Unplanned Pregnancy Puts Man In A Bind

Dear Tazi:

Several months ago, I met a woman online (I'll call her "Cindy") and we hit it off really well; so we decided to meet in person. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex on our first date. Since I could never have a relationship with a woman of such loose morals, I chose not to see her again. (I realize this sounds like a double standard, but she initiated it). Shortly after this incident, Cindy called me to tell me that she was pregnant and that it was mine. I obviously have no proof of this, and for all I know she could have slept with a dozen guys that week; but Cindy insists I was the one, so I accepted her at her word and let her know that I support a woman's right to choose; which everyone knows is a euphemism meaning I would be willing to pay for half of the cost of an abortion. At least, I thought that's what everyone knew.

Upon hearing that I supported her right to choose Cindy told me she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do, and a few weeks later she called me back and told me that she had decided to keep the baby. When I told her that I did not want to have a child with her and demanded that she take care of the problem, she told me she was "exercising her right to choose". We argued, and I hung up on her and had my phone number changed. This week, I received a letter from an attorney demanding child support for the baby that I made very clear I did not want. Somehow, using whatever tactics these slime-ball lawyers use, the man found my home address and my employer information and is threatening to have my wages garnished if I do not agree to some sort of child support agreement.

Tazi, is this even legal? The man obviously invaded my personal privacy to track me down, and is now attempting to force me to agree to pay 25% of my (net) income "to avoid the inconvenience of going to court" and "the embarrassment of garnished wages". I am tempted to let this slut take me to court just so I can tell the judge my side of the story, but my friends have advised otherwise, saying that a court judgement could end up costing me an even larger percentage of my paycheck. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Stuck With The Wrong Choice

Dear Stuck With The Wrong Choice:

Is the "wrong choice' to which you refer the choice you made to engage in unprotected sexual intercourse with a woman you barely knew? Or was the wrong choice the decision you made to blow off the mother of your child, hoping that she would just go away and forget the baby that you and she created together?

Whether or not you wanted to pursue a relationship with Cindy or have a child with her was a decision that was removed from your hands the moment you removed something else from your pants. Nobody expects a one-night-stand to have such long-term consequences, but the possibility is there. You played a game of sexual Russian roulette and lost - now, you have to man up and accept the consequences of your actions.

My bigger concern is your belief that a woman's "right to choose" is a euphemism for offering to pay for half of the cost for an abortion. If that is the case, a woman's body and reproductive rights are still not her own, but something to be controlled by a man, which is a chilling thought. Cindy chose to keep the baby, knowing that her life would change - in some ways for the better, in others for the worse. Whether or not you choose to involve yourself in the life of your child is your business; but the responsibility of providing fair financial support is not a choice - it is a legal obligation, and an offer of 25% of your net income is a very generous offer, indeed. If I were you, I would jump at this opportunity because from the tone of your letter I find it difficult to believe that a judge would be sympathetic to your "side of the story". I would first demand a paternity test - but then, I am sure that you have already done that.

As an aside, you should also know that in this day and age, Cindy's attorney would not have to "invade" your privacy to find out your personal information - a visit to your Facebook page could tell him all he needed to know; a search on MyLife.com would give him even more information; and a copy of your IP address (which would have been stored in Cindy's computer under her Internet history) would also provide the personal information he needed to find you.

-- Tazi

(No snuggles for you!).

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is He A Liar? Or Just A Complete Fool?

Dear Tazi:

I am so torn up inside I don't know what to do, so I am writing to you for advice. I have been dating "Chuck" for about a year now. We met online, so I took my time getting to know him before meeting him in person since we had no mutual friends. One of the things he told me before we met was that he was hypoglycemic [suffers from low blood glucose] and that when stressed out his blood sugar will drop and he will "turn into someone he is not". He described it like how Bruce Banner gets when he turned into the Incredible Hulk (Chuck is a fan of Stan Lee comics).

Over the past several months, I have seen Chuck turn on people when stressed. He flies off into a rage until he is physically drained, and then demands some "pure fruit juice" to raise his blood sugar levels and set him back to normal. When these instances occur in public (restaurants, bars, etc.), it is very frightening; and management usually calls in the paramedics to see that he is okay. On every single occasion Chuck's blood sugar levels have been fine; but Chuck insists it is because he has had some fruit juice and time to recover before the paramedics arrive. It turns out that this is not the case at all.

Chuck and I recently attempted to see the opening of a new movie. I say "attempted" because even though the movie was playing in multiple theaters and we pre-purchased our tickets online, by the time we arrived at the theater only single seating was available, meaning Chuck and I would have been unable to sit together. This stressed Chuck out and by the time he got to speak to a manager, he was in full-fledged tantrum mode. I apologized to the manager, explained the situation, and asked for medical assistance. There was a fire station directly across the street from the movie theater, and the paramedics were able to arrive before Chuck could drink some pure fruit juice (he pushed away the sports drink that was offered to him, demanding "pure fruit juice"). The paramedics checked his blood sugar levels and declared them to be normal. Chuck demanded a recheck, and again they were well within the normal range. I was shocked.

As it turns out, Chuck is not hypoglycemic. In fact, he never was. He was never medically tested or diagnosed; he just decided on his own that low blood sugar was the reason he would irrationally fly off the handle when stressed. I was so disgusted by this revelation that I broke up with Chuck. My problem is, he wants to work things out between us; and I still love him - I think. A part of me wants to work things out; but the larger part of me is wondering who Chuck really is. Obviously, he is not hypoglycemic so his poor behavior cannot so easily be explained away. On the one hand, I feel like he lied to me about being hypoglycemic; but on the other hand, he honestly believed he was. I am so confused, Tazi! What should I do?

Signed,
Sugar, Sugar

Dear Sugar, Sugar:

Just to clarify, Chuck is not a doctor, health professional, or in any way shape or form trained to perform a medical diagnosis of hypoglycemia, right? And it has, in fact, been medically proven that he is not hypoglycemic?

Among other symptoms of hypoglycemia (such as dizziness, nausea, anxiety and panic attacks), a complete and total emotional meltdown under stress is not an uncommon reaction. It is, however, not an excuse for poor behavior. Whenever I have witnessed such an event occur the person lashing out has always been extremely apologetic and embarrassed of their behavior - not belligerent and demanding, as you have described Chuck's behavior. It sounds to me that Chuck has larger problems than just Web MD'ing a diagnosis that allows him to act like a spoiled toddler. It sounds to me like Chuck has some deep rooted anger management and denial issues.

I can understand why you are questioning who Chuck really is; and I would advise you not to reconcile with him until you are absolutely certain of the answer to this question. You say that you still love him; but does the Chuck you fell in love with even exist outside of his own mind? This is another question you will need answered before giving this relationship a second chance. As for Chuck's lies about being hypoglycemic: yes, he was lying to himself; but that does not make him - or his lies - virtuous. In my humble opinion, what it does make Chuck is a complete fool! If I were you, I would walk away from this man...and keep walking until he was out of sight - and out of mind.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom's Dating The Former Quarterback; Daughter Does Not Know What To Do!

