NO snuggles for George!!!

As for correcting your husband's poor driving habits; you can't. The fact that George got defensive tells me that he is aware of the fact that his driving habits are endangering others, and he is probably in shock from the traumatic experience. By pointing out that he could have hit a child you are rubbing the obvious in his face. I would suggest that you let the matter drop for now. Since George was alone in the car at the time of the accident, only he knows the truth - weather he hit Zebra Cake because he was not paying attention to the road, or because the cat really did make a suicide run in front of the car.

In the meantime, I think it would be a nice idea if the two of you went to visit Zebra Cake to check in on him and see how he is doing. When faced with the extent of the animal's injuries, George may take to heart the fact that it could have been a child that "ran out into the middle of the road and right in front of his car, giving him no time or space to stop". Hopefully, this will lead to an awakening on his part that driving is a privilege that needs to be undertaken with a great deal of awareness for one's surroundings.

If George continues to deny the fact that his driving habits are dangerous, I would suggest that you - and others - refuse to get into the car with him when he is behind the wheel. Once he sees how serious you are about automotive safety, he will have no choice but to examine his behavior. A defensive driving course would be beneficial to George, and the money spent on it will be more than recouped by the break on auto insurance rates that you will receive after completing the course.

Snuggles to you and Zebra Cake,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Baby In This Stroller Is A Real Dog

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem and I need an opinion from an animal lover. I am 16, and I have an adorable teacup Maltese named "Snowflake"; she has been with me since I was 10 and I love her very much! She only weighs 2 pounds, and fits into my purse she is so small. She is an indoor dog, and uses a litter-box like a cat. She has plenty of toys to play with, and gets enough exercise by running around the house and climbing up and down stairs. My mother, however, believes that dogs should be allowed to go outside to get sunshine and fresh air, and insists on taking her with her when she goes jogging. This is my problem:

Snowflake is obviously way too small to be able to keep up with my mother while she jogs, so my Mom - thinking this is a way to add resistance to her workout - insists on putting Snowflake into a huge baby stroller and pushing it as she jogs through the neighborhood. Not only is this completely humiliating (have you ever seen something like this?) but I am afraid that this practice puts Snowflake at risk of being snatched up by an animal predator. Birds of prey such as owls, falcons, and hawks have been spotted in my area; and leaving Snowflake exposed - like she is when she is in the baby stroller - makes her an easy target.

My Mom thinks I am over-reacting, and using the idea of Snowflake as a bird's lunch as an excuse to get her to stop this humiliating practice. The fact that tossing the baby stroller from her jog would be an added bonus to keeping Snowflake safe has crossed my mind; but it is not the reason I object to my Mom taking Snowflake on her jogs. I am honestly concerned about my dog's welfare! Could you please help me explain to my Mom the danger Snowflake is in every time she is taken out like this?

Signed,
Double Whammy

Dear Double Whammy:

I have in fact seen people who take their small dogs out for a stroll in a baby carriage/stroller; and I have often wondered exactly why they were doing that. Thank you for offering clarity on this practice. Can you also explain why someone might do this to a cat?



Just curious...

As for what you were saying about birds of prey, you are correct that they would find your dog a tasty meal, and in worrying about the fact that your dog would be exposed to them while being pushed in a baby stroller. Unless the stroller has a roof/cover on it, birds of prey will have that proverbial bird's-eye-view of your dog and would be able to swoop down on your pet before your mother would have the chance to react. Furthermore, these birds have an incredibly large wingspan (4 - 6 feet from wingtip to wingtip) and very sharp talons. If a bird were to swoop down to attack Snowflake while your mother was still moving, she could end up the unintended target of the attack. This is something that needs to be pointed out to her immediately.

While I agree that all animals need fresh air and sunshine, both can be found by a screened window on a sunny day. The veterinarians I have met at the animal hospital all say that being an indoor cat keeps me healthier and will let me live a longer life. The same can be said for your dog. If you must take Snowflake outside, you must also make sure that she is well protected - and a baby stroller is not a good form of protection. If your mother wishes to jog with a baby stroller for extra resistance, she can do just that; substituting a two-pound barbell in place of Snowflake.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

He's In A Wheelchair; Should She Ask Him To The School Dance?

