Controlling Fiancé Needs To Go, Not Childhood Memento

Dear Tazi:

I have a favorite stuffed animal that my father won for me at the fair, back when I was a little girl. It’s just a silly, little stuffed bear; but it means the world to me. Daddy won it for me just a few days before he died in a car accident, so “Benson” became a symbol of his love for me. Even though I have long outgrown the need to sleep with stuffies, Benson has a place of honor on my bed.

Benson has followed me wherever I have gone at night, from sleepovers at friends’ houses (they all know how much Benson means to me and why) to my college dormitory, where I discovered other people have their own special mementoes from childhood. Benson is as much a part of me as breathing, and I cannot imagine shoving him aside – he has even gone on business trips with me, sitting on the nightstand next to my bed.

My problem is that I am getting married in a few months, and my fiancé does not like Benson. He says that Benson played an important role in my life, acting as a surrogate in place of the man in my life (my father) but now that he is to be my husband he will be the protective man in my life. He wants me to leave Benson behind after we are married. I am not so sure that I can do that. Benson was never a “surrogate” for my father – no stuffed creature could replace a living human being; but he is an important physical reminder of my father’s love for me. Daddy threw baseballs at a stack of milk jugs until his arm just about fell off, all because he knew how much I wanted that bear! My fiancé can’t understand this, and has threatened to dispose of Benson should he find him anywhere in our marital home. I am not sure what to do; I do not want to put Benson in danger of being destroyed, but I do not want to leave him at my mother’s house, either. What do you suggest, Tazi? Is it time to dump Benson and move on with my life?

Signed,
Daddy’s Girl

Dear Daddy’s Girl:

No, it is not time to dump Benson and move on with your life (unless he is a real-life Ted); it is time to dump your fiancé and move on with your life. Any man who would be as callous and controlling to threaten to “dispose” of something that has such deep, personal meaning to you has major control issues. Yes, Benson was given to you by another man, but that man was your later father – not an ex-boyfriend!

If you cannot find it in your heart to call off your wedding, I strongly suggest postponing it until the two of you have had several pre-marital counseling sessions which include a clearing of the air on issues like Benson. I hate to be so blunt in matters of the heart, but I see nothing but trouble ahead if you marry this man. I wish I could be more encouraging, but I cannot. I also realize that you will probably not take my advise, unless you were writing because you were looking for someone to confirm the choice you have already made in your heart. I wish you all the best. Please write back and let me and my readers know where life takes you.

Snuggles to you and Benson,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Sexually Transmitted Infection Is Not Something You Want To Fool Around With!

Dear Tazi:

For the past few months, I have been having pain in my [scrotum]. I have no health insurance, in spite of the new healthcare law, so I put off going to the doctor until I couldn't take the pain anymore. That is when I found out I have gonorrhea. I am bisexual, but know that you don't get gonorrhea from entering in the back door, if you know what I am saying, which is why I am positive that it was my most recent ex-girlfriend that gave it to me.

I called "Joan" to ream her out for giving me the clap; she freaked out on me, denying that she gave it to me because she does not have it and flipped out on me for "exposing" her to an STD. My doctor had to report my case to the state Department of Health, so now my name is on a list somewhere of people who are infected. I don't think it is fair that my ex gets off for free and I am stuck with a large medical bill and a mark against my name.

Do you know if I can legally force Joan to show me her medical records, proving whether or not she gave me gonorrhea (and is therefore legally responsible for my medical bills, pain and suffering, and punitive damages) or if she has even been tested in the first place? She claimed that she went for her annual visit to the gynecologist a few weeks ago and that all of her tests - including the mandatory STD testing - all came back negative; but I think she is lying to me. We last slept together six months ago, so it could be that she just doesn't have symptoms yet.

Signed,
Hurting Down Below

Dear Hurting Down Below:

I would like to correct you of a few misconceptions you seem to be living with: first, it is entirely possible to catch gonorrhea through anal intercourse, so there is a good chance that you caught your STD from your male lover(s). Second, when you choose to partake in sexual intercourse you choose to take on the risks that accompany your decision - including the possibility of catching an STI - sexually transmitted infection, which is the proper term. Therefore, you probably do not have the right to sue her for pain and suffering and punitive damages; however, you may want to check the laws in your state.

Whereas a few states have laws that require you to inform a sexual partner that you have an STI, many people do not know that they have one until they start experiencing symptoms. For women, symptoms generally appear within a week; for men it can take as long as a month for symptoms to appear, if symptoms appear at all. Considering that you and Joan had not had intercourse with each other for several months prior to your diagnosis, and that Joan's annual medical workup came back clean I feel comfortable believing her side of the story - that she does not have gonorrhea.

As for forcing Joan to reveal her medical records, you have no legal right to do this. If Joan had been treated for gonorrhea her case would have had to be reported to the state Department of Health as well - not to put a mark against her name, but to work backwards through her sexual history so all of her previous partners could be contacted and tested. There is a good chance that Joan's recent visit to the gynecologist was prompted by a call from the Department of Health, or it could just be a coincidence that her annual exam was scheduled for this time. Regardless, the Department of Health would have contacted her about getting tested, just as they would have contacted you if Joan had been the one to test positive for gonorrhea.

I think you should chalk this incident up to experience, and learn a valuable lesson in the process: always wear protection when you are engaging in intercourse with someone of an unknown sexual history. For more information on gonorrhea, its symptoms, visit the U.S. National Library of Medicine.

Safe Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Most states and large metropolitan areas have health clinics that will treat gonorrhea - and other STI's - for free.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adulthood Means Making your Own Decisions, Standing By Them

Dear Tazi:

I am 25 years old and have moved out into my own apartment after finishing my Masters degree in Finance this past spring.  I have a great job, a great apartment, and great friends, but life is not all that great.  While I lived at home, my parents took care of everything for me.  I never had to worry about cooking dinner - it always just appeared on the table.  Cleaning was done by the maid and I paid a laundry service to take care of my dirty clothes and bed linens.  The cat was always fed if I did not have time to feed him, and all I had to do was concentrate on school.

Now that I am living on my own, I am discovering that life is a lot harder than I realized!  If I forget to take something out of the freezer for dinner, I still have to make dinner or pay to eat out; either that or make a sandwich or grab a bowl of soup.  I never realized how much energy it took to keep a household running - grocery shopping, bill paying, and the like all must be done on a regular schedule.  I always knew this needed to be done - I do have a graduate degree in Finance - but I also thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.

My problem is with my friends.  None of them have really grown up yet.  None of them are married and they all either still live at home or in bare-bones apartments with each other, where they can't afford furniture but have a sweet 80" flat-screen HDTV.  Because my apartment is the nicest and most well-maintained, they all want to hang out at my place.  Having my friends over once in a while during the week or on weekends is nice, but Tazi I have both work and the responsibilities mentioned above to manage!  I would like to explain this to them, but every time I try I break down and join them in having fun; after seven years of college (undergraduate and graduate school) I think I deserve a little fun.