Dear Tazi:

My life is over! I am twenty years old, and my parents have decided to get divorced. I can handle this, because they have been living separate lives for years and the stress of seeing them stay together for my sake has been overwhelming (they were still teenagers when they got married because Mom got pregnant with me). No, it is not the divorce that bothers me; it is the reason for the divorce. My mother has met someone and wants to "move the relationship forward". The problem is that the person she has met is the former quarterback of my high school football team. "Hunter" is only four years older than me!

I have been cheer-leading since I was old enough to walk, and participating on competitive teams since I was five; so I naturally tried out for my high school squad as soon as I was eligible, my freshman year. My mother came to all of the football games, even when it was so cold you tossed your dignity and wore a Snuggie, like those tools in the commercials! I thought she was there to watch me cheer; but now I realize she was there to watch Hunter in tight pants! The most humiliating part of all this? My old high school mascot was the Cougars!

Thankfully, I have been away at college while Mom and Hunter have been publicly prancing around together; so I have not had to put up with the stares and rude comments that are sure to come when I return home for Winter Break next month. Do you have any advice on how to handle this whole situation? I am praying to God that they break up; but I don't think that is going to happen - Mom and Hunter are talking about moving in together. Help!

Signed,
Somewhere In Middle America

Dear Somewhere In Middle America:

Your situation certainly is a delicate one; however you must remember that your parents marriage - and the state of it - is nobody's business but their own. You mention that your Mom was still a teenager when she had you, which would put her in her mid-to-late thirties now; making the age difference between she and Hunter a little more acceptable to most people; but still upsetting to some.

At 24, Hunter is no longer a kid and is probably looking to settle down and get married; maybe even start a family. Your mother is still young enough to have children, and if this is the path she and Hunter decide to follow, your inability to accept their relationship will make the situation all the more difficult.

My advice to you is to have a frank talk with you mother about how you feel. Tell her why her relationship with Hunter upsets you so much, refraining from using phrases like "it's icky". Put your thoughts into a mature and reasoned argument, and then listen to your mother's response. If she is acting like a school-girl with a crush, I would not worry about a future between she and Hunter; these things tend to die a natural death. If, however, she is truly in love with Hunter and he with her you will have to work on accepting the relationship if you wish to have a continued relationship with your mother.

As for dealing with the rude stares and comments, I suggest you do so with grace. If someone calls your Mom a "Cougar", you might want to remind them that she is too young for that title; "Puma" is the correct term (trust me on this one; I'm a cat!). Once people see that they cannot rattle you, all but the most boneheaded will leave you alone; and as for them, they do not deserve the dignity of an answer.

You do not mention how your father feels about all that is happening; but I suggest that you do your best not to take sides in this matter. As I said before, the state of your parents marriage is nobody's business but their own.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Please try to keep some perspective, as well. I doubt your mother came to all of those football games just to "watch Hunter in tight pants". The age difference between you and he tells me that he would have been a senior during your freshman year, meaning your mother also attended three years of Hunter-free games. --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Need For Speed Results In A Need For Fast Cash

Dear Tazi:

I am in big trouble, and don't know what to do so I am writing to you for help because my own cat doesn't talk. I am 17-years-old and recently got my drivers' license. I was driving my Mom's convertible the other day, and with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair I felt like I was in the middle of a Fast and Furious movie! It was so awesome - until I got stopped for speeding, that is.

I got tagged for going 80 in a 35 mph zone, and the ticket is over $300. I can't understand what the problem was - there was hardly any traffic on the road, so it was not like I was putting anybody in any real danger - but there is no way I can fight the ticket in court, so I am on the hook for the entire thing. My Mom doesn't know about it yet, so I was hoping to pay it before she finds out and nobody will ever know. The problem is, I would have to spend the money I was saving to go to my [high school] Snow Ball in January. I could go without a new dress, but then people would start asking questions and my whole secret might unravel.

I have a pair of gold earrings that my grandmother gave to me (before she died last year) as a Sweet Sixteen birthday gift. They were very expensive, and I learned from watching Pawn Stars that gold is in high demand right now; so I think I could pawn them for enough money to cover the ticket, but then how would I explain to my Mom where my gold earrings went? If I claim to have lost them that will end up with me being grounded. Otherwise, this plan is perfect. I know you don't approve of lying Tazi-Kat, but this wouldn't really be a lie because I would be able to get the earrings back in just a few months. Can you think of a good story to tell my Mom if she asks about my missing earrings?

Signed,
No Longer Fast, But Still Furious

Dear No Longer Fast...:

I can tell you who will be furious when the time comes to renew the auto insurance on her car: your Mom, who will want to know exactly when you got the speeding ticket you have been trying to hide from her and why you thought you would be able to get away with it. Remember, it was her car you were driving, which means it is connected to her vehicle registration. She will find out about the speeding ticket sooner or later.

Compounding her anger - and certainly your punishment - will be the fact that you risked losing what might someday be a valuable heirloom in your attempts to cover up your driving infraction. Although it is a pawnbroker's preference to be paid on the loans they make, they are running a business; and if something happens that leaves you unable to pay for your pawn in the allotted time, you can kiss those gold earrings goodbye!

I strongly advise that you come clean with your Mom, explaining that you got caught up in the moment and did not realize how fast you were going or that you were endangering others - which, contrary to what you might believe, you were. Many a pedestrian has been hit by a speeding car that did not see them! If you accept your punishment gracefully, your mother might be more lenient with you.

If you are still determined to go ahead with your plan to pawn your earrings, there is nothing I can suggest to help you. I will not be party to lying, especially to a Mom.

-- Tazi Kat

P.S. That's right!  No snuggles for you! 

Is It Racism Or Paranoia?

Dear Tazi:

I think my father might secretly be racist.  I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now, and decided it was finally time to introduce him to my parents, who live two hours away from me.  Although emails and pictures have been sent over the past eleven months, my parents have never met “Elmont” in person.  Elmont is a light-skinned black man, so it can be difficult to tell his race from pictures.  Since his race has never mattered to me, I never thought to mention to my parents that he is black.

Over the Labor Day weekend, Elmont and I took a trip back to my home to visit with my parents and have a meet and greet with the family.  My mother was her usual cordial self but my father was not.  Dad is normally a very welcoming person; he has a big Irish personality and is the kind of person who likes everybody and everybody likes.  This is why I was very surprised to see him greet Elmont with a handshake instead of a big hug.  His excuse was that he was coming down with a cold and did not wish to spread it, but I thought he looked fine.

That evening, after dinner, Dad did not offer Elmont a drink as is his custom when he and Mom host guests.  When I pulled him aside to ask why, Dad blamed his non-existent cold.  Although the conversation was polite, Dad seemed detached; he claimed it was the cold medicine he was taking. 

The next morning was Sunday, and Elmont and I had planned on taking Mom and Dad out for brunch but Mom said that my father was not feeling very well, and that perhaps brunch could wait until the next day.  Tazi, we had a barbecue to attend the next day; we didn’t want to make it a full day of eating and socializing so Elmont and I went to brunch by ourselves.  Later, my father told me that he was hurt that we did not want to wait a day to have brunch with him and my mother! 

