Saturday, January 26, 2013

After Six Months, Mom Is Still Waiting On Wedding Portraits

Dear Tazi:

I am concerned because my son and daughter-in-law have been married for six months now and they have not yet ordered their wedding portraits. I was hoping to receive one as a Christmas gift, so when I did not get one I inquired as to when I might be receiving a copy of their wedding portrait. My son responded that they were still trying to decide on what pictures to order, how many of each, and what sizes.

The pictures are rather expensive, but my husband and I have offered several times to cover the cost as a wedding gift. I am starting to feel as though our gift is not appreciated and am considering saying something to my son, but my husband says to let it go that “the kids” both have very demanding jobs, student loans to pay, and are busy setting up house together (they did not live together before they were married).

I understand that my son and daughter-in-law lead busy lives, but one would think that ordering their wedding portraits would be a priority! My daughter-in-law has already sent me a thank you card, thanking us for the “generous gift of wedding portraits” – and it was most appreciated – but I would really appreciate seeing our gift delivered and displayed, along with an 8x10 or 5x7 for my own home. How much longer should I have to wait, Tazi?

Signed,
Impatient?

Dear Impatient?:

Although six months is a long time to wait for wedding photos, it is no longer an unheard of wait. Many couples order not only their formal portraits, but an entire wedding album, complete with behind-the-scenes photos of the day (the bride in her dressing room, candid shots of the groom and his groomsmen, etc.). These albums often contain upwards of 100 pictures, and it can take quite a bit of time for a bride and groom to settle on which photos they want to choose.

With regard to a wedding portrait of the bride and groom, most photographers now post the weddings they photographed to their websites. A serial number and a secure password will redirect you to a private page featuring all the photos of the day – from the formal portraits of the bride and groom and their wedding party to casual shots taken throughout the reception. Ordering information is also provided so loved ones and guests can order photos for themselves. You can nudge your son and daughter-in-law into ordering their portraits by viewing the photos yourself and offering your opinion on the ones you like best, and which one you would like to have for yourself. This suggestion may sound a bit too direct, but it appears that direct is the way to go in this matter.

The only other reason for the delay that I can think of is, if you have already given the portrait money to your son and daughter-in-law, it has been spent on other pressing financial matters – such as student loans, rent, or living room furniture. I do not condone the use of such funds, but if this is what has been done you will have to deal with things from there. If you think that this is the case, I suggest that you order your own copy of whatever portraits you desire, and explain to them that you were far too eager to display their portrait to wait for them to get around to ordering.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.



Friday, January 25, 2013

Pre-Teen Crush Has Widowed Dad Worried

Dear Tazi:

My 12-year-old daughter appears to have a crush on my  neighbor's 14-year-old son. The boy does not appear to be doing anything to encourage her crush, but I have not seen him discourage it either. For example, last week he was oiling his bike chain when my daughter caught site of him. She immediately grabbed her bike (which she hasn't ridden in months) and asked him if he could oil her chain, too. He obliged her, but refused her invitation to go on a bike ride. I am not certain if he was just being polite in oiling her chain, or welcoming her advances but then shying away when he remembered how young she is. At 14, he is simply too old for my daughter.

My wife died a few years ago, otherwise I would ask her to have a talk with our daughter about appropriate behavior around boys. I plan on asking one of her aunts to talk to her (she is particularly close to my wife's sister), but in the meantime I am wondering if I should have a talk with my neighbor's son about my daughter's crush and let him know that I do not consider her an appropriate choice of girlfriend for him, due to the age difference between them. Overall, he is a nice boy, but I was a teenage boy once myself and I know how teenage boys think! On the other hand, I know that girls nowadays can be the aggressors when it comes to things like this. Should I talk to the boy? My daughter? Both of them? Or simply keep an eye on the situation and let his parents handle him and my sister-in-law deal with my daughter?

Signed,
Protective Dad

Dear Protective Dad:

I have yet to meet any other kind of Dad, so I think it is safe to say that it is natural for you to feel protective of your daughter. I am impressed that you are not shoving your head in the sand and ignoring the fact that your daughter may grow into a sexually aggressive teenager, but rather are willing to face the fact that someone is going to have to talk to your daughter about what is expected of her now that she is growing up.

At twelve years old, I doubt your fourteen year old neighbor sees your daughter as anything more than a cute little kid who happens to live next door to him. If he is not inviting her along on a bike ride with him, and is in fact turning down her invitations to join her on a bike ride, I do not think you have to worry about this young man making advances towards your daughter (at least not for another few years, and probably longer. As the "girl next door", he may think of your daughter like he would a little sister).

If I were you, I would not talk to this boy; it will only lead to embarrassment - for him, regardless of his interest in your daughter (romantic or otherwise), and for your daughter, who will probably claim that she is going to "just die" over the fact that her crush now knows she likes him. (Girls can be weird like that - they like a boy, but don't want him to know in case he does not like her, so please spare your daughter such embarrassment).

If you are comfortable doing so, talk to your daughter about her increased interest in the boy next door. Tell her that you have noticed it, and leave it at that. If she wants to talk about him, you can elaborate on your thoughts, explaining that you think he is a fine boy but a little too old for her at this point in her life. If you are not comfortable talking to your daughter on the subject of boys, I suggest you call your sister-in-law and have her set up a Girls' Day with your daughter, letting her know what subjects need to be broached during the course of conversation.

It can be difficult for a young girl to lose her mother, so I am happy to see that she still has a strong female influence in her life - she is entering a time when she will need one more than ever; the teenage years are not easy ones for anyone to navigate, not even a teenager.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Addiction To Girl Scout Cookies Not An Uncommon Problem

Dear Tazi:

I read the letter from the diabetic who is addicted to Skittles, and I can relate, but I think my problem is much worse. I am addicted to Girl Scout Cookies. I usually eat several boxes of them in one day, just because they tasted so good.

Every year, I tell myself I will not buy any Girl Scout Cookies, and every year I buy more cookies than the last. I know what I usually buy several boxes of cookies from several different girls, this way nobody can see how many boxes of cookies I am actually buying. Last year, I bought 52 boxes, with the plan of freezing them so they would last through the entire year (one per week), since the cookies are not available year-round, but the plan did not work as I intended. Instead of saving the cookies, I ate all of them over a two day period and ended up hospitalized with dangerously high blood sugar (over 600 mg/dL). I am pre-diabetic, so I really need to work to make sure an incident like this does not happen again.

I am writing to you right now because I just placed an order for Girl Scout Cookies with my niece. I am embarrassed to say how many boxes I ordered; let’s just say she is well on her way to a camp scholarship, thanks to me. I would hate to cancel the order on her – especially if I end up breaking down and ordering them through eBay – but I need to overcome this cookie addiction! I do not feel this way about other types of cookies, just Girl Scout Cookies. Any ideas on how to help someone like me?

Signed,
Tag-A-Long Lover

Dear Tag-a-Long Lover:

An addiction to Girl Scout Cookies is not an uncommon problem, but the extremes you are experiencing are, and deeply concern me. Since this year’s cookies are already ordered, I suggest you ask your niece to deliver your share to the local food bank, as a donation, so those who cannot afford to indulge in the godly goodness of Girl Scout Cookies can appreciate these sweet treats!

