Fan of Teen Dream Wonders If Her Development Has Been Arrested

Dear Tazi:

I am in my mid-thirties, and when I was young I was totally addicted to the Sweet Valley High books that all the girls would read. My childhood wasn't the greatest, by Sweet Valley standards - I wasn't popular, wasn't stand-out pretty, and wasn't rich - so I would escape into the world of Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, fantasizing that I was one of their friends.

Over the years, my friends stopped reading the Sweet Valley books, but I never did. Even now, on a bad day, I will slip into my fantasy world of Sweet Valley High School and feel my stress melt away. My question is, am I normal? Are there others out there like me? Or am I, like my mother tells me, in need of therapy? For the record, I am successful in my career and happy with my life overall.

Signed,
Jessica's Biggest Fan!

Dear Jessica's Biggest Fan!:

Some people combat the stress of a bad day by drinking; others by abusing their loved ones, both physically and emotionally. These are the people who require therapy. As for whether or not you would benefit from a few trips to a counselor, ask yourself: Are you otherwise well-adjusted? Do you relate to others on an adult level? If you read for enjoyment, do you read age-appropriate materials? Do you understand that the standard of living in the Sweet Valley High books is completely out of touch with reality?

What '80's/'90's girl didn't LOVE Sweet Valley High?

If you were able to answer "yes" to all of the above questions, I would say that you are a perfectly normal, well-adjusted adult and that your mother has no reason to worry. If, however, you answered "no" to any (or all) of the above questions, it would appear that you are suffering from arrested development and a few sessions with a counselor could help you in overcoming whatever it is about the real world that is stressing you back to childhood.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Try To Look At All Angles Before Deciding If Things Are Uneven

Dear Tazi:

I believe I have a quandary that you might be able to solve for me.  I have been with my boyfriend for two-and-a-half years.  After our one year anniversary I started hoping for an engagement ring, and decided that the best way to give my sweetie the hint was to plan a romantic getaway.  We drove to a cozy bed and breakfast in upstate New York, visited Niagara Falls, and did all sorts of romantic things for two.  My boyfriend had a great time, and suggested that we get away like that more often.  What I did not realize was that he expected me to continue to plan these getaways while he kicked back and enjoyed them.

To date, my boyfriend and I have gone away for week-long vacations and weekends away a half a dozen times - with me planning every detail every single time, from picking a location, researching it, vetting hotels, budgeting, and booking reservations.  This takes a lot of time and energy on my part, but I figure it is worth it if my boyfriend gets down on one knee and asks for my hand.  That's right, Tazi; after a year-and-a-half of waiting and cajoling and hinting he still has not asked me to marry him!

I am starting to wonder if he is the kind of man I would want to marry.  What kind of man expects the woman to do all of the planning for a vacation?  What else would I be expected to plan if we got married?  The entire wedding, from rehearsal dinner to honeymoon?  And after we were married, what other responsibilities would fall upon my shoulders?  Would I be the one to research life insurance plans and look for a house in a nice neighborhood that we can afford?  I tend to over-react sometimes, Tazi, and I think I might be over-reacting now, Tazi, but I am upset over constantly having to plan our vacations from start to finish.  Do you think this is a sign of things to come?

Signed,
Polly Planner

Dear Polly Planner:

Your letter arrived to me just as Mommie and Daddy were explaining to me that they would be going away on vacation for several days and that my Co-Mommie would be left in charge.  Great, I thought...my cereal bowls are going to be empty and my litter-boxes full!  Why?  Because as much as you plan, you cannot control every factor of your plan - in my case, clean facilities; in your case an engagement ring.  Sometimes, we just need to suck it up and deal.

Could it be that your boyfriend lets you plan everything because you like to be in control of the planning?  After reading your letter (twice!) I get the impression that you have an entire life planned out for you and your boyfriend; including when, where, and possibly how he should propose to you.  I suggest you s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and give things a chance to develop naturally, and not at the speed you desire.

Since I travel no further than the front yard, I asked my Mommie about who does the planning when she and Daddy travel.  She explained it to me thus: "I do the planning, but I run everything by him to see if it is something he would like to do, too.  I book the reservations and plan out the itinerary, but he does all of the driving to and from our destination, and everywhere in between.  Oh, and he pumps gas, too!  He also carries all of the luggage (and I always over-pack!) and balances the checkbook at the end of the trip."

As far as I see it, Mommie does the pre-vacation work and Daddy does the rest, which amounts to an equitable split.  Does your boyfriend do any of this for you, or are you left to plan everything and hope he will like it; split the driving time; haul your own luggage; and balance the checkbook on your own?  If this is the case, you are right to question what kind of man you are dating.  If I were you, I would run as fast as possible up the nearest tree until he goes away; or whatever it is humans do to get away from someone who is bad news.

Did I ever mention my complete inability to climb tree?

If, however, your boyfriend is pulling his share of the load and you are just not noticing it than it is you who needs to open your eyes to the good thing you have.  Working on your own faults is the best way to improve a relationship; working to change your partner is the best way to ruin one.  I suggest that the next time you start to plan a romantic getaway ask your boyfriend to assist you, and ask his opinion of what you have planned.  In other words, make him feel involved in the planning of his own future - the short term, as well as the long term.  I cannot promise it will get you a ring any sooner, but it will make your boyfriend feel that he is a valued part of your life, and not simply a means to an end (of an alter).

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Every Day Is A New Opportunity For Change

Dear Tazi:

I hate my life. I feel like all I do is work to pay the bills, just to survive, with nothing left over for fun. I am not very pretty, and I am not very bright, so I don’t have too many friends. I had a boyfriend once, but it didn’t last very long because being with me reminded him that I was the best he could get. That depressed him, so he left. I try to talk to people over the Internet, in chat rooms or in RPG’s [role paying games] but it turns out that I am not very interesting. I never know what to say so nobody wants to chat with me. I have thought about writing a blog, just so I can feel like someone out there is listening to me, but I am not a very good writer. In fact, it seems like the only thing I am good at is complaining how horrible my life and everything in it is.

 I am not depressed, Tazi. I got screened for that and the doctors told me my problem was low self-esteem and a lack of personal interests. They suggested counseling, which I tried but didn’t like. The person I saw told me I needed to try and change what I did not like about my life, and that just seemed too hard. My dream is to win the Powerball and change my life with plastic surgery – liposuction, breast implants, collagen, whatever it takes to make me beautiful and interesting. Do you think this dream is out of reach, Tazi?

Signed,
Boring Betty

Dear Boring Betty:

Your life doesn’t sound like a happy one, but your counselor was correct: only you have the power to change it. You pack a lot of information into one long paragraph, so I will try to address each of your concerns one at a time.

1. You say that you are not that pretty and are not that bright. I say that everyone is beautiful in their own way, and that inner beauty is what matters the most. Try to find yours, and let it shine through to light your world.

2. You feel like you never have enough money for fun. In this economy, a lot of people feel that way. If costs are overwhelming you, maybe you should consider living in a roommate or boarding house situation. This would cut your rent by at least half, leaving money left over for fun. Plus, you would not be all alone all of the time!

3. You mention that your boyfriend left you and you cannot make friends in chat rooms. Your boyfriend left for reasons that belong to him, not you. Don’t make his problems your own. Do not take credit for his worsening self-esteem issues! As for making friends in chat rooms, sometimes the best friends are the ones who sit back and listen to what others are saying. The more you listen – really listen, and not tune out – the easier it will be to think of a reply.