Dear Tazi:

I have secretly been in love with the same boy since middle school.  I am now a sophomore in high school, and my school's annual Winter Ball is next month.  I would really like to ask my crush to go with me, but I am afraid it would be awkward.  You see, the boy I like is in a wheelchair.  Would it sound insensitive if I were to ask him to a school dance?

"Dax" is an amazing guy.  He is cute, friendly, and always surrounded by friends and making people laugh.  He is the kind of person you can hang with all day and not even notice his wheelchair until you get up to leave, and realize that he has to take the long way to the exit because he needs to use the ramp.  I think he would have a good time at the Winter Ball, even if he can't dance.  I know lots of guys don't dance, but go because their girlfriends make them, so Dax wouldn't be the only guy not dancing if he went with me and I could dance with the other girls whose dates don't dance.  If I explained things to him this way, do you think Dax would say yes to going to the dance with me?

Signed,
Winter Blues

Dear Winter Blues:

I think if you told Dax everything you just told me he would be super insulted that you assume he is unable of getting around on the dance floor.  Disabled does not mean unable.  Whether Dax enjoys dancing or not is a matter of his personal preferences, not his chair.  I know plenty of men with two perfectly working legs who can't dance worth a lick!  Many people in chairs are capable of pulling moves non-paraplegics can only dream of doing, like popping a wheelie while spinning in a circle - with or without an attractive date sitting on their lap, arms thrown around their shoulders!

You write that Dax is "an amazing guy" who is "always surrounded by friends and making people laugh".  How do you think he would feel if he was excluded from the dance because of the wheelchair that you otherwise do "not even notice"?  If you want to ask Dax to the dance - and he is interested in spending time with you - I do not see why he would refuse.  Several years ago my Mommie went to a Winter Ball with a date who was in a wheelchair.  She had an awful time because her dress was improperly sewn and the rear seam tore, but her date had an awesome time tearing up the dance floor while Mommie searched for a needle and thread.  After the dance, they went clubbing and danced some more!

If you aren't certain about how to ask Dax to the dance, try the casual approach.  Ask him if he is considering going, or if anyone has asked him yet; judge by his response as to whether or not he seems interested in going and decide what move to make from there.  Asking someone you like on a date can be a nerve-wracking experience, so just take a deep breath and act like you always do when you are around Dax...unless you normally act like the giggly airhead girls seem to turn into when they are around their crush, in which case try to act like you do around your best friend.

Please write back and let me know how things turn out for you!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Needs To Swap Bad Manners For Good Ones

Dear Tazi:

I belong to a clothing swap group that takes place among friends.  Twice a year - Spring and Fall - we all clean out our closets and take the clothes (good, unstained condition only) to our hostess' house and have a fun afternoon of trying stuff on, offering opinions of what looks good on someone and what would look better on another, and swapping clothes that either don't fit; don't work with our changing style; or make us wonder what we were thinking when we bought it in the first place!  It is supposed to be an afternoon of good-natured fun, and we all look forward to attending.  But...(you knew there was one coming, right?).

One of the newer members of our group, "Jane", does not play by the rules which include being nice.  As soon as someone picks up a piece that Jane either brought or wants for herself the insults start.  For example, when I picked up an A-Line skirt that Jane had brought, she commented, "Are you sure you want to try that on?  It will accentuate your large hips."  That was one of the nicer comments Jane has made.  She insults color choices, style choices, fabric choices - you name it!  Last time, one of our group members left on the verge of tears when Jane commented that yellow made her look "jaundiced".  I know this sounds like an over-reaction, but the victim of Jane's barb was a survivor of liver cancer!  When this fact was mentioned to Jane, she just shrugged off her behavior and defended her comment.