On Labor Day, Elmont and I attended a barbeque with family and friends and everyone was happy to meet him.  I thought once my father saw how everyone loved Elmont that he would warm up to my boyfriend, but he claimed that he was not feeling well and left the party early; by the time Elmont and I returned from the party it was late and we had to start back home because we were working the next day.

At first I thought I was just being paranoid about my father’s coolness towards Elmont, but he mentioned to me that he thought my father did not like him.  After I got home I called my Mom to let her know that we were home safe, and I asked her how my father was.  Mom told me that Dad was “resting in front of the TV” and that the weekend had really worn him out.  Tazi, he didn’t do anything!  I asked Mom to put Dad on the phone so I could talk to him, and once again he seemed fine – no hint of a cold!

This week, when I spoke to my parents in my weekly phone call, I broached the idea about Elmont and I coming home for Thanksgiving, but Mom told me that she and Dad had plans!  They will supposedly be taking a four-day cruise with my aunt and uncle.  When I mentioned that Auntie and Uncle made no mention of the cruise on Labor Day my mother responded that Labor Day was when the plans were first made; that it was a last minute thing.  I feel like my parents made these plans just to avoid spending Thanksgiving with Elmont!  When I told my mother this, she was hurt that I could think such a thing and defended my Dad, saying he really was feeling under the weather.

Tazi, do you think I am being paranoid and hypersensitive, like my Mom says I am?  Or could my father be a closet racist, like Elmont and I are thinking?  I have never seen my father act this way before, but I also grew up in an exclusive, all-white neighborhood so I have no standard of reference by which to judge.

Signed,

Biracial Blues

Dear Biracial Blues:

Late August and early September is high time for ragweed allergies to make their appearance, making those susceptible feel horrible by turning them into an itchy, watery-eyed, sneezing mess.  Allergy medications and cough and cold syrups can help alleviate these symptoms so as to appear like nothing is wrong, but the side effects include lethargy.  If your father is one of millions who suffer from allergies this could explain his aberrant behavior. 

Although it seems deliberate that your parents have planned to be away for the Thanksgiving holiday, it is probably just a coincidence.  You do not say if you have siblings still living at or near home, but you do mention that you live two hours away from your parents and have not been home to visit in several months.  Your parents probably decided to plan some “me” time for the holidays and Thanksgiving was the logical choice; it is America’s busiest travel time of the year. 

I sympathize with you and Elmont; I cannot imagine what you have been through in the past that would make you jump to such drastic conclusions but it must not have been pleasant.  I suggest that you make a second attempt with your parents and Elmont.  You say that your mother was pleasant and welcoming of him, so I suggest you give her the benefit of the doubt when she says that your father was not feeling well.  If your father truly was racist, he would not have welcomed Elmont into his home; rather, he would have used his cold as an excuse to send you both to a hotel and cancel all plans to spend time with the two of you.  The fact that he was hurt that you would not reschedule brunch lends credence to this view.  If a second visit with your parents does not alleviate your uneasiness I suggest that you have a frank discussion of your concerns with dear old Dad!  You may or may not like what he has to say, but at least you will know where things stand.  Sometimes, it is what it is.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner # 64 - Celebrate "Movember"!

Dear Readers:

It’sNo Shave November or, as the Aussie' s call it, Movember! It's time for dudes to show their support for men's health and let those mustaches and beards grow! (Personally, I have always wondered why men shave their facial fur, but not the rest of their fur!). 

For more information, go to www.us.movember.com. Or, just read on...I have pulled all of the following info directly from their website:

As an official global charity, Movember’s vision is to have an everlasting impact on the face of men’s health. During November each year, Movember is responsible for the sprouting of millions of moustaches on men's faces around the world. Through the power of the Mo, vital funds and awareness are raised to combat prostate and testicular cancer and mental health challenges.

HOW IT WORKS
Movember encourages men to join the movement by growing a moustache for the 30-days of November. After REGISTERING on Movember.com, these generous Mo Bros start the month clean-shaven, then grow and groom their Mo (slang for moustache), asking friends and family to donate to their efforts. With their new moustaches, these Mo Bros bring much needed awareness to men’s health issues by prompting conversations wherever they go...

The Movember Effect
Globally, the funds raised support world-class men’s health programs that combat prostate and testicular cancer and mental health challenges. These programs, directed by the Movember Foundation, are focused on awareness and education, living with and beyond cancer, staying mentally healthy, living with and beyond mental illness and research to achieve our vision of an everlasting impact on the face of men’s health.

Movember - a global movement
Since its humble beginnings in 2003 in Melbourne, Australia, Movember has grown to become a truly global movement inspiring more than 3 Million Mo Bros and Mo Sistas to participate across 21 countries worldwide. Movember is also aware of Mo Bros and Mo Sistas supporting the campaign and men’s health causes in other parts of the world, from Moscow to Rio de Janeiro, and everywhere in between.

In 2012, over 1.1 million Mo Bros and Mo Sistas around the world joined the movement, raising USD $147.0 million. In the US, over 209,000 Mo’s raised $21.0 million.

Tazi, again! Ladies, you can join the movement in one of two ways: 1) Get your man to participate and help him to raise funds for the cause or 2) Stop waxing your facial hair and grow your own 'stache!

If you don't have a dude in your life (partner, father, brother, friend) and can't (or just can't bring yourself to) grow your own, you can participate by not shaving your legs and collecting donations towards the Movember Movement! Let's make a difference!!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Movember needs a corporate sponsor! Would Schick or Gillette be willing to be the Official Sponsor of Movember? You know it's going to take a good razor to tame those tough beards come December!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother-In-Law, Daughter-In-Law Face Off Over Laundry

Dear Tazi:

I am having an argument with my mother-in-law, “Joan”, and we are hoping that you can settle it for us.  What is the correct way to do laundry?  I was always taught to separate the clothes into loads of darks, lights, and whites; running each load in the “permanent press” cycle.  Joan believes that you also need to separate the loads by fabric weight and utilize the “heavyweight” and “delicate” cycles, as well.

“Joan” is horrified over the way I wash her son’s clothes, believing that her way is the best.  I say Joan’s way just creates more work and wastes energy by making for smaller loads of laundry, and more of them.  Who is right?

Signed,

Laundered Out Out West

Dear Laundered Out Out West:

I have to say that yours is one of the more interesting letters I have received on a practical household problem, and I thank you for sending it! To answer your question, you are both correct.

To wash your brights – especially reds – with your whites is to invite discoloration of your fabrics; not to mention that washing your darks in hot water can cause them to fade. On this the two of you agree so there is no argument to settle!

This is what my litter-mate looked like 

after a washing in hot water!

To separate by both color and fabric weight creates twice as many loads of laundry (if not more) with less laundry per load and while I realize that you can adjust the load size to save on water, you are still using electricity to power the washer for each load.  On this point, you are correct.  However, Joan also has a point. 

 I am not trying to be diplomatic in saying this, but practical; lingerie and other undergarments can be damaged on a cycle with a faster agitation speed.  I learned this the hard way when Mommie needed me to help her with the laundry (imagine, asking your cat to help you with the laundry!) and I was too lazy to sort.  The point goes to Joan here. 