4. If you want to start a blog, start one! You say that you are only good at complaining about how horrible your life is. Write about that! Use your blog as on online outlet to vetch! It’s fun, it’s free, and people seem to enjoy this kind of stuff. Be the voice others want to hear! If nothing else, it might brighten your mood.

If you do not know how to write, a good way to learn is to take a course in online writing. You could apply for financial assistance to pay for it, so it will not cost you a dime and you will learn how to create a quality blog that people will want to read. This path will also get you out of the house and among other people with similar interests as you.

5. Winning the Powerball is not something you can plan on, so do not base your future on it happening. It will only depress you further.

6. Plastic surgery will only change what is on the outside. Until you learn to love yourself on the inside no amount of physical changes will bring you happiness. Create your own reality and happiness will follow.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man's All Play Attitude Catches Up To Him; Leaves His In A Dangerous Spot

Dear Tazi:

My adult son, "Jimmy" is 43, and thinks he is still the greatest thing since sliced bread. Admittedly, he was a very attractive young man; but years of smoking, heavy drinking, and hard partying have robbed him of his looks. Unfortunately, he does not realize this and thinks he is still God's gift to women.

This past Christmas season, Jimmy's long-time girlfriend (and mother of his son) "Joanie" got tired of waiting around for the wedding ring he promised her no later than three years ago. She packed up her stuff and moved out of state, taking my five-year-old grandson with her. Because they were always a couple, Jimmy and Joanie never went to court to establish custody rights, so I believe Joanie is within her rights to move away with their son. Jimmy has not seen this situation as a wake-up call to put his partying ways behind him and honor Joanie and their son by getting married and becoming a family man. Rather, he responded to my criticism by telling me he was "getting bored with Joanie, anyway" and was "tired of always having to babysit" his son. I am so angry with him, I can't even see straight! As if all of this was not bad enough, here comes the reason I am writing to you:

Jimmy has not offered any money for child-support, arguing that he does not get to see his son so why should he pay support? Joanie has threatened to sue for child-support if Jimmy does not agree to a reasonable, contracted amount to send on a weekly basis. I know that child-support is based upon the income a person has reported on their tax returns; I also know that Jimmy - who owns his own successful contracting company - has not paid taxes in over a decade, business or personal. If Jimmy ends up going to court, his lack of tax returns could lead to criminal charges of tax evasion. Due to his partying ways, Jimmy has not saved a dime of his earnings and there is no way he would be able to pay his tax debt, plus penalties. My late husband left me some life-insurance monies, but this was to be used for my own security in retirement. Jimmy does not know that I have this money, so I have not felt obligated to offer it. I am so confused as to what I should do, because Jimmy has ignored Joanie's demands, shrugging and saying "Let her sue. I have no proof of income!" Help!

Signed,
Worried To Pieces

Dear Worried To Pieces:

The fact that your son has not paid child-support - or taxes - is unnerving, to put it mildly. You are right to be concerned about your son's plight, but please do not put your financial security at risk for someone who has squandered their own - even if it is your own son. The fact that Jimmy "owns his own successful contracting company" tells me that his tax burden will be a big one - income taxes (Federal and state); social security taxes; and business taxes will all be owed, along with interest and penalties. Your son's tax burden could easily top $200,000, considering that he has not paid taxes "in over a decade"; which is why the first thing he needs to do is contact a good tax attorney and hope against hope that there is a way to file accurate tax returns for the past decade or more. Your son does not sound like the responsible type so I doubt he has any kind of paperwork or receipts documenting his income and expenses.

April 15th is quickly approaching!

In spite of your son's claim that he has "no proof of income", unless all of his clients have paid him cash there will be a paper trail - cashed checks, business records/filed receipts, tax write-offs from those who paid him to make improvements to home or business, and payroll receipts (if he has anybody working for him). The fact that Joanie was with your son for at least three of these past ten years leads me to believe she knows roughly how much your son earned from his business; any additional information she can provide (names of clients, job sites, etc.) will tell her attorney where to start digging for information.

My advice to you is to show your son this letter, and spell out for him what he is not seeing: that his past has caught up with him, and unless he wants to spend the foreseeable future in a jail cell, he will first honor Joanie's request for child-support and second work on putting his financial house in order. It is long past time for Jimmy to grow up!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. One does not "babysit" their own child! It's called "parenting", and I hope you made this fact clear to your son! --T.K.

Churchgoer Is Generous With Money; Not So Much With Spirit

Dear Tazi:

I am a daily churchgoer who tithes (yes, we are out there in this hedonistic society!). Each month, I send a check for 10% of my gross income directly to my church. I believe the money I donate is between me, God, and the parish bookkeeper. However, at weekend masses when the collection basket is passed, I would swear the other parishioners are giving me dirty looks because I do not put in any money. These are the same people who arrive at mass late, leave early, and live sinful lives the rest of the week! I will not be judged by such hypocrites, and want to say or do something to let them know that their disdain is sorely misplaced; however, I am not comfortable saying something during mass, and like I said they leave early so I cannot approach them after the mass.

I have considered putting an empty envelope in the basket each week, just for show, but I fear that would be a show of pride, something the Bible teaches against. I would talk to the pastor but I am afraid I might sound petty, even though I do not feel as though I am being petty. My reputation is being sullied, and I want to set the record straight. I have asked myself, "What would Jesus do?" but am uncertain of the answer, so now I am asking you.

Signed,
Monthly Giver

Dear Monthly Giver:

You want to know "What would Tazi-Kat do?" I feel so appreciated! I might have to make this my new slogan. To answer your question of what I would do, I would do nothing. No, check that...I would follow the advice of the gospel of Matthew, 7:5: "First cast out the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother's eye" (KJV).

Check your pride at the door, please...

Perhaps others at mass are throwing dirty looks your way, or perhaps it is your imagination. What concerns me more is your statement that you believe your financial contribution to your church is between you, your God, and "the parish bookkeeper", yet you seek to let others know just how often you give, if not how much as well. To reference the gospel of Matthew again (6:5): "And when you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men..." (KJV).

While your attendance record at mass and your generosity of wallet are admirable you appear to lack a generosity of the spirit, referring to those you assume are judging you as "hypocrites" who "lead sinful lives", on top of your blanket statement about our "hedonistic society". Are you not a sinner, too? I am reminded of yet another passage from our friend Matthew (7:1) "Judge not, that you be not judged." (KJV).

If, after reflecting on your own behaviors and attitudes you are still bothered by what you perceive to be dirty looks (real or imagined), I suggest that you deposit your check in the collection basket once a month (or on a weekly basis) rather than send it directly to the parish offices - just be sure to explain the reason for the change to your pastor. He is, after all, the leader of the congregation and he has a right to know if you are being made to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps this is an issue he or she can address in a sermons.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Widowed Gentleman Wonders If He Is Leading Her On...

Dear Tazi:

I am fiftysomething years old, in good physical shape, attractive, financially secure, and widowed. My beloved wife of almost thirty years died of breast cancer two years ago and although I am ready to move forward with my life, I am not ready to move on from her memory. What I am saying is, I am not looking to date.

I realize my “Just for Men” model looks and my financial portfolio, as well as my manners, put a large bulls-eye on me for women seeking a husband, but I am simply not ready to walk that path.