Next year, rather than order cookies from your niece, try to find a way to make a donation to her local Girl Scout Troop or to put the money directly towards her camp costs. If she is required to sell a certain number of boxes to be allowed to go to camp, feel free to go crazy with the ordering, but donate the cookies – if not to a food bank than to a local church or synagogue (GS Cookies are kosher!), which can use them in their food pantry or as refreshments after a meeting or for a coffee social.

Who doesn't love these?

You mention two things that concern me: your pre-diabetes and your dangerously high blood sugar (which could have induced a heart attack or stroke!) and the fact that you do not feel this way about other cookies (not even Milano cookies?). Being pre-diabetic is an issue you must take seriously! It does not man that you cannot have a cookie or two every now and then, but it does mean that you cannot indulge in a box or two at one time. 52 boxes in two days? seriously? Did you eat anything but cookies during that time? Were you dehydrated, as well?

Obviously, there is something about Girl Scout Cookies that sets off an emotional trigger in you, since you do not react this way about other cookies. Is it because they are not available year-round? Do they hold some special memory from childhood? I strongly suggest that you seek counseling to help with this emotional addiction. Knowing why you crave Girl Scout Cookies in such proportions is the first step to overcoming your addiction to them. Please write back once you have made progress towards this goal, and let my readers know how you are doing!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.



Monday, January 21, 2013

Child Put Up For Adoption Becomes Subject Of Family Rift

Dear Tazi:

Thirty years ago, when I was just a teenager, I got pregnant by my degenerate boyfriend who dumped me as soon as he found out he was going to be a father. My mother wanted me to have an abortion, but I refused and chose instead to put the baby girl I birthed up for adoption.

During the years since I gave birth, I have graduated college; lived an adventurous life; and settled down into the life of a suburban wife. I have never wanted children myself, and my husband feels the same. He knows about my past, and accepts me as I am, as well as the decision that I made. I have no regrets about my decision to put the baby up for adoption, and the only time I ever think of her is on her birthday, to hope that she has had a wonderful, fulfilling life with people who have offered her more than I ever could, in terms of both financial stability and loving acceptance.

If everything is so peachy, what’s my problem? My mother. After years of my telling her that my husband and I have no plans to have children, it has finally gotten through to her. Now, she constantly wails over how I “selfishly gave away” her granddaughter without thought of what my “poor mother” might want. Tazi, my “poor mother” seems to have conveniently forgotten that what she wanted was for me to have an abortion!

My mother is now pressuring me to join a registry for parents who have put their children up for adoption, to see if “my” child is looking for me. I have no desire to do this, and have told my mother so, but she insists that she has rights to her grandchild. When I remind her that my brother has three children that she never sees, she claims it is because their mother doesn’t like her (this is another story altogether). Mom has called me a cold, unfeeling monster for not caring about my own child.

Tazi, I have never thought of the baby I gave up as “mine”, even as I carried her, knowing that she would not be mine to raise. My mother stood beside me every step of the process, since I was under-aged and she was legally required to be a part of the process. She could have stopped it at any time, but did not, insisting that an abortion would have been the better choice. I think that she gave up the right to access to her “grandchild” 30 years ago, and has no right to pressure me to open up the past. What do you think, Tazi?

Signed,
Child-Free…Sort Of

Dear Child-Free…Sort Of

You speak from a place of maturity and experience, two things you probably did not have thirty years ago when you made these life-altering decisions. Your courage to go against your mother’s demands for an abortion is admirable, as is the strength it took to see the baby not as yours, but as yours to give to another. The fact that you think of the daughter you birthed on her birthday is also admirable, and reflects the fact that you are not a cold, unfeeling monster; you are just not the parental type.

Your mother’s demand for access to the child you placed for adoption is unnerving. I can understand a person’s desire to connect with long-lost loved ones, but she is refusing to connect with the grandchildren currently in her life. As you allude, there is more to that story, but your mother’s need to control you – back then and now – seems to be the real issue here.

You twice state that your mother would have preferred you have an abortion than to give birth, and you also comment that she stood by you during the entire adoption process. I see things as you do: that she gave up the right to her grandchild when you gave up your parental rights. However, none of us can predict the future. If your mother knew that you would have no other children, would she have pressured you so hard in the first place?

It sounds to me that your mother is living with regrets. Before deciding for or against registering with a parental registry, I suggest you have a long talk with your mother. Ask her what she hopes to gain from a reunion with her long-lost granddaughter. Does she have expectations of what this woman will be like? What if she does not meet with your mother’s expectations, what then? A person is not a puppy; you cannot decide you don’t like what you see and try to return them or find them a new owner. Once you have some clarity on what your mother seeks, you can decide from there your next course of action, remembering the possibility that the child you put up for adoption may not even know that she is adopted, and therefore might not be seeking you at all.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Tazi's Corner #28 - Success Tips For Returning Students

Dear Readers:

Over the past few weeks I have received a few letters from adult humans returning to the classroom, for college; trade school; or a GED program, all asking the same questions: what to expect, how to succeed, and how to overcome their nervousness and outright fright! These letters intrigued me, because my Mommie is an adult learner. I never thought that there was something out there that might scare her; my Mommie can do anything! I know that everyone says that about their Mommy (or at least they should be saying that!), but it is true! I never thought there might be something that scared my Mommie – other than when I wander off out of her sight, but then she is just being silly and overprotective. I decided to investigate the issue further in order to assist these letter writers!

In preparation to respond to their letters as one batch, I interviewed my Mommie over a bowl of cat cereal, while she sipped on her coffee and tried to fill out her paperwork for her impending graduation. Having none of that, I sat on the paperwork until I had her full and undivided attention. I found the answers that she gave me to be quite helpful, and did not wish to edit them for space, so I decided to put them here in my Tazi’s Corner column, where I have more room to share my thoughts! I am not fond of lists, and I seem to be doing more of them lately, so I have not numbered this one, and have put it in paragraph form to make it look less like a list. Let me know if I fooled you into thinking it isn't a list! Without further delay, I present to you

Success Tips For Returning Students!
By Tazi-Kat and His Mommie

Starting any new venture can be scary, so treat returning to school like any other new experience. What is the first thing you do when you start a new job? You get to know the people in your office. Well, the school is now your office, so get to know people – your classmates, your professors, the Reference Librarians; all of these people will make your learning journey a much easier and less isolating time.

Also, don’t let age differences get in the way of making friendships. Two of my Mommie’s best friends are about 15 years younger than her, but you would never know it! Both women are very mature for their age, have set career goals, and aren't allowing youthful stupidity to distract them. Mommie wishes she knew women like this when she was younger; she may have indulged in less youthful stupidity for it.

Bring your schooling home with you. The last thing you want is for your family to feel left out of your life, so don’t keep what you are doing to yourself. Share your day; invite your significant other to join you for a tour of your school/classroom, and introduce them to the people you interact with regularly. If you have school-age children, schedule a set “homework time” during which everyone – including you – are doing some form of schoolwork.

Another important thing is to find balance. It will be difficult at first, but as you settle into a routine you will be able to find a school-work-home life balance. Make a study schedule and stick to it. This may mean you will need to give up the distractions and time-wasters – Facebook and video/computer games are big ones – but after a few weeks you will find that doing so makes it easier to complete your reading/studying and creates more time for family and friends.