The solution to your problem would be to ask your husband how he prefers his clothes to be washed – and if he prefers his Mama’s way of doing it to let her do his laundry!  Think of it as a load (or two) off of your busy schedule.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  Always remember to check the pockets before you launder!

And don't forget the fabric softener!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Fun Halloween Facts From The Black Cat!

Greetings, Readers!

A Happy Halloween/All Hallow's Eve to all who celebrate!  Here in America, Halloween is a big deal - it is the second highest retail grossing holiday in the country, second only to Christmas!  In honor of this time of excess (and chocolate - lots and lots of chocolate!) I present to you today some fun facts about the history of Halloween and its traditions!

1. Trick-or-treating evolved from the ancient Celtic tradition of putting out food to appease spirits who roamed the streets during Samhain, a sacred festival that marked the end of the Celtic calendar year. Ireland is generally accepted as the birthplace of Halloween!

2. Jack o’ Lanterns originated in Ireland where people placed candles in hollowed-out turnips to keep away spirits and ghosts on the Celtic Samhain holiday.

I is scary!  RAWR!

3. Trick-or-treating dates back to the Middle Ages! “Souling” is a medieval Christian precursor to modern-day trick-or-treating. On Hallowmas (November 1, now known as All Saints Day), the poor would go door-to-door offering prayers for the dead in exchange for soul cakes, a sweet and tasty treat!

4. Because Protestant England did not believe in Catholic saints, the rituals traditionally associated with Halloween were originally associated with Guy Fawkes Day on November 5th!

Remember, remember the 5th of November...

5.  A Rhode Island man holds the record for world's largest pumpkin, which weighed in at 2,009 pounds (911 kg).  It is the first pumpkin ever recorded to break the one ton mark!  (Sorry, not a Halloween History fact; being a Rhode Island native, I had to brag!).

6.  Halloween is not a universally celebrated holiday (France sees it as an American celebration).  In Mexico, the days following Halloween - All Saints Day and All Souls Day - are celebrated as Los Días de los Muertos, the Days of the Dead.  Teng Chieh or the Lantern Festival is how Halloween is celebrated in China. Animal shaped lanterns are hung around houses and in the streets to help spirits back to their earthly homes. 

7.   In 1950, Philadelphia-based trick-or-treaters traded in a sweet tooth for a sweet action. In lieu of candy, residents collected change for children overseas and sent it to UNICEF. Subsequently, the Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF program was born.

8.  Bobbing for apples actually started as part of the entertainments of the Roman tradition of harvest festivals that honored Pomona, Goddess of the Harvest.

9.  In most countries that celebrate Halloween, black cats are thought to be unlucky as they are thought to be witch's familiars.  In England, the same is thought about white cats, instead of black cats.

I subordinates to nobody!

10. Legend has it that the jack-o’-lantern began with an Irish man named Jack, who was too stingy to be allowed into Heaven and too much of a troublemaker to join the Devil in Hell. When Jack died, the Devil threw him a lighted coal, which Jack placed inside a turnip he was eating. To this day, Jack continues to use the coal to light his path as he searches for a final resting place.


Gracious thanks to RandomFacts.com and MSN.com for their fun facts about Halloween!  

Snuggles and a Happy Halloween from the Black Cat!!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Halloween Candy Is Dandy; But A Child's Smile Is Still Sweeter

Dear Tazi-Kat:

Halloween is approaching, and when I think of what happened to me last year I get so angry that I could eat iron and poop nails! I would like some advice as to how to resolve the situation, should it occur again this year.

Every year for Halloween, I give out full-sized chocolate bars to the many children in my neighborhood. Last October, a black family moved into the neighborhood, and come Halloween the children imported several friends and family members, all of whom went trick-or-treating with them! I had enough candy to cover the large influx (I always buy extra, because I never know how many children will come to my door), but the point of the matter is that these children are not from my neighborhood! I believe that children should trick-or-treat in their own neighborhood, and not drive to the best neighborhoods in the city hoping for better candy.

My husband says I am overreacting, and to provide for all children who arrive at our door on Halloween night. Who do you say is right, Tazi-Kat? And if you agree with me, what should I do if I get a pack of outsiders on my doorstep this year?

Signed,
Sugar Mama

Dear Sugar Mama:

Deciding who is correct - you or your husband - would require me to know that answer to this question: Do you give out full-sized chocolate bars on Halloween because

A) You want the neighbors to know that you are financially comfortable enough to spend that much money on Halloween candy

B) You want to bribe the neighborhood children into not trampling on your chrysanthemums while playing tag or hide and seek

C) You wish to bring joy to the hearts of young children

If the answer is A or B, then you are correct; be sure to post a sweetly decorated Halloween sign in your front yard informing the children that only kids from your zip code+4 should bother knocking. If the answer is C, then your husband is correct.

I realize that chocolate is expensive, and to give away full-sized bars even more so; but to deny children a Halloween treat simply because they are invited visitors to your neighborhood is rather harsh. It could be that the children "imported" their friends and family last year because they were new to the neighborhood, and did not know anyone in the area well enough to go trick-or-treating with them. It is also possible that they wanted to share the joy of the holiday with those closest to them. A third possibility is that their friends and family members were from economically disadvantaged areas, and that many of the people in their own neighborhoods do not give out Halloween candy.

This year, if you wish to cut the cost of providing full-sized chocolate bars for all, why not buy the fun-sized bars and give each child two or three pieces each? This way, the child gets the equivalent of a full-sized bar in a variety of types (Twix, Kit-Kat, Hershey, etc.). Fun-sized bags are usually priced lower than full-sized bars for similar amounts of chocolate. Another option would be to buy large bags of mixed hard candy, and give each child a handful of pieces. This would also avoid the all too common issue of nut allergies - many places that prepare chocolate also process nuts, even if the candy you are giving does not contain nuts.

Regardless of your answer to my question - A, B, or C - try to open your heart to all who cross your path this Halloween - even black cats like me!

--Tazi-Kat

P.S. I live in a house that has a reputation for giving out "the good candy", which brings my Mommie as much joy as it does the kids who get it!

Wife Wants Permission To Cheat; Husband Is Heartbroken

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I have been having marital problems and have been in counseling to deal with them.  I thought we were making progress, when she informed me that there is someone at work she is interested in, and he is interested in her, too.  She told me she could not be certain that she wanted to commit to our marriage until she had the opportunity to see where things could go with this other man.  She then asked me for permission to have an affair with him.

Tazi, I was stunned.  I did not know what to say.  I told her that I did not want to say yes; I love her and want her to stay with me and to honor our marital vows.  I asked her what she would do if I said “NO” and she responded that she would probably sow her wild oats anyway.  She then accused me of being selfish and wanting to keep her in a union that she was not certain she wanted to stay in.  She has now been staying out late and when she does come home she goes straight to bed and goes to sleep.  There is no communication between us and I feel like my marriage is ending in spite of all I have done to try and keep it together. 