Over the past several months I have been volunteering with different breast cancer awareness events in my community, working in memory of my late wife and hoping to meet people who will understand my loss. I have been asked out by many breast cancer survivors, all of whom I have politely refused, explaining that I am simply not ready for a romantic companion. Some women have taken it well, others not so much. There is one woman in particular who refuses to take no for an answer.

“Brianna” is a woman who is young enough to be my daughter; she is constantly asking me to join her for coffee or bringing me coffee and asking me to take a coffee break with her. Although I can refuse to join her for coffee it seems rude to turn down a coffee that she has brought me. I do, however, refuse to stop working to take a coffee break, explaining to her that the cause depends on my commitment to it.

I was recently told by a few of the women with whom I volunteer that I am leading Brianna on by accepting the hot coffee that she has purchased for me; that I am only encouraging her behavior and inflating her hopes that one day soon I will accept her offer for a coffee “date”. Tazi, this was never my intention in accepting the coffee that Brianna had purchased for me. I thought I was only being a gentleman in accepting a hot beverage that had been prepared to my liking. Have I done something wrong? Have I led this young woman to believe there could be something more between us? Or have I behaved appropriately. So much has changed since I was last considered an eligible bachelor; I want to make certain I have not committed an egregious error in judgment.

Signed,
Mr. Widower

Dear Mr. Widower:

You sound like a charming gentleman! I can see why all the single ladies are after you! The fact that Brianna is aggressive to a fault is no fault of yours; your accepting a coffee that she has already bought and paid for is not the same as accepting her offer to buy you a coffee. If you are uncomfortable accepting coffee from Brianna, knowing how she feels about you, you can offer to pay for the beverage the next time she brings you one. This should make it clear to even the most blinded by affection that you are not interested in her, and are not wavering on your disinterested stance.

Much has changed in the dating world over the past thirty years, but the rules of etiquette never go out of style. Continue to be the gentleman you have always been and in time, should you be ready to start dating again, you will find no shortage of ladies who appreciate a fine gentleman such as yourself!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #54 - Bucket Lists

Dear Readers:

I have been thinking a lot lately about Bucket Lists. Being a rescue cat, my list is rather short:

#1 Find a family who will love and worship me for the amazing creature that I am. (Check!).

#2 Have lunch with Golden Girl and animal activist Betty White. (Still dreaming about this one…).

Cats love two people: the one who feeds us, and Betty White!

My Mommie, on the other hand, has had such a list since she was a child, aptly titled “Things To Do Before I Die”; since the Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie The Bucket List such lists have become quite popular and Mommie has hence renamed her list with that less morbid sounding title.

Unlike most Bucket Lists, Mommie has kept her list reasonable (for the most part). Her goal is to see and experience things that people always talk about seeing and doing but never actually occur. A few weeks ago, she saw a uniformed police officer in a doughnut shop – something she had never actually seen before, even though it is the oldest joke in the book – and she laughed as she told the officer she would be able to cross that item off of her Bucket List; the officer smiled and told her she needs to go to doughnut shops more often, because the old stereotype is not a fallacy – cops really do hang out in doughnut shops. Who knew?

Other items on Mommie’s Bucket list include wishing upon a shooting star (done!) and white water rafting in Maine (not done), as well as little, everyday things like spot an A-List celebrity eating lunch in Providence (a lot of celebrities and children of celebrities go to Brown University), and meet Family Guy creator SethMcFarlane in person (her brother has and she is soooooo envious, even if they did meet at a funeral!).

I believe the items on a person’s Bucket List are a representation of who they are. Are they practical? Are they a dreamer? Are they a practical dreamer? Some Bucket Lists reflect adventure while others are full of luxuries; some focus on physical challenge while others focus on obtaining material possessions; still others represent emotional fulfillment (Item #33 – adopt a Welsh corgi and name it Sapphire). 

Which brings me to the newly created Item #3 on my list:
Get rid of Sapphire!

I have often wondered if a Bucket List should be a list to actually accomplish or a list of things to strive to accomplish (shoot for the moon and end up among the stars) and have come to the conclusion that they should be a combination of both, as well as a combination of objective and subjective goals. While Mommie would love to spot Joe Pesci eating a Snickers bar (she loves that commercial) some would argue if he really qualifies as an A-List celebrity anymore; there is a whole generation that recognizes him not from Raging Bull but from Home Alone. This brings me to my next point…

Should Bucket Lists be something you share with another person? Think about it…your Bucket List is a list of the dreams you hope to fulfill before you pass from this life. How would you feel if someone laughed at those goals? Would you be able to resist laughing at items like #51: Get up and sing Little Bunny Foo Foo at the bar on karaoke night? (Done!). Why would such a ridiculous item even be on a Bucket List? To quote the late Mount Everest mountaineer George Mallory, because it’s there (seriously, check the song list…). Sometimes, the opportunity to be courageous presents itself in the strangest of ways.

What sort of things are on your Bucket List? Are they realistic, accomplish-able goals or pipe dreams? Are they the sort of goals that others would scoff at or support? Do you think they reveal a side of you that others don’t know or have never seen? (As I write this, my normally placid mannered Mommie is yammering on about how she accomplished Item #78 – Release my inner Joe Pesci on someone who richly deserves it!). If you would like, please share an item from your Bucket List in the comments section or on my Facebook page or Tweet me at @TaziKat, and let me know if you have accomplished it yet! And if Betty White is reading this…can we do lunch?

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Chunky Grandchild Needs Loving Support, Not Criticism Or Denial

Dear Tazi:

I have a difficult family issue that I feel needs to be addressed, but I am unsure how to approach it. My grandchild, "Suzie" is 10-years-old and weights over 150 pounds. She needs to shop at the women's plus-size stores just to find clothes that will fit her. She is not tall for her age, either - in fact, she is on the short side, making her weight all the more shocking. Since underactive thyroid problems run on my side of the family, my son (Suzie's father) insists that she is checked for thyroid problems at her yearly physical, and so far everything has come back normal, so her weight is not a glandular issue. It is an issue of poor diet and a lack of exercise.

I would like to approach my son and daughter-in-law about Suzie's weight, and ask about getting her into some kind of after-school fitness program, but I know that I would be treading on delicate ground. Suzie's mother insists that it's just "baby fat" and that Suzie will lose the weight once puberty hits; but I am afraid that puberty is a time when a thyroid problem is likely to develop, as it has with my other granddaughters (who all work very hard to keep their weight within a healthy range).

You seem knowledgeable about thyroid problems and other health issues, based upon what I have read in your responses to other readers with weight issues, so I am hoping you have some advice for me on how to approach this issue.

Signed,
Concerned Grandma

Dear Concerned Grandma:

You are correct in thinking that puberty is a time when a thyroid condition is likely to evolve in your young granddaughter, as that is exactly when most thyroid conditions - especially the autoimmune kind - leave the dormant state and start to wreak havoc on a person's health. Although 10-years-old is not too young to start having thyroid issues, it is highly unlikely that this is the cause. The fact that Suzie has been tested recently - and that those tests come back normal - rules out hypothyroidism as the cause of her weight problems.

You do not mention how tall Suzie is, just that she is "on the short side"; which means for her age and height she should probably weigh around 65 - 70 pounds. At 150 pounds, she is morbidly obese and is at serious risk of developing Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, liver and kidney problems, and a host of other weight-related health issues that no child should experience.