Speaking of studying, try to do a little bit every day and break it up into small chunks. If you have ten minutes to spare, try reviewing your classroom notes or working on a math problem that is giving you difficulty. Knowing that you will not have to spend a lot of time doing it makes it easier to try; when the time limit is in sight, it doesn't seem so onerous. If you are setting aside a large block of time to study/read/work on homework, take a 5 minute break every 20 minutes. Studies have shown this to result in better grades.

Grades! Everyone wants to chase after straight A’s, and they think cramming every little fact into their head is the way to do it. It isn't  In fact, cramming is the worst way to study because you forget about 90% of what you “learned” as soon as the test is over. This may not seem all too important, but if other, more advanced classes or success in the workplace depend on what you learned you will soon discover just how important true learning really is! Rather than chase grades, chase knowledge; good grades will follow.

When it comes to reading your textbook, don’t try to read every word on every page; rather, check out the first page of the chapter where it highlights what you need to know; read the chapter summary where it summarizes what is in the chapter; review any new vocabulary and important concepts. Look for bold headlines and words; illustrations, diagrams, and text-boxes; and anything else that is highlighted as important. When you have finished reviewing a section, look for any “self-review” questions; if you can’t answer them correctly, go back and find the answer to what you got wrong. A lot of professors use these questions on quizzes and tests, sometimes word for word!

Also, while still on the subject, many textbooks come with an online study component that guides you through what you need to know with games, quizzes, flash cards, and video lessons that make learning easier and a lot more interesting. Look for the web address on the inside cover page or back cover of your textbook!

Another way to maintain good grades is to do the assigned reading before class! A professor’s lecture is meant to supplement and explain the assigned reading. If you have not done the reading before the lecture, the lecture will not make as much sense as it would if you had read your textbook. Plus, if the lecture does not answer any questions you were left with after reading the text, you can generally ask your professors questions during the recitation [question and answer] period, after class, or during their office hours.

Don’t be afraid to take advantage of a professor’s office hours! Most of the time, they are sitting there catching up on work or reading because they are required to be there for their students, regardless of whether or not students show. If you are not available during their regular office hours, ask for an appointment to meet with them for a Q & A session. It’s like a free tutoring session with the professor!

Free tutoring may be a service your school provides. Check with student services to see if your school has a peer tutoring program. In most cases, the tutors are students who took the class they are tutoring and excelled in it, so you will be assisted by someone who had the same professor/teacher as you.


If you aren’t certain if a particular professor will be a good fit for you, ask fellow students for recommendations or check out www.ratemyprofessor.com (just understand that some students who post there are allergic to work; take such reviews with a grain of salt).

So there you have it – may you learn from one who has gone before you. Who knew that Mommie had learned more than just the stuff inside her textbooks? Good luck to all who are returning to school for a new semester of learning! Next week, I will present Part 2 of this subject - Tips For Conquering Test Anxiety!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.


Saturday, January 19, 2013

Child's Birthday Party Needs Allergen-Free Alternatives

Dear Tazi:

My daughter "Janie's" eighth birthday is approaching, and she wants to have an ice-cream sundae bar instead of a cake. This will be much more expensive than giving her just a cake, but her heart is set on having a make-your-own-sundae bar, and I agreed to this theme - before I discovered that her best friend is lactose intolerant.

"Susie" cannot digest lactose in any form, which I discovered while discussing Janie's birthday party plans with Susie's mother after a recent play-date. Susie's Mom expressed disappointment that Susie would be unable to attend the party if I go ahead with the sundae-bar theme, unless lactose-free ice-cream was also provided as an alternative.

Tazi, I have already eliminated nuts from the sundae bar to accommodate allergies, which was not a problem since I was able to replace nuts with crushed pineapple as a substitute topping. Must I accommodate Susie's allergy, too? As far as I know, she is the only child who suffers from lactose intolerance, and lactose-free ice-cream is not cheap! The smallest size I could find was a 1.5 quart size for twice the cost of normal ice cream! There is no way Susie would eat that much ice cream! Couldn't she just take a Lactaid pill or have a sundae without the ice-cream, putting the toppings on fruit instead? I would hate to see my daughter's best friend excluded from her birthday party, but it seems that there is no other way, short of scrapping the whole idea of a sundae party altogether.

Signed,
Not All Screaming For Ice Cream

Dear Not All Screaming For Ice Cream:

There has to be some place to compromise between Susie missing her best friend's birthday party and forcing her to choke down a pill that her mother obviously does not want her to take. Since Susie cannot digest lactose "in any form" this rules out most lactose free ice-creams, which still contain about 1% lactose.

As long as Susie is cool with it (that is how the kids say it, right?), I think the idea of a fruit-base alternative is a lovely idea! What kid wouldn't want to add chocolate and/or caramel sauce and whipped cream to a bowl of sliced apple or  banana? If you were to go with this idea, I would make it available for all of your party guests, not just Susie. This would serve two purposes: Susie would not feel singled out by being the only one served fruit instead of ice cream, and children who are not fond of ice cream will not be forced to eat it.

Well now, this looks yummy!

I would suggest you refer to the party as a "fruit and ice cream sundae bar" on the invitations and let the chips fall where they may. If Susie's mother still demands that lactose free ice cream be provided, she will have to provide it herself. A good host does their best to accommodate the tastes of their guests; a good party guest does not make unreasonable demands on the host.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

RIP To The Original "Dear Abby"

Dear Readers:

It was with great sadness that I have read that Pauline Phillips - the original Dear Abby - has passed away at the age of 94. Although she had retired from writing her daily advice column several years ago, passing the column onto her daughter, she has remained one of my idols, giving advice that is based, for the most part, on common sense; kindness; and a desire to see the right thing done by all.

I raise a paw to you, dear lady...you and your twin sister Ann Landers have been reunited, although this time it is not in a Chicago newsroom. May you rest with the angels.

In memory of Pauline "Abby" Phillips
7/4/1918 - 1/17/2013

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Quarter-Life Leaves Man Wondering "Is This All There Is?"

Dear Tazi:

I have no direction in life. I am 24 and never went to college, so my career opportunities are limited to my skills, which are also limited. Every day I wake up, go to work, come home and watch TV or go out drinking with friends. I don't have a "lady friend", as you might say, but there is one particular [prostitute] that I visit regularly. However, when you pay someone for sex you can't exactly count them as a girlfriend.

With both Valentine's Day and my 25th birthday coming up, I feel like I am missing out on something. I want more out of life, but I don't know where to find it or how to get it. What's your secret?

Signed,
Still Haven't Found What I'm looking For

Dear Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For:

Could it be that you are still searching because you do not know what you want, so even if you found it you would not recognize it for what it is?

As an abandoned cat who was taken in by the shelter, I knew exactly what I wanted: a human who would love me and care for me like I was their child. I found that in my Mommie; I want for nothing more. Through struggle, I was able to discern my needs and target my wants so when opportunity knocked, I was ready to answer the door. That is my "secret"; nothing  more, nothing less.

Do you know what you want in life? It is obvious from your letter that you are seeking more than what your current life offers. What is it missing, other than a proper lady friend? If you seek a better job, seek a way to improve your skills. Many community college and adult education programs offer vocational training for those who do not seek a degree. If you seek a proper lady friend, stop looking for her at the bar and try other social venues - parties, coffee shops, church/synagogue (if you are religious), join a gym (if nothing else, you will get healthier which can improve your personal outlook on life) or even try meeting someone at a rock 'n' bowl event!