Tazi, can you offer any suggestions on how to save my marriage?  My wife is refusing to return to counseling, saying it will do us no good until I accept the fact that she needs to work things out in her own way.

Signed,

Clem

Dear Clem:

You have my deepest sympathies on the breakdown of your marriage.  You have tried all that you can do to repair the damage; open lines of communication; and rekindle the spark between you and your wife, but she needs to work on doing the same.  A marriage cannot work when only one member of it is actively working towards keeping it together.  This is a sad fact that you may have to face.

From what you write, it sounds like your wife wants the freedom that comes with being a single woman with the security that comes with being married.  She cannot have it both ways, and I believe that she knows this, too, which is why she is trying to guilt you into seeing her as the wronged party.  Your choices are difficult, but unless you take action your inaction will allow your wife to call all of the shots.

Why you would want to stay with someone who has openly expressed a desire to cheat is beyond both my understanding and my ability to counsel, so I urge you continue to go to marriage counseling by yourself; leaving the door open for your wife to join you if/when she is ready.   Your counselor will help you to deal with the overwhelming emotional stress you must be feeling, as well as the feelings of anger, betrayal, and loneliness.  At this point, you must make the decision for yourself as to whether or not you wish to stay in this marriage or have it legally dissolved.

Extra Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teen Screams for Halloween; Mom Fears Mischief Is Afoot

Dear Tazi:

Halloween is approaching, and my 14-year-old daughter has informed me she would like to go trick 'o' treating this year, after taking last year off because it was "too babyish". She says she misses it, and would like to go again before she gets "too old to get free candy". I can't help but be suspicious that her goal is not to trick 'o' treat, but to meet up with her friends and cause some Halloween trouble.

When I asked her point-blank if this was her plan, she flew off the handle and accused me of not trusting her. Tazi-Kat, she is 14; and I clearly remember the things I said and did to try and fool my parents when I was that age. My daughter does not seem the type to start trouble, but then neither did I when I was 14. I do not want to judge my daughter by my past behavior; but I do not want to allow her to pull the wool over my eyes, either. Any suggestions on a happy medium, Tazi?

Signed,
Not the Wicked Witch!

Dear Not the Wicked Witch:

Fourteen is an age at which your daughter is being torn between two lives - the childhood that has slipped away from her and the adult world that is fast approaching. It is a difficult time to for anyone to navigate, especially the people going through it.

Fourteen is also a little too old to be trick 'o' treating, and my cat instincts tell me that your instincts are right on the money. A happy medium would be a compromise in the form of a Halloween get-together for your daughter and her friends. You do not have to host a party at your house, but do think of an activity that a group of 14-year-olds would enjoy, while keeping in mind that it is a weekend. Halloween is on a Friday this year, which means a weekend of mischief may be afoot for bored teens!

An evening of Rock 'n' Bowl is always fun, and I am certain the local alleys will have something going on for Halloween night. Roller-rinks can also be a great hang-out that will provide fun for all, and mischief for none. If you would like, you could also host a small gathering in your home (and provide lots and lots of Halloween candy, so your daughter does not feel deprived of her treats).

If, in the end, your daughter is adamant about going trick 'o' treating, check with your neighbors to see if any of them need a responsible teenaged girl to escort their younger children through the neighborhood; and exert your parental authority: let your daughter know that her options have all been presented, and she can take them - and spend an enjoyable Halloween with friends or trick 'o' treating, as she wanted - or leave them, and spend the night at home.

Snuggles,
Tazi

"Diva" Must Learn To Budget, Friend Seeks To Intervene

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is an absolute diva!  Anything she wants, she gets and worries about the bill later.  This would not concern me so much if it were not for the fact that she keeps trying to drag me down with her.  If she wants a pedicure, she insists I come along; when I tell her I can’t afford one, she replies, “Sure you can!  You just think you can’t!”  No, Tazi, I really can’t….plus I live in the North and open-toe shoe season is over.  Nobody is going to see my feet anyway!  This is just one example of “Tonya’s” irresponsibility.  There are many more.

Tonya has always kept her spending a secret from her husband, arguing that she can do what she wants with her “allowance”.  Tonya pays the bills – her husband does not want the responsibility – so her husband cannot see the hundreds of dollars she spends every month on stuff she does not need.

Tonya’s husband just lost his job, and they have had to cut back on a lot of things, including cable TV; cigarettes and alcohol; date nights; coffee shop coffee; and laundry service – but Tonya still spends money on stupid stuff!  This week she wanted me to go with her to get our Tarot cards read.  She said the psychic is very reputable, which is why she costs so much, but Tonya wanted to know how much longer she was going to have to “pinch pennies”.  Tazi, she isn't!  Although I accompany her on most of her outings, I do not indulge myself.  I am now starting to feel resentful towards Tonya for the way she spends money she does not have while her husband joneses for a cigarette.  I completely understand how he feels, and want to say something to him.  Should I?

Signed,

The REAL Penny-Pincher

Dear The REAL Penny-Pincher:

I can see how your friend’s attitude would disgust you; I am mildly disgusted by her myself and I have not had to sit next to her as Miss Cleo tells her the future. 

I would advise against telling Tonya’s husband just where all their money is going; if he has any interest in knowing he can step up to the responsibility of assisting with the household budget.  I am aware that in most marriages one person handles the finances, but the other spouse is generally aware of where the money is being spent.  Willful ignorance offers its own rewards, as well as its own punishments.

You are wise not to spend money that you do not have to spend, even in the face of temptation.  Unfortunately, watching Tonya’s high rolling behavior sounds like it is dragging on your spirits.  May I suggest a compromise?  The next time Tonya suggests something that costs money – pedicures, Tarot readings, lunch at a fancy restaurant – counter-offer with an idea that is low-cost or free.  Colleges and universities frequently host lectures that are free and open to the public; in many areas, museums offer free admission on the first Saturday of the month; and your public library is a great place to look at local artwork, find a good book, or just chill with a friend!  If none of this appeals to you, why not try people watching at Wal-Mart?  The view is always an interesting one!                                                                                        

Photo courtesy of www.peopleofwalmart.com

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Great Movie Popcorn Debate: To Butter Or Not!

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue that keeps cropping up, and I am not certain how to solve it. My girlfriend and I love going to the movies, and we generally get a large popcorn to eat during the show. The problem is, I like my popcorn drenched in butter and she likes it plain.

I know the obvious answer is for us to get separate bags of popcorn, but the stuff is ridiculously overpriced as it is; so I really hate the idea of buying two medium popcorns for almost double the price of one large. I have asked the concessions people if they can give me a large popcorn in two bags, and put butter on only one of the portions but they have said they cannot do that - something about bag inventory being used to track sales.

Do you have any suggestions on how to solve this issue, Tazi?

Signed,
Butter Lover


Dear Butter Lover:

Bring a brown paper lunch bag with you from home, and pull it our when you reach the concessions area. After the concessionaire fills your popcorn bag, pour half of the still plain popcorn into the brown paper bag and leave it that way. Then, ask that s/he put butter on the remainder of the popcorn still in the original bag (because those bags are wax-lined to withstand a butter-drenching). Problem solved! You humans really do like to complicate the most simple of matters!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I hope you realize that of all the bad foods you humans love to eat, movie theater popcorn is one of the worst, even before drenching it in butter!