Unfortunately, the "fun" has been interfering with my sleep schedule, and it has been showing at work.  My supervisor is a really nice man, and he asked me if I was having problems in my personal life to cause the kind of stress I am exhibiting...I lied and told him that my mother has been sick and that I have been spending my nights at home assisting her.  Tazi, I felt like such a jerk lying to my boss but I didn't know what to say!  I was afraid I would lose my job if I told the truth!

I realize what I have to do to get my life back on track: Tell  my friends that the party is over, start getting enough sleep at night so I can do my job properly in the morning, and end the lie about my Mom being sick. I am planning for her to make a quick recovery, so I can leave the lie in my past, but how can I get my friends to straighten out and see that I am serious about being a professional?

Signed,
Financier

Dear Financier:

I would say that Step 1 should be to call your Mom and apologize for dragging her name into your lie.  Your desire to cover your butt is how rumors get started; squash them immediately and resolve to never lie again!

Step 2 is to get your friends back to their apartments and end the weeknight partying.  This is a lot easier than you think; you simply explain to your friends what you have told me: that living the live of a professional is tiring, keeping a clean and organized apartment is time consuming, and you simply do not have time to party with them during the week.  Then, you lock the doors to your apartment and do not open them should your friends be ignorant enough to come knocking.  I realize this course of action will not be an easy one to take, but adulthood means making your own decisions and being responsible for the consequences.  The decisions you have made thus far are not working out for you, so it's time to try a different path.

Step 3 is to realize that you cannot force your friends to "straighten out" any more than they can force you to party with them; all you can control is your own behavior and your own boundaries.  This may put some distance between you and your friends because, sad to say, it sounds as if you have outgrown them, which brings me to Step 4:  Cultivate some new friendships.

The field of Finance is a large one, where networking can help you get ahead in the world.  I suggest that you  try joining some professional organizations and attending the events they sponsor.  You will meet new people whose lives are more in tune to your own and you will be able to promote your career at the same time.  In time, as your current friends start to grow up, they will understand your position and may or may not decide to reach out to you again.  If they do, give them a second chance; some people take more time to mature than others.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #47 - For The Love Of Shoes

Dear Readers,

Today I would like to discuss a favorite topic of my Mommie’s: shoes! Like many women, she has a shoe obsession. I find this ironic because she never actually wears shoes unless forced; she prefers to walk barefoot, regardless of the weather or the season (she will walk through the snow to retrieve the morning newspaper while barefoot if she can’t find her boots!).

This past week, Mommie got a shoe catalog in the mail. She got all excited, said something about needing new shoes for work, and pounced on it like it was a mouse or a ball of yarn. She cooed over a pair of red shoes with white polka dots; looked longingly at a pair of purple wedges; and salivated over a pair of two-tone pumps when I gently reminded her that she is a Park Naturalist and spends her days climbing rocks and walking brush-strewn trails. I hardly think an “after 5” stiletto is the appropriate footwear for such a job and pointed to a practical pair of taupe colored Birkenstock sandals. Mommie just made a face at me and complained that she needed an office job, then went right back to her “shoe porn”.

She was Minnie Mouse in a past life...

How is it that she found shoes more fascinating than me, her dear little kitty? I decided to interview the women I know about their shoe fascination, and why they love shoes so much. The answers were quite reveling!

“I love shoes because my feet are the only part of my body that aren’t fat”

“I am short, so I wear wicked high heels to make me look taller” [Ed. Note to English teachers: In and around Boston, “wicked”, though grammatically incorrect, it our pseudo-adverb of choice].

“Due to my hip structure I will never wear a size 5 waist but I can still say I wear a size 5, thanks to my tiny feet!”

“For the most part, shoes sizes run true to size. You can’t say that about [women’s] clothes, especially jeans! It is just more fun to shop for shoes.”

“With shoes, I can express my creativity. I work in a very conservative office, so it’s all business suits, for both men and women. I could not imagine wearing a Betsy Johnson dress to the office, but I can wear her shoes!”

“Feet deserve a treat. They support the weight of our body, we walk around on them all day; they go through enough punishment, so why punish them further by making them wear ugly shoes?”

“I like bright colors, but I think if I bought a hot pink suit my boss would ask me if the circus was in town; a pair of hot pink pumps make a nice accent to a navy blue or black business suit, and they make a statement. That statement is [singing] ‘you can’t take that away from me!’.”

Just try to take these away from me!

“I am only 5’2” and when I wear flats people don’t seem to notice me or take me seriously; they think I am a kid. My high heeled shoes give me the height I need to get noticed.”

“I think I look sexy in nice shoes. I don’t care if I am the only one who thinks that; if I feel sexy, I feel confident and if I feel confident I look and act confident. Shoes are like therapy only better because they cost less and you can wear them.”

I was quite amazed at the variety of answers women gave for their love affair with shoes. I never realized how empowering the right pair of shoes can be to a woman! Although Cinderella used her shoes to catch a prince, it seems that women today are using their shoes for so much more! Bravo to you all! Maybe I should reconsider those taupe colored Birkenstock sandals after all.

Practical with a good sole, but altogether lacking soul...

What does the right pair of shoes mean to you? Share your thoughts in the comments section!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline. 

Believing An Urban Legend Can Be Costly

Dear Tazi:

My life is like a bad cliché. My husband has entered full-fledged mid-life crisis mode, and has run off with his secretary. Our pre-nuptial agreement states that in the case of a divorce all assets shall be equally divided or sold and the proceeds equally divided. I am tempted to sell his Corvette (his mid-life crisis mobile) to my brother – for a dollar. I can only imagine the look on his face when I send him a cashier’s check for his half. My mother says I am being petty and that I could get into some serious trouble for doing something like this; my brother says that I shouldn’t listen to Mom, that she is just taking my soon-to-be ex-husband’s side. My attorney advises against it, too, but it just seems like it would be fun. I have read about this sort of thing on the Internet; but my Mother tells me those stories are just urban legend. What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Tossed Off Like A [Feminine Hygiene Product]

Dear Tossed Off Like A [Feminine Hygiene Product]:

First, let me tell you that that correct lyric to Manfred Mann’s version of “Blinded By the Light” (written by Bruce Springsteen) is “revved up like a deuce”, not “tossed off like a...” I am told this is a sensitive issue for Mr. Springsteen, and would like to do my part to keep the myth from perpetrating.

Second, I can understand why you would want to sell your husband’s Mid-Life Crisis Mobile for a fraction of a percent of its worth; but doing so might leave you legally on the hook for the balance of the fair-market value. Depending on the laws where you live and the exact wording of your pre-nuptial agreement, your practical joke may end up costing you a bundle. Are you certain that vengeance will still be yours?