This year's clothing swap is planned for the first weekend in December.  Instead of shopping at the malls, we will be shopping from each other's closets.  All of us are already dreading Jane's presence, and the friend who introduced her to the group feels just awful.  We would like to exclude Jane this year, but the problem is that she brings the most amazing clothes!  All of her stuff is designer label and hardly worn; some of it still has tags on it!  I know that we are acting greedy - a vice in and of itself - but nice clothes make the day more fun, too.  Can you offer any suggestions how to have our cake and eat it too?

Signed,
Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Rock and a Hard Place:

Is Jane by any chance a real-life Desperate Housewife?  You know, the kind of woman who is so bored with her existence that the only joy she gets out of life comes from the thrill she gets when putting down others?  Some people have such low self-esteem that they build it up by nitpicking at others.  Jane sounds like this type of person.

Rather than exclude Jane from your gathering - because I can see this is not the course of action you want to take - implement some new rules: constructive criticism is the only criticism allowed (such as "Jane, this blouse would look much better with your coloring!); criticism must wait until the item has been tried on and presented to the group; and rude comments will result in the loss of a clothing pick turn!

I suggest that the hostess make a poster-board sign detailing all of the rules of the clothing swap, so nobody says they did not know the rules.  This event is supposed to be fun, and rules can ensure that all play fair and nobody goes home in tears.  Which reminds me, Jane owes an apology to the woman she called jaundiced!

As for how you can have your cake and eat it too, it is very simple: Put cake on plate.  Now you have it.  Eat cake.  Now you have had your cake (for a time) and eaten it, too.  The trick is eating your cake and still having it, too.  That is a little more difficult.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom is Afraid That Dad Is Trying To Raise A Bully

Dear Tazi:

My five year old son, "Jacob" is a sweet and active little boy.  He loves to run and play in the yard, but will stop to pick dandelions and run inside to give me a "bouquet".  He enjoys playing ruff-and-tumble games with the neighborhood boys but is equally comfortable giving a little girl a push on the swings.  I love my son dearly, which is why I am concerned about how my husband wishes to raise him.  I think "Jack" is pushing Jacob to be a bully.

I was recently baking chocolate chip cookies for my book club meeting, and Jacob asked if he could help me.  I thought by "help" he meant taste the batter and lick the extra off of the mixing wand, but Jacob was actually interested in knowing how to bake cookies.  He was fascinated that separate ingredients could come together to form something new; wanted to know why the oven had to be a particular temperature in order for the cookies to bake; and what happened to the cookies while they were baking, how they went from being "mushy balls of dough to real cookies" is what he said!

I was so proud of Jacob's curiosity and desire to learn the science behind cooking that I told Jack about my day when he got home.  Big mistake!  Jack accused me of trying to "turn our son into a sissy" and argued that the kitchen is no place for a man.  He then took Jacob outside and told him that it was high time he learned how to play football.  Tazi, Jacob plays soccer and T-ball and is very happy playing both.  I think he is too young to add a third sport to his schedule, but when I said this to Jack later that evening, he let loose with a tirade against both sports, calling them "sissy sports".  He then went on to say that Jacob is too soft, that he is going to end up being bullied if he doesn't start to toughen up, and that I need to loosen the apron strings!  I left the room on the verge of tears!

Tazi, my little boy is only five.  He just started kindergarten in September and he loves it.  He is not having any problems in school; in fact, he has made several new friends, both boys and girls.  His teacher says he is a joy to have in class and is always offering to help her pass out paper and art supplies or to help with the end-of-day clean up before the school bus arrives.  I do not think that Jacob is maladjusted in any way and I do not want my husband to discourage Jacob's natural curiosity - even if Jacob wanted to bake cookies because he enjoys baking!  Can you give me some advice on how to stand up to my husband?  I considered using your "Cut and Serve Paw Slap of Disgust" but I couldn't remember which column it was printed in; plus I am afraid that giving one to Jack will just make the problem worse.

Signed,
Jacob's Mom

Dear Jacob's Mom:

Excuse my a minute while I contact Chef Emeril Lagasse to tell him that, because he is a man, his place is not in the kitchen.  I will let your husband handle Chef Gordon Ramsey and even provide a fresh litter-box so you can bury what remains of your husband once he has handled the situation.  I am hoping that my dry humor is not lost through the printed word - as scary as Chef Ramsey is, I do not believe he has ever gone Sweeney Todd on anyone.