Do not expect your life to turn around overnight - Rome wasn't built in a day, you know! Take baby steps towards improving your situation; take risks and try new things. These efforts will no doubt make you a more interesting person while introducing you to new paths to travel in life - where you will hopefully find what you seek.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Morbidly Obese Child Needs Acceptance, Love,...and A Healthier Direction

Dear Tazi:

My son’s mother and I are divorced and we share custody. “Justin” is eight years old and of average height, but he weights almost 120 pounds. The boy is morbidly obese, and I am deeply concerned about his health. With regard to his upbringing, this is the one issue over which his mother and I disagree; unfortunately, that disagreement spills over into several areas.

When Justin is at my house, I make sure he eats healthy foods; plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and low-fat foods. Justin is not happy with this arrangement, but he has learned the hard way that if he does not eat the food he is given less nutritional alternatives will not be offered. When Justin is with his Mom, the opposite is true. She has given in to Justin’s desires for poor dietary choices like macaroni and cheese, Raman noodles, hot dogs, and sugary foods.

We have only been divorced for two years, and Justin’s weight has more than doubled during that time. His pediatrician has ruled out any glandular problems, and agrees with me that Justin’s weight problem is related to diet; my ex-wife insists that it is “just baby-fat” and that he will lose it as he ages. I am afraid that my son will not be aging well and will die young if his diet is not overhauled now. He gets absolutely no exercise at his Mom’s house, since she allows him to sit around and play video games whenever he is with her. I try to make Justin exercise, but the effort it takes him just to ride his bike up and down the street is heartbreaking, and he is soon sweating, out of breath, and begging for a Gatorade.

My ex-wife could easily afford to buy healthy food for Justin – I have offered to purchase it for her myself, but she refused, telling me that money is not the problem; the problem is that at the end of the day she lacks the energy to argue with Justin over what he will and will not eat. She thinks it abusive to allow him to refuse a meal until he realizes that healthy food in a reasonable portion size is all he is going to get. (Portion size is something else his mother refuses to control; last Halloween she allowed him to eat an entire pound of chocolate in one night to make up for the fact that he did not have the energy to go trick or treating.).

I am considering suing for full custody of my son, a commitment I am willing to undertake to save his physical health, but I do not wish to take him away from his mother. I just want his mother to be a more responsible caregiver. Can you think of any other way to motivate her, short of taking our son away from her?

Signed,
Fit And Frustrated

Dear Fit And Frustrated:

Your letter leaves me feeling a deep concern for your son. It is obvious from his choice of food that he is being malnourished while at the same time being fed to death! From the sound of his diet he is not receiving the nutrients he needs to fortify his growing body, and at the same time is receiving too much of nutrients meant to be taken in sparingly. A single serving of Raman noodles in sauce has over 1,200 mg of sodium; if Justin is eating the entire block of noodles, that is two servings – and more than a full day’s worth of sodium and carbohydrates, with little to no other vitamins or protein.

From what you say, your son will eat nutritious food in proper portions, he just prefers junk food. Since your ex-wife is worn-out at the end of the day and caves to Justin’s preferences, a plan that works for her will be the plan that is most successful. Her comment that Justin’s extra pounds are “just baby fat” is obviously a denial of the reality that is before her eyes. Rather than sue for full custody – a serious and dramatic step – try other options first.

Together – as a family – the three of you should see a Nutritionalist. Showing Justin a united front on this issue may be what he needs to realize the severity of his problem, and will also show that he can no longer pit one parent against the other. A Nutritionalist will teach you – as parents – proper meal planning and foods appropriate for a growing boy who needs to lose weight. S/he will teach Justin the definition of portion size and tasty substitutes for his favorite foods. For example, turkey hot dogs are fat free and make a delicious substitute for beef or pork frankfurters; fresh fruit can be sweeter than candy.

Justin also needs to start exercising. Nobody likes to exercise alone, so as his parents you need to make it a point to exercise with him. Since Justin likes video games, the Wii Fit or other game system that requires physical movement to play would be an excellent investment made on his behalf. Justin did not double his weight overnight, and it will take a while for him to lose it.

Making diet and exercise a punishment will only discourage him from following such a regimen, so I do not suggest that you withhold food from him. Rather, try to find compromise. Both you and Justin’s mother should try meal planning, and include Justin in the process; if he feels involved in deciding what’s for dinner every night there will be no battles to fight with him at the end of the day. In the end, you need to make Justin’s journey a journey towards better health and more energy, not about making him feel badly about himself.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"Overbearing Conversationalist" Needs To Learn How To Take Turns Talking

Dear Tazi:

I have a good friend who is a very dear woman, but has one major flaw that drives people away from her: she is an incessant talker who always manages to turn the conversation back to her. She was recently bemoaning her lack of friends - right after I mentioned I was getting together for lunch with some ladies we both know - so I felt obligated to bring "Pam" along with me.

When we arrived at the restaurant, one of my friends was on crutches. She had been in a car accident a few weeks prior and had done some muscle damage. Pam immediately expressed concern for the woman, but as soon as she said the words "car accident" Pam hijacked the conversation to talk about a car accident she had been in 12 years ago and how she still feels pain when the weather is bad. When the conversation turned to a different subject, Pam again took it over and made it all about her.

Just when a member of our party was ready to tell Pam off, our friend on crutches needed to use the ladies room and Pam offered to assist her by carrying the woman's purse, which showed the side of Pam that I adore - selfless and giving. At the end of lunch, Pam thanked us all for having her and even paid our bar tab as her way of showing her gratitude.

Since that day, Pam has been trying to "friend" these other women on Facebook and make plans to get together in person. Although my friends have accepted her friend requests, they are reluctant to spend time with her in person because she is such an "overbearing conversationalist", as one of my group politely put it. I would hate to see Pam excluded from our group get-togethers, because she is desperately in search of more friends, but at the same time I do not want to hurt her by telling her point-blank why the others seek to exclude her. Short of sneaking out behind Pam's back is there any way I can find a comfortable solution that would please everyone and hurt no one?

Signed,
Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place:

My first thought was that Pam might have been trying to fit in with your group when she prattled on, but then I remembered that she is acquainted with the other women, as well. Since she regularly monopolizes the conversation, I doubt it is just nerves that prompt such rudeness, so I am going to guess that Pam does not realize what she is doing. In her attempt to empathize with others she is steamrolling over them.

Although it will not be easy to tell Pam about her conversational flaws, it can be done in a gentle manner that will spare her feelings. The next time Pam hijacks the conversation, hold up your hand in a "stop" motion and gently mention that you need to say something. Then, tell Pam that she may not realize it, but cutting people off mid sentence or mid-thought is considered by many to be rude, and may be the reason she has such difficulty cultivating the friendships she seeks. Let her know that you enjoy listening to her, but that it comes at the expense of losing your turn in a two-way conversation.

Pam will most likely be flustered at this point, so try your best to comfort her, letting her know that you enjoy her company just the same and that she is a sweet and loving person, but that she needs to be aware of how she treats others in conversation. If she seeks to improve upon this problem, offer to help her through regular conversations. If, on the other hand, Pam is offended, reveal to her that you only have her best interests at heart. Since Pam has few friends to begin with and is seeking more, I doubt she will write you off her list.