Your brother is the only one with something to gain in this whole financial exchange, so of course he is going to encourage you to go through with it. If you will not listen to the advice of your mother, please listen to your attorney – he is being paid to look out for your best interests, even if you refuse to do so yourself. Whether the stories on the Internet are urban legend or not, if true they most likely do not tell the rest of the story.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. For your listening pleasure, here is Manfred Mann's Earth Band!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Chef Has Problems Simmering At Home

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional chef at a high end restaurant.  I mention this because I am beginning to think that my (live-in) girlfriend is only staying with me for my cooking.  I love my job. "Gina", however, thinks that because I am a chef I should do all of the cooking.  When I say I would rather not, she pouts and claims that I am "holding out" on her; that I am giving my best to my customers and saving nothing for her.  Tazi, this is not true.

I enjoy cooking, and do my share of the cooking at home.  I have no problem with cooking breakfast or brunch on days that I work evenings, and enjoy cooking dinner on my nights off.  I do all of the laundry and keep the house neat, if not clean.  Gina, in return, has been doing less and less over the past several months.  When I mentioned this to her, she got very upset and accused me of being sexist and accusing me of implying that housework is a woman's job, which is why I must not want to cook for her.  Gina then told me that if I wasn't such a good cook she would have left a long time ago.  I was so angry, I stormed out of our apartment and spent the night at my brother's place.  In my defense, I texted her about an hour later to let her know where I was and that I would return when I was calm enough to face her.  Since it was getting late, my brother suggested I crash at his place.

When I came home the next morning, I had decided it was best for me to pack my stuff and find another place to live, at least while I sorted out my thoughts on where my relationship with Gina was going.  Tazi, you think I had been gone for a week considering the way Gina greeted me!  She was all apologies, saying that she didn't mean a word of what she said; that she was just angry; and could we kiss and make-up.  Well, we did and things were OK for a few weeks, but Gina is starting to fall back into her old habits of doing little and whining when I refuse to do more.  I am starting to believe that she meant what she said about only staying with me for my cooking.  What do you think, Tazi?  I need an opinion, and am kind of embarrassed to ask the guys about it.

Signed,
Chef K.

Dear Chef K.:

While I cannot say for certain what your girlfriend did or did not mean, it does look as though she enjoys the perks of dating a chef more than she enjoys the responsibilities of being part of a committed couple.  While it must be nice to have a high-end chef cooking one's every meal, those who receive need to see things from the chef's point of view.  You are right in feeling used over Gina's demands that you cook every meal, and angry that she has tried to twist your request for an equal splitting of the house-chores into a sexist demand for her to be a Little Suzy Homemaker.

And then he woke up...

I will lay it on the line for you, since that seems to be what you want: I think it is time for you to go ahead with your original plan and move out of your shared apartment with Gina until you can figure out where it is your relationship is going and upon what it is actually based.  It does not sound as if there is mutual respect between the two of you, which needs to be the basis of a lasting relationship.

If you are financially responsible for the lease and cannot move out until it is up for renewal you may have to stay in this difficult situation until that time has come.  I suggest that you handle such a scenario by talking with Gina now about what it is you need from her to keep your relationship afloat, and what it is you need to do for yourself to give you the fortitude to renew your commitment to her.  The communication in your relationship appears to be sorely lacking.  This might be the wake-up call you both need.

Snuggles,
Tazi

 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Death Put The Brakes On The Divorce, Widow Now Wants To Date

Dear Tazi:

My marriage was positively miserable for all but a few years. Now that the last of my children is grown and has graduated college, I was planning on leaving their father – I even had the divorce papers drawn up and ready to be delivered – when he took a big, fat heart attack and died. I cannot say that I am saddened by his passing because I am saved the trouble of going through with a divorce and have gained the sympathy and respect of my community as a widow.

My problem is that now that I’m free I would like to start dating. I don’t have anyone in mind, but was considering one of those Internet dating sites or singles mingles. What is an appropriate time for me to wait before jumping back in to the dating world? I would hate to scandalize my children, who thought my marriage to their father was one for the ages, but at the same time I am ready to enjoy my freedom!

Signed,
Just Call Me Scarlett

Dear Just Call me Scarlett:

Depending on where you live and the culture in which you were raised a person’s time of mourning can vary greatly. My community is heavy to the Italian culture, where it seems that a woman mourns her late husband for the rest of her life. In large urban areas, such as New York or Los Angeles, less weight is put upon propriety and more consideration is given for personal fulfillment, meaning a period of mourning lasts as long as you feel it should.

My personal view on an appropriate mourning period is a year and a day. This allows you to live through all of the days/dates that were important to your marriage at least once, and gives you the chance to experience them by yourself; the extra day is so you do not start dating on the anniversary of your spouse’s death. That’s just tacky. I realize your marriage was not the greatest, but often times we do not realize what we have until it is gone. Your first wedding anniversary without your husband; your first holiday season; your first family tradition without him present will be a time of adjustment for all – especially your children; out of respect for them and their need to mourn, allow for time to provide a healthy distance between their father’s passing and the introduction to Mom the Swinging Single.

I am not saying you need to live like a mourning dove for the next 366 days. By all means, get out there and enjoy life! Discover a new hobby or indulge in an old one; take lessons to learn a new skill; join a book discussion club through your local library or book store; take a class at the community college – in other words, live like you were dying. All of this will help you to rediscover your sense of self as you adjust to being a single/widowed woman, help you to meet new friends and cultivate relationships, and maybe even meet potential romantic partners. Nurturing your soul will not only help you heal from your years of misery, it will help your children adjust to the idea that Mom is a person in her own right, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Seeking a Promotion, Promote Yourself; Don't Downgrade Others

Dear Tazi:

I work in Inside Sales and Customer Service taking orders for a large clothing manufacturer. I have a new co-worker who believes that you should not only dress for the job you want (as the old adage goes) but also act like you have the job you want, to prove to higher-ups that you are qualified for the position. Unfortunately this new co-worker wants a job in a supervisory position, which means he goes around acting like everyone else’s boss.

“Harold” takes notes throughout the day on everyone’s job performance and then leaves detailed memos on our desks after we have left for the evening (he actually stays late to type up these memos!). Most of the time, Harold’s notes pick up on small minutia that has no bearing on the quality of our job (one note he left me said I needed to type in a more traditional manner) or they are completely off-base, accusing people of fault that simply does not exist.

Last week, Harold brought some quality control issues to the attention of our department (that turned out to be a problem with the machinery, not the operators) and perhaps we should band together to demand better training of them (problems with quality = returns = money out of our commissions). For me, this was the last straw and I let Harold know that his notes were not appreciated. Harold is now sending his memos directly to our supervisor, who wants to know if these nitpicks have any merit: are we making mistakes that could cost the company money? Is it human error that is causing problems with the machinery? (The boss’ bonus is based upon the number of satisfied customers per month). Tazi, the machinery is thirty years old; it is bound to have issues!