Your son Jacob sounds like a wonderful little boy, and I do not think that issues with bullying - either being one or hurt by one - is something in his immediate future.  As a parent, you are right to to keep an ever vigilant eye on the issue to make certain that the problem, should it arise, is nipped in the bud.  I do not think the problem here is with your son, but with your husband's impression of the relationship between you and your son.

The fact that Jack called Jacob's sports "sissy sports" is unnerving.  Your child is five years old!  Does your husband expect him to play tackle football at that age?  The comment that it is time for you to "loosen the apron strings" gives me a clue to Jack's side of the story.  Does your husband feel like a third wheel in the relationship between you and your son?  Or is he allowed to be an active participant in his son's life and childhood development?  Do you push your husband aside - inadvertently or purposely - when it comes to making decisions regarding your son?  Do you welcome your husband to spend time with Jacob - together with you or as Daddy and son time?

I get the impression that you are a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom), which means you get to spend a great deal more time with your son, even now that he has started school.  Your husband could be feeling jealous of the close relationship that has developed between you and Jacob.  Not only does this closeness leave him out in the cold as a father, it also affects his closeness to you as your husband.  It could be that Jack feels he is no longer the #1 man in your life.

The issues you are facing with the raising of your son could reflect deeper issues in your marriage - issues of which you may not yet be aware.  I suggest that you hold off on delivering a Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust until you have had the chance to sit and talk with your husband in a neutral setting, sans Jacob.  Ask your husband if he feels left out of Jacob's life, if he feels you are the one doing all the child-raising and he is left to sit on the sidelines and watch.  Let Jack's answers guide your next move, which may include parenting classes or marital counseling.  Remember that counseling is not only for people who have problems - many couples seek counseling to resolve small problems before they become big ones!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  I have added a permanent page to this website, offering a "Cut and Serve Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust", Original, Claws Out, or Cute Kitten style!  Check it out!  --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Commitment To Maiden Name Does Not Show A Lack Of Commitment To Marriage

Dear Tazi:

I am 46 years old, a well-known professional in my field and well-known socially in my community, and recently married for the first time.  I never thought I would get married, not because I could not find “Mr. Right” but because I was far too busy enjoying life to even bother looking for him.  What I am trying to illustrate for you is the fact that I have a well-established identity of my own and do not wish to lose it now that I am married; to this end, I have retained my maiden name. 

My husband and I discussed the idea of hyphenating our last names, but felt that was just silly.  “Frank” understood my reasoning for wanting to retain my own last name and has been fully supportive of me, even going so far as to correct those who refer to me as “Mrs. Frank’s Last Name”.  He kindly corrects them and informs them that I may be his wife but I still identify by the name I have used for almost half a century…after which he charmingly adds that I “look gooooood for almost half a century!” 

Tazi, in spite of my husband’s support for my decision people still feel the need to criticize, suggesting that I am somehow not committed to Frank.  For Heaven’s sake, I took vows before God and family; you would think that was enough to show my commitment to him!  Still I have had to put up with being called everything from “scared to commit” to a “Femi-Nazi”, a term I find particularly offensive considering that I am a quarter Jewish.  I have reached the point where I am tired of being polite, but don’t wish to be rude to people over this private matter.  Do you have any suggestions for a polite comeback to these rude comments?

Signed,

Mrs. Me

Dear Mrs. Me:

People who call someone a “Nazi” simply because they believe differently do not deserve your respect.  Unless, of course, the person to whom they are referring is a Neo-Nazi, in which case the term is correct but there are bigger issues at hand.  I’m digressing, aren’t I? 

Not being the slightest bit Jewish, I cannot even begin to comprehend the level of hurt and rage you must feel when lunkheads use such an offensive term.  Here is a Paw Slap of Disgust for you to hand to these people the next time they use that term!