You are correct in assuming that Suzie's weight will be a sore subject to tackle, especially if her mother is in denial of the severity of the problem. My advice to you is to approach your son about Suzie's health, as he seems to be the realist in that house. Express your interest in terms of spending more time with your granddaughter, and suggest some seasonal physical activities that the two of you could enjoy together. I am especially fond of gardening, because it attracts wildlife that I can chase, but as a three-season activity it provides great exercise (planting, hoeing, weeding, watering...) and the fruits of your labor are tasty and healthy fresh foods to eat, which will go a long way towards improving Suzie's diet as well as instilling a sense of pride in the results of her hard work.

Regardless of what you choose to do, remember to let Suzie know that you love her, regardless of her size.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Use Of A Very Hurtful Word Puts Grandpa In An Ugly Spot

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am the father of two wonderful children, now grown and married, and the grandfather of five; all teenaged boys. I am also a Black man who grew up in the Deep South, which is to say so much more: I was poor, received a sub-standard education, and lived a life so steeped in racism that I knew nothing different until I moved up North to go to college on a sports scholarship. Through education and hard work, I became the man I am today: a successful businessman, a loving husband, a father of two successful children, and a happy, well-adjusted, contributing member of my community. It is therefore with great chagrin that I find myself in need of your advice.

My four eldest grandsons are all amazing young men – student-athletes, straight-A students, hard-working, and respectful young, Black men. Both their parents and their grandparents (my wife and I, as well as my children’s in-laws) have always been very active in their lives and expected much of them, and they have yet to disappoint. My youngest grandson, who just turned 14, is another story. Perhaps it has been because he has seen all that goes into the success of his brothers and cousins, or perhaps it is because he feels he could never reach such heights, but “Joseph” has simply failed to thrive.

Since starting middle school, Joseph’s grades have plummeted to the point where he has had to leave the very exclusive private school he has attended since kindergarten and attend the public schools. He has turned away from his upbringing, saying we are all “trying to turn him white” and other hateful things. He refuses to wear his pants around his hips, preferring to dress like a street hoodlum. I will not even try to address his language; suffice to say he has given up on proper English and turned to street slang as his only form of communication.

As if all of this was not bad enough, Joseph was recently caught shoplifting. He claims it was an initiation into a gang, but I am not aware of where he would meet such people. We live in a small, affluent town that does not have an issue with gang-related activities – at least not that I know of, and I am a long-standing member of the Town Council. Thankfully, as one businessman to another, the owner of the store from which he stole agreed to settle the matter without going to the police. Joseph has had to pay for the item he stole out of his personal spending money, and as his punishment he must spend an hour a day sweeping up the parking lot of the business’ property for one full month. Upon hearing his punishment, Joseph accused me of “making him do n----- work”. I am afraid I lost my temper with him and accused him of being one. Now my son – Joseph’s father – believes I owe Joseph an apology for my hateful language.

I am truly torn about what I should do next. I grew up being called such words and worse, by both Black and White people. Even though it was a word that was ingrained in our Southern culture, I refused to use it and cringed every time my Mamma used that word in my direction. I would like to tell Joseph that I will apologize to him for calling him that word as soon as he proves to me that he is not ignorant and lazy, but I feel that an apology should not be conditional. What would you suggest?

Signed,
Joseph’s Grandpa

Dear Joseph’s Grandpa:

It does seem that you are in a sticky spot. First, I would like to express my admiration of your work ethic, and your accomplishments in life. Overcoming adversity is no easy task, and it sounds like you were surrounded by it growing up in the Deep South. Your accomplishments in life, your position on your Town Council, and the respect you receive from your fellow businessmen paint a picture of a man who should be emulated, so I can see why you are upset with your use of a word so charged that I had to edit it out of your letter!

My larger concern is your grandson’s sudden overall shift in behavior upon reaching middle school, a time that correlates with the start of the tumultuous teenage years. You mentioned the name of the prestigious private school that Joseph attends [also edited out, for the sake of privacy] and the school has a reputation for multicultural diversity and tolerance, but it is possible that Joseph is in search of a cultural identity. By accusing you and his parents of trying to “turn him white” it is possible that Joseph is buying into popular culture and what he sees in the media.

I think that while Joseph is busy sweeping up the parking lot, you and his parents could look into finding a peer mentor to guide Joseph on the road to becoming a responsible young man. Perhaps if Joseph hears from someone close to his own age who has had to struggle to overcome meager beginnings, he will have a better appreciation for the privileges into which he has been born and the opportunities which he is currently wasting. Joseph need not change his style of dress or speech when among his friends, but his parents can demand that he respect them enough to follow the rules of what they consider proper dress and proper language – and since we are now on the subject of proper language…

I think you should apologize to Joseph for speaking out in anger the way you did, but temper that apology with a caution that if his attitude and grades do not improve, he may find himself doing such work for a living in just a few more years. While there is anything wrong with a service job, your grandson seems to believe that there is, and that will be the key to improving his attitude. I am reminded of an old clip from The Cosby Show in which Bill Cosby tells Malcolm Jamal Warner about how “Regular People” live. Perhaps it is time for Joseph’s father has the same conversation with him.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Choice Between A Rock And A Hard Place Is A Difficult One To Make

Dear Tazi:

I am a college student, and I am paying my own way through school. My mother and step-father let me live at home without paying rent, but that is all they do for me. I have to buy my own food, and contribute to the cost of the monthly utilities in addition to paying my tuition - which I have to cover in full because I do not receive financial aid; my step-father refuses to submit his tax return, and since I am only 19 I am considered a dependant student. My Mom does not work, and is listed as a dependant on my step-father's taxes. My father passed away when I was six, so I have nowhere else to turn for a tax return to submit.

I work full-time and had to drop my school schedule down to part-time because I did not have the time or money to continue as a full-time student this semester. I want to major in Nursing, which is a full-time program and a full time job all rolled into one, so I am currently trying to save as much money as possible so I can take time away from work once I enter Nursing school. This has put me in a tough spot financially.

I do all I can to cut expenses. I buy all of my clothes at thrift shops, and what I can't get there I buy at discount stores. I do not drive my car, so I do not have to pay insurance, and as the weather has gotten colder I have bought extra blankets and sweaters so I do not have to turn the heat on in my part of the house. Because of all this frugality, I AM MISERABLE!!! Do you have any idea what it is like to have to buy your bras from the local factory seconds store? (Of course not, you're a cat, but you know what I mean!).

My elderly grandmother is quite wealthy, and is in need of home-care. She has offered to let me come live with her (for free; room, board, utilities, and use of an insured car included!) and give me a small weekly stipend if I agree to leave my job and make caring for her my full-time job, scheduling my classes for late-morning through mid-afternoon while she is at the senior center. This opportunity sounds like a dream come true! It will give me experience in the field of home health care; it will get me out from under my step-father's roof; and will give me back all that I have had to give up in order to complete my education. So what's the catch? My grandmother is a flaming racist, and my step-father is black. It is for this reason that my Mom is estranged from my grandmother; and she thinks that my grandmother is only offering me the job of caring for her to spite her and my step-father.