Once Pam has shown that she is making a conscious effort to be considerate of those she is conversing with, speak to your luncheon group about giving Pam a second chance, mentioning that she is aware of her tendency to be an "overbearing conversationalist" and is working on changing. If they refuse to offer a second chance, perhaps you should give a second glance to the type of people you have befriended.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Bad Listener Wants To Be Better Conversationalist

Dear Tazi:

Am I a terrible person? I have an inability to express interest in the lives and doings of others if they do not somehow concern me. For example, right now, my best friend is going through a prolonged illness that will require her to have extensive surgery. When we got together for coffee last week all she talked about was how terrible she has been feeling and how she is hoping the surgery will correct her problems; all I heard was “blah blah blah, me me me…”. I realize that other people’s medical problems are not something most people want to hear about, but I feel like I could have been a more supportive friend. Instead, I just zoned out on her.

I wish I could say that the only time I zone out on people is during discussions about other people’s medical issues, but I don’t. I zone out all the time – in church while the preacher is preaching, at dinner while my husband and kids are talking about their day, with my Mom when I am on the phone with her. I am starting to feel very self-absorbed. I have tried to be a better listener, but all the while I am thinking about what I want to say and wondering when it will be my turn to talk. Is there any help for me? Can you suggest some ideas on how I can become a better listener, and thus a better part of the conversation?

Signed,
Feeling Self-Absorbed

Dear Feeling Self-Absorbed:

Recognizing your problem is half the battle. There are many people like you who do not realize that their behavior is a problem (I will have a letter detailing the other side of the story tomorrow). Once you recognize that your behavior is an issue, you can work on solving the problem.

You say that when your best friend was talking about her very real concerns all you heard was “blah blah blah, me me me”. This is a very self-centered thing to say! Admittedly, few people want to hear the gory details of someone else’s health issues, but you could have focused less on the details and more on your friend’s emotional state. One good thing about listening is that it allows the listener to steer the conversation towards a topic that they would prefer to hear. When your friend commented that she was hoping her surgery would cure her ills, you could have asked her what she is looking forward to doing once she is cured. This would have directed the conversation to happier topics that might have been of mutual interest (travel, sports, hobbies, etc). A conversation is a two-way process that requires all to take both an active and resting (not restive) part in it.

Cats aren't the only ones who are bad listeners!


You mention that while others are talking all you can do is think about what you want to say. I suggest that you practice being a good conversationalist by having a conversation with yourself. Record yourself speaking, and then play it back to listen to how you sound. Are you bored with yourself? Do you find what you are saying detailed and interesting? Do you pause to allow someone else to add their thoughts? In short, are you the type of person to who others want to listen? Once you discover how you sound to others, you might be more willing to keep your mouth closed and your ears open.

Play back your recording a second time, this time pausing the recording to add comments or questions, as if you are merely an interested listener and not the person speaking. Does your recorded conversation allow for that? Good speakers can create good listeners. If what you have to say is interesting to them, people will want to listen to you and ask further questions of you; they may also start to mimic you, following your cues and allowing for comments and questions and asking questions of you when they speak to keep the conversation going back and forth.

If you find that your problem is that you lack empathy for others rather than good listening skills and a reasonable attention span, professional counseling may help you get to the root of your issues. I can understand not wanting to hear all the boring details (as my Mommie’s Grandpa Eddie used to say, “I asked you for the time, not how to build a clock”), but you should at least have an interest in the goings-on of your family members.

Snuggles,
Tazi


 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Loss Of Pet Leaves A Hole; New Pet Is Not A Replacement

Dear Tazi,

My cat “Indiana” had to be put down this past September, after 18 years of life. I’d had Indiana since he was a kitten; I loved that cat more than anything. My seven year old daughter – who I have custody of part-time – was also upset over Indiana’s death, which is why my girlfriend went out and bought me a new kitten for Christmas.

My daughter loves “Sadie”, and I have to admit that she is a cute kitten, but I am just not ready for a new cat, and I am afraid that it is showing. Try as I might, I just can’t bond with this new kitten. Indiana was a man’s cat; he was a total [tough guy]. Sadie is gentle when she plays – great for my daughter, but hardly a good replacement for Indiana.

I don’t want to insult my girlfriend or upset my daughter by getting rid of Sadie, but I just can’t bond with her like I did Indiana. I am just not ready to start over without my main man, Indiana. You’re a cat. Do you have any suggestions on what I should do here? I feel badly. Sadie is just a kitten and always looks like she can’t understand why I don’t love her like everyone else.

Signed,
Hoosier

Dear Hoosier:

The loss of a pet is an inconsolable one, yet you have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your beloved cat. I have always said that until you have owned a pet you have not known unconditional love. Your Indiana sounds a lot like my predecessor, Koko Kat, who was also a [tough guy]; in fact, his nickname was Bad A--. Koko ran off after coming out on the winning end of a tangle with something large and dangerous, but he was missing for several weeks, during which time my Mommie looked for him every day – all through the neighborhood and at the animal shelter – which is where she saw and fell in love with me.

Like you, Mommie did not wish to adopt another cat (even me); she wanted her original cat back! Then, she realized that I was not a replacement of her Koko Kat; I would not replace the memories she had of Koko, rather, I would bring her new memories all our own, of just her and me. Different does not necessarily mean better – or worse; just unique. My personality is the polar opposite of Koko Kat, who chose to return to his pre-adoptive feral ways. Mommie does not love me more or less than she does Koko – just differently. If you were to have another child, would you love him/her more or less than your first? Of course not; you would love them the same amount, just in different ways.

I suggest that you give little Sadie a chance to be her own self – not a shadow of Indiana or a replacement of him, either, but a kitten with her own personality. Try to think of her as an additional cat in your life, not one that is a replacement for the cat you lost. Get to know Sadie by playing with her, offering her a cuddle, and cleaning her litter-box. She may never be the rough and tumble cat that Indiana was, but unlike dogs a kitten’s personality does not always reflect the cat she will become!

If, in the end, you simply cannot bond with Sadie please do not send her to a shelter; try to find her a home with friends or family or even your girlfriend, which would allow your daughter to still see her, or find a good home for her with someone who will love and cherish her. It is unfair, but kittens more than six months old are not adopted very quickly – people want a baby kitten, not a half grown one, and sending Sadie to the shelter may mean that is where she is to live out her days.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Culture Clash Causes Relationship Misunderstanding

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend “Elton” is from England, so he has that wonderful British accent that makes women (including me) melt. He also has a habit of calling people by terms of endearment instead of their first names. All men are “chap” or “mate” or something equally innocuous, but the women are all “honey” or “sweetie”, which gets on my nerves.

Elton is a very good looking man with a charming personality. Combine that with his accent, and you can see how women might take his personal attention the wrong way. Elton does not believe that there is a problem, saying that women never actually come on to him, but I argue that that is because women generally flirt and wait for the man to ask them on a date – which I know Elton would never do; he is very faithful to me.