Bookworm Has Bored One Too Many Holes In Their Home

Dear Tazi:

I am what people would call a bookworm. I love books, and I love reading them. I love they way books look on my bookshelves and I love the way I can just pull out an old favorite and start to read anytime I want, without having to go to the library. I love books. My problem is that I long ago ran out of places to put new books, but have continued to grow my collection. I have stacks of books on the floor next to my bookshelves, on top of the entertainment center, and even boxes of books in my attic!

I realize that I should probably get rid of some of the books that I have not read in a long time or did not enjoy as much as others; but my books, when added together, represent a financial investment worth thousands of dollars. I realize their resale value is nowhere near what I paid for them, so I hold onto them because I cannot justify throwing away something for which I originally paid so much and is still in good condition. Do you have any ideas on how I should handle my book storage problem?

Signed,
Bookworm

Dear Bookworm:

It is time to thin the herd and get rid of some of your books. This may sound like a painful process, but you mention that there are some books that you have not read in a long time or did not enjoy as much as others. You could start thinning your collection by going through these books and donating them to your local library, Salvation Army, or Goodwill Industries store. All three will give you a receipt for tax purposes, so you will not be "throwing away" something for which you paid good money and your donation will go to help others in need.

Once you have your book collection down to a reasonable size, you will have to work to make certain things do not get out of control again. There are a several options you could try:

1. For every new book you bring into the house, you must donate an old one.

2. You could start a book-share with your fellow bookworms, and lend or trade books you have read for books you have not read.

3. You could start to visit the local library, and instead of purchasing every book you want to read you could start borrowing from their collection. This option would even allow you to visit some of your old books.

4. You could buy an e-reader - they have come way down in price over the last few years, and the available options on them have greatly improved. The cost of e-books is anywhere from 50% - 75% off the cost of traditional books, with many ebooks available for free. If you are not certain that you would enjoy using an e-reader, that is another reason to visit your local library: many now offer e-readers and e-books on loan to patrons, so you could give one a trial run before investing.

5. You could try a combination of all of the above, which would mix the best of all worlds.

Happy reading, and thank you for including my column in your day!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Georgia Bulldog Follows A Tradition That Family Does Not Understand

Dear Tazi:

I am a huge sports fan. I love my teams - professional and college (Go Georgia Bulldogs!!!) - and attend several games a year; including the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry, for which I travel back to Georgia every year. The dates of my travel games are known well in advance, and I make my plans well in advance, too. I have been making the trip back to Georgia for the past fifteen years (since I graduated from the University of Georgia), so my habits are nothing new. My entire family knows how important these games are to me, and MOST have been understanding enough not to plan any major events that would conflict.

My problem is my sister. She got engaged this past Christmas, and decided to set her wedding date for the same day as the UGA-Auburn game (that's the game I am referring to when I mention "the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry"); the most important game of the year! People come "home" from all over the world to attend this game; buying tickets as soon as they go on sale - in fact, I had just bought my tickets when she announced her wedding date: 11-15-14. Her reason for picking this date? Because her Astrologer told her that this date would result in a "fruitful marriage. (My sister is 42 and is done having kids, so it is not like her biological clock is ticking. This will be her third marriage, too, so I think she is hoping that the word "fruitful" is not being used in the Biblical sense). I explained to her that I would not be able to attend her wedding that weekend and asked her to reschedule, but she just flew into a Bridezilla rage and called me every name in the book.

My family is from up North, so they don't understand the full meaning of the game tradition; which is why they feel I should be the one to cancel my plans in order to attend my sister's wedding. I offered to compromise if she would - I would fly home early and be there for the week of planned, pre-wedding celebrations; but she has her heart set on the date she chose and refused to budge, calling me a "bad brother". I am afraid I lost my temper and told her that she should get married on 12-13-14 if all she cared about was the superstitions of astrology and numerology, and now she is not speaking to me. My mother has suggested that I cancel my trip "in order to make peace", but as I see it that would just be letting my sister have her way.

Tazi, do you have any idea on how I can get myself out of this mess - without pulling a no-show to the greatest game of the season?

Signed,
A Bulldog In The Doghouse

Dear Bulldog:

If there is only one thing I know about the South it is that tradition comes before everything. I have met women in their 40's who return "home" for their sorority installation ceremonies and men of the same age who will plan their family vacation around the type of football rivalry games you have described. Some may find this way of life disturbing; I find it refreshing that respect for tradition is not lost in the hustle and bustle of every day commitments.

Being a Northerner, the closest thing to a rivalry game I have ever attended is the University of RI - Providence College basketball game, which is something fewer and fewer people seem to care about every year and especially this one as neither team has done well in the past few years. What can I say? Many Northern teams have fair-weather fans, and this appears to be the point of view from which your family is viewing your situation. You need to educate them on the historical importance of this game - share with them the rich history of the game; how it goes back over a century; and why the rivalry still exists today. Tell them of the camaraderie that occurs between fans, turning strangers into friends and friends into extended family.

The fact that you have been making this trip for 15 years speaks to the importance of this event and while I realize that your sister's wedding is also important, her reasoning for choosing the date she chose; her Bridzilla meltdown; and her complete refusal to compromise shows a complete lack of maturity and sensitivity on her part. She is, however, a blood relation; and as the expression goes, blood is thicker than water - even if you do bleed black as well as red. The game time has yet to be announced, but these games generally take place in the afternoon or the evening. Would your sister be adverse to having a morning wedding; at a time that would allow you to at least attend the ceremony (although not the reception) before hopping a plane to attend your game? Since neither of you wishes to budge, this appears to be the only compromise possible.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Soon Is "Too Soon" To Give A Gift Of Jewelry?

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I have been dating a woman I will call "Annabelle" for about six weeks, and I am absolutely crazy about her, but I am not certain how she feels about me. She seems to like me, but I just don't feel like I am a priority in her life - at least not the way she is in mine. Christmas is a few months away, and I would like to buy her a nice gift; but I am unsure exactly what kind of gift I should get her.

I am considering buying Annabelle a gift that expresses how I feel about her, like a nice piece of jewelry - obviously not a ring (not yet) but a tennis bracelet or a pair of gemstone earrings would let her know just how much I care about her, and how deeply invested I am in the relationship. On the other hand, I am afraid that giving such an extravagant gift might frighten her away, which is the last thing I want; but I don't want her to think I am not interested, either. Should I wait until Valentine's Day to buy her something expensive, and just go with something a little more generic - like a sweater - for Christmas?

Signed,
Sighing Over Annabelle

Dear Sighing:

Traditional rules of etiquette state that it is inappropriate for a woman to accept jewelry from any man to whom she is not related, with the exception of an engagement ring. Some women still subscribe to this point of view, and will gracefully refuse such a gift; while others will accept anything shiny and sparkly, regardless of who is offering it. I would say that most women fall somewhere in between these two extremes.