At this point, I am not sure if I would care if my grandmother was a Mexican drug lord so long as it got me out from my Mom and step-father's grip, but I am afraid that my situation will end up as my Mom is predicting: decide in haste, repent at leisure. She has told me that if I leave to live with my grandmother I will not be welcome back in our home. School let's out for the semester in early May, and I don't go back until the end of August, so I have the summer to make a decision if necessary (Grandma is not rushing me. She has told me to take my time to think about it). What would you do if you were in my situation, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Arkansas Cinderella

Dear Arkansas Cinderella:

I read through your letter twice, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and both times I noticed that you never refer to your mother and step-father as your "parents" - your mother is always "Mom" and your step-father is always "my step-father". You do not say for how long they have been married, but it sounds to me that there is absolutely no father-daughter bond between you and your mother's husband. With your mother financially dependent upon your step-father, I can see why she would side with him on all fronts.

Although their treatment of you sounds extreme, it is their house and their rules apply - although I would think they would be willing to cut you some slack in consideration of your academic schedule and career goals. Since they have not, you have every right to do what you feel you must in order to put yourself on the path to success. I realize that your grandmother is a "flaming racist", and although I cannot approve of her attitude, it is not my place to pass judgment upon her - that will be up to you in deciding whether or not to accept her offer.

Should you choose to accept your grandmother's offer to come live with her in return for home-care and other incentives, you must be prepared to hear what she has to say on the subject of your mother's marriage. Your grandmother may surprise you by having nothing at all to say on the subject. In reaching out to you, she could be making an attempt to reconcile with your mother - people tend to do such things when they are nearing the last of their years.

If, however, your grandmother chooses to spout hateful comments about your mother and her choice of husband you - as a compensated employee - will have to tolerate her comments (to a large extent) or resign your position as her home-care aide. Once you can honestly answer how you think you would react to such racist commentary about your Mom and step-father you will know whether or not you should accept your grandmother's offer. It sounds to me that you have to choose between a rock and a hard place. You have my sympathies.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat

Facebook Cattle-Call Brands Writer A Bad Friend

Dear Tazi:

I am so upset I don't know what to do with myself. I was moving into a new apartment for the first of the year, so I put the word out to my friends on Facebook to ask if they could help me. A lot of people responded, but only to tell me why they couldn't do it. You know - sorting, packing, and all the stuff that needs to be done before the actual move and then to help me with the actual move.  I am sick of hearing excuses like "I'd like to, but I have plans" or "I can't unless you can give me gas money; I don't have the gas money to get there and back". One person even said "I can't because that's the Sabbath"!

Isn't assisting a friend in need the perfect way to honor God? And I would think helping a friend to move is more important than some weekend plans. As for not having gas money, friends should be willing to help friends for free, not for gas money! Do you have any good responses that I can give to these so-called "friends" when they ask me why I am un-friending them on Facebook?

Signed,
Moving On

Dear Moving On:

I have the perfect response that you can give to those who question why you are un-friending them: I'm sorry I over-reacted to your inability to help me move. Can you forgive me for being so self-centered?

And for failing to offer the obligatory case of beer!

Nobody likes moving, even during the best of times; but to put out the request for help during the winter weather, on a weekend, in the middle of the holiday season? Did you honestly expect people to respond in droves? The reasons people gave are perfectly acceptable and quite reasonable. Would you have preferred they ignore your request altogether? In your letter, you disrespect one friend's religious practices; another's financial limitations; and a third friend's pre-existing plans. I can only imagine how you responded to them on Facebook, where people tend to be much more candid.

Unless you would be willing to put your plans/religion/financial needs aside to answer a cattle-call type request for help you have no right to complain about others reacting the same way. By un-friending these people, you are probably doing them a favor. Remember that in order to have good friends we must be a good friend. It's a little late to make this your New Year's resolution, so why not just resolve to try harder? Consider it a spring cleaning for the soul. You will be surprised at the results you get.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Child's Imaginary Friend Has Mother Concerned

Dear Tazi:

My four year old daughter "Heidi" has had an imaginary friend for longer than I can remember. I recall one day, before she could even talk, she was sitting by herself laughing at nothing. Soon after she started to walk, she would pretend to be holding hands with someone; and after she started to talk she would tell me of her friend "Uggie". Uggie has been a part of my life ever since.

My concern is that, at four years old, she seems a bit old to have an imaginary friend. I am afraid this will stunt her emotional growth, cause issues with her social development, and cause other children to make fun of her. My Uncle is a Child Psychologist, and he says Heidi's behavior is perfectly natural and that it will run its course, but I am not so sure; Heidi is pretty attached to Uggie. I am afraid that Uggie might be here to stay if I don't do something about him soon. What do you say, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
No Friend Of Uggie

Dear No Friend Of Uggie:

You have been given the professional opinion of a trained medical specialist, yet you refuse to accept it. This sounds to me like it is also an issue of embarrassment of - or even jealousy towards - your daughter's "imaginary" friend as much as it is concern for her emotional and social development - and I put the word imaginary in quotes because to Heidi, her friend is every bit as real as you or me.

Children seek out imaginary friends for the same reasons they carry around a favorite blanket or toy dolly: it is a sense of security in the familiar. You say your daughter has been friends with Uggie since infancy. What goes on in the minds of the pre-verbal is anybody's guess, and a subject that medical researchers have studied for years. It is known that a child's cognitive development develops before their verbal skills, so it is quite possible that your daughter dreamed up Uggie one day, and decided to keep him around because he made her laugh.

And seriously...are grown-ups any less guilty?

Since Heidi is old enough to speak in full sentences and express herself, why not ask her what makes Uggie such a good friend? In discussing Uggie's positive qualities with her, you can find out much about your own little girl, especially things of importance such as what she looks for in a friend and what kind of friend she is to others. If something is bothering your daughter - or if someone is hurting her - she may express this in terms of something happening to Uggie. I suggest that you use Uggie's existence in a positive way, as a way to share a special experience with your daughter. The day will come that Heidi outgrows Uggie, and he will disappear from your lives, but the bond he can help create will build a special kind of trust between you and your daughter.

Most children outgrow imaginary friends by the time they start a full school day, which in Heidi's case is only a year or two away. Be patient, and trust your Uncle's wisdom. He is, after all, the professional!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Son Of White Coated Professionals Wants A Horse Of A Different Color

Dear Tazi:

I am 20 years old and enrolled in junior college because my grades in high school weren't all that great. It wasn't because I am stupid; it's just because I hate school. My father is a doctor and my mother an M.S.N [Ed. Note: That is a Nurse with a Master's in Nursing]. My whole life they have pushed education on me, but it just isn't my thing. What I really want to do is be a long-distance trucker.

Please don't laugh or think this is a fake letter because it is not. When I was a kid, I used to love talking on my uncle's CB radio. I would talk with truckers from all over the country, and I loved the stories they would tell me. It was never anything a kid shouldn't hear, just stuff about what they saw while traveling the country. I would go to bed dreaming about one day driving a big rig!

As a teenager my parents kept pushing school on me, making me get a tutor to improve my grades and grounding me for bad grades. I told them that I didn't want to go to college, that I wanted to go to trucking school to learn how to drive a rig. They never took me seriously and told me if I wanted to do that I could pay for it myself. I can't get financial aid because I am a dependant student and my parents make too much money. If I move out on my own, I won't be considered an independent student for at least two years. Right now, keeping my grades at passing level is hard enough without having to work full-time on top of it, so I can't work more hours while in school, even if I could get them. I can't drop out of school either or my parents will cut me off financially.

Tazi, do you have any ideas on how to get my parents to see my point of view?