The rumor about the warehouse connected to our company is that their Assistant Manager is planning an early retirement due to a family illness; because of this news, Harold has stepped up is memos campaign in an attempt to further impress himself among the higher-ups in my company. The thought of having Harold in a supervisor’s position is sickening enough, Tazi, but I was planning on putting in for this promotion myself! This puts me in a Catch-22: If I speak to my supervisor about Harold’s attitude, it will look like I am bad-mouthing my competition; but if I let Harold’s behavior slide I may end up having to respect him as the Manager of a department that I work closely with…and I think I would sooner quit!

Signed,
Harried Over Harold

Dear Harried Over Harold:

Why have you waited so long to complain about Harold? Why have any of you waited so long? If the man is overreaching his authority and acting in a supervisory position, you have a valid complaint against him, and should take this complaint to your Supervisor or Human Resources Manager – the sooner the better. While a rumor that someone may be retiring does not a promotional opportunity make, if there is any truth to this rumor you would want to have all of your ducks in a row before the opportunity to advance presents itself.

It is obvious that Harold is eager to advance within the company, but he is going about it in the wrong way. When looking to promote from within, employers seek to promote people who their employees will respect as a Manager; from the sound of it, Harold lacks this important qualification. I will not say that you have nothing to worry about with regard to Harold being promoted over you; rather, I will suggest that you be proactive about the possibility of earning a promotion yourself. Ask yourself:

Do any of Harold’s memos regarding your personal or team work performance have merit?

Do you possess the education and experience needed to hold the Assistant Manager position?

Is there anything in your personnel file that might exclude you from consideration for a management position?

Is your résumé up to date and tailored towards impressing your qualifications upon the Hiring Manager?

Is your current supervisor supportive of your desire for advancement, and would s/he be willing to recommend you for the position?

Affirmative answers to all of these questions will go a long way towards getting you the promotion you seek. Rather than focusing on Harold and his annoying memos, focus instead on your own path to achievement.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Short History of April Fool's Day

Dear Readers:

Last year, I came across an old copy of the Encyclopedia Britannica while sniffing around the bookshelf for a good place to nap - a la Fredrick the Literate.

Frederick is a champion napper and my personal hero!

Being the curious cat that I am, I pulled out the first book in the series - subjects beginning with the letter "A" - and started reading about the history of April Fool's Day. I did not know that humans needed a special day to play pranks on people. We cats do it all the time, regardless of the occasion. Anyhow I decided to share my knowledge with you last year and decided to do it again this year, for those who missed it!

There are many tales of the origin of April Fool's Day. The most widely believed is that it dates back to the mid-1500's, when the Gregorian calendar was adopted in England; switching the feast of the New Year from March 25 through April 1 (a week long celebration in honor of the Spring Equinox, which actually makes sense) to January 1, a single day in the middle of the winter. News traveled slowly back then and, as now, people were not fond of change. Because of this, there were still many who insisted on celebrating the New Year on April 1. Those who celebrated on January 1 would then make fun of those celebrating the New Year on April 1, and would often play good-natured jokes on them. Although this historical event popularized the April 1 date as a day for pranks, it is not what originated it.

As far back as the mid-5th century (1,000 years earlier) the Persians (now Iraqis) celebrated their own New Year with the celebration of Sizdah Bedar (literal translation: getting rid of 13) which falls on the 13th day of the New Year and the final day of celebration, generally April 1. It is a day to play pranks on each other and to be festive and joyful; and is actually one of the older holiday traditions still active in the world today. It is believed that this tradition was carried from Persia (Iraq) by European traders, who found the practice befitting their own celebration on that date.

April Fool's Day is a holiday celebrated by many countries throughout the world; especially those in Europe, where the celebration often takes on a life of its own with the media getting involved to assist in the perpetrating of jokes and hoaxes. Perhaps the most famous April Fool's Day hoax was the one about the Swiss Spaghetti Harvest, reported as actual news by the highly reputed BBC News, the perpetrators of the joke.

To go with all the meatballs, ja!

For more interesting tales of April Fool's Day jokes, check out the blog The Museum of Hoaxes. The British are also responsible for what might also be the longest running April Fool's Day joke: sending people to the Tower of London to witness the annual Washing of the Lions. Started in 1698, the prank continued to fool citizens right up through the mid-19th century; when, presumably, communications had improved through the printing of newspapers.

However you decide to spend your April Fool's Day - whether you try to convince someone that the restaurant chain Taco Bell has purchased the naming rights to the Liberty Bell (and is renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell) or you decide to try and shut down your downtown business district, have fun doing it! And for more ideas on various hoaxes to pull, check out The Museum of Hoaxes multi-blog article on The Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time - each hoax intro leads to a full-page article (no joke!) that will keep you busy all day, leaving your cat the entire day to nap on top of your newspaper. It's a win-win situation!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Second Generation Friendship Will Take Time To Develop

Dear Tazi:

There is a woman I know ho I have been friends with since childhood. We both have young children (under the age of 2 and still in diapers) and "Rowena" constantly talks about the future they will have together. She will say things like "when the children become Brownies and then Girl Scouts together" or "when the girls take swim lessons together at the YMCA".

Tazi, right now our girls socialize together because they have no choice but to accept each others company. They get along well, but they are still babies! Neither child has reached an age where she is asserting her independence or preferences for certain friends. I would love for my daughter and my best friend's daughter to grow up as close best friends, but I am not going to force this on her. Neither will I push her to join Girl Scouts or to take swimming lessons at the Y. I will encourage her to try new and different things and of course allow her to join Scouts if she truly wants to, but I believe in letting a child develop at their own natural pace. When I was a kid I was forced to play a sport I hated and I swore I would never do this to my own child.

I have tried to politely tell Rowena that time will tell what kind of activities our girls will enjoy, but she just pouts and tells me that I am "sucking all thE fun out of motherhood", which raises other concerns in my mind. Can you think of a way to let Rowena know that I am not interested in planning my daughter's social calendar for five years down the road? And how should I respond to her accusation that I am "sucking the fun out of motherhood"?   If controlling her child's every step is what Rowena considers "fun", I fear for the future of her daughter - and my own.

Signed,
Enjoying Motherhood...One Day At A Time

Dear Enjoying Motherhood...One Day At ATime:

It appears to me that you and Rowena have very different parenting styles. Please do not allow this to affect your lifelong friendship. People change throughout their lives, and parenthood is one more change your friendship can weather. It is quite obvious that your relationship with Rowena means a great deal to her, and that she would like for it to continue through the second generation (and maybe even beyond). You need to ask why this is so important to Rowena.