Just print, cut, and serve!

As for everyone else, these people appear to be firmly ensconced in the tradition that when a woman marries she takes her husband’s last name for the sake on family unity and the hereditary line, issues that do not appear to be of concern to you but which may explain the reaction you are receiving from others.  Being a cat, I generally am not polite to those I tell off – with a cat, you always know where you stand!  However, I understand human relations ad that they require a certain amount of civility, even when civility is not provided in the first place.

One way to politely shut up those who feel they deserve to have an opinion about your private business is to tell them your reasoning for keeping your maiden name: That just as your husband it firmly attached to his identity so you are to yours. Explain that you do not love him any less for not taking his name, but love him all the more for being understanding, accepting, and supportive of your choice; if this response does not make the questioner feel like a complete jerk than nothing will.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. My Mommie will also be a first-time bride this coming April, and she is in her 40's, too! However, she will be making her maiden name her middle name and taking on a new last name.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bake-Off Offers A Teaching Moment For Grandma and Granddaughter

Dear Tazi:

My eldest granddaughter is fourteen and is interested in baking.  She is very good at following a recipe, but does not yet have enough experience to create recipes of her own.  I know in time she will do just fine, and I am very proud of her skills.  I do a lot to support her, including assisting her with the cost of some of the more expensive ingredients for her cookies, cakes, and pies, and I am always willing to give her an honest opinion on her finished products.

My problem is that "Bethany" would like to enter the Annual Christmas Pie Bake-Off that our church holds every year.  There is a small entry fee, which I will be glad to cover for her, and a "tasting" fee for the public to join in on the fun and choose their favorite pie.  All the money goes to the church, so that they may continue with their missions of the Good Word.

I would be thrilled if Bethany wanted to enter the Bake-Off on her own, but she cannot.  The rules strictly state that all pie recipes must be original to the baker and, as I have already mentioned, Bethany has not yet formulated recipes of her own.  The Bake-Off is only a month away, so Bethany does not have time to try and formulate her own pie recipe. She is aware of this, and has asked me to let her use one of my pie recipes.

Tazi, I do not know what to do about this request!  On the one hand, I would love to see Bethany compete in her first Bake-Off; but on the other hand, I would like to see her do it with her own recipe.  To use my (award-winning) recipe under her name would be cheating!  I realize that all the money raised goes to the church, and one less entrant means that much less money for the church missions, but I don't think cheating is a very Christian way to go about raising that extra money!

Tazi, Bethany has her heart set on entering the Bake-Off this year.  I don't want to tell her no, but I feel like my conscience will bother me too much if I say yes.  What do you suggest, Tazi?

Signed,
Cherry Pie Mess

Dear Cherry Pie Mess:

Mmmmmm.....pie!  Where exactly is this annual Bake-Off?  Is it somewhere in the New England area where I could make Mommie and Daddy drive to and bring me back some pie?  Oh, I am being self-centered again - sorry, I lapsed!

My concern is not for your conscience, but for your granddaughter's.  Does she realize that the contest requires all pie recipes be property of the person entering it?  Before you do anything else, you need to explain this fact to Bethany.  Her response can guide your conscience towards the next step to take.

If Bethany was unaware of the rules and her request was perfectly innocent, is it possible that the two of you enter as one?  You could work together to make the pie and enter as a Grandma-Granddaughter Pie Baking Team!  If I were attending the Bake-Off, I would be perfectly charmed at the idea of two generations spending quality time together for a good cause.

If each entrant must be a solo entrant, in good conscience you must tell Bethany that she cannot use your recipe, but that you could work with her to try and develop her own pie recipe in time for the big event.  The recipe would have to be Bethany's own idea, but you could offer guidance as to what flavors work well together and what flavors do not.  My personal favorite is blueberry-peach pie!  Yummy!

One last possibility is that Bethany is aware of the rules and trying to sneak around them.  If this is the case, you need to have a frank talk with your granddaughter about good sportsmanship and fair play...and then tell her that she is on her own in finding a Bake-Off winning recipe until she shows a better sense of character.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.