I asked Elton to make a New Year’s resolution to be more aware of what he calls people, and to stop using terms of endearment and to start calling people by their first names. Elton balked at this, saying that his “vernacular” is a minor issue, and that I am making a big deal out of nothing. When I pressed him, he argued that there are a lot of things I do that annoy him, but he ignores them. When I asked him to name ONE annoying habit of mine, he couldn’t; he just said that there are several and that there is no need to make a big deal out of them, that they are a part of who I am and that he loves me as I am. I think Elton is merely trying to charm his way out of changing; he is saying that I am looking for trouble where there isn’t any. He has agreed to try, but refused to make a resolution of it, which I feel is disrespectful to my feelings. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I should, Tazi? Or is Elton wrong, even as he insists he is not “marginalizing my concerns”?

Signed,
“Marginalized”

Dear “Marginalized”:

If I had to take a guess, I would say that your annoying habits include making a big deal out of nothing; always needing to be right; and just maybe thinking that you are perfect.

Different cultures have different protocols; not every culture is like our American one, where a term of endearment constitutes flirting. The fact that Elton calls men “mate” or “chap”, and does not reserve endearments exclusively for women, speaks to the fact that such speech patterns are a part of his culture; to demand that he change this would be like him demanding that you stop using the word “dude” or other American slang so ingrained in your vocabulary that you probably do not even realize that you are using it.

I rule that you should cut Elton some slack here. I do not believe that he is “marginalizing your concerns”; I believe that he has given careful consideration to your concerns and finds them to be overblown and even insulting. Seen from Elton’s point of view, you are accusing him of hitting on every woman with whom he comes in contact, from the teenage cashier at the grocery store to the elderly librarian. Not every woman is comfortable being called such names by just anyone; while you may think they are swooning over Elton, many are not. Women who come in regular contact with Elton will soon realize that he is not coming on to them, that the terms of endearment he uses are a cultural thing.

I do not suggest that you swallow your concerns; talking about them to Elton was the healthy thing to do in order to keep your relationship running smoothly. However, you do not appear to have listened to Elton’s answers, especially the part where he said that he loves you, faults and all. Rather than force a resolution on him, why not make one for yourself to love your boyfriend as he is, annoying habits and all. Nobody is perfect...not even us cats!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Once A Cheat, Always A Cheat?

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years, but I am always afraid that he will cheat on me. Why? Because when we met he had a girlfriend. We were dating for six months when I found out about her, and told him it was either her or me. He chose me, which I thought was wonderful, but I recently found out from a reliable source that his first girlfriend at the time had her suspicions and was getting ready to leave him anyway. Now my victory feels quite hollow, and explains my fear that he will cheat. I feel like a consolation prize.

“Jack” is very good looking and very outgoing, so I am always nervous when he goes out somewhere without me – even if it is just to the office. He insists that I am being paranoid; that he has learned his lesson and that he would never again cheat, that it is far too stressful to handle two women, but this just makes me worry that he will simply leave if he finds another woman who interests him. I feel so insecure and sometimes wish that I had left him when I discovered he was cheating on his girlfriend with me. I consider leaving still, but two years is a long time to be with someone, and a large investment of my life. I would like to get married and have children sometime within the next few years, so I am unsure if I should give up what I have to search for something new.

Signed,
Cheated

Dear Cheated:

Your signature speaks volumes, and I believe that you are being cheated out of the joys of a loving, trusting relationship. Have you felt this type of insecurity in past relationships, or only with Jack? The answer to this question could go a long way in helping you to decide your next move.

Two years is a good amount of time to invest in a relationship, but compared to the rest of your life it is the blink of an eye. You say that you would like to get married and have children sometime within the next few years, but you make no mention of what Jack wants. Two years from now you could be exactly where you are now – insecure and hoping for a proposal that may or may not happen.

You state that you feel like a “consolation prize”. Did you at first feel like a trophy when Jack “chose” you over his other girlfriend? If so, this could have colored your view of the situation, presenting things different than the reality that surrounded you. I believe that you know what you need to do, even if it is not necessarily what you want to do, and that is leave Jack and get over this cheat. Yes, I called him a cheat. Although I do not subscribe to the idea of once a cheat always a cheat, I do not get the impression that Jack has said or done anything to reassure you that he has changed; if he truly loved you, he would be making every effort to make you feel that way, starting by assuaging your insecurities, not by calling you “paranoid”.

I strongly suggest that you seek professional counseling before making any major decisions. It appears that you have lost your sense of self-worth somewhere along the line; a counselor can help you to find it and to assist you in finding the path that is best for you to take – with or without Jack by your side.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

New Dad Has More To Learn Than Most

Dear Tazi:

My wife is writing this letter for me because I am what is called a functional illiterate. I can recognize some words and phrases, like Coca-Cola and Merry Christmas, but that is because I recognize the product or because someone told me what it says and I see it over and over again.

My parents came here as refugees from Cuba, and never knew how to read English, so they could not help me with my school work as a kid. I think I might have a learning problem, because I can work very well with my hands but not at all when it comes to book learning. I dropped out of school when I was 16, and worked a lot of odd jobs and as a landscaper until I married my wife and moved away. I work in a factory now, and since a lot of the people here don’t speak English all of our instructions have pictures to go along with them. My boss doesn’t know that I can’t read and don’t write much. Nobody does except for my wife. I know my ABC’s, but not much more.

My wife and I just had a baby boy. When I held him for the first time, I started to cry because I don’t want him to end up like me. I want my boy to learn how to read and write and to be somebody, but most of all, I want to be a good Dad to my son. In a year or two, he’s going to be wanting a story before bedtime, and I want to be able to read him one.

My company is a very generous one, and offers English as a Second Language classes for free to all employees. I speak English very well because I was born in America, so I am not sure if these classes would teach me what I need. I need to learn how to read and write English! Plus, I am afraid if people find out I cannot read and write English they will make fun of me, and call me a dumb immigrant. I am an American, even if I am a dumb one, and I don’t want to be dumb anymore. Do you have words for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Seeking Learning

Dear Seeking Learning:

I need to make one thing very clear to you: just because you cannot read or write does not make you dumb; you obviously have other talents that have allowed you to make a living, which means that  you are intelligent in other ways. When it comes to book learning, people learn in different ways. Even if you have a learning problem, this does not mean you are incapable of learning! You mention that you are able to understand instructions written as pictures and that you work well with your hands – this means your strengths are in seeing something done and then doing it yourself, not in reading about how something is done. Studies have shown that a whopping 70% of people learn in these same ways!

An ESL class works slightly differently than an English-Only adult learning class, in that relies more on visuals than traditional adult learning classes. Each teacher has their own style, but overall you will learn how to connect words and their spellings to matching objects, ideas, and emotions. For example, you may see pictures like the following:

Happy

Since you already know what emotion the picture is illustrating and how to pronounce the English word for it, you will have a leg-up on many of your classmates; the class will help you learn how to read and spell the words that represent the pictures. By starting at a more advanced level than your classmates, you will find your confidence boosted as you rise to the top of the class and possibly even a boost in your self-worth as you assist your classmates in their learning. Assisting your classmates will also cement in your head what you have learned.

Since your employer is the one offering the ESL classes I do not think you need to be afraid of losing your job over your lack of English literacy. Rather, I think your employer would be happy to see that you want to improve your English skills! As for your fear that people will make fun of you or call you a "dumb immigrant", I want you to know that people who would do such a thing are low-life ignorant slime. Please do not concern yourself with the opinions of such people; rather, concern yourself with being the best husband and father you can be to your young family! For what it's worth, I am proud of you!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.