According to the MySears.com gift-giving guide, it is not proper to give jewelry to a woman you have been seeing for less than three months and, as you have safely assumed, it is never a smart move to give a ring as a gift - even a gemstone ring - unless you are proposing to her or she is under the explicit understanding that it is not - or is, if that is the case - an engagement ring.

Since you are uncertain as to the level of commitment Annabelle is feeling towards you, jewelry should be out of the question until this question has been settled. Do not pressure her for an answer that she may not be ready - or even able, at this early point - to give; rather, allow the relationship to develop in its own time.

In the meantime, if you wish to purchase Annabelle a Christmas gift, try for something more personal than a DVD but less personal than jewelry. A sweater, as you suggested, might be seen as a little personal; as it would require knowing Annabelle's "sizes", and this is not information most women willingly reveal. For a personal gift with meaning, why not consider Annabelle's interests? If she likes to read, you could purchase her a nicely bound edition of something by her favorite author. If she likes music, an iPod shuffle is a thoughtful gift. Be creative, without breaking your bank account; and keep in mind that Annabelle may not be as serious about you as you are about her, so try not to be disappointed if she fails to reciprocate. In the immortal words of The Fonz, "Christmas is for giving, not for trading".

Snuggles,
Tazi

Elderly Aunt Leaves Legacy Without Even Realizing It

Dear Tazi:

You remind me so much of my beloved Spats, except that your paws are all black and Spats has the most adorable white booties on his paws! I am writing to you today to ask your advice on a question I have regarding inheritance.

I am a 96 year old lady, who never married and has no children of my own; just several nephews and nieces, as well as grand-nephews and nieces, and even one great-grand nephew! Before my siblings all passed (I am the youngest of 11!), my nephews and nieces would visit me regularly with their children in tow. As the years passed on, so did my siblings and the visits from their children became fewer and far between until they completely stopped about 10 years ago.

A few months ago, my youngest grand-nephew, "Carl" started college. For his American History class, he had to interview someone who has lived through important moments in American history. I was quite flattered when he chose me because, as he said, "Aunty Nana, you have lived through so much history!" I suppose that was a polite way of saying I am old, but I also suppose it is true!

As a part of his project, Carl stopped by to visit me on several occasions to ask me questions about my memories of important events in U.S. History - the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the assassination of President Kennedy, the civil rights movement of the 1960's, and the like. I have truly enjoyed Carl's visits, and I think he enjoyed them, too, because he has continued to visit with me on a weekly basis; even though his project is now complete.

Tazi-Kat, until Carl started visiting me, I thought I had nobody to whom I could bequeath my sizeable estate when I pass. I was going to leave everything in trust for Spats, and then to charity when he passed; but now I am considering re-writing my will and, after making financial accommodations for Spats and a donation to my local ASPCA, leaving the remainder of my estate to Carl. My concern is that Carl is still young, and I fear his interest in spending time with me will be fleeting. I do not wish to bribe him into spending time with me, but I do not wish to leave an inheritance to one who deserts me in my old age. It is for this reason that I am not leaving anything to my nephews or nieces.

I am also concerned that if I do leave everything to Carl, he will see it as a door to Easy Street and leave school before he completes his education. His goal is to be a History teacher, like I was before I retired. I know how difficult it is to live on a teacher's salary - my fortune comes from investing well - so I know that an inheritance will be helpful to Carl should he continue on this path. My Spats loves him, and animals are a good judge of character, plus he seems like such a good, sincere young man. He introduced me to the Facebook that all of his cousins use to keep in touch with each other, and shows me the pictures they post of themselves so I may see what is going on with them. It was on the Facebook that I saw your column, too! Such a smart kitty you are! Do you have any advice for an old lady like me?

Signed,
Aunty Nana to 35

Dear Aunty Nana:

You sound like a lovely lady, old or not, and if I were there with you I would cuddle up on your lap and purr to show you how nice I think you are!

It is shameful that many of our country's elderly are left to live out their final years alone, so I can see why you appreciate your grand-nephew's visits and his interest in what you have to say. Judging by the fact that he wants to be a History teacher, I would say that his interest in you and all that you have lived through is quite sincere. His absence from your life up until this point should not be held against him - he would have been no older than 8 years old the last time he saw you, and may very well not have known of your existence up until a few months ago - so I would not worry about him suddenly becoming too busy to spend time with you.

I can understand your concerns about Carl's youth and for that reason, should you decide to leave your estate to him, it should be left in trust for him until he

A) Reaches a certain age (say 25)
B) Completes his education and finds employment in his field or
C) Both of the above

This plan will guarantee that Carl is old enough (and hopefully mature enough) to handle a sizable inheritance and has completed his education. When a person goes through the trouble of earning a degree and in Carl's case, two degrees - a Bachelors and a Masters, as a graduate degree is required to teach in many states - they generally are not in a hurry to completely abandon it; regardless of their financial situation.

Please keep in mind, though, that you may have many years still ahead of you to mentor Carl and encourage him in his studies, so try to put worry aside and enjoy your time together. Whether you realize it or not, mentoring is what you are doing during your weekly visits with your grand-nephew; and this is a gift that no amount of money could ever buy! Long after you have passed on, the financial cushion that you leave Carl - however small or sizable - will be appreciated; but the time you spent with him is a legacy that will mean all the more.

Snuggles, snuggles, and more snuggles to you and Spats,
Tazi

P.S. Should you bequeath your estate to Carl, you need not tell him of your decision. This way, you can always change your mind should circumstances change, and there will be no hard feelings against you.

Man-Child Needs To Grow Up Before It's Time To Retire

Dear Tazi:

What am I going to do with my son?  Seriously, I need to know what to do with the man!  “Robert” is 43 years old, never married, and still living with me without contributing to the household expenses.  He has never, ever moved out of his childhood bedroom and still sleeps in the twin bed he had growing up.  Robert originally went to college to study Criminal Justice because he wanted to be a police officer.  Unfortunately, after four years of college he failed the physical exam for every police force in the region due to his slow running skills.  Apparently, a police officer that cannot run fast is not an asset to the force.  Although he never told me so exactly, I believe this is what also kept him out of the Army; which he applied for after being rejected by more than a dozen police outfits. 

Robert took an unfulfilling, dead-end job in office supply sales to make ends meet when he decided what he really wanted to do was teach.  I think he liked the idea of a flexible schedule and summers off, he insisted that he wanted to “help mold the minds of the next generation”.  Four years later (spent getting a second Bachelor’s and a Masters in Education) Robert decided he did not like teaching, but would “tough it out” until he was able to pay off his student loans (I paid for his first degree only). 

Robert has spent the last ten years teaching on-again off-again and complaining how much he hates his job, calling out sick as often as he is allowed – sometimes too often, which has resulted in his termination.  Contrary to popular belief, teachers can get fired; especially if they do not have tenure or even seniority.  I showed him your letter about jobs that you can do with a degree in education that do not involve teaching, but he said he had no interest in any of them. 

Robert has now decided that the reason he has been so unfulfilled in his work and romantic relationships is because God is calling him to be a man of the cloth.  He is looking into entering the seminary to study for the Roman Catholic priesthood, which would be fine with me if it did not mean I would have to pay off the remainder of his student debts and send him a monthly stipend to ensure he does not incur further debt while “studying for God”. 