Rowena sounds like she is lonely, and having a difficult time adjusting to motherhood. Her only fun in raising her daughter is to plan her future down to the last detail? Why is she unable to enjoy her daughter in the here and now? Could Rowena be suffering from depression, postpartum or otherwise? Considering the length of your friendship, this should not be an uncomfortable topic to broach with Rowena; the next time she starts talking about the future, suggest that you both concentrate on enjoying the here and now, and gently probe to see if there are reasons Rowena is having trouble doing that. Reassure Rowena that her friendship is very important to you, and that you cannot imagine a time that you will not be there for each other.

If Rowena keeps insisting on making far-flung future plans, just smile and remind her that you look forward to what the future brings, but prefer to enjoy living in the present, and that before signing your daughter up for any activities you would like the child's personal input on the matter - which she will be unable to give until she starts talking; then, turn the conversation back to whatever it is the children are enjoying at present.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #52: Twelve Things Every 18 Year Old Should Know Before Embarking Out Into The World

Dear Readers:

Tazi ate something that didn’t agree with him and is now recovering from an industrial-sized tummy ache, so he asked (well, rather told) me to write his column for this week because apparently he thinks I don’t have enough to do around the house now that I am done with school and only putting in 40 hours a week instead of 60. I almost told Tazi to run a re-run, that I am trying to clean the house after spending the last several years giving it no more than a lick and a promise (because something had to give) when I ran across a column on non-traditional baby showers (not for me, I promise…that ship has sailed).

One of the non-traditional ideas suggested was to have an “advice time capsule” where each of the guests gives the gift of advice to the child. I thought this was a great idea for the child who has everything, because what kid really needs a sterling silver rattle? I mean seriously, will the other kids at playcare make fun of him because his rattle came from Babies ‘R’ Us and not Tiffany’s? Furthermore, I find that children who stand a scary good chance of growing up to be the next Paris Hilton could really use some sound advice on how not to end up being the next Paris Hilton and instead become the next Oprah Winfrey. Since I am far from being the next Oprah Winfrey and most of my friends could use a helping hand with the cost of that stroller they are eyeing, I think that for the average person the “advice time capsule” should be a bonus, in addition to any regular gift you give.

And if you can afford to give this as your “regular gift”
I suggest you spring for the stroller instead

So how does the Advice Time Capsule work? Each guest writes down a piece of advice for the baby to read when they get older – say their 16^th, 18^th, or 21^st birthday; a box full of life’s lessons that you hope the child will take to heart because they are coming from someone other than mom and Dad who, as every teenager knows, know absolutely nothing about the world because they came of age shortly after the dinosaurs went extinct but sometime before Al Gore invented the Internet (gosh that line never gets old, at least not with me!).

Since I have no children of my own (I have nephews, nieces, young cousins, two adult almost-step-children, and, of course, a cat) I have decided to share my list of “Wish I Knew…’s” with you. Adults, please feel free to nod along and say things like  “EXACTLY!” and “OMG! That is SO true!” People under the age of 21, try not to roll your eyes too much (which is probably what I did when I was your age and at the age of 40 I am wishing I paid more attention).

Not all of this stuff on this list has happened to me; some of it happened to people I know or people I have met on my travels through the Community College where I work. Much of it is advice I have learned along the way from the students who have influenced me as much as I have influenced them.

Twelve Things Every 18 Year Old Should Know Before Embarking Out Into The World

1.       You are now old enough to get arrested. All that stupid stuff you did up until now really will go on that “permanent record” that your teachers always spoke of but you never actually saw. Think of it as a giant personnel file that every future employer will get to view before hiring you. Is being turned down for a job really worth tagging that wall with graffiti?

2.       The only way to get over a broken heart is time. Dating someone new isn’t going to help you forget the person you just lost; it’s only going to remind you that you are no longer with them. On the flip side, sitting at home and drowning your sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or drunk dialing your ex is not the way to go, either. Try not to be that person; instead, try to remember what life was like before you met the ex and get back to that place. Be the kind of person your ex will regret leaving.

3.       Always put learning first; success will follow. If you try to put success first by cramming (and thus saving time and regular effort) you won’t remember a thing in the long-run. This is especially true if you are in school; by the time you graduate and will have wasted thousands of dollars and a lot of time and energy on earning a piece of paper, not a degree. Once you finish school precious few people will care about your G.P.A. Care about it anyway, since it can earn you a good deal of scholarship money.

4.       Your first job is most likely going to suck; there is a (much smaller) chance that your second might suck, too. Rather than complain about it and call out sick let it motivate you to work hard so you can prove that you are worth a better job further up the career ladder. If by your third job you still hate work you either need to improve your work ethic or find a career field that is a better fit for you. While work should not necessarily be your life’s fulfillment, the thought of going to the office should not make you burst into tears.

5.       Take 10% of every paycheck and put it into savings. If you really cannot afford 10% (and I mean really, as in you are not spending $4.00 on a cup of Starbucks coffee every morning and you are brown-bagging your lunch really) put your loose change in a jar and make that your savings account. I once knew a guy who had over $2,000 in quarters in a 5-gallon Poland Springs water jug. He told me it was too inconvenient to try and spend it, too heavy for burglars to carry away, and if his car ever died it provided the cash on-hand to buy a new one. (Back then, you could get a quality used car for around $2,500. Adjust your savings accordingly).

6.       Limit your social networking and increase your face-time presence. This seems like an easy thing to do, but social networking can be very addictive, and quite honestly I don’t know anyone who is going to hire or recommend someone they know solely through Facebook or even LinkedIn. Social media is a great way to keep up with people you have met in person, so go out and make those contacts count for more than a regular opponent in WordsWith Friends.

Social media also tends to suck up all of your time...

7.       You are going to make some stupid decisions and do some really dumb things in spite of yourself. Own them, rather than try to blame someone else or, even worse, lie about it. Having a sense of personal responsibility can mean the difference between being successful in life and being the kind of person who is always struggling to get ahead and never understanding why people won’t take a chance on them.

8.       Learn from your mistakes. I know that this sounds like another no-brainer, but humans are creatures of habit and tend to repeat the same actions hoping for a different result simply because it is easier than trying a new way of doing something. This goes for everything from dating the wrong person (stop looking for Mister or Miss Right in a bar!) to bad spending habits. Even a bad relationship can teach you what you don’t want out of life. This brings me to…

9.       Take risks. My nephew likes to say “You gotta risk it to get the biscuit” which sticks with me because I like biscuits. Do your best to make your risks calculated ones, but even a stupid risk can result in success with a little luck…and if it results in failure, you will quickly learn not to like the feel of it, so that could work out in the end, too.