Monday, January 7, 2013

Bratty Niece Leaves Angry Uncle Wanting An Apology

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law has an eight year old daughter who is an absolute brat. She interrupts conversations, talks back to adults, and never says thank-you for anything. I avoid visiting my in-laws because I know that one day I am going to lose it on the kid if her behavior does not improve.

For me, the last straw with “Aimee” was Christmas Eve. We were gathered at my sister-in-law’s house and the kids were opening gifts from the adults. My wife spent a lot of time and money shopping for the nephews and nieces, picking out what she thought would be just the right gift for each of them. Her three other nieces and her two nephews loved their gifts, and expressed their gratitude; Aimee did not like her gift, and let everyone know. She threw aside the GAP Kids outfit my wife had bought her, calling it “stupid and for babies”. Aimee’s mother demanded that she apologize, but Aimee refused, saying she wasn’t sorry and that it is wrong to lie. (At least the kid showed some kind of moral compass).

My wife was distraught and I was just plain [angry], so we ended up leaving shortly after Aimee’s meltdown. I expected my sister-in-law to call to apologize, say she has punished Aimee for her rude behavior, or something like that, but she never did; she didn’t even call to wish us a Merry Christmas. I would like to call my sister-in-law and tell her exactly how I feel about her kid’s behavior, but my wife says to let it go, that Aimee is probably going through a phase and will outgrow it. Aimee’s birthday is in February, and I would like to skip the gift-giving altogether, as punishment since nobody else seems to be correcting her, but my wife says that is harsh and that Aimee will have forgotten her behavior by the time her birthday rolls around. I say that is all the more reason to remind her of it, not to reward her for it.

My wife is a devoted reader of your column (and yeah, I like it too) so I would like to know your opinion on what to do – let things go or make a point.

Signed,
Angry Uncle

Dear Angry Uncle:

Eight years old can be a difficult age for a girl; she is no longer a baby or even a little girl, but she is not yet a teenager who can wear makeup and talk about boys. Our American culture pushes adolescence on children younger and younger with every generation – it is different from when you were a child. When my Mommie was a child she would emulate Sheena Easton and Donna Summer; now girls look to role models like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. What girly-girl would not be entranced by that much glitter? However, the fact remains that Aimee is still an eight year old girl, regardless of how old she may think she is. This could explain – although not excuse – Aimee’s rudeness.

She worked hard for the money, so hard honey, honey!

After re-reading your letter, I think that the situation was handled badly all the way around – from Aimee’s tantrum to your sister-in-law’s passive attitude, to you and your wife picking up and leaving early – while this may have resolved your own discomfort, it probably made things even worse for the other guests (who may have deserved that discomfort for sitting passively and watching the drama unfold; I cannot say for certain since I was not there).

Putting aside the fact that Aimee’s mother needs to take charge of her daughter’s behavior – that is another issue altogether – I would like to address your handling of the whole gift-giving situation. You say that your wife spent a lot of time and money picking out what she thought was the perfect gift. While I appreciate her efforts, did she seek input from her sister on what Aimee might like? This small effort could have saved her the larger effort of searching for the perfect gift, and is the reason that weddings have registries and why children write letters to Santa. This oversight, however, in no way excuses Aimee’s behavior.

Your wife is right in saying that Aimee will have forgotten her behavior from Christmas by the time her birthday arrives. Withholding her gift when you have given her birthday gifts in the past will be a lesson lost on one so young. I suggest that you give Aimee a birthday gift, as usual. Should her reaction to your gift mirror her reaction at Christmas, calmly take the gift, put it back in the box, and tell Aimee that you will be returning it since she did not like it. Do not exchange the gift for something she likes; do not give her a gift card or merchandise credit; simply let her poor behavior be its own reward. If she questions your actions, when she realizes a new gift is not forthcoming, explain to her in language that a newly-minted nine year old can understand: a gift is not something that is automatic; it is given out of love, and when love is not shown back no gift the giver feels very hurt. A gift once given belongs to the recipient, but if rejected can be taken back by the giver. If your sister-in-law has a problem with this, you can take the issue up with her – privately, not in front of her child.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Tazi's Corner #26: Let's Eradicate The Use Of "Baby Mama"


Dear Readers:

As a cat, I am often confused by your human habits – like why you leave the house to go to work instead of sleeping all day, why you dislike the dead animals we bring you, and why you have a need for caffeine in the morning. These habits all pale in comparison to the way you disrespect yourselves and each other.

There is a phrase that never fails to raise my hackles, one that will probably be getting more and more use now that Kanye West and KimKardashian are expecting a baby. The phrase – which Mr. West used to introduce Ms. Kardashian at a recent concert – is “Baby Mama”

UrbanDictionary.com – the leading source for up-to-the-minute definitions of cultural slang- defines “baby mama” as “The mother of your child(ren), whom you did not marry and with whom you are not currently involved.”. Further definitions go into detail of how a “baby mama” was never her “baby daddy’s” girlfriend but rather a casual sex partner or a one-night stand. Regardless of the type of past relations that brought the child into existence, the title of “baby mama” is usually used in a derogatory or passive manner, said with so little care or emotion as to impart the impression that the woman in question means nothing – and never did – to the man whose child she bore. If this is not the ultimate disrespect for a woman – to see her as nothing more than an incubator for human seed – than will someone please explain to me how much worse it can get!

Men, to call the woman who bore your child your “baby mama” denies her very person-hood; it denigrates her; it denies her the right to claim a place in your past or your present – and most likely your future – as she is denied the social position of “girlfriend”, “ex-girlfriend”, or even “ex-wife” and is referred to as someone who is connected to you exclusively through your child, as if she is nothing to you but someone you tolerate her in order to have access to your offspring. I understand that relationships end, not all of them well, and when there are children involved you cannot just walk away, no matter how much you would like to do just that. I understand that lives move in different directions, that people change, and that past feelings are washed away with time…but for the sake of your child, don’t forget those past feelings; be a real man and acknowledge your past for what it was, not how you would like to present it to future conquests. Regardless of what you would like to believe, reproducing is not manly; almost anyone can do it. Respecting your child's mother and being there to help raise your child is what a real man does.

If, at the end of the day, all your “baby mama” is to you is a woman you had meaningless sex with and see as a piece of human [garbage], it says a lot more about you as a person than it does about her; it says that you are not man enough to treat your child’s mother with the respect owed to the woman who makes up half of your child. By disrespecting your child’s mother you are disrespecting your child; by calling her [garbage] you are saying your child is half [garbage], too. If, at the end of the day, all your “baby mama” is to you is a woman you had meaningless sex with and see as a piece of human [garbage], it also says that you are more animal than human, so controlled and blinded by your sexual urges that you lack the common sense to wear a condom.

Women, I hear you cheering, but you are not off the hook here! I applaud you for choosing to raise the child(ren) that you were not planning on having, but being a Mom means earning the respect of that title, and demanding that respect once you have earned it. Be a Mother, not a muther. Resist the urge to bad-mouth your child’s father; you never know when your little one might be within hearing distance. Learn to put your wants second to your child’s needs – this may sound like a no-brainer, but this desire does not come instinctively to all women. Most importantly, do not allow anyone – from your child’s father to your own family – call you a “baby mama”! Do not embrace the term as a compliment because it is not! Do not be fooled into thinking it makes you someone in the eyes of your child's father; it makes you nothing but a notch in his bedpost!! Demand to be referred to by your name first, and then your title of “my child’s mother"; refuse to allow someone else to determine your identity, especially if that someone thinks so little of you in the first place.