If Robert did not have such a spotted past when it came to his career, I would be more than happy to assist him in this new endeavor; however, I am afraid that Robert is looking for free room and board from someone new now that I am getting older and looking to retire to Florida.  Do you think I should take a chance on my son, Tazi?  Or should I allow him to take this leap of faith on his own?

Signed,

Losing Faith

Dear Losing Faith:

Your son is 43 years old and still trying to find himself, this is obvious.  If you would like to continue supporting him; have the means to do so; and honestly believe that the reason he has failed in all of his career endeavors so far is because he is being thwarted by God in order to push him on the right path than by all means go for it.  If you have doubts, though…

The fact that your son chose a career in which he was not physically able to perform is regrettable, but I will give him a pass.  I believe everyone is entitled to a do-over; his just happened a little sooner than expected.  The fact that your son hated teaching from the moment he set foot in the classroom leads me to believe that you are correct in thinking he was seeking summers off rather than fulfilling a desire to “mold the minds of the next generation”. 

You have done what you can in assisting your son in his quest for career fulfillment.  You have generously allowed him to live with you free of charge so he could pay off his student loans that much sooner.  You have no reason to feel guilty should you decide to let your son sink or swim on his own.  It is not like you are telling him to jump off of a cliff and promising that angels will catch him (Matthew 4:11); you have been his angel for quite some time.  If the priesthood is your son's desire, he can make a financial plan that involves paying off his student loans and saving up for his future as a seminarian – and as a Catholic priest, because the “free room and board” deal ends at retirement.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Soon Is "Too Soon" To Be Physically Intimate?

Dear Tazi:

Try as I might, I can’t seem to meet a nice guy who wants a commitment. I am in my twenties, and am ready to settle down with one person, hopefully getting married and have kids by the time I am thirty, so as you can see I cannot afford to waste any time.

I have tried various ways to meet people, from bars and clubs to online dating sites, but it seems like the guys I meet are only window shopping and looking for free samples, if you get my meaning. It has reached the point that I have started holding out to the second or even third date before having sex, but the guys still don’t stick around. I am starting to think that it is me, like maybe I am bad in bed or too clingy after sex.

My friends have all told me that I am expecting way too much far too early. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that once two people have sex they are considered to be a couple. The men I have seen have all been the first to initiate sex, so it is not like I am offering it up with no expectations of a future relationship. I think calling them the next day if they don’t call me is not inappropriate, but my friends all tell me my “clinginess” is what is chasing men away. Who would you say is right, me or my friends?

Signed,

Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used:

While there is no set timetable as to when carnal relations should commence, not everyone feels as you do that having sex with someone – for the first time or the hundredth time – makes them your significant other. Sometimes, like it or not, you are seen as a casual encounter.

Since you are unable to separate sex from commitment, I would advise that you hold off on the heavy physical involvement until you are certain where things stand with the next man you start seeing. Take your time to get to know each other on a less (physically) intimate level and work at getting to know each other and whether or not you are compatible as a couple. I do not know if you are sending out signals that you want to have sex, but should a man try to initiate it there are polite ways to disentangle yourself and explain that you would prefer to wait until you know each other a little better.

If holding out sexually is not to your preference, you will have to do as your friends suggest and ease up on the “clinginess”, as well as expect fewer callbacks for dates. Some men are, as you suggest, looking for “free samples” and once the challenge of attaining it is over so is any connection between the two of you. As a (neutered) tomcat, I can tell you that few men will turn down sex when they think there are no strings attached!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Now Grown, Sister Is Afraid Of Being Pushed Back Into The Shadows

Dear Tazi:

I am one of those people who grew up in the shadow of a sibling. Like Jan Brady, my older sister was the perfect one; Miss Popularity who got all of the attention, while I was just “Marcia’s” sister. As fate would have it, we both went to the same state college, and enrolled in the same major, Communications, but different concentrations – I chose Public Relations while Marcia went towards Advertising; however, we had a lot of classes together – I couldn’t get away from her.

After graduating, I decided to start my career while Marcia decided to continue on to graduate school, thinking it would make her more marketable. It didn’t. In fact, her choice backfired, making her un-hirable in our local market because her education level demanded more money, which local employers did not have to pay. Rather than accept less than she could make elsewhere, Marcia moved to a larger city while I stayed in our hometown. The distance between us actually helped us to grow closer, as Marcia learned what it was like to leave her comfort zone and I was allowed to step out of her shadow.

Over the years we have both done well in our chosen career fields and I even went to graduate school, courtesy of my company’s tuition-reimbursement plan. I have married and have a wonderful husband and children. I am truly blessed! Marcia, on the other hand, has taken a different path over the years, one that led to difficulty during the economic recession.

Marcia has bounced from one market to the next, never building up seniority at any one place, but reaching for the next rung of her career ladder when an opening became available in a desirable market. In this way, she reached upper management very swiftly, but never put down roots anywhere. She was living in Nevada when the recession hit, and she has not quite recovered from the huge blow she took. After two years of looking for a job opening in a similar or higher position that she last held, her savings are running out and she is talking about moving “home” to look for a job.

Tazi, I realize that our hometown has not been “home” to Marcia in over a decade, but I can’t help but feel frightened that her return will threaten all that I have managed to build for myself. I am afraid that I will go back to being Marcia’s sister and all that I have accomplished and all that I cherish will be forgotten. Marcia on the other hand talks excitedly about renewing our sisterly bond and how she can’t wait to be a part of my children’s lives, which worries me the most. What if my children prefer their Auntie to me, just like everyone else used to prefer Marcia to me?

Signed,

“Jan”

Dear “Jan”:

I am sure there will be a lot of people who will be able to relate to what you have written. Growing up in the shadow of a sibling can be a painful experience, but luckily – as you have found – that shadow is something we eventually outgrow. Having gone to college and studied the same major as your sister extended your time in that place, but you have bloomed since taking the path that led you to sunshine.

There is one sentence in your letter that is very telling of what the future may hold, but you seem to have missed it in your worry of what might happen versus what will most likely happen. You state that your hometown “has not been ‘home’ to Marcia in over a decade”. I would like you to think upon all the changes that have occurred during that time. Who has moved away or passed on? Who has moved into your town? Which of Marcia’s old boyfriends have moved on and married women they could not imagine living without? How many of Marcia’s best friends have developed new, adult friendships? Marcia may be moving back to her hometown, but I doubt it is the same town she left all those years ago. Upon arrival, she may discover that she is viewed as “Jan’s sister”. Do your best to overcome any desire to revel in this glory, and try to take a compassionate view by reintroducing your sister to the hometown she left behind.

"Wanna see my Linda Blair impression, Marcia?"

Regarding your final concern…it is my hope that your children will enjoy the time they spend with their Auntie – times with aunties are supposed to be fun times! Just remember that the love between a mother and child is something unique and that it can never be surpassed; it is not a more or less kind of love, it is a different kind of love that can never be taken away from you.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.