10.   Make your experiences meaningful. Nothing is worse than going through life on auto-pilot and wondering when something interesting is going to happen. Find interest by creating it. Ask questions – you might be surprised to discover that your boring old ancient auntie who you only see at the annual family reunion was once a Las Vegas showgirl!

And the party just got a lot more interesting!

11.   Follow your instincts. Human beings are the only creatures on earth that ignore their instincts. If you have a feeling that something is a good risk to take; that you should take one path over another; or even that the decision you are about to make is a bad one, trust that feeling. Push away your fears, and if the feeling is still there, trust it. On the other hand, you should not be afraid to…

12.   Face your fears. Everyone has at least one irrational fear. When something is keeping you from doing something you either want or need to do, you need to build a bridge and get over it. If public speaking is what slays you, take a class in how to do it right. If you have a fear of flying, remind yourself that you are more likely to die in a car crash than a plane crash (wouldn’t that be ironic?). Irrational fears hold us back from truly living; embrace life for all its worth and you will never have to live with the regret of what you might have done.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Says "Yes" To Proposal; "No" To The Ring

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend just asked me to marry him and I am so super excited! Of course I said YES! There is just one problem: I absolutely hate, with every fiber of my being, the engagement ring he gave me. It is an old-fashioned, round cut, 2 carat, diamond solitaire; completely not my style. I would prefer something trendier, with baguettes, in white gold; something along the lines of an emerald cut or maybe a princess cut stone, too.

The bigger issue is that the ring he gave me belonged to his great-grandmother and has been passed down through the generations – his grandfather gave it to his grandmother, his father gave it to his mother, and now his mother is passing it on to him to give to me. There is no way I could possibly ask him to buy me a different ring, one more to my tastes and liking; but this thing really depresses me. I mean, I am wearing a dead person’s jewelry! I am also afraid if I ask for a different ring that my fiancé will decide he’d rather have a different girlfriend, one that will accept his heirloom engagement ring. Should I just try and cope, Tazi? I love my fiancé, but I know that I will never learn to love this ring!

Signed,
I’d Rather Be Ring-less

Dear I’d Rather Be Ring-less:

I realize that an engagement ring is so much more than a piece of jewelry; it is an outward sign of the love and commitment between two people. Do you realize the importance of the ring your fiancé presented to you? Or were you blinded by disappointment that it was not the diamond of your dreams? Does your fiancé know exactly how self-centered you are? The man has given you not only a symbol of his love for you, but one that expresses his family’s acceptance of you, as well. If they did not like you, they would not have handed down the heirloom ring to you. Does this mean anything to you? I am so disgusted right now I would paw-slap you if I had not recently discovered transcendental yoga! OHM!!! OHM!!!!



Okay, now that I am a bit calmer I will advise you not to tell your boyfriend that you hate the ring he gave you. I doubt that he would leave you over it – unless he is as shallow as you – but hearing this would break his heart.

If you cannot rise above your dislike of your engagement ring, I suggest that you approach his mother about it. Explain to her that you are unworthy of such a precious ring (because you are not worthy) and would feel more comfortable seeing her wear it as the rightful owner until the time to inherit arrives. If your fiancé’s mother is still young and healthy this should buy you a at least a few decades – if she agrees to take back her ring. Before you return the ring, you can explain your actions to your fiancé and request a modest engagement ring – not the $5,000+ rock you described! An emerald cut diamond is the priciest diamond cuts out there! The heirloom diamond that he gave you may not have cost him a dime, but it’s sentimental worth must be priceless. I hope that you will eventually come to understand this. OHM!

No snuggles for you,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

College Graduate Working As A "Specialty Janitor", Much To Mom's Dismay

Dear Tazi:

My son graduated college last month with a degree in Philosophy. His plan was to go on to law school, so this major made sense. Unfortunately for him, his grades fell short of gaining admittance into a top or second tier law school. He has been accepted at a few places of little note, without scholarship, which means I would be on the hook for his tuition. I told "Mason" I would not pay his graduate tuition (as I did his undergraduate tuition) until he showed he was willing to put in the work to improve his grades. He is planning to register for a few graduate level classes at the state university for the fall, and in the meantime he has taken a job at the only place that will hire him: a disaster clean-up company that cleans up the aftermath of personal tragedies.

My wife is mortified that our son is cleaning up what is left at home invasion and murder scenes, and busted crack houses. She wants to pay our son's law school tuition starting this fall. I say the unenviable work is good for him and will teach him that this is what he will end up doing for the rest of his life if he does not work harder in school. The job pays well and he is given protective gear to wear when he is on a clean-up scene, so I am not worried about his health, physical or financial. My wife, however, is worried about what people will think if they find out our son is working for a specialty janitorial service. I say hang what people think. What do you say, Tazi?

Signed,
Third Generation Ole Miss

Dear Third Generation Ole Miss:

Is your son a fourth generation at Ole Miss? Does the answer to this question have something to do with why your wife is willing to ignore his lackluster academic record? I realize that tradition runs deep down South, especially at places like Ole Miss! If your son is now an alumnus, people are going to be asking about him at the next class reunion or event. Are you prepared to tell your friends why your son is not in law school, as planned? I ask because it is apparent that your wife is not.

Personally, I think an education in the school of life is what your son needs. If he enjoys his job as a specialty cleaner and is able to support himself with the money he makes, and there is room for promotion, than I see no reason why your wife should be ashamed of what your son is doing. He is providing a valuable service that not many would be willing to provide. Furthermore, your attitude towards his Philosophy degree - claiming "the only place that will hire him" is short-sighted, considering the competitive economy we are currently experiencing.

If your son is embarrassed to be doing the kind of work he is doing, I suggest the following compromise: one semester of graduate level courses, which your son will pay for out of his own earnings. If he can prove that he is ready to make the commitment to graduate level learning, you and your wife can offer to pay for his continued schooling, provided that he maintain a minimum grade-point-average that you and your wife will set. Should his grades fall below the mark, he will be responsible for his own education expenses. I believe this is a compromise that all can live with, as well as one that will allow your son to prove his academic worth.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

There Is A Difference Between Secrecy And Privacy

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and he is always keeping secrets from me!  "Joe" always goes out and doesn't tell me where he is going.  If I find out where he went it is because I asked, not because he told me.  I never know who he is texting or Facebooking on his phone - when I try to see he blocks the phone and tells me to cut it out, that I am invading his privacy.  I feel like Joe has two sides to his life; one that he shares with me and one that he does not.  I want to be part of his entire life, not just the parts he allows me to see.

Yesterday all [heck] broke loose and I am ready to end the relationship over his attitude.  Joe and I were hanging out when he got up to use the bathroom.  He left his phone behind, so I decided to check his text messages to see what he is hiding from me, but his phone was locked with a security code!  I see no reason why he has this feature, and I told him so when he got back.  Rather than give me an answer he demanded to know why I was trying to use his phone when I had mine with me.