Young ones are the most precious gift we can receive in this life, and like all gifts we have the responsibility to cherish them, but we also have the responsibility of raising them to be responsible, caring (or at least altruistic) beings. If the animal world can do this, surely the human world can, too. Children learn not only the lessons we teach them, but the lessons we do not realize we are teaching them. Do you want your child to see his or her mother as nothing more than a piece of [garbage]? In 2013, let’s work to eradicate the use of the term “baby mama” and work towards respecting the women who have born members of the next generation - and that goes double for the women who need to learn to respect themselves.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Competitive Eating Requires A Lot Of Training, Strong Stomach

Dear Tazi:

Have you ever seen the movie Cool Hand Luke? It’s an old movie. My brother and I were stuck home with the flu and Grandma was watching us and she put that movie on to watch. It was okay, but what was really awesome was when that Paul Newman guy had to eat 50 hard boiled eggs in an hour. GROSS! My brother challenged me to do it. I don’t think it can be done. I think the movie faked it. My Dad is a weightlifter and he says too much protein will make you sick and eggs are all protein. My brother says I am scared to lose. My Mom says no, because it would be a waste of food. My brother says he will pay for the eggs with his allowance, but Mom still says no.

Do you think it can be done, Tazi? Can a person eat 50 hard boiled eggs in one hour? My brother has a plan to get Mom to say yes.

Signed,
Cool Hand Jeffrey

Dear Cool Hand Jeffrey:

You did see how sick that “Paul Newman guy” looked after eating a couple dozen hard boiled eggs, right? And that was only half of what he was supposed to eat, and he was a full grown man! Eggs are almost all protein and fat – two substances that make you feel really full, really fast so you don’t need to eat a lot of them. Also, protein takes a while to digest, so your tummy can only hold so much of it; try to stuff down too much at once and you will throw up!

Cats barf too much to make good competitive eaters...

There are many different types of competitive eating contests, the most famous one being the Nathan’s Famous 4th of July Hot dog Eating contest, where you see people eating enormous amounts of food in a very short time. Like weightlifters and other athletes, these people train to do what they do so they do not get hurt or sick. So, to answer your question can a person eat 50 hard boiled eggs in one hour? Only if they work their way up to it; just like a weightlifter cannot dead-lift 300 pounds on the first try, neither can a person eat 50 hard-boiled eggs on the first try. Don’t waste your money or food by trying; not everything you see in the movies is real.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Division Of Space Between New Step-Sisters Is A Tricky Problem To Solve


Dear Tazi:

I only just discovered your column so you will probably print this after the fact, but here is my problem anyway. My Mom is getting remarried New Year’s Eve (2012) and the man she is marrying has an 8-year-old daughter, “Cindy”. She’s a cute kid, and I have nothing against her, but I am 15-years-old so I really have nothing in common with her, either.

Because my mother owns her own house and “Bradley” rents, he will be moving in with us after the wedding. Again, I have no problem with this so long as he respects my privacy and doesn’t turn my life into a Lifetime TV movie! My problem is that Bradley has visitation with Cindy one day a week (a non-overnight visit) and two weekends a month for overnight stays. He and my Mom have decided that, since Cindy will not be with us full time, she does not need her own bedroom. They are keeping our third bedroom/office as an office and expect me to share my bedroom with Cindy!

Tazi, my mother told me that I will have to give up my double bed to make room for two twin beds, and that I will have to get all new furniture to match the furniture that they will be buying for Cindy. The kid is only going to be sleeping over four nights a month! I do not see why I have to split my bedroom full-time or get rid of my stuff to make room for her! They get to keep their “study” instead of turning it into a guest bedroom!

I know that sounds bratty, but I have tried to make a calm and reasonable argument with my mother but it didn’t work. Bradley went all father-figure on me and told me that this was his home now, too, and that meant it was his daughter’s home as well and that we were to make her feel welcome. Like I said, Tazi, Cindy is a cute kid, but she is A) a kid, and will probably want to decorate the room like a kid’s room and act like a little kid when she is in there and B) she is not going to be around all that much. My mother told me that if I could think of a reasonable solution to the problem we could take that route instead, but I don’t know what to suggest that does not involve me giving up my space. Can you think of a solution – quickly? Bradley wants to go furniture shopping ASAP.

Signed,
Soon-To-Be Stepsister

Dear Soon-To-Be Stepsister:

I get the distinct impression that you do not care for Bradley. While this may seem neither here nor there, it is an important factor in the dynamic you describe. You do not say how long your parents have been divorced, but I get the impression that for the last few years (at least) it has been just you and your Mom, and now there are new people entering your home and your private life. This can be a big adjustment on its own, but to add on the stress of losing 1/2 of your bedroom to a child 1/2 of your age who will only be there to occupy it 1/10th of the month…this can present an overwhelming amount of stress.

Try not to blame your Mom, but to see things from her point of view. She has just become a stepmother and is trying to make her new stepdaughter (who is going through her own stresses right now) feel like a welcome part of the family. In her zeal to impress this welcome upon both Cindy and Bradley, you are the one getting unfairly pushed.

If your mother and stepfather are adamant about keeping their office space an office and not a hybrid office/guest room, the only other solution is to put Cindy in your room. Personally, I do not believe that an eight year old should be sharing a room with a fifteen year old. Unless the two are extremely close, this is a recipe for argument and disaster! I suggest that, rather than split the room down the middle – which I agree is an unfair division of space – or invest in a whole new room of furniture – which can be expensive – that your parents invest in a trundle bed for Cindy. A trundle bed stores neatly under the main bed and can be pulled out for use as necessary. Hopefully, you will be willing to create some space – say two drawers worth – in your dresser for Cindy to put her stuff, and perhaps even a little bit of closet space, as well. This plan will allow Cindy to feel welcome without infringing on your rights to personal space, too. Furthermore, it will cut down on the problem of not having something she needs because it’s a t Daddy’s house, because with the exception of a few essentials she will be packing up her stuff when she leaves each Sunday night.

I suggest you show your letter to your Mom, as well as the response I have given; then, open up a real conversation on the topic of your personal space – and what I think are your fears of coming in second to your new stepsister.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year 2013 From Tazi-Kat

Dear Readers,

I have a New Year's wish for you! It is similar to last year's wish for you, with updates to reflect the changing times!

May your year be filled with good health, good friends, and good luck. May you always remember to appreciate the happy times, and each other. May sadness fade with the support of friends, family, and community; and may outpourings of love and compassion salve the bitter sting of tragedy.

And belly rubs! I also wish you belly rubs!

May work be plentiful, but not overwhelming; may your pockets be so full of coin that you do not hesitate to share with those less fortunate; and may there always be time at the end of the d.ay to enjoy some quality time with your loved ones (including belly rub time!)

May your cup of life always be full, and its contents ever sweet; may all of your dreams come true, and your nightmares fade with the dawn. (Belly rubbing a cat can help to accomplish this end!).

Wishing you all a happy, healthy, blessed 2013 that is full of abundance, joy, and plenty of belly rubs!

The kitten has spoken!
Snuggles to all,

Tazi-Kat