10-4 Ol' Buddy

Dear 10-4...:

I think in ordeer to accomplish your dream you will have to take steps to show your parents how much your dream of being a professional driver means to you. At 20 years old, you are legally an adult and need to start being responsible for your own future if you wish to control where it is going. I can understand how your parents would want you to follow their path of white collar careers, but if this is not the path for you than you need to do what you must to get onto that path - even if it pulls you from your current comfort zone. As I see it, your options are not as entirely limited as you make them sound.

I understand that you are currently dependant upon your parents for financial assistance. I also understand that you do not like school, and get the impression that you have little to no desire to continue with formal/traditional education. You say that if you quit school, your parents will cut you off financially. If you were working full time, would you be able to make enough to support yourself? If so, this is one possible path; and in two years you could apply for financial aid as an independent student.

All the while attempting to make people understand....

If this plan does not appeal to you, another option would be to have someone teach you how to drive a rig. Do you know any truckers who would be kind enough to teach you how to drive a rig, and allow you to train on their tractor-trailers? Does your local Teamsters Union have an internship program to which you could apply? There are many professional drivers who never actually went to school to learn, but learned from other drivers or as part of military training, which brings me to your third option.

If you are physically fit and have an interest in serving, the Army National Guard; Air Force National Guard; or the Marine Reserves all offer opportunities for you to make extra money and learn how to drive large transport vehicles.

Any of these options will offer you a combination of training and experience that will loosen the financial grip your parents have upon you, as well as push you out of adolescence and into adulthood. Once your parents see how serious you are about becoming a professional driver, perhaps they will be more willing to invest in your dream. As parents, they only want what is best for you. If you show them that you are willing to do what it takes to make your dream a reality, perhaps they will be willing to meet you halfway and put your junior college tuition towards an education at your local tractor-trailer driving school.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #8: Thoughts On Volunteering, Giving Of Yourself

Dear Readers:

Happy Sunday and welcome to another issue of

Tazi's Corner
Life As Your Pet Sees It!
Earlier this week I printed a letter about volunteering, stating in it that “There are three ways in which a person can give back to their community; they are through gifts of time, talents ,and treasure”. Although I wish I could take credit for the “three T’s”, I first heard the idea from my Mommie’s pastor (I was snuggled in mt Tazi Sack one Sunday when she left for church).


The Tazimobile rocks!
The idea that we all have something to give intrigued me because, as I have mentioned in the past, we cats are very generous and giving creatures. Why just yesterday I gave my Mommie the opportunity to give me some kitty snax and the honor of scratching me behind my ears! Now, as I was saying, the idea that we all have something to give intrigued me.

Time; talents; and treasure; some of us have nothing but time, and no money to spare – especially those who are experiencing prolonged unemployment. How can volunteering help these people? Many non-profit organizations need volunteers to donate their time and talents to their causes, but their needs go unfilled because people mistake volunteer work as a pursuit of those who do not have to work. Nothing could be further from the truth! Many employers see a period of unemployment as a time to improve skills or use skills to help others. If someone chooses to sit around surfing the Internet and waiting for the phone to ring, their chances of finding employment are actually less than those who are actively volunteering; keeping their skills fresh by donating them; and networking within the community. If nothing else, their efforts will earn them a valuable recommendation for employment.

There are others who believe that they have no time to give or who feel their talents are not needed; they really should think again. How much time do humans waste vegging out in front of the television or unwinding by playing marathon sessions of video games. How much difference could be made in the life of a child by donating your time as a Big Brother or Big Sister? Or by waking an hour early in order to serve breakfast at the local soup kitchen? (Here’s a hint for those seeking to network: Many “important” people volunteer in soup kitchens!). Perhaps you could spare an hour or two a week to assist an elderly shut-in with their grocery shopping? No action, however small, is insignificant if done from the heart. Too often, we choose to give only at the holidays, forgetting that need knows no season. The holidays are coming up – why not start your seasonal volunteering a little early this year?

Perhaps the poorest, most time-pressed people of all – high school and college students – have the most to give, for they have talents to share. Too often, students try to find the most impressive sounding time fillers in order to impress colleges; but let’s get real: do you think the people at Harvard are really going to believe that you willingly chose, with an open heart, to spend your summer tutoring blind children in the scorching heat of sub-Saharan Africa? Personally, I think the folks at Harvard are smart enough to recognize a kiss-@$$ when they see one. Don’t let your volunteering become farcical fodder for the annual Christmas Newsletter (…this year, for his high school senior project, Junior completed an independent study in South American aboriginal tribes, and even created an unabridged dictionary of the language of the lost Aztecs…). Instead of trying to impress people by volunteering on the other side of the globe, why not tutor inner-city children in Math and Reading? Why not choose to make a difference in your own community?

To the star quarterback; why not volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club, teaching them how to play football? To the music prodigy; do you know how many underprivileged children would appreciate the use of a borrowed instrument and free lessons? These are offerings that require commitment – a commitment that goes further than sub-Saharan Africa because it is a commitment to people you will be seeing over and over again in your community; a commitment to people who will look at you and KNOW whether or not you honored your promise to help. Will you be able to look them in the eye when your paths cross? That’s the advantage of volunteering far from home; nobody is there to bear witness to your actions, they must take you at your word. I have read the blogs of students who go overseas to “help” those less privileged, and often times these trips involve more sightseeing than anything else. Jesus wept! (John 11:35).

Last, but certainly not least, is our treasure. To give of our treasure does not always mean to give money, although money is always appreciated. Many organizations – from the Salvation Army to Big Sisters – accept donations of gently used goods and clothing. We can further offer of our treasure by purchasing goods from these organizations; many a beautiful evening gown or designer purse has been discovered on the racks of your local thrift store. If you don’t want to keep your purchases, feel free to yard sale or eBay them. Additionally, it would be a nice gesture if you donated any profit back to the providing thrift store – it’s giving without cost! Even if you choose to keep your profits, you are still supporting a worthy cause, although I know some readers will be criticizing me for not paw-slapping the capitalist out of you.

I know how hard it can be to part with your hard-earned money or your precious free time (I hate missing my nap), but please remember that even if you cannot give much, your donation will combine with the donations of others. Give of your time, and someone with talent will direct you…give of your talents, and someone with treasure will sponsor you…give of your treasure, and see others give back to you in ways you never thought possible. Whatever you do, give from the heart; be the kind of person your pet thinks you already are.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Neighbor Is Revealing More Than Just His Charming Personality

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My new neighbor "Michael" is a delightful young man in every way possible but one. It is apparent that his mother never taught him the importance of drawing the bedroom curtains before changing clothes, because he fails to do so on a regular basis. My concern with this is that his bedroom window faces my children's bedroom window. My girls are rather young - 4 and 2 1/2 - so they do not yet understand that the view is an inappropriate one, and I try not to make a big deal out of things when I see them - I simply draw the window blinds.

I would like to say something to Michael about his lack of modesty, but I am afraid that such a conversation would be awkward and embarrassing, to say the least. I am divorced from my children's father; but he is still very protective of me and the girls so I cannot ask him to speak with Michael, either. An anonymous note seems so impersonal, plus I am pretty sure he would be able to figure out it came from me, since my house faces his bedroom window. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be very helpful, Tazi-Kat.

Signed,
Getting An Eyeful

Dear Getting An Eyeful:

Your situation is a sticky one, and requires a delicate but direct approach to solve. Since you are not comfortable speaking directly to your new neighbor, why not send a personal note? It need not be anonymous, just politely worded. For example, you could say something like this:

Dear Michael,

I hope you are settling into your new home, and enjoying your new neighborhood. I know we are happy to have you living next door, as you are perfectly delightful in so many ways! However I have, on occasion, noticed an issue that has left me with concern regarding my young daughters.