I told Joe that I did not like that he keeps so many secrets from me and demanded that he let me see his call and text history.  He told me that he was not keeping secrets but that his phone history was a private matter and that I need to learn to trust him.  I told him to stop turning the issue into something that was my fault; that he is the one keeping secrets.  I gave him an ultimatum: his secrets or me.  He just stared at me, so I walked out before he responded.  Now I am wondering if I should call to demand his answer.

Signed,
Boyfriendless?

Dear Boyfriendless?:

There is a big difference between secrecy and privacy.  Secrecy is accompanied by feelings of guilt; fear that someone will find out what you are doing; and overly defensive behavior.  Privacy is a matter of respect for another's personal life.  For example, Joe should not have to tell you where he is at every moment of the day; nor should he have to tell you who he has been texting and what has been said.  If he is texting directly in front of you and ignoring you to have a text conversation with another this is rude, but it is still a private conversation.  If I were you I would worry if he left the room to talk or text; since he is doing it in front of you he is not keeping the conversation a secret, just private.

The fact that Joe is willing to tell you where he went after you discover that he went out tells me that he is not keeping secrets from you; rather, it sounds like you are insecure in your relationship.  Have boyfriends past cheated on you?  Has Joe ever done anything (within reason) to make you question his fidelity?  Joe could make more of an effort to make you feel like a part of his life, but trust me when I tell you that most of what he does when he is not with you would probably bore you to tears.  Do you really want to hear about his trip to the store to buy milk?  Or his text conversation with his best friend that consists of one word answers?

You were wrong to try and sneak a peek into Joe's call and text history; this is an invasion of privacy.  As for the security code on his phone, has it occurred to you that maybe Joe keeps sensitive personal information in there - like credit card numbers and other financial information?  Nowadays, a phone is a mini-computer; Joe is wise to keep a digital lock on it.

I think you should call Joe and apologize for issuing such an unreasonable ultimatum.  Explain to him that his behavior makes you feel insecure, and ask him to meet you halfway - you can work on your insecurities and he can work on opening up to you.  Relationships are about compromise; it is time the two of you start.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Depression Has Many Symptoms, Is A Treatable Illness

Dear Tazi:

My life has not been all that great in this busted economy, so I have taken to imagining that my life is ten times better than it ever was. In the evening, when I return home from a job I hate to a small apartment I despise to microwave a frozen dinner (the only kind I can afford) I imagine that I am wealthy, without a care in the world. Since all of my problems could be solved if only I had more money, these fantasies take me away from the cares of my real life. I love my fantasy life, and up until now it has kept me going in my real life.

A few months ago, my boss told me that she would be transferring to a different office and that I would have a new supervisor come summer. I like my old boss, and would have followed her to the out of state office where she transferred, except that there were no openings that covered relocation and I do not have the money to relocate. Do you see what I mean when I say that all of my trouble could be solved if I had more money?

My new boss is awful. I can’t stand working for her. She has no respect for anyone but herself. She came into the office and tried to change how everything is done; the first thing she did was fire all of the non-union employees so she could bring in her own people. My office is now filled with new people who are not nearly as pleasant as my old co-workers. On top of it all, my new boss came to work when she was sick and I caught her cold. This is where my problems get worse.

Since I was too sick to go to work, my doctor gave me a note to stay home. It was so nice not to have to go to work, and since I get paid sick time it did not impact me financially. When I got over my cold, I didn’t want to go back to work, so I lied and told the doctor I was still feeling fatigued and he wrote me out of work for another week. When that week was up, I still did not want to go back to the office so I told the doctor I was still not feeling well enough to return to work. I have [private disability insurance] so I still have money coming in to pay my bills even though I am not working.

My doctor has run all sorts of tests for various illnesses, from chronic fatigue syndrome to mono and all have come back negative. I don’t know how much longer I can stay out of work on medical leave, but the thought of going back leaves me feeling very depressed, especially since I have crawled further and further into my fantasy world since being home all this time. I have started to look for a better job, like I had before the economy went sour, but I am not having much luck. Can you think of any illnesses that I might ask my doctor to test me for, to keep me out of work just a little bit longer? Maybe until I can find a better job?

Signed,

Paradise Lost

Dear Paradise Lost:

I think you might be suffering from a very real illness called clinical depression; if your doctor has not had you screened for it yet I suggest you come clean to him and ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

While having a fantasy life is not uncommon and is actually a healthy way to deal with life’s everyday stresses, regressing into that fantasy life at the cost of living your own reality is not healthy. Your life does not sound very enviable, but pretending to be sick in order to remain out of work on leave is not going to improve your prospects at all. What is worse, and extended illness could actually hurt your chances of finding a new job, should your current employer report on you when called for an employee reference.

If you are suffering from depression there are medicines and counselors who can help you to overcome the symptoms and help you to function outside of your fantasy world. By following a prescribed medical plan, you will be able to work towards making your fantasies a reality – but you have to take the first step and get tested! Depression is a treatable illness. You will not be sent back to work right away, and your bills will be covered by your medical insurance. Since depression is a documented disability, your private disability insurance should cover you while you work towards recovery. I know it is hard, but once you find the courage to do the right thing things will get easier. Please write back in six months or so to let me and my readers know how you are doing!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

FOX News Is Bad News For This Marriage

Dear Tazi:

My husband is a huge fan of FOX News. I am not. I also cannot respect his decision to get his news solely from a source that studies have shown makes people dumber. I have asked my husband to make our couple time a news-free zone - meaning that when we are both home, the television news is not on, and the Internet is not open to any news site. My husband has refused me this simple request, and has instead accused me of being "brainwashed by the liberal media".

My problem with FOX News would not be so bad if my husband did not prattle on about every single thing he hears on that station, insisting that all of the other news stations have their facts wrong and that only FOX News is correct. It has reached the point where I cannot read a newspaper in peace because my husband will argue that the local (and national) papers probably have the stories all wrong, and have added their "liberal slant to the facts".

Tazi, I am a woman of moderate to conservative political views, but my political views do not color every aspect of my life! I enjoy hearing and reading about stories of human interest, local activities, sports, recipes, etc. My interests are well-rounded, while my husband's are becoming more and more polarized the more he watches FOX News. We are fast reaching the point where we have nothing in common, and I am afraid that FOX News will be leading us to divorce court. Short of following through on my threats to leave him, how can I make my husband see this?

Signed,
Turned Off

Dear Turned Off:

To clarify, studies have not shown that watching FOX News makes people "dumber". Watching FOX News has not been shown to affect a person's IQ one way or another. Studies have shown that watching FOX News makes a person less well-informed, and that FOX News had the least accurate reporting of any major news channel, which would in turn affect a person's knowledge of current events.

A 2005 study by the non-partisan Pew Research Center showed evidence of why FOX News may be affecting your marriage for the worse. The study showed that people who watched CNN "prefer news that has more in-depth interviews with public officials" while the FOX News audience prefer "news that shares their personal views" and were "less likely to follow stories that are critical of the Bush administration". While you enjoy news that offers a broader view of the world and in-depth coverage of various aspects of life (from sports to recipes) your husband's world is shrinking to focus solely on the political. Making his view of the world an even narrower one is the evidence that the political views expressed around him must agree with his own. This simply is not a healthy way to go through life.

The question you need to ask yourself is if your husband has always been like this, with FOX News giving him a like-minded outlet, or has he changed since he started watching FOX News? Was there some sort of precursor that occurred to interest him in FOX News over other media outlets? Once you know the answers to these questions, you will be get to the root of the issue at hand: who is this man to whom you are married?

I do not like to advocate divorce, and I will not advocate it here. Rather, I will suggest marriage counseling. If your husband refuses to go, go alone - but let him know that you are going, and tell him that your marriage is in a precarious spot. If, in time, he still refuses to talk to a counselor (or clergy) with you about the state of your marriage than it would seem that his decision not to work on your marriage is made. At that point, only you can decide if you want to stay in a union where you are the only one doing the necessary work to keep it alive.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Citations:
Morris, J. S. "The Fox News Factor." The Harvard International Journal of Press/Politics10.3 (2005): 56-79. JSTOR. Web.

Adler, Ben. "It's Official: Watching Fox Makes You Stupider | The Nation." It's Official: Watching Fox Makes You Stupider | The Nation. The Nation, 21 May 2012. Web. 1 Feb. 2014.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband Prefers Cash - And A Second Job To Get It

Dear Tazi:

I am devastated; certain that my husband of five years is ready to leave me, and don’t know what to do or where to turn. When I was a teenager, I would cry out my problems to Butterball, my cat, but Butterball died years ago. A friend showed me your column; so here I am, writing to you.

This past fall “Zach” told me that he wanted to join an after-work fantasy football league with some friends, at a local pub-style restaurant. They would meet one night a week after work – a guy’s night out kind of thing, and then at someone’s house to watch the games on the weekends. I thought this was a great idea, since Zach works very hard and deserves some down time with his friends.

Zach is horrible when it comes to balancing the checkbook or paying the bills on time, so he gladly handed this responsibility over to me when we got married. Since both of our checks are direct deposited, neither of us actually cashes our paycheck. In order to avoid multiple ATM receipts that could easily get lost or go unrecorded, we each get a small amount of cash at the start of each pay period, and load our Dunkin’ Donuts pre-paid cards online at the same time; we also use pre-loaded gas cards to fill up our vehicles and pre-paid Wal-Mart cards for our store purchases. In this way, we have managed to save money by not carrying cash and avoid expensive overdrafts on our checking account. I have started to budget additional $50 cash for Zach each week, so he has enough spending money to cover his night out – dinner, a few beers, and a round of drinks for him and his buddies.

Now that football season has ended I expected Zach’s nights and weekends out would slow down until next year, but they have not. Zach continues to be out of the house one night a week and on weekends. I asked him how long the league would be continuing – figuring he would surely be done by the Super Bowl – and he told me that the league will continue year round; that a baseball fantasy league is starting. This sounded plausible, so I dropped the subject.

Last night, I went out to pick up a few items at the convenience store, and almost died of shock when I saw that Zach was the cashier! I marched up to the counter to pay for my things and Zach pre-empted my anger by telling me that he was on the clock and we could discuss things when he got home. As it turns out, Zach has not been going out with his friends a few times a week – he has been working part-time at the convenience store!

When I asked Zach why he would deceive me – first lying about his whereabouts and then taking the extra cash each week – he told me that “a man doesn’t feel like a man without money in his pocket”. Between what he makes at the store and the extra money from our budget, he is carrying around an extra $150 a week! How much money does he need to feel like a man? When I mentioned to Zach that we have budgeted enough money for him to carry around, he gave me a withering look and said, “I’m not a child; I shouldn’t have to ask for my allowance”.

Tazi, what does all this mean? I have never made Zach feel like a child! I only take care of the finances because he won’t, and I receive my share of personal money on the same schedule as him. I asked Zach if he is seeing another woman and spending the money on her, which he denied. I asked him if he was saving up to leave me, but he said no to that, too. I want to believe him, but I can’t. Why else would my husband do this to us, Tazi?

Signed,

Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted

Dear Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted:

Jerry Seinfeld once did a monologue about the difference between how men and women act at the store when paying for something by check. Seinfeld compared a woman with a checkbook to a cowboy and his gun – she will whip that thing out and put it to work without missing a beat. A man, on the other hand, will sheepishly pull out a check and tell the cashier that he doesn't have any real money on him, but if you take this piece of paper to the bank, those people will give the cashier money on his behalf. When you put it that way, it makes paying by check sound pretty lame. Seinfeld recorded that bit back in the early ‘90’s, before pre-paid cards were in existence  but it could be that Zach feels the same way about using a plastic card to pay for his $1.50 tab at the coffee shop.

The fact that Zach felt strongly enough about having cash in his pocket to take on a second job speaks strongly to the lack of communication in your marriage. Has Zach been spending the extra $150 a week that he has in his pocket, or is he saving it? If he is spending it, on what is it being spent? Does Zach have a gambling problem, drinking issue, or other expensive issue that he is keeping from you? If Zach is saving the money, for what reason? Is he planning a large, expensive purchase that would otherwise not fit into your budget?

Your husband’s response to you – that a man needs money in his pocket to feel like a man – tells me that he needs to be more involved in your bill paying and budgeting process. Just because you handle this responsibility does not mean that he should be excluded from it completely; doing so has made Zach feel like a child asking his Mommy for his weekly allowance. This is not healthy from any perspective.

My larger concern for your marriage is that your husband felt that he had to go behind your back in order to have money in his pocket. You may not realize it, but you could be exerting too much control over your joint finances. (Pre-paid cards for almost everything?). While your system may work for you, it is clearly not working for your husband. I suggest that – together – the two of you figure out how much money Zach needs each week for his expenses, and give him that money in cash, not on a pre-loaded plastic card. Stop giving him the extra $50 for going out, since he obviously is not, and if he wants to keep his second job for extra spending cash let that be his business. However, if he runs short of cash because he is spending more now that he is carrying more do not allow him to break your budget by giving him more money.

Many couples keep joint accounts for bill paying and savings, which is where they keep the bulk of their money, and separate, smaller individual accounts for their personal spending money and savings towards extravagant personal items. Perhaps the time has come for you and Zach to consider this idea for yourselves. This idea would require Zach to keep track of his own banking records, but then that might be just what he needs to feel more like a man.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.