I am not certain if you have realized it, but your bedroom window faces my children's bedroom. My children, being naturally curious, love to look out the window and watch the world go by; and on occasion, they have noticed that you do not close your bedroom curtains. I realize that you may not have had time to shop for any yet; but the longer you go without them the greater the chance that my girls will catch you in a state of undress or other intimate moment. I am afraid this might lead to an awkward moment for both of us, so I thought I would be best to mention this sooner rather than later.

I thank you for your anticipated understanding, and look forward to seeing you in person (just not through the bedroom windows, if you catch my meaning!).

If your neighbor is as delightful as he seems, I am sure he will understand your position and at the very least cover the window with a sheet or towel until he can hang some proper curtains or blinds; and hopefully, you will have a few more years before you need to inform your daughters about the "facts of life".

-- Tazi-Kat

Woman Considers Flushing Relationship Over Bathroom Odors

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem so embarrassing I don't dare ask anyone I know! My boyfriend, "Clyde" and I recently moved in together as a prelude to getting engaged. We want to make certain that our living habits are compatible before we make such an important (and pricey) commitment to each other.

Clyde and I are compatible in so many ways, and for the most part we enjoy living together. However, there is one problem that I just can't seem to get past and I am not certain if I will ever be able to get past it. I would hate for this to be what ends an otherwise wonderful relationship; but I cannot see myself living this way, either. My problem has to do with Clyde's bathroom habits.

Clyde is a big meat eater, and bacon is his absolute favorite food. Because Clyde does not get a lot of fiber in his diet, things tend to "back up" in his system until he unloads it all at once. If you are getting the picture I am trying to paint, you will be able to understand just how awful the bathroom smells when he is done in there. It is seriously bad enough to knock you to your knees. (Do cats have knees?).

Adding to the issue is Clyde's absolute refusal to use an air-freshening spray after he has finished his business. He insists that sprays simply cover up the odor while putting chemicals into the air, and that by turning on the bathroom fan the problem takes care of itself. I beg to differ, Tazi. I once entered the bathroom a full 15 minutes later and the room still had a malodorous smell about it; and even when the smell has dissipated, the bathroom still does not smell fresh.

Clyde has suggested we burn organic candles in the bathroom, but I am not comfortable with the idea of leaving a flame (open or in a jar) unattended; and the candle has to be actively burning for a while in order to combat the bad bathroom smells. Do you have any ideas on how to solve this problem?

Signed,
Holding My Nose

Dear Holding My Nose:

You do paint a vivid picture of an embarrassing problem, and it seems that you and Clyde are at an impasse. Whether this issue is one to end your relationship over is entirely up to you; but personally, I think it rather petty. Seriously, how often does Clyde stink up the bathroom?

I can understand how Clyde does not wish to release chemicals into the air as well as your desire not to leave a lit flame unattended. There are other options available, though. Some air-freshening sprays (like Lysol or Febreeze) kill germs as well as freshen the air, giving the bathroom a disinfecting with every use. Considering your description of what Clyde does in there, this option gets my vote! If you want to go organic (which Lysol and Febreeze technically are since, in chemical terms, "organic" means "carbon based"), it may be trickier to combine disinfecting with air-freshening. Here are a few all-natural ways to absorb the odors, though:

• An open box of baking soda on a shelf (just remember that baking soda will also absorb moisture, so the bathroom may not be the best place for it)

• Vinegar with lemon juice will neutralize odors. You could put the mixture in a spray bottle to create a natural, homemade air-freshener

• Having houseplants helps reduce odors in the home by cycling the air

• Keep fresh coffee grounds on the counter (these may also absorb moisture, but not as quickly as baking soda)

• Simmer water and cinnamon or other spices in a potpourri warmer (the electric kind) or leave a small jar candle on an electric candle warmer, allowing the candle to "burn" flamelessly

Whatever you do, I hope that you and Clyde can work past this issue because if this is the biggest problem the two of you have to face as a couple, you should consider yourselves blessed!

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. Yes, cats do have knees! They are on our hind legs, just like on humans, but on us it is called the "stifle". Here is a picture of a cat skeleton, and you can see them clear as day.

Even on the inside, we cats are a work of beauty!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Gender Dysphoria Can Cause Problems In Social Situations

Dear Tazi:

I am technically a twenty year old woman. I say "technically" because I am not at all feminine. I am completely flat-chested and built like a man. I prefer to dress in men's clothing, wear my hair short and spiked like a man, hang out with men over women (I hate shopping and other girly-girl stuff). From the baseball cap I wear on my head to the Michael Jordans [sneakers] I wear on my feet, I look like a man, just a baby-faced one. My problem is that, since graduating high school where I knew everyone and starting a college where I do not, I now get mistaken for a lesbian, which I am not, or hit-on by straight women who think I am a guy, which is also upsetting. Short of wearing a sign that declares me to be a heterosexual woman, do you have any ideas on how to get around this awkward issue?

Signed,
Dude

Dear Dude:

From the description you give, you fit the description of a female transvestite (which is the sociological term for your style preferences). Among cross-dressers (the preferred term) you are in the minority - most are men who dress as women - but are also among the more socially accepted of the gender diverse.

Diane Keaton (above) is frequently mistaken for Andy Warhol (below)

The fact that you are mistaken for a man by straight women can be corrected by adding simple touches that will not compromise you as a person (for example, jewelry and perfume). If you are truly uncomfortable wearing anything that signals that you are female, you can work towards altering people's perception of you through your use of vocabulary. For example, instead of saying "I have to use the bathroom" you can say "I have to use the ladies' room", thus signaling that you are female by birth. You do not have to be a "girly girl" or dress in pink for the world to understand that you are female; but you will have to make an effort to identify yourself as a straight woman if that is how you wish people to see you.

Most people are accustomed to dividing people into one category OR another; so when someone comes along who fits one category AND another it can be difficult for some to process. Before a woman - straight or lesbian - works up the courage to hit on you, she probably sends out signals that she is interested (flipping her hair, gently touching your arm, etc.). By learning to read these signals, you can self-identify as a straight woman before the conversation takes a turn for the embarrassing.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Seeks To Be An Anthropological Tourist Before "Getting Serious" About Life

Dear Tazi:

I am finishing high school this year, and it is my lifelong dream to travel the world for a few years before getting serious and deciding on a career path. I have been saving money from my after school job – my parents think it will be used towards college – and I could work as a migrant fruit picker for extra cash, as/if needed. Being American, I grew up privileged and I want to learn how “the other half” lives. My parents are completely against my dream and have told me that if I follow it that I can forget about any financial assistance from them when I decide the time is right for me to go to college.

I would love to tell my parents to keep their money, but I am not certain I will be able to finance my own college education and I do not want to compromise my future by stringing myself out on student loans. Tazi, can you think of a way that would allow me to follow my dream and please my parents at the same time?

Signed,
The Seeker

Dear The Seeker:

It appears that you want the best of both worlds – or at least the best of your world while exploring the worst of other worlds. Do you realize how dehumanizing migrant work is? Those who work such jobs are paid a pittance so Americans can eat affordable fresh produce, and they do it so they can put food in the mouths of their families, not so they can follow their dream of seeing how “the other half” lives. The “other half” is not a living documentary for your curious mind to explore; they are people and I refuse to approve of your dream to exploit them.

Don't be this person!

If you are truly interested in other cultures, societies, and people of different socioeconomic backgrounds I suggest you go to college, as your parents would prefer, and study Anthropology and Sociology. This major will not only allow you to explore the world (travel is a requirement of this major); it will also teach you how to professionally study cultures that are different from your own so you do not act the part of the Ignorant American, insulting people with your extreme candor and embarrassing your country on a world stage.

I am a cat; extreme candor is expected of me. You are a human; gentrified manners are expected of you. I suggest that you look into colleges with a strong Cultural Anthropology program (Brown University is one) and learn more about the job opportunities in this field.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Is Having Issues With The Lack Of "Litterbox" Privacy

Dear Tazi:

I am going to write this in terms you can understand, since cats and human have differing habits. I am a newlywed (six months married) and for some reason, every morning my husband "Joe" insists on barging in on me when I am "using my litterbox", if you know what I mean. He insists that he, too, needs to use the room where the "litterbox" is located to shave, shower, etc. and that since we are married we should not keep closed doors between us. I say that there is no quicker way to kill the romance of a relationship than seeing someone in such a private and undignified position.

Our "litterbox room" does not have a lock on the door, so I am unable to shut Joe out while I am doing my business. I have tried waking up 5 minutes earlier, but then Joe follows suit. I have tried taking a shower first, but then Joe waits until I am out of the shower and using the "litterbox" before barging in once again. This behavior has been going on since we returned from our honeymoon and for me that honeymoon is quickly fading as this rude and annoying habit takes hold. Any ideas on how to solve this issue, Tazi-Kat? Other than this, my marriage is good.

Signed,
Privacy, Please

Dear P.P.:

I must confess that, as a cat, I hate closed doors and will also barge in on people who are using the "flushable litterbox" just so the door will remain open and the room accessible. You are referring to your flushable litterbox in your letter, right?

Sorry, this seat is taken!

I can understand your desire for privacy while "doing your business", too, since I do not like when people watch me using my litterbox. For cats, it is a matter of personal defense - it is rather difficult to run from or attack a predator while you are in a squat position and unable to get out of it. For humans, it is a desire for privacy, which is something some people desire more than others.

If you have explained to your husband your desire for privacy during your personal waste-removal processes, and he has refused it, then it would seem that there is more to this than meets the eye. You say that your husband actually waits for you to start using your "litterbox" before barging in on you. Since your husband is not a young child who is afraid to be separated from its mother, this tells me that the problem is probably one of a few things:

Your husband is domineering, and likes the idea of being able to exert control over you by "attacking" at a moment you cannot defend yourself

Your husband has a warped sense of humor, and he finds your personal humiliation to be funny

Your husband has a fetish for what goes on when you are using the flushable litterbox.

All three of these possibilities are issues that should not be taken lightly, and not simply because they are invasive of your privacy. Over time, these issues could escalate. Although there is also the possibility that your husband does not suffer from any of the above issues, I would still recommend that the two of you speak with a counselor about his behavior. If your husband refuses to go with you, then go alone. Exploring this issue might help you learn to diffuse your reaction to your husband's inappropriate behavior - because it sounds like an adverse reaction is what your husband is seeking.

-- Tazi-Kat

West African "Prince" Leaves Dad Crying In The Purple Rain

Dear Tazi:

My issue all started because of junk email. Due to my father's addiction to Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes and other types of "instant millionaire" scams, my siblings and I have had to intercept his mail. The snail mail goes directly to my sister, "Gretchen", who handles his bill payments and other financial issues; the email goes directly to my account, so I may monitor him while he is online. I have a very high security SPAM filter, so absolutely nothing gets through that should not. Needless to say my father is not happy with this arrangement, but it is in his best interest.

I have discovered that my father has opened a second, secret email account with an address very similar to mine; so when he logs on it appears he is on my account, unless I look very closely at the address. I am not certain how long he has had this account, but it appears to have been long enough to cause some serious damage to his finances. Last week, when Gretchen was reviewing his bank accounts, she noticed one of them had been drained of all money by a West African bank. Dad freely admits that he cashed a check for several thousand dollars as part of a plan "to help an African prince escape his war torn country"; and needless to say (again) the whole plot was a scam - the international check bounced and my father is on the hook for the full amount since he "forwarded the money to the prince" after taking the 10% cut promised to him.

Gretchen and I tried talking to the customer service department at the local branch of our father's bank, but there is nothing they can do to get - or give - my father’s money back to him. My sister and I are understandably furious over the situation. However, Gretchen is angry at me, saying that the whole situation is my fault and that I should have been keeping a closer eye on Dad's e-mail. Tazi, she is the one who handles Dad's finances, and she was the one who left his name on the accounts so that he could withdraw money at any time!

Gretchen is talking about suing me on behalf of our father (she has financial power of attorney) to get back the money he lost. The amount I would have to pay if I lost would be substantial, and my husband and I would have to drain our retirement savings to do so. We have generously offered to a three-way split of the cost of the loss with Gretchen and my father, but she will not hear of it. She wants "full compensation" for what she sees as my carelessness and what I see as my father's underhanded deception and stupidity. What should we do, Tazi? The rest of my siblings are giving the situation a wide berth.

Signed,
At A Huge Loss

Dear At A Huge Loss:

In order to cover my behind legally, I must first point out that the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes is not a scam - they really do give away thousands of dollars in cash prizes every year, and no purchase is necessary to win. They are, in fact, a very reputable organization. If only all mail-in sweepstakes forms were sent from companies that were just as honest...

As for the issue with your father, the first thing you want to do is report the case to your local Post Office Inspector General. Your father may have been the victim of mail fraud. If the money he received - or sent - was wired or mailed through the U.S. Postal Service, it falls under the jurisdiction of the U.S.P.S. Inspector General's Office. If it was sent/received through Western Union or other privately owned money-wiring service; it is a matter for the FBI. The crime can be reported through the Internet Crime Reporting Center. Although there is no guarantee that your father will get his money back, reporting the crime to the proper authorities is a step in the right direction.

As for financially compensating your father, I think your plan is both generous and fair to all involved. Yes, your sister is correct that it was your place to monitor your father's Internet activity. Even in spite of his falsified email address, had you been monitoring your Dad while he was online this issue probably would not have occurred. However, you are correct in pointing out your sister's failure to remove your father's name (at least as a signatory) from his bank accounts, thus allowing him to follow through with his get-rich-quick scheme. By putting yourselves in a position of power over your father, you must also accept the responsibility that comes with it. This does not mean that your father is off the hook, though. He has a helping of responsibility to accept in this matter, too. Had it not been for his duplicitous behavior, he would not have received the initial email that started this entire problem. Your husband is quite generous in his acceptance of this plan, and it tells me he takes his wedding vows (especially the "for richer or for poorer part) very seriously! My compliments to the man on this matter!

Right now, you need to give Gretchen some time to cool down from the shock of this situation. Should she continue with her threats to sue you, all I can advise is to contract with a good lawyer to represent you. In the meantime, I suggest you check out the website LooksTooGoodToBeTrue.com. The site offers a good hard look at the Internet and email scams that are out there.

-- Tazi-Kat

Sincerest thanks to the FBI's Providence, RI office for the information provided in answering today's column! -- T. K.